Guilty as Charged, 2018

Well.  It's that time of year again, and now with Netflix in the game, there are approximately 200 new Christmas movies to plow through this year.  Did I do it?  I did not.  But I tried. 

The Best 

No Sleep Til Christmas (Freeform)

Engaged Lizzie can’t sleep - until she runs into a handsome stranger and falls asleep next to him. Relationship drama abounds!

Hotness of male lead: 4/5

Silver bells: 5/5.  My favorite movie of the season, by far!!  This is NOT for kids!!  But I loved it!  And they're married in real life.

Santa’s Boots (Lifetime)

Career gal comes home for Christmas just in time to rescue her family department store by dressing up as an elf in the store’s holiday village.  Throw in a hot Santa (yes!), an adorable meddling grandma, and hijinks ensue. 

Hotness of male lead: Hot Santa gets a 5/5!!

Silver bells: 4.5/5.  This surprised me!!  Good acting, a cute plot, and points for actually casting someone in a wheelchair.  Life ain’t perfect, ya’ll.

Christmas Lost and Found (Lifetime)

It’s Real Eleanor from the Good Place in the title role as a career woman who comes home for the holidays and inherits an old ornament set from her aunt - then loses it.  She enlists the boy next door to help her find them. 

Hotness of male lead: 3/5

Silver bells: 4/5.  This is a pretty cute one. 

Surprisingly Good

It’s Christmas, Eve (Hallmark)

Single mom Eve flies in and out of towns as a temporary school superintendent.  She cleans ‘em up and gets out - unless a cute single dad can change her mind? 

Hotness of male lead: 4/5. I liked him and his banter. He’s different. 

Rating: 3.5/5.  LeAnn Rimes can act!!

Christmas in Evergreen: Letters to Santa (Hallmark)

Jill Wagner of Wipeout! fame comes to her small, Christmas-y home town and winds up restoring an old store from her childhood. 

Hotness of male lead: 4.5/5. I loved him in the one last year where Candace Cameron was twins.  He smiles all the time and I love it.  Points deducted for his age (he’s 50!). 

Silver bells: 3/5

A Twist of Christmas - Vanessa Lachey (Lifetime)

Single mom Mrs. Nick Lachey and a single dad are both going for the same Christmas gift at the store.  They hate each other!  But when they both end up taking the wrong gifts home, they reconnect and they love each other!  It’s One Fine Day at Christmas. 

Hotness of male lead: 2.5/5.  Points deducted for a goatee. 

Silver bells: 3/5.  Vanessa Lachey can act!  And the single guy, even with the goatee is sufficiently charming.  Throw in a couple cute kids and you’ve got a decent Christmas movie. 

Every Other Holiday (Lifetime)

Divorced mom and ex-husband agree to come home for the holidays and put on a brave face to be together with the kids. Enter an truly awful mother who doesn’t believe he’s good enough for her daughter, and lots of family drama. 

Hotness of male lead: 3.5/5.  He wears a nice beard and sings like an angel. 

Silver bells: 3.5/5.  This one's a little more "real," and I liked it more than I thought I would!

The Christmas Contract (Lifetime)

Career gal borrows best friend’s brother as her fake boyfriend when she goes home for Christmas, because her ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend. What could go wrong? 

Hotness of male lead: 4.5/5. He plays a writer, wears cute glasses, and is basically adorable. 

Silver bells: 3.5/5.

Decent

Christmas Pen Pals (Hallmark)

You’ve Got Mail at Christmas time. 

Hotness of male lead: 2/5

Silver bells: 2.5/5

Poinsettias for Christmas (Lifetime)

Sorry about that hat. 

Career gal and Poinsettia Whisperer comes home for Christmas just in time to save her family’s poinsettia farm. 

Hotness of male lead: 1/5. He might do for some, but he’s too square-jawed and boring for me. 

Silver bells: 3/5. I like Bethany Joy Lenz a lot and she can do a lot with this material.  

Christmas in Tennessee (Lifetime)

Real estate mogul (hot Andrew Walker) come waltzing into Christmas Town, Tennessee and wants to make it into a ski resort.  Not if the local baker has anything to say about it!! Note: not to be confused with Christmas in the Bayou or Christmas in the Smokies.

Hotness of male lead: 5/5, and always will be.  Not a great actor…but hot. 

Silver bells: 2.5/5. I mean, it’s not the worst. 

Christmas Around the Corner (Lifetime)

Venture capitalist comes home in time to rescue the local bookstore. 

Hotness of male lead: 3.5/5.  He’s scruffy, he’s shirtless, and they have a steamy little scene that involves hand washing (!).  (This is Lifetime, not Hallmark)

Silver bells: 3/5

The Holiday Calendar (Netflix)

Aspiring photographer (but actual holiday village elf) inherits an advent calendar where each day predicts what's going to happen in her life. Along for the journey is her best friend/soulmate, whom she has no idea she actually loves. 

Hotness of male lead: 2.5/5 He's the son of R&B 90s crooner Al B. Sure!  He's kinda cute.  I didn't love his hair. 

I do need to mention that also in this movie, as an alternate love interest, is GREGORY PECK's grandson who has his grandfather's looks and his deep, sultry voice. 

 

Silver bells: 2/5.  It was decent. 

Not Good

A Very Nutty Christmas (Lifetime)

In the most bizarre, who-approved-this plot, Melissa Joan Hart is a baker who is visited by a real Nutcracker. Falls in love with him.  Then (spoilers), he leaves to go back to being a Nutcracker - wherever that may be - and somehow arranges a new man to come into her life at the very end.  It is incredibly strange. 

Hotness of male lead: 2.5.  I like Barry Wilson, but not in those outfits. 

Silver bells: 0.5/5.  The .5 is because I kinda couldn’t look away. 

Homegrown Christmas - Lori Loughlin (Hallmark)

Career gal comes home for Christmas and has to plan a dance with her ex-boyfriend.  What happens next??? Your guess is as good as mine. 

Hotness of male lead: 3.5/5 - I normally love Victor Webster, but his zero chemistry with Lori Loughlin means he can’t banter like I know he can. 

Silver bells: 1/5. I have discovered the Lori Loughlin drives me nuts!!  It’s her voice.  And her acting.  

The Absolute Worst

Christmas at Graceland (Hallmark)

It’s Kellie Picker, Graceland, and singing.  That is the plot. 

Hotness of male lead: 2/5.  Doesn’t do it for me. 

Silver bells: 0/5.   Not only can Kellie Pickler not act, but we really had a hard time even understanding what she’s saying. This movie is literally awful. 

Actresses Who Are Dead to Me: Running List

Lacey Chabert

Alicia Witt

Danica McKellar

Lori Loughlin (NEW)

Guilty as Charged, 2017

Ho, Ho, Ho!  It's 2017, and Hallmark has really outdone itself with 21 original movies.  I've got to be honest, it was overwhelming.  And I have a true confession to make:  I found the movies on LIFETIME to beat the quality of the Hallmark movies, leading me to believe they outbid Hallmark for the best ones.

Let's start with the GOOD.


A SNOWED INN CHRISTMAS (Lifetime).  

Lifetime got Hot Andrew Walker away from Hallmark??  Lifetime?  Well, it's true, and dare I say it, this is his best work and perhaps the best-looking he's been.  Hot Andrew is a reporter, who is competing with a female reporter to write the most viral Christmas-themed story,  But when they're snowed in in Indiana and have to stay at an inn together, well, let's just say the story isn't the only thing brewing.

Required Holiday Elements:
Ridiculous plot point: CHECK.  The Inn is run by a couple who look suspiciously like Mr. and Mrs. Claus.  Could it be???
Dumb boyfriend workaholic who shows up at exactly the wrong time: CHECK
Mistaken identity: not present
"Celebrity" co-stars: not present

Overall rating: 5/5.  My favorite of the 2017 movies.

FOUR CHRISTMASES AND A WEDDING (Lifetime)

When Harry Met Sally except as a tame Christmas movie.  Two people who are obviously meant to be with each other cross paths over four Christmases, and it ends with....[fill in the blank].

Required holiday elements:
Ridiculous plot point: None that I can remember.
Boyfriend who's a better business partner than boyfriend: CHECK
Mistaken identity: none present
"Celebrity" co-stars: CHECK: Judge Reinhold in a role I can't remember, and Night Court's Markie Post as the mother!

Overall rating: 4/5: I almost abandoned this one after the first 30 minutes, but I'm glad I stuck with it.

SWITCHED FOR CHRISTMAS (Hallmark)

Last year, I put Candace Cameron Bure on notice that I was just about done with her.  So was I expecting a movie where she plays TWINS to be a good idea?  I was not.  And imagine my surprise when I realized this was just about my favorite Hallmark movie of the year.  Well, you could've knocked me over with a turtledove's feather.

Basic plot: Two Candace Cameron Bures as twins, one a corporate rock star and one a divorced teacher, who switch lives for Christmas and BOTH find romance.

Required holiday elements:
Ridiculous plot point: Um....the whole movie???
Big city exec learns to appreciate home-town charm: CHECK
Reignite flame with home-town ex-boyfriend: CHECK
Mistaken identity: CHECK
"Celebrity" guest stars: not present

Overall rating: 4/5.  BONUS: Filmed in Payson!!

Oh hey, Payson Main Street!  Looks like the producers covered your sidewalks in fake snow but forgot about the green, leafy summer trees in the background. 

WITH LOVE, CHRISTMAS

A woman is paired on a Christmas project with a hot shot (emphasis on hot) coworker who hates Christmas!  And she's also his Secret Santa, and he has no idea!

Required holiday elements:
Ridiculous plot point: can't remember one
"Celebrity" Guest stars: not present.

Overall rating: 4/5.  This is a cute one.

A GIFT TO REMEMBER

In trying to describe this one, I couldn't remember (ironic) the name and referred to it as "the amnesia one."  A woman runs into a hot guy on her bike, he goes into a coma while simultaneously his wallet washes down a drain. Who is he??  Can she figure it out without falling in love with him? (no)

Required holiday elements:
Mistaken identity: Oh Yeah
Ridiculous plot point: A landlord who loves to decorate for Christmas is a little over-the-top
Big city exec learns to appreciate home-town charm: not present
Reignite flame with home-town ex-boyfriend: not present
"Celebrity" guest stars: not present
Overall: 4/5. I like the lead female a lot and the guy basically plays the perfect man.

Now for the MIDDLE of the crop (aka stuff I barely remember even watching).

THE CHRISTMAS COTTAGE

An interior designer comes home for a friend's wedding and is asked to renovate her family's old Christmas Cottage.  Hometown boyfriend love ensues.

Required holiday elements:
Ridiculous plot point: Everyone who stays the night in the cottage has a love that lasts forever.  Well, GUESS who gets snowed in!!
Reignite flame with home-town ex-boyfriend: CHECK
Mistaken identity: not present
"Celebrity" guest stars: not present

Overall: 2.5/5. He's hot, she's kind of the worst.

THE CHRISTMAS CURE

This one aired early on in the season, about a doctor (it's the girl! perhaps the first Hallmark female lead who is NOT in marketing) who comes home to find her dad (also a doctor!) is giving up his family practice.

I remember gushing about this one early on; now I can barely remember it.

Required holiday elements:
Mistaken identity: not present
Ridiculous plot point: can't remember one. Can't remember much of anything!
Reignite flame with home-town ex-boyfriend: CHECK, and he's the handyman for the doctor's office.
"Celebrity" guest stars: Heck yes, it's Patrick Duffy, aka Bobby Ewing of Dallas!

Overall: 3/5. It's a cute one.  Even if I can't remember it.

ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS

An interior designer comes home for a big job and is asked to renovate the old dance hall.  "I don't dance," she says.  Oh, but SHE WILL.    Because her old dance partner is also back home!

Required holiday elements:
Ridiculous plot point: none that I remember
Reignite flame with home-town ex-boyfriend: CHECK
Dumb boyfriend workaholic who shows up at exactly the wrong time: CHECK
Mistaken identity: not present
"Celebrity" guest stars: Chelsea Hightower of DWTS.  Filmed in Midway, it also includes my least favorite, most grating local actress also seen in the Megaplex pre-roll.

Why are you in every local Christmas movie??

Overall: 2.5/5. Cute that the leads are married.  She spends a lot of time being witchy in the movie.

THE WORST

WRAPPED UP IN CHRISTMAS

Congratulations, this is the worst movie of the year!  And too bad, because it's totally star-studded.  Tatiana Ali from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air stars as an ambitious mall executive (huh?) who has to close a Christmas-themed store that's underperforming.  Helping out in the store is a struggling artist helping his aunt in the store WHILE moonlighting as the mall Santa.
Yep.

Required holiday elements:
Mistaken identity: CHECK.  This smart mall exec has no idea he'll be affected by the store closing.
Ridiculous plot point: Did you hear that Tatiana Ali plays an ambitious mall executive? Also - that mall is the Provo Towne Center.  With a few outdoor scenes shot at City Creek to make us believe it's fancier than it is.

Also:

The mall executive is earning enough to live in this giant house. 

We are supposed to believe that the her of the story is a great artist, and this is the portrait he drew of Tatiana Ali's niece. 

Reignite flame with home-town ex-boyfriend: not present
"Celebrity" guest stars: Buckle up.  The Facts of Life's Kim Fields, A Different World's Jasmine Guy, the dad from the Wonder Years, the mom from Ferris Bueller (unrecognizable after all the plastic surgery!!), 227's Jackee Harry, and Geoffery the Butler, also from Fresh Prince!

Overall: 0/5. "I can't believe I watched the whole thing." Not even Lifetime bought this one, so Hallmark was like, OK.

Random Observations

• Hallmark cast an interracial couple!   
• The only three acceptable careers for Hallmark ladies can only be marketers, interior designers, or bakers. (On second thought: also country inn owners)
• Take a drink every time someone looks at their cell phone and says "I have to take this."
• Take a drink every time a kiss is interrupted.
• Have you seen this SNL spoof? 

Guilty as Charged Part 7

2016: Hallmark ratcheted it up to 20 Christmas movies, and unlike past years, there were really no standouts.  Most of them were "pretty good" (using my Hallmark scale, which is set a notch or 10 lower than my expectations for other forms of entertainment). In any event, let's forge ahead. Here are my past reviews (2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011 and 2009).

Common plot point: Marketing Exec/News Anchor/Actress Goes to Small Christmas Town 

Gosh, let's see if I can capture them all, because this plot point figured into no less than FIVE movies this year. 

In A Wish for Christmas, Lacey Chabert goes on a trip with her hot boss to a tiny town to do a big marketing pitch.  She's a timid doormat who has a chance encounter with Santa Claus, who gives her a gift: she'll now be able to stand up for herself.  But only for 48 hours (darn you, Santa!!).  Will her gift last her long enough to a) win the pitch b) solve her boss' daddy issues and c) nab the man for herself? 

In Christmas Cookies (not to be confused with 2014's A Cookie Cutter Christmas) a high-powered food executive (Jill Wagner from Wipeout, obviously) comes to a Christmas-themed town to shut down their beloved cookie plant. The plant also happens to be owned by a young bachelor who might make her forget she has a boring boyfriend at home.  

In Love You Like Christmas, a high-powered marketing executive's car breaks down in a small Christmas town (something that happens every other day in Hallmark world).  She then ends up falling for a single dad who owns his own struggling Christmas tree farm. But wait! She's a marketing executive!  But not a rocket scientist - it takes her 3/4 of whole movie to figure out that she can help him and until the very end to realize she loves him.

In Christmas in Homestead, a plot that owes Notting Hill's screenwriters big time, a famous actress and her costar (and ex-boyfriend) come to film a Christmas movie in a small town.  The town's innkeeper mayor (who happens to be a cute single dad as all innkeeper mayors are) isn't happy that they're taking over the town. 

In Every Christmas Has a Story, a news anchor blurts over the air that she doesn't like Christmas!  Horrors!  Now she has to go to a small Christmas town to renovate her image.  And her producer happens to be an ex-boyfriend. Lots of time to talk about old issues in a small Christmas town!

Who wore it best?  

Love You Like Christmas and Christmas in Homestead are the best of this batch.  

Common plot point: time travel and other mysticism

In Journey Back to Christmas, Candace Cameron Bure (Hallmark's newest Star of Christmas) is a nurse who travels forward in time...I don't remember why.  In any event, she 

In A Dream of Christmas, another marketing executive has trouble balancing her career with her marriage.  She ends up wishing she never got married.  After falling from a ladder, her wish is granted!  But she can't stop hanging around her husband trying to woo him all over again!

Who wore it best?  

A Dream of Christmas.  Candace Cameron Bure is starting to bug, plus her movie did not star hot Andrew Walker (above). 

The "Looking a Little Worse for Wear" Award: 

Is it Sascha Radetsky from a Nutcracker Christmas who first graced us in Center Stage??

Is it Dean Cain, in Broadcasting Christmas, who was Superman, for crying out loud? (not to mention Brenda's Parisian boyfriend Rick (aka "Reek") in Beverly Hills, 90210)

Doughy.

Hubba.

The "winner:"

Dean Cain. 

The "Wake Up and See What's Right in Front of You" Award:

Is it the Mistletoe Promise, where two executives meet cute in a food court and realize that a business arrangement to be each others' plus-ones could help them move ahead. Can Jaime King and her distracting eyebrows stop being stubborn and turn her fake relationship into a real one?  

Or is it My Christmas Love, which squanders Meredith Hagner's talent by making her into a dumb-as-rocks children's book author who keeps pursuing relationships with old acquaintances instead of her steady, adorable illustrator.

Not him, you idiot!!

Him!

Winner: Mistletoe Promise.

Who had the hottest male leads?

My Christmas Love - he's adorbs. 

Him!

And the Mistletoe Promise - he's a new addition to the Hallmark crew and spends most of his time in a suit and overcoat. Yes. 

It was the last straw for....

Alicia Witt and Danica McKeller.  I just can't with their movies anymore. 

On very thin ice...

Candace Cameron Bure and Lacey Chabert.  

Well, that's it!  And we didn't even cover Candace Cameron Bure's annoying intros to all the other Hallmark movies, hot Gregory Harrison (he's old!) in My Christmas Love, and Donna Mill's timeless face. Another time. 

Kristen's Best of 2016!!!

Best Reads

Anyone who knows me knows I love/adore my subscription to the NY Times.

NY Times: How Asking 5 Questions Allowed me to Eat Dinner With my Kids  We talk about the “5 Whys” at work, and I think you could apply them to any situation.  I loved this example. 

NY Times: The Lawyer Who Became DuPont’s Worst Nightmare.  I love when news can bring attention to an issue in the form of a really gripping story.  This one - about a lawyer who won’t back down when he realizes DuPont has been poisoning a town’s water supply - is journalism at its best. 

Deseret News: When God Puts You in the Standby Line.

Angela Duckworth, “Grit.” This book tackles a topic that’s always been interesting to me: what is the difference between someone who succeeds and perseveres versus someone who, well…doesn’t?  The answer, says Duckworth, is GRIT.  And she says, based on her research, that we can all get more of it.  Her book is relatable and insightful. 

Mike Massamino, “Space Man.” I loved this book about a man who tries for 10 years to be an astronaut.  He’s able to describe technical concepts in a very relatable way, and his personal stories are incredibly inspirational.  I LOVED his description of going on a space walk and describing what it’s like to have an unobstructed view into open space, with not another soul around.  

Best Songs

Here are my favorite songs of 2016.

Best Podcasts

What I lacked in books read I made up for in podcasts listened to.  I must warn you that some of these have a little language.  It’s a tough balance in the podcast world.  

StartUp - If you’re not familiar with StartUp, it’s a podcast about….starting a podcasting company (called Gimlet).  And it’s riveting.  Season 1 is all about Gimlet, and the subsequent seasons are about other startups.  But each season they do updates on Gimlet, and those are my favorite episodes.  My favorite episode this season is S4E3, “Shadowed Qualities,” where Gimlet founder Alex Blumberg (whose voice I find attractive and Melinda finds awful) gets really blunt feedback about his management style and has to come to terms with what his career goals say he should do versus what he really enjoys doing. 

A note that the rest of the episodes in S4 I wouldn’t necessarily recommend…they’re about the founder of American Apparel and he’s a real skeezebag. 

Hidden Brain.  I don’t like all episodes equally, but when they get it right, it’s really fascinating stuff.  My required listening for this podcast is episode 3, Stereotype Threat, about a female poker player who uses the fact that she’s the only girl in the room to her advantage; episode 9, Aziz Anasari on Modern Love; and Episode 34, Google at Work. 

Human Race.  This is a podcast from Runner’s World that’s not really about running…it’s more about the human spirit.  Its episodes are awesome.  My favorites so far are Episode 1, Tin Man, about a man running with an artificial heart (and what it means on a psychological level to have your heart replaced by a machine).  Episode 7, The Barkley Marathons, is about a gonzo-level-crazy race that only 14 people have ever completed.  Incidentally, I used to work with a guy who is the only man to have finished 3 times…I remember writing a brief article on him but I really had no idea what the race was about.  It’s certifiably insane. 

Planet Money is consistently enjoyable.  Some of my recent favorites are #728, The Wells Fargo Hustle, with personal stories about the high-pressure culture that led to the scandal. #714, Can a Game Show Lose, about the one man who guessed - exactly - the price of the final Showcase Showdown on the Price is Right and how he did it. Also #562: A Mall Divided, about a shopping mall that straddles two city lines.  The kicker is that one city raised their minimum wage and the other city didn’t, and the workers had no idea the other half of the mall was making more money. 

Death, Sex, and Money.  Disclaimer that I don’t listen to all the episodes - based on the title you might guess that some are a little more scandalous than others.  But host Anna Sale has a gift for getting people to open up in really honest ways about the Big Things in life.  I especially like Chaz Ebert on Life Without Roger, and also Living Along and Liking It - Sometimes. I also enjoyed I Was More Angry at God, about a woman coping with the murder of her father and coming to grips with why bad things happen. 

Criminal. I liked Episode 51, Money Tree (about a woman who discovers something horrible when her parents’ identities are stolen), so much that I texted my sister-in-law immediately to listen to it.  Another good one was Episode 54, Melinda and Clarence, whose husband was put in prison for murdering her mother. She believes he’s innocent and starts investigating the murder herself, putting herself in sometimes dangerous positions (they say you need to listen to the previous episode to "get" this one - not the case).   

The Dave Ramsey Show. I just discovered Dave Ramsey and his Baby Steps this year, but listening to him changed the way I thought about my debt.  Because of his show, I decided to pay my car off early and refinance my home to a 15-year mortgage so I could get out of debt more quickly.  I don't listen to every episode - his radio show is three hours so he releases 3 1-hour podcasts a day - but listen to a few and you'll get a sense for his no-nonsense style (he will shut you right down if you come in with an excuse).   His approach is really simple and I like that it works with people of any income. 

Other Random Favorites

My Simple bank account.  If I could shout about Simple from the hills, I would do it.  Simple is an online bank that lets you set up savings goals and then it automatically directs money each day towards those goals.  I have used Simple to save for trips, new tires, and other stuff I want to save for.  It’s kind of a game changer. Their app is awesome.  And even their required emails - like the annual Regulation E Disclosure statement - is a joy to read (yes, I said it - a joy!).

This pillow. It’s just the right amount of firm and it’s awesome. 

Pick Your Plum on Instagram.  Every night they put something funny up and it usually always makes me LOL.  

Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey. We saw this at a rodeo this summer…a monkey dressed as a cowboy holding on for dear life as it rides a dog around the stadium.  It’s probably the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. Watch a video here.