Category Archives: Rants

Strong and Proud.

Posted by LawNerd on

I am in my last-ish semester of doing my masters. I still hang out with a few friends that are stuck in their Senior year and miss me from my escapade to Michigan, but I also talk a lot to Nicole (She’s the professor who helped me come to terms with my old infatuation with Dr. Rabbit. Another professor is Dr. Fish (her name sounds like the name of my favorite fish dish, which I accidentally called her by for a while in under grad so fish it is).

I had Criminology tonight, and I was in Dr. Fish’s class. Judging by the syllabus, it was going to be easy since I am for once interested in the content (I haven’t had this feeling since I took a woman’s studies class back in undergrad!) After class, I went and thanked Dr. Fish (for probably the 50th time) for letting me turn in my paper late last semester, and she asked how I’ve been. I spilled everything as we stood leaning on the wall in the renovated section of the Academic Science building- I’m doing better.

That was my everything. I am doing better. I have more stability with work, I’ve befriended a judge, my mom is still on the kidney transplant list, but it’s a miracle she’s on it now, I am forcing myself to take 5 classes this semester so I can take one over the summer and then with the rest of my time, go to Peru for vacation, I don’t have the desire to really put myself out there for friends and my stepsister since they all cut me out when it was convenient for them (yes I said it. I cut my step sister out of my life after telling her on new years eve when she asked if “everything cool wit us”… I said “No. And this isn’t the place nor time to talk about it in front of people and my family from Mexico.” Needless to say, she left to go whore out with her friends according to snapchat stories I was amusing myself with the next day).  So that I learned to enjoy my mom, family, and take no shit from anyone and dish out the tough love when needed.

She stared at me in awe. “Ms. [insert my last name]. I am impressed. You are at a stronger place than what you were last term. I am very amazed at how strong you have emotionally become, and I am proud to know you.”

I had to think about what she said on my way home… I really have become strong since I met Dr. Fish and Nicole (3 and 4 years ago perspectively). I am Strong and Proud.

Day 11: War and Peace 

Posted by LawNerd on

It’s been bliss. I have hairy legs, and armpits thanks to no shave November. But I’m at war and at peace. Peace with Bucky not talking to me knowing this is a break in our friendship. But at war with Kate. She’s cornering me to hang out or rant about her relationship and it feels like I’m with Ashley all over again. 

We all know how that ended up… I don’t want to go through that again. :/ 

The U-Haul…?

Posted by LawNerd on

I’m not one for stereotyping people of the LGBTQIA community… But tonight just made me feel so weird about the date with Shellbelle.

Me: I saw your post on tumblr about 420. Lol bring a joint next wk?
Her: I don’t know how to roll a joint, but if you have any we can try it out. Or smoke from my bowl. Oh. One thing though… If my mom is home and if she wants to meet you, I’m telling her I met you at school. She probably would like to meet you and talk about your home town since she’s from there too.

And that’s when I was like “What?” How did we get from 420 to her wanting me to meet her mom? And that’s when it hit me. This totally has to be a mini u-Haul moment. I never dreamed of being in one. Nor did I think I would have met someone whose faster than me in that sense. And it makes me think… “Does this mean she wants to have sex like on the fucking first date?” “Is this how I used to come off as?” “What?” I just don’t know what the hell happened.

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But in the end I said; “well, it’s ultimately your decision if you want me to meet your mom: if she wants to meet me too. I’m cool either way, and I can say I went to your school and say that’s where we met. It’s not that big of a deal.”

But me- not the stressed out me- always had a problem with that. So I guess I’ll find out how this all goes down next week… I know for a fact she’s pretty hot, and apparently wants to get laid (which I’m all for that, but with someone I have more… Substance with), so what else is really stopping me/ giving me this uneasy feeling now?

A Deeper Side

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Despite that it’s 1 am, with a glass of wine that had lasted me roughly about 4 hours, a final looming over my head in 16 hours, and that I have access to the internet, my itunes, and netflix… I still have yet to get Caro outta my damn mind. (Maybe to come out and tell her or send her this? Alcohol must be talking.)

But I had a thought before the wine hit… What have I become? I’ve based my writing off of obsessions like Sally, Dr. Rabbit, Shawn, more Dr. Rabbit and now Caro in the span of 2 years. Sure, I’ll always say something about Caro now but what happens when I do come out and tell her how I feel and she realizes that it’s not worth having someone always liking you texting you when you have no obligation to see them ever again, and so you stop. Will I be devastated? Maybe. Will I meet someone new and start to fixate over them? I hope not- I’m tired of the merry-go-round of emotions, and actually want to settle into a relationship…

So why do we do this to ourselves? Fall in love (or develop deep meaningful crushes), I mean. All it really does is give the illusion of a happy ending, lust filled or attraction charged, scenario that was heavily influenced by Disney, Hollywood sources, or even back in ancient philosophy with Plato’s Symposium with the infamous quote:

“According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”  –Plato’s Symposium

What makes the connection between two (or more if polyamory is up your alley) people something we really feel the need to strive for? Sure, I’m a total hopeless romantic… but why? Do we naturally come out of the womb with an innate desire to cuddle with someone, watch feminist movies or The L Word on a marathon mode?

Some can argue that it’s biology and our innate need to reproduce and and create life, but then that doesn’t explain homosexuality since its just sex and not reproduction. It could be that psychologically we have the need to feel desired so our brain is tricked into releasing chemicals to make us feel elated…

I could go on forever since theres seemingly too many explanations…

Where My Feminism Arises…

Posted by LawNerd on

TRIGGER WARNING: LINKED VIDEO MAY BE A TRIGGER.

So the internet places I’ve been on blew up all about this Elliot Rodgers kid (ie. Tumblr and Facebook).

Now, I’ve read a lot of shit and saw his video, and it grossed me out. I couldn’t get past the 3 minute mark.

Now… for some of the arguments…

Some guys say he’s in the right for killing 7 because he was “friendzoned”… If that was the case, I’d have  went on 3 killing sprees at this point in my life. SO! Let’s dissect why that statement/ logic is so fucked up… friendzone is just a made-up term to describe one person not wanting to have sex or a more in-depth relationship with another person… At that point, wouldn’t it just be good to say ‘oh’ and just drop it? Why ruin a perfectly good friendship all in the name of what…? Getting laid so one doesn’t have to wank/flick the bean for another while longer?

He was mentally ill…That is one big ole flawed argument right there. Not all people with mental disabilities (yes, I’m acknowledging there might be a fraction that do) are disturbed to the point of going out on a casual killing spree… so stop feeding into the societal brainwashing of the use of disabilities in the media (as learned from an article read for Nicole’s class and presentation I was at back in October by Melinda Hall, whom I’ve found her wordpress if anyone is interested in philosophy). What we do know is, that he showed signs of being extremely theatrical (much like the ones Ashley showed when we last spoke), and that he could have just been another boy who wanted attention or had a bad home life or etc- we don’t know squat about this kid other than he was 22, virgin, and wanted to have sex to the point of objectfying women as that being their only use.

He’s the product of conservative white christians… That’s just being stereotypical… I know some conservative white christians who are more stable than this kid… but it seems to be more of a misogynistic issue here.

So, what are your thoughts about this guy and the few arguments proposed?
~C

My Hiatus, Cut Short

Posted by LawNerd on

So, I’ve not made any effort at all to write on my blog, do any homework for my class that starts on Tuesday, or write my HIV law article that’s due in 16 days.

Why?

I wanted to just hang back and not do shit so I can finally enjoy myself after this crazy year that passed by with the loss of friendship with Ashley, and being a lost cause crusader of Dr. Rabbit’s termination. So that’s exactly what I did. I didn’t do shit since May 9th.Instead, I’ve been on Netflix the entire time watching so many things, but mainly having Xena marathons with Caro… the one person that just gets me and doesn’t judge or anything. (This may seem like a rant, but I just want to finally release all these pent-up feels through the only way I know best-writing…) I feel like I don’t have to worry about running out of things to talk about with her because we literally have many common interests, and things that we do, and everything. We joke around saying that we are twins. But sometimes I wonder. “Is this just twin stuff or what if…? Is she my soul mate?” But then I have to remove myself from that line of thoughts because she already “friendzoned” me once, but if I did say anything about relationships or that nagging attraction to her (not just physically now but also other things like the greater depth of personality I’ve come to learn, or her values, and morals), I think she’d really say goodbye after a few select words. And honestly, I don’t know what would I do if I didn’t get to wake up to her usual 4/5 am texts, hours later to get that “…wow… she still wants to talk lil ole me?” giddy feeling. Plus the fact that they are so early, only makes me wonder ‘Am I the first and last person she talks to every day…?‘ So I’m stuck between this intense attraction but feeling the need to be reserved because I don’t want to lose her like I’ve done to so many or the fact that starting Tuesday- I’m not going to have any time for a social life let alone a relationship (which she totally gets, and that’s the most astounding part… someone I’ve known barely 6 months has become close enough than what Ashley was).

Anyway… Switching gears a bit… now that shit is due, I’m going to focus on it all and who knows? Maybe it will all pay off in the end like it did for my early graduation!!! Honors rope and medallion, and department award all at the age of 20 instead of the typical 22-year-old graduating from college!

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(The rainbow bangles were a present from Nicole.)

I Have a Confession…

Posted by LawNerd on

The only people that know about my weakness is Nicole and Jewel… I’ve been going through a rough time with Dr. Rabbit…

It finally hit me how abusive she was and manipulative, and it fucked me up… She broke my mind because now I can’t get rid of the day she was escorted off campus or any other encounter we had.

Both Nicole and Jewel said that I’m traumatized from her… so all that trauma built up and led me to just explode (apart from the constant breakdowns)

“”>With all due respect Dr. Rabbit… I have to stop you right there. I have too much in my own life like graduation and law school to be brought back into your issue with Lewis. So, I’m asking you nicely that you please refrain from involving me in anymore discussion about your legal issues with Lewis right now. Looking back now, I should have not been dragged or allowed myself to be brought into this in the first place back in November. That was because I was physically and emotionally attracted to you- hence the mention of the older woman in my previous message. But now I would just like to be left alone and not be burdened with your issue with the school, 5 months after the fact. I wish you the best in your future endeavor with employment, ~C”

I finally confessed… I just wish my past self writing out of some hot and bothered erotic place this stuff https://93cedelle.wordpress.com/2013/11/ , would have an idea of what was to come.

Finally Grown Up?

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Well, the reality of finals in exactly a month and graduation 2 weeks after that finally hit me (Must have been after accepting the fact that I still have a chance at raising my gpa).

I’m excited. Not just because I bought my class ring- picked it out on my own and customized it… But because I’ve finally accepted that I have to move on, and push forward with the next step in life- law school.

But there’s just one nagging thought that gives me ‘adult separation anxiety‘(A term that believe it or not, I just learned and researched to write this post… Maybe my psychology knowledge isn’t as extensive as I thought it was)… Nicole. I really found not just a friend in her- but a sister, and what seems like another mom.

Sure, in this environment of being in school together could have caused it (after all, I broke free from any feelings of Dr. Rabbit from not seeing her on a daily basis in about 5 months) but the feeling is different… It’s like… I know I’ll stay in touch with her every so often, but I don’t want to annoy her with wanting to hang out, get some drinks, etc.

Eh. Like I said, I’m growing up and taking all those factors into consideration instead of just making empty promises like we all did every semester to our “best friends” that we met just weeks before. But if growing up means losing people whether it may be abruptly and leaves a sour taste in the pit of your stomach (*cough* Ashley *cough*), or that life kinda passes by and time passes with, that we just lose track of people.

Which way of losing people when you grow up is worse…?

Fuck

Posted by LawNerd on

Let’s add on to the stress of what’s been happening, shall we? 

I checked my grades to make sure I’m still in great standing with being on Dean’s list… and I found out I got an 85% in my Global HR Management workshop. You’d think “oh that’s not bad for a philosophy major who has never taken a management class ever!”

Wrong thing to say…  that 85% knocked me from a 3.503, to a 3.49… I’m officially off the deans list now… the month before graduation… Just my fucking luck! I really hope I can manage A’s in the other workshops to balance it out along with managing to get at least B’s in Theology and Economics.

I’ve never been more scared of failing anything, let alone getting even a B in any class considering that I really need the GPA high since I’ve been rejected from 3 of the 5 law schools I’ve applied to thus far. I’m waiting for one more before I settle on the one in the city, John Marshall.

No sweat… right?

The End of Rabbit.

Posted by LawNerd on

I feel like I got out of a relationship with Dr. Rabbit from how much I was devoted to her… I practically risked my graduation for her, to not even write me one letter of recommendation for schools that I’m struggling to get into. For that, I’m furious and I hope she one day realizes how she dun goofed and made an innocent person not like her.

Wow… I clearly have some pent up anger issues there… I need to keep this quote in mind: