Life Lessons Learned

Today KSL highlighted an article with Elizabeth Smart. In the article she said something that resonated with me and I hope that I can live my life with the same optimistic outlook.

"Nobody is trial-free, but we have a choice. We can choose to allow our experiences to hold us back, and to not allow us to become great or achieve greatness in this life. Or we can allow our experiences to push us forward, to make us grateful for every day we have and to be all the more thankful for those who are around us."

Parallel Lives

Today I was reminded once again how similar my life is to a year ago—different situations but parallel in circumstance. Last year on this exact day, the last Monday in March, someone's decision made me mad. Okay not mad. Furious. Outraged. Tasmanian devil, hair on fire, incensed at what had just unfolded. (Someone once asked my sister if she was always happy. She responded, "90% of the time." "What about the other 10%?" "You don't want to see that 10%." That's where I was. At the 10%.) It took me THREE days to calm down! It may have continued longer than that, but the Lord was looking out for me. I was shopping at the Outlets in Park City, standing in GAP, when I heard a voice. "Thamina, either you trust me or you don't." I stopped. What? It came again. "Either you trust me or you don't." I stopped for a second. Realized the simplicity of the statement. Exhaled. And released all anger with that breath. I trusted the Lord. I made some decisions that day that forever changed my life.

We don't get many opportunities in life to have a do-over or a second chance at something, but I found myself in a parallel situation. Someone's actions had an effect on me and I got another shot to "try again." Instead of reacting quickly, I took a moment for me. I thought about what I really wanted, what outcome I was hoping for, and what I needed to do to get that result. I care about this person and didn't want to be mad, even though I had every right to be. I read my scriptures seeking guidance, and I was filled with compassion and kindness as I read about the atonement and the infinite mercy of our Lord and Savior (Thank-you Alma!). I knew then how to respond. Still not sure of the outcome. We'll see on this one. But I'm grateful I had a chance to act differently.

Thoughts of the Day

Instead of creating a bunch of different blog posts, I thought you'd enjoy the random thoughts that go through my head each day.

A week or so ago, a guy emailed me on an online dating site. He looked like a nice guy so I responded. We emailed a couple of times until the guy's email last night. He gave me a nickname. Not just any nickname. One I detest. I shouldn't judge him for trying to be flirty, but seriously?! He doesn't know me well enough to shorten my name.

At work today, a co-worker explained that she drank hot water because she heard it was better to drink water that was close to body temperature. Now that just sounded weird to me. Hot water was better than cold water? Does your body care? And wouldn't it require more energy to heat up the cold water which would help you lose weight or even speed up your metabolism? I know I'm not a doctor or nutritionist but random health claims always remind me of my sister. Whenever somebody claims something is all natural, her reply is "So is dirt."

This morning as I was laying in bed I decided I wasn't going to do something. Then as I was getting ready, I had a clear thought that went completely contrary to what I said I wasn't going to do. I should learn not to say "I never" but I did start to wonder. When is it a random thought or something I want to do, and when is it a spiritual impression? I'm over 30. You'd think I'd have that figured out by now, but I don't. I decided that something that clear and specific should be acted upon. Better to act then wonder "what if". However, I'm still not sure on this one.

I found this quote today and thought, "Yes! I'm getting there!" I felt like the spirited me was on the comeback. “The archetypal extrovert prefers action to contemplation, risk-talking to heed-taking, certainty to doubt. He favors quick decisions, even at the risk of being wrong.” I read that after I acted on the thought from the morning. Taking a risk and hoping for the best.

Girl Brain on Steroids

This week has been bit of a trying week. We all have those moments when we feel off our game or out of sorts. Add deleting a bunch of documents, pictures, and emails from the past few years and I became a mixed mess of emotions. What's interesting about this situation is my logical, rational brain knew exactly what was going on and kept trying to tell what I call "Girl Brain" to calm down. Then one day, I had a realization about myself and the tactics the adversary uses against us. Here's my story:

On Monday I woke up with a big weight on my soul. I wanted to give up on future possibilities. Didn't think I could handle anymore uncertainty in life. As I drove to work, I started thinking about how I was feeling and realized I was discouraged about the current situation, had been distracted by frivolous pursuits of nothingness all weekend along, and was doubting all the good things that had happened the week before. It's as if a light turned on in my brain! I knew the adversary was working heavily on me and that I had even let him in a bit by choosing to be distracted with technology.

That really opened my mind and heart to the whisperings of the Spirit. I had to choose to push these outside influences out of me so that I could make room for the Spirit in my life. The rest of my Monday was filled with the fruits of the Spirit and I'm grateful that I was able to "snap out of it" as quickly as I did.

Of course the adversary didn't give up that easily. We still had a few battles this week but I knew I was being attacked by the adversary with how I was feeling. What I needed most was how to arm myself and fight off the assault. This scripture and going to the temple gave me the tools and the power I needed. My commentary is in parentheses.

2 Timothy 1:7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear (that's a tactic of the adversary. Remember Moses and Satan in the book of Moses....Where is thy glory, for it is darkness unto me? And I can judge between thee and God....Get thee hence, Satan; deceive me not. [Moses 1:13–16]....And it came to pass that Moses began to fear exceedingly; and as he began to fear, he saw the bitterness of hell. Nevertheless, calling upon God [the very phrase used by Joseph Smith], he received strength, and he commanded, saying: Depart from me, Satan, for this one God only will I worship, which is the God of glory. [Moses 1:19–22])

but of power (power of the priesthood, power of temple covenants, faith, agency, gift of the Holy Ghost),

and of love (Love of God, charity, Love for fellowman),

and of a sound mind (think of the promises given in the initiatory ordinances; D&C 6:23 - Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?).

I'm realizing that the tactics of the adversary come many times throughout our day. I can't force situations and others' choices, but I can choose to serve the Lord and not become subject to the 5 Ds (discouragement, doubt, deceive, distract, and disqualify). So though my life isn't playing out as fast as I want it to, I know the Lord is guiding my path. I know He does have great things planned for me. I felt that to be the truth on Monday and today. Whenever I feel discouraged or distracted or doubtful, I remind myself that the Lord is in charge and He does not work with those emotions. He uses peace, caution, or warning.

So I write this to testify of the goodness of the Lord and the miraculous hand He has played in my life especially recently, but I also write to remind myself. Never give up on the Lord. Never give up on those you care most about. Never give up on the promised blessings that are so close you can taste it but need a bit more time before they are yours. Promises will be fulfilled and the Lord will provide the way.

Tonight I had a very uplifting talk with a female student I mentor. She has many concerns that center around finding a full-time job in the same place her husband is accepted for medical school. Her fears come from not following the same path as those around her, not doing all she can now to find a job, and not knowing for sure what the future holds for her. We were able to talk about the will of the Lord and pressing forward in spite of not having a clear understanding of the future. It made me feel good to have her say she needed her monthly "Thamina check" to help her feel confident and hopeful in the decisions she is making. This is one reason I still continue to mentor students. I feel like I am able to make a difference in someone's life.

Our conversation then turned to one of greater gospel significance. We began talking about agency and the trials of Abraham. While talking, I had an insight that brought a whole new understanding to the events of Abraham and Isaac and completely placing our will on the alter of the Lord. I had never pieced this together before, and I'm not going to go into detail here, but I realized that it wasn't just Abraham's test. It was also Isaac's. Isaac has now become a symbol for me of completely submitting to the will of his father. Complete trust. Complete faith. For some reason this small insight completely changed my perspective about the trials I am facing. How grateful I am for personal revelation and continued understanding of the Gospel.

I'm also extremely grateful for another realization I had tonight. I believe in happy endings. Not the "Once upon a time...and everyone lived happily ever after" kind. But the "And God remembered Rachel" kind. The Lord "hath heard the prayers of His people" kind. The "all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good" kind. I believe in my happily ever after.

Advice from HBR

I read (or skim) many business articles each day. My favorites come from Harvard Business Review's Management Tip of the Day. These short snippets always get me to read the entire article, because often their advice links well to both my professional and personal life.

Here are two of my recent favorites. The first rang true as many unexpected events seem to happen in my life. It's the subtitle of my blog. It actually reminds me of the scripture in 2 Nephi 2:26 "To act for themselves and not to be acted upon." I have a tendency to fly off the handle when the unexpected comes my way. I'm working on not doing that and these three steps have helped me with that goal.

3 Ways to Handle the Unexpected
Trying to predict the future is futile. Instead, be ready to respond. When the unexpected arrives at your door, do these three things:
Stop. If you feel pressured to make a decision, stop what you're doing. Give yourself a chance to think before acting.
Assess your options. Don't waste time wishing things were different. Think about the best outcome in the given situation, the information you have at hand, and the available resources. Then lay out your options.
Move forward. Based on your new assessment, make a decision and commit. Even if the decision isn't ideal, accept that it's the best under the circumstances.

The second article validated what I was already trying to do: not let stress control my life. Elder Scott once spoke about making choices and understanding the difference between worries and concerns. I've re-read this talk multiple times as I have encountered stressful situations. Learning to deconstruct my own feelings then acting accordingly is still a work in progress.

Turn Stress into an Asset
Stress is unavoidable, but it doesn't have to be damaging. When managed correctly, strain can positively impact productivity and performance. Here are three things you can do to make stress work for you:
Recognize worry for what it is. Stress is a feeling, not a sign of dysfunction. When you start to worry, realize it's an indication that you care about something, not a cause for panic.
Focus on what you can control. Too many people feel bad about things they simply can't change. Remember what you can affect and what you can't.
Create a supportive network. Knowing you have somebody to turn to can help a lot. Build relationships so that you have people to rely on in times of stress.

I really like the last point. My family and friends have been a tremendous support to me. They've been there for the good and bad, and more often than not, carried me through the overwhelmingly stressful times.

Taking Action

Since most of you are friends or family that read my blog, I thought I would explain my Giving Up post. Seth Godin, a marketing guru, explained, "Action, even ineffective action, is something societies seek out during times of uncertainty." I have felt the need to make things happen. To act and not be acted upon. To make decisions. To press forward. To seek out a better way.

I was feeling that sense of uncertainty and so I set out to make things happen. I became extremely frustrated in trying to make things happen. I was ready to give up. That night at the temple, I realized that having a plan was good but my plan wasn't the best thing for me. The Lord provided insight into what I could do to "make things happen" and to "press forward". Basically, I needed to focus more on the "Don't worry" part of life instead of the "Everything is going to work out" part. In doing that I have been able to make some new friends, find a balance with work and life, and feel less anxious about the future. I am very grateful for a Lord who is keenly aware of me and answers my prayers.

A Missed Opportunity

The past few months have caused quite the self reflection in myself and in the world around me. An event happened yesterday that made me think about missed opportunities.

I went into work last Friday to tell my now former boss that I was not going to renew my contract with the company. She wasn’t there, nor any of the other executives. I finally decided, after consulting with my brother-in-law, to send her an email. I was polite and thanked her for the opportunity to learn and grow at the company but that I had chosen not to continue when my contract expired at the end of March.

I saw my boss Monday but she said nothing to me. When I got home, I saw an email asking me to meet with her on Tuesday. I went into that meeting with trepidation. If you knew all the details, you would understand why I felt that way. I sat down and she proceeded to offer me a full time position with the company! I was dumbfounded! Last week when offering me a lead role, she mentioned she might consider increasing my contract rate, and now she was offering me a full-time position with benefits. I was grateful that after all this time she finally complimented my work but she was too late! I had already accepted with Corda.

This caused me to really reflect on the decisions I have made and the missed opportunities in my life because I waited too long and didn’t seize the moment when it was given to me. I have made a resolve to be more proactive and not let options or good things pass me by even when the outcome is not guaranteed (remember vulnerability?).

As President Monson reminded us, “Decisions are constantly before us. To make them wisely, courage is needed—the courage to say no, the courage to say yes. Decisions do determine destiny.” So here is to courage and vulnerability and not missing out on all the life has to offer me. Thanks former job for another lesson learned!

Paradox of Choice

As I was listening to another TED talk, I realized the insights the speaker presented were far more valuable when examined with a gospel lens.

First the context. Barry Schwartz talks about the paradox of choice. In his estimation, choice has made us not freer but more paralyzed, not happier but more dissatisfied. We are bombarded with consuming questions about our choices: big things, small things, material things, and lifestyle things. In a western, industrialized, affluent society, we have an incredible freedom of choice. However, we have to decide again and again and again. Should I be doing “X”?

All of this choice has two negative effects:
1) It produces paralysis instead of liberation. With so many options to choose from, people find it very difficult to choose at all.

a. Example: For every 10 mutual funds the employer offered, the rate of participation went down 2%. Making a decision was so hard employees passed the opportunity for matching money from the employer and opted out simply by not making a choice.

2) Even if we manage to overcome paralysis and to make a choice, we end up less satisfied with the result of the choice than we would be if we had fewer options to choose from.

a. It is easy to imagine that you could have made a different choice that would have been better.
b. Opportunity Costs – When there are lots of alternatives to consider, it is easy to imagine the attractive features of the alternatives you reject that make you less satisfied with the alternative you have chosen. Opportunity costs subtract from the satisfaction from what we choose even when what we choose is terrific.
c. Escalation of expectations – With all these options available, our expectations of how good the results of our choice go up. We become less satisfied with the results even when they are good results.

His secret to happiness is low expectations. This reminds me of Yellowstone road trip I took with some good friends. Our theme? "Low expectations and a positive attitude and you won’t be disappointed." We all had a blast!

Schwartz concludes that some choice is better than no choice but more choice is not better than some choice.

I thought about this in regards to agency. In the pre-existence, we fought for the right to choose. Lucifer tried to thwart the Father’s plan and strip of us our agency. But the adversary didn’t recognize what President Monson stated so clearly, “…none would be any wiser, any stronger, any more compassionate, or any more grateful if his plan were followed.” Think about it. The right to choose is a gift from Heavenly Father and one that we fought to have in our lives.

As I reflected on this principle, I thought of a situation from the TV show The Biggest Loser. In a challenge, the contestants were competing for the right to choose their trainer. One of the contestants, who happens to be from Utah, decided she didn’t want to make the choice. She was going to lose so she wouldn’t have to decide. Then her fellow team members, who also happen to be from Utah, began telling her she had the right to choose and not to give that up. They encouraged her to finish the competition so she could make the decision for herself. As I see it, “To act and not be acted upon” (2 Nephi 2:26).

I have realized how cunning and sneaky the adversary is in our lives. He knows that if he gives us more choices than we can handle, we may abandon this precious gift. We step aside. We relent. We give up. He attacks agency not by taking away our choices but by presenting us with so many options that we become overwhelmed or unsatisfied.

In coming to this epiphany, I have started valuing my opinions, my choices, and my decisions. I used to blame not liking shopping on frugality or not having time or some other excuse. I now realize that one reason I don’t like shopping is too many options. Instead, I need to step up and not let it paralyze me. Yes, I know this is a simple example but I think it is relevant. I am trying to be more decisive and not let regret or paralysis or dissatisfaction (buyer’s remorse) tarnish the gift of agency that has been given to me.

Recently, I was helping my parents plan a trip. With all the hotel options out there, I could have let it overwhelm me. Instead, I remembered the insights about agency and began tackling the problem. I knew the parameters of cost, amenities, and location. With that in hand, I began searching. I found six great options. I utilized the Excel nerd in me and sorted out all the information until it was plain to see the benefits and drawbacks of each choice. Once again, a simple example but one that could easily overwhelm someone.

I could talk/write about this topic for pages, but I won’t. Remember, agency is a gift from the Lord. Value the opportunity to choose. Relish in it and rejoice in it.

Quote of the Day

We're surrounded by people who are busy getting their ducks in a row, waiting for just the right moment...

Getting your ducks in a row is a fine thing to do. But deciding what you are you going to do with that duck is a far more important issue.

--Seth Godin (Marketing guru)

Gratitude Day 16

1- Making it through the day. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and wonder how am I going to survive today? But somehow, after pushing the covers aside, I find a way. Today was one of those days. I made it! Now I just need to get through tomorrow...

2- Speaking in church. I enjoy speaking in church. I just have an incredible fear because I always seem to be tested or tried with the very topic I had to prepare. I was asked to speak in church on Sunday. The topic: tithing. Hopefully I'll be okay on this one as I can't afford any other major setbacks this week.

3- Agency. This may seem like an odd one but I am realizing more and more how precious this gift is in our lives. We fought for it in the pre-existence and though we may find it burdensome in this life, especially when others' choices impact us, I am grateful for the opportunity to choose. I have a choice in life. I can choose to be depressed or happy. I can choose to be bitter or hopeful. I can choose loneliness or sociality. I can choose despair or faith. Most importantly, I can choose to follow my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and allow His love to fill my soul and direct me in His paths. What a blessing choice is in our lives.

AOG - Day 17

1- I am grateful for agency. Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself (2 Nephi 2:16).

2- I am grateful for be willing to take risks in life. I don't risk my health or my safety. But I take a chance on people, on opportunities, on new ideas.

3- I am grateful for Jane Austen. As my sister's roommate once said, "Where's my Mr. Knightly?"

Gratitude - Day 23

1. I am grateful for the ability to choose. Agency truly is a gift.

2. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn about other people. I am constantly amazed at how the experiences of others teach me understanding, perspective, and kindness.

3. I am grateful for my family. Anytime someone in the family needs help, everyone rallies to the cause. When my nephew began having grand-maul seizures, the family immediately began a fast for my nephew and his family. When my sister unexpectedly had twins, my siblings immediately began emailing one another discussing ways we could help. They support and strengthen me, and I love them!