Final day of San Francisco!

I am so grateful for the Gospel. We decided to spend our last day going to church and the temple. It was awesome- just the things we needed to hear. The things I needed to heal my heart from what happened at work. “Let not your heart be troubled”. We have the power to allow into our hearts the peaceful things and let the Savior bear our burdens. We had an awesome little breakfast at a cafe, donut shop where the lady asked us if we worked for the government because of our church clothes haha... we felt pretty tough the rest of the day. This little vacation was awesome ❤️ we miss our babies for sure :) 

Day 2 of San Fran

The goal of the day was to bike the Golden Gate Bridge and man it was a little harder than anticipated with the long ride to get there and the longish ride to the ferry after! Our legs were pretty worn out but it was kind of amazing!!! The only thing we did a major fail and missed our boat to Alcatraz!!! So sad! We were bummed that didn’t work because if we knew we were going to miss it we would have stayed longer in  cute little Sausalito. Anywho we needed a nap so that’s what we did next haha! Then we got up and rode the cable car, Took an Uber to the painted ladies and then to Golden Gate park to see the Japanese Tea Garden. It was closed!! We kept missing out haha... we then took an Uber to Queen Wilheminas tulip garden. It was cool with the Dutch windmill and jarom picked a poppy (naughty). After that we headed to China town and bought some souvenirs and tried to avoid the Corona Virus haha. We ate at Hunan Homes and it was delicious. After a small break down in the street over something an old boss messaged me with - ugh work sucks sometimes- we took off and got some delicious dessert in the Italian District. I love how the cultures just flip flop from street to street! We ate our cheesecake and eclairs in bed while we watched Hitch. It was an exhausting, emotional, beautiful, fun day !! 

V day with my loved

Started with some crockpot French toast and goodies at their seats. We made a random valentines cake with kissing llamas too (we didn’t even eat it because of all the junk food)! Dad and I had our dance lesson woo Hoo! And then drowned at Drowning Taco. We ended the night with dads fire and s’mores out front. Mal fell asleep on me outside which was a total bonus and perfect way to end the night.  I hope the kids always recognize how blessed they are to have such a great dad! I sure love these people!!!! 

Where to begin... life moves on! Wake UP!

Looking back on some old blog books and feeling a little like I wanted to reconnect (with myself, my kids, Jarom, our life), I decided to pull this ol' thing up and man! I am overwhelmed with how fast time flies and how much the ordinary becomes extraordinary when it is in the past. My time home with the girls, my struggle with anxiety, the holidays, the funny things my kids used to say... I'm grateful and humbled and altogether a little solemnly happy looking at these things. Though I may not look on this post with as much pride or joy I can't help but to be honest. I feel I have been somewhat asleep to life. I read in 2Nephi when Jacob talks about being "captive" and to "Awake". I got sick this past week and I had somewhat of an "awakening". I awakened to the fact that my thoughts have been occupied by dance choreography and schedules. I awakened to the fact that my creativity and energy was being spent in the classroom and online. I awakened to the fact that my church service had grown a bit stale and wasn't coming from the right place. I awakened to the fact that the garden won't grow without weeds if I don't constantly prune and manage it. Thankfully we have two gardeners in our house and he has been by my side, patient, loving and forgiving. So as my awakening happens, I decide to delete the Facebook App (for whatever reason it has become a distraction- it has left me captive/ captivated on not awake). I decide to air fry egglplant for eggplant parmesan and start working on family meals with a little more creativity and effort. I start digging into what's going on at school. I have a quiet moment where I let Mal read to me, not with a hurried sort of pace but a slow, allow her to struggle pace. I lecture the kids with Jarom about their grades and how important they are and let my heart break as they feel our disappointment. I just want to take any grief from them but I know it's not what's best. I painstakingly sit next to my eldest and try to figure out 15 math problems that have long left the ol' cerebral cavity. I download an app to help us. We have laughs. We share grief. I withstand a little eye rolling. I just want to hug her and take her to do something she loves. I don't want to make her feel like I'm disappointed in her. But a quiet voice tells me she is meant for more so we push on through the math. At the end of all this night my husband helps me to bed. I open my scriptures with determination even though it's past midnight. I wake up to attempted to snuggles but I'm too grumpy so I shove him away. I feel guilt. He makes breakfast. I cry. He feels guilt. We comfort each other as best we can and I head out the door to work. Sweet text comes wanting to have lunch with me. He's sorry for setting 15 alarms to bug me and for shoving me away when I tried to apologize. I sit here at my desk in tears. Regretful that I let my garden grown without me for a time. Determined to not let it happen again. Fearful that I most definitely will as I don't always trust myself with stamina and sticking to something. My family is first. My family is first. What does that mean? It means my "self-care" is wrapped up in their care. As I consider my disappointment that they can't thrive without me holding their hands, I think of my Heavenly Father. He must think the same of me! Yet both me and them, we take our walks alone sometimes. Don't we all realize how much it helps to have someone there by our side who cares as much and feels the pain we are suffering and wants to help? To my teenager and pre-teen- I love you so much. I fret with you and over you. I don't know what to do sometimes to help you navigate this rough patch. I'm doing what I think is right but pleeeassse stay close. I hope you see I AM proud of you. To my little girls: I get caught up in wishing for more time with you I forget that you are right there. Let's go to the swing and ride and take a jump on the tramp. Your lives are a lot more simple. Let's enjoy this time together! To my husband: my ultimate cheerleader, my rock in so many ways... Are we doing all we can? I'm sorry for the grumpy morning Mel- let's keep trying together- for like eternity k? I'm grateful to be awake even if awake means hot tears and headaches. I love you guys so much. Let's stay close.

Thoughts

Performance is what matters, not the size of the stage. The Sea of Galilee, only 13 miles by 7, was nevertheless large enough to provide the disciples with a vital experience involving faith and walking on the water (see Matt. 14:22–33). The wind was boisterous and frightening! Even so, compare the size of those Galilean swells and the length of that storm with what Nephi and party had to endure on the vast ocean! (see 1 Ne. 18:13–21). Yet both episodes provided the needed learning experiences.

For some reason this felt like an answer to the ongoing decision whether we should have more kids or not. The entire talk by Neil a Maxwell in the 2000 april conference speaks of changing your mind set to more humbly do the Lords will- speaks of almas change from wanting to be a trump of God to wanting to just simply be an instrument in His hands. I identify with Almas desires and pray to come to the spiritual contentment he did. 

Christmas 2016!

It's been so long but I'm going to start again! Well maybe- no promises. Ha! This year has been a good one :) I feel like every year I learn a little more about life and have a little more to give to others especially my family. Most of the learning happens through my mistakes and yearning to be better- to have constant peace. I am starting to see that that is possible if we truly have a deep and abiding testimony- we have clearancy, learn from our mistakes and keep moving forward. Christ HAS to be our rock. Nothing can shake us if He is. I love that. Each of the kids is growing and changing and coming into their own. Mally is so polite with all her tank you ma! And peeese?? She is such a joy. She literally sings all day... it's my favorite. Taylor is so funny- we went to feed my starving children and she noticed the people there were praying a little differently with lots of amens and yes lords interjected. Next time we said family prayer she did that- cracked me up! She has so much to give I love her. Jack- he is just such a little man lately. He is a sensitive rough loving kid- I love oi relationship. I feel like we can really talk... we think alike and we both wrestle ha! Lydia is just a bud. She is so adultish lately! She loves all things old fashioned and is so classy (as lala would put it). I love when she's in the creative zone! Love her so much- me and Jarom are so enormously blessed! I'm so blessed to have him. We got a good thing going. I hope that no matter what we will always hang on to our foundation and have the peace we do in our lives now- during this tranquil time. So we don't have to fear trials. That's my goal. I want to serve serve serve in the church and community too. But keep my fam as the priority. I want to be a tool in the Lords hands, a worthy vessel... but maintain the personality and gifts He gave me. I get to be stake camp director this year and I feel a little lost as of now but very excited!!! Here are lots of pics of this Christmas and just before!