Anyway...with run-on sentences.

I woke up this morning and I did not want to start school with the kids. But I did it anyway. Which is good, because habits and discipline are important but it sucks that doing the right thing didn't help my inner attitude in the least! I was a grumpy homeschool mom on the inside while on the outside I was throwing together carrot cake muffins for breakfast. 

Perhaps I should have given myself a better pep talk while muffining (but the toddler was serenading me and it was hard to concentrate) or added a bunch of chocolate to my grocery list. (You know, the list that is right now in my head and not written down, because I clearly have too many things going on...)

Well, instead of school I deeply desired to go lay in bed, crochet a hat and eat chocolate for an hour and then deep clean my kitchen while listening to my favorite playlist while my kids entertained themselves outdoors or whatever...but I did tell the government I would handle the education of my children... So, we started with handwriting, did typing, math, and piano. By that point the carrot cake muffins were done and I was so excited because I sprouted them and they looked amazing, even if made without eggs (Becky is allergic to eggs poor Becky) and also I had figured out what was for breakfast before 8am and thought that the hardest part of my day was now over...feeding our family with our severe and strange allergies is no easy feat. 

Everyone hated the carrot cake muffins. Except for maybe Esther she ate 3/4ths of one and you never can tell if a toddler is just in grazing mode or didn't like it. I couldn't eat them because I'm gluten free and I put butter in them so they were full of Alpha gal and so I couldn't even try one to see if they were actually gross or if my kids were just being entitled? After breakfast we did Math, Bible, Poetry, Devotions, Singing, Bible Verses, Literature, Sex Ed and History. 

One of my kids had some severe attitudes which did not help our transitions go as smoothly (think crying and panicking over the fact it was Monday). Also, me too, me too but I didn't show it and was On Top of that Parenting...Anyway, after the meltdowns were done and I had finished taking the toddler potty for the 5th time, I let Becky go because she was done and we moved on to just Reuben's subjects which today included Dictation, Latin, Grammar, Spelling, Bible, more History and Literature. 

We just finished about 85% of our schedule and took a break for lunch (loaded nachos) where I decided to try this delicious new vegan cheese sauce I bought on a spurge...It's so good. I've gotten it before but ate it all myself and this time told the kids I'd share with them, since we were also out of sour cream. The kids were excited to try it though Reuben did ask me to check if it had beans in it. He is allergic to beans. I did make beans for the nachos but left them on the side...because everyone else loves beans. Seriously, feeding my family is crazy. I told him I would check but lost track and sat down and served everyone and he tried some as I was picking up the jar to read it. I immediately freaked out as the Primal Kitchen "No Dairy" Queso dip did not have beans but did have avocado oil in it. My son is anaphylactic allergic to avocado! Cue panic, we give him a totally new plate and he's very upset with me. I usually check everything I buy to see if it has avocado oil in it a unlike avocado flesh that is green you can't see if something has avocado oil in it. 

He had only one small bite and the dip only had a very tiny amount of avocado oil in it--it was an ingredient in an ingredient and...boy did I feel dumb. But we always knew this could happen and were prepared. He said his throat felt itchy (but I think it was just stress) but I gave him his medicine (Apis, Carb acid, Urtica all in a 10M) and he seems fine now. It's been an hour and we are watching him. 

I've also read that a lot of things that say they have avocado oil in it when tested do not actually have avocado oil in it and I've never prayed so hard in my life that this would be true for Primal Kitchen's Queso dip. Oh, what a crazy day!

I guess I can't have that dip anymore. Which is fine. And I'm glad Reuben is okay! 

My nerves are fried from forcing myself through school with whiny, underfed kids (because the muffins were a bust) and then maybe almost murdering my son. Ugh. And it's not even 2 o'clock! 

While all this was happening I got an email that our raw milk is going up $2 a gallon. I almost cried. Our budget has been so awful lately and we haven't been making it and everything is going up except my husband's salary. I know I should be grateful that I can offer this nutritious food to my children and I know it's a privilege but this will make it $21 a week for 1.5 gallons of milk. There is also a delivery fee of $2.50 a week. And everything is going up. It makes sense but I wonder how long we can keep making it and how many more of things that I consider "needs" we will have to cut out. We have cut out all our wants in the past three years...I know everyone is feeling this way...I want to offer so much to our family and do so many things and we didn't even get to go on vacation this year. The kids wanted to go to the beach and we told them we would try for next year. The beach is definitely a want and not a need. 

And so many little things like we didn't buy any ice cream for the past 2 weeks (the kids tried making some) as our budget ran out of grocery money and ice cream is a want and not a need.

But I am trying to remain happy that we have food and clothing and a home to come home to, great books and wonderful family time. It can always be worse! Everything is unnecessary when it comes down to it and even on our budget we still do things like karate and ballet which many would say would be wants but for us are needs. Due to my chronic illness I need the kids to be in some type of P.E. class that I don't have to manage. But I digress and probably sound entitled. It's just hard to have our circumstances change and not to be able to buy or do the things I feel like we should (and used too) afford! I'm having trouble coping, obviously. If it would just even out I think I'll be okay...

Alright, I'm done talking about money! And homeschooling! I'm going to eat chocolate and watch YouTube until free reading time--we are reading through Caddie Woodlawn again. It's the best book ever and all the kids love it. God has us all in the palms of his hands and I worry way too much about what I can't control.

September is the new July

I'm supposed to look forward to doing my devotions but sometimes it feels like a chore that I force myself to do. I've been reading through Psalms. Does anyone else feel like Psalms is super schizophrenic? Praising God in one verse and in the next the depths of despair. Uplifted on clouds of glory and two phrases later begging God for one sign. It's just like my life.

Obviously it's been a humbling read-through and much needed. I'm up to Psalm 46, which was a soothing balm to my motherhood burdened soul. God is my refuge and my strength and help in trouble! Just what I require in this stage of preteen strife and toddler woes. 

Yesterday it seemed like every time I finally sat down someone needed something. That's always how it works. Sit down for lunch? The toddler needs a cup of water or suddenly has to pee, or Becky forgot her fork or someone needs the ketchup from the fridge. Last night I was so worn out--woke up at 5, went to yoga, full day of cooking, cleaning, and took the kids to karate and ballet. I made myself a vegan, alpha gal free cheese toasty and had just sat down when Becky appeared, wet all over with the hair dryer and brush and a request for me to dry her hair and braid it for bed. Then she cried because I asked her to wait 15 minutes so I could eat my food before it got cold. But, when I went up to help her finish her hair 15 minutes later (already feeling guilty for telling her she had to wait) she was fine and we had a happy bedtime routine without strife. I however had some whiplash to deal with afterwards...I need to stop letting everyone's moods affect me!

one cool morning; I wore my handknit sweater!

Brian has been home all week working on the siding which is amazing. He's amazing, and I am so glad it is finally getting done. I mean, it's only been 5 years he's been trying to do it. The original siding is only falling off our house in rotten strips...I may have some resentment I need to work through this evening...

We haven't done school this week, besides piano and typing lessons. With daddy home we decided to take a break. I think my nervous system needed one... it has been a full summer of emergency after emergency and it's nice to just to play and support Brian as he hangs siding. I've been reading The Prime Minister and I think it's going to be my favorite Palliser novel. I'm hanging onto every delicious word! It's so well written and I love it. It really needs a modern adaptation...there is one from the 1980s and I haven't seen it but maybe I should give it a shot after I finish the series. I'd love to see Lady Eustace on screen in all her glittering narcissistic beauty.

It's been in the mid-80s and 90s this week which just feels weird for September but I know fall is coming and I am just trying to soak up these last weeks of summer. Although, I do wish we had air conditioning in our car. I finished Esther's and Reuben's fall crochet hats, and am working on Becky's. 

We tried to get our budget under control. Next pay period will show if we did a good job or not...

I have no idea what I am making for lunch or dinner but I am sure I will figure it out. It's been that kinda week. 

Even though Daddy is working 9-5 on our siding, we are still trying to do a few fun things as a family. Last night we went to our favorite ice cream joint and enjoyed frozen sugar rushes during the heat wave. It was great. Daddy has been reading through Genesis in the evenings too, it's been sweet family time.  And we are planning some park and library trips for later in the week. God is good, and I'm learning how to rest in the calm after the storm. 

August

I have had so many thoughts about so many things the last few weeks and no time or energy to write them down. So here is my attempt to order the disorder of my brain. 

For starters, I am loving our smaller room. If you missed the moving post, we gave the girls the big room and it's been an amazing change. It feels like the kids have so much more space and sharing is easier. My darling introvert is enjoying her space more even with the toddler and the atmosphere of our house just breathes differently. The same goes for our room, in what used to be the old girls bedroom--I love how cozy it is, everything feels much more organized and we've been finding ways to downsize even more which is my love language. The "big room" is about 400 square feet and the small room that we are in now is around 200. So it was a change, especially since the "big room" has its own bathroom.

It's September, and I'm still healing and dealing with everything that happened this summer. Over the break I worked full time for the first time in years--being a nanny/babysitter for a 10 year old girl named Charlotte. It was fun, I hope she had a great time. Reuben and Becky and Esther had an amazing time with her and have a greater appreciation for art, horses, and wolves just because of Charlotte. I'm feeling a lot of guilt though. I did not get to do half of what I planned for summer, and I mourn that. I spent a lot of the summer having a long extended miscarriage and grieving the loss of our 8th and very unexpected baby. I am glad that the kids, and Charlotte, did not notice. The kids told me they had an amazing summer and can Charlotte please come over again next year? And we also spent all that time at the pool... it was a wonderful summer in many ways. 

We have a consultation for the snippy-snip for hubby in November, which I strangely do not know how to feel about, even though I am the one who has asked him to do this. I think it's because I would love another baby. Actually I would love three more babies in my forties but my health and body do not feel strong enough to endure more losses. I am chronically ill, and instead of getting better after 10 years of researching and work, I am slowly getting worse. It is sad. And very hard to deal with, but true. So here I am ready physically to say goodbye to more babies but not emotionally ready. And yet I am not emotionally or physically ready to say hello to any more babies either. Alas, life is once again a conundrum. Good thing I have tea and sunsets.

Summer to me felt like one long struggle between the miscarriage and trying to give the kids some normalcy. I was so glad that summer was over when August hit and I thought I could put all that behind me and delve into homeschooling! And then we started school...and sadly, last Monday, our Pastor passed away suddenly. It was very unexpected news and our whole church is grieving. He was on a sabbatical for his health--he had cancer twice in the last 6 years--and was expected to return in two or three weeks to resume preaching, and now he is gone. Please pray for his wife and four grown children and of course their grandchildren. Sadness and misery reins in August too! 

And now September is here and fall is just around the corner, though of course that could be many weeks off. With Virginia weather, we still could have a month of 90f weather just like we are having this week. Today it was 94f or something crazy like that... But the pool is closed now, we are done with PEMF, and ballet and karate for the kids (and piano) are in full swing in our little homeschool household.

hanging out in the heat in the car before piano!

After over a full decade of being chronically ill I am feeling very burnt out and ready for some relief. I've been praying for healing, especially from alpha gal and hoping that I'll be able to enjoy beef and raw milk again soon. I've been praying for healing for my gut issues and severe sinus problems, for energy and good sleep--to wake feeling rested would be nice. I'm doing so many things that are supposed to help and nothing ever seems too. It's very disappointing. 

I'm reading the next book: The Prime Minister by Anthony Trollope. I like this one so much better than the last one...for some reason I couldn't get into that one at all. I'm knitting fall hats and dreaming of cooler weather. 

God is good, and I know he is working out everything to his glory.

Becky made a cake from scratch today and the kids said it was delicious! She used butter and flour, so I couldn't eat it but I was fine with that. It was a pretty cake and we had a little tea party lunch with sandwiches and fruit. 

I am hoping September holds rest, some cooler days, lots of reading with steaming cups of tea...but most of all for contentment in my own heart through the trials that I know are still yet to come.