languages

I used to speak pretty good Thai. I wasn’t exactly fluent but I knew enough.
I could understand even more.

While living in Thailand i was able to converse with anyone I came in contact with, get myself home, order food, talk about the basics.
it was thrilling. A freedom.
I remember when I dreamed in Thai for the first time. There’s a barrier on breaking through, the feeling dumb when you mispronounce things or aren’t being understood. I remember getting shy or quiet on and off while I progressed. That’s something that made a lot of impact. Had to push past ego and embarrassment to get better.

She Beat the Afternoon Floor

Her guts’ voice had whispered for years that this is who she would become

She is the person her heart fell in love with
even though she had never met
The person she didn’t know she’d get to embrace

There were times strength wasn’t part of her being
and the easiest was to lay limp to the world around.
Standing up right facing what constantly felt like a losing battle
the overwhelming
the survival mode bending

Grit and fire, to keep the voice intact
quiet and louder somedays


She is so happy she didn’t give up.
She is so happy she didn’t let the kitchen floor afternoons’
win.

Rising


The more I use and keep my boundary, the more I see it. The stronger I get. How obvious you are to me now. I feel throw up in my heart sometimes at how insanely clear it is. I am not scared of you or of myself with you. Yet I know how strong the stuff is. The method you use. I know it works. I have been a part of the part where it works.
I am not struggling with being friendly enough to not be rude anymore ( I could care less of being rude to you but for the sake of not digging in to your treat bag, I summon a no go zone ). I used to feel uncomfortable in person when I gave you grey rocks. Now? I don’t even flinch at your stupid grin or exasperation. You’re just a sick person with a sick heart and I will not give in to your incessant persistency. The stuff you don’t get bored of giving because you feed off of when the pressure cracks and makes victims. But I do not continue as victim. All though I will always have to deal with the caliber of your disorder, I am a surviving individual. I cannot control how you will show up, but I can control how I carry myself- and I choose strength, consistency and peace.

Ants

I love ants.
Maybe not when they’re in my bed or between my toes.

I love the trail they make to the wet mango on the floor, carrying strands back to their home.
Sometimes I see three of them helping to move one big chunk.
I love that they’ve told each other, this is the way and we trust it.

I love that they come back and pick up their dead friends. I see the carcasses there one hour, and the next, they are all gone.

I love how strong they are and how loyal. Beautiful, intelligent insects that make my heart smile.

The Torture

My head is swollen with artifacts and revelations, combined and collided. Some rescuing me, some drowning me. I am feeble. I am tense. I am empty with defeat, I am full of despair. And anger and hurt and sad. Do people love torturing others so much, that they live with themselves as torture? Spun of evil, of spiteful and of complete denial.
I envy the ones that have never been a part of this.

Today

Every now and then a date appears on the calendar. Memory and presence can collide and the desire to spend the whole day with him because it’s his is relevant and obvious to me.
All though,
I could bet the whole day wouldn’t be enough.

Slammed Trusto

You ever retrust someone again and again and again? When you’re in the niche of thinking they are a decent human being, they’ve changed, they’ll be alright to me- they hit you with a huge JUST KIDDING.
I cannot believe the amount of times I have fallen for this with the same person. I have never been around someone or experienced the complete flip of being. It is so disturbing to me. People like that are sick. But of course they are not because they can do no wrong. They are the empire and they will crush the vulnerable over and over again. Because they are good at it. So terrifyingly good at it.