The Week That Was…

One week ago today, I was slowly recovering from the fright.

WARNING: LENGTHY POST AHEAD…

Just a day after her 11-month birthday, my daughter was admitted to KPJ Tawakal for lung infection. Two days before that, I was at a project kick-off, where I was about to deliver the afternoon workshop, when I received a call from The Hubby, they were on their way to the ER. Little Princess was not doing well. She had  fever over the weekend, but was fine on Monday. Little that I knew, it will be the start of emotional journey for me and the rest of the family.

Upon receiving the call, I told my colleagues I have to leave, and passed the presentation to my Account Manager. While driving, my heart is beating furiously, thinking what could’ve gone wrong. She only had fever, that went up and down, yes, and a little coughing. When I arrived in the ER, the nurses were sponging my daughter, and she was crying looking frightened. It broke my heart. I immediately picked her up from the examination table and hold her tightly close, whilst the nurses kept on sponging her. I later told the nurse, I’ll do it myself while nursing her. I did not let myself cry, not yet.

We went to see her paed half an hour later. She ordered blood test and urine test. The look in my little princess eyes.. while the nurse wrapped her in the blanket to hold her still to draw blood… I couldn’t get it off my mind. She looked at me with a question, “Mami, what are they doing to me?” I had to hold my baby down while the nurse drew blood from her. I did not let myself cry, not yet. Held her close immediately after it finished. Once out from the room, I could not hold myself back any longer. While comforting my daughter, with istighfar and tasbeeh non-stop… I cried. And cried. The Hubby hugged me, but still I cried.

We were at the lab area for more than an hour, waiting for Little Princess to pee, but she didn’t. So the doctor asked us to come back to her room. While there, my baby peed, and the urine was sent to the lab. Her blood had traces of bacteria according to the doctor. So she prescribed antibiotics, and I do not want her to stay in the hospital much longer. We went back. It was Tuesday.

Wednesday, I stayed at home, looking after her. She was well. Laughing and playing. All day long. Just the two of us. It was her 11 month birthday. Then that night, she started to act differently. Her breathing was heavy, and when giving her water to drink, I felt as if the water came out through her lungs… I tried not to worry, for she slept soundly. In the morning, she seemed very quiet, not quite herself. She just wanted to sleep and lie down. Her breathing was  still heavy. I called her paed, and she advised me to bring her in.

It was Thursday. And this is where my nightmare really started…

There was no room available to admit Little Princess. I was beside myself. I couldn’t quite control my emotions. My baby was turning blue, and they would ask us to wait??!! But I know, oh I know the nurse was trying her best to get any available room. There were rooms should already been available, because the patients were discharged, but they still hadn’t check-out, taking their own sweet time to get their asses away from the hospital. Such selfishness! Such stupidity! Such heartlessness! No caring whether other people would die out of their careless actions! The paed did not even want to look at my baby, but she looked worried. She lost a patient before, maybe there were myriads of worry running through her head… We finally managed to get an adult VVIP room.

My baby was not doing well. That’s what the doctor said. Her condition had worsen. She ordered an x-ray. Again, I was with Little Princess throughout. Held her down, assuring her that everything would be fine. Reciting dua close to her little ears, while she hold on to me with her frail hands and frightened eyes. Ya Allah… only you know how I feel inside, please, please let my baby be fine… Please make her stronger… Please make her brave… I couldn’t stop pleading, and pleading… I have no power at all to make my baby better. Only He does. He can help, and He will help me!

They put her on oxygen then. She had drip in her little hand. Pumping water and antibiotics into her little body. Ya Allah… seeing this tiny little person with all the wires around her… She also had a sensor around her little toe that tracked her oxygen level and heartbeat. And my baby, she had very little energy, just lying there. I slept beside her in that big hospital bed. We had to move rooms three times before we finally had a single room to ourselves.

I kept on thinking… I just started sending her to the daycare. Only 3 days the week before. And she’s already like this? What did I do wrong? Where did I miss it? The Hubby told me not blame myself, and portioning the blame will not make our baby better. He was right of course, but what have I not done enough?

Friday, when the doctor came in the evening to check on Little Princess, she looked… relieved. The antibiotics were doing their job. But my baby still needed the oxygen tube on. Owh… I haven’t told you about the first physio session…

Friday morning, I brought her for physio session. I was prepared for the first part, but not the second, eventhough the physiotherapist walked me through it. I was not prepared for the tiny tube to be inserted into my baby’s nostrils and mouth! No! But I knew I couldn’t stop it. In fact, in one occasion, I helped to open my baby’s mouth, because she was clamping it tight. Ya Allah, make me strong! inwardly I screamed… The moment it was finished, I held her tightly, held her, and held her. They wanted to put her straight to the drip, but I said no. I wanted my baby to have what normal moment she could before she’s confined back to the bed.

You can say it’s normal for babies going to the daycare to have infection or to be admitted. But I still say NO. It’s not normal for these little people to be confined to hospital beds with tubes around them. NO! NO! NO! A thousand times NO! They should be healthy. Happy little people, running around enjoying their lives! You may say it’s normal for your baby, if you want to. But not for me. Never for me.

Little Princess had three more physio sessions before she was discharged on Sunday afternoon. Yes, she was discharged on Sunday. But it was an emotionally harrowing four days of my life. The hospital walls closing in every single day, I though I would go crazy. Ya Allah, please, I don’t ever want to go through this experience again. Ever.

On Saturday, I was supposed to go to the induction session for my MBA course, but I didn’t go. I thought that would be my escape for a little while from the hospital. But owh… the words a loved one could say to make you feel really bad about yourself. I felt awful, I was the worst mother in the world for wanting to be away from my baby, just a little while. Ya Allah, forgive me. Hana, forgive your Mami for being so weak. I am so sorry for even thinking that I’d the rights to escape. Everyone else came and went back. Even The Hubby could leave the hospital to get a change of clothes, etc. But no, not the Mami. Mami had to stay.

My Little Princess is recovering well. She’s almost 100% back to herself. No more coughing since yesterday, Alhamdulillah. She had to continue a course of antibiotics, and finished up the antibiotics that was prescribed to her in the hospital the past week. She’s filling up back the fats that she lost in that week that she was unwell. Every time I saw her ribs and legs and hands these past two weeks, I couldn’t help but cry. She’s not a plump baby, thus she looked really frail without the fats on her body.

Needless to say, no one would be able to understand what I felt, except for a mother, except for a woman. For we have this tiny part of us that Allah SWT has given to us and only us. And this feeling that you feel, once you’ve seen your child in that way, it will never go away.

O Allah, thank you for making my daughter better. Thank you for listening to my prayers. You only test me with tests that You know I could go through and not more than that.

New News

It’s the 4th of Ramadhan. It’s the 4th day at the new place.

My seat is by the window. So I can see the traffic on Federal Highway, as well as the traffic heading to the PLUS highway.

This week, is a relax week. The bulk will come next week.

I woke up for sahur at 5am. And I don’t go back to sleep, because I leave for work as early as 7:30am. (Yikes!) But somehow, because you’re doing what you like, it does not matter. Hmmm…

Most people here are married. Lots of character. I’m still in the observing and listening phase. Different types of PMs they have here. The loud, the friendly, the timid, the follower, etc.

Baby Hana is adjusting to the new timing very well. This morning, when I went down to prepare the things for work, she was sleeping. Before I left, I went up again to check on her and let Mak know that I’m leaving. And what do I see? Baby Hana is lying on her back, pondering the morning. She woke up to wave me goodbye like she does every morning now since Monday. I miss my baby.

She has now started to push herself forward when she’s on her tummy. And she’s getting faster. I noticed yesterday morning when I was assembling the pump. She was on her tummy, next to me. And soon enough, she was in front of me trying to grab the pump parts! My baby is growing so fast!

I hope The Hubby will be able to come back next weekend as planned. They are requesting for him to extend his stay, but I’m praying he can come back and we can be a family again. :-)

As for now, I’m off to read the project contract again!

And It Begins…

Ever since I started to be active on Twitter, I get to read a lot of quotes, sayings and opinions. Some are good, some – not so good. Some wisdom, some trolls. It’s really about filtering what you’re reading.

There is one celebrity that I am following. Her musings are worth to be read. While I agree on her idea of children upbringing, not many of us are lucky enough to have enough means as she does. I might be assuming a lot, but as I see it, she has the freedom to choose when she wants to take an assignment and when she wants to be home with her children. Lucky her. She must have several silent incomes under her belt.

It is true when people say that a woman, once she becomes a mother, her thoughts are mostly for her child and how best she can be a great mother to her child. If she is a working woman, the thought of leaving the job crosses the mind often. Of course, if one breadwinner is sufficient, it can happen in an instant. But for someone like me, it is not as easy. In fact, we are thinking how to get more without sacrificing the time with the child.

I miss my daughter when I’m at work. But since I started working after my confinement period, never once I call home to check with Mak or Abah on how Baby Hana is doing. I know if I do that, I will start making it a habit. And I am confident that under the care of my parents, my baby will be fine, insyaAllah.

In the morning, if I do not have pressing matters in the office, I will bathe Baby Hana, feed her and put her to bed for her morning nap. These days, since she can sleep on her own, after the morning ritual of bathing and playing and feeding, I will just put her on the bed, and go get ready for work. Baby Hana will be sleeping by the time I’m ready for work. Give her a kiss and whisper sweet things and leave for work. Once at work, I put Baby Hana at the back of my mind and concentrate on work. Finish with work, I will go straight home as soon as I am able. And after putting the EBM in the fridge, I will go and get my daughter immediately. I know she misses me too because she will hold on to me tightly.

Babies are geniuses. Don’t think they don’t understand or they don’t know anything. They use their brains more than adults use theirs. When a baby babbles, I truly belief that she is communicating in her own words. But the meaning is still the same. You ask the baby how was her day, and she will respond. Sometimes she continues babbling even when you want to ask a different question. Try listening to the tone and watch the facial expression. There is hurt there and sometimes frustration. But babies are very forgiving. Give them kisses and hugs, tell them that you love them, a big smile will quickly replace the frown.

Convince them you want to be with them as much as they want you around all the time. Just give whatever time you have for your kids and always be available for them. I might not be able to be around as much as I like to, but I am sure my daughter understands. I pray one fine day I will have as much freedom as the celebrity, and I can be with my daughter whenever I want to.

ps: I wonder why is it on Wednesdays that I have lots to say… hahaha…

Sydney Trip Recap

Baby Hana is an excellent travel buddy. Maybe it’s her age that makes her agreeable. Or maybe it’s her genuine sunny disposition. Or maybe she’s in tuned with the surrounding and knows that it’s only her and her Mommy travelling; so she goes easy on me. :-) Whatever the reason is, I am thankful and relieved that it went so well and needless to say, painless.

The flight time to Sydney coincide with her morning nap, so that’s a plus. Alhamdulillah. I nursed her immediately when I settled on my seat, while everybody else was boarding. My seat was an aisle seat, in the middle row. No, there was no bassinet. However, I highlighted to the FA and hoped for the best. I told her that I do not mind sharing the bassinet or if there’s none, at least an empty seat next to me. What I got was, both! She managed to secure a seat with bassinet and the seat next to me was unoccupied. Alhamdulillah. Flight was full with parents with toddlers and young children. And as what Sharky told me, most of them have exceed the requirement for getting bassinets. :-)

Baby Hana slept most of the time on the plane. I managed to catch two movies! Sometimes when I saw her turning her head left and right, I just massage her ears a bit, in hope that it might relief the discomfort. Maybe it did, because she settled to sleep again.

We didn’t went around much in Sydney. On Saturday after we arrived, The Hubby brought us to walk around the market in The Rocks near Circular Quay. On Sunday we went to Hyde Park and Darling Harbour. Then the next Saturday before we left, we went to the Taronga Zoo. Weekdays were spent indoors; Baby Hana had a little flu. That experience is priceless to me, because it really gave me the confidence that I can take care of my daughter on my own. :-)

Days were short, nights arrive early. The Hubby is a little disappointed that we could not go out for dinner. And sad for us because we didn’t get to sight seeing. Honestly, I did not mind at all, since my intention to go there was mainly to visit him and let Baby Hana get re-acquainted with her Bapak.

On the flight back, Baby Hana opted to be awaked most of the time and talk. Yes, talk. She smiled and laughed a lot. And sleep for half an hour or so every time. I think the longest was only about a little more than an hour.

The most radical changes that I noticed ever since we went to Sydney was her sleeping time; now she sleeps less during the day, short naps is more accurate to describe it. She sleeps longer during the night. She is also more conversational now. She gurgles and chuckles and smiles and laughs. She babbles a lot. Once, I think it was our second night in Sydney, she babbled to sleep! And The Hubby had it on record! Now, she can really sleep on her own. I can put her in bed, and let her go to sleep by herself.

My baby is growing up fast, and I am feeling my age more. And I wonder, when the next change will be. :-)

Her Routine

Baby Hana’s day is pretty much a routine these days. I know this might change anytime, especially during the growth spurts, but, at least for now, it’s more or less predictable. Just don’t interrupt her nap times, then she’ll be a little cranky. (I can see The Hubby smiling and say “sounds like someone I know…” :-p ).

02:30 Midnight Snack
02:45 Continue sleeping
04:30 Morning Feed
04:45 Continue sleeping
07:30 Breakfast
08:00 Bath
09:00 Morning nap
10:30 Snack time
10:45 Sleep
13:00 Lunch, change clothes
14:30 Afternoon nap
15:30 Snack time
16:00 Sleep
18:00 Dinner, bath
19:30 Nap
20:30 Supper
10:00 Sleep

Normally this schedule will have variations of 30 minutes to an hour. Baby Hana dictates it herself. And I accommodate her as long as her sleeping time at night is between 10pm to 11pm. If she sleeps at 11pm, she will skip the midnight snack at 2:30am. Even is she wakes up, it’s usually less than 5 minutes, feed a little and she just go back to sleep. She’ll continue sleeping even when I’m changing her diapers. :-)

I breastfeed her for breakfast, and sometimes after her bath where she just falls asleep. When I come back in the evening, that will be around 7pm I will usually breastfeed her before her nap. Night time is breastfeeding session all the way. She only takes EBM* from my mother. She will reject any attempt from me. I only managed to gave her EBM once, and that I believe was because she was too sleepy, too hungry to argue! Ha ha ha… She feeds about 3oz to 4oz during major feeds and 1oz to 2oz during snack time.

I normally express twice at work, and bring back around 8oz to 10oz everyday. Morning expression yields around 8oz to 10oz. Therefore, there is always about 16oz to 18oz at home. And I really belief that a mother produce what her child needs for a day. Because, regardless how much I bring back, it’s usually enough for Baby Hana for the day. My frozen stock, they are still frozen. She rejects thawed EBM and only take it when she’s really hungry. I do not plan to go outstation until she’s six months old. So, I belief we will be okay with the current arrangement. :-)

I plan to breastfeed her as long as I’m able to until she’s two years old. The Hubby pretty much let me decide on this, as he says it’s up to me. You can tell from this post that I’m an advocate of breastfeeding. As long as a woman is able to do it (special condition is exceptional), I belief she should. I know mothers who really love breastfeeding their children, but had to stop early either because the milk stop flowing or because of medical condition. I’m sure there is hikmah for everything, so must belief He knows what’s best for us. Don’t be sad.

Someone asked me how to increase milk production because hers is dwindling, and her child is younger than my daughter. I don’t do any special extra thing, I just make sure I drink a lot during the day, and drink milk (when I remember!), and watch what I’m eating. InsyaAllah.

* EBM – Expressed Breast Milk

When The Baby Cries

I have not blogged for quite a bit. I started work after a long leave, and my boss gave me at least three major tasks to do. Well, three projects to be exact. Two of which more like a garbage cleaning activities. I am happy, to have something to do at work. And I believe I’ve proven that I have influence and do a great job, when I managed to call for a meeting that even my boss was unable to achieve.

Anyway, I am not blogging tonight to talk about me. More, as expected, I am going to talk about my daughter. I believe her separation anxiety comes very early. The first day I went back to work, she was already expecting me back home by 4p.m. This was because during the “trial” run, I left home around 10 a.m. and came back before she woke up from her afternoon nap. On that first day, I came back around 7p.m.

Thankfully, she was just sobbing a little and hugging me as tight as her little arms would allow. And I was able to console her quickly.

Today, however, she cried inconsolably. I arrived home about ten minutes before 8 p.m. I knew I would be late, when I could not drive 200 metres after 5 minutes. I called home and told my brother that I would be late. It took me about an hour to get her to calm down. An another hour for her to start smiling and communicating with me.

I could not stand listening her crying, it breaks my heart. But I guess, this is something that I will be facing until she really understands what’s going on and why her Mami could not be home at the same time everyday. I do my best to be home by 7p.m. every day.

My daughter always wake up with a smile in the morning. I don’t fancy her going to bed with a tear or a sob. I’ve only started to put her back into her cot at night since last weekend. She had been sleeping in the big bed since the first night The Hubby is away. I’ve gotten used having her beside me. But, I also know it is not right to change the habit that we have trained her since she came to us. Thankfully, there was no drama putting her back into her cot. I am tempted to have her sleep beside me tonight, out of guilt on my part. But, no, she is sleeping now, peacefully in her cot.

When people ask me, I am telling the truth by saying that she’s an angel baby. Easy baby. And by the book. Even Mak agrees that taking care of her is a breeze, until her routine is disturbed. For example when her sleep time is interrupted by visitors. Then, it will be a challenge to get her settled down again. Baby Hana sleeps through the night these days. She sleeps the 5-hour stretch and only wakes up once for her feed. The next feed will be in the morning, when the sun comes up. Alhamdulillah, it’s easy on me too.

Maybe I could not see how my eyes light up when I watch her, or how my voice gets a little excited when I talk about her. But it is true when people say you will only understand the feelings of a parent once you hold your baby in your arms. It’s surreal.

Owh, I still breastfeed her. I am not concerned that I don’t produce double digit ounce like other mothers. Because I believe that I produce enough for what Hana needs. I will blog about this another time. For now, I am to bed.

Hubby, I am missing you extra today.

My Baby is a Big Girl

Today, Baby Hana received her first set of shots. She handled it quite well, I should say. She cried, of course, but she calmed down soon after. Unlike the first appointment, when she was only 12 days, where she was inconsolable just by using voice and hugging. Of course, she was a lot smaller then. :-)

Doctor asked me to put Baby Hana on the bed. She said it’s safer, just in case I got nervous and dropped the baby! Ha ha ha… So, I put Baby Hana on the bed, and put my right hand on her chest and my left hand caressing her head. I spoke to her all the time, and recited doa for her. She got a little nervous when she caught the scent of the medicine. And when the doctor injected her, she cried. But she didn’t scream. So I kissed her forehead, and when the doctor said okay to do so, I picked her up quickly and hugged her tightly. She calmed down real quick, Alhamdulillah.

Mak and Abah was waiting outside. And Baby Hana already quieted down when we got out from the doctor’s office. Her next appointment will be in early May. I will have to see how our schedule look like during that time. If need be, I might take her for that appointment by end of April. And the doctor said she’s fit for travel. Yeay!

Baby Hana is now 55cm in length and weigh about 4.4kg. Not bad for a girl, eh? My baby girl is strong, healthy and a very good girl! And she’s growing up on me, so fast! I am a little afraid that I might miss something. I’m going back to work in a week. I hope I will stay connected, grounded and patient with her, however tired I am coming back home. There’s a challenge ahead of us, for Baby Hana and I. I pray we’ll get through it okay.

And, we are missing The Man in our lives so much! Muah muah!

The Forgotten Nursery Rhymes – Chapter 2

Are you familiar with this nursery rhyme? Sing a Song of Six Pence

Now, listen to the version in Malay… Lagu Tiga Kupang

Although, as I know it “Sagu Penuh Tepung” is actually “Saku Penuh Tepung”…

This is one of the old rhymes that we used to sing when we were little. We will act out the song too. It was so much fun. Now that we have a little girl in the house, all these songs are coming back to us. Sometimes, Mak will sing one. Other times it will be Abah.

What other nursery rhymes you remember?

11 days later

I was not a beautiful elegant lady during and after the birth. My face was void of blood, my eyes were puffy, my legs were swollen. The epidural made my legs heavy, ponstan was making me lethargic. Now I understand why French women have their magic potion ready by bedside to be used after the long hours of labor. Clarins has one of those, it’s called Flash Beaute. I had planned to get it, but it slipped my mind once I’m settled at my parents’ abode.

Looking back at my picture with The Hubby and Baby Hana at the hospital, although there was smile on my face, it will always remind me of the experience in the labor room; The Hubby’s face of helplessness, the sharp jarring pain, The Doctor’s encouraging voice, the nurses worried faces, my mom’s anxious looks, then the moment Baby Hana was put on my tummy with The Doctor reciting the Iqamah, Baby Hana’s first cry, Hubby’s voice in my ear while the etonox muddled the pain of being stitched up, The Hubby’s grip on my hand while we watch our baby being examined… The images will flood my mind one after another, overlapping between before and after.

Yes, I did not have an easy first birth. I know some people do. The saying about having big bottoms will have easy birth, it’s a myth. I have big butt (and I’m not lying about it) but well, you know the story. Haih, I hope my story doesn’t scare any mothers-to-be as it’s an experience no women should deny if they have the chance to it.

Let me tell you, the feeling once it was all over. When Baby Hana was put on my tummy, the feeling is indescribable. For me, it was almost similar to the day when The Hubby accepted the aqad. The way you look at this little thing suddenly changed. For 9 months all I could see was a projected image on the screen and pieces of printed photo, but now, here she is. A living, breathing little person, and I cannot help but cried a little. She is so small and she is totally dependant on people around her to love her, to care for her. At the end of the day, all the pain are totally worth it. I did not cry once while I was in pain, but I could not stop the tears when I look at my daughter.

I have a husband. And I have a daughter.

I am still, after one year of marriage marveling at the fact that someone is willing to share his life with me. It still bring tears of humility and happiness whenever I think about it. And now I have another miracle bestowed upon me. My very own child. Every time I look at her, all trusting and full of wonders, I could not help but thank Allah for giving me this chance. I don’t mind if this is the only one, for I am determine to raise her right, insyaAllah. Quality over quantity, that’s my take.

Tomorrow is our first check-up with the doctors after the delivery. I’m so looking forward to be out there, and breathe the polluted air! Ha ha ha… Baby Hana has appointment with her paed, I hope she will stay an angel that she is. He he he… wishful thinking eh?

Owh, my next post I guess, will be about this confinement period and how I’m handling it. ;-)

The Birth Story

I better start writing this while it is still fresh in my mind. I do not want to lose any detail of this first time. This experience also reminded me on how you can wish and pray for something, but Allah SWT will always have a better plan for you. And you must redha and be thankful. Always.

Thursday, 10/02/2011

We went for check-up, prepared to be admitted that evening. Doctor said I was 2cm dilated and very soft, which means it will be anytime from there on. She said if I don’t deliver the next day, it will be over the weekend. So, it was up to me if I wanted to be induced on Friday. The Hubby let me decide although later on he said he was not yet prepared mentally. :-) Truth be told, if I really think about it, I was not ready neither.

We went back, holding hands in the car, hearts beating furiously, at least for me. The Hubby had to go back to the office. I started to feel pain once or twice every hour that night. And every time the pain came, I would be quiet suddenly. Sometimes, the pain came every 15 minutes. But we made it through the night without having to rush to the ER.

Friday, 11/02/2011

The D-day. We went to Tawakal Hospital early, straight to the admission counter. All rooms were full so I was ushered straight to the labour room. There’s no turning back. It was almost 10 am. The nurse prep me quickly, change of clothes, a chair in front of the toilet door, and few minutes later, it’s heart beating fast waiting for the doctor. Mak was waiting outside the labour ward since only husbands were allowed in. At this moment, I could still smile and joking with The Hubby. I think he took one picture of me, all smiles.

Doctor came at almost noon. While she was examining me, my water broke. So, doctor, with confidence told me that she’ll give it four to six hours. The pain with capital P came after noon. I overcame hurdle after hurdle. It started to peak at around 3pm. I could not watch The Hubby’s face, because I could see how helpless he felt. He wanted to help to massage me, but I said no, he wanted to talk to me and I just wanted quiet, he kept asking me to tell him what he could do for me and all I can say was “there’s nothing you could do for me now, sayang” which I know broke his heart even more. I believed he did not stop praying and making dua’ all the time. Doctor came again at 4pm and asked me again if I really do not want epidural, which I replied in positive. Doctor left. Nurse came in and checked the CTG, she looked a little worried and told me The Baby’s heartbeat was a little erratic. She said it was because I was stressed and The Baby is feeling it too. Nurse said not to worry about taking epidural since almost everyone is taking it, including her. I told her I just don’t want drugs on my baby and again came the familiar statement that the medication does not effect the baby. She left me to decide, and I looked at The Hubby.

Hubby again left it up to me, because he knows how strongly I feel about the matter. In the end, I decided to take it, because I do not want to risk The Baby. When the nurse came to explain about epidural, I just told her that, skip the explanation and just go ahead and do it. Ha ha ha… I think the nurse was taken aback, but at the moment, I was only thinking of The Baby. When the anesthetist came to administer the epidural, I was oblivious to everything, my eyes were closed to overcome the next wave of pain. He tried to administer while I was lying down on my side but could not, so he asked the nurse to sit me up and bent forward. The Hubby had to wait outside while all these being done. The effect was immediate. I felt cold a moment, and then, no pain. But I felt the urge to pass motion from time to time, and that was my trigger for pushing.

The epidural was administered at 5pm. I was fully dilated by 7pm, but The Baby is still nowhere near being delivered. Doctor came and said if by 8pm no change, I will have to go for C-sect. I felt really sad at that time, and it pushed me to work even harder, although I do not know how much harder could I add to the push. I felt I had given all I can. I was asked to lie on my left side, and push when the urge to do so came. That’s what I did, non-stop.

Doctor came in at 8pm and told us there is a final attempt for a normal delivery. Which is to vacuum the baby out. While doctor was explaining and preparing, I kept on pushing whenever I felt the urge. On one of the push, The Doctor said that she could see The Baby’s hair and in the midst of it, I actually asked for clarification, “Baby has hair?” and all eyes were on me. He he he… I heard The Doctor said a while later that she’s going to do a little cut on me and during that time, I do not care that I did not want episiotomy either. I just want The Baby delivered safely. On one of the push, suddenly The Baby was on my tummy and I just could not believe what I was looking at. She was a little blue because she was stucked too long in the birth canal. The birth was difficult because she was facing up.

Alhamdulillah, after all that, my beautiful baby girl, Hana, was delivered at 8:27pm on 11th February 2011.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter I did not get a drug free birth experience or sans episiotomy, all that matter is that my daughter was delivered safely and she’s a healthy baby.

She is 7 day-old today. We will do a little doa selamat session amongst us, and The Hubby will shave her head. InsyaAllah her Aqiqah is already administered by EzyQurban today.

Thank you to all of you who prayed for us, for our safety, for our health. We are forever thankful. After all that, I do believe, that we, The Hubby, Baby Hana and I are really blessed. Thank you Allah.