Moogie's Got Mail! And It's From the White House!

You may recall that I've penned a few epistles to our Young President since his inauguration to express my opinion about his opinion of the Tea Party movement, and to express my dismay at his official response to the murder of a young Army soldier in Little Rock, Arkansas, by a convert to Islam.

Last week, I received a letter from him on stationery with an embossed White House logo and "recycled symbol" watermark!

My fingers trembled as I slit open the envelope -- would the Young President chastise me for my effrontery in criticizing the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act ? Would he posit rational alternatives to my suggestions? Would he offer sincere condolences for the senseless loss of a young soldier whose adult life had barely begun? Would he invite me to have a glass of chardonnay on the White House lawn as we debate the relative merits of health care reform with our shirt sleeves rolled up? After all, the envelope appeared to have been hand-written -- surely this letter came directly from the big desk in the Oval Office!

That would be a big negatory, good buddy.

In his endearingly personal missive, he expresses appreciation of "hearing from" me and tells me he values my "input." He trumpets the need for "swift, deliberate action," and repeats his clarion call for (1) health care reform "--this year--", (2) a clean energy economy [jobs, energy independence, global warming], and (3) complete and competitive education. Not much new there --that's pretty much the standard holy trinity held over from the campaign.

But, since he's actually been in office, he has apparently learned that there are other pressing matters in this uncertain world that also need urgent, swift, and deliberate action. Wonder of wonders, he has added new "to do" tasks to his agenda that he felt comfortable enough to share with little ol' me (since he obviously knows me well enough to assume I'd jump right up off the couch to get to work and help him check these tasks off his list)!

Ready for this?

"We need to secure our homeland against threats by preventing terrorist attacks and planning for and responding soundly to emergencies." [Translation: remove more clothing at airports and go into quarantine if you don't take your Swine Flu shot.]

"We also have an obligation to rein in our budget by cutting wasteful spending and ineffective programs." [Translation: Turn loose of that Medicare Advantage and get ready for "Money For Major Appliances!"]

Here's the best part -- I swear it says this, verbatim:

"We can do all this, and change the way business is done in Washington, by building the most open, transparent, and accountable government in our history."

Openness, transparency and accountability will arrive at some point, I suppose, after Harry Reid and Rahm Emanuel emerge from behind the Senate vault doors to announce how we are to approach health care -- and like it.

The Young President closes by sincerely thanking me once again for my "involvement," and encourages me to explore http://www.whitehouse.gov/ which is "regularly updated and more interactive than ever before."

My mind is so much more at ease to learn that another "inherited" mess -- a sloppy White House website -- has been mopped up!

I know, I know. What did I expect out of a communication from an elected official inside the beltway? Did I expect a reply that had some connection -- no matter how slight -- with the topic I took the time to write about and spent nearly half-a-dollar to mail?

Not really. But I did briefly get the pleasure of one twisted chuckle: the envelope seriously appears to be handwritten, in a slightly shaky script, until you hold it up to the light and discern that there are no pressure indentations on the paper. It's ink-jetted. And the deceptive use of that little modern process totally killed my buzz.

See, I had mental images of Michelle's aging mother addressing hundreds of envelopes by candlelight once the girls had been put to bed so she could earn her room and board. After all, it may not be lonely under the bus anymore, but it definitely has to be uncomfortable!

But, no. She's probably sitting on the White House lawn sipping my glass of wine.

Maybe I should write a letter complaining about that. Maybe Michelle would reply about the virtues of gardening in mid-calf boots, and horizontal stripes! Heh.

Winning the Battle of the Form Letters

It's time for us taxpaying constituents to revolt against form letters from our elected officials that may or may not be on topic. Here's my suggestion for our very own form rebuttal:

Dear Mr. and/or Ms. Elected Official:

I am in receipt of your form letter response to my (choose one: email/letter) dated (choose one: 1 month ago; 2 months ago; more than 2 months ago) on the subject of _________________ (fill in the blank). I appreciate your acknowledgement of my correspondence.

I do not appreciate, however, the enormous amount of irrelevant boilerplate contained in your email. You chose not to address my questions or comments, opting instead to pat yourself on the back in an effort to influence my opinion of you and the "job you've been doing for me" (choose one: on Capitol Hill; in the White House; in the state capitol; in the loony bin known in New Orleans as City Hall).

I can quite easily ascertain your position on any issue, and how you voted; I know how to use several search engines on the internet. It is wholly unnecessary for you to explain why an issue is important and how you plan to resolve it -- I already know. That's why I wrote to you.

You, however, need to hear directly from your constituents, in depth, to understand the will of the electorate in our Representative Democratic Republic. That's why we correspond with you -- to communicate our positions, not to solicit you to blow smoke where the sun don't shine.

I will continue to communicate with you, and I will appreciate getting a brief reply from you acknowledging that you comprehend my position. I will not appreciate the heaping mounds of self-congratulatory barky-malarkey in which your previous communications abound.

I remember, I make contributions to candidates, and I vote.

Most VERY sincerely,

MoogieP

Of course, I don't have to worry about receiving form letters from Speaker Pelosi or the Young President -- they never reply to the love letters I send them anyway. Do you have anything to add?

Barbara's Boorish Behavior

I won't tell you the title under which I saved the following in my documents, but it rhymes with "Boxer the Witch Letter":

Senator Barbara Boxer
112 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington, D.C. 20510

re: Your boorish behavior

Senator:

How high is that horse you're perched upon? What were you thinking when you, with a put-upon and exasperated tone of voice, challenged Brigadier General Michael Walsh's use of the respectful salutation, "ma'am," when addressing you? You stated that you "worked very hard" to acquire the title, "Senator," and preferred that you be addressed by that title. Well, la-ti-dah.

It's clear that you were not reared in a home that practiced and taught common courtesy, much less protocol. Perhaps you should study the State Department's protocol order of preference list, or that of the U.S. Army. In doing so, you would learn that, as a Senator, you outrank the good General in civilian affairs. He was giving honor and respect to you by referring to you as "ma'am," just as he would to a military member who outranked him.

General Walsh was doing your bidding, testifying to provide you with information about Gulf Coast restoration efforts. He was there at the invitation of your committee, so he was, in essence, your guest. Is this how you treat your guests? If so, I'm grateful that I'm merely a member of the great unwashed who will never merit an invitation to see you in action as a hostess; my husband is a retired Army officer, and I might be tempted by training and genteel southern tradition to refer to you as "ma'am." I wouldn't want to offend.

Your behavior, Senator Boxer, is that of the worst kind of feminist. Your behavior is the kind that causes the good ol' boys to smile and shake hands to your face, then laugh and refer to you by derogatory names in the men's room. Your kind of feminism makes it all the more difficult for young women to break into a "man's profession." I should know -- I watched your kind make it all the more difficult for me to gain the respect of my fellow attorneys a generation ago. I thought we, as a society, had grown beyond petty sniping between the sexes.

Or, instead of sexism, is it the military that is the subject of your disdain? Either way, take a breath and think before engaging your mouth.

Sincerely,

Up til now I've had no desire to live in California, but if it meant I could vote against this shrew tomorrow, I'd "load up the truck and move to Bever-lee. Hills, that is. Swimming pools, movie stars." And insufferable elected officials. Where do they find these people?!?!