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Sisyphus' Revolt

Wed, 17 Dec 2025 03:23:00 GMT

"To live with the absurd is to accept that life has no ultimate meaning —
and still live fully, love fiercely, act ethically, and create passionately."

Note: This piece is provisional. It reflects raw thoughts from ym reading awhile back, and fragments from a podcast I listened to while recovering from the hospital bed. There are some ideas I intend to revisit after re-reading The Myth of Sisyphus and discussing it with a friend: Matthias Simone Canenella (or Matthew Simon Tan Castaneda).

Anyone with an ombré of seemingly self-regarding IQ eventually runs into Camus. Some of us meet him early, maybe in our teenage years, in that awkward, edgy phase where big dreams collide with pragmatic reality. We become a confusing blend of idealist and realist, hoping to reconcile ambition with limits. Reading Camus then feels respectable. It signals depth (or misinterpretation). A desire for something more. Or perhaps something hidden. Meaning, destiny, coherence.

And when we’re older, many of us return. This time with sharper eyes, heavier experiences, maybe detouring through existentialism, nihilism, or adjacent philosophies along the way.

Except Camus refuses meaning.

Not just shallow meaning, but all deeper, ultimate meaning. He places it in the realm of the unknowable and refuses to let life’s task be the pursuit of it. Why? Because despite all our efforts, the universe offers nothing in return. It remains silent, indifferent, and vast.

But Camus did not despair. And we shouldn’t either. Absurdism isn’t about hopelessness or resignation. For Camus, the clash between our longing for clarity and the universe’s indifference is not an ending. It is a beginning.

What is the Absurd?

You may not have read about it, but i’m certain you have felt it. The absurd does not announce its arrival. It strikes without warning, not something you study, but as something you feel. When suffering arrives without reason. When death intrudes without permission. When life simply fails to answer.

I once took a philosophy module where the prof joked that history is full of sad thinkers. He said the most depressed of them all, perhaps, was the French journalist Albert Camus.
Strange. Why? He had everything. Looks, fame, talent, lovers. What went wrong? Was he bored?

But the absurd is not simply boredom. It is the moment when routines of life suddenly feel hollow as if it might collapse at any time. It could be any day, really, you wake up as usual, ride the same train, exchange the same pleasantries, but suddenly wonder why you’re doing all this.

Camus calls this moment a “weariness tinged with amazement”. The machinery of habit grinds to a halt.

We humans need purpose, coherence, and meaning. But the universe does not. It simply offers the brute facts of existence — mountains, streams, stars, heat, silence.

And it is in this disparity, between our hunger for meaning and the world’s indifference, that the absurd is born.

So then, what's the point of it all?

Camus did not set out to answer this question with metaphysics or illusion. He confronted it directly, without flinching, without appeal to higher power or convenient covers. What matters is not what the world refuses to give us, but what we choose to do in the face of that refusal.

This is not defeat. This is a rebellion.

Revolt Without Illusion

Camus avoids the two familiar consolations. He does not retreat into religion with its promise of eternal design, nor embrace nihilism which strips the world of all value.

To Camus, living with the absurd is to face reality as it is, and still say yes. But do not confuse this with optimism. It is simply honesty.

At the centre of this philosophy, stands Sisyphus, the mythical king condemned by the Gods to push a boulder up a mountain, only for it to roll back down, for enternity. It is meaningless, cruel, unbearable.

But then, Camus asks us to imagine the descent. What if, in those moments walking back down the slope, Sisyphus becomes conscious? What if he sees the absurdity of his own fate yet chooses it anyway?
Then, Camus says, he is stronger than the Gods.

His rebellion lies not in changing his condition, but in refusing to let it break his spirit. He becomes free, not by escaping the rock, but by seeing clearly, and willingly continue. This is Camus’ Prototype of the Absurd Hero. One who doesn’t conquer death or uncovers hidden meaning but walks straight into the void and keeps walking.

Joy here, is not born out of illusion but out of defiance. Each day he faces the same futile task, and still finds it within himself to say yes.

Not Existentialism

Existentialism seeks to create meaning. It presents itself as elegant, refined, self-empowering even, but to Camus, it remains an illusory escape. Briefly, below is what I’ve gathered from Camus’ critique of the major schools of thought:

“Existence precedes essence,” Sartre writes. We invent ourselves through action. But the universe remains indifferent. Our invented meanings simply replace one illusion with another, and are just as fragile and will dissolve with us.

Søren Kierkegaard, the father of Christian Existentialism, a man so tormented by the unknown he saw clearly the despair that reason alone cannot explain. But his solution was the leap of faith, a surrender to the unknowable. We ought to respect the honesty of his anguish, as does Albert Camus, but Camus refuses the leap. To abandon reason the very moment it reaches its limit is philosophical betrayal. Suicide of the mind.

Nietzsche burns brighter. But even that prophet of fire and will offers no respite. He demands value-creation in a godless world. But the Nietzschean will risks turning revolt into domination, and freedom into force. Indeed, while he never advocated cruelty, it didn’t stop the Nazis from twisting and distorting his concept of the Übermensch from its original meaning of self-overcoming to justify Aryan supremacy and extermination.

Camus wants none of this. He wants honesty.

What Camus Wants of Us

Not belief, but revolt.
Not certainty, but clarity.

Accept life without redemption or justification. And still say yes. Not because it is noble, but because it is honest. To lie, even for comfort, is to lose the absurd.

Camus does not ask us to leap into meaning. Others do. Some leap into faith, surrendering reason at the moment it becomes unbearable. Others invent meaning through action or self-definition, hoping creation will soften indifference. Even nihilism is a kind of leap, an escape into negation.

Camus refuses all of them. He stands still, watches the horizon, stares into the waves, and does not blink. Not because he expects an answer to rise, but because looking away and avoiding it would be a form of betrayal. And in that refusal, he finds freedom.

His absurd portraits in the The Myth of Sisyphus — Don Juan, the Actor, the Conqueror — are not ideals to imitate, but attitudes toward existence.

Don Juan says yes to love as something to be lived rather than promised. He loves intensely and repeatedly, each passion is an end in itself, without pretending it leads to anything lasting, even though it often leaves others hurt.

The Actor says yes to creation. He lives many lives on stage, fully aware that each one disappears the moment the performance ends, and creates anyway. He knows they are all masks but what matters is intensity, not eternity. He burns bright, but not long, for that moment of applause.

The Conqueror says yes to action in a world that offers no guarantees. He chooses to act rather than wait for meaning, even when that decisiveness turns harsh or ruthless. He knows history has no final justice and his victories will vanish, but he acts anyway because paralysis is another form of surrender.

None of them hope for salvation. None seek consolation. They are not deceived by the dream of Heaven nor the abyss of Nihilism. But they do not surrender either. They say yes to experience, not because it is pure or eternal, but because it is there, and possibly all that there is.

A Note on The Stranger

This is a different book, but it completes Camus’ exploration of the absurd and what it means to live honestly within it. I like The Stranger because it is, at its core, a book about honesty. One musn’t delulu oneself.

Meursault, the main character, is an ordinary man who reacts to life without the emotions society expects of him. When his mother dies, he feels no visible grief. He does not cry. He does not perform mourning. Later, he kills a man, not out of hatred or malice, but in a moment shaped by heat, sun, exhaustion, and circumstance rather than intent.

He is eventually put on trial for murder, but it becomes clear that he is condemned not so much for the act itself. What then is Meursault’s true crime?
Honesty.

Camus makes this uncomfortable on purpose.

Meursault does not lie about what he feels. He does not pretend to experience emotions he does not have. And this, more than the killing itself, becomes his true crime.

At trial, he is judged less for taking a life than for failing to grieve properly, for not fitting the emotional script society demands. His honesty is read as coldness. His clarity, as monstrosity.

Eventually, Meursault accepts his condition. He realises the world has never promised him meaning, but it has offered him the sun, the sea, the physical immediacy of existence. And perhaps that is enough.

This is an extreme case, of course. Most of us are spared such tests since we feel empathy, guilt, sorrow. But Camus forces the question anyway:
If you do not feel what is expected of you, should you fake it? Conform? Perform grief or remorse simply because it is required?

And if you refuse, what is your real crime? Failing to act the way others want you to?

Closing

Camus’ figures are easy to dismiss. The seducer. The tyrant. The murderer.

But beneath them lies lucidity. A refusal to flinch. Can we condemn them? Maybe. Dostoevsky certainly would. He warned us about the dangers of stripping belief bare, of over-rationalization, of how intricate reasoning can easily be used to justify moral descent.

But Camus is asking something simpler, and arguably harder.

See the world as it is.
Refuse illusion.
And still say yes.

Hospitalised

Mon, 01 Dec 2025 03:23:00 GMT

Life works in mysterious ways. It seems to know how to tailor its challenges, delivered at precisely the wrong time, to precisely the right people. Enough to shake us. Rarely enough to break us.

Lately, many of my friends have been dealing with their own quiet crises. One is navigating the jilted loss of a love. Another is locked in a bitter standoff with his father, who has threatened to withdraw all support. One lost a month-long, painstakingly prepared bundle of gifts for his beloved studying abroad to a thief. Another was hurt, wrongly and unjustifiably, by a careless friend of mine, who somehow still found it in him to fervently pursue yet another girl quite immediately after, who also happened to be a close friend.

Tricky times. And yet, none of it seemed like it would ever reach me. I had stability: did well academically, offers lined up, relationships intact. And i’d say I had a fairly strong grip on my own emotions and convictions too. I felt insulated. Unfazed.

That is, until life (or God, if you don’t mind) decided to take my health away.

So, What Happened?

Kidney complications. Developed suddenly. The diagnosis the doctors gave was vague. They called it idiopathic, a fancy term that’s short for “We don’t know what’s up either.”

From what I’ve gathered, my immune system was simply over-active, deciding to attack both my kidneys.

Talk about being blessed.
Too blessed.

The Possible Trigger..?

On 1st November, I re-visited Surrey Hills Grocer (ION). The best thing on the menu, in my opinion, was a ridiculously overpriced ($19) truffle fries, which says a lot if fries are your strongest selling point. There were some interesting dishes, but nothing tasty enough to overpower the taste of financial regret.

The ambience though, was good – very suitable for dates — if not for the tables being so tightly packed that I could hear every awkward attempt at flirting from the couple next to us on what is clearly their first date. The choice of topics the guy chose was certainly unconventional but entertaining — for example, convincing her that gambling in Macau is normal, fun, even a must-do. Jessica agreed, though that didn't stop her from kicking me under the table every time I giggled.

The only thing I ordered differently was a prawn risotto. We ordered generously, typical of my gluttonous self, and I devoured most of it. What followed were hours of bloating, nothing unusual for someone enslaved to his own tongue. Aside from some fatigue, the night passed peacefully.

The bloating didn't subside the next day. But I chalked it to a combination of stress, lack of exercise, and disgusting amount of food in one sitting. So, I decided to run a half marathon. Best timing yet: 5:10 pace for 21km on a damned treadmill (yes, a treadmill so I could watch a lecture, ironically titled Death, Suffering, and Illness).

The Symptoms

The symptoms unfolded quietly over the week. It began with my legs looking slightly swollen. I thought little of it, figuring it was just due to running hard the previous day (see above dropdown). Dead wrong.

I lost my appetite on Monday. Food poisoning, maybe, except there wasn’t the diarrhoea I was expecting, just one minor episode. I found myself sticking to soup and porridge.

By Tuesday, the swelling had worsened. Walking became much harder. Still, I thought I could tough it out.

By Wednesday, I figured I should probably exercise. I felt heavy. Bloated and fat even. I blamed excess calories from the past few days. Climbing helped a little, but in hindsight it was probably due to adrenaline. A friend commented that my feet looked ridiculously swollen, and indeed, I couldn’t fit into my climbing shoes without forcing them on. The signs should have been obvious. I was struggling on climbs that had previously come easily. Little did I know I was crimping far above my body weight.

What finally made me reconsider was puking even water i drank after the climb that same night.

The doctor at USC (campus healthcare centre) thought it was likely food poisoning with some water retention and prescribed medication. ChatGPT also gave a similar diagnosis before this. Reassured, I went home expecting to feel better the next day. I did not. It worsened.

Friday, I was plagued with headaches, more bloating, and increasing immobility. Still, I dragged myself to school to catch up on work. NUH was nearby and if anything, I could always drop by for a second opinion.

After some persuasion from the same friend, I finally went to A&E. Initial assessments were dismissive. Food poisoning, as suspected. But as I waited, I began to feel increasingly unwell, gagging uncontrollably until only gastric acid came up.

A Very Interesting Man..

This friend of mine is what you might call paranoid. Overly so. He’s the kind who scares himself by seeking out everything that could possibly go wrong with flying. Same with boats.

He once checked himself into the hospital for a prostate exam based on what appeared to be faintest hint of symptoms, and spent half a day, during peak exam period, analysing his own stool. He took multiple photos, studied their shapes across a distribution, extracted RGB values, and compared them against references on the Bristol stool chart. Some effort.

He had also spent enough time reading in different medical rabbit holes to offer me a partial diagnosis, and seemed to understand what the doctors were discussing about my kidneys better than I did.

Then again, he is a student of Mathematics, and I don't know many great mathematicians, or logicians (see Gödel), who aren't at least a little paranoid.

Before hospitalised when symptoms developed

After hospitalised when it persisted

The doctor finally came around to see me. It was interesting to watch a calm expression slowly give way to confusion and urgency. She shook her head and murmured that the symptoms didn’t add up. What followed was a rectal exam, an impromptu blood test, a urine test, and thirty minutes later, I was effectively under hospital arrest. They refused to let me leave and warded me immediately.
Seems serious.

The junior doctor had no idea what was going on but the blood results showed severe abnormalities. That’s when the senior doctors stepped in. But they were equally unsure. So began the race against time.

It was around then that I was escorted by the nurse to check my weight. A whopping 84kg. It was a confusing number. My first thought was that the scale was wrong. It had to be. I was 64kg a week ago.

Horrible Swelling

The swelling worsened over the next few days. It became a running joke, though perhaps one that stopped being funny rather quickly, that my swollen groin made even OnlyFans actors and porn ads seem modest. Amusing for a moment, but concerning shortly after.
"I am half the man you are" Chi Ying would repeat, to no end.

At one point, I couldn't walk for more than ten minutes without feeling exhaustion and my feet feeling like they were about to burst. I had to walk like a crab simply because walking normally wasn't physically possible. Prolonged walking or standing made things worse as gravity dragged the fluid downward.

Peeing was difficult too. I could not pee normally, nor even shit normally since I could not sit on the bowl properly, and i'd make a mess of myself every time I urinated. It was slightly sad to see how i've been reduced from the man I was just a week ago.

You would think lying down would help. In a way, it did, by redistributing the fluid. But it causes some of the internals in my body region to swell and hurt, and ill be forced to sit upright again. I don't think I slept more than three uninterrupted hours the past month. Can't be good for the brain..

Enter: The Kidney Specialists

The full blood results came back. And the numbers were in dangerous territory across the board. What was thought to be food poisoning turned out to be kidney damage. Now, things were serious.

Doctors rotated in and out, many, I realised on Saturday duty, came to check on this medical oddity. It was originally frustrating to watch the uncertainty persist, and I briefly considered transferring to Mount Elizabeth. Eventually, Prof Hoey (Head of the NUH Nephrology Department and Adjunct Professor at Yong Loo Lin School of Medicine) dropped by and for the first time, concrete instructions were given to the nurses and I finally heard some semblance of a plan.

The Silverlining

Not long after, I realised my own cousin is a kidney specialist at NUH, though she was on maternity leave at the time. I had always thought she worked in bone marrow.

Despite being away, she showed immediate concern and a sense of urgency I deeply appreciated. From home, she reviewed my results, offered a preliminary diagnosis, and stayed in close contact with her colleagues. She often knew much more about my own condition than I did.

She helped expedite several procedures and escalated my case to her seniors. Soon, I found myself under the care of senior nephrologists, some of whom were her own mentors, and I was assured they are the best kidney doctors in Singapore.

The Scare

They had no idea what was wrong. But they knew something was amiss. So, they drew so much blood I could’ve started a blood bank, brute-forcing every test they could. I was on a strict diet restriction and all input-output had to be tracked. Peeing into a tube with a massively swollen groin proved frustrating. Very frustrating.

Early on, the possibility of terminal illness was raised. That was scary. They couldn’t rule it out and told me to prepare for the worst. I didn’t tell anyone, it was too surreal and I wasn’t sure I understood its gravity.

Costs ceased to matter. Everything was expedited. Tests, scans, biopsies, and whatever they could schedule on the coming Monday. Some days, I could be signing a consent form hurriedly brought over and find myself in an operating room thirty minutes later.

The three long nights that followed left me pensive. Stripped of distraction, a lot suddenly felt inconsequential. I had time, maybe too much of it, to revisit the smaller things I’d neglected, postponed, or quietly assumed would always be there.

What Bed Arrest Means..

An interesting experience of what they meant by bed arrest. After a minor procedure, I woke up and shifted slightly. The bed alarm went off. Within seconds, three nurses appeared and pinned me down. lol.

What followed were weeks of hospitalisation, and likely months of recovery. The doctors eventually concluded its nephrotic syndrome, an umbrella diagnosis, but suspected that my immune system had turned on my kidneys. Strange.

The proposed fix was simple, but damaging. Suppress the immune system with high doses of steroids (not the muscle-building kind..) enough to break the body, though if prolonged, erodes the mind. Unfortunate. I’ve always valued the sanctity of the mind.

A picture a nurse took of me, but i don't recall when and why

It’s Not Too Bad

I like to think it’s my straightforward nature, and maybe a genuine effort to connect with people, whether that means speaking my mind or owning up to mistakes, that helps me keep good friends around. It was during this period that I realised how strong my support system really is, stitched together from different phases of life: decade-long friends from secondary school, my JC clique, a few from army, and several steadfast, weathered friendships from my current phase in university.

I enjoy their company. They brought me food, sat around for chats, and played games with me. My paranoid friend even tutored me on Mathematical Logic. Small things, but they mattered.

But I could feel it. The fatigue, the weariness, the moments of daze, and the the flesh weakening. Still, days passed better with people coming by and I felt more optimistic for a quick recovery. Maybe I could still make it for my month-long Japan backpacking trip. Maybe even the Standard Chartered Marathon in early December.
Stupidly optimistic.

An Attempt at Getting Mala..

This close friend of mine from secondary school is, at times, a bit of a klutz. But he visited me often. On one occassion, after days of strict dietary restrictions, i was desperate for some flavour back in my life. So when he asked I wanted,

I said: "Mala, dry, xiao la (small spice), with some meat."

Well, what he came with was: Tomato, soup-based, with no meat.

Frankly, I think his blur nature is sometimes just a front. He cares in his own way, but is shy and not one to be upfront about it.

Or Maybe Not..

Perhaps I spoke too soon.

At the start, I thought this whole phase would last a week at best. Then it became maybe several weeks. Soon, the doctors started mentioning months. Some numbers began to take shape, something along the lines of a full recovery in six to eight months. But the most recent one I heard, also the most unsettling one, is the possibility of a long-term dependence on steroids or equivalent drugs. I’m not entirely sure what that entails, but it suggests immune supression for a lifetime and surely, that can’t be healthy.

Maybe they knew this from the start and were withholding information to pace me. Man.

Side Effects of Steroids

The normal dose is 5mg. I take 12 pills day, which translates to 60mg. At that dosage, I'm vulnerable to a host of secondary issues, which is why I had to receive several vaccinations and preventive medications beforehand. The steroids also wreak havoc elsewhere — liver function, cholesterol levels, blood pressure, etc. So I take several other medications alongside it. This might also adversely affect cognitive abilities in the short-term.

How I wish these steroids were the kind used for muscle building instead.

The likely scenarios going forward as I continue the treatment:

Steroids work, kidneys heal, and the immune system behaves — Full remission (Ideal)
Steroids work, kidneys heal, but the immune system attacks again — Steroid dependency (uh..)
Steroids fail or stop working — in some cases, the body develops a resistance (Docs are keen to avoid this and we don’t discuss this yet)

Historically, option (1) is rather rare. But it’s still too early to conclude anything, and the data isn’t especially representative. Apparently, my condition doesn’t usually present itself in young adults.

Anyway, I’d heard enough too. After a day of moping or so I figured it’s about time I restore some semblance of normalcy, or adapt to the new normal. So I requested to be warded from home.

Then I fainted.

Ok.. slightly dramatic in wording. More accurately, during one of the routine medical visits (every 3-4 days), I started feeling nauseous and dizzy in the lift. Puked as soon as I got out, and my body started spasming. Likely the result of severe electrolyte and nutrient loss — I was urinating close to seven litres a day at its peak from the diuretics. I dropped to my knees and could not move. Fortunately, I was within hospital grounds and the nurses quickly came forward.

So here I am, had enough blood drawn to start a small bank and a vault of medication enough to start my own pharmacy. Hoping for a quiet, uneventful recovery over December.

Daily (morning) medicine. Excuse the fatty hands..

And more..

Seeds of Change (III) ?

I grow little of the food I eat, and of the little I do grow
I did not breed or perfect the seeds.

I do not make any of my own clothing.

I speak a language I did not invent or refine.

I did not discover the Mathematics I use.

I am protected by freedoms and laws I did not conceive
of or legislate, and do not enforce or adjudicate.

I am moved by music I did not create myself.

When I needed medical attention, I was helpless
to help myself survive.

I did not invent the transistor, the microprocessor,
object oriented programming, or most of the technoglogy
I work with.

I love and admire my species, living and the dead, and am
totally dependent on them for my life and well-being.

Sent from my Ipad

- a dying Steve Jobs, writing to himself

Awhile back I wrote about a post on my trip to the Himalayas. There, I talked about how it became a catalyst for many journeys that followed. And while I’d like to believe I was learning to enjoy life as it is, I can’t deny feeling haunted by the quiet pressure to chase credentials, careers, and high-paying jobs.

Fast-forward nearly two years. Things have changed. I’ve been fortunate enough to land reputable internships and receive several full-time offers — both in ML and Quant. I vacillated like a maiden unable to choose between suitors. On one hand, genuine interest, on the other, staggering cash. We like to think we’re above the latter. Sometimes we are. Sometimes quantity still triumphs. Or so I thought.

Now, it all feels strangely hollow. While hospitalised, I came across an email Steve Jobs sent to himself as he was nearing death. My current condition is far from as severe as his was, but I could sense the man’s anguish, and resonated with it. That despite all my effort and achievements in this world, I remained helpless when my body needed help the most. My past worries — job hunting, studies, and what-nots — seemed almost trivial.

The past year’s hustle is almost laughable in hindsight, only to end up, quite literally, hospitalised and unable to do anything at all or honor my commitments. Plans deferred to December. Promises made to loved ones. Mental notes of payback time. And once again, life intervened.

But perhaps the inner voice is clearer now.

I’ve also decided to revisit some old companions: Camus, Dostoevsky. Seasonal reading, if nothing else. Not that I can do much besides stay home for now. Who knows, maybe I’ll start writing about them too.

Clarity has been a sharpened knife lately. I’ve traded some boisterous energy for something quieter, more pensive. And maybe that isn’t so bad. What comes next will likely involve more reading, more intention, and a more deliberate way of living.

The doctors may say its idiopathic..

But deep in my heart of hearts.. I know this is the cause: Damned risotto..

Hong Kong: The City That Never Sleeps

Mon, 18 Nov 2024 03:23:00 GMT

Okay.. the description was admittedly dramatic. Just click-bait. Not all was bad, of course. But Hong Kong does remind me of an alternate Singapore — similar in so many ways but I am often reminded this isn’t home. And as a true blue Singaporean, naturally I would diss a little on my lovable sunny island, and by extension, its twin.

Skyline from Victoria Peak.

The Parallels, and the Cracks

You see many similarities between Hong Kong and Singapore. Both tiny city-states (debatable for HK..). Both densely packed. Both financial hubs. Late-night diners are a common sight for those on OT. People are always rushing — eating, driving, honking (same angsty drivers..), and generally moving with urgency.

Even the metro system feels familiar, right down to the colour schemes. And yet, every now and then, you’re reminded things aren’t quite the same. In Singapore, we have the MRT; here, it’s the MTR. Here, people speak Cantonese, and maybe it’s the dialect, but it often comes across more abrasive than Mandarin (or maybe Singlish softens our tone and makes us feel warmer).

Food prices are roughly similar, though portions here tend to be more generous. I’ve never received a full-moon slice of luncheon meat in Singapore, but that seems to be the norm here. In Singapore, we keep left when walking. Here, the default is the right.

I also noticed that Hong Kong feels like a more extreme version of Singapore’s inequality gap. Older areas like Kowloon, Sham Shui Po, Mong Kok have fuzzy streets littered with trash, cockroaches running amok, stalls and picnic mats propped up wherever space permits. Tight, messy, compact. Just really chaotic.

This stands in stark contrast to Hong Kong Island. Clean, immaculate, and almost surgical. Walking through Causeway Bay and Wan Chai, I couldn’t believe how pristine everything looked. It felt as though the city had quietly given up on its older parts and poured all its resources into the new.

And i’m not sure why but I sensed a certain dread in people’s eyes. Back in Singapore, there’s still an energy, you hear people complain, even if it’s just the loud minority on Reddit. Here, people seem quieter. Less inclined to talk, less inclined to complain (except when rushing you out during lunch hour). Just trudging along.

Life at Hong Kong

Work

I was glad to have landed an internship, an ML one, no less. A good learning opportunity. My accommodation was about an hour away from the office, which wasn’t ideal, but it did help me develop a reading habit.

Work itself was engaging. I gained experience with foundational ML tools like PyTorch and TensorFlow, got exposure to production environments, and worked on quantitative statistical modelling projects affiliated with HFT firms (though sadly, not paid HFT money). Still, compensation was very decent, despite being a research institute.

My direct supervisor was a lauded mathematics PhD. His projects, and by extension, mine, focused on statistical modelling for time series analysis (hence, the quant), as well as hologram-building via neural networks (the latter being his side project).

It was probably through him that I first noticed the jadedness of Hong Kong life. He was reserved. And a clear workaholic. He’d finish lunch in 15 minutes, spend 30 minutes playing Genshin Impact, then take a strict 45 minutes nap with his sleep headgear on. During which I was reminded under no circumstances should I disturb him. When did he leave the office? I have no idea. I never saw him leave before 7pm.

Play

In my free time, I either went bouldering, hiking, or visited landmarks around Hong Kong. Here are some shots from a hike to see the Big Buddha. You could take a bus and cable car up, but I opted for a six-hour hike to give the journey meaning, turning it into some sort of pilgrimage. The heat nearly killed me though.

I also visited Ocean Park’s Water World. The rides were fun. I even witnessed a lonely male walrus doing.. well.. what any lonely male does to gratify himself. (I wouldn’t believe what im insinuating either, had I not capture it on video.)

I wandered night streets too. Hong Kong’s nightlife is undeniably alive.

The Two Kinds of People You’ll Meet Here

My earlier depiction of Hong Kongers isn’t entirely fair, at least not to a certain group of young, ambitious people. As a financial hub, the city attracts aspiring financiers, lawyers, and twenty-year-olds brimming with bravado.

They speak with gusto. Big plans. Six-figure salaries. Seven-figure bonuses. The prototype of a stereotypical romantic hustler. You hear endless yappery about optimisation, wanting furious pace, intense growth, and the same “work hard, play hard” narrative, often used to justify wild nights and heavy drinking sessions across Hong Kong night clubs.

The thrill of life has to match the intensity of their work or passion, they’d say.
tsk.

Give it a few years. Then speak to the survivors.

They are successful, but jaded. Sunken eyes in their early thirties. Vast wealth accumulated, so much that trivialities no longer matter. They eat without looking at prices, spend without batting an eyelid. After all, they can well afford it, so why stress over balancing desires and costs?
And yet, when you speak to them, something clearly went awry.

I met a lawyer in her late 30s/early 40s. She’s partner now but it came at a cost. She told me she came to Hong Kong originally for exposure, intending to stay only for a year before returning to Singapore, settling down and starting a family. Years passed and some plans dissolved. Before she realised it, a decade had gone by. Now, she remains single and doesn’t know what else to do but continue. And soon, she’ll have spent more time in Hong Kong than she lived in Singapore. How does she feel about all these? She doesn’t know either.

I met a jaded quant at the bouldering gym. Early 30s and currently working at one of the big names HFT. Strangely, i’d always see him at the gym, no matter what erratic timing I chose to visit. One would think he’d be busy tracking the market or have better things to do on rest days. When I asked why he visits so often, he said that sometimes he doesn’t know where else to go. So he heads to the gym, not always to climb, but also to meet people and chat. That helps to kill time.

And then a fellow SWE working remotely. He told me he has a girlfriend back in Canada whom he had met during University days. They’ve been long-distance for awhile and he hasn’t seen her in a year. “Why not visit?” I asked. His response was peculiar.. “Yeah I would if I were happier I guess. I don’t know.”.

“I don’t know” seems to be a common appendix to many conversations here. A quiet sign of being lost.

Friends That Made Life Less Jaded

Most of the interns fell into the first group. We are a young bunch of ambitious 20s. Many were from from fancy western ivy league schools too with high aspirations. There was some bragging, some one-upping. Still, not unwelcomed, they balanced out the pessimism.

Anyway, being young in Hong Kong, with stressful days, bustling night life and a chance to don fancy apparels, someone was sure to propose drinks and bars. I figured I should get the full expeirence and tagged along for some.

Yeah I was reminded that clubs are best entered slightly tipsy. The loud music, flashing lights, weird dance-offs, and sudden pukings, make the sober feel really out of place.

Dumb and Dumber

One of my biggest takeaways was a fateful encounter with Ed and Kevin.

I first met Kevin at a bouldering gym called Mizu, and he later intorudced me to Ed. Kevin had just returned from an outdoor crag and was cooling down on the MoonBoard. Having never tried moonboard before, i asked for advice. He was friendly, and we became quick friends. He even invited me to join him outdoors, which I really appreciated.

Then there’s Ed. This man is an absolute clown, and his unnecessary commentary about everything always gets us. Fun fact: he is a teacher too.

It was always enjoyable to hang out with them. We would climb hard, ate heavy meals, solve interesting puzzles, or just chill at the gym watching the Olympics. Kevin even made ice cream for those who stayed to watch the games!

Home-made matcha ice cream. Excellent.

Getting Out.

Ok but the jadedness was starting to creep in. Maybe it was listening too much of Beyond’s 海闊天空 or Lowell Lo’s 一生所愛 but the existential thoughts came.

All the stories, the contrast between youthful hustle and quiet cynicism, and jaded vibes reminded me of Will Emerson from Margin Call (an excellent movie by the way). Will Emerson was the Head of Trading at the bank, an intense trader bagging home a million dollar in bonuses and would spend it all on cocaine and hookers. He is clearly highly intelligent, highly aware, and highly critical.

But these people reject beliefs and tear meaning down, and for awhile it works. They become critics of everything — religion, morality, love, family — until they are alone in a desert of their own making, proud of the emptiness, calling it clarity. Their logic is airtight, convincing, but it leaves them no reason to hope. Then they wonder why they feel like ghosts in their own skin.

“A slow erosion masked by eloquence, intelligence, insight. One day they are dissecting morality, the next, they are rationalizing cruelty. And by the end, they are nothing but clever corpses playing with words.. The smarter they are, the more intricate the justification.” — Excerpt from Dostoevsky

Anyway, I had the option to extend my stay till the end of the year or go back home and take a pay cut. I chose the latter. That decision would later become the origin of my ML full-stack journey.

I’ll return to Hong Kong some day to visit the boys. But before leaving, one last climb.

Norway ain't no way!

Mon, 01 Jul 2024 03:23:00 GMT

No way ain’t Norway.

The North

Norway is the furthest north i’ve ever been. The month-long back packing trip in Norway was split into two parts: first two weeks with friends from my ACJC days, and the next two, a solo trip making my way from Tromsø back down to Oslo. I’ll keep this post short. It’s part of a series of trips that grew from the seeds. But Norway was at least special enough to pause and write about.

Meeting the Boys

First, i had to link up with the others. They flew a few days earlier to spend some time in Germany while I chose to fly direct to Oslo on Christmas Eve. It turned out to be cheaper, probably because far fewer people were travelling. It was a quiet, pleasant ride.

Syed, Myself, Aaron, Andrew, Rama

We went about trying different street food.

Norway has no shortage of fjords, trains, frozen seas, and pretty skylines.

Here’s one of us chasing the views.

I like the architectural style in Norway. From afar, everything looks composed and tranquil, lights glowing softly in the snow. Up close, the houses feel more personal, cozier and friendlier.

What We Did

We mostly wandered around, visited museums, went skiing and sledding, took whale-watching rides and see the fjords, enjoyed bonfires, and chased the lights. Pretty typical tourist things, but no less enjoyable.

On board

Readying to skii

Here’s Syed warming himself up.. but caught in a rather incriminating pose.

We Feasted

Oh we did not hold back on food. We enjoyed both cheap and fancy options throughout our stay.
Below were some of the fancier ones.

Pricey.. oh but,

this is it, man!

Games and Chill

Some days we decided to just chill at our Airbnb. Interestingly, the owner was a man named Miguel originally from Africa. He fits, almost too well, the image of a mysterious man with a past. A well-built figure with scars and tattoos. Seeing him don an apron and vacuum the floor somehow better completed the picture.

Coincidentally, we spotted him dining at at a Chinese restaurant. The owner mentioned Miguel was a regular that comes weekly with a young Chinese kid. Even more interesting..

Chinese food in Tromso?

Yeah, wasn't the best. 30 SGD for what should be 5 SGD fried rice back in Singapore. The rice itself wasn't bad, just wildly over-priced. But I guess they charged a premium because it is considered exotic in Norway.

One tip: you might want to let the staff know you’re Asian, if they can’t already tell. I learned that they actually tune the spice and seasoning levels to better suit European tastebuds.

Anyway, when we aren’t out, we’d be relaxing in our lodge cooking and playing board games. Made ourselves a Charcuterie Board too, with Norway’s signature cheese, Brunost.

A Solo Trip Down South

Two weeks went by quickly. It was time to embark on the next phase.

I sailed the Arctic Sea to Svolvær, in Lofoten. A quiet, serene town. Rows of fishing houses, dramatic mountains, and the best mushroom risotto I’ve ever had.

Some mornings, I’d wake up, and sigh to myself:

This is it, man.

The view right outside my lodge.

I visited an ice bar on my first day at Lofoten. Had a few drinks and chatted with locals. Managed to find my accommodation for the night, recommended by the bartender.
It was a cozy house with a sweet old lady who had been hosting backpackers for years. Her bathroom walls were filled with messages from travellers all over the world. I left a small note too, a mark from Singapore.

Here’s Turbo, her cat.

I took the train further south to Bodø, then Trondheim and spent my days wandering aimlessly. I also noticed Norwegians seem to have a fondness for unusual poses and sculptures..

Brief Reflection

There was plenty of time for solitary reflection. Travelling alone offers a kind of experience I think everyone should try at least once. It creates space for self-exploration, and nudges you to engage more openly with the locals or fellow travellers. You meet like-minded people with stories to tell. Some light, some heavy. You talk and drink, laugh and then bid the goodnight, fully aware you’ll likely never meet again. Slightly melodramatic.

Another backpacking stranger I met

But i’ve also realised we are social creatures. The trip was fun, adventurous, and had a kind of unencumbered poetic energy. By 4pm, the sky would be dark and the streets empty. Perhaps it was the short daylight hours or Norway’s quiet melancholy, but more than once, I found myself walking down a lonely winding street lit by a single lamp, and I couldn’t help but wonder:

Is this it..?

Krabi Once More: Old Friends, New Connections

Sat, 01 Jun 2024 03:23:00 GMT

Krabi has this annoying habit of leaving me nostalgic and a little bittersweet. The beaches are calm, the food is cheap, the backpacking vibe is alive and well, and Thai people somehow manage to be warm without trying too hard. It’s a quintessential backpacker’s place for youngsters like us who still think sleep debt is negotiable.

Last year, I got close to Rizhao (see this post). We shared plenty over that trip, and some of the things he said stuck with me longer than I expected. This year, it’s my turn to leave an impact. I’m bringing 34 fellow climbers, some of whom have never touched outdoor rocks, into the wild and hoping everyone comes back with all their skin intact.

This trip was the culmination of a year’s worth of effort. A product of my brainchild (Well, not exactly, see the dropdown below). Over the past year, I’ve barged through hurdles and regulations with ambitious, uncharted outdoor climbing plans for the school. We have run multiple successful trips to Batu Caves in Malaysia (see our pilot trip post) but Krabi was on a completely different scale. Those were uncertain times, and I’ll admit there were moments where the entire plan was held together not by backup options but by hustle and the kind of faith you only earn after it works. Not everyone was fully onboard, and coordination was difficult, and sometimes things looked bleak.

But here we are :)

The OGs

What we pulled off wasn’t a one-man job. If anything, it was me imposing on a number of people. These are the OGs who stuck with me throughout:
1. Wen Wu — Early on, we clashed. But once I had gotten his unwavering support, my goodness did we accelerate.

2. Chi Ying — The team player you'd want. He may voice apprehension but he follows through. I appreciate the trust he showed in me. Far too many times i've relied on him, and for that, I am grateful.

3. Na Wei — Getting her to understand what needs to be done is half the battle. Okay that might be harsh lol. But once she locks in, she delivers.

4. Joan — She is the only one that isn't from Mountaineering club but somehow found it in her to tolerate my last-minute demands since Day 1 as marketing lead. Mad.

5. Giovanni — This outdoor climbing initiative was technically his vision. But he swayed me into engineering the solution. A trusted advisor.

First Phase: Main Gang Climbs

New Friends & Old Friends

The past year brought new faces into the journey. A few became frequent climbing buddies. But everyone was excited for what was coming. It was surreal that it was finally happening.

Lance at the airport, picturesque as always

Day 1 was smooth enough. Plane. Land. Chartered bus. Villas. Food. Oh and already some parading and shameless flexing with a Thai diner auntie. The excitement and chatter that night brought little sleep.

We were overly specific with our choice of villas and we can thank Na Wei for scouting and camping for the best deals that met our annoyingly strict demands. After all, it matters. A good common area and decent amenities go a long way to ensure ample space to breed shenanigans, laughter, and simple fun.

Well, there was one slight hiccup..

This trip marked the end of my 1-year term as EXCO (leadership role) in both the Mountaineering and Climbing club. It's also It's also where I identified two prospective understudies, one from each club, to take over and continue collaboration.

Nyan (Mountaineering club) was also the logistics guy for the mountain of gear we were hauling. He underestimated the time needed to get to the airport and we nearly couldn't check-in our massive baggage. What a scare.

Somehow, we managed to convince airport staff to let it through. Partly because of flight delays, but mostly because of Nyan's shamelessness. He is a total clown, but somehow has this scrappy ability to deliver. Far too many incidents later, he earned the title of “weirdest host.” His humour is.. for the bros. Maybe not so much for the ladies.

Multi-pitching with Timothy, moments before diaster.. :')

but a story for another time.

Here’s Timothy, the understudy from Climbing Club. I’m grateful we met. And he’s the one who will ensure my efforts continue. He’s always been a good sport about everything. His optimism, genuineness, and willingness to emotionally invest in friendships are traits I value, and I keep such people close.

Day 1 and here's our first clown flexing with local Thai ladies.

Glad to also have familiar faces and fellow mountaineers join on the trip. Here’s Evie and Huzefa.

And then Huzefa sprained his ankle the next day.. while being belayed by Evie..

Fun memories.

Climbs

We are a huge gang, so we had no choice but to split ourselves. Overcrowding one crag is disrespectful to the locals and clustering creates fertile ground for conflict. Thankfully, I had Wen Wu and Timothy to bring the other half elsewhere. We rotated sites by the day. Here’s my gang at Northwall.

Northwall was filled with limestones. The morning sun filtering through the mist gave it a sort of raw, elemental beauty.

The plan was simple. Climb, order food and drinks, climb more, order more drinks (milkshakes were cheap and honestly lifesaving after an intense climb) before calling it a good day. Everyone was as vigilant as they were excited. I didn’t have to babysit much, and managed to clock 4-5 nice climbs every day. Nice.

Setting up routes for those who are top-roping.

Evie setting up too, captured from my angle.

Another shot. Gotta thank Joan for going around to take pictures.

Classic climbing drip.

Lots of route reading too.. and we still got stuck.

Chill Times

We packed up around 16:30 daily to give us ample time for bonding, dinner, and recharge. Every night followed a familiar enough template.

Some would account for gear. Some would clown.

Then we would wash-up for a wonderful dinner.

Chill and chit-chat.

Finally, head back for board games, or drinks, led by our own in-house alcoholic. I have literally not seen a day (or even a few hours) go by without Na Wei hugging some bottle. Truly impressive.

More Climbs

The next few days were rinse-and-repeat. The formula worked well. But it wouldn’t be Krabi without the beach, so we headed there to climb. Frankly, it was too hot and too crowded with tourists. But Railay is still a nice visit for anyone who hasn’t been before.

I was too occupied with climbs, or rather, securing routes to climb (the local guides took priority), so I didn’t take many pictures. Here’s some rock I thought was cool and Nyan hugging for his dear life.

Nyan barely left the ground lol.

Recovery Day..? Thanks Timothy!

After days of climbing, we wanted to have a relaxed day to let ourselves recover. Except it was anything but chill. It was a fun-filled day of activities, courtesy of Timothy, who anchored much of the planning.

We kickstarted the day with whitewater rafting:

Then an ATV tour, where someone somehow flew out of his vehicle..

Some shenanigans featuring 5 idiots:

Visited a national park where we ended up swimming in the river:

And we ended the day with my favourite restaurant Rizhao brought me the previous year, Ruenmai.

Somehow, we pulled off an accounting miracle (aggressive cost-cutting..) and treated the whole club to a free dinner! Nearly $1,000 SGD worth. I’m quite proud of this feat. I still keep the receipt for memory’s sake.

But all that still wasn’t enough fun for the boys:

Farewells

You might notice the pictures feature mostly the same people. That’s intentional. They are closer friends who I figured wouldn’t mind me writing about them and posting some unglams.

But here’s (mostly) everyone who joined the trip. Each has their own unglams taken, stories told, and memorable moments. These stories shall stay in Krabi, and in our memories.
Glad to have crossed paths with everyone.

And who can forget the committee that made it happen.

All good things must come to an end. Temporality is what gives them meaning.
For the main group, this was the end of the trip. But for a few lost souls yearning for one more encore, it was the start of a backpacking trip across Thailand, from Krabi to Bangkok.

Wen Wu — A Dear Friend That Came To Be

Before I share about our Thailand escapades, I want to dedicate a small section to a friendship that grew over the past year. We were from different mountaineering expeditions. I was in Summer and he was in Winter, right before mine. But our EXCO terms coincided, and we would find ourselves working increasingly more with each other.

This is Wen Wu.

"I wasn't sure where to put my limbs, so I defaulted to being lowered.."

And things were rough at the start. He ran for president and I backed out from core leadership to pursue this project instead, knowing it would distract me from routine work, and also buoyed by his promise of steadfast support.

But that support wasn’t always present. On one hand, he would say his support is unwavering, that he would assist as best as he could, yet on the other, he’d be the one objecting, poking holes, pointing out flaws, and refusing commitment. To me, it felt like betrayal. Pure frustration. The club president, paralysed by indecision and constant worries, very disappointingly displayed a marked lack of trust in me.

The tinder and wood were set, just needed some embers to light the flame. And it came.
I don’t remember the trigger, but what followed was a heated argument.

A much needed heartfelt, heated argument. But it is also why I find this friendship very much worth the effort. We are similar (save, perhaps the indecision part; i’d say i’m a bit more reckless..) We poke holes. We see flaws. We want to be honest and genuine. And we both have enough maturity to recognise when we’re wrong, even if stubborn souls like us aren’t exactly easy to convince.

After that, his support became real. Lots of late night discussion, balancing school, pushing this project forward, ungodly hours (1-2am) at USC boulder wall, and a stronger friendship than before.

And i’ll soon find out Krabi had more surpises for us.
Six of us were going backpacking, yet somehow under Aphrodite’s spell (on others or me.. it’s debatable), I ended up forced to be Wen Wu’s date for the next few days :)

Second Phase: Backpacking Thailand

This was mostly unplanned. Yeah we’re a bunch of improvisers when it comes to ourselves. But it mostly worked out. We’d explore in the day, then take night trains to the next city.

The Gang: Jing Wei, Na Wei, Evie, Wen Wu, Myself, Chi Ying

Most days, we had no idea what we would do. But that didn’t stop us from making the most out of it. And it certainly didn’t stop Na Wei and Jing Wei from drinking their way through Thailand.

One of the Thailand's many pretty white beaches that we visited

We also had no idea how we’d get to the next city, but somehow ended up in a pick-up truck that delivered us exactly where we needed to go.

Blasting music, blurry reflections, very Japanese retro — Plastic Love by Mariya Takeuchi vibes.
If you’re observant, you might notice the onset of couples forming.

Though of course, Wen Wu and I would be none the wiser until much later. Hindsight they said.

We visited several night markets too. Here is Na Wei being ambitious.

..before bailing, and Chi Ying had to clean-up.

Somewhere, sometime after a few night markets, I found myself increasingly spending time alone with one other person. Somehow, I’d go off to grab food for sharing, return, look left and right, only to find an untaken date.

Oh. He got his ears pierced too. That becomes funny later.

We visited several temples, and were lucky to witness an important ritual, though I don’t recall what it was.

The Reclining Buddha, I think.

And we have our own.

The Wen Wu Buddha.

He would lose his wallet that night and attribute to karma for posing.

The Missing Wallet

Turns out that cuckoo left his wallet in a Grab ride on the way to one of the night markets. While the others wandered off on dates through colorful stores, I spent a romantic evening with Wen Wu at the police station.

And witnessed his stages of grief: from the initial shock and panic of losing his wallet, to frustration and despair, finally culminating in a peculiar kind of resignation — that this happened because he had invoked karma by mimicking Buddha's pose from earlier on, even though he is the furthest thing from a theist that i know.

The silver lining, as I've come to noticed, was the Thai people. I’ve mentioned how kind they are. We've encountered countless small acts of generosity. Locals giving us directions, offering extra snacks, and just striking up friendly conversations as we wandered from place to place. This time round, when the Grab driver later realised the wallet was still in his car, he drove all the way back, an hour-long trip, just to return it. We tried to compensate him, but he refused.

The next few days were Catan, drinks, wandering, music, and laughter. Simple days. Oh but so enjoyable.
I still look back from time to time and smile at how carefree we were, as we move on with our lives.

Anyway, i’ll be heading Hong Kong for work soon, so I won’t be travelling as much.
Hope this has been a fun read. Till next time!

Seeds of Change (2)

Tue, 09 Jan 2024 03:23:00 GMT

“We cannot lower the mountains, therefore, we must elevate ourselves.”

Himalayas, Nepal

The 5-day extraordinary Krabi trip left me with a heavy heart. But there wasn’t any time to ruminate over parts of life just yet. We have undergone roughly 4 months of grueling training. Now, it’s time to scale the Himalayas, time to witness its ethereal beauty. The energy within the team was vibrantly infectious. And why wouldn’t it be?

Views were stunning. I’ll let the pictures speak.

The Hike Begins

We begun the track from Syabrubesi, a small village at an altitude of 2,380m above sea level. It serves as the starting point to Langtang Valley. It was a long, narrow, bumpy, really bumpy ride from Kathmandu. Occassionally i’ll open my eyes, look out to the window, and see how teasingly close we are to the edge of some spiraling road, down to a nausealy tempting valley.

Nepalese Car Horns Are Strangely Musical

I noticed the car horns had an interesting rhythm to them. Not the typical jarring blasts you hear in Singapore, nor, honestly, in most parts of the world. There's a reason for this. The roads are narrow, under-developed, and often exposed to sheer cliffs, with mirror aids almost non-existent. So what happens when you approach a bend or blind spot? Drivers use their horns to announce their presence. It’s a form of echolocation. And over time, I suppose the manufacturers decided that if everyone was going to be honking half the day, the horns might as well sound a little more melodic.

We celebrated our arrival at Syabrubesi after a long 10-hour bus ride with Bak Kwa, a Singaporean local delight made of sweet, smoky barbecued pork. Our guides and helpers were instantly hooked. We exchanged small gifts: they shared their local treats with us, and we offered them our club shirts in return. It was strangely heartwarming to see how much they appreciated something so simple — and even more so to hear that they still wear those shirts to this day while hosting other trekking groups.

Bak Kwa Did Not Come Easy

We brought a total of 4 kg of Bak Kwa to share, and man did it prove to be a lifesaver later on at high altitude. Heated Bak Kwa in the damning cold was simply bliss. Our Nepalese friends enjoyed it just as much. And for that, we have Davian — arguably the most resourceful of our bunch — to thank. But he went through great peril to acquire it.

The stash was split into 0.5 kg of packaged Bak Kwa and another 2.5 kg of fresh slices from a famous Malaysian chain. Davian is well known for two things: his bike and his willingness to cross the border into JB for side-hustles and food adventures. Right before the trip, he embarked on a covert mission to bring back as much Bak Kwa as humanly possible. The only issue, of course, was that pork imports into Malaysia are technically illegal. But that didn’t deter him from attempting to smuggle 3 kg of fresh meat across the causeway.

That fateful day, he got caught.

Funnily enough, the immigration officer checked only the front boot, where a measly 500g sat, and completely missed the remaining 2.5 kg hidden at the back. Davian has often insisted he is terrible at maintaining a poker face, and in his panic, he accidentally offered a Muslim officer pork. Fortunately, the officer found his panic hilarious, had a good laugh, and let him go.

And that is how close we were to losing our lovely haul of meat — hundreds of dollars’ worth.

Davian cooking Bak Kwa in an inn high up the mountains.

Porters..?

If you’ve noticed, I’ve been deliberately avoiding the term “porters.” I learned from one of the helpers that our Nepalese friends aren’t too fond of it. Perhaps some stigma from the past, the word seems to make them feel reduced or looked down upon. They much prefer the term “helpers,” which feels more respectful and collaborative. So if you ever find yourself hiring guides or support staff for your hikes in Nepal, do take care to address them properly!

Even though the journey had barely begun, Syabrubesi felt like a gentle prologue to the mountains. The air was sharper, fresher and the river carved through the villages with glass-like clarity.

Cheeky Boy

We spent the next few days steadily gaining altitude. The scenery was pretty, but after a while, the same pine trees and winding paths start to blur into one. Still, the quiet hours spent walking through nature gave plenty of room for solitary reflection.

The trail was also littered with poo. A lot of poo. I figured it was impossible to get lost: if you ever did, simply follow the poo. Not everyone breezed through the hike. At some point, my dear friend Sarah gave up trying to avoid the donkey droppings and began stepping straight into them.
Walking behind her made it even funnier.

We passed through many villages, and in one of them, I had an odd but memorable encounter with a friendly shop lady selling Nepalese snacks. One thing led to another, and somehow I ended up carrying her on my back and running about at the behest of my teammates.

Later, someone mentioned an old Nepalese bride-kidnapping tradition where the groom carries the bride and elopes. Trust your friends, they said.

Took some cool shots along the way too. This is Alina, our exchanger from Germany. She looks and is every bit the mountaineer.

It wasn’t long before we reached base camp. Weather was great, spirits were high, and breakfast remained amazing. You could tell how much care our guides had put into planning every detail for us.

Though it wouldn’t be long before we learned why Baden Powell Scout Peak is only climbed in the summer. And that Mother Nature flexes her muscle whenever she wants, regardless of season.

Baden Powell or Tserko Peak

NUS Mountaineering Club sends two batches of students to the Himalayas every year — the Summer and Winter teams. The Summer team typically heads for Baden Powell Scout Peak, famously first ascended by the founder of the Boy Scouts. The Winter team goes instead to a slightly less well-known peak in the south called Tserko Peak.

The reason for this is simple. It is suicidal to scale Baden Powell during the Winter.

Snowy Fields

The first snow hit, and it hit hard. Soon the ground was blanketed in a thick layer of white. The Summer team usually enjoys gentle weather and clear visibility during the day, but nights can be brutal with blizzards that sometimes bleed into the morning.

But for now, things were still smooth-sailing.

For now.

We woke each morning to a stunning view. Brushing your teeth while staring into a vast expanse of peaks was oddly calming. It makes you pensive, yet small. It’s like you’re staring at a world that is far older and wiser than you. It has endured long before we arrived, and will continue long after.

There wasn’t much entertainment besides the snow, so we made full use of it. Rolling in it, throwing snowballs at the guides and helpers, building the largest snowman we could manage, and occasionally rolling giant ice boulders just because we could. Simple fun.

Kimberly in her snowy habitat.

Here's a mini one Jing Xuan made herself.

Harsh Cold

Soon, it was time to head to the Advance Base Camp (ABC). And mother nature decided to hurl some blizzards our way. It got cold. And dark.

Then colder, and darker.

We had no time to rest upon reaching ABC. We were racing against the storm. The snow was far too thick to pitch tents, so we took out our pickaxes and began mining away the rocks and ice at 5,000m above sea level.

Below is a perfect depiction of most of us after setting up just the first tent.

Even Kimberly, the doe-eyed bubbly girl, had lost most of her shine.

We even had to pull out an emergency blanket for one of our teammates who shivered uncontrollably, and wrapped her up like the Dalai Lama. Scary.

We might however.. have done more harm than good.

It was only long after the trip that we realized we wrapped the emergency blanket the wrong way. The insulating layer was on the outside instead of inside. lol.

But hey, she's well and alive now so all's good!

Man, it was really, really cold. But it brought us together. Kenn is a warm bear indeed.

Training

Some days, we lucked out and the blizzard stopped before sunrise. The skies cleared, and we squeezed in whatever training we could before the next wave hit. The thickened snow and ice gave us opportunities we wouldn’t have had otherwise.

Here’s Calvin and Teng Chung building a pretty solid ice anchor.

Here’s me learning to ice climb with ice axes.

Though some of us were hanging onto dear life.

Lovely Team

This is probably one of my favourite pictures of the trip, just us wandering across the vast expanse.
Bonus if you can guess which one I am!

I should take this opportunity to briefly introduce my fellow mountaineers. These are friends that will probably (and I do hope) last a lifetime:

Aidan — A proficient climber and a fellow anime fan. We share some J-pop tastes, though overall I hope we could’ve been closer. It’s unfortunate he had to leave for the States so soon.
Alina — She loves the mountains and now regularly visits the Alps since returning to Switzerland for studies. We still text occasionally, and I always enjoy the stories and pictures she shares. If I ever visit the Alps, which I plan to, I’d love to have her as my guide.
Calvin — The “kid” of our bunch; our resident optimist. His alter-ego “Kevin” appears every night after 8:30pm sharp. By day he chats with anyone and everyone, by night the chatter turns into endearing babbling that leaves us confused half the time.
Davian — The gadgets guy. The resourceful one. The chill dude. He is known by many things. I always enjoy conversations with him. We talked about his side-hustles, experiments, gadgets geek talk, and how his ideal holiday involves lounging on a beach in a summer shirt.. which makes him question why on earth he’s shivering high up in the mountains with us.
Evie — She is perhaps the one i’m closest with in our Summer team. Not romantically, but we’ve been through a fair bit together. We somehow keep ending up in each other’s company. Probably because we live nearby. Along with Wen Wu (who also lives nearby), the three of us are forming an endearing friendship, despite our many differences, built on honesty and the willingness to call each other’s bullshit in delulu times.
Jing Xuan — Quiet and reserved, but always thoughtful and observant. She notices things most people miss, and I value her insights deeply. She has empathy and cares for others in the same gentle way Kenn and Sarah do, but in her own quieter fashion. I’ve learned she hides many things; I hope she’ll one day feel comfortable opening up and leaning on us too.
Kenn — My fellow buffet devourer. A glutton at heart but such enjoyable company. He’ll bring you to the best food places and and make sure everyone is taken care of. Despite his cheerful nature, he’s surprisingly reflective and some of our conversations ended up unexpectedly pensive.
Kimberly — The doe-eyed bubbly girl who reminds me of a younger sister. Cheeky, vibrant, cheerful and never hesitant to use her charms. I like how self-aware she is, and how she goes about rummaging through life with spirited ease. Though you might not want to be the subject of her gossiping!
Sarah — A kind, genuine, (lovably) nosy, and caring friend. She knows she can be clumsy and often ends up at the laughing end, but she’s always a good sport, often joining in the laughter. She may be shy, but she doesn’t hesitate to voice her thoughts when she feels something amiss. Sometimes she might tell me privately, perhaps hoping I’d say something on her behalf. I appreciate the trust.
Teng Chung — Someone I consider a good friend, and I truly hope the feeling is mutual. Though I can’t help but sense a barrier between us. We have our differences, and perhaps he doesn’t like my gut. More than once he’s rejected my hand, though maybe I was over-stepping boundaries. Regardless, I sincerely respect his drive, ambition, and discipline in Mountaineering.

When the skies cleared, the views were mesmerizing. The sun oozed golden light through the snowy arête, painting everything in a soft glow.

The Push

The fateful day finally arrived. The culmination of months of training. We started early, around 2 a.m. Snow boots on, wrapped like dumplings, we pushed forward through hail and biting wind.

Soon, the risk of crevices became our biggest threat, and so we roped-up. We were so high up above the clouds the sky was a deep navy blue. Hauntingly clear.

It wasn’t easy. The snow was thick and at times, we took one step up only to slide two steps back. Though i’m sure no one had it worse than Kenn.

Still, we were so close to the summit. And found it within ourselves to smile through it.

The Summit

It was strangely underwhelming. It was just.. a rock. But i’m not sure what I was expecting either. I guess some part of me, the part raised on Pokémon games, secretly hoped that reaching the summit would trigger a cutscene or maybe unlock something within.

But this is reality. Just a rock and a view that doesn’t seem too different from what I’d already seen on the way up. Still, no reason to sully the mood. A summit is a summit, and we were definitely going to take photos.

I recalled having to video Alina solve a Rubik’s cube so she could flex on her boyfriend (his timing apparently qualifies him for internationals!).

Also, the guides were so high-spirited (probably counting their blessings no one died) that it was infectious.

Descent

We crashed hard after the summit, a well-deserved rest. I never thought “lip-burnt” was a real condition, but apparently it is and every bite was excruciating. Salt hit my lips like betrayal. I also lost a couple of toenails and limped the entire way down the mountain. Otherwise, the descent was relatively uneventful.

One of the nights, we even ended up dancing with the guides, singing local songs, and just basking in the moment. I don’t have many photos from that night, but I do have several videos.
All chaotic, all wholesome.

I also made friends with a Nepali gem collector and had a great time bantering with him.
I think I avoided being overcharged, but Aidan who paid $25SGD for a rock definitely did not.

The trip ended with a farewell dinner at a nice restaurant. Well, as nice as anything can be after being 21 days away from the city. Courtesy of Mr. Tulsi, our lead guide.

Here’s my haul for the trip. And a warning.

My Toes

Somehow managed to smuggle back a Yak’s horn, which has since become NUS Mountaineering Club’s treasure.

Thoughts

The trip wasn’t without tense moments. A month in close proximity with anyone, much less a group, is enough to ruffle feathers.

There were factors beyond our control too. The day before reaching ABC, our guides warned us that the snow might be too thick to safely summit. They suggested turning back or attempting a different peak. Some of us were showing signs of weariness. Still, we held a vote. The tie-breaker fell to me.

We forged ahead, which explains why we ended up mining snow at 5,300m, but it was the first time I saw the disparity and fractures in our mountaineering spirit.

At night, in the quiet, I found myself wrestling with things i had shoved aside for months. What did I want in life? What was I optimizing for? Some mornings, staring at the peaks beyond — Shishapangma, Everest, Lhotse — I wondered if a nomadic life of adventure was what I wanted. But by evening, I was anxious about losing all I had built in the virtual world: skills, routine, momentum.

I worried about trivialities. I worried about not solving LeetCode problems. Not passing interviews. Not learning fast enough. Falling behind my nerdy friends. I wanted too many things, and we know those who chase 2 rabbits often end up with neither.

The thought of not letting go of work brought back other memories. I had been a wreck who stubbornly clung onto an old flame. I met the most amazing girl yet I did not hold her tightly enough in my pursuit of studies and work. Soon, I found myself partially obsessed with self-inflicted punishment as atonement and intentionally maintained my distance with any romantic prospects.

Maybe I needed to change, maybe mountaineering could shine the path forward.

Or was I just running away and refusing to admit my own inadequacies. How is it that I had done so much, prepared so thoroughly, yet still struggled to find an internship?
Madness.

Perhaps my deepest regret of the trip is taking it out on a close friend. I recall in the final inn before the push to the summit, we were gathered around the fire, and somehow the conversation drifted to Christianity. As someone who struggles with faith but has read more than the average, I was eager to share my stance. Perhaps a little too eager, pouncing like a predator that finally spotted prey. It wasn’t so much of a discussion as it was me layering argument over argument, cornering her. In hindsight, it was not in good faith. I did not enter that discussion with an open mind. I went in to inflate my ego, to feel victorious, and re-assure myself that I still had authority over something. Looking back, I did her wrong.

Fortunately, she had the heart to look past my moment of folly, and we remain close friends to this day.

New Adventures

The trip was inspiring, but it also left me brooding more deeply about life. Still, it did change one thing with certainty. It awakened a desire to travel far and wide, to explore both the world and the quieter corners within myself.

This jourey became the catalyst for many more backpacking trips and impulsive adventures in the months that followed. Each one sharpened my self-awareness, showing me what I feared, what I valued, what I wanted to run toward, and what I had been running from.

And perhaps, somewhere between the mountains, the cold, the seabed, the soft boat rides into the sunset, and all those random stretches of silence, I finally learned how to listen to myself a little better.

Somewhere in Norway.

Seeds of Change (1)

Sun, 07 Jan 2024 03:23:00 GMT

I’m travelling around Norway and currently on board sailing the arctic sea. This journey has been nothing short of marvelous — food, people, sights, all in equal measure. But these experiences deserve their own detailed recounting another time. Today’s piece is about a memorable trip that left me yearning for more, the catalyst for many adventures in the Nordic regions and beyond.

Krabi, Thailand

An Impromptu Dive Trip

It was around early March when during one of the training sessions, the club’s president, Ryan Jansen, asked me if I would like to join him in exploring Krabi’s dive sites. He’s an intriguing character to say the least. Somewhat of a ladies’ man, though opinions vary wildly depending on who you ask. If his charm doesn’t work, his lobster risotto will. Our mountaineering club tends to attract these sort of adventurous souls.
And i’m not much different — young and dumb, so why not?

The only hitch I anticipated was the tight schedule; I would be heading to Krabi just 2 days after exams and would be back just 2 days before my month-long trip in Nepal. Interestingly, I wasn’t alone in this mad rush, a fellow teammate set to join the Himalayan trip was just as spontaneously silly.

Wonderful Food

"Eh Andre, damn.. it looks good. Should I just have some Green Curry Crab? It's not a vegan dish though.."
"Eh Andre.."
"Eh Andre.."
"Actually, I realised, crabs aren't technically meat. They are kinda like insects of the sea y'know."

- Wang Rizhao

Food there was amazing and fairly affordable. Dishes like fried rice, Tom Yum were a constant presence at every dinner’s table. But my god, it was the Thai-fried omelettes that never fail to impress. That perfect blend of crispiness and tenderness was irresistible, and indeed, I ordered one after another. My love for eggs became a well-known fact among the restuarant staff at every meal.

I also recalled an interesting encounter with the waiters on one of the nights. We had travelled a long way and finally reached Ruen Mai restaurant (Strongly recommended if you’re nearby!). Famished, we quickly ordered a myriad of dishes and it wasn’t long before the table big enough for perhaps 8-9 but sitting the 5 of us, were fully filled. We overheard the staff giggling and one sheepishly questioned if we could finish.

Imagine the shock on their faces the second time they had to return with the menu 🙃

Not many pictures of food, so here’s one at a restaurant. Dinner on most nights was by the sea side.

Wonderful Friends

This journey was more than just about the thrills of diving and the delight of Thai cuisine. It was a trip where we discovered new facets of each other’s personalities, our outlook on life, and motivations to continue mountaineering.

Then there’s Rizhao, who went from being an ordinary acquaintance, to a close friend I occasionally seek advice from. He’s 1 year my senior, studying Computer Science as well, but with a world of experience. You can find him here (EDIT: It’s no longer up.. Read on to find out why!) where he detailed his very interesting life encounters.

We’ve had long, drawn-out conversations, particularly the night when Ko Lanta faced an island-wide power outage. He told me all sorts of stories, some he’s shared online, and others you’d think he’d keep to himself, especially not with someone whom he’d only just met. I really valued the trust he showed in me, and listened attentively to all he had to share.

A Look Into the Life of a Fascinating Youth

The Trailblazer

Young Rizhao in highschool showed signs of being a trailblazer, with a knack for innovation. And that meant he often found himself at odds with the school authorities.

Mama Shop

A convenience store or sundry shop in Singapore.

He launched his own mama shop, cleverly sourcing snacks in bulk from Malaysia at low prices and selling them to his fellow students at a profit. It didn’t take long for the school’s shop owners to realise something was amiss and reported it to the school authorities.

Bored, he wandered the school grounds and found an abandoned shed in a deserted corner. Over the next few weeks, he transformed it into a gaming room, outfitting it with a TV, PlayStations, and anything else he could obtain. It quickly got popular and just as quickly, got himself busted again. He didn’t seem to care much though (he claims); it seemed the thrill of building the shed was enough for him.

A romantic at heart, Rizhao would write poems and pursue love with fervor. It was delightfully medieval, though his efforts met with little success. He even tried to launch a company at the tender age of 16.

Truly an eccentric individual determined to live vibrantly.

The Rebel In Army

Next came the rebel in the army.

Never one to tread the conventional route, it was not surprising he would land himself into trouble in a place where regimentation and discipline takes precedence. Some of his stunts were.. pretty out there (nearly landing him in military prison 😮). He didn’t commit any heinous crimes of course; it’s just that he does not conform to authority well.

I suppose most of his penalties stemmed from standing up for what he believed was right. He is an idealist; and a highly capable one.
And they can be quite stubborn after all.

China

I should add his parents (at least one of them, can't quite recall) was originally from mainland China. So their family might have some relatives or connections there. Or not. Maybe he was just YOLO-ing, and honestly, I wouldn't be surprised in the least.

In one particular incident, with escape from the army never far from his mind, his series of ‘experiments’, as he dubbed them, unexpectedly landed him in Beijing. He brought nothing, except whatever little cash he had on him and his phone. But thought to himself that he would never return to Singapore. He wanted to start anew elsewhere.

With tears in his eyes, he informed his parents. His concerned father flew over immediately. He hugged his son and told him it’s fine if he wishes to leave permanently. That was much needed solace for Rizhao, and he broke into tears. His father intended to return the next day, and left some cash with Rizhao the night before. But when dawn broke, he managed to goad his son onto the flight back to Singapore.
It seems he understands how to deal with his troubled son well.

Many of us goody-2-shoes, law-abiding normies would label him as a madman, though might secretly harbour some feelings of admiration. Despite his unconventional approach, or maybe because of it, he gained newfound respect from his peers back in camp.

The Hustle Goes on

Fun Fact

He picked up coding and web dev as a tool to build the tuition agency!

Rizhao’s entrepreneurial drive didn’t wane; he picked up coding and launched his own ventures. He was the brains (and programmer!) behind Astar Tutors, and here’s a little-known fact: he recently co-founded Sotravel, a rising star in the social travel industry.

Amidst the hustle, he revealed he felt lost. Without a clear purpose and periodically found himself tearful at a nearby park bench. So, he turned to writing.

His early days of university were a time of intense grind. It was during the peak of Covid and he shared he had minimal social interaction (online as well). He would study from dawn till dusk, further honing his proficiency. But this wasn’t sustainable and he soon found himself yearning for more.
For what, he didn’t know.

Live, Love, Tears

Soon, he went for exchange abroad in Europe. He said it felt liberating, and for the first time in a while, he was excited about the future. And this was partly because of a girl. They were part of the same group on exchange.

They were close. Really close. He was head over heels for her. And she spent most of her waking hours with him. With less than two months left, he mustered the courage to pour his heart out. He handcrafted a variety of gifts - poems, cards, picture montages, and even flowers.
Yet, when the big day came, his feelings were unreciprocated.

He underwent a whirlpool of emotions. Felt lost yet again. And on the spur of the moment, he mailed most of his baggage back to Singapore, bought a flight ticket, and forsaked whatever travel arrangements he had with the others in the last month.

Having only the equivalent of 80SGD in his pocket, he wandered the heartlands of Europe, by foot and train, and occasionally working for accommodation — all while nursing a shattered heart.

How Was The Money Spent?

Travelling and living like a nomad. Still, that's barely enough.
Nearly half of which he blew on deep water solo (pretty much climbing up then jumping into the sea). But it was during or nearing winter and the water was too cold. So he bailed. lol.

So, how did he travel far and wide across Europe? I don't know too :P
But here's a fun fact: Some trains don't check for a boarding pass until you're on it and the train has set off. They'll kick you out at the next station of course.
But who's stopping you from boarding the next one? Now, i'm not saying he did it, just some trivia.

An Interesting Encounter

During his travels, he encountered two other broken souls on a bus (which, surprise surprise, he did not know headed where..). One was a young woman in her 20s who had once worked at a prestigious bank in the States but was now on a healing journey after a dreadful incident with a male superior. The other was an old man, either widowed or abandoned by his wife, I can't quite recall, who had broken bones from years of working as a saturation diver under the sea. Rizhao felt his grief paled in comparison to theirs, but the three of them bonded over their shared sense of loneliness and ended up sharing drinks at a bar.

I suppose you'll often find solace among fellow solo travelers. And I do enjoy similar fateful encounters in my own travels.

What a broken man. But what a lad.

At Peace, At Last

Fortunately, his story ends well. After returning from exchange, he landed himself at a reputable firm, committed further to climbing, eventually met a lovely girl — who has since become his fiancée, became a vegan (??), continued travelling around, and most importantly, he seems at peace now.

Oh, I suppose one thing that didn’t fare well was his GPA. Exchange abroad gave him a new perspective on life, and he felt school just wasn’t worth his time. So, he took on a full-time internship while juggling other commitments on top of school. His GPA plummeted from well within First-Class to the depths of oblivion.. but who cares? He landed his dream job anyway.

Andre: "Hey, how come you stopped writing about your encounters?"
Rizhao: "Oh.. there's no need to. I'm no longer sad."

Somewhere, Beyond the Sea

Rizhao’s life stories left me with a heavy heart. Already, the boat rides into the sunset, the breeze brushing face, the contemplative discussions, left me brooding over my own direction in life. As I looked out over the horizon on one of the many rides, a song I haven’t played in awhile re-surfaced in my mind. I had a hearty time singing with the boys.

Bobby Darin’s Beyond The Sea would go on and live rent-free on loop in my head for the next few months. In joyous times, I’d sing along with it; on most days, just a hum. It tided me through tougher times and brought back fond memories of my experiences in Krabi and Nepal.

Spotify informed I’ve replayed it 439 times since May. Proud fan.

Getting Ready

The 5-day trip was extraordinary, but as dusk set in, it was time to return. I came, slightly apprehensive, worried squeezing in this trip might be a mistake. Yet, I left with much to ponder. Though back then, I haven’t had the time to fully reflect on these experiences. So, I carried them to Nepal instead.

Nothing Fancy, Pay Attention

Sat, 09 Dec 2023 03:23:00 GMT

Edit: At the time of writing, Grant from 3Blue1Brown released a marvelous video offering a high-level intuition behind the transformer architecture.
His videos are without a doubt, top-notch. But if you're more inclined for a short read than watch, this piece might just be for you.

-insert scary transformer pic-

The Last Decade

Vanilla RNN

RNNs were introduced to address the limitations of traditional ANNs (the standard feed-forward NNs) when it comes to processing sequential data. They do this by introducing a recurrent connection through a hidden state that allows information to flow from one time-step to the next. TThe hidden state maintains some form of internal memory, where the output of each step is fed back as an input to the next step. You can ituitively see how this captures temporal dependency - information from previous steps can be utilized in the prediction of the current step.

Below is an illustration of a single RNN unit. You might notice the recursive nature of RNN. Indeed, this is how information from previous steps are passed down. Here is a RNN unrolled twice. You can think of this as performing prediction (y3) by using data from previous 2 time steps. The observant might find it strange that y1 and y2 isn't used in the prediction of the output. Indeed it isn't, but they still contribute to training through computation of loss.

There are some things worth emphasizing:

The number of unrolling of the RNN is a hyperparameter that typically depends on your data and task

Illustration suggests input is 1 dimensional. Naturally, you can have multiple dimensions in the input. But the weights become a matrix, similar to how they do in fully connected layer of an ANN

RNNs are inherently limited in their ability to capture long-term dependencies (unable to well-utilize inputs from several timesteps before). And you can kind of see why from the unrolling.
Imagine unrolling 49 times to predict y50. Earlier inputs like x1 still influence the output, albeit through many repeated multiplication with w2. The magnitude will be carried over to gradient computation, resulting in highly unstable training.

I've drawn the illustration to only include 1 hidden state. In practice, you will likely have multiple more hidden states connected sequentially, and to other hidden states across time steps.

Illustration below shows a multi-layer RNN architecture. Note that each hidden state can be influenced by other hidden states in the previous time step (even though the diagram doesn't seem to suggest it). So, we will have a weight matrix between hidden states. Which means the number of weights grows quadratically with the number of hidden states.

Image credit: d2l.ai

Rcurrent Neural Networks (RNNs) were among the first architectures to process sequential data. And until 2017, RNNs remained as the primary neural network architecture, with Long Short-Term Memory (LSTM) units and Gated Recurrent Units (GRUs) - which can be thought of as a simpler version of LSTMs - being the most prominent and effective variants. In the present, LSTMs are becoming increasing obsolete, particularly in many areas of Natural Language Processing (NLP).

Applications for LSTMs

Calling LSTMs 'obsolete' might be slightly too harsh. There remain use cases for LSTMs:

Resource Constraints: LSTMs are more suitable for environments with limited computational resources, such as mobile devices, where the heavy resource demands of Transformers may not be feasible.
Real-time Processing: Ideal for applications where data is processed in real-time, such as streaming data. Inference speed of large transformer models may not be up to par.
Small Data Scenarios: LSTMs can perform well in cases where the available training data is relatively small or moderate.
Specific Types of Sequential Tasks: LSTMs are often used in the domain of time-series forecasting. Though recent adoption of transformers prove far more promising.

Understanding the LSTM Unit

Understanding LSTM isn't the main focus of this piece. But below outlines my brief intuition behind the LSTM unit. Most of the illustration below are screenshots from StatQuest, because I think the diagrams are clear (totally not because I got lazy!).
In fact, what I am about to share might be a re-hash, but hey, at least this isn't a 20-minute long video :)

Perhaps the first realization to have is that LSTM is motivated by the issues of exploding/vanishing gradient problem in vanilla RNN. And the key novelty here is the introduction of two separate paths - long-term and short-term memory.

Long-term (represented by the green line): It can be modified by multiplication and summation but notice that there aren't any weights that can modify it. This is how LSTM mitigates the issue that plagued vanilla RNN - the lack of weights allow past inputs to flow through a series of unrolled units without causing the gradient to explode or vanish.
Short-term (represented by the pink line): Short-term memories are directly connected to weights and biases. You might wonder why are there multiple entry-points, and this is where the 3 Gates of LSTM come into play.

The 3 gates are introduced separately below, but they should be seen as components of a single LSTM unit. Each gate has its own set of weights and biases. However, similar to an RNN, unrolling the LSTM involves using the same set of weights and biases across all time steps.

The Forget Gate: This module determines the % of long-term memory to retain. It computes a weighted sum (e.g. with weights 2.7 and 1.63 in the diagram) of the short-term memory and input, then passes the result through a sigmoid activation. This is a common approach in ML for regulating information flow - using sigmoid whose output is constrained to be between 0 and 1 to control the proportion of information that is kept.

The Input Gate: This module computes the candidate for long-term memory and determines the proportion of this candidate to be added to the running long-term memory.
The computation for the candidate long-term value is simiarly based on a weighted sum (e.g. with weights 1.41 and 0.94), but the activation function used here is TanH.
How to determine the proportion of the candidate value? We do the exact same method of taking weighted sums and sigmoid activation as we had done before.

The Output Gate: This module generates the new short-term memory (aka hidden state in LSTM)
It first computes a candidate short-term memory (e.g. 0.99 in the diagram) by applying TanH activation to the long-term memory.
The proportion (e.g. also 0.99 in the diagram) of the candidate value to be used is computed similarly to the other gates. As a reminder, this process of determining the percentage of memory retention follows the same computational structure across all gates.

What we've discussed so far is just one LSTM unit. In practice, multiple LSTM units are chained together across time steps, similar to how multiple hidden states are used in an RNN.
Despite these gated mechanisms, LSTM can still suffer from vanishing (and exploding) gradient problem when dealing with very long sequences. Gradients can still diminished when passed through many layers of activation functions which constraints the output.

Do you see why LSTM is referred to a variant of RNN?
Essentially, if you replace the hidden state in the vanilla RNN with the LSTM unit (and maintain a running long-term memory), you get an LSTM model!

But there is merit for aspiring machine learners to study (or grasp the idea) the evolution of architectures starting from RNNs. Understanding their limitations sheds light on the inspiration behind the subsequent development. RNNs sought to retain past information to influence subsequent outputs, making them suited for sequential tasks such as time series prediction. They were simplistic in their design, which made them popular but also inadequate. RNNs suffer significantly from the exploding and vanishing gradient problems, which severely limit their ability to capture long-term dependencies (see RNN section).

Exploding Gradient

Exploding gradients occur when the gradients used to update the weights grow exponentially as they are propagated back through the network. This can lead to extremely large gradient values, causing numerical instability and resulting in the weights oscillating wildly (and possibly not converge).

Vanishing Gradient

On the other hand, vanishing gradients occur when the gradients shrink exponentially during backpropagation. This leads to very small gradient values, causing the updates to the weights to be insignificant. The result is that the network struggles to learn due to insignificant updates to its weights.

LSTMs came into the picture and the key innovation in LSTMs that helps manage gradient issues is their gated architecture, better regulating the flow of information through the network. However, in practice, LSTM units are still chained in succession, and will struggle with extremely long sequences. Processing data sequentially (each step must wait for the previous step to complete) inherently limits the parallelization within the training process. And because it is uni-direcitonal (information only flows one way), it is perhaps not suited in capturing nuances in natural language due to its limited ability in gathering context from both past and future simultaneously.

Thus, the advent of Transformers.

The Transformer

A Fundamental Appreciation

Before going any further, it would be greatly beneficial to have acquired an understanding of the vanilla (dense) neural networks. Appreciate that ultimately, neural networks comprise of just a bunch of weights and biases (a more convoluted linear regression). These are trainable parameters encapsulated in what is commonly referred to as a 'black box' - takes in some input and (hopefully) churn the desired output. The hope becomes tangible if the optimal values of weights of biases are found. And how these values are set, depends on the training process.

Of course, there are likely more transformations involved, such as activation functions to introduce non-linearity and batch normalization for stability. You can think of these as fancy accessories that can be swapped among various kinds (e.g. we have the ReLU, Sigmoid, Tanh activtiton functions). And I suppose it does make some sense why they are desired, after all, if all we do is to linearly apply weights and biases, the accumulation of all operations ultimately remains linear no matter how many layers of weights and biases.
What hope would we have that this could capture intricate relationships with no clear separation?

*-insert vanilla NN with activation fn-*

Watch this series by 3Blue1Brown on Deep Learning if you're foreign to all these! Episodes 1-3 offer an enlightening and intuitive perspective of Deep Learning. Episode 4 goes through the calculus behind Gradient Descent, the technique behind the training phase, and might be slightly heavy. If you're math-averse (though frankly, it's the notation that confuses people rather than the underlying concepts), feel free to skip it. The first 3 episodes should sufficiently and satisfyingly equip you with a solid grasp.

A short aside on the term 'black box'. Not entirely a big fan of the term though I empathise its common usage. Indeed, the wall of numbers in the layers of a neural network can seem intimidating, and we have no robust intuitive explanation why the input magically transforms into the output. But the key insight is to realise that with a suitable loss function, we can, with Gradient Descent, guide the model to tune its weights and biases based on how similar it is to the desired output. How do we know that Gradient Descent will correctly tune the weights?
Well, this is where Mathematics enter. We can, mathematically show that Gradient Descent always converges to some local minima. Some people may lament that a local minimum isn't the global minimum. But one should question, is the global minimum even desired..? Recall that optimizing the objective function (used in training) does not always translate to the lowest cost in actual production / testing. More often than not, there exists a 'good enough' range of values for the weights to achieve satisfactory performance on the actual cost function. So perhaps, the local minimum found might just fall within this good region, and in some cases, might actually perform better on actual live data than with the weights found from the global minimum.

*-insert objective fn vs cost fn-*

One last thing, most people confuse the relationship between Backpropagation and Gradient Descent. Gradient Descent leverages Backpropagation to efficiently compute derivatives (gradients) of the loss function with respect to each tunable weights in the network. Sure, you can opt for a different technique to compute gradients, but it likely won't be as efficient as Backpropagation (which only require 2 passes!).

The Transformer was introduced in the paper titled “Attention Is All You Need” by a team of researchers from Google Brain. This groundbreaking paper revolutionized the field of Natural Language Processing, giving rise to various Large Language Models (LLMs) with vast linguistic capabilities - powerful enough to convince some people that a dystopian era of sentient (lol..) robots is looming.

Our beloved ChatGPT too, leverages a variant of the original transformer architecture to answer at our beck and call, even silly questions.

Anyway, before we continue our exploration of the transformer architecture from bottom-up, i'd like to try to convince (if you aren't already) why it shouldn't be too surprising that an inanimate object can sound so much like a human:

The Gentlemen Bastards is one of my favourite medieval-fantasy series. It incorporated humour well in the midst of chaos and danger. The First Law is also another series I greatly enjoyed. The grim fantasy setting and pragmatic characters were something I found oddly amusing. I chuckled at the heroism that often shattered to pieces, but the book also made me genuinely question whether it would be worth living in such a grim world. The authors have a way with words, they brought the characters to life and got me real hooked. But it's not as if they had actually walked into my study, sat next to me, and read their work aloud with strong passion and intensity to convey every intended nuance. All I did was read a chunk of text.

And turns out, the 2017 paper has cracked the code behind human speech. We can train models to chain the right words, with the right punctuation, the appropriate pauses, and whatnot, altogether to emulate human speech.

Let’s explore how it does it :)

Word Embeddings

Machines generally only handle numeric input. So, words must first be converted to some numeric form. A vector of numbers is a natural choice. One common method used in the past is to represent words through one-hot encoding (OHE). Already, you can probably sense this isn’t a good choice. For one, the length of the vector has to be the size of your vocabulary, which clearly does not scale well.

Why?

Adding 1 more unique word to the vocabulary means adding 1 more dimension to the representation!

One-hot encoded vectors are extremely sparse (each word exists in its own dimension). And it doesn't quite capture semantic relationship between words that are 'closer' in meaning, for instance, male and female vs animal.

Thus, the need for word embeddings. Word embeddings are still vectors of numbers, but now, distance between the vectors matter. Think of these vectors as giving coordinates in some high dimensional space (albeit not as high as OHE) where words with similar meanings tend to be closer to each other in that space. This might sound very intuitive and almost trivial, but you might be surprised to learn that it wasn’t until the mid-2010s that word embeddings received widespread adoption.

The implication is that the model can now learn patterns or relationship among words apply it elsewhere. For instance, if the model learns the vector difference (helpful for visualisation, but god knows whether the model learns more fanciful operations instead) between the representations of Man and Woman, it could apply and learn King as to Queen.
As another example, consider Pasta as to Italy, and if I ask Ramen as to ??, you would most likely suggest Japan. This vector space representation is precisely what we desire to meaningfully capture the words.

How?

There are popular and powerful techniques such as Word2Vec and GloVe that can capture word embeddings very well. If you're mostly dealing with normal english (and probably other languages) vocabulary, existing pre-trained GloVe and Word2Vec models should already be highly effective. After all, we don't expect the English Dictionary to change too often.

If you're interested, Word2Vec employs a shallow neural network (SURPRISE SURPRISE..) architecture to learn word embeddings. GloVe obtained embeddings differently by calculating global co-occurrence matrix. Yes.. fancy terms, feel free to read up.

Positional Encodings

Tokenization

I’ve been casually assuming the model knows how to parse a sentence into individual words, and very naturally such that the individual ‘words’ align with the words in our english language vocabulary. This isn’t always the case. A more appropriate terminology would be ‘tokens’. A token could be a word or little pieces of words that are commonly used. This offers greater flexibility. For instance, the model might find it more helpful to have ‘-ing’ as a token rather than have to separately capture ‘eating’ and ‘playing’ on top of ‘eat’ and ‘play’.

In practice, we often use some popular tokenizer from a Library (e.g. NLTK) to parse the corpus of text. Embeddings are then computed from these tokens found. The collection of all tokens is your dictionary (aka vocabulary).

The Secret Sauce: Pay Attention!

Trusty-old Softmax

Heart of the Transformer: Self-Attention

Different Architectures

Encoder-Decoder

Encoder-Only

Decoder-Only

Heck, they are all the same!

Monthly Diaries Didn't Last.. Oops

Fri, 08 Dec 2023 03:23:00 GMT

I’m back

Vanished for a little while, but i’m glad Y3S1 is wrapping up. A much-needed winter break is ahead, though it’s packed with activities. I’m returning to the army for a week, then off to Batu caves with a new bunch. But the highlight of the holidays is a month-long long adventure in the Nordic lands (mostly Norway). Prep’s going to be tight.

Growth Spurt

2022: A Year of Expansion

2022 was a tough year, I ventured into new territories and hopped from one place to another. Some relationships faded, regrettable, but new ones were forged too. Though it wasn’t until a few months had gone by and high up in the Himalayas for me to lament the absence of old flames.

But the path of learning has been incredible. I’ve gained so much knowledge and skills, and it feels like i’m accelerating and gaining more momentum with each passing day.

2023: Intense and Defining but a Ridiculous Timetable

In many ways, 2023 was even tougher, but brought alongside more defining moments.

Frequent, intense trainings for my first ever mountaineering expedition in Nepal.

Software engineer by day and tragic mugger by night.

Balancing academic load with teaching duties.

Getting experience with research projects.

Diving into higher-level exciting ML modules - a sobering yet reassuring realization that I’m just skimming the surface of an immense field.

And then, the long nights of LeetCode and job preparation. Man, it felt like I absorbed more in the past 2-3 years of exponential progress than in the previous 20 years, a trajectory i’m eager to continue (at least, still keen on plunging head-first into treacherous waters).

Mixed Emotions in the Pursuit

Most days were fun but some nights were tougher than others.

The Grind

The later half of the year saw me doubling down on my efforts in the internship hunt. I would retreat to my comfy quarters, play some lo-fi or city pop and grind leetcode questions. There is something strangely soothing with tackling these problem-solving questions. I suppose its because they are closed questions, an unequivocal answer exists, and this brought a peculiar comfort amidst the chaos.

Competition has become so much more intense. It isn’t just sufficient to be all-round technically competent, now there’s a whole emphasis on behavioural fit, diversity inclusion imbued into the many rounds of interview. Securing a spot among hundreds of applicants for just a few measly positions was daunting.
How worrying.

It is not to say that my efforts didn’t yield any results. For one, my resume has caught more attention and I made it to several final rounds. Some of which are Quant firms that most CS majors would dream of. I figured I would eventually be filtered out (not quite yet ready to headbutt against our dear fellow IOI and IMO olympiad winners) but I wanted to see how far i’d get, and maybe scout a little for an all-out attempt in the near future.

I was pleasantly surprised to learn I made it to the last rounds, and with it, inevitably built up hope, and naturally, eventual disappointment. Still, this means i’d stand a fairly good chance at decent firms a tier down, right?
That’s assuring.

Dior sneaking up as I study

Relentless

Turns out, I was wrong, dead-ass wrong. Dozens more applications and a couple more interviews got me pretty much nowhere. I thought I at least performed well for some, given I was able to answer most of the technical questions. But I guess I might have fallen short in other aspects. That and there was probably plenty of equally qualified candidates with possibly more to offer. So there I was, with plenty of small Ws but no one single concrete W.
How frustrating.

I decided to expand my search globally. Since i’m facing troubles finding a local internship, might as well gun for overseas ones and take the opportunity to travel abroad. The thought excited me, travelling while working.

Finally, spreading my wings eh, heh.

So I began blasting out applications indiscriminately to anywhere and everywhere. I knew obtaining a work visa might be problematic but securing overseas internship isn’t unheard of and so I figured, surely it would eventually work out right? Just focus on the technicals and the path will reveal itself.
How naive.

Somewhere along the way, school started becoming a little trickier. I know I signed-up for this but damn, some days I would just walk into class, sit down and wonder:
??? what the heck are those symbols. And why is he making it sound so trivial..

Don’t get me wrong, Ming Yang is an excellent TA by the way. Aside from his thick accent, he’s highly committed and well-equipped with knowledge and mathematical prowess.

Then the writings got even stranger.

How distressing.

Fortunately, things got better and I gradually started to assimilate the content and derived great pleasure from understanding. ML rocks!

I soon found myself spending an excessive amount of time on my ML mods and less on other mods which on hindsight, probably isn’t the academically-wisest choice for pulling GPA up. That said, I picked up more than the average student (will be finishing up the blog on LLMs!) and my grades for these modules were stellar. The others, well, they aren’t bad, but probably could’ve done better.

My local internship hunt wasn’t going too well and it was nearing the end of the semester. Overseas hunt sent me on a wild goose chase. Remember the Visa issue mentioned? Well, yeah that kinda came back biting me in the ass. Turns out, securing a visa internship outside the states was more problematic that I had imagined. Process is convoluted and most firms (less the well-known ones) naturally wouldn’t know much about facilitating the visa process. TLDR, the ones that I had high hopes for, which coincidentally happened to be outside of the states, figured they can continue their lives fine without me.
More frustration.

Sometimes, the light at the end of a tunnel..

is an oncoming train.

Now, I am back at square one. It didn’t help, emotionally, seeing close friends secure offers. I’m sure they’ve put in the work; those offers are well‑deserved.
Still, can’t help but feel Envy creeping in.

More concerning, I started having doubts. Perhaps i’m doing it all wrong. Maybe I could have better focused my efforts on certain aspects. Maybe it was the way I carried myself. Maybe I failed to explain my thoughts with sufficient clarity. Maybe I just wasn’t a good fit for the company. Maybe I could’ve choked less.

Bunch of maybes, no idea where to start working on. But something has to change, and I will ponder more over the winter break.

Not All Was Bad

2023 was also a re-defining year. The seeds of change have been sowed. I travelled a lot more this year, some with friends, some alone. Two trips really stood out, during which I found myself becoming increasingly introspective. From plunging into the beautiful depths of the sea to scaling the majestic heights of the Himalayas, I’ve done a fair bit of living.
For the first time, I truly felt that there is so much more to life than academia and work.

I’ve also had the opportunity to speak with several established mountaineers. And it’s high-time to start pondering
How serious of a mountaineer I wish to become,
How high the peaks I would like to scale,
How treacherous the climbs I wish to endeavour,
and I guess,
How selfish of a man I might become.

Old Habits Die Hard

So I started the semester all ra-ra and ambitious. Found myself in a slump a couple of times along the way and questioning why the heck am I doing this to myself. Do I really need to pile on such a heavy academic load? Probably not, with the modules I have taken, I can opt for a pretty easy route with minimal load till Y4S2. And this would leave me more room in other ventures.
Yet, the persistent thought that there’s always more to learn lingers.

This thirst for more knowledge isn’t too surprising. After all, ML is a huge field encompassing various complex sub-disciplines. There’s the mathematics and algorithms aspect. Then, there’s the whole bulk with OS and parallelism to optimize training time. A good ML engineer would also need to have strong mastery over databases and managing data pipelines. And if we discuss real-time training and scaling resources, it’s difficult not to mention cloud computing. All these are deep, deep rabbit-holes.

The man who chases two rabbits catches neither.

But I acknowledge I should not be biting off more than I can chew. I do feel burnt-out at times and I doubt that’s any good health-wise nor conducive to learning. Knowledge retention is one other issue I am currently grappling with - somehow i’m forgetting quicker than I would like and concepts get mumbled-jumbled up in my head if I leave them alone for too long. An intentional effort to recap needs to be present and I suppose this calls for a break from another ridiculous semester.
Or not lol.

Gonna roll the dice on this. You’ll know what’s up if I go on another hiatus.

Another picture of Dior because how can you possibly resist?

Many More To Come!

Sun, 01 Oct 2023 05:23:00 GMT

It’s Finally Time

The past 1.5 months had been a real scramble - juggling between heavy academic workload and a vibrant campus life. Actually, life outside school work was pretty much just kickstarting this pilot outdoor climbing venture. Fortunately, sign-ups were strong, people were excited, and (acquiring) logistics didn’t prove to be too big of an issue - we essentially lugged our whole storeroom with us. Overall, i’d say its a pretty successful trip - nice rocks, tricky routes, and wonderful companions (most importantly, nobody died.. *_*).

Lovely rocks

Some routes were challenging. Personally, i’m still stuck at 6B. I can flash and perhaps on-site 6As and 6A+s fine but 6Bs might prove a little problematic and i’d certainly need rest points for 6B+ routes. Not really a climber to be reckoned with but hey, we pick our battles and mine lies elsewhere..
Anyway, here are some sick climbing shots:

Rocks here aren’t as pretty as the ones you’ll find in Krabi but I think there’s a nice variety with varying degrees of difficulty — ample and convenient for your average Singaporean climber and his gang of buddies.

Some fun shots

Food and transport there is really, really cheap. We travelled around by grab and a 20-minute ride to Batu Caves from our hotel, split among 4-5 costs us a measly 2-3SGD each. We had 2 full days of climbing and pretty much got our lunch and teabreak with GrabFood as well. Not just affordable, but extremely convenient, helps us focus more on our climbs haha. Food served right after descent is especially scrumptious.

(p.s. Also, KFC in Malaysia does taste better.. :O)

Here’s a short summary of what I did:

I ate alot.

Fell alot too.

Flirted a little.

It was a good respite from all the madness during the semester.

At what cost..?

I was desperately scrambling for time before the trip. Had a midterm to mug and loads of assignments to submit the night before the trip.

And technically.. I didn’t complete all of them. There was one remaining (and I will soon discover, extremely tedious) assignment left that was due on the following monday, but I figured i’ll rush it at night after returning to the hotel (once again, no idea where this unearned confidence sprung from). I quickly learned that was a mistake.

I thought I would be able to get some progress up on the 6-hour bus ride to KL but days of mugging and submissions left me sleep-deprived and I crashed hard as a dead log. I will refrain from sharing my caught-in-4k unglams here LOL. Anyway, I had 3 nights (Saturday, Sunday, and Monday) left to churn my submission out. Pressure was on, GAME ON!

And I failed.

First night I feasted, no excuse here oops.

Second night, I came back all worn-out from the climb but persisted. Made some progress but alas, I was still far from done and it was nearly 3am.

I was waging it all on the last night - night it was due. But Haidilao (a popular hotpot chain) got to me first.. 😋

Thankfully, there is a 1-week grace period for submission and the penalty is only 2 marks. Though this 2 marks, as I would find out, translated to 1% of my final grade. I sure hope this doesn’t bite me in the ass on results day..

Thoughts

The trip was great. And I was glad we managed to pull it off. But that doesn’t mean there wasn’t room for improvement — in managing myself and providing a wholesome experience as a host. The feedback from participants were mostly positive. But perhaps what is equally heartening as regretfully not done is the point raised up that some participants were hoping to interact with us host climbers just as much during the night (leisure) as in during the day.

Unfortunately, most of the hosts are my fellow club members who happen to be equally bad in time management as I am. We ended up scrambling work and submissions on our nights there. Probably should’ve used the time as one for gathering and learning more about one another outside of climbing.

Well, that’s over. I have a bunch of upcoming midterms and several interviews lined up. 🤞 I land a job. Time to buck up and double down on the academic frontier. I’ll probably vanish for awhile. Hopefully i’ll return soon, and not too broken.

Embarking on a New Chapter with a Ton of Unearned Confidence

Sat, 26 Aug 2023 03:23:00 GMT

And (hopefully not) Failing Spectacularly

A New Semester

Again, it’s 3am into the night. I should really be clearing some backlog, but we don’t always make the best decisions, so September’s piece came early. Not a bad idea actually, I can foresee September is going to be a really, really busy month. It’s peak period for interviews and technical assessments, school work will start ramping up, and perhaps most problematic of all, my desire to balance grinding with having fun.

Academia

It’s no secret among those who know me that I am a bit of a nerd. I enjoy geeking out over optimizations and discussing software practices. I like learning new concepts and exploring different ideas, in Computer Science and Math, even though i’m not a particularly fast learner. But that doesn’t deter me from yet again taking a full coursework of math and cs modules while trying to pull my CAP/GPA up.

Talk about shooting oneself in the foot lol.

Additionally, over summer, I embarked on two research projects in Machine Learning to further my understanding. Things have gotten much more interesting in recent weeks and i’ve decided to continue my efforts in these areas throughout the semester, hopeful it culminates into well-received publications.

Wait.. There’s More?

The problem with the schedule lies in the planner.

Sure, I enjoy studying but boy do I also like my playtime. You might be wondering what I meant by playtime, rest assured it’s nothing scandalous - I simply meant time spent climbing and hanging out with friends from school clubs and outside of clubs. I’m part of both Climbing and Mountaineering club, so I spend my nights either climbing or running up and down hills.

Naturally, I wouldn’t be going for every session, but i’m typically in-charge for wall related matters, and since both clubs are home to climbers, it’s 2-birds-with-1-stone. What i’ve realised is that I really enjoy spending time and interacting with people during these leisure climbs. Some are extremely passionate climbers looking to further challenge themselves, some are beginners with their new-found love for climbing, and others who are social climbers, mostly in it for a chit-chat session. It’s a good vibe.

It’s not all Play!

Climbing has garnered much attention in recent years and its evident that there is a strong demand for it in school as well. Climbing Club never has to worry about a lack of registration. But an issue remains - there’s no avenue for outdoor climbs. In Singapore, we mostly climb indoors (Dairy farm.. T_T) but at some point in a climber’s journey, itchy hands and a wandering mind will lead them to the natural world.

Most trips are exclusively hosted for a select group of friends, and rightfully so. The barrier to entry is rather high, and you wouldn’t want to start climbing outdoors by yourself with no experience whatsoever. Even for those who are experienced with indoor climbing, outdoor climbing is an altogether different beast. The risk is high but can be mitigated with the right hands. That said, no experienced climbers would want to travel out of Singapore just to be a ‘belay slave’ (a term used to describe climbers who end up tending to beginners and having to belay them rather than being able to focus on their own climbs). Hence, the outdoor climbing scene hasn’t grown much even though the demand is high.

So here’s where I step in! :P

A friend from Mountaineering Club is really passionate about climbing. He is one of the ‘friendlier’ climbers around, who isn’t just solely interested in his own self-progression, but also seeking to spread the love of climbing to the rest of the NUS community. Specifically, he wishes to make outdoor climbing accessible to many more, even beginners who simply seek the thrill of the sport. Truly commendable!

And that’s when I realised too, that my position gives me a unique vantage point to turn this vision into reality! My involvement in both the school’s Climbing and Mountaineering clubs might help to bring any talks of collaboration to fruition. So we sprung into action. Now, we are deep in the midst of planning our very first pilot trial of bringing climbers to Batu Caves in Malaysia, as early as September. Wonderful.

One Day I’ll Smile About This

Exciting? Definitely. Ambitious? Indeed. Audacious? Perhaps.
Romanticism tells us that in order to make the most of our human potential,
we must have as many different experiences as we can.

I’m quite the pragmatist, but in this regard, i’m every bit the romanticist.

So, these are what will keep me really busy this semester. To cope with my heavy involvement in school work and club activities, i’ve finally (after 2 years of staying off-campus) decided it would be best to make NUS my home for the next 4 months. Hopefully, my trusty Mac alongside the life-saving monitor, handy chalkbag, and smelly harness will tide me through the storms to come 🫠.

P.S. Title was inspired by a quote by Michael from The Good Place. It was an enjoyable series.

The First Commit

Wed, 23 Aug 2023 05:23:00 GMT

Originality..?

So, i’ve finally come around to making my own site. Frankly, ‘making’ is giving me too much credit.. I didn’t have to do much aside from customizing certain sections. Even the selection of the theme is inspired by a senior with a similar site. That said, I do like the simplicity of the design and the features it offers. I think it suits me. After all, front-end really isn’t my forte and I doubt i’d make a good UI/UX designer. Anyway, the default site also comes with a blog. I pondered for awhile whether to have it removed but figured it isn’t such a bad idea to leave it as a dumping ground for my thoughts every now and then. So, here I am :).

And So The Hustle Continues

I haven’t yet mentioned what even spurred this on. But you might’ve guessed it. August is the time when most firms begin their recruitment process. Every computing kid down the block is scrambling to beef up their resumes, color their portfolios and impress with dynamic sites. Scary.

Turns out, i’m no exception.

It’s difficult not to feel the pressure when everyone around you is spending most of their waking hours in preparation while juggling a full term of coursework. I even bailed from an exciting diving and hiking trip at Dragon Horns in Tioman Island (Malaysia) with my fellow mountaineering friends. :/

I was the only one (save the exchanger) not to go, so yeah FOMO 😔 was strong. Still, I’m glad they are having a blast. It’s unfortunate how much of a rat race this has become but let’s leave that discussion to some other time.

Anyway, I was going about my own preparation (mostly LeetCode grind. Disgusting — yes, I know) when someone in my Computing cohort announced that he has compiled a list of firms, mostly top and out-of-my-league ones, and has kindly decided to share with everyone else. Naturally, this is a great thing! And it saves me time having to look up some pesky companies’ careers pages that tend to avoid LinkedIn or other job searching sites. But I glanced through the profile of interested applicants, a close friend’s one as well, and thought to myself,

damn..
they've got some real solid portfolios and pretty sites..

It made me anxious. I thought about making a site from scratch too, but felt my time could be better spent elsewhere, like writing now LOL 🫣. Realistically, I’m not sure I have the commitment to build an entire website from scratch.

I have some reservations about how consequential having a (very simple) portfolio site would be. But I suppose it does provide some form of self-assurance, if nothing else.

So there we have it, 5am deep into the night (or morning wtv), just finished wrapping up the site and left a short read for whoever that chances upon this blog. Goodnight -.-