anger management

Sometimes when you are angry at someone it helps to sit down,
take a moment to cool off, and think what you can do
about the problem...

Today i have had issues with my anger. i don't know why, i was just angry, everything got me angry. i could not surrender and i don't know why. it was like 'self will run riot' and then some!!

i am trying to be humble about the session but it is eating my lunch. i know i have harped for a while now how i am not being heard, and i am not understood. and now it is like, is this really all about me? you know that saying i have? the plaque that sits on my wall, it rings so true, it is funny but it is not. it says; 'i know you believe you understand what you think i said, but i am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what i meant.' it is me. it is so me.

i did not go to the gym today, so i know that hurt my attitude, my babies have the sniffles, again!! poor little things i gave them some medicine and they felt better but i am not going to expose other kids and get them sick, that is just rude!! and that is what happened to my babies!! i wish the nursery there had one of those wands, you know like the bar code wands at Walmart, and they could check to see who is sick and who is not!!

my oldest had college today, so did Wes. i have to call the school on Wednesdays and ask for 'A' to be let out early so she has time to eat before she goes to class, then i load up the kids to pick her up, we usually take about 15 minutes for this so i didn't pack anything, like a tippy cup. or extra pants...
well today we sat there in the parking lot for 40 minutes. i was fuming!! fuming!! kids with runny noses, snot plastered on their poor little faces, they are both crying because they are thirsty and i have nothing to give them!! and i am doing her a favor!! i call the attendance office and ask if she got her note, this is the 3rd time i talked to the gal today. she said she sent it over an hour and a half ago, i called at 2 this was now five after 3. then school lets out and here comes 'A'. she claims the teacher never got the note. i called her a liar i know she has a routine coming up that requires extra training, she probably thought i was going to be late so she could practice a little more.
so i let my anger get to me a lot today to say the least. i couldn't enjoy or appreciate much today and i do not like myself when i am like this. i want to blame someone else for my behaviors, typical addict thinking, and all i could think to be mad at was the session!!

i need a meeting. i have anxiety about going to one in town. addict running wild in my head not wanting me to be healthy. i don't like feeling this way and i need to feel better. i need to fix something i just don't know what, or i do know and i can't quite put my finger on it. maybe i am getting squirrely as my clean date is around the corner.

this is just where i am at today. i have faith that tomorrow will be better. i appreciate having a place to write it all down and get it out of my head. funny i trust my peeps with more of my stuff then the peeps in town. i guess it makes it easier because if i get a bad comment i can delete it, here in the real world i can't just delete someone in front of me who gossips!! that would be the next form of great technology though now wouldn't it. hhmmm... so that just leaves me with this thought; "Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth."- Benjamin Disraeli

sessions

'we humbly ask him to remove our shortcomings'
as i work this step i am learning more things about myself that i never knew before. i thought i was an angry person. i thought i was not worth anything. that last sentence still rings true for me.

we had our couples counseling tonight. of course she asked the question; 'what brought you to therapy?'. and of course i answered, me. because i feel there is this huge gap in our communication. and i know i am right. we don't see things on the same level and i don't know how to bridge that gap. somehow i feel the session focused on me, as i did most of the talking and crying. he is very rational and thinks about things a lot. the therapist came to the understanding of our personalities and that his is that of a 'thinker' and mine a 'feeler'. i thought well that's a stretch.

i think i am relieved to have been heard, i mean she understood that when i talk to him, and i do this a lot, but when i am trying to get my point across, sometimes i get emotional, and when we disagree and he is missing my point i start to elevate my voice. i come from a long line of screamers. that was how i learned to communicate is by screaming. this is something that i have been making great strides in. not screaming, and yet when we disagree i take it there because , i don't know it is like maybe if i say this louder, maybe he will hear me.

that usually makes him say 'what are you doing?' which pisses me off and then he is like, why are you yelling at me we are on the same team. and he said when i yell i make him feel like the enemy. at which point what ever it is i was trying to say has gone completely out the window and now i am wrong because i got emotional.

i felt like the session went a bit that way tonight. although i kind of took it there. because i am honest and admit when i am wrong, but it felt like it was mostly about me. it also felt like she understood though the thought process we were going through and tried to explain to me how when he comes in to a situation he is trying to look for a solution as 'thinkers' do. and this may come off as detached or calloused on the 'thinkers' part and they may be way off base so of course we are missing our mark in communication. so we go back in two weeks and she wants to know about my mother....

i thought, why doesn't she want to know about his mother?

wes and i cannot speak about what was said in the session for 24 hours, that is her rule. we have to wait 24 hours before talking to each other about what we said. and me being the addict i am, wants to know right now what he thinks about what i said!! insane aren't i? i promise not to let them embalm me g-man!!

i feel though that i am on the right track here, if it is my shit and it probably is, then i want to see it for what it is and deal with it. if i am being too hard on myself then i need to work on that. i need to allow myself to stand in my own truth and ask for what i need.

i know this, i love him very much. i know right now that he feels the same about me. relationships take a lot of work. i am willing to do whatever it takes. even if it means to get my shit out of the way so we can be.

gratitude list haven't had time to post comment or be grateful lately so here goes;

1. today i am grateful for the willingness to look at my issues and own them.
2. today i am grateful for the wonderful Halloween we had!!!
3. today i am grateful for my creativity in getting costumes made!!
4. today i am grateful for my willingness to make mistakes and learn from them.
5. today i am grateful for my family, who loves me in spite of me.
6. today i am grateful for my health.
7. today i am grateful for sticking to my diet, so far 7 pounds gone!!
8. today i am grateful for my recovery family.
9. today i am grateful my bean went #2 in the potty!!!
10. today i am grateful for my ability to blog and for my blogging buddies!!!

i still have my Halloween decor out i need to bring it down and get ready for turkey day. i only ate a couple (2) pieces of candy and managed to lose another pound even though i missed the gym for several days last week. i did have trouble speaking up this weekend when it came to getting groceries and what i needed for my diet. we talked about that tonight too. Wes went to study as he has a big test coming up tomorrow so I called a gal in recovery to talk about the session then had to blog about it just so i am not anxious when he gets home. i don't think he will have anything to say about what i said and i need to be ok with that. because it doesn't mean he doesn't care, it just means he has nothing to say. today i am grateful that he is willing to work with me through what ever it may be, and it may be me. even though i think it is him. so for todays thought; "Of all the 'attitudes' we can acquire, surely the attitude of gratitude is the most important and by far the most life-changing."-Zig Ziglar
(Zig Ziglar's Little Book of Big Quotes)

You've gotta see this!!!

Happy Halloween Y'all!! We had a beautiful day of 70 degree absolutely perfect weather!! Here's Thing 1 and Thing 2 as I promised!! I think the costumes were absolutely perfect!!

We had a Dr. Seuss theme going of course, Sam I am and of course the Cat in the Hat!!

Here you can see my poor seam job on Sams costume!! The hat was 3 bucks we went to the dollar store and bought 3 little red hats and sewed them together. We got red and black sweats for the cat and the things and I cut the white felt and used fabric paint for the words. We used a piece of cardboard and some leftover felt and more fabric marker for the words. Tinkerbell is my girls little grandbaby, ain't she cute!!

Here is thing 2 smiling, then she was off and running. The rest of these pictures are of a place in Wichita called Broadview St. It is a neighborhood in College Hill that does this elaborate decorating every year. It is so crowded that it is almost a street fair. Apparently this year the city asked the property owners not to do this because the traffic was such a problem trying to get through the streets. So the home owners hired private security this year and paid to block off the street!! They really go all out with these home made decorations I had to show what a little cooperation between neighbors can do.

Some scary stuff here as you walk by...
In this next picture you can see a big speaker for scary music being played, they also use dry ice and lights for ambiance,

Of course this is Kansas no Halloween would be complete without the Yellow Brick Road and the Emerald City!!! They covered the front of their house with this decor!!

Don't forget Dorothy dropped a house on the Wicked witch!!

Here is the Nightmare before Christmas!! Hand made decorations!!

This one really scared the bean, she turned around without any candy!!

Look at this Pirate ship!!!! They built this thing coming out of their front porch!! And yes that is Wilma on board with all those scurvy pirates!! I don't know where Fred Flintstone is but there is his wife!!

Harry Potter fans love this one!!!!

One of many grave yards!!

This house had animated floating ghosts flying over head around the house and over the side walk!!!

And look at this HUGE castle they made to put in front of their house!! I just love the work that was put into this for our children!! These people decided not only to continue the Halloween tradition but to pay, out of pocket, for security and to have the street closed to traffic for 3 block!! I am very grateful for the passion these people have and what they give back to the community. I am grateful my children get to enjoy this!! My little ones got there early enough to be able to walk slowly and take it all in. The crowd started to build as we were leaving. They walked a total of 6 blocks collecting candy!! they were worn out!! it was awesome, i love the holidays. I hope you all had as much fun as I did this season!! oh and more to come with Wes's birthday and Thanksgiving in November, 2 birthdays in December plus Christmas!!!! Oh what a wonderful start to the season!! I promise to catch up to the Flash 55 tomorrow!! Here is todays thought; "Gratitude is the memory of the heart." ~Jean Baptiste Massieu, translated from French