Category Archives: Crushes

I Now Interrupt Finals Week For a Short Story!

Posted by LawNerd on

Bucky had reblogged something on my tumblr about how it would sound if someone wrote a short novel about them… So I told her “I’ll write something about you in detail…” So I sent her this:

She had just gotten out of work at 9 pm, tired beyond belief after what feels like smiling 8 hours straight to a mix of angry and docile customers. All she wanted to do was go home and crack open a beer and unwind from the day with her beloved, Alistair. As she was getting into her pastel green car, her spine snapped a bit. Slowly but surely, her body was returning into her homeostasis. She sighs as she pulls out of the parking spot to turn onto the main road of her quaint town, softly gripping the steering wheel with one hand while turning up the music with the other. “This time I might just disappear/ This time I might just dis/ This time I might just disappear/ This time I might just dis.” blared into her ears as she drifted into autopilot. The first thought that came to mind was when her friend asked her to call and the ringtone was set to this song. The memory made her lips turn upward into a relaxed, and genuine smile—a first in the past few hours that accentuated the indentation in her chin.

In no time, she was shuffling through the garage, and looking up to see a darkened family room with a note on the counter. “Hey hon, your dad and I turned in early, there’s some pizza in the fridge. Don’t stay up too late and I love you! –Mom <3” As she was walking into her room with the pizza box balancing her beer, she began to shed her layers of the day. Down coat, kicking off shoes, and unbuttoning her work shirt. It was then that she felt calm and began to unwind while her xbox glowed green, making her already bright green eyes shine even brighter as Alistair appeared on her tv screen.

And her text says it all!

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Not So Organized Chaos

Posted by LawNerd on

In under 48 hours, I will be taking my first real law school final. and I’m not motivated at all to read over notes anymore. I feel broken and just unable to focus or want to talk to anyone other than Gretchen, Bucky, and my old friend from 6th grade… Ann.

Let me tell you a thing or two about Ann. She was my friend back in the day along with the first guy I had a crush on, who ultimately was an emotional abuser/ tormentor from 5th grade till 7th grade- Let’s call him Jack ( 🙂 short and sweet for jackass). They had contacted me on Facebook back in April, and I finally got closure after 9 years of initially feeling like a worthless good for nothing piece of shit person, to struggling all throughout high school to lose that concept and become the somewhat strong woman I am today… But Ann had told me this back in April:

Ann: Jack and I were high last night and he’s like let’s look up your profile. So we did and he sent that bc he was being mean to me. (Ya I know it’s so cruel that were talking) no lol. You’re actually really cool. And I analyzed Jack. He said he doesn’t want you to know it was him bc he’s scared you will get mad and not like him again. He knows he took a lot of his anger out on you. But I feel like I know that’s just him. His dark side. How he plays. It’s pretty cute actually. And he’s a very sweet guy too. Part of me thinks he misses you and you’re still on his mind…

I was stunned. 9 years. 9 fucking bloody horrifically tough years becoming who I wanted to be after digging myself out of that horrible mental state. I of course responded in the “nicest” way I could…

Me: … not sure how to really respond to that in a short concise way. So I’m going to pick that apart like a philosophy major.

1. Do I want to know why I was on his mind- let alone while high? (I’m bemused on that- but it’s probably the same effect as being shitfaced and calling an ex or something).

2. Why should he care if I like him or not after 9 years of no communication? I don’t know if he told you about the last time we spoke- it wasn’t really a good thing considering he was harassing me over the phone as another “joke,” when I had just moved after the divorce and then pretty much bad mouthed my mom and a cop when he took his mom’s cell. So when you say “not like him again,” in the sense that he was my first crush, and playing that kind of a shitty game that affected my trust in my first relationship with a guy 3 years after the fact is clear reason that I’m probably not going to get chummy with him.

3. “He knows he took a lot of his anger out on you” So… what? He wants closure and to be forgiven for all the crap and emotional scars he left in that crucial developmental stage? I tried to ask for the same thing -closure- sophomore year through (mutual friend at time) in karate class who still chatted with him, and he said (according to what she told me) that I was some “obsessive crazy chick that had a huge crush on him and wouldn’t leave him alone.” So I dropped it- I forgot about him until you messaged me, when it finally hit. My thought process was: oh yeah- they pulled that phone prank on me, and then he knew he hurt my feelings and always tried to make me feel better by acting nice for like a week before he hurt me again- God I was so fucking stupid back then to keep giving him chances throughout those 2 years- Now i remember why I left.

4. I fail to see how it’s cute.

So after all of that… we went out for lunch on April 25th (I only remember the day since I had a school event that night). Things were actually really nice between Ann and I. I found out she’s into hardcore BDSM, and she was bi along with her tumblr and things started looking up.

Except for the fact that she’s still best friends with Jack.

Skip forward to about 2 weeks ago.. She got busted for having pot on her, and so she needed to go to court, where she was freaking out. I tried to calm her down at least on facebook while I was in class. After some helpful words, she was calm.

Skip to yesterday… She had made post about being awkward in social situations, and I decided to comment saying she wasn’t awkward back in the day, and then I private messaged her when she brought up a sleep over. And so I opened up.

Me: I feel like opening up about a memory. That one time you came over and stayed a few days, I was shyer than usual because I didn’t know why I was feeling the same way towards you and I did with Jack. So the end of 6th grade was really weird for me.
Ann: Really? I had no idea. But those were some fun days- I’ll never forget the sleepover.
Me: I tend to keep my feelings hidden very well with both genders, then never really open up till later down the road. That’s why I tend to just have crushes and not actually date and be forever alone (or well, for the past 3 years I’ve been single). haha, same. XD You snored back then, and then rolled closer on the mattress and I freaked out and ran to my dad’s room.
Ann: haha I’m sorry thats too funny xD Usually I’m  shy when I like someone or just around anyone but I think I’m lots of fun when I’m actually comfortable with ppl but that like never happens. I think a lot of people stop talking to me because they just think I’m going to be boring forever :/ 
Me: Funny that I felt strange when you came close and knew that if I stayed we’d probably be cuddling and at the time I thought it was taboo for girls to do that? & Same. I am an awkward turtle when it comes to being around people I like, but if I don’t think about it and just be comfortable I’m actually fun. You- boring? Nah- people just need to understand that encounters are awkward and give others some time, and not to be judgemental.
Ann: You made me eep just now x) I was just surprised that we were getting along so well, and i was nervous as hell bc I didn’t want you to think I was a jerk like Jack… and I wanted you to like me.
[more conversation about how we kinda think things are cute]
Ann: … well the feeling is mutual then. 

And that’s when I asked Ann out for dinner and some drinks after we had a… “moment.” I figured that after all these years, why not? Indulge myself in dating since I clearly have been upping my game with Mo, and people on tumblr, and seeing if there is truly any substance between myself and someone else that isn’t Bucky since everyone (meaning my mom and Kate) keep telling me she might not come around to truly having feelings for another girl.

An End to a Perfect day…

Posted by LawNerd on

I’m back home for Thanksgiving… And it’s been an eventful time the past few days.

Wednesday: I drove from Grand Rapids back home. I then made Thanksgiving dinner with my mom, and then I played the Dragon Age game I got from Bucky earlier that day. I didn’t want to be awkward with her, and I took Kate’s advice to heart… be yourself.

Thursday: Thanksgiving came along. My mom’s fiancee’s  family came by. His niece kept making the whole day about herself and was taking an obnoxious amount of selfies… By the end of the night, I was hidden in a room facetiming Kate.

Friday: I woke up and I went to the mall and scored myself a new laptop computer (this is the first blog post from it! How exciting!) I talked to Shawn and Bucky too. Bucky invited me over to play video games. Which I found to be extremely surprising since I kinda stopped inviting her or asking when she was free to hang out. But it was a little late, so I decided to just stay in and play the game she gave me.

TODAY- Saturday: I had a dentist appointment at 12, and then I got out at 1 and met up with Bucky for coffee. We spent like 40 minutes at the coffee shop, before my mom asked me if I could come back to get howard to fix the new laptop to have microsoft. So I asked Bucky if she wanted to come back to my place (which was weird that I didn’t internally flip out when she said yes… Okay maybe I did a little since we were talking about so much about Dragon Age, and was hitting it off pretty well), and so we took off in my car. I was chanting Kate’s words in my mind the whole time… “be yourself…” And so I did. what happened? Well we got back, played around on the laptops, then I had to carry a box downstairs and she carried my laptop down with, and she looked around. I didn’t feel paranoid like I normally do with people in my room, I just felt right. Like Bucky was a long lost part of me or that room that just belonged. So we talked about the thing with Dr. Rabbit, her crazy exes, my crazy exes, our coping methods, and then just when deep things was getting talked about, Kate texted me asking if I was picking her up for dinner. I said sure, and I’ll be there in 15 minutes, but that I’d need to dress. So I asked Bucky if she could pick me an outfit and she did… I just didn’t expect to get undressed in front of her and then have her adjust my shirts or check my cleavage out. I was just trying really hard at that point to think of her as just a friend at that point since ive never let anyone play with my sleeves or pick out my clothes and watch me dress… it was different. I had no problem taking my shirt off in front of her when i normally freak out about that. I’m just questioning everything of why I was so comfortable with showing her this blog, my bra while changing, my room in it’s chaotic mess, my parents, and well everything. Also- my dog didn’t bark at her! Which only engrained the feeling of her belonging and just being perfect. But… sadly we are never getting together since she only sees herself ever being romantically involved with guys, whereas sexually with girls and guys.

So then I picked up Kate, dropped Bucky off at her car, and Kate just turned to me and said how perfect we look… I was like “yeah you dont have to tell me twice…” So I kinda went on a rant of how Bucky and I have the same music taste, morbid humor, rough patches in life, feelings toward doctors and whatnot… and she said that based on the time she saw us in the car, she hasn’t seen me that happy since I was on good terms with Ashley while dating Tay. It struck a chord with me… Like as if I belong with Bucky in some aspect of life.

After we went to a pub, and I had a kinky and some angry orchard, we drove around and got hookah pens. From there, I came home and just felt relaxed. Like to the point that I haven’t done hw bc I’m still thinking of Bucky… Shawn texted me and I told him, and he brought me back to earth saying she’s probably never going to see me in that light. Which I guess is weird considering I told her thanks for dressing me, and she instantly responded ‘thank you for letting me’ which at that point I was shy and blurted out that I liked hanging out with her and she responded that she “like hanging out with you too!!! very much” So the very much made me just completely blush and thats when i felt it- the crush getting more intense.

Sunday: I was invited to Dr. Gero’s party, and I have to pick up Nicole. It should be a… fun… day.

Unexpected?

Posted by LawNerd on

The_Text

 

This was my text to Bucky. Kate had said that she wasn’t liking Bucky since she always bails on the last-minute, which in my defense it was because I always invited her 2 days before wanting to go out…

But maybe the hints I’ve been leaving on tumblr or the fact that I straight up complemented and slightly batter my eyes on a Facebook post of hers that might have made her realize “oh. She does have a thing for me… What’s 3 hours on the road…? I did turn her down twice before back when she did live in IL…”

I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but still… It’s some hope. Even though, I did kinda hit it off with Mo, I can’t seem to fully bring myself to get over the whole blind factor. I feel like I’m not responsible enough.  Sure I love the conversations we get into, but I haven’t really thought about anything else, whereas with Bucky I feel shy and nervous around but I know for a fact that I’m attracted to her and that we could have more conversations if we did talk more/ I wasn’t shy as hell and just straight up told her how I started to feel about her since April.

Also, I’m doing better in school. I’m feeling more motivated. YES!

A Crazy Week?

Posted by LawNerd on

I’ve been trying to stay afloat after my mom was in the hospital Sunday morning, till tuesday and also after Brooklyn texted me Monday morning “I have to be honest, I had a great time on Saturday but I’ve come to the realization that I can’t handle a relationship right now. I really need to focus on my school because it’s becoming ridiculous. I’m sorry.”

So far? I’ve been annoyed at the world. I’ve been trying to get better by making amends with Dr. Rabbit on the phone on Wednesday. We spent 2 hours talking about her new job, struggling to pay bills, my dilemma with my mom and Brooklyn at the time. As we neared towards the end of the conversation, I brought up the last time we talked on the phone.

Dr. Rabbit: I didn’t talk to you again because I thought you were angry with me. 
Me: I was angry because I had lost 17 pages of my thesis and it was due in a week so I bit everyone’s heads off that week… the fact that I blurted out that I was attracted to you and then ended my message abruptly was seriously a slip of the tongue. I never meant to reveal my feelings towards you, but I guess I was just so frustrated with things in life I took it all out on you, and for that I’m sorry. 
Dr. Rabbit: Oh. It does make sense… My sister was right then. I told her about everything, and she said “she sounds stressed, but she doesn’t hate you, I mean she just confessed to you. It takes a ton of balls for a student to confess to their professor.” 
Me: -nervous laughter- hahahahahaha! wow… She totally gets me. But yeah, I guess it does take a lot to confess… It’s harder to hold it in for a year and a half though… 
Dr. Rabbit: You were attracted to me for that long? Are you still attracted to me? 
Me: It seems like it was long. And I plead the 5th on that last question… 

But needless to say, I’m actually a bit glad that finally got cleared up because the only Bridge that’s somewhat burning or maybe officially burnt down is with Ashley and her family…

Brooklyn is a Crazy… “Place”

Posted by LawNerd on

Going off my last post (which, wow… was a long as time ago), I was anticipating a date with a girl I met on Tindr, whom I’ve named Brooklyn on here.

Whatever happened?

The date was perfect. We went to Kobe, and had Hibachi and a drink. I secretly wanted to get another drink just to say I was too tipsy if I really was going to go through with kissing her at the end of the night for paying the bill… I offered to pay my half to not burden her, but she said she got it.

Anyway, then went to the movie theatre across the street. There we saw Maze Runner, and during the movie I saw her hand taping her leg so I just had to ask her “Can I hold your hand?” So we spent a good hour holding hands before the movie ended, and then as we were walking back to our cars, we both admitted to having a good time. And then I’m assuming she was expecting a kiss but something told me to hold off on it… A girl back at home came to mind (Bucky) and also, 2 days later (so September 29th), I figured out what made me not give in easily to kissing her.

She wasn’t ready for a relationship… And after a week since the date, I’ve come to realize that I don’t think I am ready for one either since I’m still in school for my Juris Doctorate. I wouldn’t mind having one though if we were open and there would be understanding that yes, I’m busy so I won’t be ready for clingy/ attached for a while.

Back At Home

Posted by LawNerd on

It’s been officially 4 weeks since I’ve been in my room. 4 weeks since I’ve laid in my bed, or saw tv or even had fast internet connection. I come home to: my dog being close with my mom, the mailbox overflowing with mail for a week or more, an empty kitchen, and my mom getting a new car.

It’s also strange to be home while still talking to the girl from tindr… I should give her a name… Brooklyn. Soo… I’ve literally had her in my mind all day. I’ve literally thought about cuddling while watching netflix, and having a glass of wine and feeling tipsy to the point of just slightly wanting to fall asleep in each others arms.

But yet we still have yet to go on that date. The one I’m practically crazy about for happening. First real date with someone who likes me, and not in the friend sense… if things do go well… then what? So lost on relationship stuff.

2 weeks later

Posted by LawNerd on

Well, it’s official. I’m finally too busy for blogs. I’ve stopped tumblr-ing a lot, and I almost completely stopped on here. The only consistent social network I have going for me, is facebook. Which even then has gone to shit…

Update: Law school has been kicking my ass… Especially my property law class. Stopped talking to Bucky, Dr. Rabbit, and Caro within the first 2 days of school starting. Why? To liberate myself, and to get away from people who don’t have the same goals or in the same point in life as I am… It was kind of liberating to be free and focus on myself. Too bad that didn’t last long… I decided to use tindr to get to know people in the area.

And I met a girl who for the record makes me feel more than just that ticklish feeling of moths- or the pretty ones flutter like awkward flying turtles inside of me. Given, that it’s only been a week since we started chatting on tindr, we exchanged numbers and even added each other on Facebook. If anyone knows me, it’s that I don’t trust anyone to give my number to just anyone. So why is she the exception? It all started out with talking about school. We both are 21, and also in grad school. Given, I’m in law school, she’s currently getting her doctorate in pharmacy. From there, we talked about a Garth Brooks concert back in Chicago that she was going to. From there, it was Maze Runner… and that’s when I asked her if she wanted to go see it. I was somewhat serious, but also shy because I kind of saw us actually going out.

“So… What happened?”you may be thinking….

Well, it was there that she asked for my number and since then we’ve been chatting. It’s a full week that we have been talking tonight. I’ve learned that she’s amazing in math, very outgoing, somewhat nerdy, extremely shy, never been out with anyone or knows how to flirt, and that she needs me to know that she likes me a lot. When she said that last night, I thought “That’s very definitive language… Need…” So I thought about that until 3 am when I fell asleep. I woke up hours later for class still thinking “Need… and I haven’t been able to get my mind off of her in the past 120 hours. Maybe that need is already fulfilled?”

Our date is on the 27th… so 10 more days. Can I survive solely on texting her while slowly falling for every new detail about her? I really can’t wait… yet I’m nervous about hurting her since not only am I her first date with a girl. I’m her first date in general and basically a mentor into the gay world. So I really don’t want to fuck it up and end up hurting her, and also not making myself vulnerable to being hurt too.

Did I mention that property class will be the death of me?

What’s this?

Posted by LawNerd on

I am away from wordpress for a month and a half and everything has changed. 

Anyway, life is hectic. Today is the last day I have to myself before becoming a full fledged law student since class is at 9am tomorrow morning. I also live in grand rapids now… And this is the first time I am away from my family, and it’s hard on them, me, and even my dog whose apparently been crying…

Those tear stains break my heart...

My mom sent this to me… Those tear stains break my heart…

Things have changed a lot… Caro for one thing, changed from being the shy bisexual girl to a very open bi girl looking for another body building girl… Which that’s definitely not me, despite my weight loss of 25 pounds since the last time I wrote. And I’ve come to terms that we’ll just be really good friends despite having a lot in common, and finding her somewhat attractive (i say that because I’m not into the bodybuilder type).

There was a girl at the bank back at home that I finally decided to come out to, and also called her cute- Let’s call her Bucky (since he favorite actor is Sebastian Stan from Captain America 2). Sadly, she seemed interested in going out for coffee this week… But there’s a problem… I’m about 3 hours away (180 miles as another estimate). So here I am, living in a place that I know nothing or anyone in when I have a potential future girl back at home who is losing interest, and fast. 

Don’t you just love how life fucks with you? I have been telling Nicole how I got the cute girl’s number at the bank since May… And yet I was too shy to talk to her until the week before I left, and decided to chase after Caro, whom I had a feeling was unattainable since I first developed a small attraction to her back in February. So I guess I really screwed up there. But at the same time, I’m glad I didn’t start any relationships because I’ll need all the time and devotion I have to studies and not someone else. 

Sigh… I sometimes hate prioritizing things correctly.