WHY? WHY? WHY?

I have tried over and over again to write a blog post about our experience with infertility.  Unfortunately, I was unable to express a lot for the past three years so my blogging has been very minimal…okay I’ll be honest NONEXISTENT.  I have started this infertility post several times before and have never been able to effectively say what I felt I needed too.  Until today.

The emotions of going to through this trial have been so extremely hard.  More than I can put into words.  For the past three years I have struggled to find my purpose because I felt as though it was ripped away from me.  I have struggled to feel my own value.  I didn’t know what to do.  My hope was broken-BROKEN into a million pieces.  I allowed fear to consume me.  I felt lost, confused, sad, lonely, and every emotion you can imagine. 

I tried to make sense of it all for the past three years and have found no reason where I wanted it.  Its like my mind had gone in circles over and over and over again searching for the reason behind this trial.  I never asked out loud “WHY?”  Why do I have to go through this?  Why me? Why can’t I just take the easy road on this one?  WHY?  WHY? WHY? WHY?  WHY? I never did out loud but I realized my mind was craving, even STARVING, for the answer to the WHY question. 

The moment the doctor’s office called us with the test results I was in complete shock.  I felt like it was just a dream and I was having an out of body experience.  I assumed when we told our families that it would be more real…it still wasn’t. I feel like those first two years were shock driven and I was grieving the loss of my dream of having a family and yet I was still chasing the possibility of motherhood through more complicated invasive  procedures or adoption.  It complicated everything so much because the one thing I was trying to accomplish was the very thing that caused my grief!  With every disappointment, bad experience, or hard day the struggle only intensified.  Everything was too overwhelming for me.  The emotions were unbearable at times. 

A lot of people saw the Trisha who was trying to be strong and self motivated-just doing my part in helping our miracle happen.  Some people probably saw the tired and withdrawn Trisha-confused by the many emotions I had and struggling to make sense of everything.  Even fewer people saw the broken Trisha-sobbing on the floor as Jarid held me or Jarid trying to calm me during a severe anxiety attack.  I tried to put my best face forward and hide my sorrows.  I thought I was protecting myself.

However, I learned, that the more I opened up the better I felt.  The more I could handle the stresses of the ups and downs.  Thanks to loving family, friends, coworkers, an amazing counselor, the help of wonderful medical providers I have come to a place of acceptance.  I learned to love my life again for what it is and not become so preoccupied on what I thought it was supposed to be like.  I thought I had to be strong or nothing (and I mean nothing: IVF, adoption, my marriage, my life) would work out, but strength doesn’t mean I must do everything by myself or else I am weak.  Strength is still continuing forward even when you feel weak.  It is to continue to love yourself and others despite weaknesses.   It is not about hiding from your problems but facing them. 

I found my hope again not just in becoming a mother and having a family, but the hope and knowledge within me that I can have a fulfilling life-that there is still a purpose for my life and I am important.  I hope that my story can uplift others.  I am not ashamed of what I have been through or what I am going through.  I am hopeful that it is for my own good and for the good of others that I have experienced such a difficult trial. Finally being able to express my story has been so healing to me.  So what helped me to finally break through?  A song- “Middle of It All” by Debra Stillman.  Listen to the words.  Let them speak to you whatever your situation or trial may be or however hard it seems.  I know how much it can hurt.  Try to remember that there is a purpose to all things.  You are right where you belong even in the middle of it all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GiaCHIJ1-ZQ

 I finally received the WHY and HOW I needed.  Not the WHY or HOW that I started with, but the WHY and HOW Heavenly Father intended me to understand.  Why?  Because I chose this life.  I trusted my Father and Savior enough to say that anything I must bare in this life will all be worth it in the end.  How?  By the grace of God. 

I have no doubt in my mind that Jarid and I will be parents.  Heavenly Father has blessed me with that promise several times though this trial.   One HUGE miracle this year is that we have been chosen by Pound the Pavement for Parenthood to hold a fundraiser for us.  For ME & JARID!  Out of MANY couples that applied we were chosen!  Our story is being written and we would love for you to be a part of it.   There are a few ways you can help and we would appreciate all the help we can get! 

First, Please come be with us at our fundraiser.  The support would mean the world to us.  Register at www.one-step-closer.org

Second, If you can’t come physically feel free to donate if you are able, every little bit counts.  Donate at www.one-step-closer.org

Third, offer your time and energy to help spread the word for our cause by:

Sharing our event on Facebook.  Here is the link to our event:

https://www.facebook.com/events/229372107256660/

And helping us to pass out flyers weekly (days to be determined).  If you are willing please contact us or comment below and I will make sure to contact you.  

Thank you all so much for the support, love, and prayers through this continuing trial.  We are so grateful for all of you and couldn't have done it without you!

Nailed It!

Jarid and I enjoy life despite life's curve balls.  We are constantly having fun together, laughing, and being super silly.  I truly did marry my best friend.  I just had to post these adorable attempts of Jarid impersonating me, with his permission of course.  I think he NAILED IT, what do you think?  

God's Simple Answer

Today as I was sitting in sacrament meeting I was caught up in deep contemplation.  I was curious to know how the family two rows ahead of us felt with their three boys, two of which are physically and mentally handicapped.  I wondered what pain the bishop's wife felt as they announced the recent passing of her father.  I wondered about the the mother sitting behind us who was struggling endlessly with her children, and questioned if the row of single elderly ladies were ever lonely or sad.  Were they all happy with their lives?  I was then drawn to the thoughts of others that have come and gone in my life and their struggles: the loss of a child, a wayward teenager, loneliness, discouragement in  find one's eternal companion, unemployment, serious addictions, financial difficulties, physical or emotional abuse, etc.  I thought to myself: "We all struggle.  That is part of life."  For some reason this simple yet profound impression hit me with great force.  I didn't ask the question "Why do we (I) have to struggle?"  Instead, I found myself asking "Why is it so hard for us to comprehend the need for suffering?"  We all struggle, it is a part of life, and it is okay.  

I assure you I am not writing this to spread my gossip everywhere, or to share what some may see as too personal of experiences, or even appear better or stronger than others around me.  I am simply writing something very personal to me because I have been inspired to do so.  I don't know yet whether this is for me or you, but never the less here it is.  

Jarid and I have been trying to start our family for about a year now.  After months and months of disappointment we decided to visit the doctor.  Last month, after some testing, we found out that Jarid has less than 2% viable sperm, and having children would not be an easy feat for us.  My heart was broken. I knew that we would have to face trails in this life, but I NEVER imagined I would have to face this one.  My shield of ignorance was removed and I felt helpless.  I was in a state of shock and denial which then turned into mourning and fear.  Many other feelings swept over me in such a short period of time it was so difficult to sort through them all.  While we were grateful for the many wonderful friends and family who were loving, supportive, and encouraging,  I still struggled.  I never asked why me, which seems rather odd not to do, but amid the storm there was also a peace unlike any I have ever felt.

Peace is not the absence of trouble, but the presence of Christ.  

After a lot of emotionally filled days and MANY prayers, I knew that no matter what happened my life was in good hands, and if my Father in Heaven felt I needed to pass through this trial then I needed to trust Him.  He has never let me down before, and He knows better than I which paths in life I should take.  I still don't know how or if Jarid and I will have children and we have not given up hope by any means, but I do know that struggling is a part of life and it's okay.  It is okay to feel hurt, lost, afraid, lonely, or sad, for without these feelings we would not be able to comprehend the love, kindness, and peace that our Savior offers.  President Henry B. Erying said, "If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as

the easiest times in life can be a blessing."  We must turn to our Savior in our trials for he suffered to comprehend all things and we must pray to have faith in the things we cannot comprehend. Each day still brings new experiences and feelings, both good and bad, but for now I know "It's okay."

Under Construction No More

Friends & Family

The new Trish&Jarid blogspot is finally available again.  I am very sorry for the inconvenience for the past year of "construction!"  NO we are not dead, and YES I will finally be giving an update on Jarid and I.  A BIG THANKS to Abby Olsen for helping fix the problems I created on my blog!!  YOU ROCK!  Also another BIG THANKS to Emma Vickery for chastising  me for my lack of commitment in updating my blog and her on my life.  

The Johnson Annual Gingerbread Creation-Trailer Park Style!

Every fall near Christmas time the Johnson family gets together and makes a gingerbread house.  This year we decided to use cardboard instead of the normal gingerbread houses, because the structure has increased in size year after year.  I believe my mother-in-law Karen had to 10x the recipe for last years house.  Sounds like a sweet, fun family tradition right?  WRONG!  Well I should say it is sweet because there is lots of candy involved, and it is fun because of all the twisted things you will find in these pictures...they may be disturbing so please don't read any further if you get squeamish by seeing dead cinnamon Santa Clauses.

This is like the book Where is Waldo? and you can find all the different things happening on the page.  Well do you see the car accident killing innocent candy men, dinosaurs eating cinnamon Santa candies, and the only normal pretty thing on the board my beautiful Christmas tree (it is on the lower right)?

T-Rex eating a cinnamon Santa Clause while...how should I put it...going to the bathroom.

 An army of cinnamon Santa Clauses.

Two toy trucks pulling a Santa apart.

If you are still reading, I met Jarid's whole family for the first time while participating in this family tradition.  He said he wanted to make sure I would be able to accept him and like his family for who they are.  Needless to say, I wasn't scared off! 

  

The Love of my Life!!

I call him "Bear" a lot because he is so protective, and yet so cuddly!  Love it!

(I am sure real bears are not as cuddly but you know what I mean.)

He goes golfing with his buddy and this is what he brings back.  

An Unforgettable Trip!

In February Jarid and I traveled down to AZ for the baby blessing of my newest nephew Daniel Dax Davis!

(This picture was taken by my brother-in-law Dustin who is a great photographer just check out http://www.facebook.com/pages/Fat-Lemon-Media/162286437168264 )

We left in the morning right after Jarid got off work, so I got him a little something so he could sleep better....

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

It was a joke though, and I did actually get him a more "manly" mask!  Driving down to AZ wasn't bad at all, and my Grandma Pickett came with us.  We actually got to stop and see one of my cousins, Brad, that I haven't seen since I was a very little girl!  He is now a firefighter, and he took us on a tour of his station and showed us his truck.  

I was happy to arrive in Mesa though, and I missed my family sooo much it was good to see them!!  We spent a few days in Mesa with Tamara, Dustin, and Jenae.  We went to the Zoo with them, and it was so crazy to see how much the kiddos have grown!  I wish we could be closer to see them more frequently!

Andy wrestling the alligator!

The one request from Jarid on this trip was that we eat at a Russian restaurant, so Jarid looked up a few and most of them had closed down.  He found one in Phoenix so we were off.  After about 45 mins of driving and searching for what seemed like a non-existent restaurant we found it, and it too was closed down! All of the Russian restaurants were shut down...hmmm...health code violations??  We ended up eating Indian food with Tamara, Dustin, and Grandma Pickett-it was her first time eating Indian food. 

 We eventually went down to Safford/Thatcher, AZ and got to hold and cuddle baby Daniel!!  OH HE IS SOOO ADORABLE!  We got to see Rachelle and Darren, and a lot of other family!

The funniest part of our entire trip was our hotel room.  We (Jenae my oldest sister, Jarid, and I ) decided to share a hotel room and split the pay, yet when we walked in there was a major problem-one king size bed.  Jenae quickly decided that I would be sleeping in the middle (they would not switch our rooms).  Needless to say, in the morning we all decided NOT to do that ever again for some reason or another!  I think Jarid was the only one who slept semi-well.  

Everything else went well except the trip home. We started Sunday night and were planning on driving through the night.  However, just outside of Page, Arizona I got the flu and started vomiting.  We stopped in Page for the night, and it was awful.  I had no sleep the entire night because I was violently vomiting every 5-30 minutes, and passing out afterward.  I would try to wake Jarid to help me, but he would just pat me on the back for comfort and go back to sleep.  At one point I asked him to get me some Sprite, so he got up like a faithful husband and found himself in the stairwell unsure why he was there.  The poor guy!  Wait what am I saying POOR ME!  By the morning I was delusional and extremely dehydrated, so Jarid by some miracle got me into the car and took me to the ER.  They gave me a lot of medications and fluids.   I kept going in and out of consciousness, and my loving husband extremely worried wouldn't leave my side!  With two full bags of fluids and no urine out put the nurse said I needed fluids badly.  Finally we checked out, and got home.  Unfortunately, the next 3 days I spent in bed.   

Even though I came back with the flu, the trip was worth it to see my family and celebrate baby Daniel and his lucky parents. Congrats Rachelle and Darren Davis!