Fasting is for Fava Beans

Last night a friend ( who actually has a real life)  sent this message to our little group of sickos.


"I hope you people realize that logging in here after just 5 minutes is like missing 1 episode of a soap opera,  trying to watch it for a week to figure out what you have missed and then realizing that some asshole has changed the channel" 


So I thought I would summarize the day with my brilliance but my brilliance was left in the refrigerator  in the form of a cheesecake that I could not eat BECAUSE I HATE TO FAST FOR THE DAMN BLOODWORK.

Dearest Stephanie, 

Clarice has 3 personalities and tried to kill me A FUCKIN GAIN. She aint knocked up a FUCKING GAIN but tried to use her fictional candian baby as a murder weapon on me, Her yard boy could have been the daddy, but she had angry sex with her husband for breakfast just in case, then Dawn who is really me, is showing up in my eyes at the dr's appointments so I have to go in and have fasting bloodwork in the morning and since I have the will power of a crackwhore I have to go to bed in like 2 seconds which means I will have no posts tomorrow on either blog but Dawns blood sugar is low because I am fasting and her eye is twitching because I am actually her. Dawn started talking about a website where she would sell sweaters for cats but that she would need to sell stun guns with each sweater because cats don't do well with " dressing" and then I knew that I should probably eat something, you know for Dawns sake.

You posted you went running which caused me to freak becasue I thought you were being attacked because no one would fucking run unless you were in mortal peril because that's just fucking insane and we all know Clarice has the damn Oscar awards on the insanity shit,  and you live on a little island?  hello?  shark bait? I mean really? right? but I couldn't figure out what your 911 number was so I just prayed to buddah ( because god is really pissed at me right now due to my post on the pits today yesterday) that you would be ok, and then I was told I was coming back as a cat turd when i die by the Dalai Lama which is freaky since he's dead but he came to me as a Unicorn and Jimmy Page was on his back so I believe him.




Clarice had this fucked up silence of the lambs conversation, and I think she is cooking fava beans in her kitchen right now to go with my liver. ( or Dawns) Poor Dawn, she's much closer to Canada than I am, but poor me, I am much closer to Alabama.  Which is worse in the grand scheme of things?  Having your liver eaten by Clarice or living next to an entire state that wants to kill you right now? 

Tiffanys stupid coworker thinks her middle name is actually "potatoe salad"  and we are getting her a fake ID in New Orleans this weekend we told her it was in Homage of her mothers Great Grandfather  General Polk Salad a famous Civil War hero. She is totally buying it and we told her that is why Tiffany has to have next Monday off as it's a Civil War Holiday. I am making up letter head and notarizing the letter from the sisterhood of the Northern Alliance of The Souther Civil War Leaders Holiday Association.

Then Steven Tyler called and said I was hot and that he liked my post on Being Peachy about him over on Being Peachy even though I said he looked like Janice Dickenson and Brendan Fraser got all jealous pissy which is totally not like him at all, then my husband came home and they gecko roman wrestled and it was fucking crazy. my dalmation won, but Ryan Reynolds got loose from the closet and defused the situation with a joke and we all had some cheesecake. 

So my bloodwork will be screwed up and I will get 52 new medications that will probably kill me and and Clarice will eat my liver which means Dawn will die too and no one will be around to back up Tiffany's story or call 911 when you fall off your damn island. I hope this catches you up, sorry you wont have anywhere to get a sweater for your cat or a stun gun.




xo


PEACH OUT

photo credit to cheezburger.com 

How it went down ( hill fast)

My cell phone- { Call me so I can make it juicy for ya, Call me}  

Me- Hello?

Droid- Hey Baby you at the hospital yet?

Me- No, I stopped to get some taternuts.

Droid- You are supposed to be fasting, you can't eat that shit you have blood work !

Me- OMG Captain Obvious how did you get my cell number? NO shit honey.  But as soon as they get done I am eating a dozen of these  babies in the parking lot.

Droid- What the hell is a Taternut?

Me- No wonder you are 6'2 and 158, you have never lived. What do you want anyway?

Droid- Are you ok?

Me- No I am not ok, I haven't eaten anything or had any Mt Dew I might kill someone and you are on the top of the list, because you have no clue what a taternut is. I gotta go I think the gate guard just heard me say i had to kill someone so I am probably going to get cavity searched.

Gate Gaurd-  Hi Mrs Kirk. You feeling ok today?

Me-  Not really Sgt Smith, I am fasting for this lab work and my husband is rubbing it in.

Gate Guard- Oh yeah, that's never good.  Drive Safe

Finally find a parking spot in what should be named "survivor parking". Because the older a person gets the longer their car gets and then they add one of those  electric scooter lifts to the back of it for extra obsticle course fun. Just about the time you want to pick them off with the AR-15 you have mounted on the mini van roof top they hobble out of the land yacht wearing their belted elastic band shorts,  sock garters and WWII hat and you are stuck waiving and smiling, because they deserve the spot way more than you anyway.  

End up parking slightly a tad  further the distance from the earth to Uranus ( I love it when I can say Uranus in a post), walk eleventykabillion thousand and 3 miles in 9 thousand and 5.2 degree heat so it looks like the asphalt is melting and giving off this wavy toxic nearly mirage type fumes and you can almost make out Brendan Fraser doing the Monkey Bonez dance when you almost get hit by all the people on their way to work in a hurry in their air conditioned cars as you drag yourself by your tongue through the 5th ring of hell on the crosswalk.

Get inside find out the escalators aren't working, use them like sharp jagged metal stairs.   Convince yourself you are not going to fall, but picture what would happen if you did and how you would land all mangled and bleeding at the bottom near where they are selling cookies.

Wonder why they are selling cookie next to the place you go to do lab work when you are fasting and are so hungry you would eat the ass out of a rhino.

 Think about throwing your very heavy purse at the people selling cookies grab as many bags as you can and making a run for it and then remember you can't run because your fat and lazy.

Old Tech- Growl Hiss Do you have your ID?

Me- Good Morning here ya go.

Old Tech- Snarl Hiss Growl Pee in this cup put it in the metal turn style then come out I hate you Growl

Me-  (thinking to myself- wow what a horrible fucking job touching other peoples piss all day no wonder she's  bitch)

Me- *Tinkle*  *HandWash* HandWash* Open door with paper towel and foot then wonder if I could wash foot because I some OCD public restroom issues*

Young Tech-  Miss Perd

{{{crickets}}}

Young Tech looking right at  me with an ID card in her hand -  MISS PERD

{{{crickets}}}}

Young  Tech-  Miss Perd I am calling you.

Me-  I am not Miss Perd.

Young Tech-  Oh snap my bad  Ms Kurt.

Me- ( thinking to myself- did a medical person just say " Oh snap my bad outloud?" this probably wont end well)

Me-  Mrs. Kirk will work.

Young Tech- I am silly

Me- ( release gas, clutch in, switch gears to bitch your not silly your an idiot gear)

Me- I don't find blood work that funny, you do have the right person and the right orders for lab work right?

Young Tech-  oh yeah I'm sure I do.

Young Tech-  only 1 rubber glove on, cleans my arm with an alcohol pad, then rubs her ungloved hand over my previously cleaned arm and shoves a needle in my arm with her ungloved hand.

Young Teach-  {digging around in my arm like the bitch is looking for the fucking Titantic while she runs her mouth to other employees about her personal life}

Young Tech- { does not stick a vial on the end of the needle hanging out of my arm, and continues not to pay attention to my arm, but instead yells across the room to a young man}

Young Tech- { accidentally does part of her job and hits a vein, has the release on the cap removed but no vial}  yells across the room, "  oh boy you better shut your mouth you know I hate you right?"

Young Tech- looks back to see my blood pouring on to the floor and me pulling the needle out of my arm she has let go of for several minutes that she never put a vial on.

Young Tech -  You ok lady?

Young Tech Jumps back from my blood so it doesn't get on her, as I lay the needle on the table next to me and give her a not nice look.

Me-  I don't mind you having fun at work, but you probably should know how to do your job before you chose to dick around at it. When you slip into that uniform you lose the right to be an incompetent idiot and gain the responsibility of being a mature hard working adult who carries themselves with leadership and self respect.  Even more so since it's the medical field I suggest you get your fucking head out of your ass ASAP as some peoples lives may depend on you at some point.  Clear ?

Young Tech-  {{{ Crickets}}}

Young male tech-  see's my blood all over the floor, see's my pissed off face, probably heard me just about rip young techs head off in what could be considered a renactment of the 300 but with only 2 people.

Young Male Teach- Mama can I help you?

Me-  depends young man, can you carry yourself in a professional confident manner and carry out the duty as you swore to do or do you need to gossip break protical and let my blood pour on the floor while you act like a twit?

1 stick, many vials, no words, all done, good bye.

Morales to the story-  . 

1-If you take on a job, do it. Don't act like an ass, or an idiot where people can see you. 

2- If you absolutely positively have to act like an ass, might I suggest using the break room, the bathroom room, or climbing under a desk and humming on a comb with tissue paper.  Otherwise your are just a fleshy waste of DNA.

2- If you take a job that involves peoples live or lively hood, you don't get to be an idiot, if your an idiot work in something that may not be as important like uhm...  washing the parking lot at a bowling alley?

3- Don't fuck with me when I am hungry, it wont be pretty.

4-I went to my car ate 1 taternut called the Droid and told him I almost slapped the eyebrows off a dumb bitch in the hospital. He instructed me to leave the military installation pull over and eat another taternut and the feeling would pass.

5- My man knows me.

** No military personnel were harmed during the making of this post. Although I lost a load of blood and she stabbed me with her dirty non gloved hand and my blood poured on the floor.  The only casualty was the taternuts.**