Living with Deja Vu

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.
I'm remembering.
Maybe to much.
Being pregnant again doesn't erase the memories or magically make it all better.
I still miss her.
I'm sure I always will.
So many others who have lost their precious little ones, I'm thinking of you tonight.

Some instances of Deja Vu are just not fun.

I'm nearing the point where everything went horribly wrong last time. Everyday is a struggle to stay positive and think the same thing could never happen again. Tomorrow I will be at the 18 week mark. I distinctly remember sitting on the table (18 weeks along) awaiting the gender reveal and asking the sonographer exactly how far along I was. "So, 18 weeks is 4-1/2 months right?" That sounded sooo good to me! But, I was never able to say that to anyone after that day. I did have to say, "I was 4-1/2 months pregnant, but not anymore" many, many times.

I want to say I think I may feel this little one kicking & rolling around to protest my "not so great breakfast choices" this last week. I wish I could just be excited about it and not filled with worry & the thoughts of "don't fall for it, do not get to attached....yet", but it is what it is. Next week will be tough & I'm sure filled with lots of anxiety.

I've decided to have the sonographer write down the "boy or girl" news in an envelope and we'll open it after we leave the hospital. We will not get wrapped up in the "gender ultrasound." I know very well that is not what the anatomy scan is all about. I couldn't take the "it's a girl......but...wait.....I'm sorry...I see some problems....I need to go get the specialist" nightmare again. I can't put into words how hard that was. To get so excited and then have our dreams crushed within moments. I think the envelope idea is a good plan to keep us focused on what is important, a healthy baby.

I'm a bad blogger!

I'll admit it, I'm a bad blogger!!!

Life has been kicking my ass lately. I have so much to write but no time. Work is unbelievable right now. Busy, busy, busy!!! Today is the first day in over 2 weeks I have had time to actually respond to an email or post on my other blogger friends blogs. I'm a bad blogger and a bad blog friend.

Let's see.....I have a huge list of excuses!!

1. Work is killing me, but I finally got the very large project off of my desk today!!! WoooHooooo!!!!
2. The fun little lawsuit threat I spoke of several months ago is still hanging over my head. Clock is ticking!!
3. Computer had a close call with death.....it recovered.....then died a slow & painful death.
4. Had to buy a new computer.
5. Had to re-buy quickbooks and reinstall quickbooks for Ron's company. It took 3 days!!!!
6. Have to find a new AutoCAD program to be able to work from home & on above mentioned lawsuit. Think this may finally be solved!!!
7. We went on vacation.

I still haven't reinstalled my camera transfer software to my new computer, so writing a post about Frio without pictures would be NO fun! I took some pretty neat pictures and worked a little bit on my photography, but not nearly as much as I wanted to. I will do a Frio post very soon!

We had another appointment last week and things still look good. This little on seems to be growing at a great pace. We're still waiting for the big ultrasound on October 22. I think after that day I will feel much better & maybe a little more secure. Maybe start working on the front room. I still don't want to jinx anything. Everyone knows already...I'm expanding rapidly!

We celebrated my 30 Birthday Saturday. I'm 30 years old! My sisters keep reminding me by saying, "I talked to "so-and-so" the other day and told then you were going to be 30 and they couldn't believe it"!!! THANKS SIS!!! Ron told me he made a reservation at one of my favorite restaurants "The Olive Garden" and it would just be us. Great...Ron does not like Olive Garden and I NEVER get to eat there. So I was excited. We got there at 7:00 and told the receptionist we had a reservation at 7:00. "I'm sorry sir, we don't take reservations on the weekend, but we have a table open." She proceeded to take us to a table. Ron looked completely dazed and kept looking around as we walked to our table. As soon as we sat down he said, "I have to go to the bathroom" and took off. I KNEW something was up. He came back and said our table was actually on the other side of the restaurant. We walked over and my mom, sister and our great friends Stephen & Jen were all waiting for us. Ron tried so hard to pull it off & the restaurant screwed it up!!! But it really makes for a funny story!! His face was just priceless when we sat down at the wrong table!! We all ate some great Italian food and I watch many drink lots of wine! My best friend Jen made me my favorite cake...almond cake! (BTW - The Frio post will have "The Great Tale of the Crazy Frio Cake Lady & the Almond Cake".) It was a really great birthday.

So there is a quick update just so I don't get so far behind that I simply don't want to blog anymore. I'm going to be better this month....I promise. And my most sincere apologies to my blogging friends for being M.I.A for most of the month.

A trivial question....

Riddle me this.....

Do you pass or fail a pregnancy test?
I shall ask my doctor that question!!!!

Though it is very, very early.......I know miscarriage is still very possible.
And we are in no way announcing anything for quite some time.....
it was definitely an immediate dark line positive this morning!
I have some of the symptoms that are screaming "yes, you know you are!!"

I guess I can get pregnant quite easily, but...
just not with a healthy, normal pregnancy.
I think I may rather deal with infertility than go through what happened last time again.

(Any of my lovely readers here who are dealing with the heartbreak of infertility, please feel free to throw something at me, I really do completely understand and you sweet, sweet ladies are in my prayers for a quick conception).

So.......
I'm excited
I'm terrified
I'm praying!!

Please God!......can we please keep this little one?