Whatever Wednesday

 Things I'm tired of being told.

1) He's in a better place. Maybe but I'm sure he didn't want to be there this soon.

2) Things happen for a reason. Well, give me one good reason for him to be taken away from us so quickly and unexpectedly..

3) You need to find another man, Is yours replaceable? He is not a light bulb you change.

4) You'll love again. No, no, I won't because I will always be his.

5) He would want you to be happy. Yes, he would but he would also understand why I'm not and let me feel how I feel.

6) You're so strong. That is completely false. I have no choice but to keep going. I'm an emotional mess. No, I'm not strong I'm just good at hiding behind a mask for others' comfort.

7) You've changed. Yes, I sure have, and not for the better. My life was completely and utterly turned upside down by the words "We called time of death.".

8) I don't understand why you aren't over this. That one I have an answer for though. Be thankful you don't understand. Be thankful it hasn't happened to you. Don't hold back on things until tomorrow or next week or when we can "afford" to. The future isn't promised, tomorrow isn't promised. Love as hard as you can and never go a day without telling those you love that you love them. Sounds mushy, too romantic, or your embarrassed to do it? Do it anyway. What ifs and regrets are horrible. Most of all, those little things that annoy you about someone are the little things you remember with love. Don't argue about them now. It's a small thing in the big picture

Whatever Wednesday

I've got a family situation right now that is driving me more than a little crazy, and with my grief and my health issues, it's NOT what I need to be dealing with at the moment. But we don't get to choose what problems come into our lives when, do we?

This problem is not directly mine, but I've been asked for advice multiple times over multiple years, and every time I give my opinions they get ignored, or I get treated like I don't know what I'm talking about. So why ask me for help in the first place if you're just going to continue to do what you want to do? How well has that been working for you so far?

I don't know what it's going to take to open your eyes, but I'm afraid it's going to have to be something tragic, something that NONE of us will ever be able to come back from. I am SO not ready to lose another family member, especially not one who is so much younger than me, and especially not when we should be doing everything we can to make their life better.

Whatever Wednesday

I NEED TO RANT

This is going to be a bunch of random thoughts this week.

I am so tired of being treated like I'm invisible or disposable, or whatever the right word is. Certain people seem to think it's okay to dump all their hurt and anger on me regarding other people in their life, and then turn around, the next day, and parrot things those people have said to them, making me into a villain in their life. I don't need to be on a constant emotional rollercoaster right now.

I have feelings too, darn it! And right now, with everything I've been going through since Christmas, my emotions are all over the place all the time on their own. I don't need more drama, more anger, etc. It all brings me more tears, till I don't think I'm going to have any more tears left to cry--and then the whole cycle starts over and I find another river of tears comes pouring out. 

I am so worried that, when I'm gone, my kids are going to drift away from each other into their own little nuclear family bubble, and not stay in touch. It feels like I'm the only reason they ever spend time together, and I don't know if there is anything I can do to help them look at their relationships differently.

I wish that people would stop saying "You're so strong."  I may LOOK strong when I am out in public, but that's just a coping mechanism. The truth of the matter is that I'm constantly on the verge of a breakdown. I cry almost every day, and I keep thinking that I might be better off if I just gave up on everything. I have to find just ONE thing every day as the reason to keep going. Life sucks right now!!