The past year has been such a whirlwind. And I haven't even had a chance to reflect. Four months of sickness. Moving continents in the midst of all that. Two weeks upon arrival off I went again on not one but two assignments, one in Papua New Guinea, another in Bangkok. Had a glorious second trimester. Moved into a new home in The Hague, pretty much single-handedly handled the moving house and unpacking and supervising the furniture set-up. Gave birth to a whopping 3.8 kg baby boy. Parents came, parents went. All of that while managing a company and twelve employees and multiple projects running simultaneously. And now I'm adding on a long list of constant vigil, diaper changes, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, interrupted night sleep and navigating the stroller around town. I'm coping with motherhood, managing a career from home, with no domestic help and experiencing a whole life change with close to zero external support, in a new country, with a grand total of four people on my local contacts list.
Don't get me wrong though. Am absolutely loving it all. Just tired.
And a tad lonely.
I've always been okay being on my own. I don't need to have people around me all the time. In fact I tend to prefer to be on my own. But these past nine months have been overwhelming and I just need a little bit of, I don't know, 'contact'.
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Did I mention I gave birth? Yeah. He's beautiful.
My mum's parting words at the airport came as a whisper in my ear, saying "You're a good mother".
It meant a lot that she said it. It meant the world.
But for once, I didn't actually need to hear it. After a lifelong of insecurities and self-criticism, I truly feared being a mother. But the very moment I held Adam in my arms, I knew. I just knew that I am a good mother. I question whether I am a good person. I worry about what people think of me, how they see me, what they say of me. But as a mother, I have no doubts. Heck I'm going to be an amazing mother.
Thursday, 29 September 2011
Transfer
So now I have the brilliant idea of moving back all the existing posts in theharddrive back to this blog and keep it all here. excuse me while this blog is under (re)construction.
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