Week 1 of Internship

Week one is over! Done! =) And what an exhausting week it was. Monday and Tuesday I was terrified. It was basically just training and me getting used to the place. Wednesday was set-up for the big event at Shelburne Farms. Thursday and Friday was the big event! It was the Slow Money Conference. The conference was a lot of fun to cater! Very busy, since there were almost 600 people there. I am just relieved for it to be the weekend. Who knows what will happen? Life is good right now.

Week Off

I'm home for a week! Well, I'm at my parent's house for a week. It just doesn't feel like home. Sadly enough, my dorm does now. That could change. A good chunk of my friends all left for internship. I still have a few friends there luckily. I have to make new ones when the new group comes in... Of course by this time I'll be working at Sugarsnap, and even more of my friends will have left for their internships. It makes me want to cry, the thought of being up there with no friends. My friends pulled me through so much. And if my parent's house isn't home, and if the people who made college home are gone- then what is home? I just don't know anymore.

I came here to escape from drama for a week. That's all school has been for a while now, drama. Unfortunately I forgot that my family has just as much drama. I already can't wait to go back to Montpelier. At least there it's my own drama I'm dealing with and not everyone else's.

I obviously have a huge resistance to change. I always get panicky when a major change is coming. I don't deal with it as well as I could or should. I know I need to learn to accept change, I just don't know how. I get comfortable and I like where I am. Then everything gets turned upside down.

I think that's it for the insightful, thoughtful, meaningful whining. I feel like starting my day soon. I could use a shower, a cute outfit, and of course breakfast. So here is a list of yays and nays going on in my life.

YAY!
Cats cuddling with me while I'm home
Big bed to sleep in
Care packages from friends
Family that loves me
Seeing friends I haven't seen in a while
Music
Warm days

NAY!
Money problems
Budgeting
Boy problems- still
Annoying family drama
A messy bedroom
Panicky feeling in my gut
Songs that make me sad but I listen to anyway

Just to make this into a sandwich of good, bad, good- have you guys seen this video? It is SO cute!

Pieces are Falling into Place

YES! On Thursday I got an email from the place I interviewed at last week for a possible internship. I got it! I will be working at Sugarsnap starting in June. I am so excited! It's exactly what I want. This is like a huge pressure off my shoulders! I even know what I'm doing for housing. It's not ideal, but I'll be staying in the dorms.

I have been busy the last few weeks. I've got a few of my big projects turned in now. Only another two weeks of school! Well, at least until October when I continue into BA program. I can't believe how many of my friends are leaving at the end of the month, I am going to miss them all so much.

I have been doing more than just schoolwork, though. I've been getting community service hours done. Picking up cigarette butts is gross. But so worth not having to pay a bigger fine and not having a mark on my record. I have been hanging out a lot too. Swimming when it decided to be nice out. We had 80 degree days! Then we got more snow. New England weather....

I'm recovering from a nasty cold. I didn't get sick all winter. Why'd I have to get sick now? Ugh. At least I'm getting better. I am actually attending my friends' pig roast today. Can you say YUM? I'll be DDing for it. Whoo hoo babysitting drunk people! I have to say it is very entertaining.

Any way, just a random update on my life. Which I am loving every minute of. I hope everyone is doing well.

Change

It's good, right? I certainly hope so because just about all that's been happening lately is changes.

I am busier than ever now! I have five projects I'm working on (one of those is finding my internship...) on top of weekly homework assignments.

There are only SIX WEEKS of school left. This is terrifying for multiple reasons. One being that I don't have an internship yet. Another being that it means saying goodbye to a lot of friends. And finally that means I only have six weeks to complete my capstone project.

Did I tell you about my capstone project? I'm trying to make NECI a greener school. I'm doing a ton of research about compostable gloves and biodegradable trash bags. I get a headache just thinking about all the research, emails, and phone calls involved in this.

I am planning the next appreciation dinner for the students who are leaving. Well I'm in charge of the front of house aspect of it! They have other people taking care of the food part of it, I'll be consulting with them.

I am planning something for Green Up Day on May 1st. Is this something that only takes place in Vermont? Anyway I'm excited about that.

Did I mention that my fines from getting in trouble for drinking are now officially all paid off? I've been working. Yay money! I still have community service hours, but that shouldn't be too hard.

I have a new roommate. It's my awesome friend Lexie, so I'm really happy about it.

As of last night I have a date on Sunday. I am wicked nervous about it. Did you know I've never been on a date? Seriously. I'm going to the movies with a nice guy, though. As nervous as I am I'm also excited.

One thing that hasn't changed is I still have a great group of friends who I hang out with whenever I'm not (or they're not) doing mass quantities of homework. I love having a social life.

I Love My Friends

I have the greatest friends in the whole world. They know I've been kind of down lately, so guess what they did for me?





I'm not sad anymore, and I don't think I could possibly feel sad at all the rest of my time here at school with friends like this.

Updates: RTT Style

I decided to play along with Random Tuesday Thoughts.



I'm in my nutrition class right now. Not only have I been on my computer the whole time, but I have been answering 50% of the questions the teacher asks. I feel really good about my multi-tasking ability.

As part of our nutrition class we are keeping track of everything we eat. Eye opening? Definitely. Useful? Kind of. I'm working more fruits and vegetables into my diet now, but I don't have a lot of control over what I eat usually. I eat whatever they serve at the cafeteria.

I'm hooked on this website My Life is Average. It's funny and makes me happy. Go there!

I have an appointment with a substance abuse counsellor on Thursday. It's going to cost me $110. This little fuck up is costing me a lot of money. State of Vermont, you have your wish I've realized drinking underage is not worth it. Happy?

We just started cooking on the line yesterday. Every Monday we will be cooking lunch for The Grill. We were all so scared, but it turns out it was pretty easy. And fun! I'm looking forward to next Monday. The only thing is by 7:00 last night I felt like I was gonna die. Being in the kitchen is a lot more physically exhausting that being in a classroom learning the mental side of the restaurant industry.

I fell asleep last night talking to myself. I was doing Suzie's New Moon Cleansing. She said we had to talk, so I was talking. I woke up feeling better, both physically and spiritually. I'm trying to bring the spiritual back into my life. I guess it's a good thing I realized Ostara is on Saturday. I'll figure out how to celebrate.

Speaking of Ostara and spring- it's wicked nice here! I'm starting to think maybe we won't get hit with one more big snow storm before the end of March. I can only hope the warm is here to stay.

I have a nice group of friends here. Every night we usually watch a movie or play outside. Sometimes both. Tonight we're thinking playing outside so we can enjoy the nice weather. I'm loving college. <3

Reconnecting

Today I realized just how disconnected I've become. Suzie posted about the new moon coming up on Monday. Really? I had no clue what phase the moon was in. I haven't since November. I even missed the New Year's Eve Blue Moon! I can't believe I've let myself forget all this. Life got in the way. I've been dealing with a lot of emotional baggage, and on Monday I plan to let it all go.

I am determined to bring the cycles and phases back into my life. Even if I can't do anything, just observing them is important.

So, blog buddies, I am asking you please wish me luck with clearing myself of the emotional baggage that has been keeping me down. Wish me luck with bringing my spirituality back into my life. I can get hugs and encouraging words from my friends here at school, but I still haven't found someone with whom I can talk about the cycles and seasons. I don't want to lose it.

Ooops

Well blog buddies I am only human! And a teenager at that. Everyone messes up, right?

Yesterday 3 friends and I were hanging out in one of their dorm rooms. We were playing Jenga and drinking a little. Someone who doesn't like us apparently knew we had the alcohol and decided to call the cops. They told the cops there was a party going on. Since when does 4 people playing Jenga qualify as a party? Anyway 8 cops showed up to bust our 'party'. The cops were pissed because 8 cops is most of the Montpelier police force and they all came to bust up a game of Jenga. They even told a friend of ours how badly they felt after because they made me and Lexie cry.

We have to pay a fine to the school for drinking on campus. We also have to take a class with the state. After the class this will be wiped off our records. I won't say none of that matters, but it's not the worst of it. The worst for me was telling my parents. They expect so much from me and I've always hated letting them down. I guess disappointing my parents is just a part of growing up. I can't be who they want me to be.

Everyone on campus is pissed that someone narced on us. I mean, why us? There was a girl totally shit-faced and throwing up on the third floor the night before and people get high on campus all the time! We weren't even drunk! I blew a .023, that's like one drink. We're all trying to figure out who the NECI narc is, because that is just not cool. They totally bypassed the RA's and called the cops. What a jerk.

Self-Search Update

I didn't post as much as I had planned last week. Not even close. But schoolwork piled up, and it still kind of is. We're nearing the end of the mod (NECI's term for semester) so all of our final projects are due soon along with the regularly assigned homework. It's a little hectic!

Valentine's Day sucked. I'm not talking about the movie. Although speaking of movies I did see that movie Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief. For anyone who knew anything about Greek Mythology it seemed a little dumbed down. It's based off a book meant for middle schoolers, though, so it has to be expected. It was still a good movie.

Even though I might not be in the mood to write about love like I promised in my last post, I have an update on the self-searching. I asked myself the questions: Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? What do I want to get out of life?
I got these answers. I see them as little goals for myself. =]

•I want to excel in the food/ hospitality industry
•I want to become fluent in at least Spanish
•I want to learn how to dance
•I want to learn to play the harp
•I want to enjoy nature
•I want to eat foods that are fresh and local
•I want to travel
•I want to be self-confident
•I want to own my own restaurant some day
•I want to eventually get married, have children, and settle down

The next step is writing down how I can achieve these goals and then actually following through with them. Example: I want to excel in the food/ hospitality industry. The easiest way to achieve this goal would be to continue my education here at NECI. I need to push myself into taking an internship that challenges me a little. But before I can do this I need to get the paperwork in order! See? It's all about steps. I have to organize and prioritize.

I want to become fluent in Spanish. My Spanish class that I've been taking all mod is ending soon! I'm worried I might forget everything I've learned. In order to continue practicing I am considering buying a Nintendo DS so I can buy the My Spanish Coach game. Does anyone know how well the game works? The cool thing is if it works well for Spanish then I can buy the one for French, which I'd also love to become fluent in. Then I could move on to another language if I wanted. Plus I'd have a Nintendo DS and I could buy some other fun games for it. Tetris anyone?

Time to Re-Evaluate

After Suzie's 'pity party' (Honestly it was more of a liberating rant-fest for women to realize what they want to change in their lives! I urge you to read what people wrote. It's amazing.) and getting some wonderful advice I realized something. I have changed so much lately that I need to re-evaluate who I am and what I want out of life. I don't know anymore! That seems insane to me. This time last year I was so sure of myself and what I wanted.

Now I know that I never knew what I wanted. I knew what other people wanted for me. I was identifying too much with everyone around me, and I was lost. And for the first five months of being here at college I was trying desperately to hang onto that connection I felt because I was afraid. I'm done letting that fear overcome me! I'm going to spend the next two weeks finding myself. I am going to start with who I was trying to be before, then move on to who I am trying to be now.

The reason I'm squashing it all into two weeks? 1) I like deadlines, they help me get things done 2) In two weeks my cousin is going to be leaving for her internship so I'll really be here on my own 3) My third term here will be starting and I will need to start seriously looking for internships

I know that this is a long process and it will never really be over, but I'm making the next two weeks intense! I'll update my progress here on my blog.

Enneagram

Through the years I've taken a lot of personality tests. They've always interested me. I've been on this path of trying to discover who I am for a while I guess. I've done numerology and know what numbers I am. I know my sun sign, my moon sign, and even my rising sign. I've talked about those before, though. One personality test I took that I think is really accurate it the Enneagram Test.


The first time I took it I actually mistyped myself as a 4. It didn't feel right, and only matched me some of the time. I retook the test and was correctly typed as a 9. It even says that some 9's mistype as 4's. After reading the Type Nine description it not only felt right and matched me all of the time, but I had tears in my eyes. The truth hurts. Every now and then I will re-read the Type Nine description and every time I do I will end up crying a little because it puts into words one of the characteristics I am living at the time. It is amazing to find something that makes it make so much sense. I am a Type Nine to a T.

The line that made me cry this morning? "However, what they generally do not have is a sense of really inhabiting themselves—a strong sense of their own identity."

While reading those words this morning I burst into tears. It's so true. I am reading a more in depth description of the Type Nine now, and once again it hurts to read words that cut so deeply.

"As long as Nines are idealizing other people, they will also tend to devalue themselves. It is as though they project all of the qualities that they feel they cannot have onto the idealized other. Strength, self-assertion, poise, self-confidence, and many other positive qualities are perceived as present in the other and lacking in the self."

"Nines typically "solve" the problem of having aggressions by ignoring them out of existence. When Nines inadvertently act aggressively, they simply deny that they have done so. To a certain degree, the peace of average to unhealthy Nines is therefore something of an illusion, a form of willful blindness, a kind of self-deception. They do not realize that to maintain their peace, they have dissociated themselves from themselves—and from reality."

"Connecting with both parents gives at least healthy to average Nines a sense of support and identity because their identity is more or less "given." However, in the process of psychological and spiritual development, Nines may come to see that the identity they have assumed is not who they really are and that they are often dependent on something outside themselves for support."

I've noticed all these aspects about myself before. I know they're there. I want to know what I can do about them. How do I learn how to be my own person after relying on other people to define who I was for 19 years? This test is very useful for pointing out the problems, not so useful for helping you solve them. Right now I am left feeling empty. I've already begun numbing myself from all these unpleasant thoughts.

I am trying to become my own person. I've always been so indecisive. That needs to stop. How much have I missed out on by choosing to ignore what I want and focus on making those around me happy?

Advice?

Okay, well not so much advice as would you be willing to share your opinions? I am trying to form my own opinion on the subject and I would greatly appreciate knowing other people's views.

What is your stance on doing things that you might regret later?

I am having a lot of conflicting emotions and thoughts lately. I desperately need someone to talk to, but the one person who knows the situation is the one person I probably shouldn't talk to about it. No, I take that back- I should talk to them, just not until after I figure some things out.

I asked a teacher what she thought about doing things you might regret. Her response? Think about it more, because that means you might be doing something against what you believe is right. What about when I don't know what I believe is right?

Come to think of it I really respect this teacher, maybe I'll ask if I can talk to her about the situation that is distressing me so much. She would probably understand, and I know she wouldn't talk to anyone else about it. I can't trust any of my peers to not talk about it with others. A sad situation, but true.

I can guarantee that if asked most of my peers would also say that I need to live life to it's fullest and just be happy while I can. But what if that means being hurt later? Not thinking ahead gets you in trouble. But it also prevents you from having fun.

It's taking a lot to not cry right now. My cousin is sitting across the room from me, and I don't even feel comfortable talking to her about this. I need an outside opinion.

A Million Things Running Through My Mind

Homework I could/ should be doing:
•Working on the Fundamentals of Marketing slideshow
•Looking up info for my Taste & Flavor Beverages paper (herbal liqueurs)
•Writing my diario for Espanol
•Writing an editorial about capital punishment (Why is this even an assignment?!)
•Working on the final project for Human Resources
•Reading part 3 of How to Win Friends for Interpersonal Communications
•Reading chapter 10 in the Interpersonal Communications textbook

Other (productive) things I could be doing:
•Coming up with a good argument for the debate I was having with my Human Resources teacher this morning (He doesn’t believe in situational ethics, he says it’s always black or white. I disagree!)
•Reading Setting the Table (this book is so informative! I love it!)
•Studying my Visual Food Lover’s Guide (I’m brushing up on my product ID)
•Writing something cool for the new school paper thing coming out soon

This blog post is proof that I chose to do none of these things. Instead I’m thinking about:
•This stupid cold sore I’ve got
•Worrying about catching this flu that’s going around
•How much longer I’m going to procrastinate before I actually do any of my homework
•If I’ll find anything to do this weekend
•Why I have no money to do anything
•If this guy, Cam, likes me or if he’s just being nice
•If I’d give Cam a chance if he ever did ask me out
•If I like my new haircut or not (I really can’t decide)
•How unhealthy I’ve been eating
•That I haven’t been exercising at all
•That I haven’t been keeping up with everyone’s blogs (sorry!)
•That I still haven’t written that email to Emma yet (sorry Bet!)
•That I said I was going to be social, but even though I’ve had every night free I’ve been a lame-o sitting in my room by myself because I’m too chicken
•How happy I am that I think I can finally be just friends with Aaron ((aka that guy) I mean there’s no avoiding him. I see him all the time! Friendship is a lot less awkward and sad.)
•That I want to smash my laptop with a hammer because it is a POS

Yeah. I have a lot of stuff running through my mind. Not quite a million things, but a lot. Sometimes I wonder why I can’t just turn my brain off.

Update:

Here are the pictures of my new haircut! I don't think I like it down, but I definitely like it up. It came out shorter than I wanted. =/

Getting a Life

Hello world! Are you still there? I'm so relieved, we just finished a major group project tonight, and it's getting passed in tomorrow morning. Then I am never thinking about it again. Ever.

I baked cupcakes this morning! I had a ton of fun decorating them. I think they came out pretty awesome. I'm going to bring some of them to class tomorrow to share with my blockmates in celebration of finishing the project.




My weekend was interesting... Saturday morning I drove home, and I am ashamed to say I got pulled over for speeding on the highway. From this I learned basically to do the opposite of whatever my cousin does. She is the one who taught me to drive on the highway and since she did 80 all the time I naturally assumed it was alright. Wrong! She has copdar, I do not. Luckily I got off with a written warning. It scared the crap out of me, and I learned my lesson. No more going fast.

Saturday night I was social! I went with my cousin to a party at her friend's house. I also hung out with Amy and we learned how to play Risk. Hooray! Risk is way more fun than Monopoly by the way. I also went out and got my hair cut. It's shorter than I wanted it to be, but it works. I also got some new clothes.

New haircut? New clothes? Being social? What is this? I like it. I am committing to this idea of me doing stuff. Like making friends. Why is this so much harder than it sounds?

Speaking of friends- I am working on not liking that guy anymore, because I really would still like to be friends with him. This is really hard, but I'm going to do it. It probably doesn't help that every other song I hear is a love song. That's what I get for liking country music. It really isn't the kind of music you listen to when you want to feel better!

Better Day

Thanks everyone for all the supportive comments! They mean a lot to me.

Fifteen minutes until dinner (which will hopefully be edible since I am hungry), procrastinating on homework until after I eat... so here I am writing a blog post for all of you! Even though I really don't have much to talk about. My days are apparently fluctuating between good and bad. After my Sunday morning meltdown Sunday afternoon was good, Monday was good, Tuesday was just not a good day! It was stressful and emotional. I still haven't talked to him yet, and I know I need to. For me the worst thing I have realized is that even after all this, I still like him. Almost everything about him. And not just him, but who I was around him. He brought out the best in me. He made me confident and social. He made me want to excel in this industry and do better and learn more. My friends of course keep telling me that I need to learn how to bring these things out in myself. Which I know is true! It's just so hard, after not having any confidence in myself for 19 years. I have been telling myself "You suck, you can't do this, you can't do anything." For 19 years. It's like every time someone told me I could do something, or that I was good at something I seemed to shrug it off and forget that they can see what I can't in myself.

Today was a better day. I expressed the doubt I was feeling about myself being able to do well in this program to a teacher and he told me I was wrong. He told me that I could do not only this program, but that I could do the BA program as well. 'I know it,' he said. The difference this time was... I believed him. I am now considering the BA program. I need to look more into it, but I am definitely considering it! I'm finding my confidence. This has made my day. :)

Update: it's been a long time since I've participated in Wishcasting Wednesday! I found it again through a retweet. So I think I'm gonna wish. Jamie asks us How do you wish to shine?

I wish to shine with confidence all on my own. From the inside out.

Show and Tell- With Updates

Early Happy New Year to everyone! Tomorrow I'll be heading back home to celebrate. I didn't plan to go back home this weekend, but my cousin needs help moving. Besides, I still have no real friends up here.

Today my cousin and I were downtown getting lunch and we stopped into this cool little store. The have a lot of interesting things there, most of them made of different types of stone. As a gift, my cousin told me to pick out one of the pendulums I have been eying for months but never bought. I picked out this beauty.


I love it! I have been playing around with it since I got it. I think I have finally found my favorite divination tool. As much as I like that tarot deck I got, tarot is a bit difficult for me.

I wish I could say that things have been going well, but they haven't. One of my classes completely depresses me every time I have it. Everything this teacher tells us is telling me I don't have what it takes to make it in this field. That I just shouldn't be here. It feeds my doubts and fears. It's all I can do to not cry in the middle of class. I don't know what to do about it.

I have also just been down in general. As much as I really hate saying it, it was because of that boy I like. It makes me angry that I let something so stupid hurt me so much. It was definitely not a good experience for me. I opened up to someone and ended up hurt. Hopefully I can just learn something from it and move on.

The cherry on top is this stubborn cold I have. I'd really just like it to go away so I can try to have some fun this weekend. Or not, you know, whatever works for the rest of the universe.

Wow! Sorry to be such a downer. I'm going to shower and take some NyQuil.

Back To School

I'll be heading back to Montpelier in a few hours. I am riding up with my cousin because my car is in the shop. Something is wrong with the windshield wiper gears. It's a part that is going to cost over $100. That, plus the oil change and the inspection is going to cost me about $250! I am just lucky my cousin can bring me back up to school, no way I can drive around in the middle of winter without windshield wipers.

I am really glad to be going back to school. I love my family, but they drive me insane. A week home is more than enough. Especially with all this stress from moving into a new house and the holidays. I think I am going to come home less often. I feel as if I am missing out on something by not being on campus during the weekends. Plus it will give me a chance to be a bit more focused. When I'm home I don't have the chance to do homework if I have any.

I hope everyone had a happy holiday! We had a great time both Christmas Day and Christmas Eve. Lots of food, family, and laughs. My two big gifts were a GPS and an iPod adaptor for my car. Both of which I can't use until I get my car back! xD

Here's to hoping that things are a lot less complicated when I get back to school. It's unlikely, but I can hope. I'm sorry I have been posting so rarely!

End of Week Update

I am still loving my classes! Most of them are a ton of fun. I'm still working on trying to figure out a method for all the homework, especially the readings I have to do. I can't read the chapters two days before class and still remember them, but I hate procrastinating.

I am planning on celebrating my birthday this weekend! Technically it isn't until Monday, but I have plans for pizza and a movie to celebrate. That's if I ever get home! We got hit with at least a foot of snow in the past 3 days, and it's still coming. The road conditions are terrible and because I am such an inexperienced driver I do not plan to put myself in a situation where I could get into an accident. I am hearing stories from classmates about accidents on the highways, being pushed into a guardrail from the strong winds, and a half hour drive taking 1 1/2 hours. No thanks!!

My parents are moving into the new house this weekend. I'd like to be there to help them with it all. Although I really hate packing and moving and it can only be worse in the snow. So if the weather didn't clear up and I couldn't get home this weekend I probably wouldn't cry about it. I've heard the weather is supposed to clear up tomorrow morning, so if it does I can head out then.

If you've been following me on Twitter you can see that I have been confused and nervous and you may have even induced that it is due to some boy issues. I'm not going to talk about it, but I'll just say that I'm taking things as they come right now.

My stomach is growling so I am going to go and hope that the cafeteria has something edible for lunch. I went out to eat at The Grill and had a kick-ass burger and fries yesterday!

Thanksgiving Week Schedule

Hello from New Hampshire! I skipped out on the knowledge bowl, awards ceremony and whatever other fun stuff they had planned for us today up at NECI. I'm home now and I have a busy schedule. My parents gave me money and I need to go grocery shopping today to get food for Thanksgiving. Tomorrow I am going to be doing some pre-Thanksgiving cooking. (The rolls and desserts.) Then Thursday is actually Thanksgiving and I'll be helping my mom cook while watching movies and playing games with my sister and my friend who's coming over. I like the running around. I love the fact that I'm going to be with the people I care about. There's just something about this time of the year that makes me want to be home, cooking, eating, and hanging out.

My computer does not connect to the internet when I'm at home. My only comment about that is "WTH?!" I don't get it... Whatever, I am using my mom's laptop. I don't think I'll be on much at all with everything I'm going to be doing anyway. So I'm just going to say early Happy Thanksgiving! Plan on my next post being the day after Thanksgiving with pictures of what we end up eating. Plan on that being later in the day because I finally get to go shopping with my mom on Black Friday! I've been begging her to let me go with her for years.

Sorry For The Mess, My Brain Exploded

So here's how it went! I think I rocked the ServSafe Exam. It was waaay easier than I expected. What scared me the most was what pathogens caused which diseases and there weren't many questions about that. My math exam was also easy. The movie for my computer class came out... okay. It's really not that great, but whatever. The interview? No, just no. It's not that it went badly. I passed. I was nervous, but that wasn't the issue either. You know how you're scared for something so you prep like mad? I did that. Have you ever forgotten everything you wanted to say as soon as you were asked even after all that prepping? I did that too. I answered the questions directly, but didn't elaborate or say anything I had planned to say. And he threw me some curve balls that I hadn't planned for or ever even thought about. Don't ask me what they were because I can't remember. All I know is that after the interview I felt completely crushed. Like every professional choice I've made up to this point has been wrong. I don't really get why. I'm just so scared. What if I did choose wrong? What if I'm not cut out to be a manager? I want to be back in high school where things were easy and a lot less scary. I just went to class because I had to. But I liked it. I've always been so good in a classroom setting. Hands-on has never been my thing. What a stupid choice for me to make, going to a hands-on school. I'm not cut out to live in the real world and do real things. I wish there were someone here to talk to about it. Ranting like this helps but it doesn't make me feel better. I want someone who knows me to look at me and tell me how stupid I'm being, how can I think that. And I want to believe them. Even if my cousin were here to tell me that I wouldn't believe her. I'm not a leader. Why am I trying to be one? I'm too sensitive. Too insecure. Too shy. My brain doesn't work that way. Even my teachers knew it. I remember when my English teacher told me how surprised he was when I chose to go to NECI. He said I'd be a good scholar. I know I would be, I told him, but this is stable. I could study for the rest of my life and be the happiest person in the world, but you just can't live that way. Yes, I love food. I love feeding people. The interviewer said he saw passion when I mentioned my plans for a restaurant that feeds families. Yes, I want to do that. At least I think I do. I'm questioning everything now, and it's scaring the crap out of me. I don't like it.

Why couldn't I be normal? Why couldn't I go to a regular university, party, go to class, and not care what my plans were for the rest of my life? Or why couldn't I have been blessed with some amazing talent that's wicked profitable? Why can't this be easy?

I'll look at this later and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. These are my emotions at their rawest. The totally uncensored, insecure, Me. I don't think I like me. I'm kind of pathetic. Does everyone feel this way? Do they all hide it? HOW?

I wasn't sure if I wanted to publish this post. Debating back and forth. It makes me look stupid. I shouldn't care, it's my blog. You like having readers, though, don't you? Yes. And you had 8 comments on that last post. Oh well. They don't have to read and comment on this if they don't want to.

So, fuck it. It's published. Hello, cyber world! This is me! I'm really sorry if you actually read all this. I am in a weird mood. And I ate a lot of melted Ben & Jerry's Cheesecake Brownie Ice Cream. Hi new people who commented on my last post! Sorry for the mess. My brain likes to explode sometimes.