The Power of Friendship. Drunk People. Never Fall Asleep. "Old Pineapple Head."

*Pulls out casio keyboard and clears throat*

Keep Smiling...

Keep shining...

I'll be on your siiiiide forever more......

That's what friends are foooooorrrrrr......

Friends!

Grapefruit Prank Phone Call I Did. Philly Sheraton Hotel.

Man I wish I had recorded some of my classic prank phone calls that I used to make with friends back in the day. I'd be rich I tells ya!

My friends and I would gather around a table and put the phone on speaker and go to town. Here's one call I made at 3:30 in the morning to a hotel in Philly...

Hotel Desk: Sheraton Philadelphia may I help you?

Me: Yes Room 212 please.

Room 212: (Groggy) Hello?

Me: (Super cheerful) Hello there sir this is the front desk and I just wanted to say good morning and remind you that we have a complimentary grapefruit waiting for you down here.

Room 212: (Pause) Are you kidding me? ....It's 3:30 in the morning.

Me: No sir. The grapefruits are free for all of our guests. Are you coming down?

Room 212: Why are you calling me now?

Me: Because of the grapefruit.

Phone hangs up. I dial number again and get put through to the room.

Room 212: Hello???

Me: Well I will tell you one thing. This grapefruit isn't going to eat itself. That would be impossible. Do you even LIKE grapefruit sir?

Room 212: IT'S 3:30 IN THE FUCKING MORNING!

Me: No better time for grapefruit. Right?

Click.

Paaaartayyy!! Crazy Weekend Highlights At Penn State.

I usually hate walking into a bar with friends when it’s wall to wall 21 year olds. We usually just turn around because you feel like an old fart*. Usually …..

The exception was this past weekend. I went up to Penn State with a few friends to see a band. The band we were supposed to see was on Saturday at 9:30 so we thought we’d go into town and “walk around, maybe see if there’s a Penn State sporting event happening so we ‘stay out of trouble during the day’”, as Bill said. Well THAT didn’t happen.

As we drive into town we see hundreds and hundreds of college kids walking around wearing green. It turns out there’s an event called “State Patrick’s Day” and it’s a HUGE all day party.

So we park our car near the fraternity that my two friends went to and decide to go inside. We walk in the door – this is at 12:30 in the afternoon - and there are literally 200 drunk college kids in the frat house. DJ blaring music. People dancing on tables. A dude passed out drunk on the couch. Another dude walked past me, tripped up the steps and fell into the wall head first.


The dude in the hat on the table is my main man

Basically. It’s insane. It’s what you’d expect at 2 AM on New Year’s but it’s barely past noon.

Now here’s where it gets really nuts. We of course stand out like sore thumbs because we’re not wearing green. AND we’re the age of their Dad’s. Or their really, really, really, really older brothers. So they start coming up to us and ask who we are. My friend’s says, “Alumni.” As soon as they say that everyone goes crazy, “What? You are? Let’s parttttyy!” And we basically become celebrities. Everyone wants to party with us. People randomly come up to meet us. We’re laughing our asses off at the absurdity of what’s happening. The entire time laughing and saying, “Is this really happening?”

We roam upstairs and there are people in every room. We get high fives from everyone as we walk own the hall. We’re handed random bottles to drink from as we pass. We walk into an upstairs game room. 30 heads look at us in shock. Bill says loudly, “Don’t worry, we’re not cops. We’re alumni.” The crowd cheers.

I could go on and on about some of the crazy things but it would make for a really long post. (Plus I likes to keep private). Two highlights were that four lovely ladies came up to us and said, “Can we party with you?”

“Well of course you can my dears.” And we proceeded to not only party….but Par-TAY** Here they are***:



The other really crazy thing was that two curvy coeds (sounds hot huh? Trust me…it was) pulled me out on the dance floor to shake it. Being a good sport I went out to shake my groove thang. And we’re dancing. Then they’re dancing around me. Slinking really. Then they both start bending over and start GRINDING on me. Just as I’m about to grab the hips of the one I remember what my one friend said earlier, “Could you imagine if the cops raided this place and the first thing they see is us? With all these underage kids?” Reality sets in and I exit the dance floor. Seconds before I was violated.

Well that’s all I’ll get into here but it was a craaaazy weekend. And I honestly came THIS close to getting up on the main dance table but thought, what if I slip off and break a hip? Buzzkill.

* Plus they’re not mature enough to really grasp my sophisticated ways.
** Whatever THAT means.
*** God Dyyyyyyaaaaaaammmmn!!

The Time I Didn't Eat Two Double Cheeseburgers In Vegas.

So I was talking to a friend yesterday about the time we were in Vegas a few years ago and something that made me laugh harder than I think I’ve ever laughed. It may be one of those “had to be there” stories but here it is anyway:

It was about midnight and it was the last night of the trip. He was all liquored up and was going to bed. I was like, “F that noise. I’m going dancing.”

So the next morning we check out and leave our bags with the concierge so we could eat breakfast. We return to get out bags. My friend says, “Do you have the ticket for the bags?” I reach in my pocket which is full of crumpled up money and various receipts. I hand him what I think is the bag ticket.

FRIEND: (examines receipt with interest then bursts into laughter). You ate TWO McDonalds double cheeseburgers at 4:33 AM??? WHAT THE HELL??

ME: WHAT?? No I didn’t! (I start laughing because I know I would never eat even one McDs double cheeseburger. Let alone two)

FRIEND: It says it right here! Two double cheeseburgers at 4:33! HAHA!!

ME: (Now I’m hysterical because I’m also now remembering the fog I was in as I went to McDonalds in one of the casinos) I must have picked up the wrong receipt!

FRIEND: (Thinks I’m lying about it or I just forget that I really ate two double cheeseburgers) No you didn’t you were so drunk that you ate the two burgers and you just forget!! At 4:33!

At this point we’re literally doubled over laughing. And I’m close to pissing my pants (like you chicks do when you’re cracking up). Then I actually do remember that it was a confusing late night ordering scene with drunk people and the stupid staff that was serving the food.

ME: Wait! (Barely getting one word out at a time) I remember now. (Hahaha) There was a bunch of receipts on the counter and I think I picked up the wrong one.

FRIEND: (Thinks I’m lying) YEAH RIGHT!!! HAHAHA!!!

ME: I swear! Why would I eat two double cheeseburgers? I would never do that!

FRIEND: But you did. Here’s the proof! (holds up the receipt)

ME: HAHAHAHA!! IT’S NOT MINE! MAYBE SOMEONE PLANTED IT ON ME!!

And we continued to hysterically laugh. Practically screaming as people looked at us like we were crazy.

OK. Maybe you had to be there. But if the scene was acted out in a movie you would be cracking up.

True Nashville Crazy Story About Drunk Women. Sexy Stuff.

Pull up a piece of carpet kids. I have a very interesting tale I'd like to share. Come on get in here closer.

There you go.

So a few years back I was at my favorite bar in the world. It's called Tootsie's Orchid Lounge. It's in Nashville. That's a city in the State of Tennessee you know.

Now it sounds like it would be a strip bar but it's not. It's just a tiny bar that's been around for years. And every famous country singer has played there because it's right behind where the Grand Old Opry used to be.

So anyways, this place is crazy. People walk on the bar, high 5 strangers as they come in the door and just get crazy.

So Im there for about five minutes and go to walk up the steps and this drunk girl is walking down. She's holding the railing and she swings out and blocks me. She's super drunk. She looks me up, then down (elevator eyes to some), gives me this devious smile, then reaches and grabs my crotch. And gives it a squuuueeeeze.

Just as she does this her girlfriends run up and grab her and say, "I'm sorry, she's so drunk." And they shuffle her out of the bar.

I'm all, "What the??" It happened so fast I wasn't able to even do anything. Like start grinding or something. I don't know.

So a few hours pass and I meet a group of real estate people that are in town for some convention. So we're all hanging out. Just cracking up.

Two bar stools open up and I say to one of the girls that's next to me, "That's it. I'm sitting down." She says, "Me too." And sits next to me.

A while passes and as we're talking, some girl almost falls down the steps. It reminds me of the drunk girl from earlier so I say, "Oh my God, you're not going to believe what happened to me earlier!" And I proceed to tell her the story. Well, I get to the part where I say, "...and then she grabs my crouch!" and instead of a look of, "Are you kidding?" She looks me dead in the eye and says, "Like this?" and reaches over to me and grabs my crouch!

I swear this happened!

I'm so shocked but I just played it cool and kept this look on my face like nothing had just happened. But I think I did say, "Yeah, kind of like that."

Not that I would have done anything anyway but she wasn't my type. Real big and ugly. I prefer my women to be normal sized. Oh, and good looking.

A few minutes pass and her group yells over, "Kathy, come on, we're leaving." She gives them a look, pointing back at me "secretly" and mouths, "I'm staying." As if saying, "I gots myself I live one here." I don't think so sister.

Long story short I said, "I have to go to the bathroom." And I got up and walked, very quickly back to my hotel.

The end.

Drunky McDrunk Falls Into Trash Can At Dart Night. Whipping It Out.

So last night my wife was taking a walk around the block around 9. At about 10 she calls from Calhoun's house where we play darts on Thursdays sometimes. She saw the garage open so she walked in.

So she calls me to come up and I walk up there. I wasn't really in the mood because I wanted to get to bed early.

Well I'm glad I went because a few of us were throwing darts and my neighbor Bill walks in. He had been "at the Club". So he's good and liquored up. So he's leaning over trying to talk to my wife and when he stands up, he loses his balance and swirls around and falls into Calhoun's lawn mower - almost falling INTO the trashcan.

I swear it was one of the funniest things you ever saw. Of course I whip around and try to snap a picture while he's still on the ground but the lighting was terrible so it didn't turn out. Damn it!
Here's a teaser as to what it kind of looked like:



The other memorable thing was when Calhoun said he was wearing cartoon character underwear. So my wife and Bill's wife want to see it. So he pulls his pants down to show his underwear and then pulls part of his package out for a second.

Yeah. Classy bunch of characters. It was pretty funny though. Especially when he was getting pissed the rest of the night because the ladies said it was "chubby".

Dean Martin and that Drunk Foster Brooks. Born Today - May 11.

Foster Brooks was born today. Here's a really funny clip of him roasting Don Rickles at a Dean Martin celebrity roast.

His pretend drunkenness cracks me up but the reaction of the other people makes it even funnier.

But I still think Ed Norton and Ralph Kramden on The Honeymooners were funnier drunks when they drank grape juice and thought they were drunk. Does anyone remember that episode?

Bloggers Gwen and Whiskey Marie May Have Been Kidnapped.

It's true. Two of my favorite bloggers in the whole wide world of the universe and neighboring countries Gwen and Whiskey Marie may have been kidnapped! As you may know, Gwen and Whiskey Marie have been blog friends for some time. This past weekend, WM flew to St Louis to meet Gwen in person and stay at her house. Can you imagine that greeting at the airport?

Why do I think they're kidnapped? Well I asked Gwen a few times to leave a message on my Snapvine recorder. She emailed me yesterday saying they were going to but didn't. Then, last night I received the horrifying message. (Click play on the Snapvine recorder located on my sidebar).

What is that garbled mess? I have no idea what they're saying. Is it a cry for help? The message is barely audible so I'm ruling out the kidnapper as someone that works at Radio Shack. I know, I know, that still leaves millions of suspects but it's a start.

And I think we can also rule out anyone that doesn't have access to a feather because they've obviously been tickle tortured by the sound of all that girlish giggling.

If someone could email me a transcript or post it in the comments section I'd apprectiate it.

Make Sure You Know How to Order At Geno's Steaks

Blogging about cheesesteaks the other day got me thinking about another practical joke I did. Well, not really a practical joke, more of "pulling of someone's leg" I guess you would call it.

The Scene: Geno's Steaks (Cheesesteaks) in South Philly. It was over a holiday break from college. My friend Flare had brought his friend Woody from Georgetown to stay over his house for the weekend. After a night of drinking, we end up at Geno's Steaks in South Philly.

If you've never been to Geno's Steaks, it's a cheesesteak stand. At 3:00 on a Saturday night there can be 50-100 drunk people in line so you have to be prepared to order quickly. And if you don't order correctly they get pissed and yell at you. I can't stress enough that these people have no sense of humor. Think Soup Nazi but Italian and 300 pounds.

A correct way to order would be like this: Large steak wit wiz and onions (this means with cheese wiz and onions) and a large coke. The second after ordering you then walk down the line to pick up your order. When you're ordering, you have a pissed off thug looking back at you through a tiny window.

So Woody's heard what the ordering is like. He's a bit nervous about ordering so I explain the whole thing. Then, this happens right before he gets to the window:

Me: ..oh yeah. And there's one more thing. If you say, "City of Brotherly Love", you get free fries.
Woody: Really?
Me: Yeah.
Cheesesteak Nazi: NEXT!
Woody: (Leans toward window nervously and starts order) ..Um yes...I'll have a large cheesesteak wit onions and wiz and a small coke. City of Brotherly Love.
Cheesesteak Nazi: (yelling order to cook) Large cheese wit onion and wiz!.....NEXT!
Me: He didn't hear you say the end part.
Woody: City of Brotherly Love.
Cheesesteak Nazi: (getting annoyed at Woody)..OK buddy ..NEXT!
Me: (Out of the corner of my mouth) No. You've got to yell it to the guy cooking or it won't count.
Woody: (leans his head inside the window) CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE! EXCUSE ME..CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE!
Cheesesteak Nazi: GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!...NEXT!

Everyone inside and outside the place is looking at Woody. We move down the line to pick up our order. Woody looks a bit confused as to why everyone is looking at him.

Me: Oh yeah. I just remembered. That thing about the brotherly love? I just made that up.

John Smith Falls Asleep After Dart Excitement

First let me say that when "John Smith" got 3 bulls eyes in last nights dart game in Calhoun's garage - I was proud of the rascal. That pride turned to shame when I found out that he fell asleep on Calhoun's garage floor right on top of the newly stenciled Elvis art:

..and as the story goes, Calhoun just left him there, curling up to the letter "V" dreaming of the moment a few weeks ago when the two of them stenciled the floor and their noses brushed briefly. Were there briefs thoughts of homosexual experimentation? Probably. Was he pretending the "V" was Calhoun's back and he was spooning it in an ever so tender way? Probably. All I'm saying is that I am totally straight so don't get any funny ideas.

Also, note in the Elvis picture above the famous chair that is still not completed. Read all about it in this post from days of old.

And lastly, word on the street is that Calhoun threw up in the morning. Nice. Nice.