Dr. Tom

This morning I went to the dentist. Believe it or not, this was a welcomed trip. I've had a killer toothache for the past couple of weeks and I've been dying to get it checked out. Plus, Dr. Tom doesn't skimp on the gas, so I was excited to have an "uplifting" morning.

After checking out my mouth, Dr. Tom gives it to me straight: "You may need a root canal."

Wait! What??? Rewind it back!

"You may need a root canal," said Dr. Tom.

"Uh, 'may' as in, not required?" said the high-as-a-kite Me.

"Well, it could just be a bad filling that's rubbing up against the nerve. If so, we'll just have to redo it. But if that's not the case, then yeah. You'll need a root canal. Either that or we pull your tooth. Good news is, this is one I can do myself. Usually we send out for root canals, but I can do this one, if need be.

TIME OUT AGAIN!!!!

Did you just say that it's either root canal or pull the thing out?!? Do I not get a say in this? Don't I have any other options? Shoot, I'd even take a cavity at this point, but a root canal? And the fact that you can do the root canal yourself instead of sending me to an independent contractor is somehow supposed to make the whole situation ok???

All I know is that if Dr. Tom thinks he's doing a root canal on these bicuspids, then he'd better crank that gas up full blast and give me a triple shot of Novocain with a side of Percocets. Homey don't play that.

Now gone make it clap!

So your child can count to 10 and name all the shapes? Oh, that's nice.

My daughter and nephew can booty pop!!!

And for the record, they were really dancing to Soulja Boy.

Warranty

Please tell my why our new car already needs the battery replaced? Granted, our car was pre-owned, but still! It's a certified pre-owned vehicle. Cert-i-fied. Doesn't that mean the dealership inspected it, serviced it, and sprinkled it with love before giving it their BMW stamp of approval?

We've had this car for what, like 4 months? WTF?? 

Hypocrites

Don't alienate yourself and exclude everyone from your own private club and then get your panties in a wad when I don't include you on my agenda. Don't talk crap and then get upset when someone talks crap about you and points out your own malevolent behavior. Quit blaming everyone else and playing the victim. Stop manipulating other people and making yourself out to be the martyr. Get over yourself and grow up.

None of us are innocent.

Random Thoughts About Last Night's VMA's

• Taylor Swift is darling





• Kanye West is an über doucher and people need to quit giving that man an microphone
  
  



• Russel Brand should never be asked to host anything ever again
  
  



• Beyonce absolutely KILLED her "Single Ladies" performance





• Taylor Lautner should have taken off his shirt
  
  



• I'm still not convinced that Muse is that awesome





• I'm wondering what happened to Alicia Keys other earring





• Janet, dancing in synch with MJ, was a fabulous tribute performance





• Pink is a Cirque du Soleil fan

• Though New Moon was the most boring book of the saga, the trailer almost compelled me to preorder my matinee tickets on Fandango





• I was surprised to see Ms. Meadow Soprano all grown up





• Why the hell is Kristin Cavalleri even famous?





• Cyndi Lauper's cameo was priceless





• I think Eminem was just as shocked as I was that he won

• Lady Gaga...not even gonna comment

House of Death

It all began about 2 days ago. Lollipoppers was acting really cranky and being pretty clingy. After shooing her away for the billionth time, I turn to her just in time to see her vomitting all over the kitchen floor.

I went to work later that day and came home to a frantic husband. Lolli had spent the entire day throwing up in her room. We thought that maybe it was just the dairy getting to her, so we switched her bottles to juice. Nope. Not just the dairy. This little girl was full on sick.

Luckily, she had a doctor's appointment the next day, and Doc checked her out and said she definitely had the flu but was on the mend. Pumping her full of Pedialyte and saltine crackers, we were finally able to get Baby back to her normal, silly self.

Nonetheless, that was not the end of the vomit.

Last night, I started getting the body aches and pains. At about 9pm, I decided to call it a night since my tummy started getting a bit queasy, too. So, Lolli and I curl up in bed and wait for Daddy to get home from class to snuggle us. Next thing I know, I'm hugging porcelain, spewing Hawaiian pizza and cupcakes into the toilet bowl. I finally make it back to bed only to be running back to the bathroom with an explosion coming out the other end!

And it gets worse: Ryan has come down with it, too. In his own words via his Facebook status,

"There's something incredibly humbling about being in full embace with the toilet bowl you were just sitting on, now violently throwing up uncontrolably through the mouth and nose."

Now brothers and sisters, there's nothing funny about the puke 'n' duke. While you may find our pain and suffering amusing, try spending the night blasting ham and pineapple out your butt hole in to the toilet and simultaneously hurling red velvet cupcakes into the bathtub. It ain't no laughing matter.

Viewer Discretion is Advised

From the beginning, I was never an Obama supporter. I hate him. But I don't really know much about politics, and I don't care to really get involved. What I do know is that I'm tired of the stupid Democratic vs. Republican game that seems to take precedence over actually supporting our country and protecting our freedoms as Americans.

Listening to KSL this past week, I became frustrated by the idiot conservatives and their ignorance and self-righteousness.

President Obama gave a motivational speech to school children, encouraging them to further their education. Therefore, some local schools thought it appropriate to broadcast the speech in the classroom for their students to watch.

Well, according to reports on KSL, some parents and teachers didn't take too kindly to that idea.

"...strong protests before the speech led some school districts in Utah...to decline showing it to school kids. Other districts required permission slips from parents."

So, does that mean from here on out, your children will need to get a permission slip signed every time they want to enjoy a freedom passed in congress by President Obama? I don't get it.

As an American citizen, it should be a no brainer to respect the Office of the President of the United States. You don't necessarily have to support the man who happens to take up office, but at least respect the fact that you live in the US and you will support your American president.

Get over yourselves, Republicans. Quit whining. George W. Bush was no golden boy.

And Democrats? Stop being so elitest. Try some humble pie. He's a public servant, not a celebrity.

Scrapbook Destruction

I swore that I'd never ever start scrapbooking for as long as I live. As mentioned before, I am wholly and completely non-crafty. But most importantly, I never wanted to get into scrapbooking because if I did, it would serve as proof that I had fully succumb to all the cheesiness of Utah.

Alas, I finally broke down and did it. My cousin just made it too easy. She has all the paper, the double-sided adhesive dots, embellishments, stickers, and stamps. She even has a Cricut.

So after successfully completing my very first scrapbook page last night, I got the itch. I wanted to keep going. All it took was that first one. Now that I know I can do it, I no longer feel overwhelmed or creatively-challenge. So to feed this new found addiction, I went over to my cousin's again today to try for page number 2.

I'm sitting in the the middle of the floor amid a spray of paper and pictures. Though, I'm not making much progress cuz Lil Miss Lollipop is wreaking havoc with all the scrapbooking supplies. She's getting sticky fingers all over my photos, sucking on glue sticks, and wielding scissors. I'm about to lose it.

Instead of drop kicking her across the room, I take her by the shoulders, look her square in the eyes and say:

"I'm trying to do something constructive and you're being destructive. "

With inflection Lolli says, "Huh?"

"That's right. They rhyme because they're opposites. As in, you need to stay on the opposite side of the room from me."

Before I could rebuke her further, she drops the scissors, throws her arms around my neck, and pats me on the back. I was just about to melt into the hug and squeeze her back when she pulls away, walks across to the other side of the room, sits down and plays with her toys. She looks back up at me and offers the hugest, toothiest, Spongebobbiest smile ever.

I'm a horrible, mean, cold-hearted mother.