Holy Week--the Timeline Thought Through

Jessica over at Scottish Twins wrote this post last weekend, and it was so thought-provoking for me I asked her if I could share it over here.  I edited it just a little to take out personal references, but otherwise this is her thought process as it flows--which I found fascinating, and thought you might enjoy reading too. 

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .


Happy Palm Sunday, sisters!  Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!!

I spent yesterday morning preparing my homeschool curriculum for the coming week.  I decided it would be fun to make a book with the kids starting today, Palm Sunday, in which each page equals one day of the week.  They can fill it with Bible verses, pictures and other symbols that represent what happened that day in Jesus' life leading up to the Resurrection.

In doing my planning, I ran into the same stumbling block I find every year, but always find I am too busy to study in depth - the fact that Good Friday is not three days and three nights prior to the Resurrection, as Jesus said it would be (Matthew 12:40).  And since I know that the Bible cannot contradict itself, I knew there had to be a logical explanation for this and I wanted to figure it out before I started my lessons with the kids.

Before I get into this, I just want to say that none of this really matters in the grand scheme of things.  I mean, we celebrate Jesus' birth on a day that we all know is nowhere near the real date of His birth on our calendars.  The point of Christmas is that He WAS born and the point of Easter is that He DID die and WAS Risen!  The rest is just details, but it's still fun to study......at least for me, a total theology geek.

So, traditionally Holy Week goes like this - Palm Sunday is the Sunday before Resurrection Sunday, Maundy Thursday follows and celebrates the Last Supper/washing of the disciples' feet, Good Friday commemorates the death of Jesus, and Easter Sunday obviously celebrates the Resurrection.  Technically, Easter Sunday isn't a part of Holy Week for Catholics, but it is in our family :)

Here is what we know from the Bible:

1. In John 2:1, Jesus was in Bethany six days before the Jewish Passover and requested that His disciples fetch a donkey for the trip to Jerusalem (this would have been Friday night/Saturday morning according to the Jewish calendar).  That night, Saturday night, a dinner was given in His honor (John 12:2).
2. The next morning (during the daylight hours of Sunday), Jesus entered Jerusalem (John 12:12-15).
3. He was crucified and died just as the Jews' Passover lamb was being slaughtered (on 14 Nisan according to the Jewish calendar), which fulfilled Scripture.
4. Jesus said He would be inside the earth for three days and three nights following His death, just as Jonah was in the belly of the whale for that long - another fulfillment of Scripture.
5. John 19:31 tells us that the Sabbath day following His death was a High Day - a Jewish Holiday (Passover).
6. Mary went to the tomb before the sun was up on the first day of the week (late Saturday night or early Sunday morning according to the Jewish calendar) and found that Jesus had Risen.

OK, so those are the clues that the Bible tells us about the timeline of Jesus' death.  Throughout history, the Church has assumed that Jesus had to have died on Friday, because He died the day before the Sabbath, and in fact, they were trying to rush the deaths by breaking legs so that it could be done by sun-down, when the Sabbath began.  Since the Jewish Sabbath takes place on Saturday, His death had to be on Friday, right?

There Were Two Sabbath Days in a Row

Jews also count their High Holy Days (mentioned above in John 19) as Sabbath days - days like Rosh Hashannah, Yom Kippur, and also the first and seventh days of Passover.  It just so happens that Jesus was crucified the day before Passover, on the day of preparation when the lamb is slaughtered.  The day following his death would have been Passover - a High Holy Day and Sabbath Day.  Both Friday and Saturday were Sabbath days that week.

The Lord's Supper was the Lord's Passover

The day before Passover, when Jesus died, is 14 Nisan on the Jewish calendar (it is discussed in detail in Leviticus 23:5).  As with all Jewish days, it begins at sundown.  On 14 Nisan at sundown there is a special meal called the Lord's Passover, which commemorates the Exodus of the Jews.  This isn't a typical Passover seder, but rather a special meal consisting of only wine and unleaven bread.  THIS is the meal that we call the Last Supper, in which Jesus gave instructions for Communion to His disciples.  This meal was not a Passover seder, as many think.

Passover Couldn't Have Been on Saturday

If the day before Passover had been Friday, when most people think Jesus died, and Passover fell on Saturday, Jesus couldn't have arrived in Jerusalem on Sunday.  John 12:1 says that Jesus was in Bethany six days before Passover.  Instead, Passover had to have been on Friday, putting Jesus in Bethany on Saturday, when He requested His disciples to get a donkey so He could arrive in Jerusalem on Sunday.

The Real Timeline

On the year that Jesus died, 14 Nisan began on sundown Wednesday.  So, Jesus ate the Last Supper with His disciples on Wednesday night.  After the sun rose on Thursday, at 9:00 am, He was crucified, and at 3:00 pm He died (Matthew 27:46-50).  Once the sun went down on Thursday night, it became 15 Nisan on the Jewish calendar (the first day of Passover - a High Holy Day and Sabbath), at which time the Passover lamb that was slaughtered during Jesus' crucifixion was eaten.  The day following Passover was the Jews' normal weekly Sabbath.  This explains why no one went to the tomb earlier - it was another Sabbath.

14 Nisan = sundown Wednesday/sundown Thursday = Lord's Passover/Lord's Supper = day of preparations for Passover = Jesus crucified (9:00 am) and died (3:00 pm) Thursday = Day 1 of Jesus in the earth after death
15 Nisan = sundown Thursday/sundown Friday = PASSOVER = SABBATH DAY = Night 1 and Day 2 of Jesus in the earth after death
16 Nisan = sundown Friday/sundown Saturday = SABBATH DAY = Night 2 and Day 3 of Jesus in the earth after death
17 Nisan = sundown Saturday/sundown Sunday = RESURRECTION on Sunday morning before sunrise = Night 3 of Jesus in the earth after death

This is the only way I can make sense of the timeline without any contradictions in Scripture.  If Jesus died on Friday, He would not have been in the earth three days and three nights.  At the most it would have been two days and two nights.  If He DID die on Friday, than He would have had to have been Resurrected on Monday, which we know isn't true because the Bible says Mary visited the tomb on the first day of the week - Sunday.  And then if this is the case, the Last Supper couldn't have been on Thursday, because that was when Passover began, when the Jews would have been eating the Passover lamb, and the Bible tells us that Jesus was dead before the lamb was eaten.  Therefore, the Last Supper had to have been eaten on Wednesday night - the night of the Jews' Lord's Passover, which makes more sense symbolically and because that meal typically consists only of bread and wine - the two foods mentioned in the Bible.

Like I said, none of this really matters in the grand scheme of things, as all that really matters is that Jesus died and lives again.  I just thought it would be a fun thing to research so I could better explain it to my own children.  Good Friday NEVER made sense to me and I don't want my kids to have the same confusion.

I wonder how this confusion happened?  I wonder if it was ignorance to the Jewish calendar and a lack of understanding about how Jewish Holy days work.  Scholars have been saying that these dates are wrong for centuries, but the Catholic church holds firm to tradition.  And Protestant churches have established their own traditions based on the Catholic ones. 

I think that as new information surfaces - new historical texts and documents or better understandings and translations of original texts - we need to rethink these kinds of things.  So in our curriculum plan for this week I changed our Holy Week timeline for the kids.  Their books will have the Lord's Supper (Maundy Wednesday) on Wednesday night, Jesus' death and burial on Thursday afternoon (Good Thursday), and the Resurrection on Sunday.

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .

I had always thought the three days just meant Friday was counted because Jesus died before sundown, which was when Saturday technically began for the Jews, and then Sunday would have started at sundown the next day.  So three different days would have passed by the time he arose, just not 3 complete 24 hour days. But I thought Jessica's research was really helpful--and illuminating!

It feels weird to say, "Happy Good Friday!" to you all.  But may you have a renewed connection to God the Father, through communion with His Son, by the power of His Holy Spirit this day, and this weekend.

In which I talk myself into posting the letter

All week I have debated sharing the letter I wrote to MIL.  I have questioned whether or not it is wise or loving or respectful or God-honoring to do so.  (And so I have been writing this post all weekend in bits and spurts.)

Reasons to not share the letter:

1) I was pretty blunt in the letter about the specific things that are part of our "normal" ways of relating with MIL that need to change, and  I am sure you all will be appalled. And so, knowing you will feel that way, I don't want to share it because I don't want to seem to slander her.  Also, the things I confront her about are "private" behaviors, reserved for us lucky family members--she does not (usually) act this way in front of other people, and in the public sphere (well, not consciously), and so I don't want to seem to be invading her privacy. 

2) I am still struggling with the whole "sounding self-righteous" thing, like I am sharing these things with you to get you all on my side, or to try to say I am so great at relationships or something.  Ugh.  We're in this relationship together, and I am JUST as responsible for it's current state as MIL.  I am completely culpable.  I am NOT better than her, or thinking I am.  I am sincerely just saddened by how much I and others in my life have lived out so many of our years without spiritual awareness and self-control, and have, as a result, borne "bad fruit" from it that hurt our relationships with others. I have been convicted over the years about my own need to completely own my choices, esp. with my own mouth and attitude;  MIL and I are very similar in some ways, and I too have treated my loved ones, including my husband, in very similar ways at points in my life.  I am NO better.   So not only do I want to keep growing ever closer to being the person God desires me to be, but I am also feeling responsible for my part in how things have turned out with my MIL.  I am partly to blame for how we stand, and I want to completely own my role in our relationship, and make only positive, healing, affirming choices for our future.

3) It is also awkward to post things one has written to a third party.  Not only does it feel like I'm purposefully skewing the story by only sharing my side, but it also feels like I think I'm so wise or brilliant or something, and am bestowing upon my adoring circle of admirers the fount of my wisdom. . . blah, blah, blech.  I don't want to be that person who seems to think that highly of herself and what she writes. How mortifying.

But. 

After all weekend of serious deliberation, I think I have decided to share it anyway, and just ask you all to take it in the best light possible, assuming I mean to neither puff myself up nor pull MIL down, and I will also ask you to choose for yourself if you personally feel it crosses a line of gossip, and then you are free not to read it.  (Since we all have different levels of sensitivity and different spiritual weaknesses about that.)

Reasons to share the letter:

A) I thought about sharing just parts of the letter instead, but really the whole thing is quite to the point about what our relationship has been for so long, and about what I have expressed needs to change.  I do think those expectations could possible be helpful for some of you to read, based upon what you have said to me in private.  I do think this is all part of much bigger things that God is doing in me and hopefully in my MIL too.  Maybe He will even use some of this story to work something good in one of you--I would love to think that the fairly miserable things I have gone through, and am still going through, will have some greater good!

B)  As I wrote that first point above a couple days ago, I had a HUGE moment of clarity--one of those times when I could see the situation from outside myself, as maybe the rest of the world would see it.  CRAZY.   I started by writing that it's just MIL's family who gets the fun of all the negativity, but then I realized, actually no.  Not everyone in the family gets to experience all of it.  Really, while most of the people who share life with MIL receive some degree of her negativity, DH and I get most of MIL's crazy --which of course made me stop and question why?

Imagine a person's world of relationships is like an onion, with different layers of intimacy, starting with the public realm on the outside and progressively getting smaller and more private towards the center.  I think we all do this pretty much--how much we show of our worst selves corresponds with how well we know the people around us, how much we feel like it's their job to know and/or put up with our deficiencies, and how much we feel safe with them.   So we are usually pretty nice and charming to those people we don't know very well on the outside (although not always), but we tend to let our "real" selves hang all out to those in the inner circles--first our extended family, then our close friends, then our immediate family, then--the "luckiest" person in our lives--our spouse.   

Maybe what I just wrote does not seem to fit your world, but it sure does fit mine. And so in this particular case, MIL lets a little bit of the negativity and control issues slip out to her extended family(her nieces and their husbands for example), then quite a bit more to her immediate family (her mother and sisters), then a little more to DH's sister and her husband, and then a lot more to DH himself, and then seems to sometimes hold nothing back with me.  (I am purposefully not going to comment on her relationship with FIL or any friends, because they are not my business, but I will say she respects her husband to the extent she is able and does not rant about him in front of us, while she does rant about us in front of him. So that is worth noting, because it suggests DH and then I are personally at the very bottom of the pecking order.  But it also means that FIL is a wonderful man and we all know it. : ) 

So it is really interesting why I, the person at the bottom of the pecking order, would be on the very inner circle of intimacy (if showing one's worst self = intimacy), because I am the "outsider," the person who married into the family who does not belong, and even during that Monday's rant she argued that I had made it very clear from even before DH and I married that I was not choosing to be part of the family.  She sees me as "other," and that partly explains the hostility.  But then, if I am the one who does not belong, the outsider, why am I one of the ones who get to see the most awful side of her?  Is she unconsciously trying to chase me away?  Is she blaming & punishing me for her misery, because life would be so much better if somehow I had never entered the picture and made everything go awry?  Or is she unconsciously testing me, to see how far she will go before she can drive me away?  Or am I somehow truly "safe"?  If so, that is one twisted compliment. 

The fact that I am on the very most inner circle of MIL's "onion" is why I am taking this relationship so seriously.  But when I was writing the other day, the meaning of the concentric circles of increasing intimacy (and sin, and misery) also really hit me, and I could "see" the onion so clearly for the first time ever.  And I realized how CRAZY it is that DH and I are on the inner circles of misery, and it is because WE HAVE CHOSEN TO BE.  The reason MIL does not let the yucky stuff fly with extended family (like the cousins we spend holidays at their house with) is because she knows they will call her on it, and she is smart enough not to put herself into that awkward position of being challenged for her behavior in front of others.  She knows she can't get away with it.  But DH and I, on the other hand. . . we have PUT OURSELVES into this place of being the easy, available targets.  We are not in this vulnerable and painful position because we chose to be in relationship with her, but because we have chosen to be enablers in relationship with her. 

I mentioned the other day that about 10 years ago there was a pivotal event, and it forever changed the course of my/our relationship with MIL, for the better.  One of the revelations that came out of that event was the realization that DH and I were reaping what we had sown ever since we got married.  For the first five years of marriage we had allowed MIL to dictate so much of our lives, and had hidden our true selves, and had pretty much been malleable and weak and soft in all the ways we should not have been, and so when suddenly something mattered and I was trying to take a stand, it did not work at all.  And in my shock, God was able to whisper to me, and show me that for those five years we had taught MIL that she had control over us in ways that were not right, and not really true.  We had always just done whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, and put up with anything she threw at us (but only when we were with her of course), and it was always done purely from good motives: to respect DH's parents and to try to keep peace.

Although writing that, I just realized it is not true.  It's partly true, and what we were trying to aim for, yes.  But clearly the #1 factor in how we were relating to her was FEAR.

C)  And maybe that is the biggest reason why I want to write about all this--because I am starting to come out from under years of living under legalism and being motivated by unhealthy things like fear and insecurity and feeling like I have to earn love, that I have to prove my worth.  Feeling that I have to defend my right to be treated well.  I don't want to live in fear anymore, and right now I am a little fearful of sharing the letter, because of how you all might view me or how in theory I would be hurting MIL's feelings if she knew.  Forget that.  In this one area of my life, I am tired of always trying to be perfect and please everyone else. 

I am also sick and tired of glossing over other people's hurting me.  Even defending their mistreatment.  Part of me being the problem and enabling the sin is that I try to deflect the consequences of a person's bad choice away from them, to almost buffer them from the harm they are causing themselves and others!  This might be partly just the way I am wired, because I am a people pleaser at heart, but I have been doing it to an unhealthy extent, for a long time, and esp. with my MIL.  I have to stop protecting her from the consequences of what she has been doing for so long.

D)  Also, God has been showing me a lot of Scripture recently about the sin happening in the dark, and how bringing things out into the light brings understanding, freedom, and healing.  (I started to share verses here, but it was too hard to write it all out, since I felt like I had to interpret them as a theologian, so if you want to know verse just ask me and I will share them!)  The bottom line is that
I want to speak plainly, but respectfully, of what has happened, and get it out in the light. Because if I don't talk about it, because of worrying about being disrespectful to MIL, it's like I am still pretending all is well.  Like I am living in fear.  Like I am still covering over the sinful behavior to shield it from the bold, uncompromising light of day.

But fear lurks in the darkness, and sin thrives there.  I'm so tired of darkness.  I want freedom, and exposure, so healing can REALLY begin.

E)  Finally, I wondered to myself the other day in the car if there was a group of people with whom I could share this part of the story without feeling like I was gossiping or slandering my MIL.  I realized yes--a private therapy group.  So, you are all now officially my private therapy group, and we all know that means the things I say here are confidential, so I am going to assume you all are trustworthy. : )  Just please remember the "But" above, and the context in which I am sharing this.


May God's light shine fully in all of our lives today, for His Good purposes!  AMEN.

Update on Things with MIL, Pt. 5

I sincerely hope you are pacing yourself reading these.  I have never written this much in one 24 hour period before, but I have really been putting it off and yet wanting to do it, and so I am jumping on the opportunities I suddenly have and making myself do it and get it done. But you are under no such obligation!  So if you want to read all these, please spread them out and don't give yourself eye strain.  

(Also, I know some of you get what I write delivered to your inbox--does it also email you if I make updates?  Just so you know, I often go back and revise and clarify and proofread further after publishing (seeing it against the blog background sometimes helps me see it in new light. : ), so reading it on the blog and not in emails will also help you read anything I write with the most accuracy.  Just consider that an FYI. : )


OK, so now we are back to that fateful Monday morning.

After MIL and I had that brief clash, she and DH talked for a few more minutes, then DH went outside to talk to his dad, who was working on the truck, before he went to work.  I took a deep breath, and then went into the living room so MIL and I could just clear the air.  With a calm and casual manner, I said I wanted to clarify what I had been trying to say earlier, when I had started to interject in the conversation she was having with DH.  You see, she wants him to get things done around here, but is always telling him how he can't do the work, how he doesn't know how to do the work, how only FIL can do it, how he needs to figure out when FIL can come down and do the work for him.  So I was speaking very nicely, but was asking her to consider if she is aware of the messages she is sending DH and if they are really the messages she wants to be sending him.

MIL did not even let me finish.  She interrupted me and proceeded to go on and on and on and on and on (about 40 minutes) about all manner of things under the sun, all of them about me, most of them untrue, and all of them unkind or none of her business.  I tried to summarize here some of the things she said, just so you would see how random they were, and how purposefully over-the-top negative--but I tried to write and then had to delete it twice, because it just sounds like I am ragging on her like she was ragging on me.  It would just be slandering her to say specifics, because they are so not what nice Christian women say to anyone out loud.  So instead, I'll share the things I thought were relevant about the whole conversation:

--MIL was really in a tirade, but she was oddly impassionate.  I mean, we all understand when someone gets upset and says mean things on purpose to hurt someone, out of the fuel of their momentary anger.  But this was different--she was ranting and interrupting, but there was no yelling, no passion.  It was more of a loud discussion, but the things coming out were so pointed to slander and stab that the juxtaposition was bizarre.  This was a sign to me of some underlying weariness with it al, which could be good.

--Through all of this, I was calm and collected.  I did raise my voice at times to be heard, or to be emphatic, and there were times I sounded frustrated, but I never lost my cool or was disrespectful.  This is entirely because of God having prepared me.

--I didn't get insulted or upset.  Which, if you know me, is HUGE.  I seriously can't even remember most of the things she said about me, which is not normal.  (I tend to absorb harmful words and remember them later and dwell on them, which I am trying not to do now.)  So this is also the power of the Holy Spirit in that moment, that I didn't really absorb any of the malice, but was able to honestly just care about her and I working through it.  The goal was not proving her wrong, but reconciliation. Wow--just typing that gave me a shiver, because that is so clearly God and not me.

--I tried to help her let go of things that don't really matter, and asked her questions to try to get to the heart of the issues.  For example, when she complained that we never involve them in important decisions, like buying this house, I said You are absolutely right.  And we've talked about this before. You know why we didn't involve you in the decision.  She then interrupted to divert the conversation, but I brought her back to that important point: Because of how you get upset when we don't choose the way you would choose.  It is awkward to speak those painful truths aloud, but with all the untruth and unkindness flying about, it made it easier.  Throughout the whole conversation I kept trying to point to truth, trying to speak plainly about where we stand now, her and I in relationship.  Ok, so we choose differently than you would.  You have to let it go.  These are not the decisions you get to make.  These are our decisions. How do you and I move forward in relationship now, even if we disagree?

--But I am sure nothing that I said had any impact whatsoever. MIL was not in a place to hear anything logical or true, she just had all this stuff built up in her and wanted to get it out.  So while all the ugly was highly personal, it was also oddly impersonal--like it was not really about me, so much as about her own unhappiness.   She would make statements and accusations, I would ask her to defend them, or explain, or ask her where the middle ground was in that example, so she and I could come to some understanding, so this could all be helpful to our growth--but she would just jump to another topic and make different statements and accusations.  It was feint and dodge, feint and dodge, getting nowhere.

--The old hurts and harms went back all the way to before DH and I were married.  This was the most significant part of the whole event to me, because it showed just how long MIL has been collecting grievances.  : (  This is some serious spiritual bondage. 

--And the end result was that I was frustrated that we could not actually communicate at that moment, when there was clearly so much we needed to get out, work through, and resolve.   (I want to clarify that I did not raise any grievances against MIL--at no point did I bring up her flaws, or how she has hurt me, etc.  It was all listening to MIL and trying to speak honestly and point to truth--no defense of myself, no accusations in response, no rebuttals.  This was a time for her,  not for me.)

But finally, the kids woke up and came out, so MIL and I just mutually agreed there was really no way to end the discussion with resolution, and left it at that.  I made breakfast, we ate, FIL got the truck fixed and MIL rushed them away, to our mutual relief.

When the truck had gone, I was practically weak from the stress, but I was also strangely energized.  Because I realized God had finally answered my questions.  He was saying, This is what I care about.  Now is the time to confront. 

And the best part was that I was now completely free to do so!  Here I had been dreading the confrontation I knew would be coming, worrying how I would do it, not wanting to hurt feelings or stir up trouble.  But here MIL had just solved that dilemma by being the one to break the peace, so I did not have to.  And her openness made it not only acceptable, but necessary for me to speak with equal openness.  Amen! 

This being the children's first day back home after their long Christmas holiday, I had no intentions of doing school.  We were still on break, and it was perfect--they played, they read, and I pretty much sat at the computer all day writing MIL a letter. 


(More to come later!)

P.S. It is so awkward to write all this, and this is partly why I kept not writing it.  I don't want to sound like I am all proud of myself for handling this all so well--actually, I am AMAZED at how well God was able to use me, because I let him.  I am sure I'm not doing this perfectly, but it doesn't matter--I'm trying to listen and then obey.  And so that's why I am telling you all this--because this is a God story.  All of what happens with me & MIL is part of the God story, and I really want to share it with you.  So can you please not think it's about me and what a great DIL I am, or how I'm so much better than MIL or something.  She and I are really in the same boat, and are very similar in a lot of ways--and literally, there but for the Grace of God go I.  We both need to keep growing.  But I'm just thankful that God is helping me see how to grow, and is walking along side me so clearly at time like this.  I seriously feel like this is one of those times when it seemed like He spoke directly to my spirit.  It amazes me, and I feel so blessed.   

Update on Things with MIL, Pt. 4

Once again, I find I need to backtrack a little before I resume the story. Because I forgot to tell you one thing that is a really important part of the story.

Remember back in Dec, when MIL emailed about how we had ruined Christmas forever for her?  Remember I said I was not really surprised?  Well, I wasn't surprised for two reasons: first, because MIL has said this same thing to us several times before over the years, and the holidays are often a time that brings up those old  hurts.  But second, and most importantly, I had been feeling the nudging of the Holy Spirit for several months, telling me that I was getting too complacent again, too settled into "as peaceful as possible," too afraid of rocking the boat to be a positive influence in my relationship with MIL.  And it's true.  Things have been slowly but steadily going downhill in our relationship for about 6 months or so, and I know we have to turn it around.  It's time to let the Holy Spirit shake us up a little, get us back to be intentional in our choices with one another and actively working towards righteousness living together.

Ever since we had a pivotal moment in our relationship (and in my own growth as a person) about 10 years ago, she and I go through phases of peace and clashing, based upon our temperments and how much we are choosing to let go or confront.  The pivotal moment was a confrontation--the first time I ever attempted to stand up to my MIL, and while I did not succeed, it was really good and important because God spoke to me through it in huge ways.  Since then the pattern has been:

--I confront her about something that needs to change (often in face to face conversation, but for really big things I write letters)

--We have a period of separation which we all pretend is because of busy schedules, etc. But the time of not seeing one another is really good, because we can be mad if we want, but then have time to cool down and seek God.  We have time for ideas to simmer, and for us to realize our role and to then choose better for down the road.  I'd say this separation time usually lasts 1-3 months.

--She does not acknowledge the confrontation, but when we do see each other again, there is always--always--some fruit.  Whatever I had confronted her on will be improved, sometimes completely.

--We enjoy a period of peace and getting along.  We are both working hard to please the other, and to do our parts to keep peace and grow our relationship.

(Sometimes it may not look to the outside world that this is happening, because it might still include lots of harsh words, etc. but I can see the things MIL is doing and not doing to purposefully choose to move forward in our relationship as a family, and that is worth celebrating.)

--Then after some time (sometimes less time, sometimes more--usually around 6 months to 1 year) we both start to slip into old ways of relating--those old familiar patterns that are so hard to unlearn.  She might start to be a little less patient, might start letting the stinging tongue fly a little more, and in response I start to panic and freeze up inside, but outwardly smile and go along with things as best I can to avoid conflict.  I start to try to be as good as I can be, to look ahead for potential potholes, to hide the parts of me and our lives that are the most unbearable or irritating for MIL.  In other words, I fall under legalism and false living, and start catering to the sin.  And it never helps.

--MIL starts to get worse and worse, and so time spent with them gets less and less pleasant, and DH and I keep enabling and enabling, because we are so trained to avoid conflict, until finally there is something that I have no choice but to speak out about--or until the Holy Spirit convicts and emboldens me. 

--When so convicted, I can then summon up my courage, and confront her again.  And then the cycle starts over.

I am not trying to make it sound like I am personally responsible for all the good and growth that has happened in our relationship. No, but it is very true that the times that I have confronted her have led to growth for both of us.  I do not accept responsibility for that--that is only God's doing, so He gets any credit.  I can only take credit for asking God to show me what's going on, having my eyes open to the pattern, and sometimes being brave (or obedient) enough to stop sinning for a while in the relationship--when I put it that way, it doesn't sound like much to be puffed up about, does it? 

When I slip back into the easy thing of being a people pleaser, then it is too easy for MIL to slip back into being. . . whatever the issue is.  Or maybe another way to look at it: when I am asking and trusting and depending upon the Holy Spirit to love through me, and insist that He be our standard of communication, it somehow helps MIL be free to do the same.  It's like we are recalibrating together, based upon the Truest standard. 

But when we help MIL fall back into harmful patterns of relating--not allow (passive), but help (active)--then we are sinning too. 

OK, so a few months before Christmas, things were starting to hit the "old ways" part of the cycle, and I could feel the Holy Spirit nudging me.  Whispering, hey, wake up.  It's time. 

Time to get uncomfortable.  Time to grow some more.

Basically, I knew God would want me to confront MIL about something, and that it was going to be scary and painful but necessary and He was getting me ready.  So when the old "Christmas ruined because of stuff" came up, I started asking God, "Is this it?  Is this what I'm supposed to confront MIL about?"  But I did not hear confirmation back in the affirmative.  I still did not know. I prayed for those several weeks before Christmas, not knowing how the holidays together were going to go down, asking God to just make it very clear what to say, and when.  Because while things were starting to get worse, it was slow and subtle--and I really did not want the one to rock the boat, to seem to start a conflict.  How could I confront MIL about serious, sensitive issues between us when she was overall still being fairly nice?  It would seem unjust, and even insensitive. I was dreading it, whatever it was. 

Until God told me  This. Now.


(to be continued!)

Update on Things with MIL, Pt.3

Monday morning.  My poor MIL. 

I should pause for a moment and explain that while we were up in Chico for Christmas, MIL and FIL and MIL's mother were all recovering from some kind of bad cold, and were still coughing and clearly not feeling 100% normal, even though they all said were fine.   So now here they had just skipped church and driven down five hours to bring the kids back to us, because of the trouble with FIL's truck, which was not our fault but which necessitated the change in plans and which definitely inconvenienced them more than we would have liked.  Then they were now at our house, a place that MIL already finds stressful and unpleasant for so many reasons.  She still had a bad cough, and she was likely tired from taking care of extra people for almost 2 weeks, and with her back hurting the whole time.  And I am betting she had packed up ALL THE TOO MUCH STUFF for the kids (we had packed up all the gifts and brought them back with us, so the only things needed packing were the kids clothes and their backpacks, which had their water bottles, books for the car, etc.) without asking for help so her back was probably really hurting her by the time they got to our place--and then she and FIL spent the night sleeping out in the freezing cold on foam mattresses in the back of FIL's pickup truck. 

I am sharing all this detail because I really want to tell you this story but not be unfairly hard on MIL. I want to show how much she was working hard to actively show love to us, and how much she sacrificed for it.

Of course, this is all actually their choice, which they insist upon doing, even the sleeping in the truck.  They own a motorhome, but they don't like to drive it because it uses too much gas and is a pain to back into the driveway.  Also, they always want to bring firewood with them, which they can't do it they drive the motorhome. So they don't bring the motorhome when they come to stay with us.  They also own a big van that has seats that fold down to make beds and that has a little kitchenette and closet.  They used to drive that down, hauling a trailer full of firewood.  But then something happened to the trailer so they can't use it to haul wood anymore, and so now they choose to load up FIL's big pickup truck with wood and drive it down instead. We all help empty it immediately after they arrive and then they clean out the truck bed and lay down foam mattresses and turn that into their private space for the duration of the stay.  As you can see, they care so much about bringing us firewood that they gladly sacrifice their own energy and comfort for it.  They spend a lot of time and money and physical exertion buying and then loading and unloading that wood, and then they get to sleep in what must be a fairly uncomfortable bed for their troubles. And they are not young people, either, although clearly they are tough and practical, and I appreciate both of those qualities in them--but c'mon, that must not feel good when waking up in the morning.

They usually don't complain, and insist it is comfortable and quite warm when they have been in there a while, but once in a while MIL lets a comment slip that shows it is really not all that comfortable.  I imagine the worst parts are not having a bathroom and having to move around (and dress!) in a crouch.

And while it used to be that they could get really good wood for cheap, because of all the orchards around Chico, that's not the case anymore, and so there is really no point to them making all these sacrifices for us.  We live in a heavily wooded area, with local orchards too.  But this is just one way they want to show their love, and if they insist upon doing it,  how can we say no?  (I prefer to save my "no's" for things that really matter.) The only problems are A the guilt that I sometimes feel directed at us for all the sacrifice they are making for us because of the wood, which I just try not to allow myself to accept.  And B, the problem of MIL and FIL having likely crappy night's sleep when they are here, and likely feeling like we are not appreciating them, and maybe even on some level feeling cast out from our lives, as we are all warm and cozy in our house and they have to go sleep out in the cold and uncomfortable truck.

I also feel a little guilt because I am really glad they go sleep elsewhere, and I don't care if it's in a truck as long as it is not in my house.  I do not at all want them to be uncomfortable, but really, we all need even just a little space away, a little break from one another during visits, and that is really hard to come by in a house the size of ours!  They come into the house before 7 (which you realize means they come into the equivalent of our bedroom at 7) and then stay (in our bedroom) until often 11 at night.  The only reprieve we ever get from each other's company is when I invent errands to run alone (sometimes legitimate ; ), or when I'm working in the kitchen and don't need help and MIL goes to read with the kids or browse facebook (thank the Good Lord for facebook and touchpads).  You can appreciate how that much time together without break would get a little strained after a while, even for people who genuinely like and are comfortable around each other!  So while we have offered to give them our bed when they visit, or a blow up on the floor, I am very relieved that they always decline, saying their pickup "bed" is perfectly good.

Except we all know it is probably not really, esp. when you are getting older and are sick and cold and in pain!  So that Sunday night DH and I tried to encourage them to swap with us and take our bed while we stayed in the truck, but they were insistent.  They even declined the heater we tried to foist on them, since it was getting down to the upper 30's in the night.  So all this is to say that I think these things are all very relevant to how things went down Monday morning. 

Like the Titanic.

The kids were fast asleep (tired from all the late nights and excitement at Oma and Opa's, and happy to be back in their own cramped beds ; ) that morning when MIL came in the house around 7:30.  FIL was already working on repairing his truck, I was making breakfast, and DH was getting ready for work.  MIL started in on her son there in the living room, giving him a hard time for the beds not being done, and saying things like how our children's little hearts were absolutely crushed when they realized the beds were not done.  I stepped away from the kitchen to defend DH, and MIL immediately rebuked me for entering into a conversation that I was not a part of.  I just took a deep breath, bit my tongue, and resumed work in the kitchen.  But my heart was racing, and I had the weight of certainty on me--I knew we could not just leave it at that.  Once DH was gone, MIL and I  were going to have to find resolution to the conflict that had just reared its head between us.  And it was probably not going to be pretty.  But it was time, and it was necessary, and with God's grace and the power of the Holy Spirit, it might even end up Good.


(Again, to be continued.  I'm writing as fast as I can in the breaks I have--really nice ones today, unexpectedly!--and might be able to post more tonight)

Update on Things with MIL, Pt. 2

Continued from previous post. . .


See, way back at Thanksgiving we had made plans for the kids to stay at Oma and Opa's house for a week at Christmas.  (MIL had requested two weeks with the kids this past summer, instead of the traditional one week of VBS, but we had too much going on to do it then.)  But now here it was time to leave the kids for a week, and MIL was in pain.  I really did not want to leave them, but she insisted.  She would have been mad and hurt if we changed the plans, and I knew the kids would not really be hard to handle (they would just play and read all day, they can bathe themselves and the older ones can help the youngers, so in theory MIL could have taken perfectly good care of them while resting on the couch the whole week).  So, we went ahead and left them.  I don't see how we could have chosen differently, and yet I wish we could have, because I think it ended up being too hard on MIL.

So we had been up in Chico for about 3 days total for Christmas (we have learned that shorter is better) and then we left the kids about 10 days--until the first weekend of the new year.  That time without kids we spent doing so much of the bed planning and purchasing, etc. I detailed in the last post, and DH also did end of the year insurance stuff  and paperwork (and squeezing in eye appointments).  Oh, and we also had the septic emptied, which takes a whole day of back-breaking digging for DH to uncover and then re-cover the ancient thing.  So the time went quickly, and was for the most part a nice break, and a productive one.

I fear it was not a nice break for my MIL though.  I think the stress of taking care of so many people first over the Christmas part (her mother, all of us) and then the week after (even though our kids are really self-sufficient, and are of an age to be really helpful, MIL was likely doing more fancy cooking and trying to take them places and show them a good time then she should have been doing, and not letting them help her either) and the pain, combined with understandable post-holiday let-down was just too much for her.  They brought the kids down to us that first Sunday in January (we were supposed to meet them halfway, but had swapped cars with them so they could have our mini-van with the car seats, but then FIL's truck would not start, so they had to drive all the way down so FIL could replace a part, which he did Monday morning).  And as soon as MIL stepped out of the car she started verbally attacking me. And so of course immediately I was riled and in fight or flight mode.

See, as MIL informed me so clearly, I packed too much.  I packed WAY too much clothing, way more than anyone ever would ever need to pack.  I packed WAY TOO MUCH clothing for the children, WAY MORE than they needed, and it was such a pain to keep track of and pack and they never even wore it, MIL just kept washing the same outfits every night so they DIDN"T EVEN NEED ALL THE CLOTHES I had packed, which were WAY TOO MUCH. I should NEVER pack so much clothing.  She keeps telling me not to pack so much and telling me and I still ALWAYS pack TOO MUCH. 

For an almost 2 week visit, I had packed each child 4 outfits (top + pants + socks), plus one church outfit, 5 undies, and one pair of pajamas. This seems very reasonable to me--even on the conservative side.

Then before we left Chico I had washed the clothes, then folded and organized them on shelves in the guest room, one shelf to a child, so each child had a clearly designated space for clothing, and all the pieces of outfits together so there would be no fuss.  There was no need for any laundry to be done, if the kids wore each outfit twice, esp. considering they received some clothes from Oma for Christmas. So the woman with the hurt back would have no need to be doing laundry for my kids, and really would not even need to help the kids with their clothes at all.

Of course it seems like more when it is packed up, because each child also had a winter coat, a hoodie, a vest, and hat & gloves.  Necessary but bulky things.

But perhaps it seemed like TOO MUCH because of the additional clothes MIL went out and BOUGHT the kids that week, AND the clothes she gave them for Christmas, AND the clothes that her sister handed down to her, which she then decided to give Sunny and Merry.  Including THREE hoodies.  You realize how much space three extra adult hoodies take up in a bag?

And I am also guessing that it seemed like TOO MUCH because of all the laundry she did that she didn't have to do, and clearly should not have done, because of her back.  Also, I have a feeling it seemed like TOO MUCH because she packed up everything herself and did not ask for help, and was in pain the whole time, which would make anyone crabby.

In other words, the whole tirade I was greeted with was so unfair and illogical, and those happen to be hot buttons of mine--being blamed for things for which I am not responsible, and using against me things that it feels like everybody else in the world would agree are good and logical things.

So I just chose to greet them and the children quickly, and then carry things into the house and stay there until after the tirade, which MIL then turned on DH because of the size of the bags we had left at their house for the return packing, which were WAY TOO BIG and just all-around wrong and did I mention WAY TOO BIG.  I could hear it going on through the windows, but I was removed enough that I could take some deep breaths and pray to the Good Lord to help me stay calm and to show me how to love in this situation. 

And so I was able to be pretend all was well, and MIL must have gotten it out of her system (and perhaps even realized how she had been going on and was able to take a few deep breaths herself and choose better) because we had a nice evening overall.  There was one moment after the kids were in bed when the conversation of us four adults there in the living room suddenly turned sour, and got a little tense, but we were able to recover and end the night well.

But the next morning. . . .  Sigh. . . .


(I know, I'm making this all dramatic, but these really are the best breaking places in the story!  Part 3 to come hopefully by tomorrow--because this is all for a reason, something happening in my life right now that is best understood with all the background story.)

Update on things with MIL--Pt 1

I started this post yesterday afternoon. . .


This is one of the posts that I have been wanting to write for a while, but just could not get up the energy for.

It is also what was going one month ago when I wrote about a day of girlfriend time and an overload of tea and chocolate--and when I'm done explaining, I think you will see why I over-indugled that day/week. ; )

But it has also been hanging over me a little, and it's time to write. Let's see what I can do in the hour of quiet I'm enforcing here at home this afternoon!

So, it all started several weeks before Christmas. (This is your cue to grab a mug of your favorite warm beverage and something to munch on--sustenance for the journey.)  MIL sent me an email saying she was already feeling upset about Christmas, and reminding me of all the ways we have hurt and rejected her in the past, and "I will never get over that and it has forever ruined Christmas shopping for me."  (that's a direct quote) 

Now I am going to gloss over this whole issue of gift-giving as a huge language of unlove and manipulation and all kinds of unhealthy stuff, because it is really a discussion for another post.  (A post I do hope to make sometime, because I need to think it all through, and writing about it helps me--as do your responses!)  But let's just say I was not surprised, either by her feeling those things or by telling them to me at the most awkward time possible (when we are in the middle of talking gifts).  And actually, I thought it was great that she took the time to write out her feelings, and communicate them to me, and I told her that in my email response.  I ended by trying to be positive and refocus us both on better things:

"Last Christmas seemed like the best Christmas we have ever had together as a family. I don't remember specifically what we did differently, but I do remember reading the Christmas story together, and somehow having more of an emphasis on celebrating the birth of Jesus, and more attention on us all having fun together than all the fun stuff we gave and received.  Whatever we did right last year, let's do again this year!" 

And to that she replied:

"You mentioned you had a good time last year.... remember we left and headed to Colorado."

Which literally had me laughing out loud.  Oh, MIL, trying to turn any good thing I say around to make it bad. : )

 

So I said back,

"The good time I was remembering from last year was with you and [Opa], so must have been before you went to CO.  I have photo evidence. ; )

Clearly there is a lot we could say about this issue between us, and which we should say, if it will promote complete healing in our relationship. I am wondering if we should defer the rest of the conversation until after the holidays; talking about it when it is not gift-giving/receiving time will most likely help keep us from further bruising." 

And then finished with some other business and niceties. She did not respond to that last email, but when we went up to their house for Christmas, she was happy and gracious and seemed to have her heart in a great place and we had a lovely time.  A really nice Christmas, not without its awkward or painful moments, but with way more good things happening than otherwise.  In other words, MIL did an amazing job of letting go of the hurt and choosing to enjoy Christmas, and to be kind and loving. I would even say she was being forgiving, except I know she hasn't actually forgiven us, and this all will resurface again--but she was able to act forgiving while we were together, and that in itself is a beautiful, healthy thing.

But MIL had also hurt her back, and was in pain the entire time--she never complained, but it was clear she was hurting.  Even while in pain she did all the usual things to take care of us, and barely let me help with things.  Fortunately, MIL's sister was out of town, so MIL was the night-time caregiver for her mother, which meant she had to stop doing things at her own house and head down to her mother's house every night at 9 pm.  I am so glad for that, because I think that allowed her to have more relaxing time in the evenings than she would have had otherwise (she often bustles around her own kitchen until midnight or later when we are there), and hopefully she got more sleep.  And with MIL gone earlier, I could get to sleep earlier too, which I think was also very helpful for keeping things going well during the day!  Finally, it was really helpful to not have opportunities for late-night conversations; those can quickly veer into dangerous territory--we all understand how it is easier to let guards on our tongue slip after a long day, or to be irritable when we have been around people all day, etc.

The problem came when it was time to leave. . . .


To be continued. . . Not to sound all dramatic, but that's all I could write last night during quiet time. : ) 

mending

Today I had a little bit of time in the afternoon to do something productive, and so I brought out the big bag of Things To Be Mended, which always seems to maintain the same volume no matter how much I mend, and which has been mocking me from the bottom of my closet for a few weeks now.  Today I actually pulled it out, got the sewing kit out, and started work--even though I had a lingering headache and really didn't feel like doing it.  Going through all the closets is one of the things I've been working on since our Christmas break--not just "out with the old, in with the new," although I have been doing that too, but a more systematic re-assessment of what is working in how we use the closet space, what needs to change, what is taking up valuable real-estate that is not worth it any more and needs to be moved elsewhere, etc. So attacking this seemingly huge bag overflowing with items to be mended just seemed the next step today.

But.  My Sunny girl has had a rough transition back into real life after the holidays, and esp. into school this week.  She was not really having trouble with the work given her--she did a good job making good choices and keeping a positive attitude about all that this week--it was more her heart had broken bond with mine, and so she has slipped back into old patterns of sassiness, interrupting, arguing, and generally disrespecting me.  Yesterday I told her it had to change, and then today there was a moment when I gently reminded her of something and she was rude back, so I gently but firmly called her out for it, and she did not handle it well, so she ended up in a time-out in the bedroom. When I went to see if she was cooled off and was ready to apologize, she didn't handle that well either, and basically kept trying to make it my fault why she did what she should not have.

But.  God has been doing such a good work in me the past couple of months, and so I knew this was happening because of the broken bond, so I stayed patient, and I stayed in the bedroom with her, listening, talking, and keeping on pointing her to truth, and finally broke through her self-focus and we ended up having a really, really good time of re-bonding.  Seriously good for both our hearts.

It also took a good 40 minutes.  When I left the room and saw it was time to make dinner and I would have to abandon the mending, I mentally grumbled, "Great. There goes the mending."

Then a little voice in my head whispered, "But you did the mending that was the most important today."

One more reminder that I want to always be willing to let go of my own do-to list, and be ready and willing to do whatever it is God has placed before me in any given moment.   It will always, always be the better thing.

Going Private--for my MIL

Some of you are still visiting with some regularity--thank you for caring and still stopping by every now and then, even when I'm not blogging as much!--and already noticed the little announcement at the top of the page.  And those of you who enjoy mega-posts--today you are in luck! Everyone else, you have been warned. ; )  Yes, the day has finally come.  I want to keep blogging, and to be able to share openly about whatever is on my heart and mind--and I want this blog to continue to feel like a safe space in which to do so. 

My main concern of course is my MIL.  When I first started blogging about our relationship, I thought it was healthier to do so with the knowledge that someday she might find the blog, and would then most definitely read it.  That thought gave me some necessary accountability, and really helped me choose my words and focus on the positive when I wrote about her and me.  But, this past Spring I started to write about me and MIL more, and with more detail and negativity.  Not that I think I've been more negative, but I have been more honest about what things have really been like for the past 18 years, which is itself negative--and which makes it all the better for anyone to appreciate how amazing things are now in comparison!  But as a result, I had three women whom I respect privately ask me if I thought it was wise to write so openly, knowing my MIL could find it.  I so appreciated their caring enough to gently question my wisdom and sensitivity.  And I listened.

You know, back when I started writing, things were pretty bad, and I did not share much of it.  What I did share, I figured if it was found by my MIL it might well make her upset (not because I was being untruthful or disrespectful, because I was really being careful not to be either, but just because I was writing about her/us at all--like finding out someone has been talking about you behind your back), but it could maybe then be an impetus for change in our relationship.  Our relationship was already so bad I really had nothing to lose, and she would not have realized then that she did have anything to lose.  So thinking about her finding the blog was a little scary, but I also felt that if it was found someday, it would likely be a relief, and maybe she would finally hear everything I have been thinking, feeling, and trying to share for years.  And maybe it would have helped her step outside of her own headspace for a bit, and help her see what her actions and words looked like from other people's point of view.  In other words, to help her see how unhealthy and sinful our relationship was--because maybe if she did not like what others saw, she would want to change that.

And let me just be brutally honest for a minute--I put up with so much crap over the past 18 years, that part of me was not overly concerned about her feelings.  She was always talking about everyone behind their backs all the time and saying much less hopeful and truthful things than I was, which understandably did not inspire me to be oversensitive to her potential feelings.   

But now. . . things are better. Miraculously so.  Our relationship has improved so much it is hard to believe.  It feels like God did His good work in me for years and years, slowly, with me fighting every step of the way because it hurt and didn't seem fair and I didn't want to do it and what about MY feelings, what about ME?  But He was persistent, and insistent that I change my heart, and grow up in Grace a bit.  He convicted me that He was calling me to LOVE my MIL (not in feelings, but in actions--doing what is loving), and so I have been slowly figuring out what that really means, and learning to depend upon Him to do it through me. 

And then it seems like He started His good work in my MIL at some point (maybe all along--only they know) and we have been seeing real fruit for going on two years now.  I think God had to grow me enough so I would recognize when MIL was growing, trying to be gracious--so I could get out of the way, and be a help and not a hindrance to it!  That does not mean the past 2 years have been all roses and sunshine--no, things have still been painful at times.  But the difference between ten or even six years ago and now is seriously staggering.

The Holy Spirit whispered to me years ago that someday my MIL would look back over the years and realize I had been a friend to her.  It was so hard to believe at the time--that was back when things were terrible, which is one way I know that was a word from God and not just my own imagination.  I could not have imagined it.  But now, things are slowly, slooooooowly starting to move in the direction of us being not just polite to one another (which for years seemed impossible) but even to be companionable with one another.  It will take a long time before anything remotely like friendship is realized--which is why I think the vision the Holy Spirit gave me was when she and I are both much older!--but I think it is now at least imaginable down the road.

Which brings me back to this post now, and the issue of making the blog private.  Before, I did not want to make my blog private just because of MIL, because it would seem like I was doing so out of fear, or from being sneaky--and I would rather my blog have been discovered by MIL than to feel like I was doing either.  But now my heart is in a different place, and I know God has entrusted me with the knowledge of just how fragile this growing relationship is, and that MIL is vulnerable--and I don't at ALL want to do anything to hurt this healing, to set back our growth!

So, I thought about keeping this blog public, but taking down anything having to do with MIL.  Hmmmmm.  There are some posts that never quite sat right with me, which I would be glad to un-publish; but there are too many other bits of our relationship story that are so heavily entwined with my own spiritual growth story, and I don't want to take them out.  God has used my MIL to grow me--as I have always said, jokingly (but not), "Nobody can send me faster to the foot of the cross than that woman!"  And ultimately, that is a good thing.  I believe He has used and is using me to grow her too.  The refining process has not been pretty, but it has so far proven fruitful, and I really and truly want to celebrate that. 

Also, I have had so many women share with me privately that they too have difficult relationships, and suffer in them.  And what I have realized is that lots of us do--but we never talk about it openly, because that would seem like complaining, or gossiping, or being malicious, or even just focusing on the negative, and those of us who are seriously desiring to please God are really trying not to do any of those things.  But this means that a lot of suffering goes on quietly, and women are at a loss for how to handle their feeling and frustrations and fears.  They could really use encouragement from other Christian women who are working through the same things--but since none of them talk about it, they don't realize they are not alone.  So I have always written in the hopes that doing so I might be able to bless someone else--and I think that has happened. 

I have always tried to write with honesty, but also respect for my MIL, and to focus on the positive.  I have been so thankful that in our whole long 18 +  years of relationship, I have never consciously sinned against MIL.  I have not lashed out in anger,  I have not said things in anger I wished I could take back, I have never tried to hurt her, I have never been glad when she was upset or hurt.  I have always tried my best to get along, to keep peace, to speak truth, to do what I can to help healing between us.  I have not done any of these things perfectly--let me say it plainer than that: I have messed up trying to do all of these things well.  BUT I have never knowingly sinned against my MIL. 

Well, to her face that is.  My biggest struggle has always been the sometimes constant thinking negative things about her.  THAT has been a huge issue for me--keeping my thought-life honoring to God.  In my own defense, it is hard to think positive things when you are yourself being force-fed a constant flow of over-the-top negative things.  For many years, I allowed my mind to be given over to the fear and worry and futile and pathetic desire to please and to dwell on all the hurtful and cruel words that had been spoken over me--and for a long time I had no control over my thoughts about my MIL.  I not only dwelled on the negative when I was with her, but when I was not with her too.  I would find myself multiple times a day nursing old wounds, or inventing conversations in which I was the victor and not the victim.  It would especially happen anytime I was doing any housework--since that was one thing that was always used by MIL to assert superiority over me, to point out my inadequacies, to lord bitter triumph over me when I inevitably failed to meet the inspection.  I realized my thought patterns had a terrible, sinful grip on me when I could not even wash the dishes without reliving or imagining negative things involving my MIL at least 20 times.  The negativity was taking over my mind--and that was crippling sin. 

And God is just now showing me another area in which I was sinning against her for all those years--I was nursing a grudge against her.  But both of these issues were not conscious sins against her, and for that I am grateful.

Over the course of many years I worked on changing those negative, sinful ways of thinking about my MIL, with God's wisdom and help, and that's why I was trying to be so careful not to sin against my MIL in what I wrote here in my blog.  I think I succeeded overall, until this past Spring.  I never said so at the time, but I fell into a dark place this past Spring.  Looking back, I see I was slipping into it even in early January, and it lasted until May.  Even after the big hold the darkness had on me was broken by God's mercy, the emotional and psychological effects of it lingered until just a few weeks ago. I think I am truly out from under it now--praise be to our Good Lord Jesus for delivering me--and I can look back now and see how I was a different person in some ways during that time.  I hid it somewhat well from the outside world, but one thing I noticed was that I was becoming more frank about how things were with my MIL here on my blog, and I was starting to write with more complaint and almost a tattling spirit.  I think I was so emotionally stricken that I stopped caring about writing carefully.  I still don't know if that ventured over into sin. . . . Was that gossip?  Was that slander?  Is it gossip anytime we mention someone else in our stories?  Is it sinful to be vulnerable in our hurting?   But I do know that it was not focusing on the positive, and was not written with the previous desire to be respectful.  I was walking wounded, and wrote out of that woundedness.

I am so thankful now that I feel healed.  Possibly in a really big, life-changing way--time will tell.  I think where I am now is an even a better place for growing in relationship with MIL.  So I want to be loving and respectful to her in anything I write.  But I also want the freedom to write my story--our story--as I feel led. 

So, it's time to make the blog private.  I realize that since I have been so sporadic in my blogging since last Spring there is a good chance that there are only a few of you still reading.  That's ok--it's good for my pride. It also makes it easier to not worry that I am depriving an appreciative world of the wealth of my insight.   (Typical blogger folly = assuming I have things to say, and everyone cares if I do or not! ; )  But those of you who are still around, I think I will need to add you manually to the approved reader list.  (Jessica, please do share any advice you have for me about this, since you have done it before.)   I do not want to assume any of you previous readers still want to be reading, so I will not add you unless you request (except for you, Mom ; )  So would you please email me at the address above (which I have added spaces to, to keep trolling spam programs from grabbing it--hope that works) if you would like me to add you?

My feelings will not be hurt if I don't get many requests.  This has never been a blog with a large readership, and now most of my old readers have moved on.  I started this blog simply as a way of sharing life with my mother, my best friend Susan, and my sisters.  Any of you who have joined my journey along the way--thank you for sharing some of it, and your presence has been a blessing to me. 

Much love to you all!

Blessed
 

Mashup of all things last weekend

I can't believe it is Friday again.  Oh, how this summer is flying by!  This week flew by particularly quickly, and so I'm just now finishing the post I started last Monday.  It's a jumble of weather, work, worries and whatnot--all the things that were part of last weekend, when my in-laws visited again.  And it's full of mental processing of what I'm learning through it all.  In other words, you have been warned. ; )

Overall the weekend went well.  The weather started out terribly and Saturday morning at the outdoor martial arts promotion the temp was in the upper 50's/lower 60's and we were shivering under fog so moisture-laden it was spitting tiny droplets.  But after a few hours, the sun burned through and the day turned beautiful--and we all got a little sunburned. Sigh.  I mention these little incidences because weather is one of those things certain people always complain about when they come visit us, as if cold fog in summer is the result of our foolish home-buying decisions, and visible signs of too much sun is a poor reflection on my ability to make wise choices for the well-being of my children.  But actually, MIL started out the weekend very well regulated, so that even the terrible weather and mild sunburns did not lead to painful conversations.  In fact, MIL was very patient and gracious with everything on Saturday, and--interpersonally speaking--we had a lovely day, all day! 

The three girls before the official event started. 

Each new black belt is escorted down to the front by a higher-ranking belt.

 

Sunny was escorted by a young man who also leads classes, and is one of her favorite instructors.

Receiving the new belt from Master Jin, the man who brought Ho Kuk Mu Sul (Korean Mixed Martial Arts) to the States.

Congratulations to the new first degree black belts!

Sunny with her two favorite instructors.

Sunny did well with her part in the black belt demonstrations, performing her sword form and leaping off of other people to break boards with kicks.  Tough little girls are so cute, and we are very proud of her.   Merry is one step behind her older sister, and will likely earn her black belt at the Winter promotions.  And then Happy is already one step behind that, so will earn hers sometime in the next couple of years.  Smiley will start martial arts sometime this next year, since he will be in kindergarten!  I can't believe it--my little guy getting so big.

random cute photo of Smiley, since we did not get any of him this past weekend. This was taken at Easter up at my in-laws'

So that was Saturday.  Sunday we went to church and it was another gorgeous day, so afterwards we went out to a restaurant on the Santa Cruz wharf and then lounged on the beach for a few minutes and then headed the scenic route home, driving as much as possible along the coast to enjoy the ocean views.  But by the time we arrived back home, when most of the afternoon was gone, MIL was starting to lose her patience.  You see, she is always conflicted when they visit us--in her mind, how can we "goof off" when there is so much work needing to  be done around our house and property?  So what we see as positive, good and even necessary family relaxation time, she sees as a waste of time.  And that starts to make her anxious, and then negative.   So MIL was a trooper on Saturday, not complaining about how we were "wasting" time, even when we lingered after the promotion event was over to play at the playground and explore a nearby creek.  But then Sunday, after we had "wasted" that whole day too, it was just too much, and after dinner when the kids were in bed and the grownups were chatting in the living room, things got negative. 

I can really understand MIL's frustration.  DH and I bought this little shack house with the intentions of fixing it up and even adding on.  In fact, we jumped right into the improvements as soon as it was officially ours, and in the first few weeks made it so much more attractive and livable.  But when we started looking into the bigger projects, and realized how expensive it is to do any remodeling in this county because of the required permits and reports, and how much of a headache it will all be because nothing about our house currently meets code, we lost momentum.  For example, permission to replace ONE interior window without enlarging or otherwise altering the wall opening is several hundred dollars, and we would be required to bring the entire wall of that window up to code, which would mean architect drawings for new framing, retroactive permits for the electrical outlets that DH and FIL have been replacing, and who knows what else.  So, suddenly replacing one window ends up costing thousands of dollars, even if we are doing the work ourselves.  (It is cheaper to install a lot of windows at once, because you can add additional windows on to the first permit for a lot less money, but that is completely unfeasible for us, given the requirement to bring the window walls up to code--essentially, that would mean rebuilding our whole little house!)  It makes me so mad, because it is clear the overzealous rules favor new construction and big budgets, and are elitist at their core.

Ok, rant over.  But I'm sure you can imagine how frustration and financial limitations could lead to despondency, and then to apathy, which is where I think my Dear Husband has remained for several years now.  We started out well after buying the house, but there was so much to do, and then that good home-improvement momentum failed, and now it has been quite a while since DH's parents have seen any real improvements to the property, and pretty much anywhere you look around the house and yard there are numerous half-completed projects, problems and eyesores begging for attention, which we seem to have just forgotten about or have resigned ourselves to live with as-is.  Like the falling-over front fence.  The gaping hole around the fireplace where the soapstone surround will be someday.  The cracked bathroom sink without a working "cold" tap.  The shoplight clamped to a curtain rod in the bedroom in lieu of a hardwired fixture.  These things we have been fine living with on temporary basis--but when temporary becomes seemingly permanent. . . it is really easy to understand why MIL has a hard time visiting without becoming upset by her surroundings.  She and FIL are can-do, hands-on people, and let me tell you, it is just about killing her that she can't do what she wants with us, and with our space, when she so desperately feels she and FIL can't keep their hands off our projects, if any of them will ever get done.

But what she forgets is that they are our projects.  And that whatever her feelings are, and however strong her desire for resolution, they actually don't matter.  She is psychologically investing herself into things that are not really her concern, and over which she really has no control.  But she has a hard time separating herself, because of course she wants the best for her kids and grandkids--which would be the opposite of what this house is--and because she believes that she and FIL are the only ones who can make the positive changes the house needs.

OK, now this is fascinating for me to be writing, because none of this is what I set out to write.  I was not going to talk about our house and projects at all, but instead the interpersonal aspects of the visit and what God is showing me through them.  But I have just realized that so much of what I just said about MIL directly translates to where I was really going.  Let's see if I can make these connections the least bit coherent. . . .

The bottom line is that we had some really good things happening interpersonally this weekend, but also some returning to old ways of relating, and old stresses.  And my MIL did a good job of letting go of some things, and being patient, and overlooking a lot. . . but then could only go so far.  Still, good for her, and thank you God! 

I think this might be the first weekend where I want to give MIL more credit for keeping the peace than I give myself.  While she did a good job Saturday of letting go of a lot, I had a harder time.  As you might have guessed from my last post before the weekend, I was doing my best to have a good attitude and expect the best of our time with family--and yet was fearful of the less-than-best.  I confess that I was anticipating negativity, and so when it did come, even if briefly, I let myself catch and dwell on it, which of course just made me all the more vulnerable to the next little bit of negativity.  In other words, I was dwelling in a too-weak heart place, and ended up being part of the problem and not the solution.  I can't be too hard on myself about this, as I know I have a bit of PTSD lingering from the worst years of our relationship and it makes me prone to fear and self-protectiveness, but I'm still disappointed.  I know in my head that God is the only One who can actually make things good, who will release me from fear, who will protect me and fill me with all the strength and love I need at any moment to do the hard work of loving fully--but I too easily slip back into that place of interpersonal cowering, distrusting, hiding.

Must remind myself--and that is ok too.  His strength is made perfect in my weakness.  And when I see how my own self-protective instincts don't actually help or  heal anything, I realize all the more how much I need Him. 

So there were a couple of moments Saturday that I allowed little bits of negativity to get to me, and I ended up disheartened and momentarily very upset, even if overall the day went well.  At the time I just tried to pretend on the outside that all was fine, but inside I was in quite a storm.  The one incident I will share with you--because it was the catalyst for God speaking to me--was really quite silly.  For the potluck after the black belt promotions, I had brought our own dishware, utensils, napkins and cups.  It just seemed wise, since there would be a chance that those assigned to bring such things would not bring enough, and I am also moving our family as much as possible towards consuming less plastic, especially single-use plastic like disposable forks and cups.  Well, everyone accepted the plates and cutlery I handed out without comment, but when it came to the cup, well, MIL just put her foot down.  She had no reason to refuse, since I had plenty of cups for everyone, and would have to wash her unused cup anyway when we got home just because it had been carried with the dirty things on the way home.  But she actually turned down the clean cup I was holding out for her, and instead went and got a disposable cup provided by someone else, a cup that then would just go in the trash.  I know she was just taking a stance against what she thinks is an extreme, insidious, liberal Environmentalism that poses as Good Stewardship.  But let's admit, it was also purposefully taking a stance against me personally.  It felt like an insult, like a rejection, just so illogical and purposeful that it made me boil. 

That was the last in a series of small negative flare-ups that morning, and was like the straw that broke the camel's back.  I tried not to show my annoyance, but I am sure MIL was watching for it, and likely picked up a hint.  Those of you who know me IRL will agree that I am pretty much an open book.  So maybe she felt she needed that small victory over me, I don't know--and maybe it helped her be more regulated and gracious the rest of the day.  All I know is that at that moment it made me so indignant I had a hard time getting over it.  But after we left the picnic area and were loading things into the car, I spewed a little of my hurt and anger to my Dear Husband--and as I spoke, I realized the Holy Spirit was nudging me to listen to myself.  And as I did so, I realized I was internalizing my MIL's choice and making it all about me.  Talk about narcissism--and self-defeating foolishness.  Why did MIL's choice to use the disposable cup have anything to do with me?  I was somehow allowing it to define me, when of course the only person it says anything about is MIL. 

Ahhhh, this seems so simple, and yet seems to be such a struggle for me, and in an instant I knew this was key to another struggle I've been asking God for insight into--my parenting.  The two interpersonal issues are intertwined, and now I just need to understand in fullness how, to then better resolve both issues.

The revelation is two-fold:
a) I am too thinned-skinned, so I take in and make part of me whatever negativity I encounter. I absorb rather than deflect.

b) I react rather than respond to interpersonal conflict.  This means I have strong knee-jerk reactions to negativity, quite possibly from a self-protective instinct.

You can see how those two things are related--how they stem from the same place in me, and how they would apply to all kinds of interpersonal relationships.  My parents will be nodding at the first one--my Mother is not one to criticize her children, but she has always told me that I am too sensitive, since I was a kid.  And I have known the second one for a couple of year now in regards to my parenting--but knowing a truth about myself is different than understanding it's full ramifications, and knowing what to do about it.   But I have never before considered how the two are connected--and now with this revelation I feel I am that much closer to freedom from the tyranny of the negative in these two facets of my life! 

Let me just remind everyone reading this--my kids are healthy, normal kids.  Likely much better behaved than many.  So what I have struggled with in my parenting of them is not what they do wrong, but how much of a hard time I have responding to it with grace instead of legalism (b), and how hard it is for me not to take their "failures" to heart as a sign of how I am failing them as a mother (a).

And now here is where the processing comes around to MIL and her unhappiness with our house, and how she is allowing herself to suffer psychologically from her lack of control over us and our house, and how our relationship suffers from her desire for complete control over us and our house.  Just swap out "me" for "MIL" and "my children and their choices" for "us and our house" and you can clearly see the parallel. 

This is not the first time I have realized just how similar my MIL and I are. 

Neither is it the first time I have learned something about myself or my parenting from my relationship with my MIL.

*Now looking over what I've written I wonder--do both a) and b) apply to my MIL as well?  Are these the same things she is doing?!  Are her verbal lashings-out her own self-protective attempts to deflect what she feels is a painful challenge to her own Selfhood?

I am just so thankful that God keeps whispering to me, that He keeps giving me ears to hear and eyes to see.   I hope He will continue to grow and shape me to be the daughter-in-law and parent that He wants me to be.

But now. . . I am still processing those two important ideas.  Since they are still new, I don't really know the fullness of how they are connected and what they ultimately mean.  But I see that understanding whatever is at the heart of those two issues will be the key to building better and stronger relationships with my children and my MIL.  And probably my Dear Husband too!  I have an inkling that the ideas are related to my earlier ponderings on the idea of my identity as Blessed, as a creature defined solely by who I am in Jesus. . . but I don't have the time or brainpower to go there yet.  I need to let the first ideas settle into me, and figure out what to do with them--then I can delve further. 

So there you have it--my imperfectly reasoned, but hopefully clearly-enough articulated thoughts for this week.  I would love to hear your thoughts, if you see some connection I have not yet mentioned, or if you have experience with any of these concepts from your own life!

And in the meantime, I hope you all have long and love-filled weekends, however you will be spending them.