Category Archives: Depression

Roots

Posted by LawNerd on

Like hair, one’s roots show after being a certain way for a while. For me, I’m showing my brown roots after being blonde for the better part of 2015… 

 
But I’m also realizing that it’s just more than my hair roots that are showing. My personality is starting to regress back to how it was as a kid- looking at everyone from a distance and feeling this burning desire to just be alone. 

Which is totally not happening! A friend of a friend (who lives a few states away), let’s call her Willson, doesn’t want me to be alone. Willson came to me for advice a month and a half ago about coming out. 

Flash forward to present day: Willson posted a status saying “One of the hardest things: falling in love with your best friend and not knowing how to tell them…” I remembered back in the day my feelings for Bucky, Tay, and Sally, so I liked it. 

After that she called me and asked me a bunch of questions which in all honesty only confirmed what I thought: she’s falling for me and she’s going to ask me out. And she did. But we are apart by a state- so 4 hours of driving. I agreed to it because who knows what will happen. 

So I guess I’m in a long distance relationship with Willson, and I don’t have any friends to talk to. 

Fucking Dr. Rabbit. 

Posted by LawNerd on

Today I had a meeting with the class coordinator at school with my friend in this Master’s program, Mono. We got all the classes done and then we chatted and me taking the LSAT in 2013 came up and so did the issue with Dr. Rabbit. 

And I broke down crying. In the middle of the fucking meeting. 

Reliving the moment Dr. Rabbit said what do people think, that she would come and shoot up the place with a shotgun made my nerves (along with hormones from my period) get the better of me and made me cry. 

It was fucking embarrassing. :/ I really do need to talk to someone professional about this… It’s been 2 years now. 

Catharsis

Posted by LawNerd on

3 blog posts in the past 48 hours?! 

The world is coming to an end (if not for me writing, then surely for the loss of over 115k people yesterday/today from all the events happened).

Maybe the reason why I write around this time of the year every year since I stopped posting daily, is because of seasonal depression. And the way to release it is by cathartic writing. 

It all finally makes sense. Cathartic writing link

Liberation

Posted by LawNerd on

Kate texted me randomly out of the blue asking what are my plans tonight. I still feel a sting when she asks me things last minute/ day of when she wants to do something. Thursday we were supposed to go to starved rock. I was actually looking forward to that. The night before she said work called and she won’t make it- despite telling me to take days off at my jobs and freeze my life for her. 

And then I realized. She was acting just like Ash. (Woah. I haven’t thought about Ash in forever.) I used to always put everything I wanted to do on hold for her or when she wanted to hang out. 

I truly felt disgusted that I’m seeing that pattern in Kate, and a little bit of Bucky. These people what were supposedly my best friends since Ash make me sick sometimes… Even to the point of feeling like my responses to them are laced venom… 

 I just need to breathe and find liberation. 

Adulting so hard

Posted by LawNerd on

Adulthood. The time in life where your parents didn’t prepare you for other than make sure you have some money on hand and feed people when they come over. 

They never taught me that loneliness is a huge factor. They never taught me that you’re going to hate people so much at work that sometimes you just want to cry. They never taught me that you need to let go of people who keep letting you down for the sake of your own mental health. 

I learned that last one today. Bucky was out of town for a family thing, and when I went to the bank I normally go to (where she works since that’s where we met) and I saw her car there. I thought she was still out of town because I haven’t heard from her in weeks asking to lemme know when she wants to hang out. Nothing. 

So I’ve decided say fuck it! I honestly don’t need the extra heartache having to wonder if she thinks I’m a friend or not. Which is funny… This time last year I was head over heels for her. Now? I honestly sometimes  wish I didn’t ask her for her number last last summer.

What’s this?

Posted by LawNerd on

I am away from wordpress for a month and a half and everything has changed. 

Anyway, life is hectic. Today is the last day I have to myself before becoming a full fledged law student since class is at 9am tomorrow morning. I also live in grand rapids now… And this is the first time I am away from my family, and it’s hard on them, me, and even my dog whose apparently been crying…

Those tear stains break my heart...

My mom sent this to me… Those tear stains break my heart…

Things have changed a lot… Caro for one thing, changed from being the shy bisexual girl to a very open bi girl looking for another body building girl… Which that’s definitely not me, despite my weight loss of 25 pounds since the last time I wrote. And I’ve come to terms that we’ll just be really good friends despite having a lot in common, and finding her somewhat attractive (i say that because I’m not into the bodybuilder type).

There was a girl at the bank back at home that I finally decided to come out to, and also called her cute- Let’s call her Bucky (since he favorite actor is Sebastian Stan from Captain America 2). Sadly, she seemed interested in going out for coffee this week… But there’s a problem… I’m about 3 hours away (180 miles as another estimate). So here I am, living in a place that I know nothing or anyone in when I have a potential future girl back at home who is losing interest, and fast. 

Don’t you just love how life fucks with you? I have been telling Nicole how I got the cute girl’s number at the bank since May… And yet I was too shy to talk to her until the week before I left, and decided to chase after Caro, whom I had a feeling was unattainable since I first developed a small attraction to her back in February. So I guess I really screwed up there. But at the same time, I’m glad I didn’t start any relationships because I’ll need all the time and devotion I have to studies and not someone else. 

Sigh… I sometimes hate prioritizing things correctly.

Day 190 of 2014

Posted by LawNerd on

Funny how my day can go from boring due to homework about cases with drugs and guns… to happy that a guy at a vegan restaurant I’m frequenting lately was mesmerized and all smiley and knocked a table over by looking at me with a dorky smile spread on his face… to feeling awful for going overboard while talking to Caro about the time Jenn groped me in a store… To extremely horrible on the car ride home from Chicago because of the realization that I don’t want to see my family anymore since it’s nothing but stress over by them with crime and and I just want stress to leave me alone because of two upcoming finals, and a article that needs to be published that’s overdue by a month is coming up next week… To just painful because I just want to lay here and continue crying and screaming out all the pent up anger from not being able to breathe in my own life, into my pillow as I have for the past 30 minutes.

I figured, since I’ve been bottling everything up and not writing lately, it’s why I’m feeling out of control.

The New Focus

Posted by LawNerd on

The 28th, I woke up in terror. I had a nightmare that Nicole died.

Why it affected me so? I don’t know. All I know is that I was supposed to be asleep till 7:30 before I had to shower and pick her up from the train station to go to school to watch a movie.

In the nightmare… class was canceled and we all wanted to know why she canceled class all that week. When I came home, and flipped the TV on, I saw a story about dozens being killed in a train wreck that happened outside of my town. So I went to Chicago to look for her apartment since she wasn’t answering any texts or calls, and I ended up being led up to some penthouse with a pool. It was at night when the pool glowed on the walls, and showing the bright stars on the all glass ceiling and then my theology teacher (Nicole’s neighbor), BC walked in and asked what I was doing here… I responded with “I’m looking for Nicole… have you seen her?” She said “She died in a car accident.” “WHAT? But she can’t drive…?” BC said “your right… she died in her appartment.” And at that moment, I dropped to my knees as the fluorescent blue pool light shimmered revealing a shadow. I turned to the pool, and saw her body floating. I screamed with tears of terror streaming down my face. I dove into the water, still aware I had my clothes, electric car key, and $400 iphone in my pockets shocking my hips gently. When I got to Nicole, I flipped her over and right when I saw her face so peaceful like in a deep trance as maggots started coming out of her nose and mouth, I woke up.

It was 5:30 am, and I couldn’t sleep so I just started my day off from there. By 9 I was heading out to pick her up while trying to not freak out from the dream….

Skip forward to Tuesday, the 4th.

I went to Chicago on the train with M, and 2 friends from GSA (let’s call them Jay-C, and Retty). Jay-C is a gay guy who’ve I’ve gotten to be pretty close with. And Retty is this adorable punkish girl whose straight, but a huge ally to the LGBT community. We all went to Boystown, and didn’t really see much but we saw a ton of sex shops and ate a lot of food.

Yet I’ve been procrastinating on my thesis, I feel like a total failure from it… Well no more. I’m going to get my head back in the game starting today at 11:59 pm, 3/8/14.

Death Makes It’s Toll

Posted by LawNerd on

Monday night, my teacher died. I was close to him because he helped me feel more comfortable being the president of GSA, and more so to be direct with my sexuality. Why? Because he was the only gay professor I’ve ever had the privilege of meeting, working with, and chatting too in the mornings about life. The last time I saw him was back in October, but we still stayed in touch over Facebook and chatted sparingly on there when he had the energy to respond to people.

Cancer can do that to someone…

Tomorrow, is his funeral. I’m going along with Dr. Rabbit at 10, but the worst part is: I can’t stay too long. Not because I’d get emotional, but because I have a workshop to attend that technically starts at 9:30-1:30. I’m nervous since this is the first funeral I’ve ever attended… Unless you count the time I was 2, and snuck into my grandfather’s casket poking him and trying to wake him up to play and to drink water… My mom had to grab me out of the casket with tears streaming down her face since her cousin in law was supposed to be watching me.

Speaking about my mom… I had to take her to the hospital today. But, her doctor wasn’t in so the receptionist had referred her to her eye doctor. After 3 hours there, we (well, I) had to drive an hour away to another family doctor who did absolutely nothing but a urine sample and some blood tests that could have been done at the hospital.

But throughout the day, my mom was getting weaker (which is bad considering her health is already shit) and I was growing more frustrated at this wild goose hunt between doctors to get some answers already. There was one lady in a wheelchair who happened to be talking to her older son about his wife’s food. She said it would be nice to eat again, because once you get old, nothing works and then there’s nothing, so what’s the point of living? I wanted to bitch smack her so hard because I turned to my mom who was sleeping on my arm in the lobby and thought that even if someone can barely do shit with their body anymore, it’s the outlook on life. I was raised to think that life is meant to be filled by doing little things that make you happy (like spending 3 nights in a row watching Netflix, as an example). So for this lady to talk as if she was already dead, pissed me off. Go do something with yourself lady… you can still talk right? Get a phone, and call a friend and laugh instead of painting your life so damn dull and dreary.

By the time we got home, I had to rush to revise my resumé and paper to turn in to my teacher and the LSAC site, fill up on gas, go to the bank and make it to class in 2 hours.

When I got out, my mom called and asked if I was out and on the road…

Me: Yeah, I just left the campus and about to get on the bridge. 
Mom: Could you call your father and ask him to come over so he isn’t rushing in the morning? 
Me: Sure. Let me just organize the other million things in my head. 
Mom: What other things? 
Me: All the work I was supposed to do today. I ended up pleading with Nicole over text if she can give me an extension for my paper on Monday. She’s cool enough to give me till Tuesday.
Mom: Oh… I’m so sorry bebé. It’s my fault you didn’t get anything done… I just didn’t feel strong enough to drive and I didn’t have anyone else to ask. 

And that’s precisely when my heart broke… My tears swelled up, choking me and making me gasp for air. My own mother blaming herself and her health for causing me a little stress compared to what I’m normally used to? I wanted to tell her to take back what she said, to not feel like she’s a liability or an anchor to my life, or anything of that sorts. I hated everything about school, about doctors who can’t fucking say squat except for ‘gimme money because your insurance just ran out’, about having to work, about God for making her suffer this way (just another reason to think that if there is a God, s/he’s one evil motherfucker asshole that should burn with its counterpart-Satan), about everything.

Me: Don’t say that. I’m pissed at the doctors for throwing you around like a rag doll. I can handle the bump- I’ll just have to work 2x harder tomorrow. So don’t be sorry, because I can handle it. If anything…

sorry