Snippets and then some

I am a little afraid of the possibility of burning out… I hope I have not bitten more than I could chew. Else, I probably would end up being Chewbucca, with its ummphs and grunts and wailing… Was that even funny? OMG.

At work, two major projects are undergoing. One short term, the other spans for three years. One software and change management project, the other a network infra project. All the awesomeness and sweetness and I am thoroughly enjoying every bit of the smile, the tears, the sweat and the blood (I cut myself handling some paper-works…) I am also supposed to improve the process for managing a certain type of project under one manager. And most recently, taken up the challenge to focus on change management projects under another manager. Yup, I’m reporting to two different managers, one lady the other; gentleman (LOL, Kak Dayang, stop laughing).

At school, I am the elected Team Leader for the current subject, and we’re supposed to come out with a group report and presentation within the next three weeks, one week has passed since our first weekend meet-up. On top of that, there’s one individual essay that each of us has to complete; apparently this essay will be the differentiator to our marks, since all group reports will mean same marks for everyone in the group. So, I need to do very much very well for the essay to ensure distinction for the first module.

At home, I spent last weekend not looking at my work email (primarily because I left my BB on my table at work) and not opening my school books or sitting down doing the assignments. Saturday was spent doing laundry in the morning, and taking the Little Princess for a little socialising with my best buds. I didn’t get to talk much with the girls though, Little Princess was demanding my attention the whole time! Note to self: Leave your kid in the capable hands of your loving husband a.k.a. the devoted father when you want to spend time with your girlfriends. Next meet-up she’ll stay at home!

Owh… God willing, insyaAllah, we’ll be seeing the inside of our humble abode very soon. Am so excited about it, I could jump up and down everyday. We have to be more frugal with money now. Since my decorative instinct is kicking in, and I’m not sure where to look for bargain location, I might end up spending more than I should! Someone please help me on this! Share where are the places to get excellent quality furniture at good price and someone who can do a 3 feet cabinet under RM1K.

As a daughter, I’m getting more and more worried about the wellness of my parents. They suddenly look so fragile. No, they are not frail or anything like that, but looking at them, and watching my daughter growing, I suddenly get the knock behind my head that I am aging too. And my parents… I just can’t imagine not having them. I have to quickly make peace to the cycle of life, or else I’ll be too devastated when the time comes. :’( My only pray is that they stay healthy and be with me for as long as possible… A pray like any other child, I supposed… I love them. And no amount of success or high degrees or famous certification could ever make me feel any better should Allah SWT decide it’s time. Allah, please make me stronger, and make it easier for me to submit to your will. Ameen.

Where Are We?

In the aftermath of Erykah Badu’s cancelled concert, I quietly reflect on it and the responses that I read and heard. Everyone has an opinion why Malaysia is a backward nation or how phobia of war on Islam is spreading. If you google the story, you can even read comments that non-Malaysians are giving. Some angry, and some surprisingly understanding.

I can’t really call myself Erykah Badu’s fan, I don’t know her songs though I am sure I have enjoyed them now and again. I enjoy listening to R&B and Soul music. I just don’t really bother finding out the title of the songs and who sing them… :-)

Let’s look at the issue generally. Any country has a right to refuse entry of a person, for any possible reason they can come out with. It’s the right of the government. It’s their country. Even from international business perspective, a country can forbid foreign companies operating locally to send back their profit to their parent company in their own country; if they see it to be economically fit. Malaysia did this once during the economic downturn in late 90s. This is to protect the country’s economy.

Some country even stop the operations of foreign company and all foreign workers are deported. This happens. All the time.

Yes, Malaysia has made the international news for revoking rights to perform or reject the application altogether for a number of international artists. We’ve done it before, we just did it this week, I’m pretty sure we’ll do it again in future. Regardless whether it is politically motivated or not.

Yesterday morning, the Executive Officer of Centre for Independent Journalism of Malaysia was interviewed by BFM on this issue. She said something about not to expect non-Muslim to know or understand the meaning behind the Arabic characters. She also said that what happened is due to political mileage, and some people are trying to say Islam is being attacked in Malaysia. I beg to differ.

We have to understand the American culture. They are mostly individualistic bunch of people, with little regards of other people feelings. And this is not just a generalisation, this is based on research. With this mentality, what they do, is basically for themselves. To them, the arabic word is just art, just like the cross, star of David even the tree of life. They can make fun of their religion, and they will not be chastise for it; so much. I’m sure there are still prudent and respectful, God fearing Americans. But get this, they are so detached that most of the times they don’t realise what they do are affecting other people in different ways.

So, I ask you now; as a Malaysian, do you not see that our society is still pretty much communal and reserved? What response were you expecting other than anger when the picture came out. True enough for some of us so called “liberal” Muslims, we do not mind. But let me tell you, it is because we are slowly becoming individualistic ourselves. So what if some people are crying foul over the tattoo? Let them be. At least, there are still people out there brave enough to stand up for their religion, for people to learn to respect this Almighty being we prostate ourselves to.

I haz a little sadness. It has been said that the weakest stage of Iman is to disagree in silence, in the heart. I was thinking to myself, do I even fall in this category? I saw the picture of Erykah Badu with the tattoo long time ago. But unobservant as I was, I didn’t even realise there was a tattoo spelt “Allah”… I feel sad. Is it because I am so detached from my religion, that I am becoming ignorant of things like these? Have I slowly becoming too “liberal” that I do not care when other people are using my religion carelessly?

Yes, they may not understand, and they may not care. But hey, I as a Muslim myself, shouldn’t it be part of my responsibility to educate people on my religion? To tell them, look, this thing that you think is only art, is very very much dear to Muslims. True it’s just a bunch of arabic characters, but it represents something so big that the characters do not do it justice. I should be able to make an impact, and make people realise that it is not something to be so casual about. But I should also be able to explain it in educative way, and not just shout foul.

Truthfully there are more important, vital things to be discussed with regards to being a good Muslim. But now and then Allah SWT throw to us a little challenge, a little test, for us to see and reflect how we react to it. And we should not just ignore it, at the very least, if it is bad, we could disagree in our hearts.

Sometimes we see artist changing their lifestyle to be more Islamic. Some people joke about them. At least they are making progress. True enough, they could pull the holier-than-thou attitude, but hey, that’s one of the weaknesses that they have to overcome. And for the rest of us, have we started to make the journey to be a better Muslim? For all we know, they might have more favours from Allah SWT than we could ever will get…

Anyway, for people to ask for revoking of The Star’s license is too much. Come on people. They have apologise. Move on. In this I agree with the EO of CIJM. Don’t go for blood just because you think it’s the way to go. Be matured, Islam is so much more gentle than that. Be a living example of it’s embodiment.

This is a long post. I’m tired. Have a great weekend ahead y’all. Take care! :-)

The Mid-30s

Less than two weeks ago, I celebrated my 34th birthday. Ala… what’s so secret about the number right? Hahaha…

To say that I’ve accomplished much, would be a lie, for there are lots of things that I would want to be doing at the moment. I don’t even have a house under my own name, yet. What I have is a string of debts, necessary and otherwise. Haha…

I will not compare my success and achievements with others. For what I have now is what I can handle, and I wouldn’t be so arrogant to say that I deserve more, now. I thank The Lord for all that He’s bestowed upon me, blessings after blessings that sometimes go unnoticed, unappreciated.

The times that I spent for silly things, for empty talks, for day-dreaming, and yet so little time spent in remembering Him, thanking Him. This year, again, I vow to be a better servant than last year. Lord, give me strength to be persistent and consistent.

I am not getting younger. Now that I have a child, it is a constant reminder that I’m growing older, and soon I will be taking over my mom’s age. And because of this, it is a painful realization that my parents are also getting older, their strength ebbing away.

Where I am now is probably my mid-life. That is if I live until the age of 68. I can’t understand why people keep saying 30s are still young, when you’re only about 20 years away from retirement. And what can you do within that remaining years to achieve more than now? It’s all about opportunities and a little bit of luck.

Sometimes I feel as if I’m sailing through life without a direction, just following where the wind is blowing. Thus, the phrase “going with the flow” is not really a good phrase to base your life on. We must have direction, we need to have a destination. And one sure destination is meeting Him. How we meet him, that’s the direction that we need to decide.

Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JADE! May you be wiser and more cheerful from today onwards! May you achieve your dreams, your needs and wants, may you have all the love that the world can give you. May you be a great wife to your hubby and an awesome mom to your daughter. I know the wish comes a little late, but hey, better late than never!

The Week That Was…

One week ago today, I was slowly recovering from the fright.

WARNING: LENGTHY POST AHEAD…

Just a day after her 11-month birthday, my daughter was admitted to KPJ Tawakal for lung infection. Two days before that, I was at a project kick-off, where I was about to deliver the afternoon workshop, when I received a call from The Hubby, they were on their way to the ER. Little Princess was not doing well. She had  fever over the weekend, but was fine on Monday. Little that I knew, it will be the start of emotional journey for me and the rest of the family.

Upon receiving the call, I told my colleagues I have to leave, and passed the presentation to my Account Manager. While driving, my heart is beating furiously, thinking what could’ve gone wrong. She only had fever, that went up and down, yes, and a little coughing. When I arrived in the ER, the nurses were sponging my daughter, and she was crying looking frightened. It broke my heart. I immediately picked her up from the examination table and hold her tightly close, whilst the nurses kept on sponging her. I later told the nurse, I’ll do it myself while nursing her. I did not let myself cry, not yet.

We went to see her paed half an hour later. She ordered blood test and urine test. The look in my little princess eyes.. while the nurse wrapped her in the blanket to hold her still to draw blood… I couldn’t get it off my mind. She looked at me with a question, “Mami, what are they doing to me?” I had to hold my baby down while the nurse drew blood from her. I did not let myself cry, not yet. Held her close immediately after it finished. Once out from the room, I could not hold myself back any longer. While comforting my daughter, with istighfar and tasbeeh non-stop… I cried. And cried. The Hubby hugged me, but still I cried.

We were at the lab area for more than an hour, waiting for Little Princess to pee, but she didn’t. So the doctor asked us to come back to her room. While there, my baby peed, and the urine was sent to the lab. Her blood had traces of bacteria according to the doctor. So she prescribed antibiotics, and I do not want her to stay in the hospital much longer. We went back. It was Tuesday.

Wednesday, I stayed at home, looking after her. She was well. Laughing and playing. All day long. Just the two of us. It was her 11 month birthday. Then that night, she started to act differently. Her breathing was heavy, and when giving her water to drink, I felt as if the water came out through her lungs… I tried not to worry, for she slept soundly. In the morning, she seemed very quiet, not quite herself. She just wanted to sleep and lie down. Her breathing was  still heavy. I called her paed, and she advised me to bring her in.

It was Thursday. And this is where my nightmare really started…

There was no room available to admit Little Princess. I was beside myself. I couldn’t quite control my emotions. My baby was turning blue, and they would ask us to wait??!! But I know, oh I know the nurse was trying her best to get any available room. There were rooms should already been available, because the patients were discharged, but they still hadn’t check-out, taking their own sweet time to get their asses away from the hospital. Such selfishness! Such stupidity! Such heartlessness! No caring whether other people would die out of their careless actions! The paed did not even want to look at my baby, but she looked worried. She lost a patient before, maybe there were myriads of worry running through her head… We finally managed to get an adult VVIP room.

My baby was not doing well. That’s what the doctor said. Her condition had worsen. She ordered an x-ray. Again, I was with Little Princess throughout. Held her down, assuring her that everything would be fine. Reciting dua close to her little ears, while she hold on to me with her frail hands and frightened eyes. Ya Allah… only you know how I feel inside, please, please let my baby be fine… Please make her stronger… Please make her brave… I couldn’t stop pleading, and pleading… I have no power at all to make my baby better. Only He does. He can help, and He will help me!

They put her on oxygen then. She had drip in her little hand. Pumping water and antibiotics into her little body. Ya Allah… seeing this tiny little person with all the wires around her… She also had a sensor around her little toe that tracked her oxygen level and heartbeat. And my baby, she had very little energy, just lying there. I slept beside her in that big hospital bed. We had to move rooms three times before we finally had a single room to ourselves.

I kept on thinking… I just started sending her to the daycare. Only 3 days the week before. And she’s already like this? What did I do wrong? Where did I miss it? The Hubby told me not blame myself, and portioning the blame will not make our baby better. He was right of course, but what have I not done enough?

Friday, when the doctor came in the evening to check on Little Princess, she looked… relieved. The antibiotics were doing their job. But my baby still needed the oxygen tube on. Owh… I haven’t told you about the first physio session…

Friday morning, I brought her for physio session. I was prepared for the first part, but not the second, eventhough the physiotherapist walked me through it. I was not prepared for the tiny tube to be inserted into my baby’s nostrils and mouth! No! But I knew I couldn’t stop it. In fact, in one occasion, I helped to open my baby’s mouth, because she was clamping it tight. Ya Allah, make me strong! inwardly I screamed… The moment it was finished, I held her tightly, held her, and held her. They wanted to put her straight to the drip, but I said no. I wanted my baby to have what normal moment she could before she’s confined back to the bed.

You can say it’s normal for babies going to the daycare to have infection or to be admitted. But I still say NO. It’s not normal for these little people to be confined to hospital beds with tubes around them. NO! NO! NO! A thousand times NO! They should be healthy. Happy little people, running around enjoying their lives! You may say it’s normal for your baby, if you want to. But not for me. Never for me.

Little Princess had three more physio sessions before she was discharged on Sunday afternoon. Yes, she was discharged on Sunday. But it was an emotionally harrowing four days of my life. The hospital walls closing in every single day, I though I would go crazy. Ya Allah, please, I don’t ever want to go through this experience again. Ever.

On Saturday, I was supposed to go to the induction session for my MBA course, but I didn’t go. I thought that would be my escape for a little while from the hospital. But owh… the words a loved one could say to make you feel really bad about yourself. I felt awful, I was the worst mother in the world for wanting to be away from my baby, just a little while. Ya Allah, forgive me. Hana, forgive your Mami for being so weak. I am so sorry for even thinking that I’d the rights to escape. Everyone else came and went back. Even The Hubby could leave the hospital to get a change of clothes, etc. But no, not the Mami. Mami had to stay.

My Little Princess is recovering well. She’s almost 100% back to herself. No more coughing since yesterday, Alhamdulillah. She had to continue a course of antibiotics, and finished up the antibiotics that was prescribed to her in the hospital the past week. She’s filling up back the fats that she lost in that week that she was unwell. Every time I saw her ribs and legs and hands these past two weeks, I couldn’t help but cry. She’s not a plump baby, thus she looked really frail without the fats on her body.

Needless to say, no one would be able to understand what I felt, except for a mother, except for a woman. For we have this tiny part of us that Allah SWT has given to us and only us. And this feeling that you feel, once you’ve seen your child in that way, it will never go away.

O Allah, thank you for making my daughter better. Thank you for listening to my prayers. You only test me with tests that You know I could go through and not more than that.

Good, Good Life

If there is an automatic setting for this blog to have cobwebs when there is no update every three days, this blog will be full of it. My last entry was in September and it was a test entry from the iPad. You would think with the iPad, there will be more updates. Ha ha ha.

Life, if you just live it, is very, very interesting indeed. You meet new people, you re-acquainted with old friends, you get along with someone, and you write about all these people, you observe them, and you read what they write, and life by all means are very, very exciting.

The sky has been the bluest blue these past couple of days. Sure there are some grey clouds floating around, but I am thoroughly enjoying the blue sky. Somehow, with it being so blue, the rest of the world becomes more beautiful. Trees and grasses look greener, hills look prettier than ever.

And life, it’s like that. When we choose to see all the beauty in it, we will focus on the good things instead of the bad things (grey clouds). There are a lot more good friends than bad, more beautiful memories than sad ones, easier ways to do things than harder, and the list goes on and on. Ultimately it’s our choice. If we choose to see the bad things in life, it will consume us and we will end up being suffocated.

I’ve been really busy lately to catch up with old friends, good friends. If I continue down this road, I will end up losing them. Luckily the bunch that I hold dear, understand the life, and when we do catch up, it’s as if there were no hiatus in between. And again, it is my choice, to make the time and effort to pick up the phone and ring them, or just compose a new email. Sure, we cannot get together as often as we like, but we must continue to connect. In any way we can.

I look around, I see people connecting every day, every single moment. Some with honest intentions, some not. Some genuinely like the people they are connecting with, some do it because they have to. And that is life.

We are souls that thirst for connection, for involvement. That is the reason some of us are in temporary relationship, or trapped in a bad relationship, because any connection is better than none. No one is a detached soul. The thing that differs one person to the next, are the intentions and ultimate goal. What do you want from the connection or involvement?

Although life is not always fair, and relationship is not always smooth, choose to look at the bright side of things. That life is not always unfair and relationship is not always rocky. Aim for balance. The sky is not always grey, and for today, it is the brightest blue!

I love my life!

I am blessed again…

I secretly feel that things are shaping up nicely, insyaAllah.

Several great things are happening, one by one, albeit slow and steady. But I am not complaining, as they say, slow and steady wins the race. I still believe in that. But if you can be quick and steady, it is even better. :-)

In late June my request to blog with the PMI blog team was accepted. And earlier this week, my first post was published. You can read it here: Grooming the Apprentice Project Manager. You’re most welcome to share your thoughts on the topic. And maybe add in your own tips and techniques in coaching your team members on management skills.

After I was accredited as a PMP, I started a small blog: Looneypuff’s Project Management Blog. My main objectives was to share my study notes and ideas on PMBOK Guide 4th Edition especially for PMP aspirants. Besides that, I also want to share my own insights on project management,team management, coaching, etc. A couple of months back, I was contacted by one of the familiar faces in PMP training, Cornelius Fichtner, to re-publish his articles in my blog. I hope the blog will be useful not only to PMP aspirants but by other people as well. Who knows, one day I’ll come up with a book! Ameen!

In late May I received a new job offer. I did not jump to accept it right away because although it looked promising, I did a double take. I was hoping that other options would come up. But none did, so after discussing with The Hubby, I accepted the offer. My main concern is to start building a real portfolio that can be useful in the future.

Two weeks ago, I was contacted by a manger from one of the companies that I went for interview during my confinement period (LOL). Apparently the director would like to meet up with me and last week I went for the second interview. By the end of the session I can sense he already made his decision whether to hire me or not; I just wasn’t sure which one. His poker face is awesome; got to learn that. I received the call next day telling me I got the job and that “the director is keen” for me to join the team. The offer is not as good as the first one I received, but I accepted it immediately. Hah! I’m cheap!

Upon receiving the letter of offer, I contacted the first company to tell them I am unable to join them next month. To my surprise, the HR manager that I met whom I collected my offer letter from has resigned; and she was only 8 months in the company! Does not sound very promising, eh? After a brief discussion with the HR executive, I sent an email to them through the headhunter that matched me with the company. And this headhunter is another story. I told her that my reasons of retracting my acceptance of the offer is personal, she got agitated and hang up the phone! My experience with her had not been a good one since beginning, so I wrote her a very nice email. Really, it was a nice email, not even one angry word.

I have also began a cute little thing with my good friend Mel: Cool Tots. Do drop by and check out the things that we have to offer. We are new, but we plan to stay for a long, long time. We are not only selling cool things online, but we are also sharing tips and ideas on many, many things. Some of which are being contributed by other parents worldwide. So, check us out at Cool Tots today!

So, in short, I am hoping all these new ventures will be good for the family and I. We are building our nest, and I hope to fill it not only with worldly goods but spiritual values as well, insyaAllah.

My Girlfriends…

Dudes you should stay away from:

1. Dude who wears Hawaiian shirt, with tight jeans and pointed shoes.
2. Dude in numero uno who walks pass you and say, “You’re looking lucky lady!”
3. Dude driving a 5-series, with one hand on the steering wheel, stopping at the traffic light waiting for you to cross even though the light is green for him, raising his eyebrows with sheepish smile. NOTE: He might just be the driver, picking up his boss at the next corner.
4. Dude with white pair of shoes, more so if they are pointed ones – I just distrust people with white shoes… they look like Casanovas. So, people say don’t judge the book by its cover, but first impression matters!
5. Dude who looks as if he didn’t take his morning shower – I personally like a man with a sense of style, looks polished, don’t you think so?
6. Dude who is smelly – hygiene is important y’all!
7. Dude who flashes his wealth; i.e. iPad2, Blackberry Torch, iPhone4, OMEGA wristwatch, etc., those might be the only things he has!
8. Dude who pays your first dinner with credit card.
9. Dude who is generous with praises. (Au contraire, a husband must be generous with praises for his wife… haha)
10. Dude who says, “thats mean”, and proceed to speak with an accent, especially when he was born outside of down under, the Queen’s land, and away from the cowboys. Yes I’m a bit snob about this.

The list could be longer, but these are the things that came to my mind for now. Just beware of superficial dudes. They might not be who they seem to be. Besides, we’re empowered women, we don’t need our men to furnish our lifestyles. Kan?

11 days later

I was not a beautiful elegant lady during and after the birth. My face was void of blood, my eyes were puffy, my legs were swollen. The epidural made my legs heavy, ponstan was making me lethargic. Now I understand why French women have their magic potion ready by bedside to be used after the long hours of labor. Clarins has one of those, it’s called Flash Beaute. I had planned to get it, but it slipped my mind once I’m settled at my parents’ abode.

Looking back at my picture with The Hubby and Baby Hana at the hospital, although there was smile on my face, it will always remind me of the experience in the labor room; The Hubby’s face of helplessness, the sharp jarring pain, The Doctor’s encouraging voice, the nurses worried faces, my mom’s anxious looks, then the moment Baby Hana was put on my tummy with The Doctor reciting the Iqamah, Baby Hana’s first cry, Hubby’s voice in my ear while the etonox muddled the pain of being stitched up, The Hubby’s grip on my hand while we watch our baby being examined… The images will flood my mind one after another, overlapping between before and after.

Yes, I did not have an easy first birth. I know some people do. The saying about having big bottoms will have easy birth, it’s a myth. I have big butt (and I’m not lying about it) but well, you know the story. Haih, I hope my story doesn’t scare any mothers-to-be as it’s an experience no women should deny if they have the chance to it.

Let me tell you, the feeling once it was all over. When Baby Hana was put on my tummy, the feeling is indescribable. For me, it was almost similar to the day when The Hubby accepted the aqad. The way you look at this little thing suddenly changed. For 9 months all I could see was a projected image on the screen and pieces of printed photo, but now, here she is. A living, breathing little person, and I cannot help but cried a little. She is so small and she is totally dependant on people around her to love her, to care for her. At the end of the day, all the pain are totally worth it. I did not cry once while I was in pain, but I could not stop the tears when I look at my daughter.

I have a husband. And I have a daughter.

I am still, after one year of marriage marveling at the fact that someone is willing to share his life with me. It still bring tears of humility and happiness whenever I think about it. And now I have another miracle bestowed upon me. My very own child. Every time I look at her, all trusting and full of wonders, I could not help but thank Allah for giving me this chance. I don’t mind if this is the only one, for I am determine to raise her right, insyaAllah. Quality over quantity, that’s my take.

Tomorrow is our first check-up with the doctors after the delivery. I’m so looking forward to be out there, and breathe the polluted air! Ha ha ha… Baby Hana has appointment with her paed, I hope she will stay an angel that she is. He he he… wishful thinking eh?

Owh, my next post I guess, will be about this confinement period and how I’m handling it. ;-)

The Birth Story

I better start writing this while it is still fresh in my mind. I do not want to lose any detail of this first time. This experience also reminded me on how you can wish and pray for something, but Allah SWT will always have a better plan for you. And you must redha and be thankful. Always.

Thursday, 10/02/2011

We went for check-up, prepared to be admitted that evening. Doctor said I was 2cm dilated and very soft, which means it will be anytime from there on. She said if I don’t deliver the next day, it will be over the weekend. So, it was up to me if I wanted to be induced on Friday. The Hubby let me decide although later on he said he was not yet prepared mentally. :-) Truth be told, if I really think about it, I was not ready neither.

We went back, holding hands in the car, hearts beating furiously, at least for me. The Hubby had to go back to the office. I started to feel pain once or twice every hour that night. And every time the pain came, I would be quiet suddenly. Sometimes, the pain came every 15 minutes. But we made it through the night without having to rush to the ER.

Friday, 11/02/2011

The D-day. We went to Tawakal Hospital early, straight to the admission counter. All rooms were full so I was ushered straight to the labour room. There’s no turning back. It was almost 10 am. The nurse prep me quickly, change of clothes, a chair in front of the toilet door, and few minutes later, it’s heart beating fast waiting for the doctor. Mak was waiting outside the labour ward since only husbands were allowed in. At this moment, I could still smile and joking with The Hubby. I think he took one picture of me, all smiles.

Doctor came at almost noon. While she was examining me, my water broke. So, doctor, with confidence told me that she’ll give it four to six hours. The pain with capital P came after noon. I overcame hurdle after hurdle. It started to peak at around 3pm. I could not watch The Hubby’s face, because I could see how helpless he felt. He wanted to help to massage me, but I said no, he wanted to talk to me and I just wanted quiet, he kept asking me to tell him what he could do for me and all I can say was “there’s nothing you could do for me now, sayang” which I know broke his heart even more. I believed he did not stop praying and making dua’ all the time. Doctor came again at 4pm and asked me again if I really do not want epidural, which I replied in positive. Doctor left. Nurse came in and checked the CTG, she looked a little worried and told me The Baby’s heartbeat was a little erratic. She said it was because I was stressed and The Baby is feeling it too. Nurse said not to worry about taking epidural since almost everyone is taking it, including her. I told her I just don’t want drugs on my baby and again came the familiar statement that the medication does not effect the baby. She left me to decide, and I looked at The Hubby.

Hubby again left it up to me, because he knows how strongly I feel about the matter. In the end, I decided to take it, because I do not want to risk The Baby. When the nurse came to explain about epidural, I just told her that, skip the explanation and just go ahead and do it. Ha ha ha… I think the nurse was taken aback, but at the moment, I was only thinking of The Baby. When the anesthetist came to administer the epidural, I was oblivious to everything, my eyes were closed to overcome the next wave of pain. He tried to administer while I was lying down on my side but could not, so he asked the nurse to sit me up and bent forward. The Hubby had to wait outside while all these being done. The effect was immediate. I felt cold a moment, and then, no pain. But I felt the urge to pass motion from time to time, and that was my trigger for pushing.

The epidural was administered at 5pm. I was fully dilated by 7pm, but The Baby is still nowhere near being delivered. Doctor came and said if by 8pm no change, I will have to go for C-sect. I felt really sad at that time, and it pushed me to work even harder, although I do not know how much harder could I add to the push. I felt I had given all I can. I was asked to lie on my left side, and push when the urge to do so came. That’s what I did, non-stop.

Doctor came in at 8pm and told us there is a final attempt for a normal delivery. Which is to vacuum the baby out. While doctor was explaining and preparing, I kept on pushing whenever I felt the urge. On one of the push, The Doctor said that she could see The Baby’s hair and in the midst of it, I actually asked for clarification, “Baby has hair?” and all eyes were on me. He he he… I heard The Doctor said a while later that she’s going to do a little cut on me and during that time, I do not care that I did not want episiotomy either. I just want The Baby delivered safely. On one of the push, suddenly The Baby was on my tummy and I just could not believe what I was looking at. She was a little blue because she was stucked too long in the birth canal. The birth was difficult because she was facing up.

Alhamdulillah, after all that, my beautiful baby girl, Hana, was delivered at 8:27pm on 11th February 2011.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter I did not get a drug free birth experience or sans episiotomy, all that matter is that my daughter was delivered safely and she’s a healthy baby.

She is 7 day-old today. We will do a little doa selamat session amongst us, and The Hubby will shave her head. InsyaAllah her Aqiqah is already administered by EzyQurban today.

Thank you to all of you who prayed for us, for our safety, for our health. We are forever thankful. After all that, I do believe, that we, The Hubby, Baby Hana and I are really blessed. Thank you Allah.

A New Beginning

My blog is going to get more and more domesticated. No more repressed feelings. No more bitter remembrances. Reason?

I’m looking to the future now. And nothing is going to stop me from doing just that.

See the new ticker above? Well, that’s what’s new in my life. In OUR lives. We are anxious and excited at the same time. I guess that is normal. The journey, albeit only 10 weeks, had been a slight roller coaster ride.

When we first found out, it was through the home test. Well, I was late, and I felt fat. And because I’m such an intelligent person (cheewaaahhh!) I sorta suspected it. Momster forced me to do the test while I was trying to be in limbo for a longer time. :-p

The Hubby was waiting anxiously for me to open the pregnancy test box. I didn’t know why it was so difficult to open it. He could not bear the suspense any longer and took the box away from me and ripped it open! Ha ha ha… Okay, “ripping it” is a bit to melodramatic because the box is still intact until today. But that’s just me describing the situation that night. It was before we went out to watch a movie. Hmmm… maybe he was afraid that we would be late for the movie! :-p

It was a plus sign. And we went to see the doctor near our house the next day. The doctor just took the pregnancy test from the night before as true and congratulate us. She asked us to come back in two weeks to do the first scan. I started on the folic acid. Later only that I knew, folic acid is supposed to be taken even before you get pregnant.

Few days later, I started to buy books. Ha ha ha… as below:

The last one is for The Hubby, of course! He he he… and let me tell you, I belief it has good impact on him. :-)

So, two weeks later we went to the same clinic for the follow up check-up. Owh… this is a dedicated maternity clinic and equipped with delivery room and maternity ward. Not that I had the chance to see around though. So, both of us are excited for the first scan. Just the other day The Hubby told me that I was glowing. He had such surprise in his face and I was reluctant not to believe him, because all I see in the mirror is my puffy face in the morning. Sigh.

The doctor ( a different lady doctor this time) asked the same questions while looking at my record from the previous visit. And she ushered me to the examining bed for the scan. After giving me a couple of minutes to get comfortable, she started to put the cool jelly on my slightly bloated tummy. It was a bit unpleasant actually, because of the pressure that she put. We saw the sac and The Hubby and I automatically linked our hands a while. And then, the bomb came. “Tak dapat cari heartbeat lah…” said the doctor (I cannot find the heartbeat).

I was speechless and immediately run through my head the things I did, the food I ate for the past weeks. I was kicked out from the gym by Mr Trainer, although I have not started working out yet. Just walked in and talking to him (with my gym bag on my shoulder of course). I was careful not to overdid the housework. I turned my head to look at The Hubby and my eyes started to teary… And the doctor suggested we scanned from below. I did not comprehend.

Until she started to change the scanner head and inserted it into a condom. Yikes! I was screaming in my head. It was VERY uncomfortable. And she still could not detect the heartbeat. Later her words to us; “Nak cuci sekejap jer, nak mengandung susah, so datang balik in two weeks lah yer?” (To clean it is fast, but to get pregnant is not easy, so come back in two weeks). I just nodded my head for whatever exchanged between The Hubby and the doctor was just a buzz to me.

The Hubby started to notice the change in me the moment we walked out from the room. I was very quiet. I was just feeling down. Later I shared the news with Momster and she told me to get second opinion. And since she had experience on miscarriage before she was being logical all the time. I tried to stay positive all week, but it was hard. And I could not bear it. So, I made an appointment to see another doctor, this time in Tawakal Hospital. It took place just a week after the sad visit.

Most of the operation in Tawakal Hospital just started at the new building that week. So, when we registered to see the doctor, we even get a goodie bag! We were the first couple to arrive, but had to wait a little while because they had problems with the network. I explained to the doctor about the situation and she quickly ushered me to the examining bed after checking my blood pressure.

The doctor explained that their scanner is 4D and I could see how big the difference is with the simple scanner in the maternity clinic. Not that I’m impressed by the look and size, because I was just dying to know whether I’m really carrying or if it’s a missed pregnancy. Less than a minute later the visual came up and I could clearly see the frantic movement in the sac. And the doctor said, “Tu, ada heartbeat.” (There’s the heartbeat). She switched on the audio and at that moment it’s the sweetest sound on earth, I swear. I didn’t realise that The Hubby and I were already holding hands. My eyes got teary and this time out of happiness. The doctor told me not to be worried. I think The Hubby was very relieved because he started to tell the doctor how I keep on worrying and feeling sad. So, I had a small lecture from the doctor because of that. And all I wanted to do was hug the doctor. But we just met, so I’ll save it for later I guess.

My next appointment was set a month from that date, which is end of this month, where I will complete my first trimester, InsyaAllah. Alhamdulillah. I’m happy with this new gift from The Almighty. And I pray all the good things for myself, The Hubby and our future child.

When I first knew I was pregnant, Momster was already a month or so ahead of me. It created such a bonding. And then I came to know her sister-in-law, who was my ex-colleague, Memey, was also pregnant, a week later than me. But as we rejoiced and get ready, many tests were put forward, like my case, and most recently, Memey lost hers. But I’m positive, and Momster concurred, that Memey will get re-pregnant very soon. Yes, I just invented a word I believe.

All in all, this tells us that we could only plan. And He is the one to decide for it to be or not to be. The Hubby and I did not plan to have kids so early, but we are being given the amanah to carry this miracle. So we accept wholeheartedly. I believe that everything will fall into place nicely because He will test us with tests that we could handle. If we were not sure about having a baby before, the scare we had confirmed that we actually want it. There you go. He knows what’s best for us and what we need. And who are we to question that, right?

So, here begins a new chapter in the Memoir of Looneypuff. It started out with me being all looney and girl power fighting machine. Well, I’m still all those, just not too intense like before. I was a sad person before. Always lamenting, always complaining, always feeling bereft and left out. But was always enjoying life to its fullest albeit the emptiness. I am now more grounded, I believe, and fulfilled. Alhamdulillah. And still enjoying life to the fullest!

I can now use the oven!

The electrician came and the kitchen’s wiring is finally fixed! And The Hubby surprised me by asking them to fix the balcony wiring as well! As such, I am now responsible to find a suitable light fixture. Yeay! By the way, I love their work; so neat and nice! I’d recommend them!

The renovation next door is still on going. But nearing its end I hope. Soon, there will be peace and tranquillity again. Hehe… So dramatic.

I think sometimes, in the quest of getting our partner to understand our needs, we fail to remember that we have to understand them too. We forget that our actions will also make them feel uneasy or sad. And just because they are men, it doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings. They will never admit it though, because it goes against their nature. Such is the manly-man.

Women need words. Don’t lie and say you don’t ladies. Because with words we feel comforted. When words turn into actions, it makes us feel over the top. Some women are comforted just by words and promises. And even i the men never get around to do what they said, the women still hang to more words. And I said, some.

Men on the other hand, are not so into words. Especially giving them. Receiving, they like it because it makes them feel adored and wanted. When giving words, it means they have to bare their emotions and feelings. In other words quantifying their feelings and acknowledging them. While they feel uneasy, women feel happier when they receive it. Because like men, it makes us feel adored and wanted.

No one ever said relationship is easy. And living together means all your actions and facial reactions are observed almost 24/7. And hearts are easily slighted because of this. I’ve got a lot of improvements to make. And everytime I need to, all I have to remember is to be ikhlas in everything I do. And no one ever said that relationship is one sided. Both parties have to work on it. ;-)

Two Weeks of Silence

It has been a while since my last update. Let’s see… It’s week two into June 2010 which means I have been absent for two weeks! Yikes! Well, I’m here now, so let’s just recap two weeks of activities into this one post.

I have been practicing with Kak Anoi quite a lot, whenever I could. And I must say I like my amateurish products so far. I have not gone into post production yet. I would very much like to get the most from the camera and have little to do with Photoshop and such. :-p The Hubby has taught me some tricks to get quirky images as well. He he he… And he has just bought a set of lighting and stuff for a mini studio at home. And who else to become the model but yours truly. Har har har…

My goal now is to get the correct configurations for specific settings as well as good composition. So far I think I’m on the right track. Errr… Has to be verified by my sifoo lah kan?

The contractor and electrician will come by the house tomorrow morning to fix the wiring at the kitchen. Hopefully by end of the week I can start my devious plans. He he he… From there, we will see how far we can go.

Mak and Abah is leaving for Umrah in less than two weeks. There are few things that I need to prepare for them before they go. Alhamdulilah, my uncle and aunt is going with them, so at least they will look after each other. I am a little worried truth be told. I pray that their Ibadah will go smoothly and blessed by Allah Almighty. :-) Owh, they will also visit a couple of places in Jordan for a short while after the Umrah. I’m happy knowing that they will be able to see a little of the world.

Other than that, there’s nothing new. My blog has become boring“er” by each post, I think. I have some repressed feelings that need to be let out honestly. Ha ha ha… however, I have to take time not to just blurt everything out without reconstructing my words. Haih… how I miss the old days. But change is a necessary part of our lives, so I’ll adjust.

Owh, I think I was a tad rude to our neighbour. Well, it’s hard to smile when their house renovation is affecting my day-to-day living. Not only pieces of cement are all over the porch, not to mention the three times flooding, and the noise pollution over the weekend. Haiyaaa… I know I was rude while I was being rude, but I couldn’t help it! :-( It’s very frustrating. I don’t have maids to do daily cleaning like they do. I’m constantly trying to make the house to look nice and inviting, but I constantly feel that I’m failing. I didn’t know being a homemaker could be this emotionally taxing! Ha ha ha…

Anyway, the renovation is almost done. And hopefully things will get back to normal soon. And I hope she keeps her word when she told me that her contractor will clean the cement off the porch area when they are done. Otherwise, there’s a lot of billing to be done; to her AND/OR her contractor! :-p Boleh ke macam tuh? Ha ha ha…

Leather S.O.S

I don’t fancy leather couch. It’s difficult to make it look homey. You can’t really put cushions on it and get away with it. In our weather, adding a throw would be asking for a home-made sauna. So, no, I don’t fancy leather couch.

My old couch, it was not expensive branded couch. But it was an extra large size, faux suede like fabric L-shape couch. It did it job. It was comfortable and homey. And I did add throw on it, because I was renting an eight floor apartment, which means I can let the sliding door open and get fresh air; unless it was the haze season. I miss my old couch. But it served its purpose to me, and now it’s making my parent’s living hall snazzy. My brother call it the modern area of the house.

Leather couch tends to be impersonal. Even when  you have personal items on it. Leather tends to separate itself from the rest. Why am going on and on about leather sofa, I don’t know. Maybe because I AM sitting in one? Can’t put it away, because it’s not mine to begin with.

And I think, that’s the underlying issue. Not mine.

There are a lot of things that you cannot do when some things are not yours. You can’t change the way a project is managed because you’re not the project manager, which means, the project is not yours. You cannot raise objections to your neighbour about the renovation they are doing because it’s their house. There a lot of things that you cannot do when you are not in control.

So, what can you do? Well, for starters, to get an insider that you know to help to raise the issue. You cannot solve everything on your own. You need to ask help. Some things, yes, you can settle it all alone. But a lot of things, need outside assistance. So don’t be shy to ask for help.

Next, timing. Like it or not, you need to find the right time to ask for help. First of all, if it involves emotions, and you’re feeling upset, the best way is to take time to cool down. Then only ask for help. Otherwise, the call for help will be delivered wrongly. Trust me, I did this mistake before. :-p

So. What was it that I was babbling about? Oh yaa… I don’t fancy leather couch.

You are Beautiful, Dark Skinned Woman!

A pretty girl looks out the window from her second floor hotel room. She sees another pretty girl coming out from a chauffer driven car. She recognises the girl as one of the local celebrities. Reporters and photographers are crowding the famous girl as she walks into the hotel lobby. Pretty girl suddenly had an idea and quickly dresses to the nines. As the celebrity comes up the stairs, the pretty girl descends it. All the reporters and photographers attention is switched to the pretty girl. Even the celebrity stops in the middle of her ascend and stares at the pretty girl. Everyone looks mesmerised by the pretty girl. Pretty girl smiles with a satisfied smug on her face.

That is a cramped version of Lux’s latest advertisement to promote their shower cream; Lux White Impress. In a nutshell, everyone is in awe looking at the FAIR pretty girl including the tanned celebrity.

Advertisement like this is very popular in our country. Probably all Asian countries. Ironically, original Asians are not fair, milky white skinned people. They will be a little yellow or a little brown. Except maybe Japanese. Anyway, let’s talk about Malaysians. UNLESS you have mixed blood from Arabic bloodline or other pale skin genes, you would be less fair. A little hint of yellow or just brown.

I personally feel that ads like this is ridiculous, demeaning and insulting. Ridiculous, because our country is a melting pot of cultures and people. Demeaning, because there should not be double standard because of our skin colour. Insulting, because whether we are brown or pale or yellow or black, we are beautiful creations of God.

When children see ads like these, what kind of message are we giving to them? The fair skinned will feel they are superior in the looks department and the dark skinned ones will feel deprived. Name callings will start. And they grow up having a set of belief that does not promote harmony.

Let me tell you a story of my own experience.

When I was in primary school, I beat up a boy because he called me “hitam” (black). Yes, you read it right the first time. His mother knows mine. And after that incident, she never talks to my mother again. I wonder why. When I was in secondary school, I started to learn what inferiority is. Just because, being fair skinned was considered (still is) more beautiful. I did not know then how strong this belief will later affect my confidence and romantic relationships. Suffice to say, it scarred me and only in my mid 20s that I managed to take control and love myself thoroughly. I still have relapsed moment once in a while, because the feeling never really leave you. But I’m lucky, because now I have someone who really loves me for who I am… (ehem…)

So, again, I ask you. What kind of messages are we giving to our young ones?

I don’t know about you. But I am disturbed by this phenomenon. Do you know that in India, the parents actually said that it’s better to be dead (or something like that) than to have a dark skinned daughter? How bizarre is that, when their gene pool does not really allow their generation to be anything else unless they have albino trait! They associate fair skin with beauty and success.

Surprisingly, the most affected by this belief and social standard are women. Sad, but true. So, dark skinned women are socially pressured and we ended up buying those beauty products that promise us fairer skin in 4 weeks! How much do you think we can mutate our cells?

And to be more bizarre, I have fair skinned friends who absolutely belief that they are dark skinned! And they buy whitening products too! Unbelievable! But true.

So there you go. Malaysians are COLOURIST! We are so backward thinking that skin colour becomes an overlooked issue. I personally feel that advertisers that is creating such demeaning advertisement should be sued. And the products companies? They also should be sued for false advertising which resulting in false expectation.

This is such a long post. I just hope someone will read it, and see it as a REAL issue. It’s not healthy making people inferior. Just because we have something which is God-given. And to all tanned women out there who are still feeling small, chin up girls. Truth be told, coloured skin is beautiful. As a a good friend commented before; it adds character to the owner. And trust me when I say that if a man looks down to you because you’re not fair skinned, he is NOT worth even a second of your thoughts. Move on because you are worth so much more than him. Seriously.

At Work Today

I am now enforcing comment moderation. Please don’t let this de-motivate you from commenting. I have noticed these past weeks that I am getting spam comments from weird sources. Upon translating the comments using free translation tool, my jaw dropped, because it refers to some naked, nude and ill websites. Hah! I shall not be one of the agents! So, comment moderation it is. I am fine with no feedbacks from my readers (hopefully I at least have those) but comments of this nature are totally unwelcome in Looneypuff’s dream world. If I need to see actions, I now have The Hubby to refer to. Ehem.

So, what am I going to babble about today? Few things happened up to the moment I decided to put in the comment moderation today. So, I am going to choose to talk about WORK today. It is a never-ending story.

 When I arrived to the site today and checked my email, I received an instruction to perform a task. Which I’m elated to do, except for the fact, not enough information is being provided. So I called up related people to get clarification on the matter. When words began to form shapes in my mind (I do mind map in my mind, apparently) it occurred to me that the task was independent of the server or the database. All that is required, are the script, the list and the moderation files. Three files. And a shell script container. And voila! you can run the script.

So, the problem is that, I only have the list. While the moderation file is back in the office. As I said, I am at the site. So, I requested the related person to copy the HUGE sized moderation file into the external hard disk and put the disk on my table. Since the script is independent and I am going to the office tomorrow, I shall do it then. To which the related person who is the Project Manager for this project said, “Oh, in that case, you send me the list and I ask them to execute it in the office today, lah”.

I seriously don’t have an issue with that. My geram state is because, this activity could be completed since two weeks ago maybe? But it’s as if no plans are being made. It’s like, do the activity when you remember to do it. Hmmm… And these people call themselves “managers”. And shall I say, proudly, signing emails with the position. Or exclaimed loudly that they are “managers”. Haiyaaaa…

In this new era there is such thing as sucking up to the boss. There is such thing as double-standard in the office. There is STILL exist the so called “big boys club”. Yes, I am idealistic. But I support when you reward people because they deserve it, not because you feel like it. Is that being idealistic or just plain honest? And I do realise that expecting honesty in day to day life is just the same as being idealistic. Well, we are the ones who make the choices. So, if we choose to be ideal, then there’s no reason to have the “idealistic” term at all!

No, I am not angry, Just a little miffed. You have not seen me angry yet. It is ugly. Anyway, these days, I see the job as a mean to an end. It pays the bill. I believe the path that I am on, has been determined by The Almighty because of the choices that I made in the past. And for every choice that I made there are rewards and there are lessons. This is part of the lesson. And when the time is right, when the state is at its equilibrium, I will be given choices again. And when that happens, a new path is set for me, and new rewards and lessons will be waiting for me.
I am totally accepting my every day experience as a way to remind me to be closer to God. If I have everything now, I might not remember him, right? So, TIME and PATIENCE. I have to learn to be more patient. And this current job? It’s just another set of rewards and lessons. Nothing more, nothing less.

Surviving Love Heartache

I tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I've prayed for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be , incomplete         -BSB; Incomplete

This is an example of a sad love song. It tells us how it feels like when losing someone that is very dear. Either by death or just because of a break-up in the relationship.

Writing from break-up perspective, let me tell you, it's true. It's very true; speaking from experiences.

BUT, let me also tell you that the feeling will pass after some time. For every heartache, they will heal. You cannot delete the memories, but the sadness, the pain, they will go away in time. Time heals, just like Mariah Carey's song; Love Takes Time (to heal). The tears will stop.

When you're going through a break-up whether you wanted it or not, the pain is there. You started to feel that you have wasted a lot of time and effort on this someone who is supposed to be in love with you. Because for those period of time that you're together, this other person became your centre of everything. In most cases, girls will definitely put their partner first before everything else. As it is the nature for a girl to do so. During this period, you spend most of your waking time with your partner than your friends or even family members. And obviously when the relationship ended, it feels as if the world ends with it.

But fear not, it doesn't. Because life goes on. When the other person, probably, is enjoying his/her new life, with laughter, smiles and new love, why should we wallow in tears for so long? Give time for grief because that is how you will heal. But do not stay there any longer than necessary. Life goes on. 

Some people suggest to bury yourself with work because it will stop you from thinking about the loss. I disagree. You should spend time on thinking of what you have lost, and also what you have gained through out the experience. Cherish the happy times, learn from the sad ones. From here, slowly you will see that the break up is probably the best thing that could happen to you at a very opportune time. When you bury yourself with work, you are running away from what makes you sad, you're running away from reality. It's fine to do it for a while, but sooner or later you have to face the fact that life is not the same anymore and you have to accept this new breath of air. And move on. 

Some people suggest to go out with friends rather than wallowing alone at home. I agree. But after you give time to yourself to be alone. Because the purpose of going out with friends is to enjoy and feel happy again. If you're going out while you're still in the grieving state, you will only end up with tears, if not while out, when you get back home. And this is not helping. It's okay to feel a little sadness amongst the laughter, you're only human. And move on. 

Bad experiences in love relationship might make you bitter and not trusting. That is totally understandable. And no one can judge you badly for being this way. Because now you are wiser and you will start a new relationship with a purpose in mind and will not waste your time with players and jokers anymore. Because now you see the true meaning of a relationship and the value in it. So, if you're going out with someone who has different values on relationship, you know to draw the line, and to just enjoy the company as it is. You will not expect anything more. Because now, you know what you want from a serious relationship. So you move on. 

Many people say that when the right person comes along, you do not even realise it. It just happen slowly and surely, and finally you are there! While it may not happen this way for everyone, the concept is the same. Because every one of us is meant for someone. It just need the right time for it to happen. Think of this time alone as way to enrich yourself and learn more about yourself, to love yourself more than everything else. To learn to be happy yourself, on your own, before you can be happy with someone else. And when your being is at the right frequency with that someone who is intended to you, surely the magic will happen. It sounds a little whimsical, but some how, it is true. 

And when the real thing is happening, just rejoice every moment of it. Feel the love and happiness envelop your every senses. Don't let small little things bother you so much. If you have doubts or worries, communicate it with your partner. Because a relationship with repress feelings, is not healthy, in my opinion. It's a little scary to tell the person you love that you're upset or unhappy or angry, but if you do it, it makes you speak your mind, show your partner you have a stand, and God willing, he will appreciate it and respect you more. 



Relationship is not easy. It needs hard work everyday. From the man and the woman. It cannot happen with only one person making the effort. 

I sincerely hope that this post will help friends out there who are going through the heartaches. Some cannot let go of the past and give chance to new relationships. Some are still tearing from the pain. Some in relationships but emotionally repressed. I hope you will find solace, and whenever you need to talk, you know I'm all ears for you.

Child On Board!

No, I am NOT pregnant.


I am referring to the bumper sticker people. You may notice as you drive lots of vehicles carry something similar to the above sticker. They publicly claim they have kids in their vehicles. As such, the stickers serve as a reminder for motorists to drive carefully and safely when the "stickered" vehicle is in vicinity.

However, have you also noticed how the drivers of these "stickered" vehicles drive? A lot of them conveniently forget that they have their vehicle "stickered" with the notification. I am sure they notice their kid(s) on the back seat. They just resume their "normal" driving style they use when the kid(s) is not on board.

It's unsettling. It's worrying. Are parents these days so full of themselves that they conveniently ignore the amanah that God has bestowed upon them. I hope when the time comes, I will not be one of them. This is not only for the children's safety, but also for their moral development. Kids are very observant. They see how we drive and how we act on the road. If they see us swerving in front of another vehicle, not giving indicator lights and running red lights, they will grow up thinking it is okay to break the rules or cause misery on other people on the road.

I, myself, has a long way to go to revert back to my calm self years ago. Those years, I was so calm on the road. I did not swear at all, even a small "sh*t". None. But after a couple of years feeling bullied, it changed. So now, I need to go back to the calm and well behaved Jade, because every word I utter will affect the kid. (No, I am not pregnant). So, I am grateful to The Almighty God, for giving me this kid-free time to readjust myself, which I hope will be a better me when bringing up a mini Jade.

So, let's all stand together and be a better driver. Not just for safety reason, but also for children with healthier mind and soul development. Shall we? 

When you just want to learn

I do not know if it's some kind of modus operandi for our preachers (ustazs and imams) out there; that is to be condescending and judgmental with dashes of holier-than-thou attitude. I don't think it's anyone's prerogative to say whether a person is under Allah's grace or not. We only see the physical representation of one's relationship with the Creator, but we do not see what's unseen; what's inside the person's heart. We have no rights whatsoever to determine whether one's amal and ibadah are accepted by Allah.


We really should stop being judgmental.


Our preachers need to change tactics so that they will be able to attract more people to do what's right. People these days are thinkers. They don't just follow blindly anymore. Give the people some credit and have respect towards them, even if their knowledge is lesser.


I do agree that we should educate people to stop or at least to watch less of Akademi Fantasia, Raja Lawak and whatever similar programs. These shows do not enrich us in anyway except maybe make the little ones wish they are singers themselves. 


Earlier today Mak told me what happened on Friday to my brother. He just came back home and was closing the house gate. A school bus full with primary school kids passed by and my brother smiled. One of the kids showed his middle finger to my brother just like that. What kind of reaction is THAT?! A smile is replied with rude gestures. What are we teaching kids these days?


I guess it's time to change tactics. Don't you?

No Definitive Title

Counting the days that he is away is not fun. Counting the days that he is coming back is no funner. Seriously.

I accidentally read my blog post sometime in 2005. It was before I met CapalPerak. Things were pretty dark back then. I was, as CapalPerak put it, "bitter and emo" in almost all my blog posts. But one thing for sure, my writings were more entertaining. They were written straight from the heart and definitely without censure. Har har har...

This evening, there will be a movie night in Alliance Francais. Although I have accepted the invitation, I do not know yet whether I'm going. Reason being, I feel un-fun. These days I prefer to be at home, curled in front of the idiot box watching movies or my favourite series, or just lying in bed; reading.

My last gym session was on Tuesday after two, maybe three weeks of absence. My work is taking me nowhere except to Putrajaya; let me tell you being in a freezing server room for 8 hours is a definite mis-fun activity.

I know I should stop lamenting and start doing something about this. But I feel a certain responsibility cloth around my shoulder that I do not have the heart to leave now. Maybe that's the reason why there are no news from certain sources.

Hmmm... Truly I believe that I have a charmed life. It's just not the time yet. And like finding my soulmate, getting my soulwork will definitely come at the right time.

I believe and I am grateful!

By the way, I am still emo. A Happy Emo. :-p

What Is My Calling?

Everyone has their purpose in life. Each one of us has a calling. Be it a housewife or househusband, a corporate ladder climber, a humanitarian, a volunteer, an IT specialist, an entertainer; and the list goes on.

I have been asking this question to myself for the past years, but yet to give an answer. Maybe because I ask it once, but never really ponder on it, really take time to be true to it. And maybe because of that I have not the answer yet.

I truly believe that whatever the answer to this question, it should make the one asking, truly blissfully happy. And the moment the path is known, this person is contented. And nothing else in this world will alter that.

I keep on envisioning myself in that corner office with awesome view. Very old-school of me. However, I also envision myself being able to follow my other half wherever his job or his calling is taking him. I see myself being mobile and able to work from any corner of God's world. I don't see myself being tied down to one area and my life restricted by blocks.

I may have to go back as far as twenty to twenty-five years to have the answer. And if I really, really want to be true to myself; that's what I have to do.

Well, we shall see. But I certainly see myself with MiniPerper* everywhere I go. So, maybe, that IS a sign.

*MiniPerper is Inspiron Mini 1012 that I got myself last weekend.