Gordon in the morning: Where sexual politics meets football

With Cheryl Cole over trying desperately to interest the Americans, she's been hanging out with the Black Eyed Peas. Fergie made some sort of joke that she might have sex with Cole.

Gordon Smart and Ashley Cole's teammates have exploded as a result:

JOHN TERRY, DIDIER DROGBA and FRANK LAMPARD have been among those teasing the Chelsea defender with jibes like "You've turned your wife gay".

Apart from being pre-juvenile, this doesn't even make any sense at all. How does a bisexual woman saying she finds someone attractive make the object of her attention gay?

Gordon, footballers: it doesn't work like that. Gay and bisexual people don't go round firing some sort of queerectoplasm at straight people turning them gay.

It doesn't even make any sense to 'blame' Ashley - Cheryl is hanging out with the Peas because of her career, not because she used to be married to Ashley, so even if you were going to bother to make a joke, it would be "ha ha, her career has made your ex-wife attractive to bisexual women". Which wouldn't be funny. Which is exactly the same as the original remarks, but at least has a degree of accuracy.

And they have laughed that Ashley, 29 - dumped by Cheryl over his cheating - might have missed out on a threesome, telling him: "You could have been in the middle of that!"

That makes even less sense - if you assume that Ashley had turned Cheryl gay, why would he be involved in a threesome with her and Fergie? Why would someone whose sexuality you have somehow re-engineered away from heterosexuality then invite you to have sex with them?

I know footballers aren't meant to be that smart, but surely they've seen enough websites to understand this sort of thing a bit better?

Gordon in the morning: Mission impossible

The Bizarre index claims that Judi Dench is Fergie's "new best pal", although it turns out they've just been in a film together and there's some vague talk of Judi doing a cameo in a Peas video. Apparently everyone thinks this is a good idea.

So, there's lots of photos of them together, is there?

Actually, no: Fergie didn't turn up for the premiere party. But the good Dame did dance to a Black Eyed Peas song, which is enough to support the "close friendship" making lead story for Gordon.

Fashion Rocks again, in much the same way that it always does

Surprisingly, Beth Ditto isn't involved with this year's Fashion Rocks event, as the overpriced trousers/overrated singers combo telecast offers a line-up which is either an impressive collection of the a-list (and Duffy) or the same old bloody faces all over again (and Duffy), depending on how generous you feel:

Beyonce
Black Eyed Peas
Chris Brown
Fergie
Justin Timberlake
Keith Urban
Lil Wayne
Mariah Carey
Rihanna
Kid Rock
Duffy

We do like they're billing the Black Eyed Peas and Fergie, which presumably means she'll be doing two things but still looks a little like they're trying to pad out the list of names.

But surely this is more Fashion RandBs, not Rocks?

We're given to understand that a bid to include Hamfitter on the bill failed at the last moment.

Fergie: Less like Fergie, more like Di

The 3AM Girls have read Fergie's interview in Blender and were taken with this:

"People put celebrities on a pedestal and act like they're perfect. But I'm more like the people's artist - the same way Diana was the people's princess."

Actually, you're more like The People's Post Office, Fergie.

Updated lists

Amongst recent revisions to the best-of lists are the iTunes sales charts from the US, which basically reveals that some people don't even deserve iPods. Fergie? Plain White Ts?

Presumably a different Fergie?

Surely the Fergie who is encouraging the planet-crushing replacement of perfectly functional mobile handsets by working with Motorola isn't the same Fergie who appeared at Live Earth imploring us to take more care of the Earth, is it?

Missing the point a little

Fergie has decided to go green. Which, you know, is something to be applauded, although she's, erm, doing it by selling her Hummer on eBay.

Now, admittedly, she's giving the funds raised to a green charity, but for someone with the cash Fergie has at her dispoasl, wouldn't it have made a little more sense to have simply taken the car off the road, rather than sold it on to someone else to despoil the planet with, and helping to promote the brand into the deal?

A lot of good work for charidee

Let's just preempt the comments box and say: Yes, we know Annie Lennox's Band Aid style single is in a good cause and, yes, it will raise a bit of money.

However, wouldn't it be better all round if Shakira, Joss Stone, Dido, Celine Dion, Pink, Fergie, Gladys Knight, Bonnie Raitt, Melissa Etheridge, KT Tunstall and Madonna all released a proper single - one that they might have released anyway - and gave the money from that to Nelson Mandela's 46664 Aids charity instead? Wouldn't that raise more money and, indeed, mean that the artists involved could feel a sense of actually contributing to the cause by redirecting some of their royalties, rather than just spending an hour or so making a record that nobody would really want for its own merits?

Fergie "didn't sell out totally"

Women's Wear Daily is reporting that Fergie is threatening legal action against the Sunday Times over the story that she was taking cash from fashion chain Candies in return for singing about them:

"It's completely false," she told WWD on Monday, adding that she is taking legal action against the paper. "I don't know where they got it from. I sing about a lot of things in my songs — from cars to Taco Bell — but not because I'm paid to!"

She is, however, taking money to endorse the brand in other ways, as the chain's parent company makes clear in its denial:

A spokeswoman for Iconix Brand Group also denied that Fergie was being paid to plug the brand in her music. "Contrary to recent reports, Candie's does not have an arrangement with Fergie whereby she will incorporate the Candie's brand into her lyrics. Currently, Fergie acts as the junior brand's spokesperson and appears in its multimedia marketing campaigns including print, national television, Internet and promotions."

It's understandable that Fergie would want to defend herself against the suggestion that her creative process is being influenced by a corporate buy-in.

Mind you, the original press release announcing her tie-up with the company shows that the line between her musical career, and her business as a corporate shill, is more than a little blurred nevertheless:

Iconix Brand Group, Inc. (NASDAQ: ICON) recently announced its exclusive partnership with 3x Grammy award-winning artist, Fergie for its Candie's(R) brand fall '07 television, print and online advertising campaign. The junior brand, available exclusively at Kohl's Department Stores, styled her current music video "Big Girl Don't Cry," which features Candie's apparel, footwear, jewelry, sleepwear, hats and bedding. The Candie's television commercial is a direct cut from the "Big Girls Don't Cry" music video and the print campaign will feature candid shots taken on set during the shoot. This is the first time a junior fashion brand has extracted their campaign from a music video. "Big Girls Don't Cry" is in the top five on Billboard's Hot 100 chart and among the top 10 most played videos on MTV and VH-1.

Commenting on the partnership, Fergie stated, "Candie's is giving me creative input and they are allowing me to bring my touch to the campaign and I love that! The clothes are so wonderful and we are tying it all together, the commercial, the print ads and my video and I am really excited about it."

This is interesting - the idea that, simultaneously, the adverts are a "direct cut" from the video and that Candies allowed Fergie an input into the campaign. In other words, she was allowed a say in an advert that was part of her video.

Dari Marder, Chief Marketing Officer, Iconix Brand Group, Inc. said, "This is a wonderful opportunity for Candie's to be able to lift our brand creative straight out of Fergie's hit video, "Big Girls Don't Cry." It further validates the Candie's brand as part of pop culture."

Julie Gardner, Kohl's Executive Vice President and Chief Marketing Officer, said, "The new Candie's advertising campaign marks a first for a junior fashion brand. The campaign is innovative and authentic and leverages the music video, which makes the brand more relevant to our junior shoppers."

Candie's recently announced its exclusive fashion sponsorship with Fergie on her first solo tour. Fergie's Verizon VIP Tour has a 20-city schedule and tickets are exclusive to Candie's and Verizon Wireless through give-a-ways and Kohl's in-store events in select markets, as no tickets will be sold for this tour. The tour has received amazing reviews from critics and fans. At each concert there is a live Candie's fashion show.

So, part of her gigs is an advertorial for the chain's fashion as well - presumably, that support act would be there even if it hadn't been paid for.

We can understand that Fergie might not want people to think her artistic decisions are being directed by a sponsor. At least, not unsubtly.

Fergie: Your name here

There's a thin line between promoting a product and selling your soul, and where it lies depends a lot on who you are and what you're promoting.

But taking cash to write a song praising a product - not as an advertising jingle, but to sit in your repertoire? That's not even a grey area, it makes you no better than Fay Weldon.

Step forward Fergie, who is now pocketing cash and singing praises of Candies, a US clothing chain. But obviously, if you're willing to replace your creative process with your pocket book and contract negotiations, it might just as well be AT&T, or McDonalds, or Swift Boat Veterans for Justice:

Last week Fergie was on tour, but her advisers said such product placement was the future. “With record sales in decline, you must find novel ways to make money out of the music. The trick is to make the brand part of the song so that it slips down easily rather than chokes the fan,” said an executive at Interscope, Fergie’s record company in Los Angeles.

“Candie’s will reach teens, but it has no say over exactly what Fergie will sing, or when. Fans might think she is just singing about candy. But it’s got to work in the song. Fergie does not sing jingles.”

The implication that a jingle is less honest than this just won't wash - at least when Justin Timberlake goes "ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, I'm loving it", the deal is explicit and clear.

It's interesting that Fergie's people are clearly embarrassed by the deal, with their "some people might not even realise it's an advert" bluster. But if that was the case, what exactly are the clothes shop paying for?

[UPDATE: 12-07-07: Fergie says she's going to take legal action against The Sunday Times over the original story]

And this is your Black Eyed Pea on drugs

One thing we'll say for Fergie: she doesn't believe in holding back, does she? Now she's admitted she's had a meth problem, she's unstoppable on her drug experiences:

One time she was so paranoid on the drug that she talked to her hamper for eight hours straight. "I remember thinking somebody was inside of it, going to come and get me, so I was talking to the person who was crawling in the hamper," she admits.

Although if you were that paranoid, why would you just not open the basket?

Please, not on our account

Fergie has - we're not sure "reassured" is the word, more threatened - that there will be another Black Eyed Peas album:

"We don't have an album yet, a Black Eyed Peas album," Fergie told WENN. "We haven't had time; everybody's been constantly working, as we always do. But we will have an album. We're not going away."

We know what she's been doing... but what about the other ones? Are they really all so busy?

She does a PA just like a ringin' a Bell

Fergie turned up to do a PA in the Hamptons this weekend just gone, but seemed to get a bit confused. TMZ reports:

TMZ was at the club on Sunday for The Juicy and Glamorous Party, where Ms. Stacy Ferguson took a hosting gig for the night, singing along to a couple lines of "Glamorous" and "Fergalicious" -- in-between random rants about her favorite fast food restaurant.

That would be Taco Bell, of course. It's not so odd, though - for Fergie, "still going to Taco Bell" is her "Jenny from the block"; she claims in the lyric to her collaboration with Ludacris, Glamorous, that she still goes to Taco Bell, sometimes with her hair all mussed up:

I be on the movie screens
Magazines and boogie scenes
I'm not clean, I'm not pristine
I'm no queen, I'm no machine
I still go to Taco Bell
Drivethrough, raw as Hell
I don't care, I'm still real
No matter how many records I sell

Although, of course, if she was that bloody real, she'd be getting her tacos from the Taco Bell express in Target, wouldn't she?
News that Fergie has been extolling the virtues of Taco Bell has led to Yum Brands taking a panicky advert to reassure customers.

Oh, alright, that's from last December when the lettuce in Taco Bell had been poisoning people in the US and the company tried to restore confidence with a series of ads on TV and in the New York Times. Is it just us, or does nothing drain confidence more than a company saying "our product won't poison you... any more... trust us..."

The forgotten wars

Did you know Fergie and Nelly Furtado are currently caught in a war of words? Nope, us neither. But apparently Fergie has reneged on a ceasefire agreement, causing Furtado to appeal over her, erm, lovely lady lumps direct to the people:

"We spoke about it face to face... We kinda cleared it up about a month ago... I thought it was water under the bridge.

I threw the first punch, technically, thinking she had thrown the first punch. She told me she did not and then I said, 'You know what, I'm sorry...'

I'm sure we'll be friends again in the future.

I'm not a bully, I'm just an artist and when you're an artist you have a certain artistic license and when you feel things intuitively and you feel like you've been insulted or hurt you just react."

Although, of course, it seems that Nelly doesn't extend that artistic licence to Fergie.

An Open Letter To My Teenage Self

For some reason - we can't assume it's purely to come off as a smug, self-satisfied git - Fergie has sent a letter to her 17 year-old self. Typical of the bloody Post Office, though, it's only just turned up.

Oh, hang on.

"Sure, you'll be a giant flirt and wear sexy clothes, but you'll never take it to an unhealthy level and act on it." Fergie also warns herself about the rough patches ahead in her life, including her drug addiction and debt problems - but adds,"Don't worry. You'll always come back to your roots."

Fergie's 17 year-old self has replied with a text message trying to clarify what, exactly, she means by "acting on sexy clothes to an unhealthy level" and pointing out that if she'd included some useful information - like who wins the 2002 Kentucky Derby - she could have avoided the debt problems altogether. A second text attempted to clarify if "I'm, like, always this embarrassing in the future?"

Kissing boys and girls, trying to decide which she prefers

No, Daily Mirror, Fergie has not "admitted to a series of lesbian flings", as if homosexuality was like shoplifting or kidnapping sailors.

Robbie Williams is not seeking a second opinion alongside Fergie's

We don't know if Fergie's medical background is in psychiatry or human biology, but she seems confident enough in her skills to offer a diagnosis in Robbie William's case:

"We've all faced our demons at some point. I feel I can relate to him. In this day and age it seems everyone is going crazy.

But Robbie is doing great. He's such a charmer. He'll come back stronger from all this. That boy knows how to pack out arenas."

Well, since part of Williams' problems are, apparently, his ability to present a happy face (or, more accurately, gurning face) to the world while being eaten-up by his internal solipsism, that he seemed jolly at a party might be considered a symptom rather than a good sign - as, indeed, would be bouncing straight from rehab to the sort of pap-stalked, celeb-heavy party where you might "party" with "Fergie" in the first place. Since Fergie has spoken of her own addictions, she probably could relate to Williams, but telling a man who's hooked on drugs that "yah, everyone's so crazy now with the global warming and Iraq war" is a bit of a slap in the face.

And he "knows how to pack out arenas", does he? Isn't it more he employs people who know how to do that; he just turns up and delivers a so-so performance?

Fergie "too drunk" to get off with Virgin

It's just like a celebrity version of Airline - indeed, if she's smart, Fergie should try and spin her awkward moment in LAX as 'Comic Relief Does Airport' rather than drunk woman makes a tit of herself.

Supposed to be flying to London, Fergie turned up too tight:

"She was falling all over the place and had to be supported. She was in no state to fly.

"But when she was prevented from boarding she couldn't believe it.

"She was drunkenly ranting at staff but could barely string a sentence together. It was very embarrassing."

Her clothes were removed from the hold - which can't have taken long - and the rest of the band crossed the Atlantic without her. Which, to be honest, they're probably going to have to get used to doing when she quits the Black Eyed Peas anyway.