Slowpoke

Everyone talks so fast, so much and so passionately, I'm having difficulties keeping up.

Am just working on the basic aim of at least not looking stupid.

Bangkok nights

Back from a great night out in Bangkok.
Maybe the one month won't be so bad after all.

One month in BKK

Got the Bangkok job and decided to take it. Am still a little bit hesitant about it, but am here. The job is quite overwhelming, but good thing it is with a team of consultants, and the others are seasoned experts. So at the very least this can be a really good learning experience. It's only for a month, so hopefully I'll manage. And it'll look really good on the CV.

Being alone is no fun though. Despite this really swanky accommodation they've given me. I've had my share of living alone and being independent. You'd think that after years as a student abroad would make me so used to this that it'd be a piece of cake. It's not. I've had enough of independence. So hopefully H can join me over here for a bit.

--
ooh just realised how whiney all that just sounded. haha. all's good actually. just a bit anxious with this new job. High expectations.

As many steps as it takes

I have a meeting tomorrow. After all the recent debacle about my (lack of) inter-personal skills, I am feeling rather anxious and unsure of myself. With this particular group of colleagues, I've sort of put myself in the leadership position, and I have no idea whether that position is accepted by the team members. In my head, I do so because I want to make sure the project gets going. And indeed we've seen progress being made. What worries me now, is whether I've focused on 'getting things done' at the expense of my relationship with the people who are getting things done.

Am putting myself on a {inset whatever number required}-step programme to improve my inter-personal skills.

I can't change overnight. So I'll set specific objectives for every event, and aim to make the changes, and to make a habit of these changes.

For tomorrow's meeting:
(1) Be pleasant.
(2) Make sure everyone gets a chance to voice their opinions, objections and queries.
(3) Ask questions instead of giving directions.

There are plenty more I need to work on. But I'll start with a conscious effort on these three.

Midnight

Called a hotel to confirm my reservation for tomorrow, and also to ask them to hold my room since I will be arriving at midnight.

The receptionist asked, 'what time at midnight will you be arriving?'.

When more is not enough

In the two years since H made the jump into the corporate world, we've seen a different side to life. It is also almost a year since I left my own employment from the government service, and venturing out on my own.

People always want more, don't they. While I've been spending the last 24 months in awe of the perks and by the sheer amount of money people get paid around here, I can't get over how much they still complain. In fact all they do is complain! They are not getting this, not getting that, want this, want more. Everything is an entitlement to them. Demands demands demands.

So ungrateful. It's one thing to want what you have the right to. But the sheer greed of it, is it necessary? Often I'd get stuck in a social conversation that inevitable turns to employment matters. Being the only one self-employed, formerly earning not much at all, currently earning close to nothing, with a student loan debt to pay - I'd end up keeping quiet.

While they complain. Everyone wants more more more.

When people already have so much, and yet cry foul over not getting more, it makes me truly angry.

And not just for myself. Yes I whinge (currently) about my finances, but in all honestly, this was all calculated and expected for the first year of operations. Am projecting an okay livelihood in the near future. Enough, at the very least. And we live way below our means. And there's always that reminder that so many have far less.

Last night another of H's colleagues reminded us that once we've tasted the life for 10-15 years, we'd start asking for more too.
I really hope we won't turn into that.

I am the goalkeeper

H used a goalkeeper analogy today. That's a new one. But it made a lot of sense.

Nobody gets to be a good goalkeeper without having to first let through many, many, balls into the goal. You practise, you get better. Sometimes, your mistakes - those balls that you let through, come at a time when it counts. That all important game. Huge audience. All bearing witness to your moment of failure. Your supporters disappointed in you. Your enemies cheering (jeering?).
It happens.

A goalkeeper dusts himself off, gets up, blocks out the crowd, and keeps his eyes on the ball. Next time, he saves it. If he doesn't, he gets right back up again, keeps his eyes on the ball.

You'll get better. You just need to get back on your feet.

---
I've been okay for a few days now. So glad that whole drama is over. Just needed to ride it out, go through the motions.
Next week, off to Bangkok for a month.

Just in time for the long weekend

Between the previous post (when I really was a at very very low point) and today, I was spiralling downwards for a few days - showing all the signs of depression actually - but thankfully am coming back up to the surface now.

A few things happened all at once in the last couple of days, that helped make things feel like it'll all be okay again.

I am sorry for the extreme drama, though. Just needed a space to let it out and feel less alone. I am no doctor, but I have long known that I do have the tendencies for depression. When I go down, I go down real low, real hard. Am glad to have this outlet. At one point, I caught myself thinking: "help". That was freaky.

But. Had my first good night's sleep in a week last night. God my body needed that sleep so much!

Am thankful for the positive things that came my way since yesterday.
There's that email from the family elder who explained that he hasn't ignored my apology - he just have internet issues. There's that supportive boss who went out on a limb to defend my credibility and did some damage control. There's that small step towards reconciliation by the people who were angry at me - it's small, but it is a step forward. There's that job offer from Bangkok that reassured me that if all fails here at home, I can always go elsewhere if I want to. There's that writing assignment that I managed to finish up and have such great feedback for. There's that note from a client that says the cheque's in the mail. There's that night out at the Toastmasters that I forced myself to go and do a presentation (which turned out to be a lot of fun) to snap back into life among the living. There's that group of lovely local Miri (new) friends at Toastmasters who have no idea all this is going on, but their sincerity and warmth reminded me that I need to focus on the good people and good relationships I have around me. And finally and definitely not least, there's H with his own way of being there that I've grown to get familiar with, and to appreciate.

Now that I've listed it all like that, I don't think I should be miserable. There's so much to be thankful for.

And Monday's a holiday, and I have no pressing deadlines at the moment (desperation to forget my worries plus insomnia made me clear out a lot of pending work!). H will be around, and I have a nice and easy book to read that I got for RM3 (no more slit-wrists for the year! that previous book was a disaster). And plenty of DVDs to catch up on.

Am getting better. Thank god.

*smiles*

---

add another one to that list. just as I published this post, a phone call came in, another job offer. maybe all that doom and gloom really was just in my head.

How much do you (dis)like me

Despite all my best intentions in the past two years, to improve myself to 'be a better person', all evidence in recent days are showing that I have failed miserably.

This sucks.
I've been bawling my eyes out all day, except when H is around, then I try to put on a brave face, because I already bawled to him yesterday. The poor guy is being so patient with me.

I guess I have no one to blame but myself - and that's the part that hurts most.

Need to have thicker skin, I guess. Suck it up, and move on.


All this is my fault. Those who are close enough to know me as a friend would probably be spared the other side of me, but there is another side of me. A not very likeable side.

H and I were watching Suze Orman once, and she made a mention about how in reality, it is easier to love your partner than to like him/her.
I immediately turned to H and asked him if he likes me.
Poor guy caught off-guard; he hesitated, then said i love you.

ah. all the man-woman relationship rule book will tell you that such a pause, and missing-the-point are a suicidal combination.

I let it slide though. Not his fault.
The truth is, I don't think I'm likeable either.

At the moment, I have two people clearly putting me on their Dislike list.

One is personal - that hurt at first mainly because the person is someone I have all this while put on a pedestal; but I have done the best that I could to rectify the situation, but if he still cannot find the courtesy to even respond to my apology, then I consider myself the more adult (for he is some forty years older). What more can I do.

The other is professional - well, an inter-personal issue within my professional work. Again, I was clearly at fault, I was disrespectful - something I now realise I have a tendency of being. But I acknowledged accountability and have very humbly and sincerely apologised. Again my apology went completely ignored. What confuses me is that while yes I handled things very very poorly, I wasn't the only one at fault. But I am being singled out so blatantly. Word is starting to go around now around my circle of colleagues, so my reputation is soon to be at stake, if not already. That this person I offended is in one of the highest seat of authority (within the work that I do), means that this whole thing is capable of having a very real impact on my career.

Though the one thing about all this that upsets me most is having to face the truth about myself. H has been trying to be kind yet not lie, bless him. The hard truth is still this - as much as I want to be, I really am not a very nice person.

Ah, let me just bash myself down for a while until I get all this out of my system. It's just a process i need to go through. Hope to snap out of this soon. For now, am trying to drown myself with work (hah what work. it's all being taken away from me) to keep my thoughts occupied.

I am a cry-baby, so this sorrowful post is expected. Like i said. Need thicker skin.

The Unwelcome Person

Now I know why locking up this site is a good thing.

I can scream bloody murder whenever I want to and not care.


I am persona non grata.
nice.


I don't think this has ever happened to me before - to be completely and deliberately shun out and blacklisted. They do not want anything to do with me, and they've made that very clear.

Ouch. My bruised ego.
But more importantly, ouch, my bank account. I can't do any work in this country - as of now, almost all my projects are being sabotaged. Haven't been paid a cent since last October. Not good, not good.

Previously I was upset, with myself, for making such a 'mistake' that apparently has cost me so much.
But now I am just pissed off with them. Really pissed.