Ayoko mag-move one, kasi...

When my bestfriend broke up with her girlfriend, I was there to comfort. I was there to remind her that her ex is such low life that she should be grateful that she was able to rid herself of the ex.

I was there to lend all my thoughts on how my bestfriend will wake up the next morning fabulous. I was there if she needs to do her nails or needs some oatmeal facial. I was there as the best gay friend she can have.

Also, I prepared myself with the litanies of how she has to move on. I had completed the thoughts that I can lend with how to heal.

Siyempre, I brought with myself the words of wisdom:

Makakahanap ka rin ng iba, mas better pa.

You have to move one, you'll be able to love somebody that will truly love you back.

My bestfriend's reply was:

Ayokong mag-move on. Baka matulad ako sayo, after moving on, hindi ka na ulit na-in love.

Potah. Ultimatum ba ito?
I was not prepared for that thought.

Oo, ultimatum nga. I need to find myself some love. hay..

To be rejected, or to be rejected.

I was rejected by someone that I don't even know.

It was the first time that I went to Trinoma. I didn't fall in love with Trinoma unlike what Greenbelt or Alabang Town Center did. I just tagged along my good friend Cherry and some of her people: Bonnie, Nikko and Germaine. But the experience was good. I love it when the people I'm with love to talk, and I must say that those people has a passion for talking.

Some coffee and tons of cigarrettes after, someone in the group suggested that I get to know her good gay friend. Gay friend, as what was suggested, is a good writer (used to write for Chalk magazine), he was supposed to be an avid fan of books, is good looking, and is masculine enough for me. I'm not sure, but Cherry's people must have gotten to know the traits that I look for a guy within the 2 hours of talking and cigarrettes.

The plan was, Germaine will make sure that the guy is available, and his number will be forwarded to me. I agreed. Somehow I wanted to know the guy, but being disappointed and devastated many times with these set-ups, I didn't expect too much.

So, after a few days, the guy's number was forwarded. I must admit, I'm not sure what to do. Asking the guy if we can be friends in a text language is not my forte. So, I just saved his number and waited for nothing from my end.

Until my new friend Bonnie forwarded a lovely, lovely message about post-break-up scenarios. Being a sucker for these things, I sent the message to all the mobile numbers saved in my phone book.

4 hours after the message was sent, 9 people reacted. I was really sleepy, but noticing that the 'guy' replied made me read his message. This was how the chain of messages went on:


'Guy': "Hi! Who is this, please?"


Me: ( I decided that I have to be forward since I wanted to sleep already.) Hey! my name is philip and i got your number from germaine and thought that we could be some sort of friends, or something.."


'Guy': Did you view my friendster account?


Me: Yeah, I think I did once, you look cute. ( Damn! ang corny ng reply ko, leche!)


No reply from the 'guy'. I went to sleep and dreamt of something surreal like candles and labyrinthine houses.


The next morning was the time that I was blown. I was rejected by someone that I don't even know. And that the feeling is not that nice!




Ngek, what did I do to deserve this? Siguro ayaw sa mga blonde:

I have a new crush..

The thought of him melts the brain cells away.

The brain cells are just too happy to protest on why they are melting.

melt..melt..melt..

too happy to protest..

just evaporize..

poof..

into thin air you go..

I have a new crush..

I feel so girley..

P.S. My friend Leyn can't look directly at the crotch area...what's with that girl? hmm...mahalay! =)

Moving Up!

Merci beaucoup, mes amis! Thanks people for lending me your ears, I really appreciate it. I really do.

Anyhow, I'm trying my best to be okay that's why I am okay. One day I will be more than that. I promise.

I am finally letting go, of him as well as the friendship. After I got his last response, I didn't contact him back. That was it. He said on the many emails and text messages he sent after, that he wants us to talk, to settle things. But, I am letting go. I have many beautiful days to commit into. It's not healthy to keep him anymore.

Words were said between us. Plans were set. He was not going to hesitate anymore: his own words. Blissfull actions were lovingly done to each other that night. So that's why I said that 'kami na uli'.

But, I was wrong, boy, I was wrong..big time!

Motto for today: Time to Move Up!

What the hell?!?

I said:

Atlas,

I'm not sure of the length of time I struggled to move on from you. I am sure that it is obvious. Remember the time you called me at my mobile? You where still in the US back then. I know it was you. I hanged up. I was trying hard to forget you. I was bit by bit succeeding, until you came back.

I was not expecting anything but to get to rekindle the friendship. You stayed in my place the that night, we kissed, we somehow had sex. You said you missed me, I felt the same way. That is something that friends never do. I was in shock the whole time. I can not believe what was happening. I can not believe I was doing it with you again. Yet, it was there. It happened. I was happy. I was somewhat completed.

Today I received a call from June. I was sleeping when I got the call. Just imagine the horror I am having. Is he the June I am thinking of, the one who has my Lyceum shirt? Are you staying at his place? Are you two 'together'?

What are we? Are we 'together'? What are we?

I deserve an explanation. I need as much explaining from you. Please be considerate, I know that you are well aware of what depression is and its effects. Explain, so that if I will get depressed again about this, it might as well start right at this very moment.



He responded:

Hi Philip,

Yes, I'm staying at June's place now. The numbers I used are his. We are together.

I know depression and that's exactly what I feared. I realized that both of us haven't changed. Things are actually still the same for you. With that, I knew only worse would come. I do remember the postings you made on the internet. I took it as act of anger and simply let it go.

I'm supposed to be in a rehab center or mental ward right now, and clearly I'm not. I left my family in NJ because I refused to be attended by psychiatrists and psychologists. I have major personal issues that I wish not to go back to. It would be best that I don't show or let you experience the same things. I want us to be friends, and we have been great friends, but I know you won't even have that. I have repeatedly cited my intentions regarding our relationship. Yes we kissed on Saturday and even performed fellatios to each other. That's another area that perhaps we are not compatible in. And something I'm not comfortable in - it brings me to virulent parts of my youth. I meant it when I said, "I missed you". Yes friends do that. But I believe that friends shouldn't do that. We both know it happened and it was all real.

You' re still as moved by your emotions as before. I have been emotionally and mentally erratic and other anxieties. We both have depressive tendencies. I have substance abuse tendencies. The end of the equation will be unhealthy for both of us.

I'm sorry for how terrible I've made you feel. An apology may still not get through to you, but it really lies on you now.

I will wait for your reply. Also, don't expect that I write back immediately. I had the opportunity to open my e-mail just now.

If you would like us to meet to further talk about this, let me know the time, date and place. I will try my best to be there for you. Thanks.

atlas

***What should I do?

Prayer

Lately, I have been praying a lot. It's funny, because I didn't really had this habit of praying and being thankful for whatever I have.

But this time is different. For the past months, I have proved my strength in every big or small challenges that came my way. I was grateful, yes I was, but never did I really pondered that those are blessings from the one who watches over. This time, I am a bit scared. I do not want to loose what I earned lately. I wish so hard that the love I found will stay, until forever fades.

Kill Celine Dion!

Here's my story:

I feel restless.
I feel like running out of this room.
I want to feel my blood rushing within me.
I want to shout until my cigarette infested lungs burst out.
I want to stop listening to this mad love song.

I miss him.

philippe, Male, 22, In a Relationship

I took a risk, but the risk is worth the consequence the future might bring.

I met up with my ex for some coffee, it was supposed to be a friendly reunion, because it has been two years since the last time we met. I was a nervous wreck. You see, I was scared. But the moment I set my foot inside Starbucks and laid eyes on him, I knew that I wanted him back. I just didn't know yet how to.

He gave me a hug when he saw me, stories he kept for two years were told and retold. We chained-smoked, laughed, reminisced the days we shared in college, revealed some of the reasons why he came back in the country, shared our love for jazz and Anita Baker. We talked about how old we are feeling lately, because after two years, there were a lot of changes.

It was a sweet and perfect conversation between two close friends basking on a reunion. But, somehow, I know that there will be no way for me to let myself be just another close friend. But then again, at that point, I was just another close friend.

After a while, he asked me: 'So, how are you feeling?'. Heart thumping and grinding, I said: 'So far, I'm feeling good.' That opened the chance to tell him how scared I was on meeting him again, how ironically, for two years I have been thinking about this meeting, anticipating and dreading it at the same time. He said that he feels that same way. He feels the same way.

Have you heard that old song with a message that a 'kiss is still a kiss'? It was an old song. A love song. That was the song that best describes that night. A kiss. After two long years, all it takes to rekindle everything is a kiss. All the bitterness, the rage, the secret anxieties, the hatred were forgotten by a single, long, warm, knee-trembling, heart-racing kiss.

At sa wakas, I am really glad to change something on my Friendster account.

philippe, Male, 22, In a Relationship

The Inevitable

My ex is back in the country.

He would want us to meet for a cup of coffee.

I am scared.

I am freaked out because I do not have any decent thing to wear.

I am worried that I might not be conversant. He might notice that there is still some bitterness hidden within me.

I think that if I am to meet him personally after 2 years, I might want him back.

I'm actually scared.

What happened Saturday night.

Did it ever occur to me that my mom can visit my place anytime she wishes to? No. So, for the past two days I was having this great dilemma. I should have started detoxifying my place of anything 'too gay' for my mom. Hay..this is too hard. Actually, I'm not really sure of what defines too gay. Because, living away from my parent's home for 4 years has made me so comfortable of being me, gay. Yeah, it changed my views on anything that might be too gay for my mom.

****

Last night, I was in a seedy apartment. It was my friend's party. Gay friend hosted the party as a way of ridding bad vibes from him. So, being a sort of good vibe, I was invited. Gay friend was lucky to survive an embarrassing 'call boy demanding he gets the pay and the Gay Friend's iPhone' incident. I brought along this cute guy I met from somewhere.

Too many white wine, some inhaled weed stick a fellow brought and a raging libido, I woke up almost noon in somebody else's place. Yeah, I am dirty. I felt shitty afterwards. Good thing, the guy I brought at the party loves to cuddle. It somehow led to smoothing my anxiety.

*****

When I got home, The Buzz was reporting something about Piolo and Sam getting ready for some legal actions against Lolit Solis. I thought: bagay si Piolo at si Sam, pero ang cheap na naman ng issue.

Ngayon at Kailanman.mp3

If one day, I am to wed, this will be the song.

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Notes on the Philippine Constitution textbook...

Love is a long journey. When that journey stops, love has finally reached its home.

But, what if the journey never stopped? What if love thought that at last, home was found only to realize that the road would still be waiting? What if love thought that it is the master of its ship, but just realized that the sails can never meet its peace? What if the prince of your every fairy tale was no where in sight?

Wounds can heal, and pains would perish, but the emptiness of the soul lingers every minute of the day? And when you thought that you're alright, memories would still haunt you.

Sometimes, falling in and and falling hard with love can be tiring. Giving up someone you cherished so much is a painstaking experience. Is it this painful every time cupid strikes his bow? Possibly because this makes us cherish relationships even more. To learn the value of a relationship. To shape us to be the best person that we can be.

***

Falling hard for love is difficult. But being stocked weeping about the shadows of the past, I think not.

Life must go on. Hope will be the glowing traffic of our lives's many intersections.

***

Pain and lessons are the consolations we get from love, which we can use to move on to a different direction. Just believe that there's someone out there who waits and prays for you.

***

Real love brings out the best in all of us. It is the kind of love that makes us do well and feel good. This one is worth fighting for This could be a long process, but you surely wouldn't want to miss this. Give it your best try.

***

In loving, we tend to forget about ourselves. But love yourself first, so that in loving, falling and trying to love again will just happen spontaneously.

***

Be thankful that once in you life, you have felt so right about a person.


These I found scribbled in blue ink at the back of my Philippine Constitution textbook. Date was March 2004. I haven't been in love at that time. Not even once.

Hello..

Saturday, around 4 AM:

Induced by one miraculous sleeping pill, my deep slumber was disturbed by Rihanna's Umbrella. I thought that I was just dreaming, but Rihanna was singing from my cellphone. Good thing was that my battery was fully charged at that time. So, of course, realizing that the phone was actually ringing, I answered it.

Philippe: Hello? ( a phlegmatic noise gurgling from the effects of the pill)
Caller: Hello!
Philippe: Hello... ( this time, I was sure of who the caller was)
Caller: Hi!
Philippe: hanged-up, grabbed a can of San Miguel Pale Pilsen, a pack of Marlboro Menthols and went to commit a suicide.

The caller was the Ex, and I didn't die. Well, I thought I did for a while, but no, I have too many drama episodes to commit into.

Sunday morning:

I was dealing with a pretty mad stomach. I have a steel-designed stomach, so I wasn't sure of why my stomach was hurting me.

Cellphone rings. A text message: "Philip, hearing your hellos was exciting though abrupt. It seemed technology failed my own hellos to echo. Would it be alright if I make another attempt?"

I thought, second attempt for what? Another hello that would lead to my suicidal nature? A second hello that might lead for his another 'raining on my life'?

Or maybe, another hello to tell me that he wants his things back? This time for good?

I have no way of knowing, because no hello came from me this time.

Pooffed out the EX

This makes me really angry! I dreamed that I was at last in love with somebody I totally like. The dream's venue was at my mom's house in Bataan, because I want my mommie to meet him. Then suddenly, my ex just pooffed from nowhere and we had sex. Sex was steaming and loving and oh so much like what sex should be with him when we were still together. The current beau discovered it and voila.. was toasted. Ex suddenly pooffed out and I'm all alone.

Like, OH MY GOD! Don't I have the right to move on? hay...

Hey September! Good start huh?

Trying to get the feeling again...

Do you believe in 'Platonic Love'?

I don't, and I never will. Somebody from my past recommended that we have this type of relationship. A type of relationship that is everything but intimate physical contact. It worked for two weeks and we just realized that it failed. Why it failed? Because he's a sexual being. I'm a sexual being. I love long passionate kissing, long hot baths or a cold shower together, sleepless nights because of the naughty things I would love to do with his body and then waking up and cuddling into him. That is not Platonic at all.

Do you believe that a silly little love song can move mountains?

I do. For the latter part of the relationship I had with the person who wanted 'Platonic Love', I began noticing that eventually, we are going to split up. Eventually, he would leave and I would wallow for sometime like what I do when I'm bored. It was the last night that I was with him, the last day of college.

Every document to be submitted was submitted and resubmitted to make sure that we'll be in PICC on the big day. So, to end the day, we decided to grab some beer on our favorite bar. He was silent, so introvert me was silent too. Somewhat I knew what will happen next, so I prepared myself for the worse. Well, for months before that I was already preparing, so I thought that was invincible. But, I was wrong. Nina began singing 'Anything For You', an original Gloria Estefan. The middle of the song was when I just suddenly cried. Oh, I didn't cry, I was sobbing back then. Then I asked him, 'Why can't you love me?', and then I'm out. I don't want to hear anything from him. I was too scared. When I got home, cellphone has tons of missed calls and unread messages. I turned it off. And that was it.

What would you do if one day, you suddenly bumped into him?

I would smile, acknowledge his presence and I'm out, just wishing that I was wearing my new Viktors when that happens.

What will happen if he returns, begging you to come back?

I'll try to get the feeling again. But if it won't work, I'm too good for him now, and he knows that.

random thoughts on a rainy day

Sade and the rain

Part of me really hates it when it rains. It makes me depressed..melancholic. Once, a special friend would refer to me as a "Perfect Melancholic'. Huge part of the reason he thought of me that way is that the whole time I was with him, there was always rain..emotionally.

Fortunately, when he suddenly decided that raining on my life was too much of a task, I began rediscovering the positive things that the rain can provide. One is having sex while it rains outside. Making love is not really the right term for this rendezvous because making love means fornicating a la Sex and the City's Charlotte..safe, respectfull..boring. Sex is Samantha: adventurous, wild,loud, passionate.

Plus, there is Sade. Rain and Sade makes sex a lot better. If you are to listen to Sade and her band while having sex, you'll notice that the rhythm is pulsatingly erotic. You may want to follow the gentle beat, the rhythm. It is sexual. But, you might not want to really listen intently to the music though, remember: full attention should be on the partner!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Things that makes me happy:

Since it's raining and I'm really prone to getting all mushy and gloomy with this kind of weather, I decided to make a list of the some of the many things that makes me happy.

- It makes me happy when i smell Aqua diGio worn by somebody I don't know. A while ago, I was riding an elevator and the smell was just hard to miss. It made my day for a while.
- 9 hours of sleep, induced by pills or not
- Country Style brown chocolate donuts
- dark bitter chocolate
- my MC card
- red stars partee tabs
- Gatorade, it quenches whatever thirst I might have
- my new untouched Viktor
- Sade and Patti Austin
- black cotton shirts
- Starbucks Caramel Machiatto
- kwek-kwek being sold along Ayala
- good movie, good book
- reading whatever Jessica Zafra wrote
- Isabel Allende's Eva Luna ( one of the characters line was: 'One day, I decided that I am beautiful...)
- denying I love Piolo Pascual

and finally...Jake Cuenca...hmm...





makes me really do a Sade act...

must hate weddings..II

The funny thing is that at this point, I choose not to believe in long term or lifetime relationships. If you'll ask me why, I say it is because it's really not healthy to hold on to something that will eventually end. I learned that lesson ages ago. The lecture I got from that lesson was really hard. But eventually, I became a good student and learned how to apply it.

____________________________________________________________________

Anyhow, I was in my guys4men account last time and I realized that the two guys I have bookmarked has the same set of pictures. I'm pretty sure that both accounts are fake. I'm just wondering who this guy is. He's cute. He's chinito. He's mysterious (because the accounts that has his images are not real). He's an eye-love!!! Here are some of his images.




Cute!


hmm...

must hate weddings

Sunday afternoons usually mean running personal errands, crazily scrubbing my bathroom tiles without handgloves, reading the latest book that I purchased or borrowed, or hooking up with a stranger I met on a Friday night. But that Sunday was really different. I was at the wedding of my cousin, to whom, a long time ago, I thought I've fallen in love to.



I didn't really want to come because (like many gay people of my age), wedding is like a funeral, just a bit glamored. But there I was that Sunday afternoon, wearing my Barong Tagalog and sweating like a mad pig. I decided to go just to pacify my mom, and also because I want to see Fernwood Gardens.

I really don't have something against weddings, I'm just not designed to be seated in a table with strangers on the reception and try to act as if I'm enjoying their company. That would be the one reason why I don't like coming to these gatherings, and the fact that many relatives would inevitably ask when I will get married too. One more time they do this, I'll scream at their faces that I am GAY, and that they should notice that.



Anyhow, the mass turned out to be a bit emotional on my part. Suddenly, I noticed how perfect that wedding was. Everything was just plain romantic. Everyone was beautiful. It was an intimate gathering of people celebrating the thing that the groom and the bride have been tastefully brewing.


And then a thought hit me. It hit me so hard that I was left melting after giving that thought a chance to corrupt me. I thought that I will never have this kind of thing in my whole life. It was funny and depressing...(to be continued)

P.S. as usual, I'm sleep deprived, so I have to rest my eyes for now. I just have to post this and set some of the thoughts free from my system.

bitter kasi single

(I used to have a blog prior to this one. And this was the first entry that I had there. Funny the way I used to think at that time.)


"I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with the maximum of pleasure, and minimum of bullshit. LOVE is something straight people tell themselves they're in, so they can get laid and they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with."
-Brian Kinney(Queer as Folk)


Sometimes I imagine myself in Brian's pants and shoes. Maybe, if I'm going to act the way he does or believe in the things he believes in, then life would be a lot bearable.
You see, I was burned before. I was burnt too much that I was left with scars my soul would bear for the rest of time. Once I was having a cig alone, a thought came up. We all experienced being scarred from loving something, for loving someone. It's like the burning sand that you walk in before you get to the shore. You have to feel the burning sensation. You have to scream if you have to for screaming and ranting and being bitter is part of the process. You scream and scream until you can't no more. Throat dries up so your only choice is to keep everything inside and cope and salvage yourself from the feeling that is slowly eating you.
Then silence. Then the cooling effect of the sea water on your feet. Then the comfort, the silent bliss.
But then again, this process is tiring. And everytime I experience this, there is a moment when I might not reach the shore. The next time I might not reach it...

must be...

There are two Victors in this lifetime of mine that fascinate me. One is the maker of those uber nice jeans (which my credit card allowed me to have..purita). The other one is the guy that is on the picture. There is just something in him that tickles me and my libido.Pardon for the term, but he just oozes with...hmm...I'm not really sure what term to use eh. He just makes my heart melt. Oh, that would be it! It's like I want to keep that guy inside my pocket so that no one can see him but me (selfish bitch!), and I would grab him out of my pocket everytime I'm feeling blue. This must be love. Imagine seeing this guy the moment you wake up..snoring silently by your side..looking so vulnerable, then he wakes up and smiles. Heaven.

P.S. I heard a lot of things about this dreamboat..one is that is 'gay'. hmmm..