Lights

October 31, 2011

I want to write a blog entry that is brimming with positivity.

One that will, cheesy as it may sound, brighten someone's day. Or night. Make it radiant enough to inspire that person to share even the softest of its embers to another. Kindling the tiniest of flickers that can quickly turn ablaze. In turn sparking a chain of brilliance radiating from that single entry.

Then maybe even just a glimmer of such brightness would find its way back to me.

Before long I'll be floating in a sea of lights, much like today in this park. But even their radiance won't dispel all the shadows, much less those growing within me. And beyond the food, drink, music and festive mood, the smoke from the flames makes my eyes water. My chest starts to heave, and I steady myself against a slab of marble.

I flew in this weekend, and I am again... home. But for the first time in years, it doesn't feel like it.

photo from here

Crimson Wings

I lay face down. Unmoving. My eyelids fluttered. Trying yet failing to shield my eyes, as they gradually turned glassy. My mouth twitched. The caked spittle around it cracked. The corners somewhat curled up on the verge of a smile. As I slowly bled out on the canvas.

It soaked up the spilled color, more vibrant as I faded. Quickly filling the blank space in strong, angry brush strokes. From where I lay, I stared at the Rorschach as it bloomed. It seemed random. Devoid of meaning. As senseless as this scene.

The crimson crept and unfurled into wings that sprung from behind me. I felt light. Free. Then there was a light knocking. The sound of wood on wood pulled me back. It tiptoed around and stopped before me. Heels. Polished patina. Ruby. I remember we got them on sale.

Then I wet myself.

photo from here

Bloom

I never liked flowers. The smell always reminds me of sickness and death. Pretty bouquets with their get well soon cards. Over the top arrangements and their condolences. They never really heal the sick. They never really dull the pain.

The mishmash of scents makes my stomach queasy. The same feeling I get with the antiseptic smell of hospital emergency rooms. Where there are bouquets of roses, orchids, stargazers or what have you, I always expect a bright copper coffin nearby.

But I like the single white rose that they gave me. The whiteness blocks everything, and I am finally alone. To talk. Mostly to myself, while the lone bloom listens. And when everyone released their balloons, white against the blue sky, I finally let go of my rose and its silent message into the bright copper below.

photo from here

Coming Home

I just sat there, picking at my food, wine untouched. It was another despedida, the fourth one this month. We could barely fill the same table we usually occupy. I always knew it would come to this. We often spoke of going back someday.

The ones leaving have a peaceful aura about them. Well, who wouldn't? They were finally going home. The others shared a wistful look. Soon, it will be their turn. Sensing the absence of longing in me, a couple asked when I intend to go back. I just shrugged and smiled.

I downed my drink and looked at my friends, my extended family these past years. It pains me not to be able to tell them. About my partner. That he is from here. And that I am home.

photo from here

Take Two

A female friend called. I expected another drawn out discussion on her turbulent lovelife and decided to blog while she spoke. My fingers worked the keyboard, as I recalled the content of an unposted blog entry. Words quickly filled the screen, forming a hastily typed up replica of its original, still lost in the bowels of Blogger's repository.

I scanned the reconstructed post. It resembled the previous entry closely enough, but I couldn't commit to publishing it. Maybe I saw it as a poor copy of the original. Or the sentimental side of me stubbornly thought that nothing would ever compare with the first.

Perhaps not everything deserves a second chance. Its moment has passed, emotions have dissipated. It read familiar yet fell short, and with a click of a mouse, I dumped the entry in the bin. As I started afresh, I began dispensing over the phone relationship advice on how my friend can move on from her first.

photo from here

Magkano

Para sa akin, lahat ng bagay ay may halaga. At ang bawat halaga ay may katapat ding presyo. Hindi lang ang mga tradisyonal na nabibiling mga bagay, kundi pati ang mga pinahahalagan ng bawat isa sa atin. Ang ating mga pinakaiingatan, pisikal man o hindi.

Sa EDSA lang, marami kang madadaanang karatula ng mga inalalakong bagay. Bagong katawan, kagandahan, pagkabata. Makinig ka ng balita't nariyan ang hustisya, dangal, tiwala. Depende sa iyong hinahanap, marami ring lugar ang pwedeng puntahan upang bumili ng aliw, kaligayan, at kung minsan, pag-ibig.

Minsan ka na sigurong natanong nang pabiro kung magkano ang ibabayad sa iyo para gawin ang isang bagay na hindi mo gusto. Halikan yung pangit sa kanto, siyotain ang ayaw mo, magpatira. Pag mahirap, mataas ang ipipresyo. Minsan hindi pera ang katapat, tulad ng pag-ako ng karamdaman ng taong mahal mo.

Pero nagulat pa rin ako nang iyong ipagkanulo ang ating pagkakaibigan, ang ating pagiging magkapatid. Ilang beses ko mang timbanging. Ulit-ulitin ko mang kiluhin. Kailanma'y hindi ko inakalang sampu-singko lang pala ang tingin mo sa atin.

At naghahanap ka pa ng sukli.

photo from here

Binati

Ito ang gusto kong sabihin sa kanya noon:

Nang kita'y aking awitan ng mali-maling lyrics sa sintunado kong boses, narinig mo rin kaya ang lungkot sa aking tinig. Nang mahimbing na ang iyong tulog at nagsimula ang iyong paghilik, naramdaman mo pa kaya ang pag-akap ko sa iyo nang mas mahigpit. 
Kung di ko pinatay ang ilaw nang tayo ay magtalik, nakita mo rin kaya sa aking mukha ang higit ko pang pagsisikap. Nang di kita pigilan noong ikaw ay magpaalam at pinilit kong ngumiti nang di ka magdamdam, nalaman mo pa kaya kung gaano ako nasaktan.

Isa ako sa mga taong hindi nawawala ang pagmamahal sa bawat taong naging malaking bahagi ng aking buhay. Kahit naging masakit sa akin na iniwan niya ako, kahit taon na ang lumipas, mahal ko pa rin siya.

Hindi naman siguro pagkakasala sa aking asawa. Baka nga hindi pagmamahal ang dapat itawag dito. Maaring ihambing siguro sa nararamdaman ng kilala kong nabaldado - ang anino ng dating naging bahagi ng kaniyang kabuuan. Kahit wala na ito, minsan ay nagpaparamdam. May kati, may kirot.

Anino na nga lang ito. Minsang nililingon, at napapangiti. Wala na ang pait, at pareho kaming nagmahal nang muli. Ngayon, gusto ko na lang iparating sa kanyang kaarawan ang maligayang pagbati.

photo credit: oneasianworld.com

Apocalypse

It was quiet. Maybe for a few seconds before the low humming started. And then the building let out a deep groan and everything started to convulse. Cracks appeared and quickly spread across the large glass panels, which then exploded into a hailstorm of shrapnel.

The incessant drone of the alarm interspersed with panicked screams. Everyone was on all fours, assaulted by undulating ripples on the floor. We watched as the chandelier swayed wildly like a pendulum counting down to apocalypse. And then everything went dark.

We clung to the carpet as the world gradually regained it's balance. The ground may have stopped shaking, but we could not. We followed the lighted signs out of the potential death trap, and the cold spring air and muted sunshine eased the claustrophobic feeling that was suffocating us.

The alarms continued blaring, but there was relief on the faces of the crowd on the street. Then a shroud of panic descended on everyone as realization set in. Worried voices competed with the drone of the speakers, but with our rudimentary local language skills, we could not understand a thing.

Until we heard a familiar word.

Tsunami.


Based on accounts, not personal experience. Glad to have finally confirmed that my partner's family and my friends in the affected areas are safe. Prayers for the country and its people.


photo credit: twitpic.com/48dazv
      

Paghihiganti

We were raised to forgive those who have done us wrong. So when Jeff left me for Noli (click link for story), I tried to forge a friendship with both of them. But it's hard to remain gracious, particularly when the pain is still there. The bile slowly creeps its way up, and all you can think about is the sweet taste of revenge to rid yourself of all the bitterness.

We were having lunch at Robinson's, where Jeff was meeting a client to visit a housing project in Laguna. He suggested for Noli to keep me company, and we'd meet up with him later in the afternoon. After Jeff left, I told Noli that I was tired, wanted to catch a quick nap at home, but he was welcome to hang out, if he wanted.

A few minutes later, I was in bed in my boxers. I told Noli that he was free to join me if he was tired and closed my eyes. I felt the cushion give way as he slowly crawled in from the other side. I had both hands behind my head, chest and biceps still tense from the previous day's workout, legs slightly apart. They were an eternity apart, but the sounds of compressed bed springs came closer until his breath was upon me.

"Pu! Tang! Ih! Nah! Niyo!" I screamed over and over in my head. One syllable for each thrust. I never cry during sex, but that time, I was overcome with emotion. Then his phone rang. Nobody stopped to pick it up. Then mine rang. A few more rings and we were done. "Sunduin na natin siya," I told Noli, avoiding his eyes. We quietly dressed and went back for Jeff.

Jeff's hands were clenched. He was trembling. No words were spoken, but he knew. It wasn't the tears, but what I read in his eyes that crushed me. The pain he felt wasn't only for Noli and him. It was also for letting me go before, for giving me up.

I ran away from both of them, and locked myself in one of the rest room cubicles. Bile and pieces of chicken and rice were climbing up my throat. I vomited into the toilet bowl, and I retched some more, until I had nothing left inside. Except for that empty, hollow feeling that you get after having your fill of revenge.

(P.S. Jeff and I have since forgiven each other, and we remain friends. Jeff and Noli have decided to go separate ways after a year together. I have not seen Noli since the incident.)

photo credit : iamkoream.com
    

The Color Of Our Collar

I just heard that a straight friend of mine is now in a domestic partnership. He's the deputy head of a firm, while she is/was a stripper. Do they have a future? Out of political correctness, I should say that one's social status shouldn't be an issue. I am not a skeptic, but I am concerned. He had a previous nervous breakdown due to a failed relationship and probably won't survive another one.

Is it truly possible for people from different worlds to sustain a long-term relationship? I was once a romantic. I used to believe that as long as two people were in love, it wouldn't matter if they came from different backgrounds. But oftentimes, things look better from afar.

I met Jeff in Starmall. He was moreno, cute, and had a nice smile. He was a merchandiser in a department store, and moonlighted as a real estate agent for a low-cost housing project in his free time. Typical story - we met, he invited me to dinner, and we fell for each other.

We always stayed in his boarding house in Sampaloc. We shared meals in the carinderias that flourished in the area. We would have drinks in places that looked more like sari-sari stores. It was a simple life, and we were happy. Until I started sharing more of myself, my life, with him.

One day he picked me up at work, and he quietly said he was not comfortable around people in ties or barongs. I quickly took mine off. I brought him to my flat, which was small and simply decorated, but had a spectacular view. He smiled as he looked out the window, but there was a sadness in his eyes. Even the sex was different. It felt stiff, cursory.

Something intangible was suddenly yet firmly wedged between us. For months I desperately tried to reach out and bridge the widening gap, but he wouldn't reach back. I didn't know the reason, until he said, "Sean, sorry pero may nakilala ako. Merchandiser din siya. Mas bagay kami sa isa't isa." (How I got back at him will be for another entry.)

I was heartbroken and blamed myself for what happened. But looking back, is it possible that the gap was there all along, and we simply chose to ignore it at first? I hope that my experience was only one of a few unfortunate ones, but can love really transcend differences between people? I don't know the answer, but for my friend and his partner, I wish that they will have more faith that it can.

photo credit : famewatcher.com
 

X

Naging kaibigan mo ba ang mga ex mo? Ako oo. Lahat. Kahit gaano pa naging kasama ang aming paghihiwalay.

Maliban sa isa.

Minsan, nagkikita pa rin kami ng aking mga ex. Siyempre sa umpisa medyo awkward, pero likas naman akong magaling makisama. Mabilis kong nahuhuli kung saan at paano ako lulugar. Hindi na asawa. Hindi rin boyfriend. Hindi pa kaibigan, pero doon mas malapit. Bago pa man din magpaalaman, para na kaming mag-BFF. Wala na ring kurot sa puso. Sa singit, kaunti na lang.

Maliban nga dun sa isa.

Oo, siya ang umiwan sa akin, pero ganun din naman yung sa iba. Akala ko noon, siya nang talaga. Sa kaniya, hindi ko hinangad na maging normal dahil kung ano kami noon, alam kong hindi ito maaaring matawag na masama, pangit o bawal. Hindi ko pa rin alam hanggang ngayon kung bakit, pero basta isang araw, biglang ayaw na lang niya. Kahit nang siya'y lumayo at nangibang bansa, di pa rin ako makapag-move on.

Nag-email yung kaibigan namin sa California at ibinalitang nagkasama daw sila sa isang party. May kasama pang link sa YouTube. Nag-atubili akong i-click yung link. Inihanda ko ang sarili sa inaasahang muling pagbukas ng napakalalim na sugat, paglagaslas ng di-mapigilang mga luha, at muling pagkaguho ng aking mundo. (Para sigurado, ipinatago ko muna sa kapitbahay ang mga matatalas at nakalalasong bagay na nakakalat sa bahay.)

*click*

Kumakanta siya. Masaya. Gwapo pa rin.

At walang pasabi-sabi, pagkatapos ng napakahabang panahon, biglang dumating ang masakit na






*Kurot*



photo credit : fitness.bf-1.com
    

Hele Kay Bunso

Abala si nanay sa pagliligpit ng iyong mga gamit.
Di siya matapus-tapos sa pagtiklop ng iyong damit.
Nakasalansan na nang maayos ang mga lata ng gatas.
Ang mga bote at tsupon ay pulos bagong hugas.

Tulog na bunso, andito lang ako.
Umidlip nang mahimbing dito sa tabi ko.

Dumating na si tatay galing sa trabaho.
Sumaglit lang sa labas upang manigarilyo.
Sina ate at kuya, pinasundo na kina lolo.
Maya-maya lamang, darating na rin dito.

Tulog na bunso, andito lang ako.
Umidlip nang mahimbing dito sa tabi ko.

Naku ilang araw na lang at birthday mo na.
Ni regalo kong pamasko, di mo pa nakikita.
Kahon pa lang nito, malaki pa sa iyo.
Naghihintay na lang na ito'y buksan mo.

Tulog na bunso, andito lang ako.
Umidlip nang mahimbing dito sa tabi ko.

Huwag ka nang umiyak, tahan na, tahan na.
Aalis na ng ospital, tayo ay uuwi na.
Huwag ka nang umiyak, Sean, kahit tayo'y kanyang iniwan.
Mahimbing na si bunso, di na siya nahihirapan.

Tulog na bunso, andito lang ako.
Umidlip nang mahimbing dito sa tabi ko.

photo credit : nationwideeggdonation.com
    

Sa Isang Tingin

Lumingon siya sa akin, at ako sa kaniya. Isang tingin lang, basa na agad namin ang nasa isip ng isa. Gimik mamaya. Inuman.

Kasamahan ko siya sa dating trabaho. Una kong pinasukan, ikailan na niya. Matalik kaming magkaibigan noon. Mabait siya. Masaya kasama. Di mo kami mapaghiwalay. Para kaming mag-kuya.

Nakipag-inuman kami sa bahay ng isang kaibigan. Isa siya sa mga nalasing. Inaya ng may-ari na matulog na lang sa bahay ang mga may tama para iwas sa aksidente. Nagpasama siyang maiwan. Nagpaunlak ako.

Dalawa kami sa isang kwarto, nakahiga sa isang kama. Umiiyak siya.

"Bakit?" kako. "Anong nangyari?" Idinantay ko ang kaniyang mukha sa aking dibdib upang siya'y patahanin.

"Sorry..." ang tangi niyang isinagot. "Sorry... Sorry..."

Mapusok niyang hinalikan ang aking dibdib. Pababa. Habang umiiyak at binabanggit nang paulit-ulit ang parehong mga kataga.

Kumapit ako sa kaniya. Sa aming pagkakaibigang mabilis na kumakawala. Ayokong may magbago, ayoko siyang mawala. Sa aking takot, ako'y pumikit... at nagpaubaya.

Nakahiga kami at parehong nakatingala sa kisame. Parehong nakikiramdam. Siya ang bumasag sa katahimikan.

"Sean, sorry... Sorry talaga... Magkaibigan pa rin tayo ha..."

Lumingon siya sa akin, at ako sa kaniya. At doon ako humagulgol. Dahil iba na ang aking basa sa kaniyang mga mata.

photo credit : steelcloset.com