Showing posts with label Macee. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Macee. Show all posts
Friday, June 2, 2017
Baby Sisters
I realized how similar these two pictures were, though the feelings behind them were vastly different. The first one is with baby Macee and the second is with baby Brielle. Look how much older Makenna, Hadley, and Camden are. I think of all they have gone through in between these two pictures. Though these pictures were taken only 16 months apart, it is amazing how much these kids have learned and grown. Much more than most other children their age. They have felt such sadness and joy. They have had difficult life lessons that have taught them to rely on their faith. They have felt the light that can only be felt after one has been in the darkness. It is so humbling to see how they love these two babies equally and are grateful for their different roles in their lives. They love Macee completely and purely- she is the star lighting their way. And now they love and adore Brielle in such a precious way. They have such a greater appreciation for this beautiful new baby of ours. I wish these kids never had to go through such a heartbreak, but I believe they have gained such a beautiful perspective that will help them be better people. I'm so grateful for both of these beautiful baby girls that have both taught us all so much.
Welcome Baby Girl!
Introducing....
Read about "The Scare" that led to her birth HERE
Travis and the kids had headed home just before we officially decided that today was the day. They went to get dressed (and out of pajamas) and to pack our hospital bag that wasn't packed at all. We decided this must be what it feels like to go into labor at an unknown time. We had never experienced that. I called Travis after my conversation with Dr. Carlson and told him that we were having our baby for sure today. We were all both excited and nervous. The nurse had told me they weren't in a hurry and wouldn't deliver until 4:00 so we weren't feeling rushed since that was 3 hours away. Travis ran around the house trying to get everything I needed as I was on the phone. I couldn't even think straight about what we needed, which was a little bit of a problem since I knew I would be at the hospital for 3 days. It's a little frustrating to try to tell your husband what exact clothes to bring. But he managed to get most of it right. :)
Then the nurses started prepping me for surgery due to the doctor being ahead of schedule. So I called him and asked if he was almost here. He shockingly said, "I haven't even left yet. I thought we had more time." So he finished up packing and getting the kids ready. By the time they were on the road, I had my I.V. in, gown on, and was waiting my turn to get in the OR. I was missing my partner- he had always been there for all of this. Poor Travis was so stressed and was speeding to get there. He even passed a cop who luckily didn't pull him over. Travis mom met them at the hospital. I gave them all kisses and told them I loved them. They were definitely excited for their baby sister to get here, but there was some apprehension with them too.
Travis got into his hottie one-size-fits-all scrubs and was ready to go. But then we laughed because we had to wait for a little bit. I guess he didn't have to speed. We were both feeling SO incredibly anxious. This delivery was different for us because our baby was 36 weeks+1 day. So we were prepared for some NICU time if needed, but were hoping for very little. What we really cared about was hearing our baby cry and seeing that she was healthy. We were so ready to breathe a sigh of relief.
I walked to the OR which was a little weird because usually they have wheeled me in the bed. There was a heaviness about entering the OR because the last memory we had in there was of our Macee's silent birth full of the deepest sadness. But I quickly pushed past that and focused on this baby. It was her time. It was finally happening. We were going to finally see our baby's beautiful face! I got the spinal and numbed up fast. Then Travis was by my side armed with the video camera and we were more than ready. The NICU was ready and waiting. I was SO, SO anxious. They lowered the sheet and I could feel the pressure and I knew it was time.
I felt this overwhelming feeling come over me of peace and love. I turned to Travis and said, "I feel Macee here." She had escorted her baby sister to Earth. I could feel it. For that moment, the veil between heaven and earth was thin. I can only imagine how hard it was for Macee to let her sister go. But I know she did it with the utmost love for her family. Macee was a big part of that spiritual moment of Brielle being born.
And then the miraculous moment finally arrived of our beautiful daughter entering the world at 4:01pm. She let out a tiny, quick cry and was lifted up to show me. She was perfect with the cutest round cheeks I had ever seen. But when they had pushed her out, a gush of fluid shot up over a foot high and she swollowed a lot. So it had halted her breathing. (I found out all of this later.) She was passed through a window to the NICU and I anxiously waited to hear a long hard cry. It was hard to just lay there and trust. I later found out that she had swallowed so much fluid that they had to suck it out and then bag her for 2 minutes until she was breathing on her own. Travis said it was the scariest 2 minutes ever but the nurses didn't seem too stressed. I can't imagine how much faith he had to muster in those two minutes. (I recently viewed the video of it all and it was so hard to watch even knowing the positive outcome. Brielle was moving and kicking but couldn't take a deep enough breath with all the fluid. Travis kept whispering/pleading, "Come on baby girl". I cried when she finally let out cries.) After what felt seriously like forever lying on the
operating table (but was less than 3 minutes), I heard her cry. It was a good strong, cry. It was music to my ears. My heart could have leapt out of my chest. I felt this massive emotional relief and immense gratitude. And I just sobbed a whole-body-shaking kind of sob- I couldn't contain the overwhelming emotions and gratitude. My doctor who was stitching me up asked if I was okay. I was more than okay. I felt this relief that it was going to be okay. That I had gotten my baby here safely. She was full of life. And for the first time in 8 months, I relaxed.
Once my doctor was all done, he stopped to talk to me on his way out. He told me I had done a good job. And I said to him, "We did it. Thank you so much." And I saw tears in his eyes and I realized at that moment that he had been holding his breath with us. I'm so incredibly grateful for such a compassionate doctor to hold my hand through the hard emotions of the pregnancy.
Then I headed to the recovery room. It was nice because it was next to the NICU so Travis could come in and show me pictures of our girl. I think I'll always loves these pictures because they are the ones I studied and clung to until I could go see her. I thought that she looked like Camden in them. I could see her dark curly hair and her adorable little face. She was absolutely beautiful. I had 2 nurses and 2 nursing students in there and we just chatted the whole time. My pain control was good. The hardest part was waiting for the numbing to wear off so that I could go see my baby.
Finally, they wheeled me into the NICU to see my precious baby. I loved that my mom and sister came in the NICU at the same time. It was hard because I couldn't hold her. I wanted to pick her up and tell her I was still here. No one could hold her because her breathing was rapid and they wanted her to stay calm to slow her breaths down. Apparently when babies are born, they often have to learn to slow their breathing down and find a pattern. I touched her soft skin, held her hand, talked to her, and just marveled at my precious baby. What a surreal moment to see this little being I had been feeling and talking to for so long. After all of those days and nights of worrying and hoping, she was here. And she was ours. And she was perfect. We were so in love already.
We had lots of visitors, which was kind of nice so that I had company in my room while Travis was in the NICU with two at a time. I wasn't in the NICU when everyone met our sweet baby, but I sensed that Travis was the proudest daddy ever showing off his new little daughter.
Brielle Hope Pincock
9.13.2016
4:01pm
6 lbs 8 oz
20 inches
Travis and the kids had headed home just before we officially decided that today was the day. They went to get dressed (and out of pajamas) and to pack our hospital bag that wasn't packed at all. We decided this must be what it feels like to go into labor at an unknown time. We had never experienced that. I called Travis after my conversation with Dr. Carlson and told him that we were having our baby for sure today. We were all both excited and nervous. The nurse had told me they weren't in a hurry and wouldn't deliver until 4:00 so we weren't feeling rushed since that was 3 hours away. Travis ran around the house trying to get everything I needed as I was on the phone. I couldn't even think straight about what we needed, which was a little bit of a problem since I knew I would be at the hospital for 3 days. It's a little frustrating to try to tell your husband what exact clothes to bring. But he managed to get most of it right. :)
Then the nurses started prepping me for surgery due to the doctor being ahead of schedule. So I called him and asked if he was almost here. He shockingly said, "I haven't even left yet. I thought we had more time." So he finished up packing and getting the kids ready. By the time they were on the road, I had my I.V. in, gown on, and was waiting my turn to get in the OR. I was missing my partner- he had always been there for all of this. Poor Travis was so stressed and was speeding to get there. He even passed a cop who luckily didn't pull him over. Travis mom met them at the hospital. I gave them all kisses and told them I loved them. They were definitely excited for their baby sister to get here, but there was some apprehension with them too.
Notice my red and poofy face from the steroid shot.
Travis got into his hottie one-size-fits-all scrubs and was ready to go. But then we laughed because we had to wait for a little bit. I guess he didn't have to speed. We were both feeling SO incredibly anxious. This delivery was different for us because our baby was 36 weeks+1 day. So we were prepared for some NICU time if needed, but were hoping for very little. What we really cared about was hearing our baby cry and seeing that she was healthy. We were so ready to breathe a sigh of relief.
I felt this overwhelming feeling come over me of peace and love. I turned to Travis and said, "I feel Macee here." She had escorted her baby sister to Earth. I could feel it. For that moment, the veil between heaven and earth was thin. I can only imagine how hard it was for Macee to let her sister go. But I know she did it with the utmost love for her family. Macee was a big part of that spiritual moment of Brielle being born.
And then the miraculous moment finally arrived of our beautiful daughter entering the world at 4:01pm. She let out a tiny, quick cry and was lifted up to show me. She was perfect with the cutest round cheeks I had ever seen. But when they had pushed her out, a gush of fluid shot up over a foot high and she swollowed a lot. So it had halted her breathing. (I found out all of this later.) She was passed through a window to the NICU and I anxiously waited to hear a long hard cry. It was hard to just lay there and trust. I later found out that she had swallowed so much fluid that they had to suck it out and then bag her for 2 minutes until she was breathing on her own. Travis said it was the scariest 2 minutes ever but the nurses didn't seem too stressed. I can't imagine how much faith he had to muster in those two minutes. (I recently viewed the video of it all and it was so hard to watch even knowing the positive outcome. Brielle was moving and kicking but couldn't take a deep enough breath with all the fluid. Travis kept whispering/pleading, "Come on baby girl". I cried when she finally let out cries.) After what felt seriously like forever lying on the operating table (but was less than 3 minutes), I heard her cry. It was a good strong, cry. It was music to my ears. My heart could have leapt out of my chest. I felt this massive emotional relief and immense gratitude. And I just sobbed a whole-body-shaking kind of sob- I couldn't contain the overwhelming emotions and gratitude. My doctor who was stitching me up asked if I was okay. I was more than okay. I felt this relief that it was going to be okay. That I had gotten my baby here safely. She was full of life. And for the first time in 8 months, I relaxed.
(The only birth photos we have are blurry, hence the photo above. Travis somehow switched the camera to manual focus.)
I was wired, not sleepy like I usually am at this point. I think it was due to the fact I had a lot of adrenaline from the emotional relief and restlessness from the second steroid shot. I asked my doctor questions and talked to him from the other side of the sheet. He did tell me that there was a part of my uterus that was pretty thin which left me wondering would that have ruptured had I not delivered her early? We'll never know. At that moment, I didn't care if she had to stay in the NICU or not. I just cared that she was here and breathing.
Once my doctor was all done, he stopped to talk to me on his way out. He told me I had done a good job. And I said to him, "We did it. Thank you so much." And I saw tears in his eyes and I realized at that moment that he had been holding his breath with us. I'm so incredibly grateful for such a compassionate doctor to hold my hand through the hard emotions of the pregnancy.
Then I headed to the recovery room. It was nice because it was next to the NICU so Travis could come in and show me pictures of our girl. I think I'll always loves these pictures because they are the ones I studied and clung to until I could go see her. I thought that she looked like Camden in them. I could see her dark curly hair and her adorable little face. She was absolutely beautiful. I had 2 nurses and 2 nursing students in there and we just chatted the whole time. My pain control was good. The hardest part was waiting for the numbing to wear off so that I could go see my baby.
This is a text Travis sent to me in the recovery room. It really shows how much
I wanted to be with Brielle, but how Travis didn't mind taking over. :)
They got their face painted while there were at Applebees for dinner.
Other Birth Posts:
Monday, May 15, 2017
Sweet Nursery
Decorating this baby girl's nursery took a big leap of faith on our part. We wanted to get it done early since I knew we would be busy with appointments in the last trimester and would need to take it easy. So we optimistically worked on the room during June and had it done by the 26 week mark. I love the way the room all came together. It's sweet, feminine, relaxing, and was already for her. I was so grateful to have her room all ready when we brought her home from the hospital. We have spent so many sweet hours with our baby in here.
We wanted the room to feel different because it had been used in the past year as Macee's room for such a different purpose of grieving, remembering, and praying. I needed it to feel like a cheerier room. A different paint color, furniture arrangement, and decorations definitely achieved this. We chose a sweet mint blue, which is such a relaxing color.
We used the same bedding as Macee's room since it never got used. I love the parts that are hand-me-downs from this baby's big sister in heaven, just as it would have been in a perfect world with Macee here with us. The other things we used from Macee's room were the chair, curtain, dresser, and lamp. We did a little shopping trip for a new cozy rug and various decorations, but really not much.
In some ways it was so hard to change the room because it was Macee's room. I remember standing at the doorway after it was all decorated and it struck me how different it looked. It caused a flood of tears because it was no longer Macee's room. It was a room for our new baby, which it needed to be. But it was hard to let that space go. It helped to include Macee in this space with things from her room and a picture of her hung above one of Jesus with little children. It hangs across from the rocking chair so that we can look up and remember how important Macee has been in getting this baby here. We also included a little pink bird on the dresser since that is her symbol and a framed print of a hot air balloon just like the ones on her little sleeper when we held her. These little touches made it feel like both of our babies' room.
We wanted the room to feel different because it had been used in the past year as Macee's room for such a different purpose of grieving, remembering, and praying. I needed it to feel like a cheerier room. A different paint color, furniture arrangement, and decorations definitely achieved this. We chose a sweet mint blue, which is such a relaxing color.
We used the same bedding as Macee's room since it never got used. I love the parts that are hand-me-downs from this baby's big sister in heaven, just as it would have been in a perfect world with Macee here with us. The other things we used from Macee's room were the chair, curtain, dresser, and lamp. We did a little shopping trip for a new cozy rug and various decorations, but really not much.
In some ways it was so hard to change the room because it was Macee's room. I remember standing at the doorway after it was all decorated and it struck me how different it looked. It caused a flood of tears because it was no longer Macee's room. It was a room for our new baby, which it needed to be. But it was hard to let that space go. It helped to include Macee in this space with things from her room and a picture of her hung above one of Jesus with little children. It hangs across from the rocking chair so that we can look up and remember how important Macee has been in getting this baby here. We also included a little pink bird on the dresser since that is her symbol and a framed print of a hot air balloon just like the ones on her little sleeper when we held her. These little touches made it feel like both of our babies' room.
Our Macee Wall
I had to include a picture of our sweet baby girl in her room.
I love this collage wall. It's such a happy collection to look at when we are changing diapers. My favorite is "For This Child I have Prayed". It was so perfect for this baby's room. We have prayed so hard for her. I also love the little bear picture- my mom made that for my nursery.
I came across this text message and it captured my feelings towards this sweet room.
This is how this room was used while we waited for this baby to grow. Even now when I change or rock her, the kids are in there with us on the rug or rocking chair. Or sometimes playing in the crib. Ha ha.
Friday, April 28, 2017
Faith & Hope
But the opposing force, fear, is constantly lurking and occasionally winning. I try so hard to fill my mind with other things as a distraction. I've never wanted to fast forward time so badly. I think our whole family feels that way. Mornings and nights are brutal. My precious Macee passed away at night while I was asleep and I found out in the morning when she hadn't moved. My PTSD is definitely worse at these times because of this. I wake myself up every two hours or less all night long to feel for movement. I get up, go to the bathroom, and drink cold water and I lay there waiting to feel anything. Most of the time she gives me a good kick to let me know she's fine. But sometimes she's sound asleep just like the rest of the world is at that hour. So I pray, or more like beg, that I will feel something. I pace around our living room and do a few jumps, then I sit down and wait. And oh the relief, when I feel that beautiful nudge from within me. And I am instantly calmed and go back to bed just to do it all again in a few hours. The worst is when I fall asleep for more than 2 hours and I jolt up in the middle of the night in a panic to make sure she is okay. Then comes morning. I wake up with a feeling of urgency to feel my baby move. She is a sleepy baby in the morning, so I usually have to push and prod to get her to move. And then once I feel a good amount of movement, I can breathe and start my day.
I try to have some personal prayer and scripture study each day to help me to hold on to hope and to trust God. It helps me to remain optimistic. My scripture study focus lately has been on "hope". I have really gained such a deeper understanding about hope and faith, which I am grateful for thanks to this baby and Macee. In the talk below, I love that President Uchtdorf says, "We learn to cultivate hope the same way we learn to walk, one step at a time." This is just what I am doing... one day at a time.
This is one of my favorite talks to listen to. It is by the wonderful LDS apostle, Dieter F. Uchtdorf. It's called the "Infinite Power of Hope".
"Her faith overcame her fear,
and her hope overcame despair."
-Dieter F. Uchtdort
"Hope... is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father."
"Hope is not knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promise to us. It is believing and expecting that our prayers will be answered. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance."
We had to take a leap of faith and decorate the nursery. I haven't really bought much for this baby out of fear and caution. But we knew we wanted to have the nursery decorated and ready for her. So at 25 weeks along, we put our hope into action and painted the perfect color on this baby girl's walls and decorated the room. (Many pictures to come.) It is beautiful and has been a place where we all hope and dream about this baby. What a beautiful hope it is for our family.
Friday, September 2, 2016
Remembering Our Girl
May is a hard month for us with Macee's birthday, Mother's Day, Memorial Day, and the day of her passing. But we just push through it all and welcome June. This was our second Memorial Day remembering our Macee. It wasn't as hard as last year, but it was still a heavy day. It seems so surreal to spend the day at the cemetery to remember and visit our child. But we made sure it was a day of loving and remembering.
We picked out a fresh bouquet of flowers for her vase and got a planter this year that will last through the summer. The kids made little markers to go in her plant with notes on them. We picked out a few solar lights and a windmill (and this year we even learned to superglue all the parts so it lasts all summer).
We started the day out by cleaning her sweet headstone. Then we placed her flowers, lights, and windmill. We liked thinking of her looking down on it and us and knowing how loved and remembered she is. We brought chairs to relax and watched the veteran's program. This year, Becky, Richard, Cassie Ann, and Chloe came to join us. It was so nice to have family keep us company and remember our Macee. Makenna brought a book, "You're Here for a Reason", to read to Macee. We sat around and talked. Then we had a barbecue lunch at our lunch. We then came back to the cemetery later that day to say a prayer, sing a song, lay under her tree, and have races with Daddy.
We picked out a fresh bouquet of flowers for her vase and got a planter this year that will last through the summer. The kids made little markers to go in her plant with notes on them. We picked out a few solar lights and a windmill (and this year we even learned to superglue all the parts so it lasts all summer).
We started the day out by cleaning her sweet headstone. Then we placed her flowers, lights, and windmill. We liked thinking of her looking down on it and us and knowing how loved and remembered she is. We brought chairs to relax and watched the veteran's program. This year, Becky, Richard, Cassie Ann, and Chloe came to join us. It was so nice to have family keep us company and remember our Macee. Makenna brought a book, "You're Here for a Reason", to read to Macee. We sat around and talked. Then we had a barbecue lunch at our lunch. We then came back to the cemetery later that day to say a prayer, sing a song, lay under her tree, and have races with Daddy.
Placing their notes/markers to Macee
Story Time for Macee
Laying under "Macee's Tree"
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