Readings #4: The Shadow of the Wind

The Cemetery of Forgotten Books

"In this place, books no longer remembered by anyone, books that are lost in time, live forever, waiting for the day when they will reach a new reader's hands. In the shop we buy and sell them, but in truth books have no owner."

The Shadow of the Wind, Carlos Ruiz Zafon.

I wish I'd discovered Carlos Ruiz Zafon earlier. What an enchanting read. The Shadow of the Wind is translated from its original Spanish version. How I wish I could read Spanish.

In the first chapter, when the story began from the first person point of view of the protagonist, Daniel, at the age of ten, I didn't quite enjoy the flow of the writing. It was too literal, and did not feel like a ten-year old.

Thankfully, it wasn't long before the words started to just spill out of the pages. Reading the book was like running to catch a train while wanting to hold back to say one last goodbye to a loved one. You really want to know what happens next, but are unwilling to let go of the beauty of the moment. I read and re-read several lines over and over.

My only real complaint would be about the character Bea, or Beatriz. For much of the book, I could not make out whether she is or is not the One, which is fine, except for the fact that I did not even know whether or not I myself wanted for her to be the one. I wish I had a stronger opinion of her.

That aside, an it is a minor complaint, it has been a wonderful read, can't wait to read the prequel, The Angel's Game.

Most importantly, however, is that for me the story captures so many of my own personal fantasies. But my fantasies are mine to keep, and maybe one day to live.

"A secret's worth depends on the people from whom it must be kept."

Don't worry

I just had a business associate say this to me: don't worry i've got your back on this.

The amount of relief that gave me was unmeasureable. I actually doubted her for a moment. Known to be a tough, straight-talking and no-nonsense worker, she's not the easiest person to work with. Especially if you are afraid of tough, straight-talking and no-nonsense people, like I am. And she works for me! When a contract seemed like it was falling apart, one of my biggest worry was now how do I handle the pressure from the people I'm supposed to pay.

But I guess that's the thing about straight-talkers. They say it as it is, the good and the bad. And in this case, it seems to transcend into their loyalties. They stick with you, through the good and the bad. Oh in case you are worried for me about the contract, it's okay, not the end of the world. We are playing wait and see for now.

I am learning so much since starting up the company a year ago. Self development, self management, people management. So much. I feel improved too. While my errors and short-comings have been put into the spotlight more than a few times, my strengths and dare i say, hidden, potentials have surfaced too. I never knew I had it in me. I am tip-toeing across unchartered territory, and it's exciting. And for now, I survive another day, knowing that someone's got my back.

Yasmin Ahmad 1958 - 2009

What a loss for our country. This is a Malaysian we can be proud of.

This video of Yasmin's talk is a 15-minute gem absolutely packed full of life's lessons, both through what she said, and through the way she projects herself. And there are her adverts, of course; her visions of a multiracial Malaysia. I envy Sharifah Amani, to have had such a wonderful mentor in life, and to have had the chance to know this person's heart.

1) Charisma. That separates great people from others.

2) Know your Book. And know other Books. Expand your knowledge and learn from all that religion and philosophies have to teach you.

3) Take in criticism, but don't let them put you down.

4) Have a sense of humour, about life and its challenges.

5) Be passionate.

6) Read. Read a lot. It'll make you a richer person.

7) If you have power, if you are 'bigger' than others, it is your responsibility to care for those smaller.

8) If you want to create something and insist on it being 'yours'; all it can be is limited to as big as you are - which is extremely insignificant, in the greater scheme of things. Let go of the ego, step back and observe - only then can things be greater than who you are.

9) Humility. To remove as much self-arrogance as you can.

10) Be a part of something bigger than who you are.

Everything she did, was for her dream of a peaceful and harmonious Malaysia, where our race and religion are not barriers to how we love each other. To leave this earth with that kind of legacy, I think she can rest in peace.

The Love of Tan Hong Ming, by Yasmin Ahmad

The Music World Needed to Stop

I had to switch off the BET Awards. They call that a Tribute? It was an insult.

"Michael Jackson was not some beefing rapper from the streets who got shot over some petty nonsense. He wasn’t having a war of words with 50 Cent, Rick Ross, Suge Knight or some other artist. He wasn’t some Johnny come lately who had one or two hit songs and that’s it. He was Michael Jackson-worldwide icon and when he died in spite of controversary or what me and you may have thought about him, the music world needed to stop. All the stops needed to be pulled out."
> more from New America Media..

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A little bit out of sorts today. I'm ironing clothes. That's never a good sign. I hate ironing.

Readings #3: Mister B Gone

This was an airport buy-and-read.

Nice and short and dark. Had the book with me during the week-long workshop in Bangkok, but ended up only reading it at the airports and on the flights. It's a bit of a tease, a darkside tease, but am not completely convinced that it worked. Still okay though.

Am now not reading anything. Work is piling up on me.

mj

good bye michael.

Readings #2: Eat Pray Love

For a while there, I resisted reading Eat Pray Love.

This was because I saw Elizabeth Gilbert do an interview/discussion about the book and her journey, and she blew me away. I love the way she speaks, I really do. Extremely eloquent and she hits the point every time.

I didn't feel the need to read the book because after listening to her, I got it. I understood her story, loved it already, and felt that a) reading it won't have much more to offer; and b) I didn't want to spoil the brilliance of it in case the book wasn't as entertaining. (which doesn't make any sense since it was the book's best-selling status that got Gilbert interviewed in the first place, so it's gotta be good, right).

But one fine day I was chatting with Sue and the topic came up. Sue had just finished it with her book club friends, and assured me: "if you love how she speaks, then you will love the book because she writes exactly the way she speaks". Then she proceeded to shove a copy of the book at me. Here, read it.



Like I said. Books jump out at us. We don't pick them; they pick us.
And right now in my life, Eat Pray Love is the perfect companion.
I get it.

p.s. am loving the idea of Julia Roberts for the film.

Notes on a plane #1

I've been observing you. My goodness. You're operating on fifth gear.

Huda my PhD student said that to me last week. I was actually aware of her observing my every move. How could I not, she was seated next to me for three whole days, taking stock of everything I did.

And she's absolutely right too. I was running at top speed.

I should be exhausted - and in some ways, during certain stolen moments, I am - but I'm still running and it's taking a lot less effort than I would have previously thought. Maybe it's because I'm not thinking about it. I just run.

If I were to put into words what the past two, three weeks have been like, it'll look like this:

[after a month in Bangkok, and two nicely-paced week at home fly from Miri to KL Upon arrival immediately go for a drive up to Kuantan Do the jetty visit Do the drug use drop-in centre visit After two days drive back down to KL Fly back to Miri Less than a week, off for a day trip to Kuching for the UNESCO video conference Back to Miri Less than a week Off to KL again All sorts of things in KL IBBS project Masters students Back to Miri just for the weekend Then KL yet again, and it's crunch time PhD student needed sorting out Back in the good or at least okay books of Ministry of Health WHO suddenly calling IBBS project running a full speed that I had to gladly hand-over the controls to the so very dedicated team at MAC bless them Three days at the Ministry trying to be a fly on the wall but failing miserably Made one clandestine overnight trip to Bangkok on a confidential contract that is both secret and high profile at the same time if that even makes sense Back to KL to catch the all too important day one of the IBBS training workshop Then off yet again to Bangkok for the all important final presentation to the big shots at UNAIDS And now on the plane yet again writing in my notebook about to arrive in KL at midnight with a morning video conference again with UNESCO tomorrow and then the tail end on the IBBS workshop All that with nine UNAIDS country reports to finalise, one urgent WHO report and one what-am-i-thinking meeting with this guy who wants me to join his company full time knowing full well it'll be on top of running my own company full time Is it even possible to have two fulls?]

So there. This really is fifth gear. The amazing thing is, apart from just the one night when I choked up and had a minor panic scare, I've been calm. Walking through Suvarnabhumi (just love that name) airport just now - for the sixth time in less than three months - I caught myself humming a tune out loud.

The next week will continue to be crazy hectic. And exhaustion is kicking in. But I'm feeling great. Three more days and I'll be back where I want to be. Home in Miri, with H. I told him a couple of nights ago, on the phone, that the mere thought of him and the house keeps me sane and grounded. I visualise my home and the calmness sweeps over me like a tidal wave. Don't know if a tidal wave can be calm. That house, with the life in it that I have with H, defines sanctuary for me. It is a cocoon in which the stillness and stability is absolutely tangible. The wonderful thing is that I don't have to yearn for it the way I used to when my heart and thoughts were restless and lost. I have it. Even if I'm not there.

So yes. This is top speed. But I am being fueled by absolute stillness.

Love Story - Viva La Vida

Blame it on Facebook - I keep getting hooked on other people's posted 'favourites'.
This is brilliant. I've had in on loop for days! Enjoy!

When things get fishy

Road trip with Sue and Martin, for our research/intervention site visit. This is the LKIM (Fisheries Authority) fishing jetty up in Kuantan - the biggest and busiest in the peninsula. We overslept (!) and missed the pre-dawn chaos of fishing boats docking in and off-loading their catch for the day. Managed to catch the tail end of business though, and it was impressive. All three of us left stinking so badly of fish, we could only get rid of the smell three showers later!


Why were we there? Because initial research through the Needle & Syringe Exchange Programme indicate that the rate of injecting drug use is very high among the fishing community here, and with it comes a high HIV prevalence rate. Sue and Martin is setting up the research centre here at the jetty (our office is just upstairs from all this).

This trip was more than just a site visit for me. A few posts back, I was seriously doubting my passion for this work, with all the drama and politics that I was getting caught up in. This was the reality check I needed. The real thing. Why we do what we do.

Shameful

SHAME on them all. Shameful.

Zee Avi

Absolutely beautiful voice.

Couldn't decide which video I want up on the blog, so here's both:

Bitter Heart

Smile (cover)

For more Zee Avi aka KokoKaina:
http://www.youtube.com/user/KokoKaina
www.zeeavi.com

Readings #1: Capricornia

Currently half-way through Capricornia by Xavier Herbert.

That is, in between the various multiple tasks that I have managed to drown myself in!

photo source: Tesco Entertainment

Am enjoying this, especially after watching "Australia". (yes, Jackman) (ooh. also just watched Wolverine. are back-to-back multiple parentheses allowed?).
Absolutely love trying to read out Aussie pidgin slang as put in writing. Also fascinated by the repeated reference to Malay seafarers in 1920-1930s Northern Australia.

Which reminds me I still need to work on that paper on Malay seafarers. Right after I do the one on Bujang Valley.
Right after I get all the HIV work done.
Yeah right.

---

p/s what does it mean by 'the sweeping classic novel', I wonder.

What are you here to teach me?

Excerpt from Oprah Winfrey's Commencement Speech, Stanford University 2008.

" Now I want to talk a little bit about failings, because nobody's journey is seamless or smooth. We all stumble. We all have setbacks. If things go wrong, you hit a dead end - as you will - it's just life's way of saying time to change course. So ask every failure - this is what I do with every failure, every crisis, every difficult time - I say, what is this here to teach me? And as soon as you get the lesson, you get to move on. If you really get the lesson, you pass and you don't have to repeat the class. If you don't get the lesson, it shows up wearing another pair of pants - or skirt - to give you some remedial work. "

Source: http://news.stanford.edu/news/2008/june18/como-061808.html

I make no apologies for admiring Ms Winfrey. She is far from perfect, but she talks about things that I need to hear, in a way I like to hear them. Hey many of my girlfriends would say Angelina Jolie is a cooler role model, but I'm not about being cool. I often find myself connecting with Oprah's message. Perhaps it is a delivery thing. So many great people say (and do) so many great things. Different people connect with some more than others.

This particular excerpt, I first heard Oprah say on her tv show, a year or two a go, I think. It was one of those rare times that H actually sits down with me to watch Oprah. And that message stuck with him too. I know because today he threw it back at me to remind me of something I needed to learn.

Powered

Empowerment does not give you the power nor the right to put down others.

ok?

and also,

demanding respect and sensitivity from others is one thing.
don't expect to receive them if you are disrespectful to and insensitive of others.

ok ok?

Feel Good

At the very last minute upon arranging my itinerary for this latest trip to KL, I decided to take all my girls out for a treat. Am so glad I did.

I have four girls working for me at HART. They are all on part-time, and I manage them remotely; so I hardly ever see them. In the last couple of months, our working relationships have grown, they're understanding my demands so much better now, and I've learned more and more about people management.

These are such sweet and decent girls. Talking to them today, it felt really good to be surrounded by good and decent people. I like that I like them.

Bless'em.

For you

Latest find on the net:
I Wrote This For You


"If it was easy, everyone would do it. But it's not. Which is why it's up to you."
April 7, 2009.

Home

Bumped into a friend's sister at lunch today (here in Miri). She works here but I know she goes back to her family home in KL fairly often, so asked her if she's been back home recently.

She said yes, just last weekend. Then she asked me right back. What about you? Go home often?

Was caught off guard, and had to think a bit before I answered despite it being my own question.
It was weird being asked that. Because to me, this (Miri) is home. Oh, you mean back to Semenanjung (the Peninsula)?! ya I go often, but for work.

Funny how some of us never lose that attachment to home no matter where we are in the world. Though I now tend to bring home with me wherever I go. Lumut was home, when we stayed there. Now Miri is home. KL was never home. And Terengganu is where I grew up and now it's where my parents are.

Stoodled!

Thanks to the Stoodlerist and Stoodle Scourist! Check them out at: http://stoodle.wordpress.com

The Fourth Year Quitter

Have noticed a trend in my commitment tendencies. I last four years. With the exception of the marriage, that is.

This seems to be true for most of my significant endeavours. After four years, I quit, or things conveniently come to a conclusion.

Studies in the UK. 4 years.
PhD. 4 years.
Employment at the university. Officially 8, but time actually spent at the uni, 4 years.

And now, as I approach the first year of working as an HIV consultant, I am revising my 5-year plan, to a 4-year plan.

While I like how things are working out for me now - the flexibility, the exposure, networking, challenging projects and assignments, and most of all the independence to pave my own way, I am getting more and more discouraged by the environment I work in.

I want to say that there is too much politics in HIV, but everyone will tell me there's too much politics in everything. Sure, point taken. But I do think that along with organisational and personal politics, there are too much emotional stakes, aggressive activism, and just too many personalities.

I think at the moment, I want to separate what I do as a living, and what I do as my passion. Because I am finding myself losing what I thought was passion for HIV research. It just gets drowned in the sea of bickering, sensitivities and various agendas. I am not cut out for a life of swimming through those. In this past year, I have had to always watch what I say. Always biting my tongue. Who I liaise with. What people say (and what they really think). Whose toes not to step on, whose backs to rub. I have been blacklisted. I have received nasty emails (and yes, one that arrived this morning is the trigger to this post.) Yet all I want to do is my job.

There. Wasn't easy to admit that I am losing my passion for working on HIV. This is a field made up of people who are committed, dedicated, and passionate. Yet the vibe is just so negative. I am not cut out for negative vibes - they hurt. Now I just want to do it as a job, and there doesn't seem to be any room for people who just want to do their jobs.

So I'll do this for four years. Because I think I am good at what I do and I can contribute in some little way. Because I do need to give back to society what society has given me. Because it is an income. Because maybe there is a chance that I can make some change.

But after four years, I will re-assess. I'm not promising I'll quit, but at least I will seriously re-assess whether it is time to explore other options. I have options.

But seriously, life is just too short to fight other people's causes.

She dreamed a dream

This is all over the internet. Want to have it here on the lane. Lessons to be learnt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

Susan Boyle singing I Dreamed A Dream on Britain's Got Talent.

How many times in our lives have we looked down on others, or brushed them aside simply because they did not 'measure up' to our so called standards. And how many times have we passed those judgements upon a first glimpse, a first impression.
Most of those times, we would never even stop to find out if we were wrong.

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

I believe it is time for Susan Boyle to sing a different tune in her life.

Marathon

03:37

Okay. I have to wake up early, and catch another deadline at 10:00.
Now, sleep.


03:26

Learnt a lesson earlier today, about the power of the simple things.

After the meeting at MOH, I called for a cab, and one came promptly. The driver was a very courteous middle-aged man, didn't talk much but when he did he was soft-spoken and pleasant. By the time he got me to my sister's place, I asked him if he was willing to pick me up again in a couple of hours, to go to the airport. He readily agreed.

Turned out mummy also needed to go to the airport - later that evening. So I suggested to her to check with my taxi driver if he'd be willing to over for yet another pick-up. We did ask, and again he said okay.

About 10 minutes into the drive to the airport, the driver, Pakcik Din as he asked me to call him, said this to me: "rezeki dari Tuhan untuk saya, dapat jumpa Cik hari ni".
It is God's gift to me, to have met you today.


That choked me, and left me absolutely puzzled. He then elaborated. Apparently he had been driving around Putrajaya from 7 am to 11.30 with absolutely no customers. He was lamenting the loss of income as he wouldn't be able to make his minimum daily required to cover rent and license and all.
Then my call came in, and with that, he has three secured rides, two of which was long-distance to the airport. He called that a blessing.

I did absolutely nothing for him, apart from make a call for a taxi. But by doing nothing deliberately, there was that man who was sending out prayers of thanks for my sake.

I consider that a gift to me, and I needed to thank him.


02:49

This is why I am not a team person. This project we're doing; if I were to do this alone, it would have been completely different, and done in a completely different way. Should I be more assertive and put my foot down? Perhaps, but perhaps not this time. I clearly came in as the newbie, so I'll play the newbie card. For now.

See, people sometimes give out highly authoritative vibes, but they do not necessarily have all the goods.


00:35

It started yesterday morning - I had a last minute video conference scheduled at UNESCO here in Bangkok - completely separate from the job that I am actually here for. It was crazy hot walking over there after taking the BTS. Then the lady who was supposed to coordinate the video-con managed to screw up and it nearly didn't happen. You'd think these UN divisions are the epitome of efficiency; they are not. But it was pretty cool video-conferencing with people in Indonesia, Philippines, and East Timor despite the less than perfect technical aspects.

Finished the video-con, went back to the apartment, grabbed a quick lunch and off to the airport. Took the flight back to KL - plane took forever to land so we ended up delayed and it was 22:00 by the time I arrived at my sister's. Had work to do, tried, but was dead tired.

This morning, off to the MOH for my meeting. Was part dreading - part eager. I really, really wanted to make things right with them. And I think I managed even if a little bit. That's one tiny step forward, I guess. The people from MAC seemed pleased too, so that's all okay.

Quick lunch with mummy at my sister's, then straight back to the airport, and fly back to Bangkok!!!

One hour upon arrival at the apartment here, I'm in another meeting with the other consultants - at 20:30. To go over things to do TONIGHT!

So here I am. Still plenty to do and the big presentation is tomorrow afternoon.
All this is not going to end anytime soon!
It's all great, actually - but am just so tired..

Gaah!


00:00

It's been a crazy hectic couple of days, and things are nowhere near slowing down.
Am pulling an all-nighter tonight, and I need to keep myself sane with regular breaks. Can't do a running status update on Facebook because all sorts of people are on there; including the people I'm working with!

Slowpoke

Everyone talks so fast, so much and so passionately, I'm having difficulties keeping up.

Am just working on the basic aim of at least not looking stupid.

Bangkok nights

Back from a great night out in Bangkok.
Maybe the one month won't be so bad after all.

One month in BKK

Got the Bangkok job and decided to take it. Am still a little bit hesitant about it, but am here. The job is quite overwhelming, but good thing it is with a team of consultants, and the others are seasoned experts. So at the very least this can be a really good learning experience. It's only for a month, so hopefully I'll manage. And it'll look really good on the CV.

Being alone is no fun though. Despite this really swanky accommodation they've given me. I've had my share of living alone and being independent. You'd think that after years as a student abroad would make me so used to this that it'd be a piece of cake. It's not. I've had enough of independence. So hopefully H can join me over here for a bit.

--
ooh just realised how whiney all that just sounded. haha. all's good actually. just a bit anxious with this new job. High expectations.

As many steps as it takes

I have a meeting tomorrow. After all the recent debacle about my (lack of) inter-personal skills, I am feeling rather anxious and unsure of myself. With this particular group of colleagues, I've sort of put myself in the leadership position, and I have no idea whether that position is accepted by the team members. In my head, I do so because I want to make sure the project gets going. And indeed we've seen progress being made. What worries me now, is whether I've focused on 'getting things done' at the expense of my relationship with the people who are getting things done.

Am putting myself on a {inset whatever number required}-step programme to improve my inter-personal skills.

I can't change overnight. So I'll set specific objectives for every event, and aim to make the changes, and to make a habit of these changes.

For tomorrow's meeting:
(1) Be pleasant.
(2) Make sure everyone gets a chance to voice their opinions, objections and queries.
(3) Ask questions instead of giving directions.

There are plenty more I need to work on. But I'll start with a conscious effort on these three.

Midnight

Called a hotel to confirm my reservation for tomorrow, and also to ask them to hold my room since I will be arriving at midnight.

The receptionist asked, 'what time at midnight will you be arriving?'.

When more is not enough

In the two years since H made the jump into the corporate world, we've seen a different side to life. It is also almost a year since I left my own employment from the government service, and venturing out on my own.

People always want more, don't they. While I've been spending the last 24 months in awe of the perks and by the sheer amount of money people get paid around here, I can't get over how much they still complain. In fact all they do is complain! They are not getting this, not getting that, want this, want more. Everything is an entitlement to them. Demands demands demands.

So ungrateful. It's one thing to want what you have the right to. But the sheer greed of it, is it necessary? Often I'd get stuck in a social conversation that inevitable turns to employment matters. Being the only one self-employed, formerly earning not much at all, currently earning close to nothing, with a student loan debt to pay - I'd end up keeping quiet.

While they complain. Everyone wants more more more.

When people already have so much, and yet cry foul over not getting more, it makes me truly angry.

And not just for myself. Yes I whinge (currently) about my finances, but in all honestly, this was all calculated and expected for the first year of operations. Am projecting an okay livelihood in the near future. Enough, at the very least. And we live way below our means. And there's always that reminder that so many have far less.

Last night another of H's colleagues reminded us that once we've tasted the life for 10-15 years, we'd start asking for more too.
I really hope we won't turn into that.

I am the goalkeeper

H used a goalkeeper analogy today. That's a new one. But it made a lot of sense.

Nobody gets to be a good goalkeeper without having to first let through many, many, balls into the goal. You practise, you get better. Sometimes, your mistakes - those balls that you let through, come at a time when it counts. That all important game. Huge audience. All bearing witness to your moment of failure. Your supporters disappointed in you. Your enemies cheering (jeering?).
It happens.

A goalkeeper dusts himself off, gets up, blocks out the crowd, and keeps his eyes on the ball. Next time, he saves it. If he doesn't, he gets right back up again, keeps his eyes on the ball.

You'll get better. You just need to get back on your feet.

---
I've been okay for a few days now. So glad that whole drama is over. Just needed to ride it out, go through the motions.
Next week, off to Bangkok for a month.

Just in time for the long weekend

Between the previous post (when I really was a at very very low point) and today, I was spiralling downwards for a few days - showing all the signs of depression actually - but thankfully am coming back up to the surface now.

A few things happened all at once in the last couple of days, that helped make things feel like it'll all be okay again.

I am sorry for the extreme drama, though. Just needed a space to let it out and feel less alone. I am no doctor, but I have long known that I do have the tendencies for depression. When I go down, I go down real low, real hard. Am glad to have this outlet. At one point, I caught myself thinking: "help". That was freaky.

But. Had my first good night's sleep in a week last night. God my body needed that sleep so much!

Am thankful for the positive things that came my way since yesterday.
There's that email from the family elder who explained that he hasn't ignored my apology - he just have internet issues. There's that supportive boss who went out on a limb to defend my credibility and did some damage control. There's that small step towards reconciliation by the people who were angry at me - it's small, but it is a step forward. There's that job offer from Bangkok that reassured me that if all fails here at home, I can always go elsewhere if I want to. There's that writing assignment that I managed to finish up and have such great feedback for. There's that note from a client that says the cheque's in the mail. There's that night out at the Toastmasters that I forced myself to go and do a presentation (which turned out to be a lot of fun) to snap back into life among the living. There's that group of lovely local Miri (new) friends at Toastmasters who have no idea all this is going on, but their sincerity and warmth reminded me that I need to focus on the good people and good relationships I have around me. And finally and definitely not least, there's H with his own way of being there that I've grown to get familiar with, and to appreciate.

Now that I've listed it all like that, I don't think I should be miserable. There's so much to be thankful for.

And Monday's a holiday, and I have no pressing deadlines at the moment (desperation to forget my worries plus insomnia made me clear out a lot of pending work!). H will be around, and I have a nice and easy book to read that I got for RM3 (no more slit-wrists for the year! that previous book was a disaster). And plenty of DVDs to catch up on.

Am getting better. Thank god.

*smiles*

---

add another one to that list. just as I published this post, a phone call came in, another job offer. maybe all that doom and gloom really was just in my head.

How much do you (dis)like me

Despite all my best intentions in the past two years, to improve myself to 'be a better person', all evidence in recent days are showing that I have failed miserably.

This sucks.
I've been bawling my eyes out all day, except when H is around, then I try to put on a brave face, because I already bawled to him yesterday. The poor guy is being so patient with me.

I guess I have no one to blame but myself - and that's the part that hurts most.

Need to have thicker skin, I guess. Suck it up, and move on.


All this is my fault. Those who are close enough to know me as a friend would probably be spared the other side of me, but there is another side of me. A not very likeable side.

H and I were watching Suze Orman once, and she made a mention about how in reality, it is easier to love your partner than to like him/her.
I immediately turned to H and asked him if he likes me.
Poor guy caught off-guard; he hesitated, then said i love you.

ah. all the man-woman relationship rule book will tell you that such a pause, and missing-the-point are a suicidal combination.

I let it slide though. Not his fault.
The truth is, I don't think I'm likeable either.

At the moment, I have two people clearly putting me on their Dislike list.

One is personal - that hurt at first mainly because the person is someone I have all this while put on a pedestal; but I have done the best that I could to rectify the situation, but if he still cannot find the courtesy to even respond to my apology, then I consider myself the more adult (for he is some forty years older). What more can I do.

The other is professional - well, an inter-personal issue within my professional work. Again, I was clearly at fault, I was disrespectful - something I now realise I have a tendency of being. But I acknowledged accountability and have very humbly and sincerely apologised. Again my apology went completely ignored. What confuses me is that while yes I handled things very very poorly, I wasn't the only one at fault. But I am being singled out so blatantly. Word is starting to go around now around my circle of colleagues, so my reputation is soon to be at stake, if not already. That this person I offended is in one of the highest seat of authority (within the work that I do), means that this whole thing is capable of having a very real impact on my career.

Though the one thing about all this that upsets me most is having to face the truth about myself. H has been trying to be kind yet not lie, bless him. The hard truth is still this - as much as I want to be, I really am not a very nice person.

Ah, let me just bash myself down for a while until I get all this out of my system. It's just a process i need to go through. Hope to snap out of this soon. For now, am trying to drown myself with work (hah what work. it's all being taken away from me) to keep my thoughts occupied.

I am a cry-baby, so this sorrowful post is expected. Like i said. Need thicker skin.

The Unwelcome Person

Now I know why locking up this site is a good thing.

I can scream bloody murder whenever I want to and not care.


I am persona non grata.
nice.


I don't think this has ever happened to me before - to be completely and deliberately shun out and blacklisted. They do not want anything to do with me, and they've made that very clear.

Ouch. My bruised ego.
But more importantly, ouch, my bank account. I can't do any work in this country - as of now, almost all my projects are being sabotaged. Haven't been paid a cent since last October. Not good, not good.

Previously I was upset, with myself, for making such a 'mistake' that apparently has cost me so much.
But now I am just pissed off with them. Really pissed.

When books jump out

A while back, I was feeling rather out of sorts. Nothing was actually wrong, but I didn't feel right. One day, I was browsing around a book store, and one book just called out to me. It was never on my to-read list, but that day, I was drawn to it.

Was it the greatest book on earth? Not likely.
Did I actually understand it completely? Actually, I didn't.
But it was absolutely the right book for me at that time. Things were put into perspective, and it all made more sense. I didn't agree with everything the book conveyed, but it made me think and find my own solutions, my own answers.

It cured me of my maladies. It also reinforced my believe that God talks to us everyday in our lives. We just have to keep our eyes and hearts open to find those reassurances.

Yesterday, I discovered a little book store that I absolutely fell in love with, here in Singapore. There were books everywhere, but I couldn't find a single book for me. Nothing jumped out. Again, I happened to be feeling all out of sorts. Just a little bit 'eh.

Ended up with two books in my hands. Neither were particularly appealing.
One was a sappy love story with a feel-good ending (I've seen the movie).
The other was a depressing slit-wrist "you need a strong heart to read this", as described by the store owner.

I went for the slit-wrist.

Restricted Access to Reality Lane

It was inevitable that I re-open, sort of, the Lane.

So here I am again.