Brothers...Even if Separated

As a family we have watched the below video more than a dozen times. Daxon loves it and laughs along with Tacen for being so silly in the mud.

The other morning (12.13.13) Daxon was playing in my bathtub while I was getting ready for the day. He started laughing and it got my attention. I looked over and knew instantly what he was doing and that he was impersonating the above video of Tacen.

It's these precious little moments that I love! Seeing Daxon follow after his big brother in simple, but small ways helps me to know that Tacen is influencing his brother from afar. They'll always be brothers even if they don't get to be together right now and for that I'm eternally grateful. I'm so thankful that we have a beautiful guardian angel in our sweet Tacen watching over Daxon and all of us. And I'm so glad that Tacen's silly ways can show up in the most unexpected of times just like his little brother impersonating a video he had seen before. Love my boys! I love that heaven is so much closer than I often realize and I'm so lucky that I have these little reminders every so often!

It's been a Tacen day

This morning Daxon discovered Finn (This was Tacen's favorite car, but we actually burried him with his and this a replacement car) sitting on Tacen's shelf in the living room. He wanted to play with it. As we were sitting by the front window in the kitchen waving good bye to Dad as he left for school, Daxon began to push the Finn car in the window sill. I instantly went back to Tacen who not only LOVED this car, but would be found frequently driving cars in the window sill. Tears filled my eyes as I thought of a sweet similarity for that small moment in my boys who I often think are so vastly different most days. I consider these moments tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father and a reminder that Tacen is near!
Some pictures of Tacen driving his cars in the window sill and one of Dax too!

As the day went on Daxon pulled down Tacen's baby book from G'ma Sue and began looking through it saying, Mommy, Dad, Papa and Baby (we are still working on Grandma). As we were looking through his book after the Finn experience it again brought me to tears thinking of my sweet boy and just missing him.
Later in the day I got the mail and a package had arrived for something I had order. Long story short she had found this blog and Tacen's story and was touched by his story. She'd sent me a gold T initial necklace. This is a woman I do not know at all and her thoughtfulness amazed me! I have continually throughout the process of losing Tacen and missing him been amazed at the kindness of others! I love the necklace and I love that we often used to call Tacen - "T."
Tacen has filled my thoughts today. For me it is good to take a day now and then to miss him a little extra. To let the tears flow freely. To think of our sweet boy and just be in the middle of it all. I probably don't take the time for this often enough, but I find the days I do to be very therapeutic. So thinking of you a little extra today Tacen! Loving you always!

Having Faith

I have been having some thoughts in relation to an article I read recently in the Ensign as well as some lessons we have recently in Sunday School or Relief Society. The talk was taken from a CES Talk given by Elder David A. Bednar That We Might "Not...Shrink" (D&C 19:18)

In the article I read it tells of a young couple John 23 and Heather 20 who just 3 weeks after being sealed in the temple found out that John had cancer and the prospect was not good.  Elder Bednar visited them and this is something that he shared:

I then posed questions I had not planned to ask and had never previously considered: “[John,] do you have the faith not to be healed? If it is the will of our Heavenly Father that you are transferred by death in your youth to the spirit world to continue your ministry, do you have the faith to submit to His will and not be healed?”
...We recognized a principle that applies to every devoted disciple: strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives—even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted. Certainly, John and Heather would desire, yearn, and plead for healing with all of their might, mind, and strength....
...John continued: “Having the faith not to be healed seemed counterintuitive; but that perspective changed the way my wife and I thought and allowed us to put our trust fully in the Father’s plan for us. We learned we needed to gain the faith that the Lord is in charge whatever the outcome may be, and He will guide us from where we are to where we need to be. As we prayed, our petitions changed from ‘Please make me whole’ to ‘Please give me the faith to accept whatever outcome Thou hast planned for me.’

There are parts of this story that I relate to. I appreciated this perspective coming from an apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ because so many times the stories we do hear are those of healing, but that's not the plan for all of us. And you know what that's ok too.

Often in church we talk about being healed. We talk about having enough faith to be healed. That if we have enough faith and we are worthy we will be healed. Things of that nature. Please let me state that I completely believe this to be true. However, there are times in our lives regardless of our faith, regardless of the number of faithful people united in prayer and fasting for a cause (such as our sweet Tacen) that Heavenly Father's will is not for this person to be healed. This comes to my mind often during these lessons. I think of the great faith that we had and all of those throughout the country and world - both friends and family we knew and friends and family members of our friends who were united in prayer. I think of the many prayer rolls around the world which had Tacen name on them. Let me say that I still know without a shadow of a doubt that if Heavenly Father had wanted to perform a miracle and heal Tacen, he could have! However, I also know that Heavenly Father's plan for Tacen and our family was that he return to heaven. Our God is a God of miracles. I know that. But He has a plan for each of us and sometimes part of that is learning to trust him even when the outcome might not be as we might have wished it to be. Yet in the end this plan and the things that occur will help us become who we need to be.  For He sees the beginning from the end.

And then there were 3...

We are expecting our third child, due May 24, 2014.

This was not a decision we came to lightly! We've been so nervous that we might lose Daxon to the same thing that took our sweet Tacen. From the moment he started walking we began watching him like hawks! Each time he'd fall we wonder if that was developmentally normal. Tace had his first regression around 14 months, so we knew we'd need to watch Dax then and when he started teething molars. 

We've watched and thankfully he has done so well mobility wise! I really need Daxon in my life! He's our sun spot! We are certain we'll never feel 100% in the clear, but we are thankful each day to see Daxon developing so well!

We started talking about adding another child. When we were in Utah for Tacen's services I remember feeling overcome with the fact that all I wanted was to have a family and grow old and be surrounded by the ones I love. I understood then that would require us to have more children. We'd always wanted more children. I knew I desperately wanted Dax to have a sibling here! 

As summer came and our discussion  became more serious our fears and concerns arose! With much prayer, fasting and thought we finally found the comfort we desperately needed to move forward. 

Our fears of losing another precious child will always be there! But for now we are putting faith in a loving Heavenly Father and his plan for us and our family! He continues to give us the comfort we need! 

After we found out we were expecting this precious baby I soon realized how scared I was to want this! Because wanting it would make it all the harder on me to lose it. Sometimes it still feels easier to act nonchalant about this pregnancy then to let myself feel the desire we have for another child! 

Not a day goes by that we don't think of Tacen and miss him! There will never be anything that can replace him nor would we want there to be! We love that little boy and are so thankful he's apart of our eternal family! I like to think of him up there with baby tuey(what we will call this one til he/she arrives). I wonder about what they are doing and if Tace is telling him/her nice things about our family! It helps me realize Heaven isn't so far away! So here we are excited and nervous that we are adding to our family!
So far this pregnancy I have been a lot sicker than with the previous two, but things are going well. I always count the blessing of at least knowing if I'm still not feeling well then the baby is still in there making me feel yucky. We've had two appointments and things are looking and sounding (heartbeat of 165bpm) good. We feel very blessed to have this opportunity to add to our family and feel the hand of our Father in Heaven guiding us! 

One year

One year ago today our sweet Tacen returned back to our Father in Heaven after just 28 short months of life here on earth! Not a day goes by that we don't think about and miss him. 

As I've gone through the past year my goal has been and continues to be able to find the little positives that have come from losing Tacen. I was talking to Cade recently about a talk from General Conference by Elder Dube. He uses a story about not looking back and relates it to our opportunities to serv in the church. It made me think though that looking back over the past year helps me to learn a lot. 

For one I made it. After Tacen passed away it was all I could do to take it one day at a time, but I survived a year. Surely that helps me to see I can make it another. 

I remember as I watched friends of ours loose children thinking I could NEVER do that. But it's amazing what you can do when you have to! I can do hard things!

Here are somethings I learned about myself over the past year. I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be(even though some moments, days or even weeks I don't feel that way). 

My testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ is stronger! My relationship with my Savior is stronger because it is through him that I have made it through! 

My testimony of the plan of salvation is stronger! 

My love for an all knowing Heavenly Father is stronger. He knows how to comfort me. He knows who I need to help me and give me strength here! He knows me! He has blessed us in countless ways! 

My desire to do the best I can each day so I can be with my sweet Tacen again is stronger! 

My resolve to be thankful each day for the time I have with family is stronger! Life is short and you never know how long you have! 

I am a better version of me than I was a year ago! I can't change that Tacen is gone. If I could Heaven knows I would do so in a second! But I can try to learn and grow and become better! 

I continue to be thankful each and every day that we had the blessing to have Tacen in our home as long as we did. 28 months will never feel long enough, but I will FOREVER be grateful for those 28 months. Tacen taught me so much in that short time. To be his mother is a blessing I will always hold close to my heart! I love that boy! Being his mother was/is a gift. Learning from his precious example is a gift! Remembering him is a gift! How blessed we are to have him as a part of our Eternal Family and to have an angel watching out for us. I have felt his influence many times through the past year! I know he's closer than I often realize! We miss you sweet boy, always!

A Poem For Tace

As we approach the one year mark,

A place you will forever hold in my heart!

Though the days, weeks, months and years go by,

Upon our Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ we will rely!

Until that day when we can see you again,

And the joys of eternity will begin!

Conference Weekend Last Year (2012)

As we hit General Conference weekend I recalled a memory from last year. It was conference weekend. We had gotten Daxon asleep (a feet in and of its self at that age and stage for him) and Tace was supposed to be down for a nap as well. Cade and I decided we'd take a nap since it was a rarity for us. As we laid down we could here sweet Tace in his room playing with a tool toy we had given him the previous Christmas. We couldn't help sitting there laughing. We left him for a bit and we slept some. Anyways, kind of silly, but a sweet memory of my sweet boy. I sure do miss him. We are inching closer to closing in our first entire year without our sweet boy. It some ways it has gone by quickly, but overall it feels like an eternity since we saw our sweet boy last!

As I listened to conference today one talk made me think of Tace. It was Elder Holland speaking about how the day will come when our Savior will come and all those who had physical or any other aliments will be healed and we will see them in their perfect state! As Daxon has grown and developed I personally have realized what a struggle our sweet Tace really had all the time. I have realized even more the simple things that were hard for him and the challenges he faced. I will always look up to him for the way he faced his struggles with a smile on that cute little face of his! He's our little engine that could! I can't wait for the day to come when I can see him again in his resurrected glory, whole and complete with that precious smile on his face. I have no doubt in my mind it will be spectacular and glorious!