One A M

Am home alone with A. One a.m. is the loneliest hour - when your child had just spent the last full hour screaming himself awake, his whole body tensing, his cries unfamiliar, for reasons you know not what. The way your heart prays please please don't let this be anything bad. The way you just do what you can and not have any moment to think, and nothing works. The way you just wish you are not alone. The way you beg your child to be okay. And the absolute relief, and exhaustion, when he finally calms down, turns around to put his little arms around you and falls asleep. The way you tell yourself, it's okay, it's okay, it's all okay now.

Not all that.

Bumped into a ghost from my past today. Funny how much we can build someone up in our heads. We make them larger than life. We worm our insecurities and self-doubt around them. And then one day, there they are, right in front of your face, and you realise:
1) They are not all that. Not at all.
2) They have an equally larger than life image of YOU inside their heads. And they are just as insecure.
3) There is no point to it.
Paths crossed once. You'll inevitably pass by each other again once in a while. Nothing to it - just move on. You both have very different destinations, and the world may be small but it is big enough for the both of you.

The mothering debate

Lately I've been having more and more conversations with myself about what type of mother I am and whether I am making the right choices. These conversations are not doubts, though. Simply assessments. Truth be told, I have, to my own surprise, complete confidence in that I am doing what is best for me and my family.

I see debates and arguments here and there about the stay-at-home mothers versus working mothers. I always baffles me how people (more often than not, it is the mothers themselves) are very hard on each other on this topic. A lot of high horses in this debate.

There is a current uproar back home, about a CCTV recording of an Indonesia maid mistreating the baby in her care. I was taken aback by many comments in various websites, blaming the parents (read: mother) for having a career and leaving the childcare in the hands of a carer. Parenting is hard enough without these unsolicited judgements from others. People make their choices and they all have their reasons and justifications.

I have chosen differently. I stay at home, trying to juggle a freelancing career, which is not easy. The biggest challenge for the moment lies in the fact that I have lost much of my passion for the career, and wish to be even more present as a mother. This year is the year I reassess my choices and options.