Spiritually Defining Memories

I loved the article by Neil L Anderson from General Conference April 2020. 

"When personal difficulties or world conditions beyond our control darken our path, the spiritually defining memories from our book of life are like luminous stones that help brighten the road ahead."

It made me think of a few of those moments in my life -- all very simple but very meaningful and important to me.

• The night before Beki Wale Wall died. I was in High School the fall Beki got very sick and was in the hospital, and we knew she wouldn't make it. One night I was at piano lessons with Mr. Eddings, and suddenly a huge wave of emotion came over me. I knew I had to leave, and I knew things weren't good -- I think it was the first time in my life that I ever had a feeling of emotion and of the Spirit like that. As soon as my lesson was over, I headed straight to the hospital. Things weren't good. Beki would soon be passing away. I remember going into the bathroom and in a stall just crying. My heart ached, and again for the first time in my life, I prayed in a pleading way. I wanted everything to be ok. I knew as I stood in there, crying that Heavenly Father knew me. He had let me know at piano what the situation was like at the hospital. I don't really know how to describe how I felt other than I knew He was aware of the sadness I was feeling for my brother and for Beki and everyone. And it helped just knowing He knew.

• BYU Hawaii. After my freshman year, I went to BYU Hawaii for Spring Term. It was fabulous! I loved it! I could write forever about it! Because I was taking Physical Science, Tennis, Surfing, and Hula I decided I should make a spiritual goal as well. I committed to reading the Book of Mormon while I was there for 2 months. I will never forget reading 3 Nephi in my bed one night. As I read about the Savior showing himself to the people, I felt peace and calm, and a warmth come over me. I knew it was true. I knew our Savior was real. I knew the Book of Mormon was testifying of him. I can't ever forget that or deny the testimony I received that night.

• After I'd been married about 1 year, I was sitting in the temple waiting to go into the Celestial room. I was just sitting there thinking -- nothing too spiritual or profound. Suddenly a thought popped into my head. "Stephanie, you aren't going to have children for a while." It startled me. I wasn't even thinking about kids at the moment. We weren't trying, but we weren't not trying. As we all know, Lauren was born almost  7 1/2 years after we got married. So many times during that period, I went back to that thought, and it gave me such comfort. Long before I was worried about not being able to start a family, Heavenly Father gave me that thought. He let me know it was all part of a plan. That I wasn't being ignored. Knowing (even though I didn't really understand) that Heavenly Father knew what was going to happen made the ups and downs and pains and concerns a little easier to deal with and made me know I was still cared for and was not forgotten.

• After being married about 2 years and not getting pregnant, I saw a Dr., and he gave me a fertility pill. The first month I took it, I got pregnant! Yay! This was going to be the best! I would be able to pick exactly when I would get pregnant, and the little bit of stress I was starting to feel was gone. I was pregnant and would be due March of the following year. I was so excited but so sick!!! I was nauseated 24/7. Ick!!! But knowing that it would result in what we had been waiting for made it ok. Even helped the fact that our Lake Powell trip that summer was a little rough with being sick and Dave not wanting me to ski or do much. That excitement all ended in August one night when I started spotting and ended up with a painful, long miscarriage. Physically I had no idea what was happening. I didn't realize I'd have labor pains and all of the physical trauma that went with it. After I finally had to have a DNC in the emergency room, I was physically and emotionally spent. And I was devastated! Terri was pregnant as well and due just a few weeks before me. I was so excited to be having a baby with a cousin the same age. I didn't also realize the hormones that would be raging inside of me. I went home and stayed with my parents for a few days so my mom could be with me. But sadness, loneliness, anger, and depression all started looming. I just wanted to cry all of the time. Finally, one evening I was alone in our apartment and so so sad. I can't explain it. I got on my knees and just prayed and prayed. I told Heavenly Father I couldn't feel like this anymore. As I was praying, a thought or voice or something came to my head and said: "Stephanie, I Love You!" A complete peace came over me. I knew that Heavenly Father and my Savior knew me. They knew my name. They knew my heart. They knew my pain. And somehow that changed everything for me. Again, it was ok that life was going as planned because I was loved and cared for a known!

• When my mom was in the hospital for about 3 weeks before she died, she was in a lot of pain. We knew she wasn't doing well, but I don't think I knew that she would die so quickly. We hadn't really talked about death yet. One night I was with her in her room, and she asked me to read to her from her scriptures. She was in Alma 40. I began reading, and it was so painful for me. It was talking about death. I didn't want to say the words out loud. I read Alma 40:11-12. It literally was breaking my heart to read these words
• 11 Now, concerning the ^astate of the soul between ^bdeath and the resurrection—Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are ^ctaken ^dhome to that God who gave them life.
• 12 And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called ^bparadise, a state of rest, a state of ^cpeace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.
• But after I read those 2 verses, she asked me to reread them. So I reread them. And I think she asked me to read them one more time. As I read them to her, I could see a calm and comfort come over her. At that moment, she knew, and I knew she would be dying soon. But the peace of those words was amazing.. happiness, paradise, and peace. I believe those words gave her the courage to face what she was facing and helped remind her of the blessing she was about to receive. And it definitely helped me feel peace about where she was, that Heavenly Father knew we both needed to hear those words that night. And our Savior and our Heavenly Father were both very aware of both me and my mom. And once again I couldn't deny the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon.

• I'm not the best and listening and getting answers to prayers -- I guess I just don't listen well and know how to hear. It's always been a struggle for me. But every once in a while I do, and I LOVE IT! When I was in YW I learned that I would often receive answers early in the morning when I would wake up. If I had thoughts, I realized they were usually from the Spirit. But one of the most profound experiences I had of hearing an answer to prayer was so the most profound I had. When Kenzi and I were getting ready to go to France I kept all of our paperwork and passports together in a folder. I told her if we ever used them, we needed to put them right back. A few months before we left, Kenzi lost her license and needed to get a new one. We took her passport and other documents and put them in a big brown envelope and took them to get her license and then filed them away -- not remembering her passport was in there. The night before we were leaving for France, I went to get our passports so I could check us in on the plane. I opened the folder, and Kenzi's passport was gone. My stomach dropped, and I was sick to my stomach. No passport -- not travel. Kenz had run to the store, so I called her to ask if she knew where it was. I couldn't believe that after over a year of prep, we might not be going to France. Kenzi had no idea where it was, and we were both just devastated. I told her to quickly come home so we could look. After I hung up, I said a prayer. A totally clear picture popped in my head. I saw the envelope, I remembered taking it to Farmington to get Kenzi's license an I knew exactly where I had filed it away. I walked straight to the drawer, found the envelope, and got the passport. So many times since then, I remind myself that Heavenly and out Savior know us, They are there, they can help!

Chemo, cancer and corona ... Oh my!

I've been so bad for several years at keeping my journal. I've convinced myself that chatbooks are the same.

But with the current chemo, cancer and covid19 "stuff" I decided I need to start writing my thoughts and feelings again ... someplace. And since I lose notebooks by the dozen I guess this is the best place to do it.

I've really loved the Sacrament over the past few weeks. It feels so personal and just like it is for me! Today we did a "zoom" sacrament meeting with Kenzi (quarantined) at the cabin with Dave and Cam. It reminded me that we worship because it is personal and meaningful, not because it is something we do at "church." Don't get me wrong -- I missed going to church and seeing people and feeling a part of something bigger, but when Dave and Cameron bless the sacrament just for us it feels like the Savior is right here with us.

I can never catch up in one sitting, but I have to say -- I am one lucky person! I feel so much love. Everyone should know what it feels like to have cancer (or potentially terminal illness) and see how much people love them. It is overwhelming to receive notes and texts and flowers and prayers and fasting and meals and treats and signs ... and to have people constantly tell you how much they love you and what you mean to them. I think we all know how much our family and friends mean to us, but we don't take the time out always to show that and say that. And with cancer ... people do that!

This afternoon Kerri and Scott brought me lunch. They sanitized it -- I took it in the house and put it on paper plates and they sat on the front porch and I ate in the house. We chatted and laughed and they did push ups! I just sat there thinking how happy my mom would be to know that her grandkids are taking care of me. And loving me. I know she wishes she could be here to do all of these things, but she isn't. But other people are here. Taking care of me. It made me think how happy my Heavenly Father and Savior are that people are here, making me feel no so alone and feel so loved. Just like they want me to feel!

I can honestly say that overall, cancer has probably brought me more blessings in my life than it has taken away. It's opened my eyes and my heart and has provided me with love and peace so many times!

A perfect day ... or two!

Kenzi leaves on her mission in 24 hours. Exactly 24 hours from now she will be "leaving on a jet plane" for Mexico. I couldn't be more excited for her. The one regret I have is that I didn't serve a mission and so I've always felt so supportive for her as she has grown up and said she wants to go.

But it's hard. Harder than I would have ever imagined!

Gratefully the last few days (really the last week and month has been perfect). We've been spending as much time as possible together. We had a perfect memorial weekend with my cute little family and Kenzi's friends. Lauren and Kenzi and Cameron have had sleepovers and drink runs and top golf and movie nights and game nights. We've done temple trips and dinners. I'm just trying to soak it all in.
And Lauren got engaged. A perfect engagement to a wonderful person!!!

Kenzi had her farewell yesterday and it really was perfect. She shared the most beautiful testimony and sang with Shaun and Katie accompanying her -- like an angel. You could feel the spirit so tangibly.

We had family and friends come and join us! We felt the warmth and strength and love of so many!

Can I freeze time!??! Can I stop everything right here and now?!?!

Parable of the Bass Clarinet

In September Cam got a new bass clarinet from school. $2200 to be precise. He'd had an old, warn out one for a year.

The teacher "threatened their lives" if they didn't take care of it.

It was beautiful!

We had it for 24 hours ... and you know where this is going.

Yup!

Broken!

In half!

He was practicing in the kitchen and I asked him to come in to FHE. (So much for the blessings of FHE ha ha).

Unfortunately instead of laying it on the table or putting it away, he leaned it against the railing on the floor.

Still have no idea how this happened but it got caught on the railing and fell off the stairs and broke in half.

Oh my -- weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth doesn't quite describe the reaction from Cam with enough emotion.

(To shorten the story no the school didn't have insurance which I wish they had told us and because I didn't specifically tell our homeowners they wouldn't cover it either.)

Hours later I went down to talk to Cam who was in bed -- still very sad.

At the time we were planning our Christmas trip to Hawaii. He said he was so sorry and that he would just stay home from Hawaii because that is about how much everything would cost for him. My heart just broke for his sweetness.

I told him that this is a lot like the atonement. He broke something. In this case not intentionally, but out of carelessness. He can't repair it. He doesn't have the money to pay for it. He can't fix this by himself.

But dad and I can. Not that we have $2000 laying around with nothing to do with it. But we can help him. He can pay for part and we can pay for the rest. Together we can repay the school. It won't be painless for any of us. He needs to talk to his teacher and tell him. He will have to use his summer lawnmowing money to pay for a part of it. But together we will take care of it. The world won't end and we will make it right.

Every day that is the case for all of us. We do stuff, intentionally or unintentionally. We can't fix it on our own. We feel sorrow and pain, but we can't fix it on our own. But our Savior can and will. He feels the pain of it like we do, but He can fix it!

A scripture saves the day ... again!

I've set a goal to go to the temple once a week this year. So far... so good!

It is the one place that I can always feel peace and quit worrying and get perspective.

But yesterday I was in a funk. Not just about cancer, but life and a few things that I don't plan to share in my journal here or probIem.

When I first got to the temple I was feeling good and feeling the spirit. And then I started thinking about my cancer and kids and some of this other personal "stuff" that often weighs me down more than cancer actually.

It doesn't seem fair. It makes me feel like a failure. It makes me feel like maybe answers I thought I got weren't really answers, but what I wanted to hear. Honestly all of it sometimes makes me wonder if I have the ability at all to really know what I should do.

It was lovely being there but I definitely wasn't feeling it as I left. I know I'm loved by so many people and I feel Heavenly Father and the Savior so many times. But honestly because some of the sadness in my heart is so personal and hurts sometimes it makes me feel very sad and alone. 

So I decided to sit in the lobby and read some scriptures for a bit. I sat down and grabbed a triple combination. It was opened to D&C 6. Ok ... so it was exactly what I needed to hear and read. 

14 Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time.

15 Behold, thou knowest that thou hast inquired of me and I did enlighten thy mind; and now I tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of truth;

16 Yea, I tell thee, that thou mayest know that there is none else save God that knowest thy thoughts and the intents of thy heart.

17 I tell thee these things as a witness unto thee—that the words or the work which thou hast been writing are true.

18 Therefore be diligent; stand by my servant Joseph, faithfully, in whatsoever difficult circumstances he may be for the word’s sake.

19 Admonish him in his faults, and also receive admonition of him. Be patient; be sober; be temperate; have patience, faith, hope and charity.

20 Behold, thou art Oliver, and I have spoken unto thee because of thy desires; therefore treasure up these words in thy heart. Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in the arms of my love.

21 Behold, I am Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I am the same that came unto mine own, and mine own received me not. I am the light which shineth in darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not.

22 Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things.

23 Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?

24 And now, behold, you have received a witness; for if I have told you things which no man knoweth have you not received a witness?

Learning to live with a bomb about to go off!

Well by CA 125 is up again. MRI came back with nothing concerning, but CA 125 went up again almost another 20 points. At almost 100 now.

CT Scan scheduled for March.

In the meantime I kind of feel like I'm walking around with someone holding a gun to my head. Just waiting for them to pull the trigger. Morbid I know -- but it is something I'm having to learn to live with. And just enjoy the day to day and not worry about the future.

Easier said than done -- but it is true!

One and Done... No! Two and through ... I guess not!

My numbers really never dropped very good through chemo last year. They slowly dropped until about April or May and then started rising.

That should have been my first clue.

When I started on the awful PARP inhibitor in August I prayed that would help. Even though I was tired and nauseas and miserable I thought it would be worth it if it would work. Dropping dosages 3 times and 4 months later I feel good. I feel really good. But apparently my insides are doing something different.

My numbers keep creeping up (some months jumping up) and a CT and a biopsy that came back negative aren't giving the answers.

I met with Dr Z last week and she does feel a lymph node/lump in my groin area. Because it doesn't appear to be where they did the biopsy or where the scan showed it, she isn't sure what to think. But my CA 125 jumped aother 18 points so we know there is something going on.

For now here is the plan.

January 22: MRI
If it shows what she feels possibly do surgery to remove it.
If it is cancer, probably start chemo.

Really? Really? Really? 

How many times can I fool myself in my head to think that maybe, just maybe this time will be the las. My awesome trip to Hawaii was awesome! I loved it! I didn't think of cancer much at all! I felt good and was so happy to be in paradise with family!

But I knew in the back of my head it wouldn't last.

I had a very blunt conversation with the incredible Dr. Z.

Wac-a-Mole

This is what we will do. Play human Wac-a-Tumor.

Hopefully if this is a tumor we can remove and keep another one coming back for a while. And the do it for another one. And another.

Part of me wants to cry.
Part of me wants to feel sorry for myself.
Part of me knows everyone has hard things in their lives and I don't have the corner on difficulty.
Part of me knows in the long, long, eternal run it will all be ok.
Part of me thinks I can do this again.
All of me doesn't quite know what to do!

So when I think about it I have a couple of solutions. I'm going to go to the temple once a week. I need that extra peace and I love it there! I'm going to go see a counselor. I need to process this and deal with it in a positive way.

And I'm going to start writing in my blog again. Writing my thoughts for me is therapy. I feel bad that Jen and Dave and my awesome friends have to listen to my latest update and my news and my worries and fears. I know they don't mind, but I hate doing it.

So hopefully expressing it on paper will help me!

Awkward and Funny Cancer Moment #1, #2 and #3

I preface any "Awkward Cancer Moment" posts with the following:
1.  I'm kind of a morbid/open person.
2.  This blog is for me and my journal and for me to remember, laugh and learn from this whole experience.  If I offend anyone who happens to read it I am sorry, but for me openness and laughter are very healing.

Moment #1:  The weekend before I was diagnosed with cancer I was in Las Vegas with Lauren for a soccer tournament.  We stayed with my handsome nephew Adam and his family on Saturday night.  He is a PA and I was talking to him Sunday morning about my cramps I was having.  I told him I was going to go to a Dr. when I got home and I thought I had either gas, cysts on my ovaries or ovarian cancer.  Of course I was completely joking about Ovarian cancer.  We laughed and he said "I hope it isn't Ovarian cancer cause it is very deadly and I may never see you again."  Ha ha!

Moment #2:  How Did you Tell Dave you Had Cancer?  Like any good wife I texted him.  I know, very selfish of me and as I look back I laugh.  But when I was in having the ultrasound and I could tell by the technician's behavior that I didn't have uterine fibroids -- I knew from a symptom checker it was likely Ovarian cancer.  Little did I know Dave was in the dentist chair getting a shot. Not the best way to share your cancer news.

Almost 30 years later...

Here are my cute BYU Freshman year roommates.  Love, love, love them!!!  We all shared an apartment in Wells Hall.  I knew Anne and Julie from high school -- but Simone and Sue were new to me.  We all lived together until each person got married.

Julie got married after our freshman year, Anne and I went to BYU Hawaii after our freshman year and then she got married our Sophmore year, Simone got married after our after our Sophmore year and then Sue and I were together on and off until I got married 1 1/2 years after I graduated.  (Oh the stories that Sue and I could tell about each other -- she was one of the reasons I made it through college.)

Between us we have 20 kids, 4 grand kids, death of 3 mothers and one dad, one set of divorced parents,  one divorce, a death of a spouse, cancer, a house fire, lots of ups and downs and so much fun!!!

Julie's daughter and Lauren play soccer together so I see her all of the time, and Sue has been one of my chemo buddies this year -- but we all at least try to get together at least once a year.

Thanksgiving 2012 -- California!!

I love Thanksgiving with family!  It really is one of my favorite holidays.

This year we got to enjoy an 8-day trip to California to stay with the Jones', have a great Thanksgiving, go to Disneyland, the beach, hang out at the pool, celebrate Lolo's birthday, wander through the Getty, play game after game, eat a ton, then head to San Diego for Lauren's soccer tournament, enjoy the gorgeous hotel pool and hot tub, eat a ton again (found the best fish taco place ever in La Jolla), see the Sea Lions and just relax!

Ray and Cathy and the Jones are the most accomodating, wonderful people to stay with -- I always feel so relaxed when I leave there.

Lauren's soccer friend Savannah came with us -- we are kind of switching around Thanksgiving tournaments with them -- and she was great.  She had never been to Disnelyand so great Uncle Ray took care of that.

It felt so good -- to feel good enough to be there!

Happy 22nd Anniversary -- Father & Sons -- Meteors Shows oh my!

On the 11th Dave and I celebrated our 22nd Anniversary at Deer Valley.  This year we enjoyed Pink Martini with the symphony -- loved them.  We've actually done this for our anniversary several years and I love the concerts up there.

After we enjoyed a romantic evening at the cabin with the kids, my dad, and Tara/Gavin/Emma.  DAve and Cam had been at Father and Sons at Strawberry so we just met them at the cabin Saturday night.  Despite the current state of the cabin exterior remodeling, we had a fun time sleeping on the deck, Kenzi and I watching the meteor shower at 4am and playing games and relaxing.  We also enjoyed Kenzi's amazing Bendaroos creation.

My OCD ... Ovarian Cancer Diagnosis

I found old drafts -- don't know if I ever published them so I'm publishing all of them now!
**********************

I've decided it is time to make sure I write down the events leading up to and the awful, awful few days when I first found out about my cancer.  It honestly feels like it was years ago, not just 2 months ago.

July 2012:  Starting having night sweats... really bad.  I don't know if this was when it started or if there is any correlation -- it is just the only out of the ordinary thing that I can think of that might be related.

December 2012:  Just a few days before the cruise I woke up with super intense stomach pains.  One morning I was actually up in bed crying it hurt so bad.  Kind of felt like cramps and stomach flu together -- without the sickness.  At the time our house was under contract to be sold, we hadn't found a new house to buy, I was trying to get us ready for the cruise and Christmas.  By 10:00 am ish each morning the cramps would be gone so I didn't think anything about it.  I just assumed it was stress since it would go away each day.

As soon as we got to San Juan and on the cruise the stomach pain went away.  I was sure it had just been stress.

Post Cruise 2012:  When we got home from the cruise I didn't feel great.  I was a little seasick on the cruise and my head was spinning for a week or two after we got home.  Thought it was a bit strange it was taking me so long to feel good again.  After the cruise Jenn had a hysterectomy.  For years they've been worried about cancer for her, and finally decided just to remove everything.  Didn't think one thing about me needing to be worried.

January 2012:  I felt like I had gained weight -- which would make sense with the cruise and Christmas.  I cut way down on eating, made sure I exercised each day and did lots of "ab" workouts.  My stomach area seemed to be getting fat no matter what I did.  I was due for an annual exam and felt like I should go to my obgyn for the exam and not my regular Dr.  Dr. Brown is wonderful but she books out about a year for a check-up.

January 25:  Woke up in the night and my stonach was as hard as a rock.  It felt like a cramp that wouldn't loosen up.  It didn't really hurt -- just felt abnormal.  I woke Dave up and had him feel it.  It definitely was hard as a rock.  We decided as soon as I got back from a soccer I'd make sure I made my Dr. appointment for a check up.   Starting looking up symptoms on the internet for what I'd been feeling.  Several things came back including Ovarian Cancer.   Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be that.

January 27 - January 29:  I took Lauren, Savannah and Amanda to a soccer tournament in Las Vegas.  Jenn came with us for company on the drive and stayed with Adam.  We had a great time -- went shopping, to dinner, watched soccer and I even worked out in the hotel gym a few times.  I had started my period and decided the stomach cramps I'd had earlier in the week must have been that.

Saturday night we spent the night with Adam and Stacy.  I was talking to Adam and was telling him when I got home from the trip I was going to see a Dr. for a checkup.  I told him I thought I had a food allergy/gas, fibroid tumors or Ovarian Cancer.  I of course was kidding about the Ovarian Cancer.  We joked about it and how bad it would be if I did have cancer.  Guess it really wasn't that funny afterall.

January 30:  Called Dr. Brown's office for a check-up.  Of course, getting in would be difficult.  They'd put me on a waiting list and when Joyce her nurse (and my friend) got back from a trip they'd have her figure out a time they could work me in.

January 31:  Got a call from Dr. Brown's office.  They had a cancellation that day and if I could be there in an hour I could have the appointment.   Feeling a little stupid and worried I was making a big deal out of nothing, I said yes and made arrangements to get there.

Had my check up and other than my uterus was definitely enlarged (about the size of a 4 month pregnant woman) everything else looked very healthy.  Vaginal exam felt normal and I seemed to be healthy.  Dr. Brown said there was a good chance I had Uterine Fibroids and the only way they would know for sure was to do an ultrasound.  They made an appointment the next day for me to have an ultrasound.

That night I was telling some of the women I serve with in YW about the ultrasound an fibroids.  For some reason I started crying.  I assumed it was just because I was relieved that my "internet search diagnosis" of ovarian cancer was not going to come true.

February 1:

Cam ... Big 12

Favorite food: crab
Favorite movie:
Favorite song:  Hold each other by Great Big World
Favorite thing to do:
Favorite Scripture: John 15:13 greater love hath no man
Favorite Sport: basketball
Nickname: Chito
Inspirational Quotes by Chito

Mourn with those that Mourn ...

One of the blessings of having cancer is seeing how compassionate and good and kind and loving the world and people really are. Meals and texts and tears and cards and flowers and prayers come from so many people and make really tough things possible.

Knowing that this garbage affects my kids and family as much as it does me is the hardest part.

I was reminded this morning that compassion goes such a long way.

I went to the gym to do a yoga class (first class at the rec center in almost a year).  I ran into an old friend and we started talking and told him my cancer was back. This sweet lady next to me overheard and told me how sorry she was. This of course started me off being very teary. After the yoga class was over she looked at me in tears and said how sorry she was for the burden I have to carry and what I must have been through the last year. We sat there on the floor both of us with tears in our eyes. She said she just wanted to reach over and let me know she loved me but thought I might think she was very strange.

Funny thing is I've seen her at the gym for years. I've always admired her kindness and goodness. She is darling and in great shape, but is also so nice to other people and seems so happy.  Now I know why. She is good and kind!  She truly mourns with those that mourn. I want to be more like her and was so touched by her caring and compassion. She doesn't know a thing about me or my family and yet she was exemplifies the person I should be that mourns with those that mourns and comforts those that stand in need of comfort!

Chito ... growing up and teaching me lessons!

Cameron turned 14 last week.  Where has time gone.  He is handsome and smart and kind and sensitive and rubs my feet when I've had chemo, and loves sports and music and Hamilton and fortnite and making cookies and hanging out with friends and hammocking and Harry Potter and playing games.

But I love that he teaches me.

I've been desperately trying to get Cameron Hamilton tickets for his birthday.  He and Kenzi would love to go. I wasn't able to get them when they tickets first came out and now they are overpriced.

On his birthday I told him I wasn't able to get tickets and I was sorry.  His response "Mom why are you focusing on the things we don't have and not the things we do have?"  How did he get so wise.

A couple of months ago Kenzi found out she didn't get the leadership scholarship she wanted at USU.  I was so sad and mad.  She would have been perfect!  And I didn't want her to be sad!  She worked so hard.  And was a finalist among 600+.  Cameron's comment when I was feeeling mad and sad.  Looking at the glass in front of him "Mom is the glass half empty or is it half full?"

I really do appreciate what he teaches me and how he keeps me focused on what matters.  In some ways you are 14 and some ways you are wise beyond your years.

Love you.