Alienation.

Ever had this feeling of being Kafka’s main character in The Metamorphosis who turns into a giant cockroach one ordinary morning when he was supposed to get up and prepare to go to work. All he can see, from where he is, are the many legs wriggling crazily in the air and his sudden metamorphosis into an insect. Everybody then sees him as a detestable creature, and subjects him to the pain of alienation.

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The pain of alienation makes us realize that sometimes we would never fit in at given circles: in a clique of people, in the environment at work, or in society in general. Some people wither and die, while others attempt to find new circles to blend in. There is supposedly a happy ending for everyone, but the picture is not always bright.

The feeling of blending in, however, is not always synonymous to acceptance.

Some allow you to stand in a circle, only to realize that you are slowly being engulfed by a quicksand of self-doubt or self-pity. You then become guiltier for not being able to raise your entire body above the sticky weight. It seems that you are in a bottom of a long, dark hole and there are nothing above but murmurs of indignation.

Sometimes though, this entire feeling of alienation is self-inflicted. It’s something in one’s head, internalized and created by the perception and definition of one’s own emotions. Similar to an amalgam of emotions eating oneself up, everything becomes a reality even those issues that do not really exist.

For many people, this feeling will come and go. At times, if one is blessed, the turning point arrives in the form of a single heartfelt dialogue over a cup of coffee or a warm chocolate. The force of one person listening to you or the effort he is willing to exert for you creates a warm fuzzy feeling of acceptance. It is tantamount to being seen in an array of ghosts. And that is very rare. This is something you don’t achieve even with all the people you talk to in a day, no matter how many they are.

In the end, some realize that they are still alone in the midst of a crowd. Some thrive to survive in the middle of it all, and when they get lucky, they will have one or two who can actually hear what they are saying. If the odds are in their favor, a couple people in the crowd would hear and understand them even if they do not utter a word.

Sleep and stare.

Reality as we come to know it releases its hold on us when we wake up. 

Do you ever experience a time when we go through life with eyes wide open but we are actually fast asleep? There are times when we see the poignant details of our dream as if we are actually living it: like swimming a vast ocean with the whale sharks, flying in the vastness of space, swinging a sword in a battlefield, or just traipsing the romantic alleys of Paris.

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We take comfort in the melodies of our dream on the premise that we can control them. However, we know that too much of intentional escape from reality can be bad. The tragedy lies not on wanting to escape a life that is hard, but that at the end of the day, we have to get back to our own reality and breathe it. We momentarily forget, only to be hounded forever. Some people though ferociously fight to escape their reality by chasing seductive mirages of grandeur, and in the process forget to live.

Eventually, even for the most melancholic of us, even for the saddest of thinkers, the mists of sleep will disperse when the dreaming god opens his eyes. The world as we know it will end, and may our own gods help us then.