Umm 'Abdullah on Step-Parenting

Umm 'Abdullah is a step-mother of one child, currently living in the USA. 

In the Sunnah we are taught that Jannah is at the feet of our mothers:

In an authentic hadith, a man came to the Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and said: “O Messenger of Allah! I intend to go on a (military) expedition, but I have come to ask your advice." He said, "Is your mother alive?" He said, "Yes." He said, "Then stay with her, for the Garden is under her feet." (Ibn Majah and An-Nasa’i)

We are also taught that we should obey and respect our mothers and take care of them as they age. In the Noble Qur’an, Allah, subhana wa ta’ala, says:

“Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him and that you be kind to your parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility and say, “My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy even as they cherished me in my childhood.” (17:23-24)

If you are a mother, then you know how much you would give up just to see your child grow to be happy and healthy and to be a loyal servant of Allah subhana wa ta’ala. If you are not a mother, you can surely think of something your mother did to help you, regardless of how close you are to her or the type of relationship you have with her. This mother-child relationship is clearly defined both in our own minds and in the beauty of the Qur’an.

However, what about step parents? How can one define this role? After much thought and internal struggle the only way I can define my personal role as a step parent is: CHALLENGING. Now this isn’t to say that being a biological parent is easy by any means, but the challenges are different. As a step parent the hardest thing to accept is that, no matter how much you love your spouse’s child, they aren’t your own and therefore the rules are different for you whether you like it or not. First let me take the most “ideal” situation for step parents: you’ve married your spouse who has an infant child from a previous marriage and his or her ex-spouse is 100% out of the picture and your spouse views you as his or her child’s mother. The child grows up viewing you as his or her rightful mother with all powers and responsibilities bestowed upon you as a mother and everyone lives happily ever after.

This situation almost never happens. Here’s what really happens: you fall in love with your spouse for the sake of Allah subhanna wa ta’ala, you convince yourself that it can’t be that hard to take care of his or her child since at some point in life you want children of your own (and you’ve taken care of your brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, cousins etc.) so how hard can it be? Oh and that ex-spouse? Well he or she will move on and we’ll all be friends and everything will be wonderful. Then, you and your spouse get married and you’ve spent lots of time with the child or children and insha’Allah they have accepted you into their family either because they are too young to understand what’s happening or you’ve spent painstaking hours explaining to them that you could never replace their mother/father, even though very deep down within yourself, that’s exactly what you want to do but you refuse to admit that to yourself. Typically, at least within the western world, the child lives primarily with one parent while the other has visitation every other week or so. That means, that as a step parent, one week it’s just you and your spouse living as a couple, and then the next week you’re a mother or father….kind of. And then the next week you’re not. And so on for the next 18 years of your life.

Now while mothers have that 1 relationship with their child, a step mother or step father has 3 relationships to worry about: their relationship with the child, their relationship with their spouse regarding the child, and their relationship with their spouse’s ex-husband or ex-wife. I’ll start with the relationship with the child, which for me was the easiest. My husband’s child was only 1 year old when we got married (he’s almost 3 now alhamdulilah). This relationship was the easiest because I learned to love him quite quickly and he was too young to really understand why suddenly he has “2 mommies.” The key word here is I “LEARNED” to love him. As much as I wish I could say “and then I looked in his eyes and that unconditional love took over me,” I can’t. I did not create this baby with my husband, I did not carry him for 9 months, I did not give birth to him, and I had not been around to see his first year of life. Furthermore, as much as I hated myself for thinking it, I really did not like having him around at first because he was a constant reminder that my husband had wanted to have him with someone else. These feelings continued for quite some time until the child began calling for me. Suddenly I was the only one who could put him to bed, make his food, or give him a bath. He didn’t want his daddy to do it, he wanted me….his step-mother to do it. That’s when I fell in love. When he needed me like a mother, I felt like a mother and suddenly things weren’t as difficult. I knew my role with him and I could define it to myself and I stopped introducing him to people as “my husbands son” and started introducing him as “my step-son.”

The second relationship you have as a step-parent is the one you have with your spouse regarding the child. This is very different that the relationship you have with your spouse as a husband or a wife. The hardest aspect of this relationship is trying to figure out how your spouse wants you to act toward their child. Alhamdulilah my husband was more than willing to step aside and let me handle bed time, meal time, and bath time and let me take the child out by myself or stay alone in the house with him. In time he even let me discipline his son when he was having a tantrum, as most 2 year olds do. However, this is not the case for many step-mommies or step-daddies. A type of power struggle typically evolves as a result of this complicated relationship. Some parents don’t want their spouse to discipline their child or take over certain roles because they feel they are being pushed out. A normal human response to losing control is to fight back and try to take control of everything. It is not unusual for spouses to fight over their roles in the child’s life and for the biological mother or father to tell the step-parent that it’s “not their job to do that” when it comes to a responsibility they feel is rightfully theirs as the biological parent. In this situation typically the step-parent will withdraw completely and want nothing to do with the child because they don’t want to upset their spouse. In addition, its mentally exhausting and emotionally draining to check yourself at every step and have to wonder “is this my responsibility or my husband’s/wife’s?” There is no outlined way in any psychology book or therapy manual to tell you how to resolve this issue. It normally takes an inordinate amount of patience from both sides and strong communication skills in order to overcome this challenge.

The third and final relationship you have as a step-parent is your relationship with your spouse’s ex-husband or ex-wife. This can either be the most frustrating, enraging, and down-right painful relationship you’ll ever have, or it’ll be the easiest. If, on the rare occasion, the divorce was amicable and both parties accepted that the relationship between them did not work and have both moved on and accepted that each will most likely remarry and their child will have two mothers and two fathers, then this relationship for the step-parents is relatively simple. However, more likely than not, the divorce was not pleasant for either party and some hostile feelings remain. Since both parties are normally told by family and friends to ignore each other and just move on with their lives, those hostile feelings need to come down on someone. So why not the person that your ex-spouse marries and is trying to “move in on your child?” It’s easy to understand the logic behind it: they’re resentful of the fact that they will always be tied to the one person they don’t want to remember, they’re angry that their ex has moved on which makes them feel replaced, they don’t have the typical nuclear family and often get uncomfortable or even rude comments from others in the community, and their child is calling someone else mama or dada. I can’t say that I would feel or act any differently if the roles were reversed.

However, that justification gives little solace to step-parents. Typically in our lives if there is someone we don’t particularly care for, we can keep them at a distance and limit communication with them. This doesn’t work in this scenario. The person that is taking their frustrations out on you is the mother or father of your step-child for whom you care very deeply. In turn, you have to accept that the child loves this individual and you cannot let your own personal feelings for their mom or dad show in front of them.  Furthermore, this ex-spouse is a constant, never-ending reminder that the man or woman you married and love did not choose you first. You are second. You might be the “right one” but you will never be the “first one.” You’ll never be his or her first spouse or first mother or father of their child. Never. And their ex-spouse will always be there, either through that 6am angry text message or at pick-ups and drop-offs or when your spouse has to make that direct deposit into their ex’s bank account for child support. They will never go away and you just have to accept it.

Besides these 3 relationships you’ll have as a step-parent, there’s a whole host of other challenges. What do your parents say about you marrying someone who already has children? What does the community think? How do you comfort your spouse when they have to drop-off their child every other week to their ex-wife or ex-husband and they don’t realize that it hurts you just as much? What do you say when someone asks you if you have children? What do you do when you disagree with something that the child’s parents have decided to do? How do you reconcile having absolutely no legal authority over a child that you consider to be your own? How do you define being a step-parent?

I personally grew closer to Allah subhana wa ta’ala during my journey so far as a step-parent. When things got difficult I often felt like no one really understood what I was going through. My husband had his own view of things and his own challenges with the situation. My parents were hesitant from the beginning as to whether I would be able to handle it and so I didn’t feel like I could turn to them for support. My friends alhamdulilah were very caring and always willing to provide a shoulder to cry on but I still felt very alone through all of this. That’s when I decided I really needed to turn all of my attention towards Allah subhana wa ta’ala knowing that He would hear me.

On several occasions I broke down in tears during salah and it was difficult to even know what I was praying for. Do I pray that my step-son considers me a mother? Then what about his biological mother? He already had a mom. Do I pray that my husband loves the children he will have with me as much as his son from another woman? I felt a lot of guilt about praying for things I thought weren’t “fair” or “justified.” Sometimes I would even miss salah because I felt like everything I was praying for was selfish and I somehow didn’t deserve to reach out to Allah subhana wa ta’ala.

Over time though, I began just praying that something changed; I was praying to feel better about the situation. I became closer to Allah subhana wa ta’ala and I felt myself becoming stronger in my deen because on the hardest of days, prayer was all I had. Allah subhana wa ta’ala has made things a little easier for me each day and I thank Him for the small blessings as well as the big ones. With Allah’s swt help I have learned to be patient and thankful that I can just spend time with my step-son and I am in this position in my life because Allah subhana wa ta’ala has made it so, and therefore there is a reason for it. This has brought solace and comfort to me and has ultimately strengthened my attachment to Allah and all I do now is pray that He continue to guide me through whatever happens.

The hardest part for me about being a step-parent is that no matter how much I love my step-son, no matter how supportive my husband is, and no matter how well I control my feelings towards his ex-wife, I will always have to put “step” before “parent” and that will never get any easier. I make dua for all the step-parents out there that Allah subhana wa ta’ala (spelling?) makes it easier for you and that you achieve Jannah for everything you go through and everything you sacrifice as a step-parent. May Allah subhana wa ta’ala bless all the step-moms and step-dads out there who work twice as hard for half the credit. Take solace in pleasing Allah subhana wa ta’ala and turn to Him when it get’s too hard.

“If Allah helps you, none can overcome you; and if He forsakes you, who is there after Him that can help you? And in Allah (Alone) let believers put their trust.” (Quran, 3:160)

Exceptional Umms: Asma' Bint Abu Bakr

This post was compiled from multiple hadith found in Sahih Bukhari and the book Great Women of Islam, written by Mahmood Ahmad Ghadanfar.

Qualities That Made Her Great

Courage, Piety, Patience, Sacrifice

Her Family

She was the sister of ‘Aishah bint Abu Bakr, the wife of the Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. Her father Abu Bakr, her husband Az-Zubayr, and her son, Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr were all famous companions of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. After her parents accepted Islam, Asma’ and her siblings were raised in an atmosphere of Islamic faith and practice.

The Woman of Two Waist Belts

When the time came for the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, to migrate from Mecca to Medina, a plan was devised for him to migrate in secret with his great and loyal companion Abu Bakr as-Siddique. Though she was just a young girl at the time, it was the courageous Asma’ who gathered food and water for the great journey her father and The Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, were about to make. 

In Sahih Bukhari, Asma’ related: “I prepared the journey food for the Prophet and Abu Bakr when they wanted to migrate to Medina. I said to my father (Abu Bakr), "I do not have anything to tie the container of the journey food with except my waist belt." He said, "Divide it lengthwise into two." I did so, and for this reason I was named 'Dhat-un-Nitaqain' (i.e. the owner of two belts)”

In another narration, Aisha said about this time: “…One day, while we were sitting in Abu Bakr's house, someone said to Abu Bakr, "This is Allah's Apostle with his head covered coming at a time at which he never used to visit us before." Abu Bakr said, "May my parents be sacrificed for him. By Allah, he has not come at this hour except for a great necessity." So Allah's Apostle came and asked permission to enter, and he was allowed to enter. When he entered, he said to Abu Bakr. "Tell everyone who is present with you to go away." Abu Bakr replied, "There are none but your family. May my father be sacrificed for you, O Allah's Apostle!" The Prophet said, "I have been given permission to migrate." Abu Bakr said, "Shall I accompany you? May my father be sacrificed for you, O Allah's Apostle!" Allah's Apostle said, "Yes." Abu Bakr said, "O Allah's Apostle! May my father be sacrificed for you, take one of these two she-camels of mine." Allah's Apostle replied, "I will accept it with payment." So we prepared the baggage quickly and put some journey food in a leather bag for them. Asma’, Abu Bakr's daughter, cut a piece from her waist belt and tied the mouth of the leather bag with it, and for that reason she was named Dhat-un-Nitaqain (i.e. the owner of two belts)…”

Her Patience in Poverty

It’s related in the Sahih of Bukhari that when Asma’ was married to Zubayr bin ‘Awam, he was a very pious but poor man.

Asma’ narrated: “When Az-Zubayr married me, he had neither land, nor wealth, nor slave, nor anything else like it, except a camel to get water and his horse. I used to graze his horse, provide fodder for it, look after it and ground dates for his camel. Besides this, I grazed the camel, made arrangements for providing it with water and patching up his leather bucket and kneading the flour. I was not very good at baking the bread, so my female neighbors used to bake bread for me and they were sincere women. And I used to carry on my head, the date-stones from the land of az-Zubayr which the Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam had endowed him and it was a distance of two miles from Madinah.

One day, as I was carrying the date-stones upon my head, I happened to meet Allah's Messenger, sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam, along with a group of his Companions. He called me and told the camel to sit down so that he could make me ride behind him. I felt shy to go with men and I remembered Az-Zubayr and his ghirah (ghirah is the sense of pride that a man has which causes him to dislike his wives, daughters or sisters from being seen or heard by strangers - it is this ghirah which makes a man protective about his women) and he was a man having the most ghirah. The Messenger sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam understood my shyness and left.

I came to Az-Zubayr and said, 'The Messenger of Allah met me as I was carrying date-stones upon my head and there was with him a group of his Companions. He told the camel to kneel so that I could mount it but I felt shy from him and I remembered your ghirah.' Upon this Az-Zubayr said, 'By Allah, the thought of you carrying date-stones upon your head is more severe a burden to me than you riding with him.'

I led this life of hardship until Abu Bakr sent me a female servant who took upon herself the responsibility of looking after the horse and I felt as if she had emancipated me."

Her Generosity

Asma’ bint Abi Bakr was a woman known to give a lot in charity mashaAllah, even if she had nothing left to keep for herself.

Asma’ narrated: “Once I said, "O Allah's Apostle! I have no property except what has been given to me by Az-Zubayr (i.e. her husband). May I give it in charity?" The Prophet said, "Give in charity and do not withhold it; otherwise Allah will withhold it back from you." –Sahih Bukhari

The Birth of Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr

Asma’ and her husband conceived in Mecca and when it came time for them to migrate across the desert to Medina, Asma’s pregnancy was already full term. It was during her travels that she went into labor as they reached the valley of Quba and it was there that she gave birth to her son, Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr, the first Muslim child to be born amongst the muhajireen, mashaAllah.

Asma’ relates her story in Sahih Bukhari: “I migrated to Medina while I was at full term of pregnancy and alighted at Quba where I gave birth to him. Then I brought him to the Prophet and put him in his lap. The Prophet asked for a date, chewed it, and put some of its juice in the child's mouth. So, the first thing that entered the child's stomach was the saliva of Allah's Apostle. Then the Prophet rubbed the child's palate with a date and invoked for Allah's Blessings on him, and he was the first child born amongst the Emigrants in the Islamic Land (i.e. Medina).”

The Great Advice to Her Son

Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr grew to become a great man and a noble companion, known for his fortitude and accomplishments on the battlefield. Towards the end of his life, the Muslims were split over who should take khalifa. Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr refused to accept the caliphate of Bani Umayyah and rose his own army in Mecca to fight against Hajjaj. But the army of Hajjaj surrounded Mecca, refused to allow food to enter, and laid siege to the city with catapults, greatly weakening and eventually defeating ibn Az-Zubayr’s army.

As Hajjaj’s forces entered into Mecca, they gave Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr three choices: (1) be taken into custody and delivered to the khalifa in Damascus; (2) leave Mecca and surrender all the lands that he had overcome such as Egypt, Iraq and Yemen; and (3) try to continue fighting.

At this critical time, Abdullah ibn az-Zubayr decided to seek advice from none other than his mother, Asma’ bint Abu Bakr, who at this time was over 100 years old mashaAllah.

Abdullah ibn az-Zubayr said to his mother: “So the people have left me by myself, even my own son. No one is with me except a handful of people, all I have is an hour of patience and then death and if I were to do what the people want me to do then I will be free.”

And Asma’ replied to her son: “You know better in your own self that if you are upon the truth and you are calling towards the truth, then go forth for people more honorable than you were killed and have been killed. And if you are not upon the truth, then what an evil son you are, you have destroyed yourself and those who are with you. If you say what you say, that you are upon the truth and you will be killed at the hands of others then you will not truly be free, for this is not the statement of someone who is free. How long will you live in this world? Death is more beloved to me than this state you are in, this state of weakness.”

Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr replied to his mother’s honest words: “I am afraid I will be mutilated by the people of Sham, I am afraid they will cut up my body after they have killed me.” And Asma’ replied: “After someone has died, it won’t make any difference what they do to you if you have been killed.”

Ibn Az-Zubayr continued: “I did not come to you except to increase myself in knowledge. Look and pay attention to this day for verily I am a dead man, your son never drank wine, nor was he a fornicator, nor did he wrong any Muslim or Kaafir, nor was he unjust, I am not saying this to you to show off or show how pure I am but rather as an honor to you.”

After their final conversation, Abdullah ibn Az-Zubayr rode out and was killed by the army of Hajjaj.

Courage in the Face of Injustice

After her son was killed, Al-Hajjaj refused him a proper burial and left his body for public display instead. He refused anyone permission to remove the body and informed Asma’ that if she wanted to have the body taken down, she would have to come in person and request his permission first. Asma’ refused to succumb to such a request.

After some time passed and Asma’ would not come, Hajjaj went to visit her himself and asked: “What do you say about this matter?” 

Asma’ replied: “Verily you have destroyed him, you have ruined his life and with that you have ruined your hereafter.”

After a few days, Hajjaj took down the body of her son and Asma’ retrieved it, washed it, and gathered the people to perform the congregational prayer at his burial.

Her Death

When Asma’ bint Abu Bakr died, she was over 100 years old, and still had a full set of teeth, mashaAllah. May Allah reward her and have mercy on her. 

Beautiful Reminders: Keeping Bedroom Secrets

In an authentic hadith, the Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, said: 

"Verily, among the worst people before Allah on the day of Qiyama is a man who approaches his wife sexually and she responds and the he spreads her secrets." --related by Muslim. 

In another strong hadith, Asma bint Yazid narrates that she was once in the presence of the Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, with both men and women the sitting and the Prophet said: 

"Perhaps a man might discuss what he does with his wife, or perhaps a woman might inform someone what she did with her husband?" The people were silent. Then Asma said: "O, Yes! O Messenger of Allah, verily both the women and men do that." Then the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, said: "Do not do that. It is like a male Shaitaan who meets a female Shaitaan along the way, and has sex with her while the people look on!"--related by Ahmad

Umm Anonymous on Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Part 2

Umm Anonymous is a Muslim mother of two. In early 2012, she was diagnosed with relapsing-remitting Multiple Sclerosis and is currently in remission. To read the first part of our interview with her, click here. Portions of this interview have been altered to maintain the sister's privacy. 

Now before you continue, what exactly is Multiple Sclerosis?

Multiple Sclerosis (MS) is an auto-immune disease. An auto-immune disease is a disease where the immune system is attacking some part of your own body. For some people, the immune system is attacking the digestive system like in the case with irritable bowel syndrome. Some people have rheumatoid arthritis where the immune system is attacking their joints.

In the case of MS, your immune system is attacking your nervous system. It’s attacking the brain, attacking the spinal cord, and attacking the nerves. If you have a room full of people, all of whom have MS, all of them are going to have different symptoms. There might be some overlap but it really depends on where the attack is taking place, and how it’s taking place, and how previous attacks took place. Alhamdulilah, so far there hasn't been any permanent damage in any part of my body but the possibility exists. 

And there are different types of MS. There are some more degenerative than others where the person will end up in a wheelchair and will be constantly under the care of other people, either in a nursing home or in the care of their family members. Then there are other people who have what is called relapsing and remitting MS so they’ll have an exacerbation (a flare-up or an episode of symptoms) and then after a few weeks’ time it will go away. So the exacerbation that I most recently had lasted for two months.

Why does the immune system attack the body? Is it trying to rid itself of something?

They don’t know. Which, for me, is a very convenient answer. 

My honest belief is that these auto immune diseases are environmental. The contaminants in our food supply, the genetically modified foods, the environmental and industrial pollution that we're exposed to has a lot to do with how our bodies just can’t handle this chemical onslaught. But the official answer is that they don’t know the cause. 

And the reason why I say that’s the convenient answer is because if they were to say that it’s because of this environmental, industrial and agricultural pollution, that it’s genetically modified food, or it’s too much sugar in the diet, or not enough of that in the diet, then it would require government action on a massive scale to fix the problem. 

What happened next at the Doctor’s?

So the doctor said, “You have Multiple Sclerosis.” The first time I heard her say it I just kind of tilted my head and looked at her and she started to explain some more. The second time I heard her say Multiple Sclerosis, I just burst into tears. I didn't really know a whole lot about the disease but in my head I just saw that in a few weeks I was going to be in a wheel chair, all curled up and in pain, and that I was going to die after just a few, short, excruciating years.

I was scared for my children, for my husband, for myself. I had deteriorated so much in the course of just a few weeks I thought how much further am I going to sink? The doctor held me for about ten minutes and just let me cry on her shoulder. And then after 10 minutes she said, “I don’t know a whole lot about the disease but it’s really not that bad. I know two people who have it. One man is 80 years old and he swims like 3 miles in the bay every single day. And he’s 80 and he has MS. It’s probably very scary for you and I know that you’re in a lot of pain but you can live a very, very active life with this disease.”

So I started asking her questions. And a lot of the questions I was asking she wasn't able to answer. Her role was emergency medicine, not neurology. But she said there was an emergency room nurse there in the hospital who also had MS. I couldn't believe it.

Here I was not able to walk, not able to lift my leg, not able to keep myself from peeing on myself and then there was somebody with the same disease who was able to be a nurse! Nursing is manual labor; you just have a degree. But it’s physically demanding work. At this point it had been weeks since I carried my son or allowed my kids to sit on my lap because I was in so much pain and I was so weak. The doctor asked if I would like to speak with her (the nurse) and I said “absolutely!”

In the meantime my husband had come to the hospital and he saw me crying. And I told him what happened. He took a deep breath and he said “Believe me; you’re going to be fine, inshaAllah.” And I know that he was trying to suppress his emotion in front of me because I was already so emotional. A few minutes later he stepped out to call his mom to let her know what was going on because the whole family had seen me get sicker, and sicker, and sicker. He called his mom and that’s who he let his emotions come to the surface with because he knew that I couldn't handle his emotions and mine. When he came back, he was together and he was encouraging.

The nurse came in and saw me crying and gasping and sobbing and she introduced herself and the first thing she said was, “I hear that you have MS and you have lots of questions but first let me tell you that you’re going to have to get over it.” She then explained how she was sick before getting her diagnosis and how, after being diagnosed, she spent so much time being miserable and angry about it that she ruined the relationships she had. It took another person with MS to tell her to snap out of it more than a year later for her to change things.

It’s bad to have a chronic illness and MS is a painful disease. It’s a disease that if it doesn't disable you completely, it’s going to interrupt your life frequently. But, when you’re not being interrupted by it you can enjoy the fact that you’re alive and that you’re not sick. The nurse advised me not to focus too much on my sadness because I had a life to enjoy. And that was what I needed to hear, from someone who had the disease because it wouldn't have had the authenticity that it did coming from someone else just saying “cheer up, you’re going to be fine.” 

I started treatment that night which was a five-day course of intravenous steroids to stop the autoimmune reaction and allow my body to recover. In the first dose, I went from not being able to move my foot at all to being able to move it a millimeter. And because it had been so long since I was able to move it, I saw that one millimeter. With every subsequent dose I was able to move more and more. 

Everything happened so fast and your body’s abilities deteriorated so quickly, how were you mothering through all of this? How did your children respond to what was happening?  

My daughter still had her classes in the masjid and I had errands to run, groceries to buy, doctors appointments I needed to go to either for myself or for my kids, so I couldn't not do anything. But I did have to be more selective about what I was capable of doing. I said no to anything that I didn't NEED to do. I was still going to work and taking care of the things I needed to take care of. 

Alhamdulilah my in-laws helped a lot with the cooking, even if it was just feeding the kids.Whenever they were home they would also take the kids so I could rest from all the pain that I was dealing with. My husband took on a lot of the cooking as well and whatever we didn't cook, we would order out. It was about two months that I didn’t cook because I couldn't. I wasn't able to. 

It was about 3.5-4 weeks between the time I noticed my early symptoms and the time that I ended up in the hospital. My son was two and my daughter was four and I couldn't carry them. I couldn't even go up and down the stairs. My son has physically grown since then but in the beginning of all of this, his legs were barely long enough to get up the stairs and I couldn't carry him. That last week I was home because it was my vacation from work and was going to my doctors appointments and taking my daughter to her Quran class and that was pretty much the only thing that I was capable of doing. Even just going to the Quran class was so fraught with anxiety because I was having so many problems.

The children saw me losing my abilities and they would ask about it. They knew that I was in a lot of pain and they couldn't touch me. Literally, nobody in the house was allowed to touch me because I was in that much pain. My husband would do whatever he could to try and distract them so they wouldn't touch me but their children and they make mistakes. I would try not to scream or shout at them but they would see me wince from the shake of pain if they touched me by accident and right away they would start to apologize. Just someone brushing against my arm was so painful it would make me want to cry.

They knew that I was having trouble walking and my daughter was so helpful. If she saw me struggling to get up the stairs she would say: “Mommy, I’ll carry you.” Or she would offer to carry my bags. Or if she saw that I was having trouble getting out of bed or getting out of a chair, she would ask me what I needed and if she was capable of doing it she would do it for me mashaAllah. She grew up so much in that period. She understood when I said “mommy is sick” or “mommy is in pain” and I didn't want to keep on telling her that, but it was the truth and I had to explain to them why I was having such a hard time.

On one hand I was proud to see the level of emotional maturity that she had but on the other hand I was sad to see that level of maturity in a four-year old. In my mind four-year-olds should kind of be clueless and playing but Alhamdulilah these things are from Allah. We’re all under Allah’s guidance, even our children. And so Allah had guided her to be aware of what my needs were and aware of her abilities to help me when she could, alhamdulilah.

Even my son, at only two, he was also very sensitive to my needs. One day though, like the Friday before I ended up in the hospital, it was the three of us at home and my husband at work. My husband asked if he should take time off and I told him not to because I didn't know what was wrong or how long I was going to be sick. I told him to save his sick days because we didn't know if things were going to get worse and we would really need them. I had to beg him not to use his sick days but he would still call like every hour just to see if I was okay. Sometimes he would come home during his lunch break just to see if I was okay. I was in so much pain at this point that if I wasn't going to the doctor, I spent the whole day in bed. When my husband was home, he would do everything that he could to make home fun for them and to keep the house clean and the laundry done and the kids food eaten and all that stuff. 

But after a few days my son was like, “I don’t want daddy to play with me I want you to play with me.” And he had been begging for weeks for me to play with him. I was feeling guilty that I couldn't play with my son. So on this one day, the day before I ended up in the hospital, I got down on the floor to play with them and I had to actually lift my legs up and put them into place with my hands because I couldn't move them on their own. He would try to sit on my lap and I would try to bare it as long as I could but it was just so painful.

Dealing with all the pain during the acute phase of my symptoms, I was basically mothering with other people’s help. My decline was so steep and so obvious that pretty much the whole family pitched in to help. All that I was really able to do, and I’m not so sure I even did a good job of it, was make a lot of dua to make sure that the kids were fed and that they weren't getting hurt.   

When I was admitted to the hospital, my husband would take the kids to school and either my mom or my husband’s mom would pick them up and keep them until my husband got out of work. I would see the kids about every other day, about 5-6 times total while I was in the hospital. 

How was it for your children to be in the hospital with you and see you in the hospital?

They seemed fine, they didn't seem scared or uneasy. They were happy to see me and I was happy to see them. I missed them. I had never been away from them in that sort of way. And it’s funny because when you’re with your kids day in and day out, you want a break, you want some peace and quiet. But when you’re away from them and its not by choice, you miss them. Just seeing them walk into the room brought tears of joy to my eyes. Its very easy to take your kids for granted when they’re around all the time. 

What was rehabilitation like?

Every day I had four hours of therapy. Two of them were occupational therapy. They teach you how to cook, clean, and do all the other things that enable you to function in your environment. I also had two hours of physical therapy to help make my body stronger.

In the rehabilitation part of the hospital I had to learn how to walk. I had to learn how to shift my weight from the left foot to the right foot. You know how you’re in the grocery store standing in line behind someone with a 1,000 coupons and so you stand on your left foot and when that one gets achy, you shift your weight to your right foot? Well, I had to learn how to do that. And it felt like the floor was a sheet that was sliding under my feet. The sheet would run out and there would be nothing and I would just fall into an abyss. The sensations in my feet and legs were so messed up that just moving from one foot to the other was terrifying because I didn't want to fall and break a hip.

It wasn't like I had lost strength in my legs, my muscle tone and my strength hadn't gone away at all. It was the coordination, getting the muscles to work in the right way together. That was completely out of whack.

It’s not something that a lot of people really think about but just shifting your weight, or walking, or getting in and out of a chair, or stepping over or around something on the floor, you’re not just using major muscle groups, you’re also using smaller stabilizing muscles that pull the whole activity together. I had no control to coordinate those muscles. So the large muscle would be doing one thing and the stabilizer would be doing something different. Or the stabilizer would be working too hard while my large muscles wouldn't be doing anything.

Physical therapy was painful, it was scary, and it was emotionally difficult. But Alhamdulilah everyone was really invested in helping me get better and everyone was really encouraging. So I went from the bed, to the wheelchair, to the walker, to the four-point cane, to the single point cane. 

How long did it take you to recover?

From the bed to the cane it took about 6 days and for me to be able to fully walk and resume regular activities, it took about 4 weeks. But I still used the cane for about a month after getting out of the hospital because I was still limping. So it took about a month after leaving the hospital for my walking to return to normal. 

About 4 days after leaving the hospital I started going back to the gym. Getting back on the bike really helped me to get my walking back in order because of the repetition of the motion. A lot of physical therapy is getting the brain to reconnect with the body and the repetition helps with that. All of the instructors at the gym were eager in helping me to modify the exercises for what I could handle. So after getting out of the hospital, the gym was the centerpiece in getting my physical health back. 

How were you praying during your time in the hospital?

I was praying either from the bed or from the chair. For wudu, I would have someone bring me a basin of water. Especially washing my feet, I couldn't stand on either of my legs without falling so you improvise. I had to combine the prayers because I couldn't keep myself clean and it was such a big production just to make wudu. So I would pray fajr, then I would pray dhuhr and asr together, and then pray maghrib and ishaa together. 

SubhanAllah. I didn't sleep well in the hospital. Either it would be too hot or too cold or because of the drugs that I was on, I was peeing all the time. Because of the medication I was literally getting up every 35 minutes to go pee. And it wasn't just a few drops, I was peeing in volume and it was an emergency. Many times I couldn't make it to the bathroom without making a mess.

I was waking up super early, before Fajr. And in my mind I thought, “well why even bother going back to bed because I’m just going to have to wake up again to pee, so let me just wait for fajr.” So I would make ithkaar and I would make duaa but more than that, I was making a lot of istighfar.

One of the things that dawned on me was what the emergency room doctor told me. She said: “You know, it could be a lot worse. I could have told you that you had a brain tumor and you only have six weeks to live so say your goodbyes. But that’s not the kind of disease that you have.” And when she said that, honestly, it made me cry more because I’m over here crying because I can’t walk and I’m not sure if I can ever walk again but at least I have the opportunity to make istighfar. And after like a good 45 minutes of boohoo crying it occurred to me the ayah in Suratal Baqarah where Allah is talking about the patient and He says, “when a  disaster or a calamity befalls them, they say ‘inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon’ (from Allah we come and to Allah we return). They’re patient. And Allah will bestow on them blessings and mercy as a result of their patience. 

But patience is in the moment. It’s not 45 minutes later. So I was sad because I knew I had lost a really prime opportunity to display patience and to show my Lord that I was submitting to whatever He decreed for me. I was sad that I blew that chance. So I told myself that I wasn't going to allow opportunities like that to miss me again. 

Beautiful Reminders: Women Are Like a Rib

In an authentic hadith, the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, advised the men: 
"He who believes in Allah and the Hereafter, if he witnesses any matter should talk in good terms about it or remain quiet. Act kindly towards women, for women was created from a rib, and the most crooked part of the rib is its top. If you attempt to straighten it, you will break it, and if you leave it, its crookedness will remain there. So act kindly towards women." 

In another narration:
"Woman is like a rib. When you attempt to straighten it, you would break it. And if you leave her alone you would benefit by her, and crookedness will remain in her." 

And in another narration: 
"Woman has been created from a rib and will in no way be straightened for you; so if you wish to benefit by her, benefit by her while crookedness remains in her. And if you attempt to straighten her, you will break her, and breaking her is divorcing her." 

--All three hadiths are related by Abu Hurayrah and recorded in the collection of Sahih Muslim. 

Umm Samar on Parenting Through Divorce

Umm Samar is a Norwegian-Palestinian mother of one, currently living in New Jersey, USA. She is a Language Arts teacher and an active member of her local masjid, volunteering her time to graphic design, photography, the Youth Committee, and the Women’s Volleyball team.

At what point in your marriage did you realize that divorce might be a necessary option for you?  Within the first couple of months I was concerned about the future of the marriage and within the first two years, seriously contemplated divorced. But I remained in the marriage for five years.

Before you actually got divorced, what were some of the concerns/fears that you had regarding the possibility of having to be a single Muslim mom?  

My main concern was being independent financially. I was a stay-at-home mom and housewife for five years and going back to work and maintaining a household for my daughter and I was my biggest worry.

When the time came, how did you explain the situation to your daughter and how did she react to/deal with the idea of divorce?

My daughter was very young at the time, only 3 years old, so I did not really discuss much with her other than telling her that both of her parents love her and that for us all to be happy and healthy, living separately was the best thing for us.

What was your transition from married mom to single mom like?

The transition was smoother than expected by the will of Allah, Alhamdulillah. The compromise of not being with my daughter was the most difficult for me. Feeling lonely at the times she would visit her father were difficult.

Though with hardship comes ease. I started using the free time in which my daughter was away from me to focus on reading and learning about my deen. The time I spent alone, though very dark at times, has proven to strengthen my relationship with Allah. This time I have used to do necessary reflection needed for my own spiritual, mental and emotional health Alhamdulillah.

I have full custody however, we have agreed on unlimited visitation which has ended up being weekends. I make all the parenting decisions independently and only seek the guidance of Allah in my decisions. Having strong ties and involvement with my masjid and community has proven to help improve our spiritual and emotional health as a family. My daughter’s father is also very involved in the masjid he attends mashaAllah. This involvement has been beneficial in making up the missed family unit socially.

Unfortunately many Muslims, men and women, face stigma from their communities when people learn that they are divorced. Have you ever faced stigma for being divorced? Or your daughter for being raised in a one-parent household? If so, how did you deal with these experiences?

Honestly, Alhamdulillah we have not experienced these issues.

How has parenting through a divorce affected your relationship with Allah?

The time I spent alone was very dark at times and during this time I have been able to seek a deeper relationship with Allah. Reading and seeking Islamic knowledge has not only improved my relationship with Allah but all of my relationships including my own relationship with myself.

It has brought me self confidence where it lacked, guidance in my affairs, and contentment in my heart knowing I am never alone because everything I experience, Allah is watching me experience it. The hardships and trials I have experienced have painfully taught me to have tawakkul on Allah and to rely on Him with all my matters when I previously suffered through anxiety. 

When parenting times get tough, from where do you seek help and inspiration?

Quran! I read about the trials of the Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and know that with every situation there is a solution within the Quran. I read the stories of other Prophets and the companions of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

I seek inspiration from their suffering and there lies my answers. Examples I often reflect on are the stories of Musa, alayhi salaam, Yusuf, alayhi salaam, Omar ibn al Khattab, radiAllahu anhu, and Asiya, radiAllahu anha.

I look at those around me whose suffering is greater than my own. I make dua and seek knowledge of my deen. I find my greatest source of confidence comes from worshipping Allah and seeking knowledge. I look for inspiration in all things, like Allah’s creation and I reflect. During hardships, I reflect.

I make istighfar (asking forgiveness from Allah).

What advice do you have for other Muslim moms who may be going through a divorce?

My best advice for anything is to seek help through patience, prayer and gratitude. I try to live by the philosophy to, “show forgiveness, speak for justice and avoid the ignorant (Quran, 7:199).”

Forgive others, also for yourself, so you release the pain they caused and so Allah can forgive you as you have forgiven others. Speak for justice which is an amana (a trust) not only for others but also for yourself. Avoid the ignorant and do not become one of them.

Make sincere dua and constantly renew your intentions for the sake of Allah. Be in a constant state of making istighfar. Heal yourself by doing deep reflection of your own heart and experiences. Have faith in Allah’s qadr. Know that whatever Allah has for you is better than what you can ask for yourself. Know that His mercy is greater than your own mother’s mercy for you or your mercy for your own children. Know that if Allah took something away from you that He will replace it with something better. Make dua for others. Learn about your deen and know the rewards for different acts of worship.

Know that if you show gratitude Allah will increase you where you need to be increased. Know the names and attributes of Allah and call on Him by them in the things you ask Him for.  Know that if you take a step towards Allah, He will take 10 steps towards you; if you walk to Him, He will run to you. 

Beautiful Reminders: The Greatest Joy

In a Sahih Hadith recorded by Muslim, the Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, was reported to have said (translation): 

"This world is all temporary conveniences, and the greatest joy in this life is a righteous wife."