Sorry I Missed Your Party

Pool Party

2019-08-16T13:26:00.002-04:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/wildlifeuplift/195816888/

Eerily, I'm pretty sure these are actually this person's pets.

Me and All My Friends

2012-08-25T14:45:00.001-04:00

This Looks Like a Cool Party

2012-08-10T12:15:00.001-04:00

Me and My Friends Doing Mad Shots at the Bar

2012-07-27T13:52:00.001-04:00

Me, irl

2012-07-23T10:27:00.001-04:00

Cool Friends

2012-06-24T00:43:00.001-04:00

Cool Kids

2012-06-02T16:20:00.001-04:00

Cannonball

2012-05-22T19:38:00.003-04:00

Dang. Wishin' I was there.

Beautiful Ladies

2012-04-29T19:49:00.002-04:00

These two photos were sent to me by reader Charlotte. She clearly has a good eye for lovely ladies.

Toga Party

2012-04-17T23:53:00.001-04:00

The face of the guy with the acoustic guitar - he's so mad to be interrupted from his cover of "Crash".

Deviled Eggs

2012-04-05T23:52:00.001-04:00

The great thing about this photo is I found it when I was searching Flickr for the phrase "deviled eggs".

Me, IRL

2012-03-25T23:59:00.002-04:00

Most Depressing Bong Hit

2012-03-17T12:20:00.001-04:00

This photo is captioned: "my first bong hit back after rehab".

Brony Cookiepuss

2012-03-08T00:57:00.000-05:00

A giant cookie cake decorated with Pinkie Pie from "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic". Goddang these brony fuckers.

Teens on Drugs on the Subway on Film on My Mind

2012-03-05T09:30:00.000-05:00

Recently I was taking the subway home on a Friday night - about 8:30pm - and saw these awesome kids fucked up out of their minds on drugs waiting on the platform next to me. They got on the L train from Union Sq heading into Brooklyn.

I started covertly videotaping them; I waggled my finger in front of the phone screen to give the illusion I was playing Tetris or something instead of videoing. However, after a while, the guy started to give me a dirty look and started whispering to the girls. All I heard him say was a hiss: "she looks like she shops at J. Crew."

There's two things that really get me about these kids:

1. It was February in New York, and they're not wearing jackets or even tights. She's wearing a tank top! Where are their jackets?! These crazy kids are going to catch their death out here!

2. It was only 8:30pm. What kind of even were they on their way to at 8:30pm on a Friday that they had ALREADY taken drugs for? Is there an early bird special at the drug dealer's or something?

I consider filming these kids my finest moment, and I'm so happy to share it with you:

Barefoot in the Frat House

2012-02-28T11:10:00.002-05:00

The thing I find most horrifying about this is that they apparently have a no-shoes policy. Look at the pile of shoes by the door. The white socks. The one guy holding the bong appears to actually be wearing slippers instead of moccassins.

I absolutely loathe having to take my shoes off inside because I'm afraid of stepping on something sharp. When I was a kid I read a book about the San Fransisco earthquake of 1906, and it said that because the earthquake happened in the early morning while people were still in bed, everyone ran out into the street barefoot and ended up with massive injuries from all the broken glass cutting their feet. This HORRIFIED me beyond belief. Way more than the tragedy of people losing their homes or dying.

One of the most terrifying cinematic moments for me is in Die Hard when Hans Gruber tells his henchman to "shoot the glas s" so that John McClane has to walk across the broken glass barefoot. At that point, I basically just want John to give up and let the terrorists win. I've had it.

Clean Cut Cuddle Party

2012-02-22T07:30:00.000-05:00

I was looking for cuddle party photos in hopes of seeing some real unsavory degenerates, but instead I found these goddamn eagle scouts. These turd nuggets are so wholesome with their white teeth and great skin and genuine smiles.

I'm pissed as heck and I am only consoling myself with the hopes that these guys have terrible shoulder bacne.

Humiliating Head Gear

2012-02-17T10:18:00.000-05:00

I was completely delighted by this old photo and the funny hats they're wearing at a New Year's Eve party.

I starting thinking about the downfall of the noble Party Hat happened with those stupid 200X glasses. Although in this photo, the real humiliation is how poorly it was color-corrected and "denoised".

Pigs in a Baja Blankey

2012-02-13T11:12:00.002-05:00

Love to see police and a guy in a drug rug hanging out in peace.

Lending a Helping Hand

2012-02-08T23:29:00.003-05:00

It's a Shame About Evan

2012-02-07T15:42:00.002-05:00

Evan Dando has a Twitter account that's strange and rambling, and yes, it's really him.

He's not shy about posting pics of his post-show partying at all [note the white lines on the coffee table]. Holy fuck.

Badass Krew

2012-02-03T10:43:00.001-05:00

SIMYP Travel Guide: Guide Books

2012-02-02T10:00:00.000-05:00

Is there anything worse than someone who considers "travel" among their interests?

In my travels, I've gained an appreciation for those Lonely Planet or whathaveyou guidebooks. Yes, I know, I know, they're cheesy and hideous. And of course I'd prefer not to use one at all. Everyone wants to not use the guidebook and be carefree. You don't want to be that tourist with your nose in a guidebook like chump. Of course not. But what you really want is for your traveling companion to be the one who totes the book and does that all for you. Somehow I've ended up traveling with people who disdain the guidebook even more than me, which means that I'm the one stuck carrying it. And you know what? They come in handy, ok?

Here's the absolute worst part about those books: after your trip is done, you're stuck with this ugly book on your shelf. Taunting you even more because it tells everyone who comes over exactly where you been and that you required a guidebook for it. Mortifying. I've tried as best as possible to shove these books off on friends who've mentioned a whiff of interest of traveling to those places. You don't want people coming over and the first thing they see is that giant white text on the thick blue spin. "Oh, you went to Spain?!"

Anyway, point is, we now know DJ Denim over here has been to Thailand.

Burning Man? More Like.... Burning Stupid-Man

2012-01-31T12:51:00.002-05:00

One time I was at a roof party at one of those large buildings in Williamsburg where the residents share the roof. This was quite a few years ago when a different type of losers and shitheads still lived on the Williamsburg waterfront (as opposed to the current losers and shitheads). Some other tennants in the building also had some friends on the roof. They were unsavory hippy types, and one of them started doing this assinine thing with spinning flaming things. I don't know what the proper name for this activity is, and I don't want to ever know. It's what's going on in this photo, you know what it is.

My friend Keren started yelling "GO BACK TO BURNING MAN, HIPPIES!" at them, which was the funniest thing to me at the time. Hippies HATE it when you don't like their stupid fire-dancing displays. They seemed so hurt and dismayed to be in a hostile environment. Sorry nerds, Keren does not appreciate you.

Wwwwwwwwwwipeout

2012-01-25T18:12:00.003-05:00