Doctor Who - The Gunpowder Plot

The Doctor and some Guy.

Hello again, today I would like to tell you all about the latest Doctor Who Adventure Game, The Gunpowder Plot. I have covered all the other games in this series so now it’s time for me to produce my usual report on both game and story. I’ll split the review into two halves so first up is a review of the game itself...

The Game

Oh dear. It’s been almost a whole year since the last Adventure Game (the Vashta Nerada based Christmas episode) and surely the time has been spent evaluating the series so far and devising ways to make the game more fun? Less... crap? No it has not.

You may not remember my previous grumbles about this series and the inherent problems I’ve had with the game mechanics, and the general competency of the design. Let me remind you of the ways in which previous Doctor Who Adventure Games have offended me:

1. Stealth sections. Bloody stealth. Doctor Who is not Solid Snake or Rikimaru, he’s the Doctor, a stumbling, loud, talky man. The Adventure Games love to include stealth sections that are usually too tough for kids and too frustrating/boring for manchildren like me.

2. Time limit finishes where precision and timed button presses are essential, neither of which are possible given that controlling the characters feels like driving a hovercraft full of eels through a pool of extra slippy custard.

3. Mini games that are boring and frustrating. The previous games decided to recreate the Doctor’s habit of bashing gadgets together out of bits of junk by forcing you to play tiresome min games, the worst being the steady hand game. The game that can be found at the fair where if you touch the wire with your metal loop there’s a loud buzzing noise and you lose. It is the worst game.

4. Lots of running down corridors. Okay, this is a Doctor Who tradition but it doesn’t mean that I want to spend my time up and down the same bloody sets like poor old Colin Baker in Mindwarp.

So after almost a year to clear up the mistakes in past games I was expecting an improvement, what I got instead was a neutered version of the same frustrating mess. The good news is that the mini games are infrequent and largely painless, the hateful wire game has gone and is replaced with a simple connect the shapes puzzle. It’s pretty easy and not frustrating – great for kids and good for someone who just wants to get through the story. So although the mini games are still there, they’re largely painless and irrelevant. Hurray. Still, it would be nice not to have them at all.

And that’s the only positive.

The stealth section is present again, only this time the setting appears to be the traditional computer game staple of a bloody sewer. Not only do you have to play through a risible stealth section (now with added stealth ‘kills’) but you have to do it in a series of brown corridors. Fun. The stealth section is also overlong and repeated twice. Plodding slowly behind dim-witted aliens does not make for excitement or tension, it fosters boredom.

The traditional adventure game puzzles are incredibly easy and come across as half hearted. The good news is that it’s almost impossible to get stuck as almost all the puzzles can be solved with the sonic screwdriver or the psychic paper. The bad news is that it removes any thought or challenge to the puzzles. You'll often find an item but then realise that it’s the solution to the puzzle you’re about to encounter in the same area. Again, good for young children, bad for anyone who wants to put their brain to use. Still, I did find it funny that over the course of the game Amy manages to make use of the various remnants of a Chinese meal she keeps in her pocket.

The animation is appalling, everyone runs like the T-1000 in Terminator 2 and the water effects are awful. The game looks like it was developed 10 years ago, if you play the game at the default Medium graphics quality then Rory is a nightmare creature - a being spawned from beyond with fronds for hair and black liquid eyes. If you want to change any of the graphics settings you have to close down the game. There is no option to restart, you have to close down and restart the game manually - the game does not prompt you to do this either. I would also like to mention the incredibly bizarre bug I encountered during installation where for some reason the installer would hang for 20 minutes and then commence installation. I wasn’t the only one to have this problem and it took a trip to the official site to figure out why the installer wasn’t working.

Rory would like you to join him... IN HELL.

The game itself is terrible, the novelty of playing as the Doctor, Amy, and Rory soon wears off and you find yourself wondering how much time you’ve wasted watching poorly implemented cutscenes and listening to poor voice acting. Again it seems that there is little direction for the actors as even the normally excellent series regulars sound flat and unconvincing.

These complaints are nothing I haven’t already mentioned in previous reviews and it seems these problems will never be resolved. This is a tragedy, there was a chance here to create something truly special for the Doctor Who audience but the ball was dropped, rolled down a hill, and landed in an open sewer.

The Story

Enough moaning about the game, what’s the story like?

It’s actually not bad once you get past the crappy game mechanics and the tedious running through dull corridors and city streets. The Doctor crashes his TARDIS into another ship after escaping a horde of angry medieval Chinese warriors that Amy and Rory had managed to annoy. 'Dimensional lesions' begin to appear in the TARDIS itself and the Doctor tracks more lesions to Earth. The TARDIS crash lands in 17th Century London on the 5th November 1605 and the Doctor and crew stumble across Guy Fawkes and his co conspirators, who are led by a strange woman with glowing green eyes...

It transpires that the Doctor crashed into a Rutan ship (Horror of Fang Rock) and stranded a crew of Rutans under the streets of 17th Century London. The Rutans want to blow up Parliament so that the explosion can propel their ship off Earth (yeah... what?). It’s not long before the Sontarans arrive to stop the Rutans and take the Rutan’s genocide device. It seems the Rutans were travelling to Sontar to destroy the Sontaran race with a viral bomb. The Sontarans want to get their hands on this bomb so they can reverse engineer it and use it to destroy the Rutan race.

After a lot of running up and down corridors and avoiding Rutan and Sontaran patrols, the Doctor saves Parliament by transporting it into space and recreating his anti-Dalek weapon from Remembrance of the Daleks and modifies it to fight off the Rutans.

Eventually the Doctor reverse engineers the bomb to destroy the Rutans and gives a spare bomb to the Sontarans so that both races have the power to wipe each other out. The aliens, having reached a stalemate, decide to leave Earth alone and continue their war elsewhere (or later on one side will probably steal the other side's bomb and then detonate the genocide device). The Doctor then returns Parliament to Earth and leaves Guy Fawkes to be captured by the authorities.

The problem with the story is that it is constantly interrupted by the game itself and by heavy handed educational dialogue. “Hello, my name is Guy Fawkes, my favourite colour is green and I had liver and onions for dinner. I hope to blow up Parliament with my barrels of gunpowder. I hope I don’t get caught because the punishment of the time is to be pecked to death by a duck.” This pretty much happens every time you speak to one of the conspirators. I love history and I’m always interested in the stories of historical figures but the presentation in this game is sorely lacking, it's like having a textbook read aloud to you.

I remember an old collectible series called Discovery that had a Guy Fawkes special, it had wonderful posters and educational facts and stories behind the Gunpowder Plot. Hanging those posters on my wall was more fun than playing this game.

The BBC has released some educational material for schools to go hand in hand with the game. I hope the kids have fun with the PDFs 'cos the game will bore them to tears.

Doctor Who - Shadows of the Vashta Nerada

Another Doctor Who adventure game has arrived. I've played it and I have my usual spattering of opinions so download it here. 

Feel free to play along or just read my recap if you want to know what happens.
 

What the hell have they done to Santa's nose?

The Game

Oh god. I really thought the games were improving but I was wrong. The previous episode, TARDIS, was short and very limited in scope but at least it didn't contain stealth sections. The dreaded stealth returns in this episode along with numerous corridors. The endless bloody corridors. Corridors you'll have to run along a lot. Just like part three or four of a six part Pertwee or Baker story when the writer really needs to pad the running time. Shadows plunges you straight into some really tedious corridor running and doesn't stop from beginning to end. This game is all about running along metal walkways and entering codes into doors. It's boring, it's terrible and I'm pretty sure most kids will hate it.

The puzzles are very easy in comparison to previous episodes (the 'hold-your-hand-steady-or-lose-all-your-progress' game is thankfully absent) but they are dull. The first set of puzzles involves memorising a keypad PIN number, which is pretty tedious once but is hellish when you have to perform this half a dozen times in a row. In between the keypad puzzles is a jog through endless corridors. Corridors. Corridors with a bit of sea outside. Corridors. Bloody corridors.

The corridors become even more nightmarish when combined with insta-death sections. Have you played Gears of War? Do you remember the level with the shadowy bat things that could kill you instantly if you stood in a dark patch for too long? Well they put that level in this game and it's even less fun. Thematically it matches the monsters involved but it's infuriating as hell. The first time it happened my computer lost the will to live and crashed to a blue screen. This was a relief.

Later on there's a couple of the obligatory stealth sections where you have to lure a monster into another part of the level so you can kill it with a button press. This was done in the first two games and it's still terrible. I understand that it's an attempt to replicate the clever methods in which the Doctor usually disposes of monsters but I wish the designers had come up with variations on the theme rather than the obvious re-use of the same situations and set pieces as previous episodes.

Finally, the plot is the very worst of base-under-siege stories from the Doctor Who annual of alien invasions. It's quite simply uninspired, it doesn't offer anything that hasn't already been done with the formula and it's dull. Even the characters seem to react with bored acceptance when one of their number is killed off (in an unintentionally funny cutscene). Also, nothing is made of the Christmas setting other than some dialogue at the beginning and end.

In short - No sir, I didn't like it.

These guys can be killed by a 100W lightbulb. Pfft.

The Story

Continuing from the previous episode, TARDIS, the Doctor has brought Amy to far future London, which is now underwater and under attack from a giant armoured shark. The shark attempts to destroy the corridors so the Doctor and Amy flee deeper into the complex where they eventually meet a hapless piece of monster fodder. It's not really worth noting his name as he soon dies during a cutscene when the Vashta Nerada eat him while the lights are off.

Yes the shadowy piranhas are back. I'm not quite sure how they reached the sealed environment of London or how they can live underwater though (aren't they forest dwelling creatures?). Still, familiar baddies with easily modeled character designs are back!

The Doctor is trapped in a Troughton style story as the underwater base is under siege by aliens and he has to deal with a vaguely defined plague (which doesn't seem to have any symptoms or ill effects on anyone). He also has to deal with a computer straight out of a 1960s special effect budget (complete with wonky computer voice and crap design).

The Doctor offers to help and restore power to the lights in the complex. He does this by running down corridors and pressing switches. It's all very exciting. Only it's not because he runs down the same corridors he ran down earlier only this time if he steps into the dark he will die. ONLY THIS IS BULLCRAP BECAUSE IMMEDIATELY AFTER AVOIDING THE DARK PATCHES OF DOOM, THE DOCTOR ENTERS A CUTSCENE SET IN A TOTALLY PITCH BLACK ROOM AND ISN'T INSTANTLY KILLED LIKE HE WOULD HAVE BEEN EARLIER. Ahem.

The Doctor restores the power after much heroic button clicking, logic puzzle solving and skeletons in diving suits avoiding. Amy helps a bit by being sent off on her own to do something incredibly dangerous while the Doctor presumably eats a jammie dodger and stares at a circuit board.

The Doctor heads back to the humans and formulates a cure for the plague that still doesn't seem to be hurting anyone. This involves running down corridors and entering keycodes. It is great fun. The Doctor finds some collectibles but sighs at the futility of a collection of things that can't be accessed outside of the game.

The humans are cured of whatever plague they had and one of them repays the Doctor by threatening him and tying him up. The Doctor leaves the humans (who are going to use the lifepods to escape but then inexplicably don't use them while the Doctor is cocking about elsewhere) and heads over to the wreckage of that ship that was in that movie, The Philadelphia Experiment.

The Doctor explores the wreckage and eventually seals the rift by running along some corridors and avoiding instant deathtraps. The surviving humans (all two of them) apologise for misbehaving and offer the Doctor and Amy a Christmas dinner of sea pumpkins. The Doctor and Amy leg it.

THE BLESSED END.

If you'd like to know what the other episodes in the series are like then please head over to:

Episode One: City of the Daleks
Episode Two: Blood of the Cybermen
Episode Three: TARDIS

Doctor Who - TARDIS

The new Doctor Who adventure game is here. Download and play along at home or just skip that and read my spoiler filled recap below. Whatever. I'm not your dad.

The Game

The greatest piece of news since the announcement of the Doctor Who adventure game series is, THERE ARE NO STEALTH SECTIONS IN THIS EPISODE. Hallelujah!

Phew.

So this instalment has removed the direst part of the previous games, does this mean that TARDIS is a bold new step forward? Uh, no. Sorry. The hateful minigames are still there, the drag-a-thing-through-the-maze-but-don't-touch-the-wires game is present along with a timed button pressing activity, which is made very frustrating when coupled with lousy character movement. The Doctor (as portrayed by Matt Smith) may move like a man piloted by an uncoordinated bag of epileptic hedgehogs but that's no reason to try and emulate it in the game. The Doctor moves with the soupy grace of a milk float in treacle when attempting to turn mid movement. This makes the final 60 second TARDIS piloting game annoying in the extreme.

Still, at least in this episode you get to explore the TARDIS. Great, eh? Imagine visiting all those mad, impossible rooms that must be contained within the time machine's many corridors. Well keep imagining because you won't see them in this game. This instalment was clearly created on a budget, there are only two rooms and the adversity is a glowing blob with a generic name, The Entity. I'm worried that for this instalment it seems the money has run out and there are still 3 more to come.

The voice acting is an improvement this time, I can only assume (because I haven't checked) that the script was performed in between filming of the regular series and the Christmas special. Matt Smith sounds much more comfortable and less sleepy this time around. Karen Gillen is much improved too, but to be honest she does sound a bit bored of things at times. It doesn't help that Amy is written as being unthinking and careless as she casually insults everything and everyone and vandalises the Doctor's drawing room.

Collectibles are in this episode too, they're not hard to find this time. I'd advise looking underneath the TARDIS controls and the stairs. And yes, none of them are exciting at all.

TARDIS is also very short. It took about an hour to play through, there isn't a whole lot of action and the tale is very simple. This game is more of an interlude rather than a full fledged episode.



The Story

The plot is thus, The Doctor and Amy are discussing holiday plans when the TARDIS goes a bit wrong and flushes the Doctor out into space. There's a prologue available online that explains why the TARDIS is misbehaving. I wonder why it wasn't created as a cutscene? I guess it was for budgetary reasons. The cost of some horse faced aliens and another voice actor probably being too much for what is a very small game.

Anyway, the Doctor is in space without a helmet! Calamity! The Doctor, via the gift of charades, tells Amy to extend the TARDIS field around him so he can breathe. Amy accomplishes by pressing red buttons. Go player one! The Doctor then tells Amy to construct a tractor beam by finding some old junk in the TARDIS Drawing Room. A room we have never heard of up until now but it has been there all along. Honest.

Amy ventures into the drawing room and finds various items from the Doctor's previous adventures; the fourth Doctor's scarf, the Fifth's cricket ball, a Cyberman breast plate, the fob watch from Human Nature, and a few other items of interest. There also seems to be a ye olde portrait of what appears to be Steven Moffat above the fireplace, the picture shows him holding a sonic screwdriver. Amy finds the Master's laser screwdriver and heads back to the console room. A vase is broken while she's in the room but she dismisses it because the plot demands she casually ignore it. A glowing orange vapour emerges from the vase...

Amy completes the laser screwdriver/tractor beam device and pulls the Doctor back into the TARDIS. Unfortunately there's another wobble from the TARDIS and Amy is catapulted into the future of the TARDIS where she's now trapped on her own.

The Doctor runs off to the drawing room to construct a techno babble device so he can save Amy. The Doctor tries to explore the TARDIS but is sent back to the console room if he tries going anywhere but the drawing room. There is also no corridor exploring animation during the journey to the drawing room. The player is disappointed.

The Doctor completes the device and sends a message to Amy in the future. Amy activates it but is attacked by the glowing blob that escaped from the vase as she reappears in the present TARDIS. The Doctor manages to cajole The Entity (the creature's name may as well have been Glowy Blob, it has more personality at least) back into a vase and then he releases The Entity into the time vortex where it can feed on the smaller creatures within.

The Doctor is then allowed to explore the TARDIS but he finds he can only really examine the console controls. The console gives detailed descriptions as to what each lever and button does. The player has the sinking feeling that he's going to have to remember this stuff...

The Doctor then decides everything is okay and he can begin another journey through time. The player then frustratedly attempts to pilot the TARDIS four times before finally getting the ship moving.

The Doctor takes Amy to London in the future where it has become an underwater city. Any chances of a relaxing holiday are ruined by a large, monstrous shark patrolling the waters...

Doctor Who - Blood of the Cybermen

The second Doctor Who Adventure Game is here. Go grab if you want to play along at home or skip to the story section of this piece if you're lazy (or don't own a PC) and just want to know what happens.

I found the first game to be a disappointment, both technically and storywise so I was hoping that the second game would be an improvement. Is it?

Yes, albeit only a slight improvement.

THE GAME

The corridors. The endless corridors. With an occasional small outside bit. Yes, the level design once again is rather limited. You will spend most of your time running and sneaking down endless corridors avoiding enemies and looking for collectibles and puzzles to solve. The stealth portions of the game are just as aggravating and tedious as in the first instalment and require split second timing in some sections. In fact I'm not sure that casual gamers or the very young are going to be able to progress past some parts of the game without help from a savvy gaming veteran.

The minigames are not quite as odious this time. Gone is the stupid hold-an-icon-steady-around-a-bit-of-wire game from the Dalek adventure, this time it is replaced with a match rotating coloured balls affair which is much less frustrating.

There is a strange platform crossing section early in the game which is bloody terrible. The Doctor has to cross moving blocks of ice and if his efforts are slightly mistimed he falls to his death. Unfortunately the Doctor's movement is not the most precise and he tends to stumble around and slide off the ice to his doom. Granted, the 11th Doctor is a somewhat clumsy and inelegant creature but when you apply this to an insta-death platforming section, it does not lead to fun times. It's like controlling a dodgem car greased with butter. On ice.

Once again the voice acting is dull and undersold in places. I think it may be a problem with the direction as Matt Smith and Karen Gillen seem to be struggling with the correct range that voice acting requires. Perhaps a few more takes would have done the trick? For all I know, the lines were recorded between episodes which would explain the tiredness in the principal actors' performances.

The collectibles are back and I found several flavours of jelly baby. The collectibles are still entirely unnecessary but fun if you like looking at unused publicity photos of characters and monsters.



THE STORY (SPOILERS ABOUND)

Again, I will start this section with a question - did you enjoy Tomb of the Cybermen? Do you think it would be better mashed up with The Tenth Planet and every space based Troughton cyberman story? You'd be (un)surprised to find that the result is not particularly satisfying.

The Doctor receives a distress beacon and lands the TARDIS in the Arctic. The Doctor rescues an archaeologist/engineer named Chisholm from an ice cave and discovers that Chisholm was attempting to flee his own Arctic survey team.

Amy helps by moaning. Amy is still dressed in a mini skirt and at no point changes into something warmer. Instead she spends her time complaining and generally showing up Classic Who companions Tegan and Peri in the whingeing stakes. It seems that Phil Ford is struggling to write dialogue for Amy that makes her a sassy and feisty companion without making her a bit of an irritating berk. And is it too much to ask the developers to give Amy Pond different outfits for each game?

The Doctor decides to investigate the digsite that Chisholm has fled from, despite Chisholm frantic pleading not to return him there. Upon arrival Chisholm is immediately attacked by a Cybermat. A Cybermat! Yes, it's the return of the silly metal rat things from the 60s. Amy makes an incredibly lame mousemat joke at this point. I sigh and want to slap Phil Ford for that one. This time the Cybermats have a poison bite that infects you with a nano virus that turns you into a Cyberslave. Poor Chisholm immediately runs off and isolates himself in a locked room to save the Doctor and Amy from being infected or attacked by him.

Unfortunately for the Doctor and Amy they soon discover what a Cyberslave is when they open the main complex door and are attacked by a Cyberman in a jumpsuit. Seems a Cyberslave gets partially converted via the magic of nanites. Amy disables the Cyberslave by venting some steam at it. Yeah, I don't know how that really works either.

Inside the research complex, the Doctor finds a professor who is attempting to develop a cure for Cyberslave-itis. The Doctor cheerfully informs her that it won't work until he gets a pure sample of nano-wotsits from a Cyberslave. The Doctor rigs up an EMP device to disable a nest of Cybermats and then Amy disables a Cyberman with a loose electric cable. Armed with the necessary components, the Doctor creates a cure by playing a quick minigame. The professor has vanished though...

The Doctor uses the cure on Chisholm (who has now become a messy fusion of Cyberman and human - a makeup effect that I would have liked to have seen on the TV for real) before heading to the digsite to locate the cybership lying beneath the ice.

It's at this point I get confused about the current incarnation of Cybermen. It seems they've been blended with original versions to once again become a spacefaring, time travelling race. They are now much more advanced than their humble beginnings in series two of New Who. It's a little confusing really and I wonder if their weakness to gold or the repeated shouting of "excellent!" is going to make a comeback next.

The Doctor spends a lot of time pressing buttons on lifts and avoiding Cybermen until he eventually reaches the control centre of the ship. It's at this point we find out that the professor was a Cyberslave all along. GASP. It was a trap laid for the Doctor to find the ship so he could finish waking up the Cybermen, because apparently the Cyber Leader couldn't figure this out for himself. The professor aimed the distress call at the TARDIS to lure him all the way to the ship. This doesn't explain why she was working on a cure for the Cyberslave condition or why the Cyberslaves and Cybermen were attempting to kill the Doctor if they needed him to free them. THIS MAKES MY HEAD HURT.

The Doctor manages to escape the clutches of the Cybermen and save Amy from cyber conversion. Chisholm makes an heroic comeback and destroys the Cyber Leader and then the Doctor sets the ship to self destruct and everyone makes a last second escape. Hurrah. The Doctor and Amy depart leaving Chisholm to explain to a rescue party exactly what went on...

Apart from the dumb plot twist toward the end, this was a solid enough story. It's nothing we haven't seen done before with the Cybermen and I don't think reintroducing the Cybermats is anything other than Classic Who fan service. Still, this game was more enjoyable than City of the Daleks and hopefully the games will continue to improve.

Now if only we could have a clever plot and a wander around the TARIDS next time...

Doctor Who - City of the Daleks

It's here! It's finally here! The Doctor Who PC game made by the BBC and given to the public for free. FREE! Now isn't the BBC brilliant?

Is the game equally brilliant?

Well, not quite. I'm going to split this post into two parts, I'll discuss the mechanics of the game itself and then I'll take a look at and describe the story for those of you who can't, or won't, play the game but want to know what happens.

THE GAME

Mechanically the Doctor Who Adventure Game is a mix of point and click adventure, stealth, and godawful mini games. It's a strange choice to include so much stealth in a Doctor Who game, the Doctor is not the most stealthy of characters and his usual approach to a new situation is to boldly walk in, start showing off, and talk at everyone. I can understand the need for stealth in this story though, I just hope that each episode doesn't include this episode's often tedious stealth sequences.

The game repeats the same formula throughout its act based structure - you will be presented with a problem to overcome (find a path through ruined London, construct a device, switch power back on, etc) and then you'll be forced to creep and run down corridors to achieve it. Yes, even in a computer game the Doctor is still forced to explore and run down endless corridors. Bloody things. The various problems and tasks are not too puzzling and everything that you can interact with is helpfully highlighted with a bright blue glow whenever you stand near. Unfortunately in order to resolve the Doctor's problems you'll have to sneak behind Daleks and play some awful mini games. The worst offender is the gadget creation game where you have to drag an icon around a maze whilst avoiding touching the electric walls. It's just like the game at the fair where you have to keep your hand steady and guide a metal loop around a wavy wire only much less fun and you don't win a stuffed animal.

During the course of saving Earth from the Daleks you can find collectible icons hidden around each level. Your reward is often a picture of an old character or monster accompanied by a brief summary of their appearances or abilities. The first Doctor collectible I found was Colin Baker with his multi coloured coat. That coat was something I did not want to see suddenly appear on my screen without warning. The collectibles seem to do nothing other than fuel whatever OCD game habits you might have.

The voice acting isn't great. I don't know when the lines were recorded in the filming schedule but Karen Gillen sounds tired and flat. Matt Smith tries to inject some energy into his performance but he sounds weary too. The performances also sound like they were recorded separately, especially as the sound quality seems to change from line to line. It's a shame that the performances couldn't give the game's plot the energy it sorely needs from its principal characters.

As a game City of the Daleks is disappointing, personally I think that a point and click Doctor Who game that focuses more on the adventure aspects would be more satisfying. The puzzles in City of the Daleks are never taxing enough to give you a sense of achievement once you've completed them. I'd prefer to see less stealth and more puzzle solving and interaction with other characters in game. There are some dialogue moments where you speak as the Doctor but it's merely a case of clicking on all the options until you've heard all the dialogue and the plot moves on. I'm interested to see if the balance of gameplay elements changes in the next episode.



THE STORY

Did you enjoy the Willaim Hartnell Doctor stories, The Daleks and Dalek Invasion of Earth? Would you like to see them combined into a less satisfying whole with a classic Who continuity reference?

Yes?

What's wrong with you?

Okay, here it is - the story isn't very good. Phil Ford has constructed a very basic plot for a game. It's so generic in structure that I wonder if the fact that he was writing for a game caused him to reduce the number of locations to make it easy for the developers.

The Doctor takes Amy to 1963 London to see the swinging sixties. Unfortunately the Doctor learns (by virtue of the most conveniently placed and unnecessary newspaper headline ever) that the Daleks have already visited and laid waste to the entire planet.



The Doctor and Amy soon see the last remaining human (a young woman still dressed immaculately during the alien apocalypse) being hunted by the racist pepper pots, so they decide to follow her into the subway. Unfortunately the Doctor and Amy manage to get the poor girl killed when she is forced to sacrifice herself to cover the Doctor and Amy's escape back to the TARDIS.

The Doctor decides to visit the Dalek's home planet of Skaro to find out how they have acquired the ability to change time and conquer planets so rapidly. Yes, Skaro is back and the Daleks have rebuilt their capital city, Kaalann. The Doctor is shocked to see that the Daleks have recovered so quickly from their previous dire straits so he creeps around the city attempting to find out what happened. At this point Amy starts to fade like Marty McFly in Back to the Future.

It seems that Amy has now become a paradox (she now won't be born as the Daleks have exterminated the human race) and she is disappearing from reality. Luckily for her the Doctor makes a magic bracelet that stops her from disappearing altogether. The Doctor mentions that the TARDIS protects its passengers from paradoxes but it can't protect Amy for long.

The Doctor eventually tires of sneaking around Skaro (at one point he sends Amy to do the sneaking to look for Dalek spare parts, despite the fact she could be erased from existence at any moment) and surrenders himself to the Daleks. The Daleks as ever, spend all of their time talking to the Doctor instead of exterminating him. The Doctor meets the new Emperor Dalek and asks him to explain his evil plan, which he gladly does.

The Daleks have harnessed the Eye of Harmony (last seen in Doctor Who The Unsuccessful US Pilot Episode, fact fans) and are now using it, much as the Timelords did, to travel through time and space. It seems that the Eye of Harmony is now called the Eye of Time and it's now a natural phenomena that can be caught and housed as the Timelords are now gone and the Eye was just floating around space waiting to be pinched. What? It's utter nonsense of course but it's a significantly dramatic McGuffin as the Eye of Time gives the Daleks the power to access, and invade, all of time and space.

The Doctor and Amy jump into the Eye (apparently that's perfectly fine despite it being essentially a wibbly wobbly black hole thing) and appear, rather conveniently on Skaro before the Daleks appeared and rebuilt everything. Why this convenient piece of time travel occurs, I'm not sure.

The Doctor uses the opportunity to sabotage the device that houses the Eye of Time so that when the Daleks chase him back through time he can release the Eye. The Daleks appear through the Eye on old Skaro and the Doctor destroys the Eye's housing. Then the Doctor jumps back into the Eye which delivers him back to the TARDIS. Everything the Daleks did has now been undone and 1963 London is back to normal.

Urgh. The magic reset button.

Only, this makes no sense and is now a giant paradox. Seriously, don't think about it or you'll go mad. Furthermore, what is preventing the Daleks from locating the Eye again and repeating the same thing?

Oh well, it was nice to see that the Daleks weren't defeated once and for all (for what would have been the 8723rd time) but I don't think anything in the TV show is ever going to reference the events of the game in any meaningful way.

Ultimately this game is a disappointment due to its shoddy story more than its gameplay failings. I can forgive shoddy mechanics as long as the plot is entertaining and intriguing but City of the Daleks fails at both elements. I still think it's fantastic that the BBC have devoted time and talent to this project (and it's still early days) but I hope that the games improve during the course of their run.

Game Review - Dragon Age (Late Impressions Edition)

Dragon Age is big. Really, hugely, massively big. Bigger than a big whale balanced on the shoulders of an even bigger whale who has put on some weight. This is a fantasy RPG that attempts to be every bit as epic as Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings and GRR Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire.

You take on the role of one of six origins, human noble, dwarf commoner, dwarf noble, city elf, Dalish elf, and finally, mage. Each origin has its own unique beginning to the game where you learn the ropes of combat and abilities whilst suffering some heart rending tragedy which forces you to leave home and join the Grey Wardens. The origin stories do a marvellous job of setting the scene and providing you with a unique political viewpoint of Ferelden. A human noble will have a very different view of the world to a Dalish elf, for example. The origins serve not only as a functional tutorial but also as a taster of the moral choices that you’ll be making later in the game.



Your character becomes a member of the Grey Wardens, an elite unit of warriors charged with saving the world (yes, just like the Spectres in Mass Effect.) It’s a trope that serves well within the setting and provides the impetus and motivation to save the world from the coming Blight. The Blight is an invasion of hideous monsters (the Darkspawn) that rise up from the subterranean depths of Ferelden (the fantasy land you inhabit) causing misery and destruction wherever they roam. The Blight is led by a demonically possessed dragon which must be put down in order to stop the rampaging Darkspawn army. In order to achieve this not insubstantial objective you’ll need to wander the length and breadth of Ferelden recruiting forces for your own army as you go.



Cue visits to remote locations such as an extensive underground dwarf city, a forest populated by elves and werewolves, remote castles and fortresses, and a sprawling capital city. The design of each zone is unique and contains some stunning views of the local landscape. It’s a pity that although attempts have been made to add unique wrinkles to each race and location, it’s pretty standard fantasy fare. Dwarfs live underground, elves live in forests, and humans live in vague approximations of medieval villages and cities. Dragon Age doesn’t try to subvert genre expectations; it creates a familiar but engrossing fantasy world and is largely successful.

Combat is tough, especially so if you choose not to include a mage in your four man party. Mages provide the usual assortment of ranged damage, healing, ability buffs, and crowd control. The robed spell flingers are absolutely essential to your progress through the many combats dotted throughout the game. It is essential that you use tactics if you play at the default difficulty setting, the game facilitates tactical thinking via its pause and play system which will be familiar to any players of previous Bioware RPGs such as Baldur’s Gate. For those who haven’t, you can pause combat at any time, issue commands to your party members and then unpause to see the results. Combat occurs in real time but can be paused at any point in order to issue commands. There is also a new tactics feature which allows you to set default behaviour and commands to your companions. Tired of manually activating all of your fighter’s abilities? You can use the tactics tool to set the character to switch on his abilities at the start of a fight, have him use a health potion when his health drops to a certain level, or give you a hug when the Darkspawn kill one of your loved ones. One word of warning though, ranged combat tactics seem to be hard to instil in your companions, they have a tendency to draw a blade as soon as anyone gets even slightly close, despite what you may have told them to do.



Alternatively, if you don’t want to play with combat tactics you can set the difficulty to Easy and breeze through fights with little effort. This may be an attractive option to some as the sheer amount of combat in some areas (especially toward the end of the game) can get a little tiring. It certainly doesn’t take anything away from the story if you decide to make things easy on yourself and reduce combat difficulty. If anything it’ll stop you from getting fatigued in some of the more combat heavy areas.

Dragon Age doesn’t have a morality system as such. This means that every quest involving a moral choice can be resolved without the game judging you by adding or docking points on a morality bar. However, this new freedom to make any decision without judgement is hampered by the reactions of your comrades. Some of your followers will approve of heavy handed tactics and harsh decisions whilst some prefer the softly, softly approach. Your decisions and dialogue choices will either improve or reduce your influence with your buddies. If you increase approval high enough, your pals will gain access to stat boosts and offer side quests. So far so good, but then the game introduces something that makes a mockery of inter party diplomacy – gifts. You see, your followers are very shallow, very shallow indeed. Did you offend someone in your group by constantly kicking puppies and thrashing peasants? Why not offer the offended party member a shiny bauble? They’ll instantly forget what a massive idiot you are. It’s a shame that the game works so hard to create relationships via dialogue options but cheapens it with this slightly ridiculous gift system.

Another thing that bugs me is why the hell do people drink poultices in this world? I guess Bioware wanted to use a different word than potion but they could have at least chosen a word that was accurate. You place a poultice on a wound, you don’t ingest it.

Minor carping aside, Dragon Age is a fantastic piece of work. I spent about 80 hours wandering around Ferelden and enjoyed pretty much every minute of it. This is the best fantasy RPG of recent years, and is sure to be regarded as a classic in future lists. I’m looking forward to how Bioware will develop the Dragon Age franchise, especially in light of the huge positive reaction to the RPG statistics lite approach of Mass Effect 2. Will a Dragon Age sequel retain its stat crunchiness or will it drop some of the stats and inventory management to become a more streamlined experience? Ultimately, I don’t care how many statistics are in my game as long as the high standard of roleplaying storytelling and decision making is retained. Dragon Age is the nerdier, acne ridden cousin of Mass Effect 2 but that doesn't make it any less remarkable and absorbing.

Oh, hey! The game only costs £14.99 at Play.com right now. Give it a try.

Game Review - Mass Effect 2 - Also Things What Happened In My Game

This is going to be a gushing review. Absolutely gushing. Sickeningly gushing. So gushing you'll wonder if you've come to the right blog. Look at the image above, it's pretty kick-ass and that's what Mass Effect 2 is all about - kick-ass moments. I'm not talking vacuous Michael Bay moments (although there are explosions and gunplay aplenty), I'm talking emotional, impactful, kick-ass moments. Moments that had me cheering one minute and cringing in anticipation the next. This is the thing, Mass Effect 2 is possibly one of the most engaging game narratives ever created. HYPERBOLE ENGINE ENGAGED.



Look above these words, it's Shepard in the Afterlife. He's obviously dead. OR IS HE?

Mass Effect 2 begins with a fantastic opening sequence. Part cut-scene and part interactive, the game opens with a bang and engages you emotionally from the outset and provides you with sufficient motivation for the rest of the game. After this introduction you can make changes to your Shepard if you've imported him/her from the first Mass Effect. You can then change class or alter your ugly face. I still have the PC that ran the original game and so my save game was still available but I understand that this may not be the case for most PC gamers, so I recommend this site if you want to import a Shepard close to your own experience.



I could waffle about the story but I don't want to spoil anything - well, apart from at the bottom of this post where I'll be throwing spoiler bombs around as I reminisce about my experiences in the game. The story is such a joy to experience fresh that I wouldn't wish to spoil anything for anyone. The main storyline focuses on Shepard's efforts to hire a Dirty Dozen-esque collection of space bastards in an effort to defeat a new, terrifying enemy. It's a story you can play through pretty quickly if you just want to recruit squad members and blast off into the unknown. But I don't think anyone would want to do that because each squad member has his/her/it own quests which are all engaging stories in their own right. As in the first game you can roam around your ship, The Normandy, and chat to your crewmates, each time revealing something about each character until eventually they'll ask for help in some serious matter they'd like to resolve. Even the sidequests are all different this time - gone are the cookie cutter space dungeons of the first game. This time sidequests all take in unique environments and include their own little narratives.

Conversations can be influenced by your rank in Paragon or Renegade alignment. As you make decisions in the game your Paragon and Renegade ratings will increase. It's up to you where most of the points will fall. I admit that I played as a Paragon Shepard but when I maxed out my Paragon rating I did start to choose Renegade options to spice things up. What makes the morality of Mass Effect great is that there is no black and white morality. Renegade Shepard wants to save the universe just as much as Paragon Shepard, it's just that the Renegade version acts like angry Jack Bauer at the beginning of season two of 24. A new feature in ME2 is the Paragon/Renegade actions that you can take during conversations. Paragon actions involve saving lives whereas Renegade actions involve sudden, hilarious violence. They're a fantastic addition to the Bioware school of conversation.



Combat is much, much better than in the first Mass Effect. Mass Effect 2 is now an efficient shooter that, for me, matches the twitch shooting thrills of Gears of War. The tropes of the third person shooter are present, chest high walls for cover, firefights in areas filled with said walls, enemies that dart between the walls, and melee enemies that induce terror because cover does absolutely no fucking good against them and OH MY GOD THEY'RE SCREAMING AND MOANING AS THEY APPROACH! GET THEM OFF ME! Sorry. To spice things up, you are now equipped with a host of powers, for example, Soldiers can slow down time to line up a perfect shot and have different ammunition types to suit any occasion. Other powers such as invisibility and telekinesis are available depending on which class you choose. Your squadmates are fairly competent as semi-autonomous allies. You won't need to frequently pause and issue commands as they'll generally go about the business of butchering your enemies with little input from you. They're even capable of using their powers without encouragement and spout one liners as they do so (Mordin has the best lines here).



So the story is all kinds of wonderful and the combat is greatly improved but what about the RPG elements? Well, they're downsized. But I would ask the question, "what do you consider to be RPG elements?" Because if you mean stats and numbers then that's roll playing and *role* playing. ME2 is a fantastic role playing game because it presents you with characters and decisions that are immersive and engaging - not because you're armed with a +5 shotgun. Think back to the first game, did you really enjoy managing your inventory? Do you miss sorting through tens of items, converting them to omni-gel and selling them to the crew member who refused to just give you stuff? The tedious number crunching is gone, now when you find a new, superior, weapon you just equip it. No fuss, you just do the sensible thing and pick it up. You no longer have to buy weapons and armour from one of your own crew, now you research better technologies and use elements hoovered up from nearby planets to fund the research. Once you've created the new item, it's available for use straight away. It's a lot less tedious and fits into the fiction of the universe.

Character progression is slightly simplified from the first game but is no less interesting. You will have only a handful of powers to choose from and only a certain number of points to spread amongst them. You can specialise some powers and will need to make the decision as to how you will focus your abilities. It's not dumbed-down, it's just more simple and elegant. Gone are the largely meaningless numbers and levels, now the numbers are crunched down into 4 levels of skill in each power.



I love this game. I think it can be completed in about 20 hours but I invested just under 50 because I didn't want to leave. The final hour of the game is thrilling and the decisions made will obviously cause repercussions in the third game. I can't wait to see what Shepard does next.

Okay under the load screen I will be discussing my experience in the game. DO NOT READ ON IF YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED THE GAME. I'm serious, people.


SPOILER TOWN


Oh man, that last mission.

I passed it with flying colours. Only I didn't. You see, nobody died on my team (because I am great) but my entire crew, including the cute and lovely Yeoman Kelly was pulped by the Collectors. I was horrified that my attempt to explore every square inch of the galaxy had led to the death of my favourite minor character. Dr Chakwas survived and she asked why I took so long. Commander Shepard gave some platitude about needing to be ready before going on the suicide mission but I knew the truth - I was dicking about looking for easy credits and XP that I didn't need. I've never felt so guilty in a game. What really killed me was my return to the Captain's Cabin after finishing the game and finding my fish tank full of dead fish. Fish that Kelly used to feed. *sob*

Bioware tricked me. Normally the plot will say that you only have 24 hours to save the universe but will then allow you to tit around to your heart's content. Only this time it doesn't apply, the longer you take, the more crew members die. I have since gone back and replayed the conclusion to the game and saved Kelly because I want her to appear in ME3. But man, that image of dead fish will haunt me for a while yet.

I also rejected Tali's romantic advances, and felt like an utter bastard. Her reply was along the lines of "Of course, why would you be interested." It broke my heart. Of course I was kind of interested but I'd already pimped Shepard out to Yvonne Strahovski. I mean, come on, it's Yvonne Strahovski! Tali's dejected response was heart breaking. But let's face it, I couldn't figure out how we'd get up to any inter species hanky panky anyway - Tali lives in a special suit which stops her from dying of the common cold. A romantic dalliance would be all kinds of unhygienic.

In one scene I took a Renegade action, thinking it would be oh so cool and hilarious. The only problem is that I felt like an utter dick afterwards. In one mission you encounter a few scared Salarian construction workers and one of them pulls a gun on you. The Renegade action button appeared and I duly pressed it thinking that Shepard would disarm the panicking alien. What he did was punch the scared guy out and then made a pithy comment. I was shocked. Shepard was acting like a big, dumb, jock, bully and I'd told him to do it. The other Salarians looked more frightened and worried than ever but unfortunately I couldn't select "Apologise profusely" as a conversation option. Man, I'm such a dick.

I didn't learn my lesson from the Salarian though, as later on in the game I wanted to extract some information from a young street hood called Mouse. Mouse was reluctant to give up some information on an assassination and when the Renegade option flashed up, I took it. I punched the poor kid in the face and threw him to the ground, he instantly gave up the information and I felt like a bully. This time there was an apology option but the kid brushed it off and limped away, blood covering his face. Man, I'm such a dick.

Those moments were depressing for me but one moment made up for it all. A moment that had me laughing like a mad man. I headbutted Worf in the face. Michael Dorn was moaning and talking smack, the Renegade option came up and I headbutted him. It was so unexpected, so brilliant that I couldn't believe what just happened. That memory more than makes up for all the poor decisions I made.

Game Review - Football Manager 2010

I hate West Ham. Virtual West Ham mind, not the real life club. They are my nemesis. Every time I’m drawn against them in a cup, I lose. If I play them in the league while on a good run of form, I lose. It’s maddening but I always say to myself, “next time, West Ham, next time.”

Football Manager 2010 fuels the fantasy that every football fan holds, that he/she is a motivational and tactical genius capable of winning trophies with any club, even Accrington Stanley. The romantic vision of prowling the touchline in a tracksuit whilst shouting at millionaires is alluring to almost every fan. Sports Interactive know this which is why they've even incorporated actual shouting into the game. Yes, SHOUTING. Sadly the shouts are not the same as the four letter curses I fling at my screen.



The latest version, FM2010, does have one major change that represents progress from the last incarnation – the new tactics screen. No longer do you have to fiddle with sliders in order to set just the right frequency of long balls, crosses or shots. Now you simply assign roles to your players. You choose a formation to suit; 4-4-2, 4-3-3, or 4-5-1 (if you’re some kind of beautiful game hating troglodyte.) Within that formation you select the role each player will take. Fullbacks, for example, can be assigned as purely defensive or attacking wingbacks that charge up and down the pitch. The new system then assigns the slider settings in the background so you don’t have to worry about number crunching in your tactic. The new system is a lot friendlier and encourages experimentation of your own rather than dashing off to certain Football Manager websites and hoping that a killer tactic has been posted which will do all the tedious slider work for you.



So the new tactics system is a winner, but what about the 3D match engine? The inclusion of 3D to the traditionally text based match engine was always a controversial topic amongst fans. This year’s iteration is an improvement on the ropey looking effort from last year. Players now have a wider variety of animations and the stadium has now been improved to include a crowd. The match engine still looks primitive but behind the 3D players is the same complex and rewarding simulation of matchday. And if you can't stand the 3D chaps then you can always go back to the old 2D engine with floating disc men.



The game provides a frankly ridiculous amount of statistics and numbers on almost every player on the entire planet. The research and care taken in accurately reproducing every league is obvious on each screen of endless, mind boggling statistics. Once you become a veteran player though, the information is rapidly consumed and processed via a mere glance. Before you reach that level of expertise there is a collection of backroom staff who can advise you on what tactics to use, who to buy, and how to train your squad. This is all very useful for new players and jaded veterans alike.

One major niggle I have with this new version is the new way in which news is presented to you. In an effort to scale back on the sheer amount of information given to the average manager there is a separate news page complete with filters. These filters are designed to reduce the amount of in game mail you receive and avoid filling your head with useless information on obscure events in the gameworld. It's a great idea in principle but it doesn't really work. The filter now hides a lot of information in its news section, including stories about your shortlisted transfer targets. This is news that should go straight to your inbox rather than on a different news page, buried under reams of less important info. Also, the game now seems to avoid informing you about job losses for other managers, maybe it doesn't want to demoralise you or have you worry for your own job safety, but I miss knowing when a manager of a major club has been shown the door (so I can then immediately jump into their shoes.)

Transfers are largely simple affairs of bidding and counterbidding but what does seem to have changed in this version is that players are a little more fickle about which clubs they'll play for. In my experience players don't always choose the most famous club or the one that offers the most money. Loans seem to have become an expensive habit now, I don't know if this is a real change in the actual football leagues but every club wants a cash sum up front before they'll lend you their inexperienced 18 year old striker or grizzled 35 year old goalkeeper. I've always thought loans were free deals where it was accepted that the club taking the loaned player would cover the wages. Not anymore it seems. This can make managing struggling lower division teams a struggle as you now have to scrape together the funds to afford the loan fee.

No other game is as adept at fashioning stories out of spreadsheets. Epic masterpieces are told via a collection of numbers and tables. Triumph, betrayal, friendship, incompetence, noble failure, mind games; they’re all there in the stats. This being the 21st Century Football Manager has attempted to sexify the stat lines with alluring features such as a 3D match engine, press conferences and flashy new skins. The attempted sexiness is unnecessary though; we play Football Manager for its intelligence and personality, not its looks.

Grumbles and niggles aside, FM2010 is still the same management sim that has built an empire. The game is still as accurate and enthralling as it has always been and the addiction can still take hold like an angry python. I've wasted so many days of my life on this game but the stories I could tell about European glory, last minute winners, and glorious defeats are all worth it. In fact I'm sure I can squeeze in a couple of games now. Excuse me...

Game Review - Batman: Arkham Asylum

Everyone knows Batman - you, your mum, your gran, even your hamster. The developers of Arkham Asylum know this and don't waste time attempting to introduce the brooding dark knight. From the very start Arkham Asylum draws you into its story via cutscenes, interactivity and stupendous voice acting from its principal cast.

The game begins at the end of one of Batman's off screen adventures, he's just captured the Joker and is once again taking the Clown Prince of Crime back to his comfy padded cell in the titular Arkham Asylum. Once the cutscene ends, you become Batman. You walk through the halls of the asylum, taking in the security arrangements and layout whilst chuckling to yourself at the Joker's deranged banter. It's not long before things go incredibly wrong and you find yourself trapped in the asylum with an army of thugs.

The true genius of this game is that it's not long before you realise that much like Rorschach in Watchmen, it's not you who is trapped with the thugs. It's the thugs that are trapped in with you. Batman has an arsenal of gadgets available to him and he can use these to terrorise the ever loving piss out of the bad guys. The game encourages you, via its array of gadgets and room layouts, to improvise whilst facing a room full of armed thugs. There is no right or wrong way to clear a room of ne'er do wells (apart from one frustrating instance) and discovering new ways of breaking limbs or rendering men unconscious is a delight. The most amusing method is the inverted takedown which allows you to swoop down from a gargoyle, grab a villain and then hang 'em upside down from the gargoyle for his friends to find. Hearing the frightened cries and worried challenges from the thugs is a joy as you consider your next move.



Combat is a smooth and enjoyable affair as it actually makes you feel like a hyper competent, millionaire, martial artist. It's a simple system, there are no complicated buttons combinations to be pressed, just a simple system of blocking and striking. Whenever a villain tries to take a swing at the pointy eared one, a warning flash appears above their head just beforehand. If you time your button press correctly then Batman will block the manoeuvre and deliver a punishing counter attack. The melee action feels smooth and looks well choreographed, in fact I'd say that the fisticuffs look more convincing than the action in Batman Begins. It makes you feel in control and powerful and you'll find yourself looking forward to facing increased odds in combat as you show off yet more combos and manoeuvres. Instant takedown moves are particularly satisfying as Batman unleashes bone crunching blows on his unlucky opponents.

Arkham Asylum rewards exploration too, there are many clues and trophies dotted around the asylum grounds and it's a genuinely rewarding experience to uncover them all. There is a degree of frustration at first as the game doesn't make it clear early on that some items cannot be reached because you lack the relevant equipment. You will have to backtrack if you want to uncover all of Arkham's secrets and this can be a little tedious once you've completed the main story. It does provide a reward in terms of extra snippets of story and is well worth the effort for the Bat fan.



Mark Hammill reprises his role as the Joker from Batman The Animated Series and he hasn't missed a beat in the decade or so since his last performance as the character. His Joker is funny and chilling at the same time, you'll find yourself laughing at the threats he delivers to his put upon minions and then find yourself shuddering as you realise the threats will be carried out with horrifying repercussions. Kevin Conroy also makes a very welcome return as Batman.

Batman: Arkham Asylum captures perfectly the atmosphere of the comic book and film incarnations of the characters involved. If you're a comic book fan then you'll delight in the many references to be found via the Riddlers clues. There are patient interview tapes to be found (ala Bioshock) which provide background and story elements for certain characters. It's clear that the developers have a lot of love for Batman's comic book world as no reference is too obscure to be included as an easter egg somewhere within the game.

Batman: AA is the greatest power trip since watching your parents die, becoming a millionaire, training with ninjas for years, and using your immense wealth and large armoury to assault the criminal underworld.

Game Review – Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of War 2

Dawn of War 2 (DoW2) is a strange beast; it’s a blend of Diablo and Company of Heroes (CoH) with lashings of the original Dawn of War (DoW). Gone is the base building and resource management of CoH and DoW and in are the colour coded collectible items (or ‘drops’) and character leveling from MMORPGs. Does this mash up of gaming styles work or is it a disgusting mix of milk and Coke?

This is my very simplified version of the game setup. I could mention the names of the factions involved but let’s face it, if you’re a Warhammer fan you already know and if you’re a newcomer I don’t want to overwhelm you with silly names. You play a Force Commander of the Space Marines. You spend your life flying from planet to planet killing aliens in the name of your boss, The Emperor. Aliens are currently invading your Chapter House planets (where you gather recruits) and it’s your job to boot them out of your sector of space. To help you achieve this you have several specialist squads armed with various weapons and abilities. The game usually involves crossing a map to combat the enemy and destroy a boss character. Along the way you can capture strategic points in order to respawn and heal your troops and give you bonuses for later missions.

For the most part DoW2 is a success but there are some annoyances that may grate after a while and some aspects of the game can be a little underwhelming. Allow me to break it down in my usual lazy Pros/Cons fashion:

Pros

It’s a pretty game. The troops are detailed, the environment and buildings explode in a satisfying fashion and the character designs are spot on.

It’s a game that can be played in small chunks. There are many missions and all of them are short, which means you can get a 20 minute fix if you’re strapped for time.

You can level up and improve your troop’s skills. Your troops improve after every battle which allows them to eventually unlock fearsome abilities such as teleportation, Terminator armour, and invisibility (to name a few). This means that your troops don’t stagnate and become even more effective as the game goes on.

The campaign is flexible. You can complete the mission in any order and there are plenty of ‘side’ missions to distract yourself with before you decide to complete the final mission (also the game warns you that it’s the final mission, allowing you to potter around a bit more if you’re not quite ready to finish the game.)

Loot. The game contains loot drops. Everyone loves loot, especially when it’s torn from the corpse of a dead Ork. The equipment varies in quality but they all offer bonuses to stats and whatnot like a regular RPG. Some Warhammer fans may hate this but I personally think that it’s a decent approximation of the tabletop game where commander characters are usually weighed down with ridiculous artifacts. Also, obsolete loot can be trashed for experience points, which is nice.

There’s a campaign co-op mode. I haven’t tried this yet but I heartily approve of co-op strategy/RPG titles (I especially can't wait for the Empire Total War patch that will allow multiplayer campaigns, but I digress).


Cons


The strategy element is rather basic. Due to a combination of map design and a cover system that doesn’t quite work, the strategy on offer isn’t very challenging. Most challenges are overcome by a combination of heavy weaponry and melee-death-from-above. Or you could be a sneaky git like me and use the Scouts to destroy everything before letting the other troops sweep up. Either way, there isn’t much variation. You certainly won’t be having the glorious battles that could be found in CoH and the original DoW.


The artillery bombardment power is rubbish. I love the artillery strikes in Company of Heroes, they were beautiful and horrible at the same time as troops and buildings were instantly ruined by explosive rounds, and I expected a similar devastating effect in DoW2. Unfortunately the artillery strikes do very little damage and don’t last very long. Rubbish. The Cyclone Missile Launcher and the Dreadnought’s Hellfire rounds do make up for some of this disappointment but it’s just not the same.

The Dreadnought unit is a pansy. In the original DoW the Dreadnought was a one man army, capable of singlehandedly ruining bases and slaughtering squads of Eldar. Now he’s a waddling machinegun emplacement or a lumbering melee troop that is outclassed by the Assault Squad. He doesn’t even have great dialogue like the originals. Boo hiss.

There are very few maps. You will become bored of playing the same layout over and over during the campaign. Whilst the campaign makes clear that you’re revisiting the same planets and sections thereof, it doesn’t make it any less boring. A few more maps would have helped to maintain long term interest here.

The boss fights. I think this is probably one of the most controversial aspects of the game; basically each level ends with a boss character, complete with a giant health bar, which you must defeat to complete the mission. The boss fights are challenging but it just seems so, well, WRONG. The boss fights lack personality and I found them to be very jarring in what is essentially a strategy title. Plus they were very repetitive; there isn’t much variation in their attacks or behaviour.

The installation process. I have already complained at length about this.

Overall

I enjoyed DoW2 but I wouldn’t go running back to it to play through the campaign again. There are certainly many positives and it’s an interesting experiment in fusing the world of RTS and RPG but I think it ultimately suffers from trying to be two things. This could almost be a casual version of a strategy title or a sampling of the RTS experience without the fiddly base building and resource management bits. This could entice an audience that the original DoW didn’t have and I’m intrigued as to how well this title will do in the long term. I’ll certainly be watching for news of expansions or mission packs with great interest. If you’re a fan of Diablo or Titan Quest then you may want to give this a try even if you don’t usually enjoy strategy titles.

Arbitrary Score Out Of 10: 7.5

Further Adventures With Installation

This rant about Empire Total War is very similar to the Dawn Of War 2 one I posted two weeks ago except this time I was confused by terminology. Was it my fault or the fault of the menu screen? You decide!


Steps to install Empire Total War:

1. Receive Special Edition box and realise that it’s not shaped like a mighty battleship or a tri-cornered hat.
2. Stifle disappointment and insert the first disc while wondering what constitutes a Special Edition other than a box that feels a bit like parchment and some extra troop content. Remember that the Medieval Total War 2 box included a small metal knight and a soundtrack CD, which was much better.
3. Remember that you never did finish that campaign against the French or finished subjugating the Americas.
4. Remember that in fact, you’ve never completed a Total War campaign. Wonder why that is and then notice a new Tweet on Twitter…
5. After an hour of roaming the internet, realize that your attention span is a lot shorter than it used to… Hey! A squirrel.
6. Finally get around to inserting the disc.
7. A setup screen appears where it presents several options:



8. Hmmm, this is confusing. Select Play as the other option is Reinstall and you guess that would probably just reinstall Steam.
9. The Play option helpfully sends you to the game’s page in Steam where it suggests you purchase it for £34.99. Swear at Steam as you already own the game.
10. Explore the disc for a setup icon. Click on the icon and discover that it just takes you back to the original menu.
11. Sigh and click Reinstall.
12. Witness messages that indicate that it is reinstalling Steam. Use Task Manager to stop the process as you really don’t want to reinstall Steam.
13. Look at your Games List in Steam and see that Empire Total War hasn’t magically appeared.
14. Have a brief flash of inspiration as you decide to refer to your Play.com pre-order bonus email and see what that says.
15. The email points you in the direction of the Activation button on the Games List within Steam that you’d never noticed before.
16. Enter the code from your copy of Empire Total War.
17. Sigh as Steam now tries to download a copy, which at your connection speed will take approximately 3 Ice Ages.
18. Pause the download and become confused and frustrated like an elderly escapee from a residential home.
19. Insert the disc again to get to the menu and select Reinstall having resigned yourself to reinstalling Steam in the vain hope that this will work.
20. Watch as Steam isn’t reinstalled but instead marvel as Steam finally acknowledges the game files and begins to install.
21. Look at the time remaining on the installation and discover that it will take 25 minutes.
22. Think back to your days as a Spectrum owner and wonder if there were any games that took 25 minutes to load back then.
23. Feel somewhat stupid for not selecting Reinstall in the first place which would have saved you 15 minutes of frustration and a lengthy blog post about your own confused, muddled thinking.

So was it just me or was anyone else flummoxed? Why did the setup menu offer to let you play the game before it was installed? Why use the term Reinstall? Is this all an indication that I’m becoming a befuddled old man or has PC game installation become a dark art again?

Your thoughts…