It’s been a long time. How cliché. But, so true.
It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. Writing was my
release until it became a stress. A
stress that was easily brushed aside and replaced by Facebook. Facebook- a simply way to share, without too
much thought, from my smartphone, and a way to keep family updated on the growth of my little
mini. Because, really, that’s what most
people love to see- my smiling, happy child.
The one who lights up my life, and the whole world around her. And, I’m happy to share.
But, I realized that I missed writing. I missed sharing. And
more importantly, I missed being able to document, whether anyone read it or
not, the comings and goings of my family.
I’d scroll through my blog looking for photos, or simply reminiscing about
things that happened. I miss my blog, and so I’m bring it back. For me.
For my record keeping, and for my sanity. Writing, painting, and running – and maybe
swinging on the swings at the park- are the only things that have truly really
helped my balance my brain when it’s gotten out of whack. And, right now… it’s
out of whack. So, I’ll start with what I
know and hope it brings me peace.
Recently I’ve been struggling. After a miscarriage in December, and another
just 4 weeks ago, I’ve spiraled into a place that I’ve been away from a long time.
It’s the dark, sad, lonely, place where I don’t like being. It’s a place where
I never realize I’m in, until I’ve sunk in way too deep. I’m there. It’s a hard thing- having miscarriages. It’s a hard thing being so excited for a
baby, and losing it. And, it’s an even
harder thing, sharing the excitement, and then sharing the sad news. Especially when it’s with your 6 year old
daughter. The one who is so excited to
have a sibling. SO excited. And, it’s an
even HARDER thing when it’s what you think about most days, but you can’t
really share it… because after a little while, the heartache is too hard for
others to really stand listening about.
So, you just sit… in that dark place, where you don’t want to be. That’s
where I’ve been.
It’s been 4 weeks since I miscarried. It’s been 4 weeks and I’m doing better than I
thought. I’m okay, on the surface, most days.
It’s just easier to not talk about than dwell. It’s easier to keep myself busy, or avoid
awkward situations. It’s just
easier. But, it’s not. Maybe if I tell
myself it is, then it will be.
Kira asked me a few weeks ago, “Why did Heavenly Father take
our baby back?” That’s a question that I
can tell her the answer to, but I can’t really answer myself. I don’t know. I just don’t know. I don’t know why most things happen. So, I calmly try and give her an answer that
will satisfy her heart. It’s worked so
far. :/
It’s July 1st.
I’m almost 37 years old. I’ve got
a lot of life to live. I’ve got an
awesome husband, a beautiful and smart and loving little girl, and I’m going to
make the best of my life yet still
unlived. But, I’ve got to start LIVING
again, instead of just being. I owe it
to my child. I owe it to my husband. I owe it to myself. And, I'm going to blog again, because I can, and because I miss it.
So, here’s to July 1st. Not really an important date besides the one I
began blogging again. And, that’s sort of a big deal. Perhaps I’ll mark my calendar.
I’ll include a picture of Kira- my greatest
example. She was crying last night because she wanted to stay longer at the park- we’d already been there for hours. She was crying, and then making herself laugh. And, then crying, and then laughing again. This child doesn’t like to be sad. So she snaps herself out of it. Which is exactly what I’m going to do.
