Chicks dig it!

Meet Dewayne Yarbrough of south suburban Ford Heights:

Mr. Yarbrough was arrested yesterday after police executed a search warrant at his home and found a live alligator inside.

Yarbrough told police that he purchased the gator in Indiana five years ago, and kept it because "chicks dig it."

Hey...anybody there?

It's been a while hasn't it?

Five years ago my kids talked me into starting a blog. I started by spilling my guts, and moved on from there. Quite a few things have happened since then.

For starters, we're all five years older.

My hobby blog led to some fun opportunities. I had a pretty good run as a paid blogger and got to hear myself on the radio a few times, that was kinda cool. While I was all full of myself and letting my head swell I kind of neglected things around here.

So now I'm cleaning out the cobwebs, chasing off the snakes and opening the windows to air things out here at the Compound. I don't want to make any money, I don't want any public notice (beyond a few dozen friends and family), and I don't want to write about anything police-related--unless, of course, it involves alligators, weenie-wavers or predatory clowns. And maybe amputees.

I'll start with a couple of items that caught my attention this week.

Meet Mark Thompson of wild, wonderful West Virginia:


I'll just quote the lead from this article in the Charleston Gazette:

Police say an Alum Creek man high on bath salts killed his neighbor's pygmy goat and that neighbors found him in his bedroom, dressed in a bra and panties, next to the dead animal...

Believe me when I tell you that there are more details in the article, and it gets weirder.

Just because I stopped writing about it doesn't mean that the ongoing war between alligators and humankind has stopped, or even slowed--as a matter of fact, I see clear indicators that it might be escalating. Example:

A kill-crazy alligator in Gainesville, Florida, recently attacked a marked police car, clamping down and seizing the bumper of the patrol car in its deadly jaws:



I got this last one courtesy of Lisa Golden, an old blogging chum, via Twitter. The story originates in (of course) Florida, and sports one of the best leads I've seen:

Floridians are going to have to start pulling up their pants and stop having sex with animals soon.

Florida recently passed two pieces of legislation--one aims at ending the state's nightmarish epidemic of human-animal sexual relations, and the other aims at getting young men to pull their damn pants up.

That's all for now. We have a big weekend coming up: the Kentucky Derby on Saturday, and Mother's Day on Sunday. I'm digging through my photo archives for suitable material.

Have a great day, and thanks for stopping by.

Chicago River Gator CAPTURED!

A frightened city breathes a sigh of relief as animal control workers captured a 3 foot long alligator who had been marauding along the Chicago River near Fullerton. Animal Care & Control called in outside contractors--operators from the Chicago Herpetological Society, who launched a daring nighttime raid by canoe.

The alligator is pictured below, as he was taken away for interrogation by a team of skilled alligator whisperers...

CHICAGO ON BRINK OF GATOR PANIC

Early reports indicated a small alligator was spotted in the Chicago River near Damen and Fullerton.

Now a headline reads Pet iguana found in Chicago River, but when you click on that link you get this:

Reptile spotted in Chicago River

August 20, 2009 5:55 PM | 3 Comments | UPDATED STORY

The Chicago Police Marine Unit was called to a report of a three-foot-long reptile along the Chicago River this afternoon, but by the time they responded it was gone, police said.

The animal, which various unconfirmed reports identified as an alligator or iguana, was spotted at about 1:30 p.m. sitting on a rock under a bridge near where Fullerton Avenue crosses the river, police said.

A worker from the Chicago Commission on Animal Care and Control was called to the scene. The reptile has not been found, police said.

Excuse me, "reptile"!?

I smell a cover-up. The authorities think we can't handle the truth. I think it's pretty obvious that more than one crackhead has lost track of his guard alligator, or dumped him into the river just ahead of the police.

The Chicago River is obviously on the brink of being overrun by alligators. Remember, only last year a scrappy little scout gator was pulled out of the Bubbly Creek section of the Chicago River.

We live in dangerous times my friends. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Don't think I've forgotten about the alligators. I haven't

This video leaves many unanswered questions. I'm pretty sure this is Florida.

In any event, it's clear that the subject of this video is unfamiliar with the concept of constant vigilance.

Clowntime is over

Lately I've been clowning around, taking the easy shots with various clown-themed posts. I haven't been visiting other blogs much, and when I did visit I probably didn't comment.

I apologize.

_____________________

You might ask what's roused me out of my early summer torpor. I'll tell you what:

Alligators.

While I've been plodding along, ignoring my duties, there have been terrible developments in the ongoing struggle I like to call World War G. And I'm convinced that at least one of these incidents is due directly to my own lack of attention.

On Friday I decided to take advantage of a friend's offer to spend the afternoon canoing down the upper Des Plaines River in Lake County. I'd just worked the annual carnival detail for two nights in a row and I figured I could use the time relaxing in the outdoors. It sounded like a simple proposition: throw the canoe on the car, quick drive north up Milwaukee Avenue, put in, paddle, hop out and drive home.

Ask anyone in my family and they'll tell you I'm a hyper-prepared traveler, especially when it comes to outdoor trips like camping or canoing. I make checklists, I lay out the gear for inspection before packing, I spend hours going over weather reports and maps. I have never gotten lost in the woods, I have never had a tent blow down or leak in a storm, and I have never gotten dumped out of a canoe.

My preparation for yesterday's paddle consisted of looking at the weather.com website and cutting the tags off a camping hat that MizBubs gave me for my birthday. The thunderstorms that hit the area passed by around 1:30, the sun came out and we were on our way.

So here's what happened. I dumped the canoe the instant we put it into the river. I fell out sideways, cracking the side of my ankle on the gunwale, and went in up to my armpits. My partner who was already seated in the bow got thrown in headfirst, directly down into the brown water under the canoe. He bobbed up quickly, spitting water and gasping for air, relieved that he didn't get brained by the canoe.

We righted the canoe, drained the water out, and started over.

Pretty soon I noticed that there were a lot more mosquitoes than I'd thought there would be. I was not wearing repellent. Within 20 minutes we arrived at our first obstacle--dead tree limbs and debris totally blocking the river. We got out, crawled over the logs and dragged the canoe over without incident and resumed paddling. The current was fast, faster than I'd expected, and it had a way of whipping the canoes across the river every time you rounded a bend. There were quite a few strainers and submerged logs, and it was a more challenging experience than I'd expected.

We ended up having to get out of the canoe two more times, at one point wading through knee-deep water and muck for about 100 yards before we could get around the deadfall and back into the main channel. Ironically, we were able to get in and out of the canoe and maneuver through all these obstacles without tipping the canoe once. I helpfully pointed out to my companions that at least we didn't have to worry about alligators or venomous snakes.

Then the storms came. There's nothing like paddling by a golf course and hearing the lightning warning siren sound as you sit, exposed, in a boat out in the water away from any shelter. Since I was already soaked and half-caked in mud from our initial dumping, there was no need to put on the rain suit I brought with.

We saw a lot of nice birds, though--herons, waxwings, woodpeckers, a Cooper's Hawk and some goldfinches. And when I got out I was miraculously free of ticks and leeches. Still, throughout the afternoon it seemed like something was out of whack, and I couldn't figure out what.

Until I got back in the car and heard the news item: an alligator was discovered in the Chicago river. You heard me right. A marauding scout gator, right in my own backyard.

I've gotten sloppy, letting them get this close. Rest assured, it won't happen again.

End of the day

I hope everyone had a decent weekend.

Contrary to what I posted earlier, MizBubs did not just want a drink and a smoke and to be left the hell alone today. Nor did my mom. So we forced them to gorge themselves on sushi and ice cream cake, then I got my better half home and plied her with champagne.

Yes, the Sunday afternoon cocktail today is champagne. Served in a wine glass, not a flute, because a flute just doesn't hold enough and we were too lazy to keep getting up off the couch for more. Here we sit, watching Bobby Flay and some blonde chick cook pork shoulder. I just watched two of the throwdown judges describe themselves as "certified barbecue judges" and I thought...hmm, how does one become a certified barbecue judge? I must find out.

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So MizBubs, relentless girl dynamo, worked her ass off this weekend prior to Mother's day. Our youngest celebrated her 16th birthday by having a few friends over, and we had to get the house into shape. Our place was still looking pretty disastrous from having a few rooms painted while I was out of town. We spent Saturday morning cleaning like crazy before I left for work, and before the teenage girls arrived.

We made a few changes in the living room and tiki bar, and honestly I can't wait to have some of y'all over this summer to hang out, eat and drink with us. I'll spare you the before pictures and just go right to the good stuff.

This is how it looks from the kitchen, walking back:



Here's the youngest, reclining:

A friend of mine had an early 60's hi-fi console that he didn't want. I got it from him in exchange for a bottle of Cabo Wabo tequila. We've always wanted a big-ass tropical plant, and MizBubs ran out today to IKEA and treated herself to a Majesty palm tree for $15.



The shelves behind the tiki bar got cleaned up and reorganized, and I put some thrift shop record album covers up on the wall.

And here's the tiki bar, with all the crap cleaned off it:



So here we sit, sipping our champagne and contemplating our next move. There's a lot in the pipeline, I'll tell you.

________________________

I thought I'd done a pretty thorough job of reviewing the current alligator issues facing us. Sure enough, as soon as I sat back and felt satisfied, a new threat emerged. Fortunately, intrepid law enforcement intervened and disaster was averted:

Burglary suspect caught driving with alligator passenger

Yes, that's correct. A police officer stopped a car for driving erratically, and it turned out the driver had just committed a burglary. He had also dragged an alligator out of a ditch and stuffed it into the backseat of his car, where it remained until the officer stopped him. Alcohol was involved.

_____________________

So what's going on this week? Well, I'm making some big personal changes to shake this malaise I've been suffering and get back into running shape. I'm a physical disaster. I've been putting off visiting my allergist, I'm prone to wheezing, and I weigh more than I have in years. All this starts to change tomorrow. So that's good. I got a few projects to work on, including some honor guard stuff. Hopefully I won't ruin anyone's Memorial Day like I did last year. I'm working on another corporate training gig that may put some cold cash in my pockets.

And we're only a couple weeks from Pilcrow Litfest. Come on, folks, we're almost there. Someone throw a few dollars their way so I can take that widget off my page. It's slowing things down.

Thanks.

Alligator alert heightened during mating season

The alligator is wily, kill-crazy and resilient. Even without the assistance of human dope fiends the alligator has shown an uncanny ability to expand his territory.

Every year at this time there is a spike in alligator-related news stories, probably corresponding with alligator mating season. Alligators begin courting in April, and most mating occurs early in May. A fierce and warlike species, alligators are polygynous, with one male alligator servicing up to 10 females in his territory. The males provide no care for the young, and females little more than that.

After the first year the young are abandoned by their mothers, who move on to attend to their new hatchlings. Eighty percent of young alligators die in the first year, often in the jaws of other, larger alligators. By the time they are a few years old they are battle-hardened and bloodthirsty, and ready to assume their role as "exotic pets" or, as I refer to them, "scout gators", probing human communities for signs of weakness.

What, then, are the alligators up to lately?

_____________________

Dogs are widely known as "man's best friend". Many people keep dogs as pets, companions and protectors. So, logically, what would be one of the first targets of an alligator attack? The family dog. Just like a special forces operator taking out an enemy sentry, the alligator frequently targets dogs. Especially small barky dogs, like terriers. In Tampa, the first casualty was Freddie, a 5 year old terrier, pulled to his death during a walk in the park.

A crew working in Chicago's Lincoln Park Zoo south pond discovered a small alligator in the shallow water. The link to the original story is no longer available on the Sun-Times website. Once again the MSM covers up the truth. There was some confusion because other articles mentioned a nearly-frozen scout gator discovered in the same location three years earlier.

From time to time alligators will attempt to interfere with human commerce, disrupting transportation and shopping. A recent example of this occurred in Fort Lauderdale, where a 9.5 foot alligator stopped traffic on a major highway before being put down.

In addition to preying on crackheads and small dogs, gators will occasionally target the elderly. A 69-year old Oldsmar, Florida woman narrowly escaped death when an alligator broke through her back door and rampaged into her kitchen.

Like the modern terrorist, the alligator also looks for soft targets. The alligator adapts, and seeing the wave of fear that any school-related incident causes in our society, a 10 foot alligator decided to target children at a school in Windermere, Florida. Police were called in to escort children safely to and from the building. The alligator was apparently working with a spotter, a smaller female alligator who concealed herself in a nearby pond until she was captured and destroyed. As of this writing the larger gator has not been captured. He has been described as "as big as a dinosaur."

_____________________

So now you know. The next logical question is, what is the human response to this onslaught?

I wish I could describe our response as strong, resolute and unified...but I can't. While I detailed the problems of drug-related alligator incidents in an earlier post, of equal concern is the human tendency to simply not take alligators seriously as a grave threat to our existence.

This is an American blog, and I'm a proud American, so normally I don't report on foreign alligator news. But this story was disturbing enough to make an exception:

An unknown thief walked out of a Norwegian aquarium with a small crocodile concealed in a bag. What is his plan? Sure, this might have just been a simple theft committed by someone with a desire to own or sell an exotic pet. But it might have been much more. Maybe the first part of a plan to breed cold-resistant crocodiles, for instance. I shudder.

Three assholes broke into an alligator farm in St Augustine, Florida, and stole video equipment after vandalizing the property. Even worse, they tormented several of the imprisoned alligators by throwing water bottles at them. Relations between human and alligator are bad enough without idiots like this aggravating the situation.

In another example of failure to properly educate our young people, 5 Sigma Alpha Epsilon pledges from Embry Riddle University were arrested after trying to steal a live alligator from a miniature golf course. This begs the question...why are there alligators being kept at a miniature golf course? This is yet another example of the way pro-gator apologists and their dupes minimize the alligator threat, denying the true nature of the alligator menace.

_____________________

Sometimes, though, the news is encouraging.

Alert police in Pullman, Washington, broke up an alligator infiltration conspiracy and arrested a man attempting to sell a baby alligator for $350.00. The hatchling was taken into "protective custody."

A plucky angler in Brookline, New Hampshire, nearly captured a 5' scout gator while fishing in a local pond. Conservation authorities have encountered alligators in the Nashua and Connecticut rivers in the last two years. The article I linked to details several other alligator incidents in the same area over the past few years.

As if more proof were needed that snorkeling or scuba diving in alligator-infested waters was a bad idea, we have this story from Tampa, Florida. 62-year old Dwight Monreal was diving for golf balls, in full scuba gear, when he was attacked by an 11' gator. Monreal reacted by jabbing his thumb into the eye of the alligator, but it continued to chew on him.



Fortunately for Mr. Monreal, prepared American Matt Johnson was playing golf nearby. Mr. Johnson attacked the alligator with a rake and a four-iron, freed Monreal and then drove him to the clubhouse in his golf cart. Monreal was treated for a crushed and dislocated shoulder, broken arm, and bite marks. Next time Mr. Monreal, who has been diving for golf balls for 14 years, will probably stay away from the 13th hole water hazard, at least during mating season.

World War G:: News from the front

"Behold him rushing forth from the flags and reeds. His enormous body swells. His plaited tail brandished high, floats upon the lake. The waters like a cataract descend from his opening jaws. Clouds of smoke issue from his dilated nostrils. The earth trembles with his thunder. "

--Botanist, naturalist and early alligator expert William Bartram, 1791

Mr. Bartram knew the score. If he'd been a blogger I'm sure he would have posted regularly on his alligator-related discoveries.

_____________________

It's been a while since I provided any updates in the ongoing struggle known as World War G. For those of you arriving late, World War G refers to the savage battle being waged against human kind by Alligator mississippiensis, better known as the American Alligator. I have not posted any alligator alerts, nor have I updated my alligator threat map in months. I pray that no one has been mangled as a result of my dereliction. Mea culpa.

Several of you have been helpful over the past couple of months, forwarding important news items my way. Official and unofficial members of the SRC Research Team Katy aka Dino, Dena, and Lulu have all provided fine service. Ladies, humankind thanks you.

Let's get down to business.

_____________________

There is no disputing the fact that alligator attacks on humans are on the rise. What mainstream science has refused to address is the expanding nexus between alligator activity and illegal drug use. These are the facts:

February: Dayton, Ohio police and US Marshalls raid the home of 20 year old Devon Nelms, wanted on a warrant for parole violation. They don't find Mr. Nelms, but they do find guns, marijuana, cocaine and two alligators guarding the back door.

March: Philadelphia police execute a search warrant at the home of 38 year old suspected dope dealer Mike Smith. They find four handguns, 62 grams of marijuana, four grams of cocaine, 8 ounces of codeine syrup, 56 pills, drug paraphernalia and an alligator of unknown size and disposition.

Police in Union City, California, conducting what they described as a "routine probation search", arrested 30 year old Eric Windom after finding a firearm, marijuana plants, and an undernourished 6' alligator. Strangely, no cocaine was involved.

May: Police in Toledo, Ohio, raid a home, shooting and killing a pit bull and confiscating several other dogs. They also find an alligator, and charge a resident with illegal use of food stamps. The article doesn't say, but I'd bet good money that drugs were involved. There's a video that nicely displays the house of squalor.

I have now documented 4 alligator-related criminal cases in northern Ohio in the past 12 months, including one alarming case that involved the arrest of a steroid-addled law enforcement officer.

Something is up. It looks to me like Ohio is the place that alligators have decided to establish the beach head from which to launch their expansion into the soft midsection of the nation. Rest assured, I'll be monitoring the situation as it develops. The bold, intuitive science known as narcozoology does not sleep.

More alligator information will follow in the next few days. Stay tuned. For those of you in gator country, remember that it's mating season, and that means our saurian adversaries will be even more aggressive than usual.

The watchword remains, as always: CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Today's word is "masturbatorium"

It's been too long, and there are far too many freaks roaming the alleys and highways of our great nation. Knowledge is power, and you, the people, have a right to know.

It's time for the return of Weenie Waver Wednesday.

_____________________

Our first freak is Robert E. Lee of Mechanicsville, Virginia. Yes, that is his real name. Mr. Lee, a manager at a local Sears, was caught peeping into women's dressing rooms. According to the police, Lee had constructed a "makeshift masturbatorium" in the rafters:

...investigators discovered the Sears manager had created a makeshift masturbatorium from a service platform just above the ladies’ dressing rooms.

It appeared to investigators that the prefab peeping hutch had been in use for quite some time, the victim’s lawsuit alleges, and that Lee admitted to watching the girl and her mother trying on bathing suits.

“During the search of the room, police officials recovered sexually explicit magazines and seminal fluids,” the suit says.

At least it wasn't referred to as a "sprawling ramshackle masturbatorium".

53 year old David Nelson, of Billings, Montana was arrested in the reception area of the Comfort Inn. Mr. Nelson had made himself comfortable by getting naked and arming himself with a .45 handgun. He knocked on a few room doors, and then tried to climb over the desk.

Alcohol was involved.

Moving on to the world of politics....

John Hartley, a candidate for city council in San Diego, was arrested after witnesses saw him masturbating in public and then urinating into a cup at 4 in the afternoon. Being a politician, Hartley later tried to explain away the incident in a campaign mailing, using the classic freak's excuse of having to take a leak. Hartley is described as a "tireless door-to-door campaigner". Campaigner, eh? That's a euphemism I haven't heard before. There's more on his case here.

_____________________

In Florida-related news:

Thomas Blacine, the "naked tickler" was sentenced to 25 years in prison. Mr. Blacine was featured on these pages in October 2007.

Mr. Adrian Apgar (now known as "lefty") was arrested by police after being discovered in a canal, naked, apparently trying to sneak up on an alligator. When the police called out to Mr. Apgar he told them to be quiet, and asked them to turn their spotlights off.

Apgar appeared on this blog in November 2006 after he lost his arm in an earlier, crack-fueled naked encounter with an alligator. I will always be in his debt, because he inspired me to begin my research in the brave new science of narcozoology.

An unknown 30 year old woman told police that she was standing in an intersection directing traffic, topless, because God told her to. Why does God never tell anyone to get a job, or just straighten the hell up?

The Sunshine State is now on the brink of finally having an anti-bestiality law. Lawmakers heard a moving story from a local prosecutor before voting:

Before the vote, Leon County prosecutor Michael Bauer sent Rich and other senators a letter recounting his troubles prosecuting the 2006 case of a blind guy who had sex with his male yellow Lab "Lucky." The man explained "freely about his regular sexual acitivities with his dog and said he would take the dog for a walk prior to sex to 'prevent fecal impact.'"

You can read more about that blind guy, 29 year old Alan Yoder, here or here. The second story contains a classic defense attorney statement:

"However lurid the allegations may be, we should resist a rush to judgment." At least until after the attorney cashes the check.

Seriously, how would you like to defend this guy? Do you think this is the kind of groundbreaking legal work the attorney thought he'd be doing some day when he was in law school?

_____________________

30 year old Nicholas Hadzik was arrested for causing thousands of dollars in damage at a Pennsylvania motel and grocery store. Mr. Hadzik did this while he was naked. There's some video of the incident here.

Alcohol was involved. Clearly Mr. Hadzik never learned that naked, drunk and rampaging is no way to go through life.

I always like to read how other states name their criminal offenses. According to this story Hadzik was charged with "two felony counts of risking a catastrophe; three felony counts of criminal mischief; two misdemeanor counts of simple assault; two misdemeanor counts of open lewdness and two summary counts of public drunkenness." I like any statutory language that includes the words mischief and catastrophe.

Apparently that Mardi Gras feeling never stops for Sharon Hall, 50, of Alexandria, Louisiana. Police arrested her after she was observed dancing, sans pants, in front of a group of approximately 20 men in a local park. She also lifted her shirt a few times, had a crack pipe on her, and resisted arrest. No alligators were involved.

_____________________

Thanks for stopping by. Until next time, remember--constant vigilance!

Swamp Buggy Badass

I just heard the phrase "swamp buggy badass" recently, and now it's stuck in my head. I mean, what badass could be badder than a badass driving a swamp buggy?

One of my cousins, years ago, was married to a guy who owned not one but two swamp buggies. They lived in a double wide at the edge of a swamp in some unincorporated area in southern Florida. There was a gravel road leading up to the place, and a pond in front. My cousin is a good decorator, and it was a cute home. Her husband had a Belgian last name and bright red hair. He worked for his family's landscaping company, and as I remember from the wedding, his grandmother didn't speak any English. He had a few chickens I think, and maybe a pig, and he liked to hunt and fish. He always had a few snake skins hanging over the railing of his back porch.

He had a pit bull who was really friendly. The dog liked to swing, by his jaws, from a rope swing that hung over the pond. He was going to take me boar hunting but we never got to go.

Things got rocky with their marriage, and he started quoting scripture. A short time later his dog went belly up in the pond, snakebit. They divorced a little while after that. My cousin is now happily remarried with two beautiful children. Long story short, I never got to drive that swamp buggy.

_____________________

On our first day in New Orleans we left town and drove up to the north shore of Lake Ponchartrain. As part of my ongoing narcozoology research I wanted to head into the gum and cypress swamps of Louisiana. We headed for the outskirts of Slidell and met up with the good folks at Honey Island Swamp Tours. They'd gotten us close to alligators before, and I hoped we'd get close again.

I've visited two kinds of swamp, mangrove and cypress. Mangrove swamps cover much of the Gulf coast of Florida, and the Keys. The mangrove swamp is a beautiful but scary environment, and I can't imagine living in one.

Cypress swamps, on the other hand, are, to me, some of the most wonderful places on earth. Beautiful submerged forests.

We set out on the Pearl River, and headed back into the bayou. It was a glorious morning, sunny, breezy and about 70 degrees. You can see the plucky and intrepid MizBubs sitting up toward the bow, unafraid of nutria rats, or alligators, or snakes falling from trees, or giant catfish leaping out of the water and whacking her in the head.



We headed up one of the bayous into the swamp. Here's what the swamp looked like going in:

Within minutes we were face to face with this fellow:

This gator was about 15 feet long, and is one of the older gators in that part of the swamp. He had just emerged within the past couple of weeks, according to our guide. He regarded us in the cold, dead-eyed way that alligators do. Sensing that there wasn't a single steroid user or crackhead on board, though, he soon went on about his business.

As we headed further into the swamp, the water turned darker, and we were enveloped by the smell of the swamp: dark smells of mud, thousands of years of muck and death and new growth, tides rising and falling, a hint of brine, wet leaves and bright floral scents emerging from it all, just long enough for you to notice the sweet fragrance before it wafted away. I love the way a swamp smells. It moves me.

Along the way we saw more alligators, small ones only 4 or 5 feet long, basking on logs:




Did I mention snakes? We saw a few of those, too, but I only got a blurry snapshot of this non-venomous water snake, also out for his George Hamilton moment in the morning sun:

We saw some beautiful birds, egrets and herons, and the majestic bald eagle.

I remembered at some point to look up and take in the trees:



Did you know that Spanish Moss was used at one time to stuff cushions, and as building insulation?

We emerged from the swamp, shook the snakes out of our hair and clothing, and cruised up the river past some of the fishing camps. The picture that graces the top of this blog was taken on a trip up this river in 2004. Sadly, Katrina sent a strong surge up the Pearl River, and a lot of these camps were destroyed. I could not find the place you see pictured above, and I think it was a casualty. We did see some other future compound sites though:



After a couple of hours the tour ended, and we returned to the dock. On our drive out, we passed the Saigon Noodle Soup, advertising French-Cajun Seafood Platter. I know this may surprise you, but I don't stop at every single restaurant I see. I regret not stopping here to check it out.

_____________________

Next stop: the greatest roadside attraction east of the Mississippi, the UCM Museum!

And now, enjoy a little swamp buggy badass, courtesy of New Orleans' own Quintron and Miss Pussycat:

Whoa, not so fast there, buster...

It's never a good omen when you're getting ready to fly out, and you look over at the TV weather and notice big red boxes outlining the area you're planning on flying into later that evening.

Looks like no one is flying from O'Hare to Dallas tonight. The next available flight would put me down there at 6:30pm, after a stop in Toronto (who the f*ck comes up with these flight plans anyway?) about an hour after we were supposed to be finished shooting.

So now I am sitting here in my bathrobe, caught in mid-packing. I wear a confused and amusing expression on my face, awaiting instructions from the home office.

Maybe I'll look up alligator stories while I wait. Lulu just sent me a good one from right here in Chicago. Of course the apologists in the pro-gator media covered the whole thing up.

Added 4:25 PM: I shouldn't have made that crack about flying to Dallas via Toronto. I am now scheduled to fly to Dallas via Richmond, Virginia. Oh well. Maybe I'll see some crazy Virginians driving around naked as they're prone to do. Anyone have any good ideas on how to spend a 3-hour layover in the capital of the Confederacy?

NEVER FORGET

I owe you all an apology.

It's easy to become complacent. So easy to post drink recipes, and pinups, and pictures of the occasional predatory Santa. All these distractions have served to take my focus away from what I should be doing first and foremost, and the first week of the new year is a perfect time to correct the course.

What is it I should be doing, you ask?

Reminding each and every one of you that there is a war on. World War G. As I've stated before, mankind is locked in a savage battle with the order Crocodilia, and in this great nation we are specifically under attack by the family Alligatoridae--the alligator.

The most frightening aspect of World War G is the realization that certain humans have seen fit to cast their lot with the reptiles. In some cases a do-gooder "naturalist" might have convinced them that we can coexist with gators; more often though (certainly more than any so-called "authorities" would care to admit), drugs are involved. The alligator/cocaine nexus has been well-documented, nearly as much as the religion/porn nexus.

With that in mind, the news from El Cajon, California, is grim.

Christopher Shawn Hendry, Jr. avoided prison time and was sentenced to probation for illegally possessing an alligator, 27 venomous snakes, an illegal assault rifle, and a pistol fitted with a silencer. He also kept ammunition stored in his 2 year old daughter's bedroom, and had over 100 pounds of fireworks.

Sweet weeping Jesus on the cross, what kind of country do we live in that can't put a man like this in prison?

Of course the gator apologists in the mainstream media have downplayed this incident. Headlines like this one

Man Found With Exotic Pets in Home Sentenced

really don't paint an accurate picture. "Exotic pets"!?

How about a headline like this:

HEAVILY ARMED FREAK WITH HOUSE FULL OF KILLER REPTILES DODGES JAIL TIME

Now that's a headline.

_____________________

So, this is my pledge to you. I will never forget, nor will I let you forget. We will remain strong and vigilant in the face of danger. We'll stay focused. And, God willing, we'll prevail.

I'm going to start by posting these Alligator Safety Tips, courtesy of the South Florida Sun-Sentinel:

• ALLIGATOR SAFETY TIPS

• Never allow small children or pets near water by themselves.
  


• Do not allow pets to swim, exercise or drink from lakes or canals that may contain alligators. Dogs are highly susceptible to attack since they resemble the natural prey of alligators.
  


• Do not swim outside of posted swimming areas or in waters that might be inhabited by alligators.
  


• Alligators are most active between dusk and dawn. Leave alligators alone. State law prohibits killing, harassing or possession of alligators.
  


• Never feed alligators. When fed, alligators overcome their natural wariness and learn to associate people with food.
  


• At boat ramps and fish camps, dispose of fish in garbage cans. Do not throw them in the water.
  


• Never remove an alligator from its natural habitat or accept one as a pet. They do not become tame in captivity and handling even small ones can result in injury.
  


• Seek immediate medical attention if bitten by an alligator. Bites often result in serious infection.

Please, commit these to memory. They could save your life, or the lives of your loved ones. I would add one more to this list: stay away from that crack pipe, especially if you plan on hanging out near a gator hole.

_____________________

Finally, I'd like to unveil a project I began working on in 2007. This is just the prototype, so bear with me as I make improvements in the coming months (I gladly welcome technical assistance from any of you computer-savvy readers out there, and a grateful nation would thank you for your service).

Behold, the Sprawling Ramshackle Compound Alligator Threat Map:


View Larger Map

Remember, the watchword for 2008 remains

CONSTANT VIGILANCE !

Don't snorkel in the gator hole

As if any reader of this blog needs to hear that message repeated...

Unfortunately, a 59 year old man swimming in Lake Moultrie, South Carolina was not so lucky. That's his arm that you see in the alligator's mouth. Intrepid DNR officers shot and killed the marauding gator, cut him open and retrieved the arm from his belly. Some nurses picnicking nearby gave up a cooler and some ice to preserve the limb, but ultimately doctors could not reattach the arm. You can see the entire series of photos here.

The attack has heightened fears about alligators in human recreation areas. The alligator involved in this attack was 35-40 years old, and accustomed to humans. My sources tell me that young scout gators frequently train in this area before being shipped off to crack houses on the east and west coasts.

On a positive note, the trapper who killed the alligator has offered to mount the head and offer it as a trophy to the victim. Normally he'd donate the meat to charity, but seeing as how the gator was feasting on long pig it doesn't look like anyone would want the gator meat.

Remember--CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Hero cops reprimanded in gator incident

This story is from southside bureau chief Dena.

Two intrepid cops in Altamonte Springs, Florida, called on to confront a rogue alligator rampaging through an apartment complex, took quick and decisive action. They wrestled the gator into submission, saving God knows how many lives in the process.

Are they being feted like heroes? Commended for their actions?

No. They are being "counseled" which in police administrative jargon is the first step on the disciplinary ladder, right before verbal or written reprimand. That's right--instead of turning that gator into a 4-legged lead mine with whatever firepower they had handy, they went hands-on to neutralize the threat. No ricocheting bullets, no collateral damage. And now some police administrator, obviously soft on the issue of gator violence, wants to "counsel" them.

Sheesh. People wonder why cops burn out.

I can only hope that department's narcotics investigators take a close look at the residents of that apartment complex. Narcozoology tells us that, if alligators lurk in a residential area, so does the dope fiend.

Weekend Alligator Update

A few days ago I got an email titled "Train Like a Gator." I was intrigued. It was from Men's Health magazine, and I thought maybe this would give me the edge I needed to make the transition from world's leading narcozoologist to world's leading alligator fighter.

No such luck. Turns out it was some article on the cardio training done by the Florida Gators college basketball team on their way to the title. Ho hum. I'm not interested in training to run around a hardwood floor bouncing a ball, no sir. If that article had been about how alligators train their young to wage war on humankind, now that would've been something. I could've used information like that. I mean, cardio training is all well and good--I ran 10 miles this morning as the culmination of week 5 of training for the Chicago Marathon--but cardio doesn't kill gators. It's too bad they don't have alligators in Israel, because I bet the Israelis would invent some kind of wicked anti-alligator Krav Maga, and that would be totally f*cking cool.

There are a few new items to report in the ongoing struggle I call World War G.

Normally I don't report on instances of alligators menacing golfers in Florida. That happens all the time. But this story, about a golfer who got pulled in and nearly lost an arm, is notable for one reason: the alligator had only one eye. Think about that. This story illustrates the driven, goal-oriented nature of the alligator--even with a disability, the gator continues his mission, which is, in this case, to kill all the golfers. He didn't even need a reason.


In a more alarming story close to home, some pro-gator apologists put on a show for the kids, letting them get up close and personal with an alligator, an iguana and some other lizards. Why do I call them apologists? Get a load of this statement by Bob Bavirsha of the Chicago Herpetological Society:

"It's important to be nice and friendly to them and they will be nice and friendly to you."

HE'S SAYING THIS ABOUT ALLIGATORS, PEOPLE! Bavirsha went on to show a variety of lizards that he said would make "good pets." Ha. Why not just give the kids a pipe and a bag of rock cocaine while you're at it?

There were two items in the news recently demonstrating the alligator's ongoing effort to interfere with our free flow of commerce:

An alligator in San Antonio, Texas was shot near an apartment complex. My sources say the gator was en route to I-410, a nearby highway.

An alligator in Fort Meade, Florida, attempted to set up a roadblock and trapped a woman in her truck until authorities arrived.

There are unconfirmed reports that an alligator may have made it all the way to the hills of Wayne, West Virginia. There is some confusion, however, because apparently many West Virginians can't tell the difference between an alligator and a beaver.

Alert cops in El Cajon, California, arrested 24 year old Christopher Shawn Hendry, Jr. He had an alligator in his living room, along with a few guns, a silencer and several poisonous snakes. There's no indication whether drugs were involved, but I'll go out on a limb here and say that I'd bet Mr. Hendry is no stranger to the pipe.

Finally, encouraging news:


A plucky stay-at-home mom in Reston, Virginia trapped a young scout gator in her backyard. Well done, ma'am!

Recognizing (hopefully not too late) that they will be swimming in rivers of blood if they don't stop this current wave of alligator attacks, Florida authorities have begun to offer classes in how citizens can prepare and arm themselves to hunt alligators.

_____________________

Remember friends, that may not be a friendly beaver in your local pond--it could be an alligator!

CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

The struggle continues

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, the proverbial turd in a punchbowl, but heck. It's what I do.

In spite of recent victories in New York, Kansas, Florida and California, the alligator has once again proven to be a wily and resilient adversary.

A young gator was captured in northern California, showing the gator's unyielding efforts to scout new territory.

What is it with New Yorkers and their insatiable desire to keep alligators as pets?

Alligators have apparently chosen to open a new front in the rust belt. A young scout gator was captured in a garage near Toledo, Ohio.

In a disturbing development, I've recently learned of another example of a bad cop being compromised by alligators.

Sgt. Warren Nyerges of the Bay Village PD, was placed on administrative leave after being charged with domestic violence and having a prohibited animal--an alligator. The stress and paranoia that results from being a reptile Quisling must have weighed heavily on Sgt. Nyerges. Police confiscated more than 40 firearms from his house.

Oh, yeah, one more thing--drugs were involved. Not the usual cocaine, or weed, or methamphetamine. Steroids. I don't have enough data to determine if Sgt. Nyerges' steroid use impaired his judgment, or if the stress of collaborating with the reptile enemy, and the constant fear of alligator attack, drove him to start hitting himself in the ass with D-bol. But I aim to find out.

For now the watchword remains, as always: CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Ninja gator

This is from south side bureau chief Dena:

Gator visits suburb

The struggle continues...

Vigilant Californians halt gator advance!

Good news to report in the ongoing struggle against alligator attack!

Reconnaissance gator "Reggie", forward element of an invading army of dope-fueled stealth alligators headed for Los Angeles, was caught when he emerged from Lake Machado. Reggie had apparently turned soft from two seasons of easy living in southern California. Whether he was tempted by celebrity or merely the desire to look good, Reggie came out to get some sun and was promptly grabbed by wildlife officials who had gathered nearby to discuss how to capture him.

Reggie is shown here on his way to gator Gitmo. Hopefully the authorities in Los Angeles have access to skilled alligator whisperers to assist in the investigation.

Alligators: wily, kill-crazy...and resilient

I need to adjust the alligator early-warning system here at the compound. This story has been on the wires since 8:22 pm CST on April 30, but I just found it this morning. Please accept my sincere apology for not getting this vital information to you sooner.

According to this story in the L.A. Times, Reggie the alligator has reappeared in Lake Machado. Efforts to catch Reggie in 2005 fell apart after self-described gator expert T-Bone Quinn of Louisiana referred to the team from Gatorland as "retarded." Ted Williams, leader of Team Gatorland, responded as Team Gatorland quit the project:

"I will not allow some swamp rat to walk into a situation and make comments…. I am not going to allow Gatorland to be referred to as 'retarded.' "

T-Bone's victory over Team Gatorland was short-lived. He was later arrested for violating his probation in Louisiana.

As if the incompetence and fractiousness of the so-called "experts" brought in to catch the gator wasn't discouraging enough, even worse news comes later in the article: the explosive revelation that alligators have compromised certain members of the law enforcement community!

Yeah, you heard me right. Former LAPD Officer Todd Natow, after raising Reggie to fighting size in a backyard pool, dumped him in Lake Machado. And guess what? DRUGS WERE INVOLVED!!!

Todd Natow, who left LAPD after 17 years of service (and let me tell you, that is a BIG red flag right there--a cop who "leaves" three years short of being able to collect a pension) was arrested in 2005 when police raided his house and found marijuana, alligators, piranhas and a rattlesnake.

Wake up Los Angeles! Effective law enforcement has possibly stopped the northward march of the gator army in places like New York and Massachussets. Your sunny clime and a corrupt cop have opened you up as the next logical target.

Watch the lakes...watch the lakes! And I'm going on the record as saying my services are available for a very reasonable price.