And so it begins

1. Old job - I started out the month helping interview for my replacement. No one really stood out to me and my friend in Palo Alto reminded me when I was there visiting in September that "It's not my problem." Having multiple friends in HR has been very helpful.

My friend Annie

My friend Karen

My "Legit 50" crew

Domo rooster

So I can remember when they make it big

2. New job - The old job ended on a Friday and the new one started on a Monday. I didn't quite know what to expect and since I hadn't heard from my new boss, I spent the day packing for my move across the country. The next day I flew to San Francisco for our annual users conference where I met too many people and spent too much time helping people from the old job figure out what I had been doing. Apparently my efforts the last few months to do knowledge transfer fell on deaf ears. 

Advocate friends from Deer Valley ski trip

3. Running - In the middle of all of this, I was training for a half marathon. I really enjoyed starting the race with two of my sisters and my niece. They finished well ahead of me but I still finished close to my goal (only five minutes slower). 

Halloween Half

Finished!

4. Last minute things - I had time to get in one more cabin trip, one more BYU football game, and one more last goodbye. Tears fell multiple times.

My home :(

Cabin time

Cabin memories

Skyline drive at sunset

One more football game

One more story with Max

One more Fairbanks group hug

One more Woolston group hug

5. Eyes - I was at the eye doctor every 2-3 days. I was there so often the receptionist would call me out by name telling me she had already checked me in as I walked through the door. The doctor prescribed two different types of antibiotic drops, two different types of steroid drops, and multiple natural tears drops. My wallet hurt. My eyes hurt. And I still couldn't see clearly. I could only see clearly once I used the natural tears. Yes I drove. But my vision was only slightly worse than before the surgery so I knew how to compensate. Gratefully, the infection cleared and I had minimal to no scarring on my eyes. I continued the steroid and regular eye drops until Christmas when I saw the doctor again. Everything healed beautifully and I can see perfectly. It just took a long process to get me there.

Too many drops

6. Moving - My sister stepped into my mom's shoes and helped me drive across country. I decided to have everything shipped since I didn't know exactly where I'd be moving. Best decision! I had two cousins (one in Colorado and one in Missouri) who let us stay at their homes. Early November 1st, my sister and I rolled into Virginia...my new home. (See post here about the moving process.)

Eastern Colorado

Western Kansas

Eastern Kansas

St. Louis

I'm back...

well sort of. I realized the last post I wrote was in August and it was kind of depressing. Not me at all. I'm happy to report that the optimistic, full of hope me is back. I think (I hope). I have so much I need to record, but all of my pictures are on my other computer and the battery is dead. I really should start bringing my power cord home if I'm going to use my work computer to play games and stuff. Anyway, I'm off topic. Updates will begin this weekend when I will not be working. Yes. I finally figured out this whole "I have a million things to do for work and can never do them all."

How did I solve this problem? Easy. I crossed off all the things on my list that were never going to happen, and when someone asked if he could help, gave him something that still needed to get done. Next, I talked with my boss about key issues that were bothering me. That wasn't easy. It required a lot of humility on my part to admit I couldn't do everything. She was more supportive than I anticipated. Now the biggest issue still isn't resolved, but both she and I are working on it. Hoping for something good soon. I also decided that if I worked two 12-hour days each week, I could have my weekends. That may seem horrible, but it's made a difference for me. I get a lot done when everyone leaves the office, and I can focus on meetings and group projects when everyone is there. The biggest change I made was shifting my attitude. I realized I could whine and complain about a situation or I could approach each day with a renewed optimism and a determination not to let things bother me. Easier said than done. But it's made a world of difference. I feel a bit more like Nephi "Nevertheless I went forth" than Laman and Lemuel "Grumble in the morning; grumble at night..." I feel more like myself AND I'm loving my job again.

Good things are coming from this change in me and at work. First, I'm taking next Friday off for a weekend in California and a couple of days in October while traveling for work in Boston. Really excited about that one. Yay for being able to go on vacation! Second, working late has given me more interactions with my CEO. Tuesday night I was working late and as he was heading out the door with a group to go to dinner, he shouted out to me that I was invited too. Well, the CEO invited me to dinner. I wasn't going to pass that up. What a great evening! Had so much fun with the CEO, a couple of other execs, and co-workers. New mantra: When the CEO invites you to dinner, drop everything and go. Totally worth it! Third, I'm loving my church calling and the girls. I'm the Laurel adviser. What a fun calling! The girls and I have decided that every 2nd Sunday is treat night at my place. These girls bring such joy into my life. They know I'm busy with work and experienced it the other night when I logged onto the internet at the church building to email something before a deadline and before we took off for the activity. They laughed with me about that, but also understood me a bit more which helped them open up about themselves.

So life is good. Still many bumps. But I'm handling things much better now. More updates on the fun adventures of me coming soon.

He Hears Me

Today I had the sweetest experience. I attended the wedding of a good friend and was overcome with emotion when the sealer walked into the room. Years ago, this sealer Elder Dennis E. Simmons gave a talk titled "But If Not..." in general conference and it has become my foundation for life, especially when I'm approaching a difficult decision or being bombarded with adversity.

I've been so busy with work lately. Since my boss left in June, I average 10-12 hour work days. I usually work late on Friday evenings and most Saturdays. I struggle to not work on Sunday because I have a meeting first thing Monday morning, my new boss wants the presentation Sunday evenings (she isn't LDS) to review, and I usually don't get the numbers I need from people until Saturday evening if not Sunday morning. On Wednesday at 5:30, a bunch of assignments were piled on my plate even though I had already scheduled to have Thursday and Friday off. So, I worked until 1am until I was too tired to think, then got up the next day and worked another four hours, barely having enough time to help my parents which is why I took the time off in the first place. I worked everyday of my family's yearly vacation; my brother invited me to California with his family at the end of July and I felt I could only take two days off if I wanted a real vacation; and today I received a notice from my boss telling me I couldn't take any more time off until I had two people trained on our marketing automation system (something I've spent more than 100+ hours learning) because a catastrophe happened today and I wasn't around to fix it. And if I'm honest in this confession, the person who emailed the rant about not having a backup for me could have fixed the problem if he'd have looked at the situation more closely. No worries though. I solved the problem even though I had taken today off to be at my friend's wedding.

So when the sealer started with saying, "It's good to be in the temple today..." I began to cry. It was so good to be in the temple, to feel the peace of the Spirit without being bogged down by worldly cares. He continued reminding us that the world would have us pursue wealth but the Lord reminds we should only seek that which is sufficient for our needs. I realized that so much of my time and decisions center around something that is fourth or fifth on my priority list. I've been praying the past few months to know what to do and how to change my situation. I don't have an answer, but I know the Lord is aware of my need. He sent a tender mercy my way today. One that was very much needed.

Quote of the Day

"Optimism is not so much about feeling happy, nor necessarily a belief that everything will be fine, but about how we respond when times get tough. Optimists tend to keep going, even when it seems as if the whole world is against them." —Elaine Fox, a psychologist at the University of Essex in England

I hope to be remembered as an optimist.

Holding On For Dear Life

I love xkcd. I'm a bit of a tech nerd and find their comics hilarious. But they also find a way to capture the human emotion. I find myself facing many decision right now and yet not knowing any of the options. So here I am holding on for dear life as I'm hurtled along life's path faster than I possibly know how to go. Here goes nothing...

Scariest Thing Imaginable

Whenever something new or overwhelming comes my way, I find myself paralyzed, unable to move. I've had a few of those recently. After talking with my boss a few weeks ago about a frustration at work, I realized I didn't understand the depth of the feelings I was experiencing. I took some time over that weekend to reflect on what was holding me back and realized, after reading an article, that it was fear. The author had asked his audience to tell him their biggest fears. The results astounded me. The most common two fears were quite...contrary.

1. Fear of failure
2. Fear of success

After the conversation with my boss, I was assigned new projects at work, something that nobody was working on or had worked on, and I was now responsible for them. Though I was excited about this idea, it also generated quite the internal conflict between failure and success. What if I completely bombed the projects? What if I succeeded, raised expectations, and then failed? What would they think of me then?

I feared failure but the thought of success was just as unnerving. I know. Sounds crazy. But it was the reality I was living in. And I found those same feelings came with thoughts of dating.

Of course, the author also brought up exactly what I was trying to avoid. "In between failure and success lies comfort and mediocrity. Living in comfort isn’t really living at all...Comfort is a feeling that holds us back. Comfort keeps us mediocre." In trying not to fail, I was allowing myself to be average and boring. I was holding on to the status quo. To really grow and become more, I had to take that leap of faith, break out of my shell, and embrace change.

So I'm tackling a few projects, both professionally and personally, that are challenging me. I have no idea how any of this will play out, but I'm trying. I'm plowing forward and doing all I can—which, ironically, in one case is to do nothing. I'm already seeing great results at work. Now, I'm just waiting to see how all this personal stuff plays out. Going to be an interesting adventure but one that will be far more enjoyable than sitting around waiting comfortably in my pseudo-protected bubble. Whenever I'm feeling nervous or discomfort or fear, I remember a favorite movie quote*, strap on my Calvin suit, and face the world head-on.

*"Okay, so the scariest environment imaginable. Thanks. That's all you gotta say, scariest environment imaginable."

Life Lessons Learned

Today KSL highlighted an article with Elizabeth Smart. In the article she said something that resonated with me and I hope that I can live my life with the same optimistic outlook.

"Nobody is trial-free, but we have a choice. We can choose to allow our experiences to hold us back, and to not allow us to become great or achieve greatness in this life. Or we can allow our experiences to push us forward, to make us grateful for every day we have and to be all the more thankful for those who are around us."

Quote of the Day

‎"There is no royal road to anything worth having. We must work for what we get. The prizes are not for the weaklings and triflers, but for the persistent, earnest individuals who will “hang on” until they succeed." -Theron Q. Dumont

Parallel Lives

Today I was reminded once again how similar my life is to a year ago—different situations but parallel in circumstance. Last year on this exact day, the last Monday in March, someone's decision made me mad. Okay not mad. Furious. Outraged. Tasmanian devil, hair on fire, incensed at what had just unfolded. (Someone once asked my sister if she was always happy. She responded, "90% of the time." "What about the other 10%?" "You don't want to see that 10%." That's where I was. At the 10%.) It took me THREE days to calm down! It may have continued longer than that, but the Lord was looking out for me. I was shopping at the Outlets in Park City, standing in GAP, when I heard a voice. "Thamina, either you trust me or you don't." I stopped. What? It came again. "Either you trust me or you don't." I stopped for a second. Realized the simplicity of the statement. Exhaled. And released all anger with that breath. I trusted the Lord. I made some decisions that day that forever changed my life.

We don't get many opportunities in life to have a do-over or a second chance at something, but I found myself in a parallel situation. Someone's actions had an effect on me and I got another shot to "try again." Instead of reacting quickly, I took a moment for me. I thought about what I really wanted, what outcome I was hoping for, and what I needed to do to get that result. I care about this person and didn't want to be mad, even though I had every right to be. I read my scriptures seeking guidance, and I was filled with compassion and kindness as I read about the atonement and the infinite mercy of our Lord and Savior (Thank-you Alma!). I knew then how to respond. Still not sure of the outcome. We'll see on this one. But I'm grateful I had a chance to act differently.

Girl Brain on Steroids

This week has been bit of a trying week. We all have those moments when we feel off our game or out of sorts. Add deleting a bunch of documents, pictures, and emails from the past few years and I became a mixed mess of emotions. What's interesting about this situation is my logical, rational brain knew exactly what was going on and kept trying to tell what I call "Girl Brain" to calm down. Then one day, I had a realization about myself and the tactics the adversary uses against us. Here's my story:

On Monday I woke up with a big weight on my soul. I wanted to give up on future possibilities. Didn't think I could handle anymore uncertainty in life. As I drove to work, I started thinking about how I was feeling and realized I was discouraged about the current situation, had been distracted by frivolous pursuits of nothingness all weekend along, and was doubting all the good things that had happened the week before. It's as if a light turned on in my brain! I knew the adversary was working heavily on me and that I had even let him in a bit by choosing to be distracted with technology.

That really opened my mind and heart to the whisperings of the Spirit. I had to choose to push these outside influences out of me so that I could make room for the Spirit in my life. The rest of my Monday was filled with the fruits of the Spirit and I'm grateful that I was able to "snap out of it" as quickly as I did.

Of course the adversary didn't give up that easily. We still had a few battles this week but I knew I was being attacked by the adversary with how I was feeling. What I needed most was how to arm myself and fight off the assault. This scripture and going to the temple gave me the tools and the power I needed. My commentary is in parentheses.

2 Timothy 1:7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear (that's a tactic of the adversary. Remember Moses and Satan in the book of Moses....Where is thy glory, for it is darkness unto me? And I can judge between thee and God....Get thee hence, Satan; deceive me not. [Moses 1:13–16]....And it came to pass that Moses began to fear exceedingly; and as he began to fear, he saw the bitterness of hell. Nevertheless, calling upon God [the very phrase used by Joseph Smith], he received strength, and he commanded, saying: Depart from me, Satan, for this one God only will I worship, which is the God of glory. [Moses 1:19–22])

but of power (power of the priesthood, power of temple covenants, faith, agency, gift of the Holy Ghost),

and of love (Love of God, charity, Love for fellowman),

and of a sound mind (think of the promises given in the initiatory ordinances; D&C 6:23 - Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?).

I'm realizing that the tactics of the adversary come many times throughout our day. I can't force situations and others' choices, but I can choose to serve the Lord and not become subject to the 5 Ds (discouragement, doubt, deceive, distract, and disqualify). So though my life isn't playing out as fast as I want it to, I know the Lord is guiding my path. I know He does have great things planned for me. I felt that to be the truth on Monday and today. Whenever I feel discouraged or distracted or doubtful, I remind myself that the Lord is in charge and He does not work with those emotions. He uses peace, caution, or warning.

So I write this to testify of the goodness of the Lord and the miraculous hand He has played in my life especially recently, but I also write to remind myself. Never give up on the Lord. Never give up on those you care most about. Never give up on the promised blessings that are so close you can taste it but need a bit more time before they are yours. Promises will be fulfilled and the Lord will provide the way.

Here We Go Again

Do you remember what was happening this time last year? I do. Keenly aware. I would categorize it as one of the most difficult times of my life. To say I was vulnerable would be an understatement. Uncertain. Shattered. Petrified. Lost. Those would be more accurate descriptions. Only a few saw that side. The rest of you saw me playing a part. Strong. Hopeful. Determined. But I was a wreck. Vulnerability was out the door. I was done and had no idea how I was going to do each day.

That experience taught me about my own strength and the miraculous timing of the Lord. Recently, the Lord has shown me once again that He does hear my prayers and answers come in the most unforeseen ways. (Though I would love to provide all the details now, I'm a bit superstitious and don't want to jinx any situation or outcome so please forgive the vague explanation.)

I actually find myself in a parallel circumstance to last year. No, the world is not coming to an end. But I am faced with something that I'm cautiously optimistic about. Like the job opportunity, this situation isn't playing out in any normal or typical fashion. Good things happen, then waiting. More good things happen, and then more waiting. My expectations of what I think should happen and when things should happen have all been thrown out the window and surprisingly, I feel peace about that. And that's what scares me. I feel peace about not knowing the outcome. So bring on the vulnerability and the unknown amounts of waiting. One day it will all come together. In preparation for that, I'm suiting up like Calvin, because "something could happen today and if anything does, by golly, I'm going to be ready for it!" The Lord is in charge and somehow, in His own way and His own timing, miracles will occur.

Good Intentions and New Direction

My goal this weekend was to post about my trip to Washington DC, New York, and Disneyland. Well, guess who forgot to bring her power chord home? Yep. Me. But how, may you ask, am I posting right now? Well, I forgot the power chord to my work computer and the battery has now died. So I'm using my home laptop which doesn't have any of my recent pictures and posts about trips are no good without a visual aid. Never fear, I'll get those posted this week.

And now for the new direction. I'm finally, I think, out of the funk I've been in for the past while. In being so, I've decided to be a bit more honest on my blog. You all know I have a blog tracker. I seem to have regular visitors and most of you are friends and family. I have nothing to hide and hope that my life experiences can bring a smile to your face or insights into your own lives. Which means all of this may become a lot more personal. Now the really personal stuff will go into my journal. I'm starting that back up again because I needed to document some good things that happened recently. Nothing life changing. Just a tender mercy of the Lord. He does hear and answer prayers. You'll get that story soon.

To end this post, I wanted to share a quote from one of my new favorite shows Once Upon a Time. On tonight's episode, Grumpy says to Snow after her heart was broken (you have to see the episode because it really is cute), "I need my pain. It makes me who I am. It makes me Grumpy." I love this line. It helps me realize that turning off the pain or trying to drown it out doesn't help us one bit. All the adversity, struggles, and disappointments have made me who I am. It makes me Thamina.

I'm sitting here on my last night of Thanksgiving vacation enjoying the BYU basketball game online and the Stanford v. Notre Dame football game on the TV. No, I'm not a big Stanford or Notre Dame fan. But I do like a good football game and it's halftime at the basketball game. While enjoying the two games, I wanted to record some reflections I have been having.

The past few days have been really nice. I haven't had to worry about planning and preparing dinner (Thanks Mom!) or wake up to an alarm clock. I would wake up when I wanted to. Work out when I wanted to. And eat when I wanted to. It's been so nice compared to the daily grind I usually face. Christmas lights have been put up at my parents' house and my favorite time of year has started.

I'll be honest, I'm nervous. I'm making a move from a place that is comfortable and predictable to a place where I have no guarantees. I wonder if I should have waited until after Christmas to move but then remind myself that I couldn't stay where I was any longer. Too anxious feeling like I was sitting still. I needed to feel like I was moving forward and doing all without really knowing what all was or is.

I am grateful for the need to press forward with faith and this past year has been the epitome of moving forward into the darkness while seeking the light and the path the Lord needs me to follow. At times I have been downtrodden and worn out both physically and emotionally, and then the light would appear. The Lord strengthened me to keep going. Going where, I wasn't quite sure. But He has fulfilled His promise to me that He would lead be my by the hand. Many times I have felt carried.

Corrie ten Boom tells the story of learning the importance of gratitude from her sister Betsy during their imprisonment at Ravensbruck Concentration Camp. Betsy reminded Corrie that they needed to express their gratitude in all things including the fleas. Corrie could not even to begin to fathom being grateful for the fleas. Yet she expressed gratitude for the fleas. Every day they were able to hold Bible study and teach those around them. They couldn't figure out why the guards never interrupted their study. Then one day Betsy figured it out. The guards did not enter the barracks because of the fleas. The very things that agitated the girls and made their bodies itch were the very things that protected their Bible study.

So this day, I am grateful for the "fleas" in my life. Those things that agitate me. That get under my skin. That somehow compel me to keep trying, to look for the positive, and to teach me how to be a better disciple of Christ.

I am grateful for all those who have served our country and dedicated their lives to protecting our freedom. Tonight I was able to attend a concert with Peter Breinholt that paid tribute to our veterans. Plus my niece was in the orchestra and it was fun to hear her play.

I am grateful that every time I hit a brick wall or fall down, the Lord helps me find a way to stand up and keep moving forward. Tonight I feel like He picked me up and carried me.

I am grateful for a wonderful mother. Not being my best self, I snapped at her for no good reason. When I called to apologize, she wanted to know what she could do to help me. She could tell something was wrong. Grateful that she knows me well enough to know when I need help.

I am grateful that even though I wanted to move to Australia today, I didn't. I'm grateful that I didn't say what I really wanted to say, because as much as I want to say something, in this case, I can't be the one that goes first. I am grateful for Krystal and Mel because they just get it. I don't need to explain anything.

Month of Gratitude

It's that time of year again and it is perfect timing. November is my month of gratitude. No whining. No complaining. Just focusing on all that I have been blessed with.

I am grateful I made it through October. This month has challenged me in ways I never could have imagined. Just when I thought I had been pushed to my limit, another unexpected surprise came around the corner. The Lord strengthened me and helped me through each day, and at times, He gave me angels that carried me.

I am grateful I made it through the past year. Never did I expect the challenges that hit me. I've had struggles that helped me recognize how much I value my relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. This morning I was reading in Hebrews 10 which sparked a reflection on the past year and this deepening affection. "But call to remembrance the former days, in which, after ye were illuminated, ye endured a great fight of afflictions...Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompense of reward. For ye have need of patience that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise." I have felt that "great fight of affliction" but also understand why Paul said we "glory in tribulation." I have felt "opposition in all things" and have a better understanding that "men are that they might have joy." It is called the Plan of Happiness for a reason. I know the Lord is guiding my life, and though I have no idea what path we are traveling down, I know I'm not alone. For that I am eternally grateful.

I am grateful that tonight my colleague, who is not a member of the LDS church, and I were able to share our beliefs about the creation of life and the sacredness of little children. How grateful I am that we are able to have that conversation and that others believe just as strongly as we do in the sacredness of life and of little children. It was a sweet experience to have with someone I work with.

Giving Up

Tonight I was ready to give up. Too tired to try anymore. I was emotionally spent and had nothing left to give. I explained this to the Lord. That I had done everything I knew how to do and had given all I had. I didn't know how to give anything else. The only thing left for me to do was place all my worries in His hands and trust Him completely.

Oh how the Lord blessed me! The tender mercies of the Lord strengthened me tonight while I was serving in the temple. One girl sat next to me at dinner and a really positive conversation resulted from this. Then I saw the mother of a friend of mine. When I introduced myself, she complimented me and related uplifting comments from her son. I ran into the wife of another friend and my conversation with her just added more peace and comfort to my wearied soul.

Nothing has changed really. Circumstances and situations have not been altered. But I have been changed. The Lord knew I needed a little more faith and hope tonight. He strengthened me so I could continue to endure. How grateful I am for the power of the personal prayer, the power of priesthood covenants, the power of the atonement.

All Things Shall Give Thee Experience

Dear Friend,
Yesterday, I received some exciting news that I had been waiting and hoping for, and I wanted to tell you. Corda, a growing tech company, offered me a full-time position as a marketing project manager! I will be responsible for or working on their email, social media, and event marketing. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude. Getting here hasn’t been easy, but the Lord has guided me every step of the way.

You may remember Corda. Back in September, I randomly interviewed for a marketing position with them. Somehow the job mistakenly was placed on the MBA job board. When I interviewed, the team wondered why I was there. I explained how I found the job. They smiled and informed me it was an entry level position, and I knew I was overqualified. I didn't worry about it because I was working at BYU and had hopes for something to work out there. As you know, nothing did.

Then, the joy of finding something in December. I felt the hand of the Lord guiding me there, but if you remember, even after the first few days, I wasn't sold. They had signed me under contract through March and something inside me wondered if I would really be there longer than that.

Things were going well, until I turned down the New York position. Then an HR department’s worst nightmare came true. Some things happened that would make a great HBS case study. And it wasn't just with me. I also realized I had sold myself short. I recognized that I didn't really believe I could hold an MBA position even though I had an MBA degree. I know. It sounds silly. But I had to come to that realization and I had to fight for me.

So began the search. I started pursuing what I really wanted: a marketing tech job. I targeted many companies including Corda. Things in September ended amicably and I had nothing to lose.

February was crazy! I commuted, I worked for Allen, I continued work with BYU, and I interviewed for jobs. Needless to say, I was exhausted (as you could tell from reading my blog).

I hadn’t heard from Corda and had given up on them. Finally, their Director of Marketing emailed me and asked me to come in for an interview. It went really well! I was surprised how well! They invited me in for a second round. Once again, the interviews went smoothly. To be honest, I felt confident they would extend an offer.

Then the trial. Almost a week went by before I heard from them again. The DoM wanted references. Another week. Finally after two weeks, I emailed him in the polite business rhetoric we were taught. The DoM called and told me that they weren’t interviewing anyone else for the position, but were being delayed in extending an offer to me because of an internal need for software engineers. More waiting. March is ending and I’m wondering what to do. Do I sign another contract with Allen? Do I hope they offer me a full-time job? Will Corda really be able to hire me?

The waiting became nerve-wracking. Then disheartening. Then discouraging. I needed some reprieve. I kept doing the things I knew should, and I knew the Lord was still there guiding and directing me. I knew the principle of equal and opposite temptation and that before great moments in life adversity, opposition, and darkness can come. I knew the scripture that if we “never should have bitter [we] could not know the sweet.” Yet, I felt lost and alone.

Gratefully, my parents’ stake conference was that weekend. Elder Nelson and Elder Leavitt, an area seventy, were there to reorganize the stake presidency. (Yes, my dad was released.) Feeling the love of an apostle for me, my family, and our whole stake was just what I needed to keep going.

I decided that no matter what happened, I would trust the Lord. He had guided me this far and had constantly told me not to worry and that everything would work out. On Wednesday, my manager called me in to offer me a new role. Just as I was settling into the idea that I would be staying at Allen, the phone rang. It was Corda.

Even as I write this story I am amazed at the miraculous events that have taken place. It has been a long road but I never would have guessed in September that this is where my job search would lead to. All things really do give us experience. I hope the things I have learned about business and leadership and myself will help me be successful in this new role. If anything, I have an added amount of confidence in my own abilities and in the Lord, and that never would have come without this. The Lord has truly blessed me and I am eternally grateful.

As always,
T-

Power of Vulnerability

A few weeks ago I heard a talk on TED.com about the power of vulnerability. The talk, which I have posted here, produced an interesting introspection within me. I’ve pondered and contemplated the scientific outcomes presented there and weighed those with how I have chosen to live my life and with the counsel I once received to allow myself to be vulnerable.

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com

For those who don’t have time to listen to this twenty minute talk (be aware she does swear a couple of times), here is a recap of the points that stood out to me:

Connections give us purpose and meaning in our lives. In order for connection to happen we have to allow ourselves to be really seen – to be vulnerable.

People who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they are worthy of love and belonging. Our fear that we are not worthy is what keeps us from making connections.

People who have a strong sense of belonging have these things in common:

1. Courage - Definition of Courage: Tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. These people had the courage to be imperfect.
2. Compassion to be kind to themselves first. We can’t practice compassion for others if we can’t treat ourselves kindly.
3. They saw connection as a result of authenticity. They were able to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were.
4. They fully embraced vulnerability and believed what made them vulnerable is what made them beautiful. They believed was necessary and fundamental and had a willingness to do something even when there were no guarantees

Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, and love.

We numb vulnerability. We don’t want to the feel the hard feelings. However, we can’t selectively numb emotions.

1. When we numb the hard feelings, we numb joy, gratitude, and happiness.
2. We need to think about how and why we numb.
3. One thing we try to do is to make everything uncertain, certain.
4. Blame is described as a way to discharge pain and discomfort.
5. This doesn’t work!

What does work?

1. Let ourselves be seen. Deeply seen. Vulnerably seen.
2. Love with whole heart even when there are no guarantees.
3. Practice gratitude and joy even in moments of uncertainty.
4. Believe we are enough.

This post isn’t meant to be a recap of someone else’s research and thoughts, but I wanted you to know what stood out to me in hopes that you would receive your own insights about yourself and to give you the foundation for the most profound insight I found. Do know that I have abbreviated these thoughts because the full extent is far too personal to share in such an informal setting.

As I mentioned, many years ago I was given the counsel to allow myself to be vulnerable. I have reflected on that moment many times and tried to find ways to implement that in my life. It truly has been a journey of change. I know the feelings of uncertainty but have chosen to plow forward in spite of not knowing. I know the value of having pain, fear, uncertainty, etc. permeating every fiber of my soul because I learned that in feeling these hard emotions I could feel joy and happiness and love.

All of this leads me to the most powerful insight I have received about vulnerability. Brene Brown missed it. It is being vulnerable spiritually. What I mean by this is opening ourselves to the Lord. To submit to His will. To experience opposition in all things AND men are that they might have joy. To feel His forgiveness. To allow the Atonement to completely and totally envelop us. And yes I do believe this is a choice.

Think about the scriptures and the very foundation of our beliefs. Every story, even the very first in the pre-existence, centered on complete reliance in the Lord and His plan. We had no guarantees when we chose the Lord’s way. Nephi had no guarantees when he said, “I will go and do.” Joseph Smith had no guarantees when he was confined in Liberty Jail. But all believed this: We are spiritual sons and daughters of a Heavenly Father. His way was the only way. Being obedient and submitting to ALL things, even the hard emotions and difficult times, brings eternal and everlasting peace, joy, and happiness.

Certifiably Crazy

Last April my sister suggested I sign up for a race. I had just graduated with my MBA but hadn’t lined up a full time job yet and my social life was pretty stagnant with no real dating possibilities at the time. Though I had never run a race before or even run at all, I signed up for a half marathon. I figured why start small. :)

Looking back, starting big like that was a good move for me. I set up a training schedule which helped me pace myself as I tackled a huge project. Being able to break my running into small parts helped me believe I could actually accomplish this goal. Also, I needed a distraction and running provided that emotional outlet.

My journey encountered many hurdles. Four weeks in to my training and one month before the half, I got sick. Both times felt like a huge setback but each time I found a way to keep going. At one point I was ready to give up. My sister, who convinced me to run the half in the first place, inspired me with these words: "It isn’t a race. It’s a run." I expected myself to accomplish a competitive runner’s pace and time. But the goal was not to take first place. The goal was to finish the run. Do something I had never done before.

With that new mindset, I approached my workouts with a renewed mental determination. I still remember the first time I ran three miles without stopping. Such a feeling of triumph surged through my body. After that run, I finally felt like I could achieve this goal. Before then, I only felt failure. Three miles became four then five and so on and so on. The week before the race I was able to run ten miles!

The night before and the morning of the race were horrible! I drove home from Park City later than I had planned and was so worked up about the race, I didn’t sleep well. All night long I kept waking up and checking the clock because I was afraid of missing the race. Gratefully I did make it on time. I started the half with my sister and my niece, but those two were in much better shape than I was and quickly surged ahead. The first half of the race I enjoyed the scenery, kept my pace, and remembered scriptures about enduring to the end.

All was well until I hit mile eight. I felt my body shutting down. I pushed forward hitting mile nine and somehow making it to mile ten. Then came the breaking point. A long hill stood in front of me, my muscles cramped up, and I couldn’t make my legs move any faster. As I walked hoping the cramping would subside, I said a prayer. I expressed gratitude for the help I had received to that point and shared my desire to finish the half running. I needed help and knew the Lord could help me. I don’t know what possessed me, but I remember asking, “Will you help me finish running this race?” I ended my prayer and began running.

The next two miles weren’t easy but I made it! However, somehow seeing that last long mile stretch in front of me, I began to doubt and became disheartened. Even though I had run twelve miles, I didn’t know how I was going to finish that last one. But I had asked the Lord for help and help came. A lady ran up next to me, grabbed my arm, and started running with me. I didn’t know this woman and with half a mile left she let go and I lost sight of her, but she helped me find the determination to keep going. Sometimes we all need someone to help us and “run” with us during the difficult times of life. (Btw, this whole experience has metaphors for life laden throughout it.) She was my tender mercy during that last mile.

Finally, I saw the finish line. A surge of adrenaline rushed through my body and I felt energized! Seeing my family and the time clock renewed my strength and I rushed forward. I thought I was at the three hour mark. Instead I finished around two hours and seven minutes! Somehow I had kept a 9:45 mile average pace. In all my training, I had never quite hit that mark. I was thrilled! My body ached and my mind was thrashed, but I finished!

Since that time, I haven’t been that consistent with exercising. However, something stirred within me and I wanted to feel that sense of accomplishment and drive once again. I liked the idea of tackling another half marathon and am officially signed up for the Salt Lake Half-Marathon in April. I’ve planned out my workout routine and am geared up to improve my time. So though I feel a bit crazy at times for signing up for another half marathon, I am mostly excited and determined.