Spam cracks me up.

I've been out of the office for the last two weeks, and today is my first day back.

Our company e-mail system does this thing where they filter out all your junk e-mails and sends you a daily list of junk e-mail that it's intercepted for you. You can then review the list and unjunk any legit e-mails.

Sometimes, spam still manages to hit my inbox. What's more disturbing, though, is that the sender appears to be my own work e-mail address.

Over the last two weeks, I've received quite a few e-mails with somewhat interesting subject lines. Here's a sample:

• "Stiff, long and hard rod"
• "I'm so thick now she says it hurts"
• "Never be flaccid again"
• "Don't wait to be huge"
• "Proven to work in male subjects"
• "Re: Scarlett [Johansen?] did it for cash"
• "Fit perfectly between her jugs"
• "Women will flock like bees to honey"

And my personal favorite, "With 9 inches everything is possible."

Indeed.

Rich Lowry to Sarah Palin: SCHWING!

Just when you think things couldn't get any more ridiculous, we got his from the National Review (emphasis mine):

A very wise TV executive once told me that the key to TV is projecting through the screen. It's one of the keys to the success of, say, a Bill O'Reilly, who comes through the screen and grabs you by the throat. Palin too projects through the screen like crazy. I'm sure I'm not the only male in America who, when Palin dropped her first wink, sat up a little straighter on the couch and said, "Hey, I think she just winked at me." And her smile. By the end, when she clearly knew she was doing well, it was so sparkling it was almost mesmerizing. It sent little starbursts through the screen and ricocheting around the living rooms of America. This is a quality that can't be learned; it's either something you have or you don't, and man, she's got it.

Gross.


Photo lifted from here.

Happy Valentine's Day or something

Especially to you who are Valentine-less, like me.

UPDATE 2/14, 11 a.m.: I realize my initial post is somewhat cynical. After reading this heart-warming, positive piece from Res Ipsa Loquitur at Rising Hegemon, I've been inspired to follow her lead and not be so damn negative about Valentine's Day. So, on that note:

Make It Stop: ?uestlove's reaction to "2 Girls, 1 Cup"

If you know anyone in college right now, I'm sure they've made you watch that nasty-ass flick, "2 Girls, 1 Cup." I'm not linking to that madness. You can YouTube that ish.

That video has spawned oodles of videos that highlight people's reactions to the video itself. This video, showing ?uestlove's reaction, is my FAAAAAAAVORITE. Courtesy of Nigga Know.



One love.

(If you can't see the video, click here instead.)

Bad kissers don't get to second base

At least, that's what this article claims:

In a study published recently in the scientific journal "Evolutionary Psychology," 59 percent of men and 66 percent of women said they've been in the position of being attracted to someone -- until they kissed the person.

"At the moment of the kiss, there's a very complicated exchange of information ... that may tap into underlying evolved mechanisms" cluing us in on whether we're genetically compatible, explains Gordon Gallup, co-author of the study and professor of psychology at the State University of New York at Albany. "A kiss can be a deal-breaker in terms of whether a relationship will flower or flounder, so to speak."

Good thing my technique is totally on point. Not that I'm bragging or anything.

Okay, I am. A little.


(Props to Ceci for the link.)

Set it off

Lucky bitch. I will concede, however, that this may be a little ... inconvenient at times:

SarahCarmen, 24, says the Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome that she suffers from can cause her to have orgasm at any time of day.

She explained: "Anything can set me off. Even the hairdryers cause funny pulsations through my body.

"As a skin care specialist I have to use tools which vibrate a lot of the time for micro-dermabrasion and they sometimes set me off.

"I find if I'm nervous I'm less likely to get over-excited. So sometimes I try to psyche myself up and worry to control my orgasms.

"Some of my regular customers know my problem. But with new clients it's hard to explain.

"I have been in the middle of a treatment and it's happened and I've had to carry on.

"I was doing a bikini wax and you have to really concentrate and keep your hands very still, and mine go a bit wobbly when I orgasm.

"I had to pretend I had cramp in my foot and just stood there wriggling around on the spot and stifling my moans until it was over."

(Props to C&D for the link.)

Gay Bomb

The Pentagon confirmed the existence of an Air Force proposal to create a special type of chemical weapon that would disperse strong aphrodesiacs and hormones that would "cause homosexual behavior."

"The Ohio Air Force lab proposed that a bomb be developed that contained a chemical that would cause enemy soliders to become gay, and to have their units break down because all their soldiers became irresistably attractive to one another," Hammond said after reviwing [sic] the documents.

"The notion was that a chemical that would probably be pleasant in the human body in low quantities could be identified, and by virtue of either breathing or having their skin exposed to this chemical, the notion was that soliders would become gay," explained Hammond.

The Pentagon told CBS 5 that the proposal was made by the Air Force in 1994.

Firstly, do I even have to go into how stupid this is? Just like how you can't pray the gay away, you can't spray some love potion on somebody and >poof< make them gay.

However, some market-savvy inventor should jump on this idea, create a body spray and market it in a way that's similar to Axe that will make the gay menz swoon over each other. On second thought, gay men probably wouldn't buy it. All the ones I know are way more high-end than that, and would probably balk at the idea of buying a cologne from the drug store. But you know, this could be an option for the bois on a budget.

Hey, screw that; how about making one for us single, straight women out here? I can use all the help I can get.

Joe Francis Goes Wild, Goes to Jail

Things aren't going so well for 'Girls Gone Wild' Founder Joe Francis:

A federal judge in Panama City, Fla., on Thursday ordered "Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis jailed for contempt of court in a civil suit brought by seven young women who claimed the entrepreneur's film crews had placed them in sexually explicit situations.

Francis, the Santa Monica-based multimillionaire who has made a fortune selling risque videos of scantily clad coeds, was ordered by U.S. District Judge Richard Smoak to surrender to court by noon Thursday, but hadn't done so by mid-evening.

Francis told the Associated Press late Thursday that Smoak "had lost his mind."

"This judge has gone as far as to call me the devil and an evildoer," he said. "It is a case of a judge gone wild."

First of all, he should go to jail just for making that corny-ass remark.

Also, I'm not defending this scumbag by any means, but this lawsuit? These seven young women trying to sue Francis for the Girls Gone Wild film crew putting them in sexually explicit situations? Get real. You girls know damn well what GGW is all about. Come on, now.

Photo credit: Evan Agostini/Getty Images

Love your hoohaa, please. That's all I ask.

You all know by now the "scandal" that erupted in Atlantic Beach, Fla. with the woman who was so offended that the marquee advertising The Vagina Monologues actually said the word "vagina" on it.

Atlantic Theatres in Atlantic Beach, Florida, received a complaint from a woman who'd seen the advertised title as she drove past with her niece. She said that it had made her niece ask her what a vagina was.

The theatre's Bryce Pfanenstiel commented: 'I'm on the phone and asked “What did you tell her?” She's like, “I'm offended I had to answer the question.”'

Hello, you're a woman. You have one. Your niece? She has one. Why be offended that you had to answer the question? What you succeeded in doing is throwing the blanket of shame around it. And thanks for passing that shame along to your niece, when all you could have said was,

"Oh that? That word is 'vagina,' and it's what you call the body part between your legs."

Or something to that effect. And boom. End of discussion.

But instead, because of your stupid, freaked-out, Puritanical, shame-throwing, vagina-hating ways, you pretty much forced the owners of the theatre to change 'vagina' to "hoo haa," as in "The Hoohaa Chronicles." Corny. So not only have you made your niece feel dirty because she has a vagina, but you've also done your part to censor art. Congratulations, you stupid ass.

Props to the theatre owners for changing the marquee back to the play's original title. I personally don't think you should have even changed it in the first place, but it's cool. You're redeemed.

To the woman in this story: Obviously you haven't seen the vagina celebration that is The Vagina Monologues. I suggest you buy yourself a ticket. STAT.

Say it loud and proud, girlfriend: I HAVE A VAGINA.

UPDATE: On second thought, maybe this woman is one of those who think her vag is ugly.


(Props to Scott for the link.)

Shades of gay

Even as a heterosexual woman, I find this to be utterly absurd. And when I say "this," I mean the fact that they felt the need to issue a press release declaring the non-gayness of ex-minister Tom Haggard:

One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual."

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday's edition.

"He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said. "That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

Ralph said the board spoke with people close to Haggard while investigating his claim that his only extramarital sexual contact happened with Mike Jones. The board found no evidence to the contrary.

To refresh your memory:

Haggard resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals last year after allegations of sexual misconduct surfaced. He was also forced out from the 14,000 New Life Church that he founded years ago in his basement after Jones alleged Haggard paid him for sex and sometimes used methamphetamine when they were together. Haggard, who is married, has publicly admitted to "sexual immorality."

Is this latest "development" supposed to exonerate him Ted Haggard, purveyor of faith and leadership and acting moral compass of his congregation because of the fact that he's been declared to be like, completely heterosexual? You know, minus the whole paying-a-male-escort-for-sex-and-meth thing. Does that make it all OK?

Did they "pray the gay away" during these weeks of "intensive counseling"?

Whether Haggard is straight, bi, experimental, or g-g-g-g-GAY is of no importance here. It is this evangelical movement, the Preznit's "base," that has quickly gained control of the GOP, shaped the Republican agenda, and manipulated and motivated to vilify and demonize a particular group of people for the purposes of political gain. It's this group of people, the Preznit's self-proclaimed "base," that has had a heavy hand in shaping public policy during his administration.

And yet, Haggard is the embodiment of everything these people stand against. But somehow, people like James "He will continue to be my friend, even if the worst allegations prove accurate" Dobson manage to find the compassion and forgiveness that they should be showing to their fellow human beings rather than just toward people just like them.

The "Ted Haggard is not gay" announcement also begs the question: How many same-sex encounters does one have to have in order to be officially gay? Is there some kind of threshold you have to cross? Is there a checklist or something? And if you have to pay for gay sex, does that mean it's not real?

My fellow BARBARian, Generik, also shares with us his point of view.

The Emancipation of Mimi's Common Sense

Remember when Mariah Carey (left) threatened legal action against porn star and former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey's (right) attempt to trademark her name, citing that it was "likely [for consumers] to mistakenly associate the goods offered" by Mary Carey--whose real name is Mary Cook--with the performer's "goods and services"?

Well, dumbass Mariah is now muddying the waters by posing in an upcoming issue of Playboy:

Leaked photos from the shoot made their way onto the Internet last week, showing a shapely (and undoubtedly airbrushed) Carey strutting her stuff in a skimpy flesh-colored bathing suit.

Rumors that the singer would be making an appearance in Playboy had been floating around for several weeks. On Friday, a Playboy spokesperson confirmed to E! News that Carey would indeed be featured on the cover of the magazine, which hits newsstands on Feb. 9.

Carey's spread will accompany a feature on the "Sexiest Comeback," for which she provided the answers to 20 "revealing" questions.

I suspect that Mariah secretly WANTS to be confused with the star of "Hot Showers 6" and "Lesbian Big Boob Bangeroo 2," because she obviously doesn't let her multi-octave voice sell itself.


(Photo credit: The Smoking Gun)

The gift of all gifts

This one made me nearly snort out my yogurt. Audio NSFW.

Featuring Justin Timberlake. Yes, Justin Timberlake.




Somewhere out there, the guys from Jodeci are high-fiving each other.

Props to Otto Man at Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Nachos for the heads up.

I'm not a prude or anything, but ...

... if I had a young daughter, my goal would be to keep her OFF the pole.

The marketing folks at Tesco [a retail chain in England] thought differently:

Tesco has been forced to remove a pole-dancing kit from the toys and games section of its website after it was accused of "destroying children's innocence".

The Tesco Direct site advertises the kit with the words, "Unleash the sex kitten inside...simply extend the Peekaboo pole inside the tube, slip on the sexy tunes and away you go!

"Soon you'll be flaunting it to the world and earning a fortune in Peekaboo Dance Dollars".

The £49.97 kit comprises a chrome pole extendible to 8ft 6ins, a 'sexy dance garter' and a DVD demonstrating suggestive dance moves.

As a solution, Tesco agreed to remove this from the "toys" section but keep it in the "fitness" section of their web site. Well, at least, I say.

At first, I thought this was an ad for "Pole Dancing Barbie" or something, which would have made this --- in some twisted way --- funnier than it really is, until I realized it was an actual pole (a cheap-looking one, at that, I'm all about quality) that you could install. In your house. To practice on. Right next to the ceiling swing, I'd assume. Hours of entertainment. Why Tesco classified this as a toy is beyond me.

Strippin' ain't easy, yo.

I totally agree that there's some kind of bizarre cultural shift going on right now that increasingly exposes young kids and teenagers to sexuality early on --- case in point: sexy Halloween costumes, for Jah's sake! --- why can't we just let kids be ... kids? What the hell happened here?

Twisty from I Blame the Patriarchy has a great post on this, which inspired me to write this post. But Twisty does a much better job. And her title is funnier than mine. So go check it out.

One sex tape I DON'T want to see.

Sorry. The more I read about the whole McCain Torture Bill, the more I get pissed. I can't write about it. Read everyone else's take (e.g. Carpetbagger, Laurie, Glenn Greenwald) because they say it much better than I can.

And in moments like this, when I start to feel despondent over our country's future and the downward spiral we seem to be going in, I turn to pop culture and celebrity gossip (and sometimes, pandas) for some sweet release.

Speaking of sweet release, Screech has a sex tape, which documents the legendary Dirty Sanchez in all its deviant glory. Allegedly.

Oh, that Screech. Always a visionary.

Yeah, me too.

I'd like to applaud the genius who created this ad campaign for VISA:


Thanks for the laugh, seriously.

(Ad found on MSN.com.)

More buzz for your buck

Do you really need a $500 vibrator?

UPDATE 4/26: As someone who once spent $250 on a pair of shoes, all I'm saying is that while I'm not averse to the higher end of the product spectrum, there's just got to be a little something "extra" to said vibrator that adds value. Like, if I'm going to pay $500 for this sucker, there's got to be some types of gadgetry or a little somethin' somethin' going on. Like a GPS system. Or a compass. Or a hidden storage compartment. Just something, you know what I'm saying?

It makes the one that I want - a mere $40 one - seem like an utter bargain.

Ahem. Anyway. Carry on.

Eww. Eww.

Mike "Your Ear Tastes Damn Good" Tyson apparently wants to try his hand at things other than boxing. He's currently in talks with porn star Jenna "Copious Spit Glob" Jameson, to co-star in an upcoming x-rated movie. And he's requiring that he be paid "up front."

Apparently "Iron" Mike has what it takes, as his member is reported to be some 14" long. Yikes.

I hope they don't expect him to talk dirty, because that would totally kill the mood, I would think.

Somewhere out in the San Fernando Valley, Ron Jeremy is feeling threatened, and John Holmes is turning over in his grave.

The only thing I want to come between us is latex.

Today’s Salon has an article discussing the recent mutated AIDS virus scare. Apparently doctors and public health advocates are trying to do some damage control, saying that it’s too soon to worry that this may become pandemic.

I don’t know about you, but HIV and AIDS is scary enough without having to worry about mutated viruses and everything else.

Protease inhibitors help slow the pace at which HIV becomes full-blown AIDS, often bringing the viral load to levels that are barely detectable. Advances in modern medicine – miracle drugs that help sustain the lives of people living with the virus – also bring along negative effects. People who engage in high-risk behaviours think they have some new kind of “insurance” against the virus, thinking they don’t have to make any changes in their lifestyles to protect themselves against contracting this disease, because if they catch it, hey – they can just pop a few pills and be alright. Right?

HELL no.

Here’s my problem with the messaging regarding this new mutation. And maybe I’m reading this the wrong way, but in light of recent evidence to the fact that the virus CAN and DOES mutate into forms that become resistant to existing treatment methods, shouldn’t this be a good time to remind people to be extra careful? Maybe a little epidemic scare is what people need to have a nice little “oh shit” moment and perhaps, you know, maybe ... use a condom or a clean needle or something? Protease inhibitors have given non-infected people (or maybe even infected, who knows, really) a sense of complacency. I think the correct message is that, until there’s a cure, one should never reach a level of complacency. Be on guard. Always.

One rationale behind the genetic mutation is that the guy in Manhattan in whom they discovered it is a meth user, and how use of crystal meth leads to unsafe sex and the spread of AIDS. Meth users, the article says, are more likely to miss their regular doses, which helps the virus mutate. Even meth users who take their meds regularly have a higher level of the virus in their body. But the article does go on to state that there is no medical link between meth and the virus advancement rate.

Maybe it is a mutation, maybe it’s not. Maybe the faux mutation is unique to this one individual. In any case, the messaging should be different. Basically, don’t do drugs, and practice safe sex should be the messaging here, instead of “don’t be alarmed, no mutation to see here, no siree” because people will return to that same level of complacency.

The article mentions something called a “booty bump,” in which the meth is mixed with water and administered rectally in order to get high. Who knew!

I swear, those drug addicts really do have quite the imaginations, don't they!