before the new year

Isn't it weird that you think you have life figured out and then you feel like you are back to the beginning? It's like the second before my life comes together it all fall back apart. I wouldn't say that my life is falling apart but I can't figure out my life at this point. I have all of these conflicting things going on in my life. It's like my life is taking control of me instead of me taking control of my life. I am turning 23 in a month. I am not where I thought I would be when I turned 23. When I was little I use to say i would wait until I was 21 to get married. In mormon years that was old. When I was 16 I was set on going to law school. I wanted to travel abroad by the time I graduated college. I was going to move out of the state of Utah the DAY I graduated college. I was going to.....do so many things. I am starting to feel like I don't even want to make plans anymore, because nothing ever works out. I take the appropriate steps and precautions to make sure things happen the way they are suppose to. But nothing ever works out how i thought it would. So now I don't know where I should go from here. It's funny how everyone else in my life seems to know the direction I should take except for myself. When did making decisions in life get so complicated? Why can't I just go back to being 10 and start life all over again. Oh all of the things I would have changed. It's funny how people say live your life with no regrets. But who can live their life with no regrets when there are so many things in my life I wish I had never done, things that would have changed the direction I let my life take me. So how do I take back some control? And how do I decide where I want to go? After two years, I'm still single. After four years of college I work in retail. After four and a half years in utah, I'm still here. Ineed to figure out what I want in life. And I feel like I have one month to get it together before I start another year not knowing what I want....

It's a bittersweet symphony

Life is a funny thing. You are born. You live. You die. But think about all of the things that happen in between. The happy moments. The pain. The tears that can make you or break you. The people that step in your pathway, some who choose to hold your hand along the journey or walk away. So many decisions. So many choices. So many things happen in life that change your direction, the path that you set for yourself. But that's why life is a funny thing. Nothing ever goes as planned. You can't make everyone happy. People come and go in life. People walk in and out of your life, sometimes without your permission. Uncontrollable conditions are weathered through the storms, sometimes without an unbrella and raincoat. Sometimes the compass points north. But what if all of the things happened in life and you could have changed them? How do you know when to fight for what you think is right or learn to let go? How do you know that the other person isn't the one making the mistake of walking away? How do you know that you are suppose to go right when in reality you are suppose to go left? How do we know when we should step outside with an umbrella that day or be prepared for the ray or sunshine over our heads? We don't. There is no way of really knowing. Sometimes you make the right mistakes. Sometimes you make the wrong decisions. And what could have been so beautiful and could have been so right becomes something bittersweet. Cause here is the thing about life. It comes with the good and the bad. Hey thats life. But at the end of the day you write your own story, your own lyrics. And whoever chooses to listen to it will be lucky cause it will be a beautiful, bittersweet symphony.......that's life.

Either way I'm screwed....

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Isn't it funny in life that people who are closest to you could be pulling you in so many different directions? Some people support only half of your decisions while the other half of those decisions are not being supported. What happend to supporting the person in all things? Lately I have been having a really hard time with this. It's like the old saying "can't have your cake and eat it too." Who decided what this so called "cake of life" aka life decisions was and why can't this be the decision of the individual? I mean we all need some chocolate sometimes right? Why is it then that others are so quick to judge, so quick to point the finger, and so quick to throw the first stone? Why can't people understand that others are going to pursue their own path, their own dreams, make their own choices, and live their own life? We are not all perfect. This is not a perfect world. I am not a perfect person. Why must I be this cookie cutter girl? Why is it that if I do one thing that is not in alignment with my belief system that I'm faking it? What am I faking? Can I not be myself and choose to be my own person? Why must we all be the same? I'm tired of living where people are so judgemental about my actions. I'm tired of having people close to me trying to pursuade me to be one person when all I want to be is myself. I am me. This is me. I am who I choose to be. I just want others to be ok with me. But I can not please anyone. I can not help people understand my perspective. I can not be accepted for the choices I make other than from myself so either way I'm screwed. But at least I love myself and that's enough for me.

Remember me in the sunshine, not the rain

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even without fists held high, yeah
Never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now
I can't stop
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And i want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder
But i know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that i love you so
I love you enough to let you go
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And i want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone
I'm already gone
I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone
Already gone
There's no moving on
So i'm already gone
Already gone
Already gone
Already gone, oooo, oh
Already gone
Already gone
Already gone, yeah
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And i want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone
I'm already gone
I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone
Already gone
There's no moving on
So i'm already gone...

Song by Kelly Clarkson called "Already Gone." I saw Jake #1 the other day. Judgement is well needed. So go ahead and judge. I judge myself. We sat and talked. I cried. We laughed. I cried inside. I had this strong desire to have everything back like it used to be. I wanted him to hold my hand when we crossed the street. I wanted to kiss him on the cheek and lean up against him as we waited in line. I wanted to drink his drink and put my feet under him cause they were cold. I wanted to do all the stupid little things that I used to do that I couldn't do with anyone else. We shared little moments like we used to. We laughed in the car. We shoved brownies in each other's faces. We told funny stories (our version of funny stories). I popped his gross zit and told him how he needed to pluck his eye brows (romance at it's finest really). We joked about the old man who was judging us as we walked out of the bakery. But those are all of the sunshine moments that I can't get back because he is too scared to let me have them. And for everyone who knows our past it might not be the best idea to weather that storm again. But the storm passed and there will never be sunshine after the rain. Only the looming clouds and the rumble of the thunder to remind us of all of the tears that fell. But I still want that sunshine, the best happiness that I ever knew in my life. But I can't have it, at least not with him. "We were always meant to say good bye. We were never meant to do or die." So I'm walking away and saying good bye. I'm pulling off my rain boots and off to open up to the possibility of someone who makes the sunshine worth the storm. And as far as jake is concerned, he was worth the storm. But I want to remember us in the sunshine, not the rain.

Chivalry is dead

When I think about Utah dating there is only one thing that comes to mind....a bunch of mormon douche bags who only want two things.....marriage or a hook up. Really?! And do you think I want either right now? No. What are we? 19 when hooking up was exciting and everyone convinced you that marriage was a good idea? Thats right. Then you hit 22 and you realize hooking up just makes you feel used and marriage is by far the worst idea possible at the moment. But would it kill a guy to take me out on a date? Really I'm not even that hard to please. I'm not like these snotty Utah girls who make you work for everything you got (although maybe I should convert to the dark side and become one) but why do I not feel like I'm good enough for a guy to take me on a date? I have this sorority sister and I love her to death. She is beautiful and....a typical Utah girl. She has zero personality, nothing intellegent to say, and it totally wrapped up in herself. And guys fall all over her! She gets asked out on SO many dates. It like do I have to loose 50 pounds and not have a brain for a guy to decide I'm worth the effort? At this point I'm just becoming over it. I am so far beyond over the idea that guys want to date me. I'm SO over hearing "oh I'm so in love with you but taking you out on a date and making time is just asking too much." Or my favorite these days is "I dont want it to get confusing right now." But better than that is "Don't hook up with anyone else but me and Ill do the same. But oh wait. Make sure you dont find out I'm on a dating website." Like to guys think I'm stupid? Do they think I believe the lies when they say the conviently left their phone at work? Do they think I actually believe them when they say they want to take things slow but can't even find time to make an effort. Guess what this spells out guys? It says, "Hi I think you are hot enough to make out with but not important enough to take out. You are the girl of convience until I find someone hotter and better than you." Sweet. Grand. I would rather be single for the rest of my life (Which lets be honest. I'm against marriage right now so that's exactly where I'm headed) than be stuck with all of these moron ass holes who are the biggest waste of my life. I'm over it. Really. Over it. Screw dating. Screw relationships. Screw love. Over it.

It is every man's obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it. ~Albert Einstein

The other day I knew three people who had people who passed away. And I had this thought. Even though they have died, the world carries on. Cars will still driving down the street. People still went to work. The sun still set. The world carried on without them. So what if I died today? Who would stop and give me a second thought? Who would call into work sick, symptoms of severe pain and a broken heart? Would those I care most about care about me? Would the people I hurt learn to forgive, knowing I never meant to hurt intentionally? Would there be words that would go unsaid to others, others to myself? Would it rain that day, an easy way to disguise the tears of those who cry? Would it be a day unlike any other, one that would be marked in history and easy to forget.....like Christmas or something. Then it got me also thinking, yet another self evaluation that I didn't even see coming. I could die tomorrow or I could live til I'm 90. Hopefully I can sense when this will occur, but death could happen at any moment. I mean I already look like death some days after countless hours of sleep lost. Death is already calling to me. Ha ha! But seriously, I could go at any moment. Someone once posed the question, "If I died, what would I be most afraid about my parents discovering?" I'm not really sure I know the answer.....More importantly, am I leaving the kind of legacy behind that when I look down from heaven (or up from hell...ha ha) is it a life that was worth living? Recently I have been focused more on the things that don't truly matter in the long run, things that can't be changed or molded, worrying over the small things in life, stressing without knowing the details. Good thing God gave me tomorrow to change....

REALITY CHECK

There comes a time in everyone's life where you get a reality check. Everyone knows what I'm talking about. You look in the mirror and you say to yourself, self you look like death. And it's not even on the outside per say but the mirror reflects the inside as well. TERRIBLE.

That was my morning. I woke up this morning, made a phone call, and after that call realized it was gonna be one of those days. Naturally I became scared to even go into the bathroom, cause without fail I would be looking back at myself, a reflection that I didn't know I would want to see. So I eventually went into the bathroom and gave myself a nice run down, the reality check. And what was staring back I can't even quite tell you. The interesting thing about self evaluation is the thought "how did I let myself get this far?" I mean I think of ther person I am, who I once was, and who I want to become. And nothing matches up, not in a good way. I am an average girl with average looks, average thoughts, and an average life which at points is quite exciting I will agree. But over all, average. And who wants to be average? Yes I hit that point. And those of you who know me best know what that means. It is time to once again reinvent myself in a sense and go back to being the girl I want to become. Yeah it seems a little boring to me at the moment compared to the life I am leading now, but lets be honest here. The life I am leading now is hectic, unexpected, unpredictable, DANGEROUS. Oh yes. This is so unlike me. I like plans, structure, balance. How did I let myself get so out of control? Lack of control. So it's time to slap myself in the face and pull it together. Maybe then I can look in the mirror and recognize the girl staring back at me, not this beautiful disaster I saw this morning.....