On, Wisconsin!

Meet 23-year-old Rachel Ferrara. Rachel does not like her boyfriend watching porn. I mean, she really does not like her boyfriend watching porn. Or maybe it was the watching porn and masturbating part that got her. Maybe if he'd just been doing one or the other, things would have worked out ok. We'll probably never know.

In any event, Rachel came home and found her boyfriend getting busy with himself. She punched him in the gut, kicked him in the groin, and then backed him into the kitchen, where she proceeded to grab a 5" serrated knife. She then carved him a bit about the arms, and stabbed him in the abdomen. He drove himself to the hospital.

What makes this strange for a Wisconsin case is that she used a serrated kitchen knife, and not a replica Ren-Faire dagger of some type. Maybe she's not originally from Wisconsin.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"It’s kind of a mixed bag. He takes her to his house, holds her captive, handcuffs her. We don’t know what the diapers are about. And then he’s reading the Bible to her. I don’t know."

-Toledo Police Department Captain Ray Carroll, discussing the arrest of Troy Ian Brisport for felonious assault and kidnapping.

Meet 34 year old Troy Ian Brisport of Toledo, Ohio:



Troy Ian Brisport is this week's Freak of the Week.

Brisport picked up a 22 year old homeless woman in Detroit, and offered her a place to stay. Once he got her back to his apartment he handcuffed her, undressed her, and put her in a diaper. Over the next three days he read Bible passages to her, and occasionally attempted to suffocate her with a pillow and blanket. Both Brisport and the victim, when interviewed by investigators, denied that they had any sexual contact.

_____________________

On, Wisconsin!

The runner-up for Freak of the Week is Steven Marcsis, Jr. of Racine, Wisconsin.



For reasons known only to himself and the demons in his head, Steven was found "performing a sex act inside a trash bin" at an elementary school. The police were there to investigate some computer thefts and became suspicious when they saw the dumpster lid close. Steven, who lives with his mother, had a camera and some "lewd pictures" with him. Steven also had a bunch of child porn and a list of names and addresses of 500 girls back at his mom's place.

No one on the list has reported having any contact with Steven. Authorities stated that, since this was Wisconsin, they were relieved that there was no necrophilia or cannibalism involved.

_____________________

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

-William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"

Now there's more things in Tennessee
Than is dreamed of in your philosophy.

-Lux Interior, "Cornfed Dames"

On, Wisconsin!

On, Wisconsin! On, Wisconsin!

Grand old Badger state!

We, thy loyal sons and daughters

Hail thee good and great.

On, Wisconsin! On, Wisconsin!

Champion of the right.

"Forward," our motto - God

Will give thee might!

_____________________

God may give many things to our cheese eating, brandy swilling neighbors to the north, but giving new life to the decomposing corpse of your 90 year old grandmother is not one of them.

Tammy Lewis of Necedah, Wisconsin, was recognized as Freak of the Week on this blog back in May 2008: Freak of the week: midweek sex & death edition. Ms. Lewis, aka Sister Mary Bernadett, was arrested, along with self-styled "Bishop" Alan Bushey (pronounced boo-shay), for keeping the decomposing body of Lewis' grandmother propped up on a toilet for several months while they cashed her checks and Bushey promised to eventually raise her from the dead.

Lewis was back in the news this week as she reached a plea agreement:

Wis. woman pleads no contest in toilet corpse case

Wisconsin authorities, relieved that Lewis did not engage in the usual Wisconsin style necrophilia and cannibalism, agreed to let her plead no contest to misdemeanor charges. Lewis' defense attorney, Dan Berkos, is hopeful:

"She has made some really great progress emotionally and even physically. She is looking forward. She is no longer looking backward at how things should have been different. Everybody is geared toward reunifying her with the kids and getting the family back together."

That could happen within the next year, "assuming things go well," he said.

District Attorney Scott Southworth says the case was handled as well as it could have been:

"I realize some people may say she just got off with a slap on the hand or whatever," he said. "There is a volume of information on the case, a lot of which I cannot divulge to the public. Based on everything we learned, I do believe this was a fair and just way of handling her matter."

35 year old Daniel Shilts of Waldo, Wisconsin, was was pulled over in the city of Plymouth after an officer saw him driving erratically. Shilts eventually crashed into a pole at a gas station. Shilts was arrested after (surprise!) failing sobriety tests. On the way into the police station, Shilts urinated all over the back of the squad car. He also managed to aim between the center divider separating the front and back seats, and whizzed on the back of the arresting officer's head. Mr. Shilts is no stranger to the criminal justice system:

Shilts was charged with misdemeanor fourth-offense operating while intoxicated, felony discharging bodily fluids at a public safety worker, misdemeanor operating after revocation and three felony counts of bail jumping tied to other pending felony cases. He could face up to 15.5 years in prison, if convicted on all counts.

Following, as it does, within weeks of the arrest of Manitowoc resident Torey Devaux for urinating on a dog during a domestic disturbance, I'm prepared to go on the record as saying that Wisconsin is now on the brink of a new "golden age" of freakery. Move over, necrophilia and cannibalism--Wisconsin also stakes a claim on urophilia!

Freak of the Week: Post Election Edition!

Sure, some of you people are still walking around all happy and starry-eyed, celebrating Tuesday's victory.

Not me.

An Obama presidency may change a lot of things, but until I see concrete proposals on how his administration plans on addressing the serious concerns I have, I will not let my guard down. No sir. Until I see that "yes, we can" means "yes, we can finally deal with our alligator problem" or "yes, we can carry out preventive detention on a large segment of the clowning community" my personal watchword will remain, as always:

Constant Vigilance!

Yesterday was, as I read somewhere, a day of "happy stupor" for many of us, so there was no Weenie Waver Wednesday. I will endeavor to make up for that by presenting you with my post election Freak of the Week.

I know everyone had such a good time voting Tuesday that I wanted to give you all an opportunity to vote again. It is the Chicago way.

_____________________

I was not able to find a picture of Mr. Metin Erzurum, and I apologize for that. Mr. Erzurum was arrested after department store employees found him in the morning snuggled up in a display window, having apparently engaged in a menage-a-trois with some mannequins. It is unknown whether or not Erzurum is a repeat offender; for right now the official Mannequin Fetishist of Sprawling Ramshackle Compound remains Ronald Dotson, who was featured here in January 2007.

_____________________

Meet Daniel Cunningham of Kalihi, Hawaii.

Daniel Cunningham was identified as the landlord of a building that collapsed. It turns out that Cunningham had constructed a, eh, ramshackle structure that he rented rooms in. The structure consisted largely of metal scaffolding and tarps arranged in a warren of rooms and passageways. Several of his tenants are now planning to sue him.

Why am I telling you about this, you ask. Since when does a slumlord qualify to compete for the coveted Freak of the Week? When that slumlord is a former chiropractor who lost his license for giving mysterious "injections", and is known as "the guy who wears socks on his hands" and is a perpetual candidate for local office who founded the "Free Energy Party" based on "the technical reality of having free electricity", well, then, I'd say he qualifies. Oh, it looks like he also used some of the tenants "as lab rats" going so far as to blind one of them by injecting an unknown substance into the skin near his eyes.

When questioned by a local reporter about these "treatments" Cunningham took a page from the GOP playbook and blamed the media. Cunningham said that the law was written by "aliens" and

"I think you work for them. The media works for them and they own the money and they are eating people down below..."

The British tabloid press continues to be a good source of stories. Members of the clergy have been featured before, and this week's clergy member is an unknown vicar who showed up at the emergency room of Northern General Hospital in Sheffield.

The vicar sought medical assistance because he had a potato lodged in his bunghole.

This story quotes nurse Trudi Watson:

“He explained to me, quite sincerely, he had been hanging curtains naked in the kitchen when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table and on to a potato.

But it’s not for me to question his story.

“He had to undergo surgery to have it removed.”

Say no to drugs:

33 year old Michael Lasiter of Modesto, California, caused a commotion at a local Denny's restaurant. Lasiter ran into the Denny's and promptly began trying to amputate his own arm, first with a customer's butter knife, and then with a more substantial butcher knife from the kitchen.

Mr. Lasiter believed that, while shooting himself up with cocaine, he had injected himself with a potentially fatal air bubble. The only solution was to immediately amputate his own arm. Mr. Lasiter got a tasering from the police before he was taken to a hospital.

_____________________

On, Wisconsin:



Torey Devaux, of Manitowoc, Wisconsin, got arrested for several counts of domestic violence and disorderly conduct. Mr. Devaux got in an argument with his female roommate, who refused to have sex with him. Mr. Devaux then sauntered down to the basement and pissed all over her dog and the basement floor. When the roommate's sister attempted to intervene, Devaux allegedly battered her and punched out a window. Police caught up with him a short distance away from the scene.

The condition of the dog is not known. Alcohol was involved.

Thanks to Lulu and Dena who both sent me links to this story. I can't tell you how proud it makes me to know that when one of you sees a story about an out of control drunk cheesehead pissing on a dog, I'm the first person you think of.

_____________________

Honorable mention to Alaska governor Sarah Palin. According to this piece in Newsweek, when McCain staffers Steve Schmidt and Mark Salter went to her room to brief her during the GOP convention, she strolled into the room fresh out of the shower, clad only in a towel. Classy!

_____________________

So, let's vote!

On, Wisconsin

Meet Valentina Grenader of New Berlin, Wisconsin.

Ms. Grenader is currently charged with attempted first-degree intentional homicide, strangulation and suffocation, and substantial battery.

Ms. Grenader and her victim, her husband Mark Grenader, arrived together at the New Berlin Police Department, with Mr. Grenader demanding to press charges against her.

His beef?

"He said she initiated sexual contact, tying him to bed posts and blindfolding him. Then she put the plastic wrap over his mouth and nose, making it difficult for him to breathe. He began thrashing and tried to yell for help.

She told him she was going to kill him and then herself, the complaint says.

As he pleaded for his life, she hit him three or four times with a dumbbell in the head..."

Ms. Grenader says she wasn't trying to kill him, only trying to get him to shut up so that she could discuss her gambling problem with him after losing $800 in a casino. She went on to describe her victim as "a control freak". Mr. Grenader required several stitches to close his head wound.

What I'd like to know:

1) How did the couple get from the house to the police station? What did they talk about in the car on the way over? Who drove?

2) What conditions of bond did the judge order, other than to "not possess weapons, including dumbbells"?

3) How long have they lived in Wisconsin? Because this is a pretty lame-ass attempt at necrophilia if you ask me, and I would expect better from a native or long-time resident.

On, Wisconsin!

Meet Aaron Maurice of Appleton, Wisconsin.

A couple in Appleton was awakened in the early morning hours by the sound of someone whistling in their basement. Being prepared Americans, they grabbed a shotgun and investigated.

In the basement they found Mr. Maurice, wearing the man's hat and the woman's jacket, and covered in barbecue sauce. Maurice related that he was hiding from the government, and later described the barbecue sauce as "an urban disguise, if you will."

Maurice's attorney, Gene Bartman, noted that Maurice was motivated by "inexplicable reasons."

Freak of the week: midweek sex & death edition

That got your attention, didn't it?

Sex:

An unnamed Japanese civil servant was suspended for three months after he was caught surfing porn in his office. More than 177,000 times in July alone. The office computer filters successfully blocked more than 30,000 attempts to access porn sites. As happens with many sexual escapades, he was discovered because of an infection--his computer was repeatedly hit with viruses. He apologized but never did explain his behavior.

Death:

On, Wisconsin!

A 15 year old girl, a 12 year old boy and their mother in Necedah, lived for two months with the decaying body of their deceased 90 year old grandmother sitting on the toilet of the home's only bathroom. Why? Because the family's self-described "bishop" told them the corpse was about to come back to life.



Police went to the house on a well-being check and spoke with the daughter, Tammy Lewis, aka Sister Mary Bernadett, who told them granny wasn't home. Tammy is pictured above. She initially refused to let the deputy in; the alert cop noticed a little something extra in the smell department, in addition to the incense and woodsmoke. Once inside she ultimately found "something piled on what appeared to be a toilet". That "something" was the remains of Magdalena Alvina Middlesworth.

The freakshow got better when Bishop Alan Bushey (pronounced Boo-Shay) arrived. The bishop informed police that he had "received signs that God would raise her from the dead with a miracle."

The 12 year old boy told police "he had considered running away because he was uncomfortable with the situation. He said Bushey told him that demons were trying to make it look as if Middlesworth wouldn't come back to life, and that if she were to be discovered he and the girl would have to go to public school and get jobs because Middlesworth paid the bills."

Surprisingly, since this was Wisconsin, there was no necrophilia or cannibalism involved. Tammy and Alan were charged with felony counts of causing mental harm to a child.

Sex:

This is possibly the best headline, ever:

Penis Pump Judge Gains Release

Former Okie judge Donald Thompson, featured here in October 2007, was released from prison recently. The article doesn't say if it was a full release and there's no way of knowing yet if this story will have a happy ending.

Death:

Kevin Jones and Matthew Gonzalez were each arrested and charged with desecrating a corpse, after they dug up the body of an 11 year old buried in 1921 and removed the skull. Why did they do this?

"They cut the jaw off of it and wrapped it in electrical tape and used it to make a bong," Houston Police Department Officer Jim Adkins said.

Check out the lively, engaged eyes on this duo:



The skull has not been recovered, and police are seeking its return.

Sex:

Some people, you just want to ask them, what the hell were you thinking? Because, really, I'd like to know. I'd like to ask that question of Mr. Thomas G. Findler, of Hamilton, New Jersey.

Mr. Findler was caught by a church custodian at 8:30 in the morning, in a nun's office, viewing pornography on the nun's computer. Investigation revealed that Findler had been creeping around the church for approximately a month, and using the computer to visit "teen and fetish" sites. Findler, 42, is single, is employed as a civilian by the NJ State Police, and lives with his father. He was charged with theft, theft of services and burglary. I could not find a mug shot.

Bonus round:

When Lisa Bess of Ocala, Florida, returned home, she couldn't figure out why her bathroom door was locked and water was running inside. She called the police, and when they got there and kicked in the bathroom door they discovered Tom Wilkerson.



Naked, sitting on the toilet, demanding to be allowed to "finish his business" after having let himself into the house earlier that day. Wilkerson tried to convince police that he was a friend of the family.

Two lessons here:

1) Don't leave a key to your house outside, no matter how well-concealed you think it is, and
2) Make friends with your neighbors, so when they see a burglar standing on your porch smoking, and coming and going from your house during the day, they don't assume it's your friend.

_____________________

Now it's time for a poll. Vote for this week's Freak of the Week by clicking here:

On, Wisconsin!

Meet Ronnie A. Ballard of Madison, Wisconsin.

Evidently cheese isn't really all that binding, because Mr. Ballard was just arrested for repeatedly marking his territory by defecating in a laundry room, in people's laundry, and in footwear left in an apartment hallway.

Mr. Ballard has been charged with disorderly conduct, criminal damage to property and bail jumping. The judge also ordered him, going forward, to only defecate in toilets.

_____________________

I came up with one other candidate for freak of the week, this one from northern Europe.

A Swedish doctor identified only as "Doctor Anal" won an appeal in the Stockholm county court, overturning a warning issued by the Medical Responsibility Board. That warning came after the doctor used his technique to treat an elderly woman's headaches and back pain. The woman, after undergoing three treatment sessions, described it as "an incredibly offensive encroachment." At least after the third time. The first article I found is hilariously titled "Court gives thumbs up to anal massage technique."

The man has also been fired from medical jobs in Denmark and Norway. A Norwegian health board disciplined the man for telling Swedish jokes to a group of mourning Norwegians.

Doctor Anal believes himself to be the victim of a witch hunt. Says the doctor:

"I have a personality disorder, or rather a syndrome, a form of Aspergers. Just like Bill Gates or Einstein, for example...I have made it impossible for myself within the healthcare sector because I behave childishly sometimes. I am different, but cleverer."

Just how angry IS that leopard?

Lately I've been getting hits from all over the world from people looking for pictures of an angry leopard attacking a man in India. Back in January I posted a link to a story about a leopard that attacked a man in a housing complex in India, and was subsequently beaten to death by a stick-wielding mob. No one paid much attention at the time. But now? The attention whore in me is doing a drunken jig from all the extra visits.


Now I know how Anandamide felt when he received the random attentions of thousands of ZZ Top fans. And this got me thinking again--how do people find this little spot on the interwebs? And how do I keep up the wonderfully ego-stroking 100 + hits per day?

Someone in Janesville, Wisconsin wanted to compare/contrast Eve White Eve Black 3 faces of Eve.

Naughty Googlers in Hertford, UK, and in Lithuania, wanted naked Bubs.

A Chippewa Falls cheesehead wonders what life in other mid-sized Wisconsin towns is like, and is looking for Eau Claire nude.

Another naughty Googler, this time a cheesehead from Marion, Wisconsin, wanted to find some Wisconsin porn. (Does Wisconsin porn involve more cheese curds and brandy than mainstream porn?)

Testicles. Penis. Stripper. That's what some freak in Bothell, Washington wants.

A thrifty Chicagoan wanted to find LaSalle Bank incentives.

A narcozoology buff in San Antonio, Texas wanted to learn more about bad cop and alligator freak Warren Nyerges.

Some Yankee up in Portland Maine inquired about Lettuce Dogs.

Tina Louise Iggy Pop--evidently someone in Oak Park, Illinois wanted to see both of them together. I can only imagine.

A marathon buff in Toronto wanted to read about the Chicago Marathon aftermath.

Aftermath? Let's try Chicago Marathon Embarrassment instead.


I think I'll ask Grant Miller for pointers on how to jazz up my blog to attract more interesting search hits.

Freak of the week alumni update

Waaaaaay back in May, a character known only as the "Cheesehead foot freak" won our Freak of the Week contest. News items said a he was arrested for stealing 1,500 pairs of shoes from girls lockers at high schools and middle schools, and I was amazed that, given that level of freakery, I could not find his name or his picture.

Well, generally my attention span has been badly shortened, but I remember a good fetishist. So when I caught a headline about a foot fetishist burglar pleading guilty, I quickly followed the link.

Now, it is with great pleasure that I present to you Erik D. Heinrich:

You can read about his guilty plea here. It should come as no surprise to anyone who reads this blog that Heinrich had a previous shoe-fetish burglary conviction in 2005.

On, Wisconsin!

On, Wisconsin!

I don't know what it is about Wisconsin and sword crime, but here's another story from our cheese-making, brandy-swilling neighbors to the north.

24 year old Brian Schmid and 22 year old Renee Ferrerri were arrested after robbing a gas station with a samurai sword. An alert police officer remembered seeing a number of Japanese style swords in the couple's apartment when he was there in May to investigate a domestic disturbance over rent money.

Guess what? Alcohol was involved.

The couple cooked up the robbery plan at Jeeper's Gin Mill, where they stole the work car they used for the occasion.

In her statement to police, Ms. Ferrerri said they

"...planned the robbery because they were tired of their lives and they just ‘gave up.’ (She) said the plan stemmed from both of them wanting to leave the area and start over and needing cash in order to accomplish this.”

On, Wisconsin!

Got a taste for brandy, cheese and necrophilia?

Then by all means, head for Wisconsin, where a state appeals court upheld the dismissal of attempted sexual assault charges against three freaks who dug up a corpse with the intention of getting busy with it. The court ruled that there is no law against corpse-bangin' in the Badger State; Wisconsin lawmakers are frantically drafting new legislation in an attempt to stave off an expected mass migration of corpse lovers from around the nation.

There's no word on whether the attempted theft charge against he three freaks, profiled here in September 2006, will continue in court.

While it may still be legal to love up a corpse in Wisconsin, that only applies to human carcasses, not dead animals. Bryan James Hathaway was found guilty of misdemeanor mistreatment of an animal and received probation and sex offender counseling. Mr. Hathaway, you may recall, was the freak who got caught poking a dead deer by the side of the road last fall.

On, Wisconsin!

Midweek Freak of the Week: first freak of the summer!

There are three freaks this week. Let's have a little contest, shall we?

Contestant number one hails from the Badger State. For some reason, not a single article I found mentioned this freak by name. But here's the story: a 27 year old man was arrested and found to be in possession of 1,500 pairs of girl's shoes. He stole the shoes from area schools because, as a police spokesman said, "he liked to smell them."

Contestant number two was very definitely identified after he got caught jerking off in a women's bathroom at the University of Arizona. And, uh, oh yeah--he turned out to be an FBI agent:

Ryan Seese, 33, was cited on suspicion of public sexual indecency, criminal trespassing and indecent exposure, said Sgt. Eugene Mejia, a University of Arizona Police Department spokesman.

Contestant number three is another unknown freak, and a Canadian! Perhaps our favorite Canadians Dale or Barbara might have some insight into this behavior; then again, it might be really scary if they do.

Police in Guelph, Ontario, are looking for a man who is approaching women and asking them to kick him in the groin. Two of the women reported that the man was riding a bicycle at the time, so maybe he wasn't really committed to getting kicked in the balls. Here's what caught my attention:

According to a police spokesperson, they want to find this freak not because he's actually committed a crime, but because "That kind of behavior tends to be a precursor to sexual assault." In my 19 years of police work, I've never seen nor heard of a sexual assault that starts off with the offender asking the victim to kick him in the balls, but then again, I've never worked sex crimes in Canada. Is it different up there?

If you're not creeped out, then I'm not doing my job

It's been a busy few days since returning from Florida. So many things going on, so much to write about, so little time to do it. We were lucky enough last week to finally participate in Johnny Yen's popular "Margarita Friday." Thanks to a 64 oz box of Fresh Island margarita mix on sale at Binny's Beverage Depot, and an unopened bottle of tequila that MizBubs found behind the tiki bar, "Margarita Friday" turned into "Margarita Saturday", followed closely by "Margarita Sunday".

Still, the weekend was productive. MizBubs and the girls spent the better part of the weekend working in the yard and garden. MizBubs, handiest gal in town, found the leak that was causing our pond to drain--thankfully it was a 2 inch split in the hose running from the pump up to the waterfall, so a pretty easy repair job, compared to tearing up several hundred pounds of concrete and stone. More on all that yard stuff later. Why?

Because now I'm here to talk about clown crime.

I didn't plan on blogging at all this week, but a couple of items jumped out at me and I felt compelled to bring them to your attention. Remember, it's almost Memorial Day, and that means that carnivals are on the move. And when the carny smells of deep fried fat, human sweat and cheap beer are in the air, the clown is close behind. Just as it is with alligators, the best defense against clown crime is constant vigilance!

A clown wearing a top hat robbed a Fredericksburg, Virginia CVS store of $6,000 worth of Oxycontin and Methadone.

Ronald Schroeder, better known as "Silly the Clown", is in custody in Waukesha, Wisconsin. He stands accused of raping his unconscious girlfriend. Silly took photos of the event, and when cops arrested him they also (surprise!) seized child porn on his computer. You can read the criminal complaint here. Alcohol was involved.

Schroeder should probably have called himself "Stalker the Clown" since he had two restraining orders filed against him in the past.

Schroeder's case involves computers, email and messaging. Is there a trend here? Remember, just a few weeks ago popular Colorado children's entertainer "Giggles the Clown" got arrested for using the internet to lure an underage sex partner.

Authorities in Tuscon, Arizona recently convicted half of a quartet of criminals known as the "Clown Robbers." A closer examination of this case, however, revealed that the offenders were not actually working clowns, but merely common criminals who wore clown disguises.

On, Wisconsin!

Police in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, arrested a man who claimed to be a werewolf:

39 year old Robert Marsh, recently released from jail, now returned, was charged with disorderly conduct, criminal damage to property, and criminal trespass. He also had a bag of weed on him; technically this story, then, does not fall in the category of "narcozoology", but rather an even more obscure science: narco-cryptozoology.

Police reported that Marsh spoke to them in "what sounded like a medieval sounding language." Since this occurred in Wisconsin, Marsh is fortunate that he didn't break into the apartment of a sword-wielding RenFaire freak.

And, once again, since it is Wisconsin, we should be grateful that the werewolf inside Robert Marsh's head wasn't a necrophiliac.

Sex in the stacks

I think that our brothers and sisters to the north have much to be proud of this week. Once again, Wisconsin leads the way, miles ahead of us F.I.B.'s to the south.

No, I'm not talking about necrophilia, or oddballs f*cking roadkill. I'm talking about privacy rights--specifically, the privacy rights of library patrons. Even more specifically, the right of library patrons to masturbate in a public library without having to worry about some do-gooder library administrator turning the security video over to the police.

On, Wisconsin!

Welcome to Eau Claire, Wisconsin!

Welcome to Eau Claire, Wisconsin--one of the 100 Best Communities for Young People!

And, according to this story, one of the 100 best communities to set your johnson on fire with lighter fluid when you're drunk!

Oh, and yes my friends--alcohol was involved.

On, Wisconsin

More news from our cheese-making, brandy-drinking brothers to the north:

Man mistakes porn DVD as woman's cries for help

James Van Iveren, 39, grabbed a sword and allegedly kicked in his upstairs neighbor's door when he mistook the sounds of a porn movie for the sound of a woman being assaulted. James was at home with his mother at the time, and couldn't call police because he has no telephone.

I think he was hoping that 19 years of sword fighting at the Bristol Renaissance Fair would finally pay off and he'd get to rescue a maiden.

News from Wisconsin

A truckload of cow intestines and digital music technology don't mix.

Just ask Ryan Engle, 25, of Kenosha, Wisconsin. He flipped a semi truck filled with 76,000 pounds of "beef byproduct" when he tried to adjust his MP3 player.

According to this story, the Wisconsin Dells tourist attraction The Wonder Spot is about to be bulldozed to build a road.

And, finally, the West Salem Coulee News proclaims the Man Bat of Briggs Road to be the weirdest story of 2006.

Remarkably, there's not a single story involving necrophilia or sex with animal carcasses.

On, Wisconsin!

Dude! Will White Castle profits soar along with US weed production?

According to this article in the Guardian, marijuana is now the NUMBER ONE CASH CROP IN THE UNITED STATES. I'm sorry, didn't mean to yell.

As someone from the midwest, who's spent hours driving through apparently endless fields of corn and soybeans, I find the idea that American-grown weed is worth more than all that corn and soy just mind-boggling.

The study appears here on the Bulletin for Cannabis Reform page. You can read about their estimation methods here.

I remember reading, years ago, that marijuana had passed tobacco as the top crop in states like Kentucky and North Carolina. Well, here's the top ten producing states according to this table:

1) California (no surprise there)
2) Tennessee
3) Kentucky (do I swell with home state pride? Or what?)
4) Hawaii
5) Washington
6) North Carolina
7) Florida
8) Alabama
9) West Virginia
10) Oregon

Illinois placed 19, behind our Hoosier neighbors to the east (17). We are, however, way ahead of Iowa (43) and Wisconsin (27). Evidently cornfed meth freaks and brandy-swilling cheeseheads don't have what it takes to make good pot farmers.