Category Archives: Suspense

Strong and Proud.

Posted by LawNerd on

I am in my last-ish semester of doing my masters. I still hang out with a few friends that are stuck in their Senior year and miss me from my escapade to Michigan, but I also talk a lot to Nicole (She’s the professor who helped me come to terms with my old infatuation with Dr. Rabbit. Another professor is Dr. Fish (her name sounds like the name of my favorite fish dish, which I accidentally called her by for a while in under grad so fish it is).

I had Criminology tonight, and I was in Dr. Fish’s class. Judging by the syllabus, it was going to be easy since I am for once interested in the content (I haven’t had this feeling since I took a woman’s studies class back in undergrad!) After class, I went and thanked Dr. Fish (for probably the 50th time) for letting me turn in my paper late last semester, and she asked how I’ve been. I spilled everything as we stood leaning on the wall in the renovated section of the Academic Science building- I’m doing better.

That was my everything. I am doing better. I have more stability with work, I’ve befriended a judge, my mom is still on the kidney transplant list, but it’s a miracle she’s on it now, I am forcing myself to take 5 classes this semester so I can take one over the summer and then with the rest of my time, go to Peru for vacation, I don’t have the desire to really put myself out there for friends and my stepsister since they all cut me out when it was convenient for them (yes I said it. I cut my step sister out of my life after telling her on new years eve when she asked if “everything cool wit us”… I said “No. And this isn’t the place nor time to talk about it in front of people and my family from Mexico.” Needless to say, she left to go whore out with her friends according to snapchat stories I was amusing myself with the next day).  So that I learned to enjoy my mom, family, and take no shit from anyone and dish out the tough love when needed.

She stared at me in awe. “Ms. [insert my last name]. I am impressed. You are at a stronger place than what you were last term. I am very amazed at how strong you have emotionally become, and I am proud to know you.”

I had to think about what she said on my way home… I really have become strong since I met Dr. Fish and Nicole (3 and 4 years ago perspectively). I am Strong and Proud.

The U-Haul…?

Posted by LawNerd on

I’m not one for stereotyping people of the LGBTQIA community… But tonight just made me feel so weird about the date with Shellbelle.

Me: I saw your post on tumblr about 420. Lol bring a joint next wk?
Her: I don’t know how to roll a joint, but if you have any we can try it out. Or smoke from my bowl. Oh. One thing though… If my mom is home and if she wants to meet you, I’m telling her I met you at school. She probably would like to meet you and talk about your home town since she’s from there too.

And that’s when I was like “What?” How did we get from 420 to her wanting me to meet her mom? And that’s when it hit me. This totally has to be a mini u-Haul moment. I never dreamed of being in one. Nor did I think I would have met someone whose faster than me in that sense. And it makes me think… “Does this mean she wants to have sex like on the fucking first date?” “Is this how I used to come off as?” “What?” I just don’t know what the hell happened.

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But in the end I said; “well, it’s ultimately your decision if you want me to meet your mom: if she wants to meet me too. I’m cool either way, and I can say I went to your school and say that’s where we met. It’s not that big of a deal.”

But me- not the stressed out me- always had a problem with that. So I guess I’ll find out how this all goes down next week… I know for a fact she’s pretty hot, and apparently wants to get laid (which I’m all for that, but with someone I have more… Substance with), so what else is really stopping me/ giving me this uneasy feeling now?

Not So Organized Chaos

Posted by LawNerd on

In under 48 hours, I will be taking my first real law school final. and I’m not motivated at all to read over notes anymore. I feel broken and just unable to focus or want to talk to anyone other than Gretchen, Bucky, and my old friend from 6th grade… Ann.

Let me tell you a thing or two about Ann. She was my friend back in the day along with the first guy I had a crush on, who ultimately was an emotional abuser/ tormentor from 5th grade till 7th grade- Let’s call him Jack ( 🙂 short and sweet for jackass). They had contacted me on Facebook back in April, and I finally got closure after 9 years of initially feeling like a worthless good for nothing piece of shit person, to struggling all throughout high school to lose that concept and become the somewhat strong woman I am today… But Ann had told me this back in April:

Ann: Jack and I were high last night and he’s like let’s look up your profile. So we did and he sent that bc he was being mean to me. (Ya I know it’s so cruel that were talking) no lol. You’re actually really cool. And I analyzed Jack. He said he doesn’t want you to know it was him bc he’s scared you will get mad and not like him again. He knows he took a lot of his anger out on you. But I feel like I know that’s just him. His dark side. How he plays. It’s pretty cute actually. And he’s a very sweet guy too. Part of me thinks he misses you and you’re still on his mind…

I was stunned. 9 years. 9 fucking bloody horrifically tough years becoming who I wanted to be after digging myself out of that horrible mental state. I of course responded in the “nicest” way I could…

Me: … not sure how to really respond to that in a short concise way. So I’m going to pick that apart like a philosophy major.

1. Do I want to know why I was on his mind- let alone while high? (I’m bemused on that- but it’s probably the same effect as being shitfaced and calling an ex or something).

2. Why should he care if I like him or not after 9 years of no communication? I don’t know if he told you about the last time we spoke- it wasn’t really a good thing considering he was harassing me over the phone as another “joke,” when I had just moved after the divorce and then pretty much bad mouthed my mom and a cop when he took his mom’s cell. So when you say “not like him again,” in the sense that he was my first crush, and playing that kind of a shitty game that affected my trust in my first relationship with a guy 3 years after the fact is clear reason that I’m probably not going to get chummy with him.

3. “He knows he took a lot of his anger out on you” So… what? He wants closure and to be forgiven for all the crap and emotional scars he left in that crucial developmental stage? I tried to ask for the same thing -closure- sophomore year through (mutual friend at time) in karate class who still chatted with him, and he said (according to what she told me) that I was some “obsessive crazy chick that had a huge crush on him and wouldn’t leave him alone.” So I dropped it- I forgot about him until you messaged me, when it finally hit. My thought process was: oh yeah- they pulled that phone prank on me, and then he knew he hurt my feelings and always tried to make me feel better by acting nice for like a week before he hurt me again- God I was so fucking stupid back then to keep giving him chances throughout those 2 years- Now i remember why I left.

4. I fail to see how it’s cute.

So after all of that… we went out for lunch on April 25th (I only remember the day since I had a school event that night). Things were actually really nice between Ann and I. I found out she’s into hardcore BDSM, and she was bi along with her tumblr and things started looking up.

Except for the fact that she’s still best friends with Jack.

Skip forward to about 2 weeks ago.. She got busted for having pot on her, and so she needed to go to court, where she was freaking out. I tried to calm her down at least on facebook while I was in class. After some helpful words, she was calm.

Skip to yesterday… She had made post about being awkward in social situations, and I decided to comment saying she wasn’t awkward back in the day, and then I private messaged her when she brought up a sleep over. And so I opened up.

Me: I feel like opening up about a memory. That one time you came over and stayed a few days, I was shyer than usual because I didn’t know why I was feeling the same way towards you and I did with Jack. So the end of 6th grade was really weird for me.
Ann: Really? I had no idea. But those were some fun days- I’ll never forget the sleepover.
Me: I tend to keep my feelings hidden very well with both genders, then never really open up till later down the road. That’s why I tend to just have crushes and not actually date and be forever alone (or well, for the past 3 years I’ve been single). haha, same. XD You snored back then, and then rolled closer on the mattress and I freaked out and ran to my dad’s room.
Ann: haha I’m sorry thats too funny xD Usually I’m  shy when I like someone or just around anyone but I think I’m lots of fun when I’m actually comfortable with ppl but that like never happens. I think a lot of people stop talking to me because they just think I’m going to be boring forever :/ 
Me: Funny that I felt strange when you came close and knew that if I stayed we’d probably be cuddling and at the time I thought it was taboo for girls to do that? & Same. I am an awkward turtle when it comes to being around people I like, but if I don’t think about it and just be comfortable I’m actually fun. You- boring? Nah- people just need to understand that encounters are awkward and give others some time, and not to be judgemental.
Ann: You made me eep just now x) I was just surprised that we were getting along so well, and i was nervous as hell bc I didn’t want you to think I was a jerk like Jack… and I wanted you to like me.
[more conversation about how we kinda think things are cute]
Ann: … well the feeling is mutual then. 

And that’s when I asked Ann out for dinner and some drinks after we had a… “moment.” I figured that after all these years, why not? Indulge myself in dating since I clearly have been upping my game with Mo, and people on tumblr, and seeing if there is truly any substance between myself and someone else that isn’t Bucky since everyone (meaning my mom and Kate) keep telling me she might not come around to truly having feelings for another girl.

A Nightmare Worth Remembering

Posted by LawNerd on

So while away from Life in a Nutshell, I’ve been managing to stay on Facebook and tumblr.

And texting (to an extent). I’ve noticed that out of everyone, I text Caro the most (in second is Shawn). And I realize that no matter how many times I lie about my feelings, I know that the way I feel about her hasn’t gone away since I confessed to her months ago , in fact they only have gotten stronger to the point of the thought of her dying would be my greatest nightmare. So instead I died in her place in my nightmare Sunday morning, and woke up and texted her about it…

Sorry- ur waking up to a spam of texts 😕 I can’t sleep… (Other note, you have a lot to read on the car ride?)

I went to sleep 3 hrs ago meaning 2 am, this was at 5 am and woke up from a nightmare. Pretty sure it’s the same one that I had last month bc I controlled it when I woke up after the first part. Only difference is that you were in it this time. 😰 started off great, then I got sent to prison for a 2 yrs before they realized it was on a false charge but the first day I was free, I went home to my moms and you were there. So there was a robbery (my test had a robbery scenario!) and they were gonna kill one of us before the cops came, but something told me to talk to the gunman and walk towards his pointed gun and tell him to pull the trigger after lecturing him on how his subconscious wouldn’t allow him to live with himself. So you and my mom saw the asshole blow my brains on you guys. (Woke up the first time, went back to sleep at this point after looking at the clock- 4:25) then there was a period that I was a ghost unable to pass over bc of things I never got to say hint: I never told her how I felt about her to risk my life for her, so I come back to life and find my dad depressed after a huge leap in technology 10-15 yrs. found out my mom committed suicide the year I was being cleansed from sin (who would have thought I was religious in my dreams?) and you had found mr right and settled down in Maine that made me sick to my stomach imo. Kate became a world famous doctor who was keeping my dad alive, bc she felt like she owed that to me. And everyone that I know just went off like nothing happened (then again grieving for 15 yrs isn’t healthy), so the first person I found after my dad was my ex, Ella- have to change names for sake of the blog at KFC before she went out to prostitute at 35 (that’s probably the funniest part of the whole dream imo) and I called her (dad decided to save my phone and number to keep it working for some reason) she thought it was someone else till I teleported to her and she freaked out saying she thought I was dead. I then found Nicole in a super run down apartment in a super futuristic name of town between Caro’s town and mine. I found her from her personal email, so I found her and opened the door and I remember feeling torn inside from everything that I saw as an angel-ghost that I woke up crying and like I held my breath the whole time (I think I was choking?)

… I’m afraid to go to sleep thinking that it will pick off where I left off.

666

Posted by LawNerd on

How fitting… It’s the 666th post on Life in a Nutshell, and it’s also the post where everything started to fall into place and stress just… disappeared.

Yesterday I went to sleep at 1am because god knows that my insomnia likes to torcher me the night before a huge exam- it’s always been like that since I was a kid. And then I woke up at 5:30 to get ready to take the LSAT in Loyola at 8 am.

As I was en route there, I noticed that I was just numb to everything- numb to stress, numb to feel, just… numb. Why? Well I feel it has to do with the entire semester (I vented to a friend that I hated my coach at first, had to act normal, was over stressed about the Dr. Rabbit ordeal, and my lsat).

So when I was in the test, I saw a bunch of things on there that made me giggle like World of Warcraft passage, philosophy, and a question that outlined Dr. Rabbit’s scenario… And I was completely thrown off from there.

Fast forwarding to later that evening, I ended up drinking a lot and then checking my email only to find out that I’m exempt from the final in criminal law and my grade is a 191.50 out of 185. I was doing back flips like crazy! Finally, things are looking up lately, I thought to myself.

Later on up until 3 am, I was skyping Shawn and his brother while hiding under the covers because I didn’t have a top on. But he told me something that I probably won’t forget “I’m 22, you’re still 20, and my brother is 18. I think we make great siblings- you’re like the sister we never had!” Then his brother chimes in and says “I think of you as a sister even though we never met in person!” I just kept thinking “I have a family so-to-speak… Maybe this fight with Ash that led me to them was what I needed?”

Then I remembered Ash… which is something I probably shouldn’t do while drinking, because I ended up finding her blog and reading something she posted a week ago that made me snap out of being drunk

“I guess it’s harder for me to be social ever since I lost my best friend—not like I regret erasing her from my life when she erased me from it.”

I wanted to respond saying that all the allegations she shot at me hurt… then when I shut down and stopped responding to her in hopes that she would just stop, she got worse and started sending long messages via text that would make me cringe and have panic attacks in between fits of numbness. Then I remembered the defining point of everything: she had started sounding deranged by switching back and forth from saying that she needed me and that she was going to find better friends… And all I had thought to myself was “I just wanted her to stop… and she didn’t… and now this? It’s too obsessive. I think I need to get away and hope that we both can find better friends.” So, then I told her that I just wanted to study, her allegations are wrong, but if that whole finding better friends is what she wanted right there- then so be it… Have a nice life.

Clearly we both are fucked if we can still have feelings about this (I for the guilt of just saying goodbye, and her for feeling like she’s inadequate because of that, thus reverting her back into her shell).

Cultural Awareness?

Posted by LawNerd on

This topic never really came to mind until now… I have a Muslim friend whom I recently befriended in my Methods of Research in Psychology class. I never used to branch out to people (really… I stayed in a tight little bubble with only anglo Ashley)… Anyway, my friend (let’s call her Hana) wished me a very happy holidays when we were texting… and I froze.

My first thought to say was: What in the world am I supposed to say to that…? Happy day of showing Allah more thanks…? She is wearing the shawl- so that might influence if she truly can celebrate it since there’s a christian background to the holiday

But it sounded too ignorant, so I had to do some fast searching, and I found this post on The Lotus Tree Blog ( ha! 🙂 Another WordPress blog!) that helped explain things to me… Basically, there isn’t an infraction to celebrate the holiday since it is a cultural one.

After reading a few posts like a mad woman, I got the gist and responded… hesitating a bit whilst typing each character… “Gracias 😀 and same to you too chica!” Then pressing send… Only for a response a minute later “Thanks sister ;-)”

All that anxiety of not wanting to be offensive.

But really, we all need to be more culturally aware of others!

Incase of Spies?

Posted by LawNerd on

The thought occurred to me that if I’m supposed to keep quiet about things that happened last week, and someone happened to trace my history while on the wifi network at school I just have one thing to say: Freedom of speech. Since I was a party, it’s not like I’m spreading lies- just events based on my own rational perception. (Hell yeah! Mock Trial and legal studies are actually helping!)

No Exit and Hotel California

Posted by LawNerd on

Before shit went down on Thursday, I was in Dr. Rabbit’s class going over the first part of the play, No Exit by Jean-Paul Sartre. I ended up reading the whole play the day before to get a feel of which character I was planning on performing for Tuesday.

And then the thought clicked… the play sounds a lot like the song Hotel California by the Eagles. So I raised my hand and read out some of the lyrics then we played the song, and Dr. Rabbit kept looking at me smiling and commenting about how well it connected. All while I was trying to not blush from being “praised” so to speak… If only that shit that went down on Thursday wasn’t about her, I’d probably be still giddy and not dreading going back to school tomorrow…

The Mock Trial Test

Posted by LawNerd on

I’d call this post “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of happiness (Part 7)” but this title is more… fitting.

I never thought that I would be involved in something big that actually requires me to rely on my on-the-stand-witness skills right after calming someone who was having a major anxiety attack. Maybe our flawed American educational system isn’t so bad after all…

Thursday afternoon, I witnessed something I should not have. Cops came and a school counselor started to interrogate me. I had to stay calm and state everything I knew- which was absolutely nothing. The only thing that kept me cool was thinking about mock trial and if this was a direct while I was on the stand. So I went to fill in the direct in my mind

Please state your name: 
Rory Shelton.

What happened:
I was coming for my classes to be advised for next semester. What’s going on out there?

I don’t know,  did you hear anything? 
Well… I heard the cop say something, you heard him too. Say, is that an IPhone5s? I got one too!

I did hear- no, it’s the Iphone5-
Cool! How do you like it? I’m learning how to work mine still. But I know programmers to help me out on it.

And that’s how I side-tracted the “crossing attorney”… My natural ditziness led the conversation into talking about iphones, my back issues, and their kids and family. This whole time I was thinking “Oh my god… I should win a freaken award for this instead of playing on the team anymore”

That was until yesterday.

I was interrogated by Gero and Nicole about “my mental well-being” since I had their classes that day and I guess the counselor wanted to know how I was doing through them… But because they were familiar I didn’t maintain my cool because I gave my infamous ‘death-glare’ and was kind of reserved in my body language.

So here’s some steps to be cool when you’re a witness:

1: Always take your essence- what makes you… you out of yourself. If you’re protecting someone, act stupid. And if you really don’t know anything- then be ditzy and you just might be left alone.

2: If you do know something and a cop is asking you questions- then tell it the way it is (don’t lie to officers- you can get sent to jail for that shit). But if someone else is asking you things, then you don’t “have to” tell them you know things.

3: Think that if you show your poker face, you win. but if you show your hand or are shaking then you might as well be screwed in the ass with a massive dildo on a fully-charged dildo.

4: If you are standing hold onto something. Don’t let your hands show any shakiness. That is an easy indicator to nervousness.

5: If you are sitting, fold your hands (or play with your Iphone5s), and sit still (or normal if you slouch and etc).

6: Look them in the eyes. If you are looking side to side or else where, you showed them your hand and guilt or anything else.

7: Talk like one of your favorite characters. I like being the sales rep, Salmoneous from Xena: Warrior Princess. But if you’re not an over the top person, then you really should be like Gabrielle- she’s witty but can pass off as annoying ditz that everyone just doesn’t want to hang with.

So there’s my words of advice if you get interrogated or become a witness to something! Hope this makes life better somehow.

 

Back to the drawing board?

Posted by LawNerd on

Today I was in pain. Not just any pain, but a pain shooting up and down my left midsection like as if I was roundhouse kicked there, like I was in karate all over again.

I just groaned and just dealt with it until I had to pick up my back pack to go to my car. Internally, I was screaming.

I got to school and went through my Criminal Law class with a breeze. Then I walked to Dr. Rabbits class. I was in too much pain to really talk, so I just whispered to the guy who sits next to me in class like I normally do in that class and in Psych, we’ll call him D.

After class, I asked if we were still on for spring rolls, and she said yes-to meet her by her office at 4:30.

So I preoccupied my time with printing out my mock trial case… all 131 pages of it. The library staff was pleased!

The time comes, and passes before we left campus, and my mental plan went down the drain, so I improved since she drove and I didn’t have that distraction of driving to keep me from not rambling. Which I ended up doing, in the worst way possible: talking about exes… like Jenn.

But out of all the puns and jokes, one really stuck out to me. We were talking about going to the cornfield that was on the way back to campus, and basically the conversation went like this:

Rabbit: If you took only right turns, you’d be able to make it out.
Me: But what if there was a huge square? You’d be going around for days.
Rabbit: Well, eventually you’ll have to retrace your steps to make it out.
Me: I’d rather be like Robert Frost, and take the road less travelled and just bulldoze my way through.
-we both laugh hysterically-
Rabbit: But corn stalks are tough to break.
Me: Not with a sword.
Rabbit: Or a machete.
Me: I have a bat in my car?
Rabbit: If we could only try it… and then you’d be even more late to Mock Trial.
Me: I could make a call and get out of it…? But we should go another day with more time.

So… now I’m back to the drawing board with planning to go to the corn maze and a vegan restaurant. But the memory of today shall be there to remind me that maybe it’s not just an obsession, but it’s mutual companionship.