This is the stuff we will want to look back on...

This guy.
Four years old.
Attending preschool 3 mornings a week.
Still not always using the potty when he is supposed to.
Wakes up totally grumpy.
Or.
Totally sweet.
But the sweet wears off usually by the time he has to go to the potty.
He sings when he plays games.
He plays games when he eats.
He eats like a puppy most of the time.
And he whines like a puppy when it's time for bed.
He loves playing tricks, and bugging his siblings and can't have Daddy leave for work without giving him a high-5, exploding knuckles, hug, kiss, pinky promise and arm bump.
His idiosyncrasies are almost too much to deal with in a given day.
Yet our days wouldn't be the same without them.
He can drive us all crazy, and then melt us all in the same two-minute time span.
He must have some hidden super power or something. Because with a single tight squeeze around your neck, you forgive him for all the little crazy and big things he's done and all he makes you feel is Love.
Oh, Teague.
What a guy.

Beyond the fluff of Valentine's...

What I would love to write in this space today is how dreamy and sappy it is to be celebrating Valentine's Day with my true love. Who doesn't want the perfect love story at some point in their life?! Especially on Valentine's Day. But the truth and reality in this great big world of ours- even on Valentine's Day- or maybe especially so on Valentine's Day!- is that true love isn't as pretty and sweet as the cards, flowers, dark chocolates and fairytales that consume this holiday would like us all to believe. Those things are great. They are awesome and special even! They do say, "I love you" and they can certainly communicate what is in one's heart. I am not writing off dark chocolate sea-salt caramels wrapped up with a bow ever! But I am sharing my own heart and thoughts about what I have learned love to be. And I can tell you, it's not all rosy and chocolates.
In fact the deepest, most pure love that I have ever experienced in my 41 years of life most often has been shown to me not in the form of a tangible gift at all. It hasn't been showered on me when life has been it's prettiest. It has been in some of the deepest, darkest pits of life that I have felt loved, supported, cherished and comforted. The times when I look back in my life and know that love was holding me are times when flowers and chocolates would have failed, and even felt offensive as a gift of love. It strikes me as interesting that when I have needed love and care the most in my life that the most thoughtful, most meaningful gesture of love has been simply having someone sit next to me and weep with me, or hold me close and cry with me.
Love has shown itself faithful and true to me in an embrace at the airport in Chicago standing next to baggage claim.
It has stood by me as we sang, "It is well with my soul" as we said good-bye to Teagan at her memorial services.
Love has lifted me when I felt I couldn't bring myself to say, "I forgive you". Love was wrapped around me when I claimed that truth and it helped set my heart free.
Love was there when I cried out and wept over a load of fresh, warm whites to fold and found myself unable to breathe. It whispered to my heart, "look to the Heavens and trust me for your very breath".
Love has wrapped its tiny newborn finger around mine and made me believe in joy and Hope in this world again.
It has gotten up with me in the middle of the night, too many times to count, and helped give a shower or start a load of laundry and held a sick child.
Love has walked in the door and placed take-out on the counter. Too many times to count that as well. =)
It has scrapped the snow off the windshield and started the vehicle so that the inside was warm for travel.
Love tells me to "text him a grocery list" and says "no problem" when I say thank you for doing that errand/chore for our family again. And again. And again.
True love has shown me that it's not a tiny box wrapped with a big bow at precisely the right moment in time that reveals the heart, but the way it grins and smiles and says, "you look beautiful" even after a sleepless night or a ruthless day spent just trying to keep my head above water. Love looks at me when I am at my worst and says, "There is nobody in the whole world I would rather be next to at this moment in time, except you."
Love has dared to say that it would be easier for us to be apart, but it is far better to hang on and trudge forward together. Love has believed in the future of us even when the present has looked dim, and the questions outnumber the answers in life.
Love has said, "I'm sorry...I messed up...and I'm trying." It has allowed me to say the very same things.
Love has seen the ugly side of me. More than once. And yet it stands by my side to this very day.
Love has taught me so many things about God, others and myself.
It has been poured out to me in unexpected people, places and things. It has been undeserved, unmerited, and unleashed to me since as far back as I can remember.
Love has changed me, saved me, redeemed me, and it makes me want to be a better me. Not just today. Not because of flowers. Or chocolate or any other thing that can be bought or sold.
True love comes from the heart, comes from Above, and comes in such subtle ways that I sometimes miss seeing just how beautiful it is.
Today- this Valentine's Day- seems as fitting a day as ever for me to pause and look back and say thanks. To all the Love I have been given in this life. I am humbled, grateful, and my heart is overflowing with gratitude for such love. I only hope I can shower some of my love and gratitude back to God, to Chip who has showered me with so much and still gives me all these years, and to my family, friends and strangers too. One of my favorite things about true love is that it never runs out, gets old, dries up or falls short. It can be given and shared and it only grows from there!

Letting your light shine.

I may have shared this story in years past here on Nitty.Gritty. But it's a good one, and this photo recently showed up in my FaceBook feed and so it just seemed fitting to share it and the story that came to my mind right away when I saw it. This picture is of Teagan and her friend, Jess, taken on a  day that they had a playdate at our house. Now, you can probably tell just by looking at this picture that these two little girls loved to play, be loud, laugh and enjoy just being little girls! We knew Jess from our local church. It was one of the places that we made some lifelong friends when we lived in Gaylord. Church was one of the places that practically "felt like home" for us- in part because of the great friendships we did for with so many people there, but also because we spent a lot of time there- besides the usual Sunday morning church services.
Jess and Teagan didn't just love to play and laugh and have fun when they had playdates at home. But they loved to be loud and have fun at church together too. Sometimes that felt appropriate- like during game time in the gym, or while singing and learning funny songs during Vacation Bible School. I loved and appreciated the good times these girls, and lots of other young friends of theirs shared in church.
But one Sunday morning stands out in my mind when I see this picture of Teagan and Jess. The new auditorium had recently been built and was the new worship sanctuary for Sunday mornings and other large events/gatherings. It seats about 1,100 people and let's just say that there was a lot of time and money invested in that big, new auditorium.
This particular Sunday morning the girls had connected at church during Sunday School, and they were still happily hanging out as the morning services ended and the parents gathered their children or just talked and fellowshipped together before it was time to part. The girls chose this Sunday morning to go running up and down the large aisles of the new worship center. But they didn't stop there. They ventured up on stage and were running and laughing and playing behind the big curtain and by the podium as well. When I realized that Teagan was a part of the noise and rambunctious behavior in the auditorium I gave Chip "the look" to go get her immediately and put a stop to her wild antics. I watched the girls run and laugh even more for a minute or two as they realized they were 'caught' and were being called to bring their fun and games to a halt.
Their response to Chip when he ushered them down from the stage was that "they were just playing and having fun!" Of course they were! But I could feel the 'eyes' of other church goers on them and on us as parents that made it feel anything but "fun".
On the ride home from church that day Teagan got a little lecture on "how to act in church". We reminded her that the sanctuary was "God's house" and that she should be careful of how loud and wild she was in that place from now on. She seemed to understand, and yet she was still grinning and told us how much she loved playing with Jess and her others friends at church too.
I could never have imagined on the ride home from church that day that it would only be a matter of months later that I would be standing in that very auditorium honoring and remembering Teagan's life at her memorial service. I remember that day so clearly as well. How my heart was so shattered and how my mind was still trying to come to grips with the reality that I would never see her laugh or run or dance and twirl on this earth ever again. I could hardly believe that we were sharing stories and pictures of her life in remembrance of her- because to me she was still so full of life and joy and I wasn't prepared to let any of that go!
And yet Chip and I stood hand-in-hand with our hearts broken and wounded and clueless as to how it all happened and more so, how God was going to mend the brokenness that we felt to the very core of our hearts. I pictured Teagan running and laughing in the very place that hundreds of flowers now served as a reminder that she was gone. Her smiling picture on the memorial alter made my heart ache more. I wanted to turn back time to the day she ran and laughed so loudly that I sent Chip rushing down the aisle to scoop her up and halt her fun. I wanted to turn back time and do it all over again.
Only this time I would have wanted to hug her and tell her how happy I was that she was simply being who God made her to be. I wanted to turn back the days and watch her twinkle and shine on that stage with her friend, Jess, as only two little girls can in the midst of their play. I wanted to look on their joy and grasp how it was one of the purest forms of worship in that space that day. Their actions may not have been perfectly in line with what other church-goers or Chip or I had in mind for them in that new auditorium. But in retrospect, and certainly in light of the reality we faced at Teagan's service, their actions were in perfect accord to how God wants us to come to Him with our hearts and lives. He wants us to come as little children. Not caring about what others think or even how we see ourselves. He wants us to come to Him in worship, recognizing who He is, and putting all of our self aside. True worship is singing, dancing, praying, sacrificing, embracing all of who GOD is, and truly being humble in spirit and simply being who God created us to be. There is nothing we can bring to His alter that He doesn't already 'own' or have access too...except our hearts. He wants our hearts to be poured out to Him as our love offering. We can come "too loud, too wild, too clueless" as to who He is, and yet He accepts us as we are simply because we come. He just wants our hearts. Plain and simple.
I am so glad to know that Teagan invited Jesus into her heart and life just the day before she died. She knew that Jesus died on the cross for her sin, and truly the most important thing that anyone can do, who understands who God is, is to give their heart to Him by asking forgiveness of their sin and inviting Him into their life. God does the rest. I miss the mark far too often when it comes to living the simple way that God wants us to live. He wants us to shine for Him, lean on Him, shout for Him, share our joys and sorrows and everything in between for Him, and just be who He created us to be. Nothing more. Nothing less. It seems so simple. And it is. Even a child can get it and live out their days letting their life shine for Him. I am so glad I had a front row seat to Teagan's life. Especially on the day she ran through the auditorium in response to just being who God made her to be.

The moments that matter most.

Wow. So many thoughts and emotions going on in my heart and mind today, that I just need to put them down somewhere. This is my outlet~ my mother's heart that has never stopped beating even when this world broke it in two.
This note flows out of that brokenness. It flows from the place in me where I can still 'see, feel and recall' the brokenness in such detail all these years later. It flows from the heartache an empathy I am feeling for the families in Newtown, CT who are re-living their pain and nightmare on this anniversary eve of the loss of their own little ones. It is spilling out from the goosebumps I got as I read the text from a dear friend who is headed to the ICU to quite possibly say her final goodbye to a special little girl even as I type this out.
Life is cruel and cold at times, and my own experiences have softened me toward other broken hearts in this world. When I hear of other hurting hearts, my own heart remembers a time and details that have yet to fade year after year. 
The details of Teagan's final days and moments are etched on my heart and mind forever. The littlest moments were elevated to some of my most precious memories in light of her loss. It is those moments that matter most. The moments that we all have with our loved ones every single day. But for some reason, we don't hardly recognize their greatness or worth. Often times we even get annoyed by them, or frustrated and worn down. By their timing, and their frequency- by their 'mundaneness' among all the long to-do list we all have every day. These moments are the ones I cherish the most. Yet I STILL take them or granted far too often, even after learning the lesson of their value and worth having been schooled by sudden loss, heartache and grief. 
They are moments we all have with the people around us. We sit down at a meal and eat together. Do we listen and laugh? Do we care about the smallest accomplishments our children or spouses have made that day? Do we see how sweet their tired eyes are as they wake to another day...another good morning hug...another bowl of Frosted Flakes? Do we have any idea how special it is that we can hug them and hold them in our arms? Do we study the color of their eyes? Do we tell them how much we love them- even if we are all running late and we can't find the cellphone or keys? 
I can remember sharing the last bowl of tapioca with Teagan on the night before our incident. She was delighted over a bowl of warm tapioca. She and I sat at her small table and talked about how much we both loved real whipped cream. The earth didn't shake. The mountains didn't tremble. But it was a moment I will never forget. There was love and innocence in that time and place. There were dreams to be chased and more dancing to do when we were done! There was no reason to believe that moments like this weren't going to last forever. Hours later I would wake her up from her cozy night of sleep and help her get dressed and brush her hair and tie a ribbon in it one last time. The details were about to change. Forever.
Some days I mess it all up. I hurt from missing Teagan. I hurt because I miss the sound of her voice- her joy and delight over the littlest things. Sometimes I miss her so much that the people around me wonder what they did to make me mad. They wonder what they could do different to make me smile. Some days I wake up so sure that it must have been a dream, but it's real every day. Some days the strength comes and my heart and eyes re-open to beauty, happiness and joy. I am reminded of the details that I cling to and they make me want to love more, live more and try to be better- even with a broken heart.
I write this as I sit at the little table where Teagan and I shared countless meals and that last bowl of tapioca. I haven't ever been able to part with it {plus all the other kids have used it countless times too for the very things Teagan loved and used it for- playing Playdough, coloring pages, eating meals and snacks and hosting tea parties at it too} and I love being able to have a tangible remembrance of those special times spent with her. I am thankful for all the new memories made at this table, and I am grateful that broken hearts heal little by little. I am reminded again as I my heart weighs heavy for others facing grief and sorrow and heartbreak this Christmastime, that each and every moment is a gift. Every detail a blessing. The smallest moments blur together and get lost even more so this time of year. But if even for a moment we open our eyes to them and see their true worth, we will hold a priceless treasure in our hearts forever.

The day that Daddy came back.

 

It's 3:47am. I am blogging. That means a couple of things are going on. One is that I am awake and my mind is spinning. The other thing is that the house is quiet and calm because everyone else is sleeping. I guess this is the only time I have available to blog in my life as there is never a dull moment in my day. This also explains the lack of posts. I am usually asleep at this time of the night. I already know I am going to regret being up right now and doing this, even in just 4 hours or so. But I am here for now. So I will squeeze in as much as I can- even though the past few weeks in the life of the Ferlaaks deserves it's own book. It's been that wild and crazy!
But even a tad fun.
And a whole lot of amazing.
And that is why my head is spinning and I am here typing.
Sometimes life gets going. Going in a certain direction. Other times it just stands still. And it drags. Or just is. Still at other times life starts moving, and I can tell something is up. I might not always know why or what or how come, but there's a feeling that something is going on.
That is what I write of today.

To do so, I need to finish a blogpost that I started a couple of weeks ago, and never got around to finishing, much less posting. It was a typical summer morning. Chip got up, showered and was saying his goodbyes for the day. The kids aren't always awake. At least not all of them. And sometimes some are eating breakfast and playing on the iPads and Chip and I have yet to get up. We're all over the place with our schedule in the summer. We like late nights {not normally as late as the one I am having right now!} and long mornings. We have very little on our agendas. Except to say goodbye and give Daddy hugs and kisses before he leaves for work.
This particular morning Chip was saying his goodbyes and as he did I could just begin to hear Teague start to fuss in his bedroom. He still sleeps in a crib {he just turned 3 and we love that he loves his crib and stays put in there!} and so someone has to come and get him out each morning. He got a bit louder just as Chip was putting his hand on the doorknob to leave, and I looked at Chip and said, "Go now so Teague won't have a meltdown saying goodbye". That's what Teague does.
He loves his daddy. He loves his dad a whole lot. With Chip's long hours at work in the summer, sometimes we don't see him a whole lot. So when Chip leaves, Teague cries. And throws a fit on the front step. Then Chip leaves and feels guilty. And I am left with a little guy doing limp body and fussing in the front step for several minutes some mornings. It makes me want to drink more coffee. That's what was ahead of us if Chip stuck around while I got Teague up, so instead Chip quickly left, and I went to go get Teague out of his bed. He started to fuss louder when I got him out. I gave him some morning hugs and kisses. But he just put on his best pouty face and started crying. "Do you want some orange juice, Teague?" "Do you want your little lamby and yellow blankie?" I started asking questions. "Calm down, mister...it's morning time and we get to have a fun day!" This is what I was saying to him as his crying started to get louder and louder. The other kids had joined my question party by this time and they were all using their "happy voices" wishing him a good morning and offering kisses and other ideas like toaster waffles.
Nothing was working.
I just held him for a minute longer. He kept on crying. I asked him to "use your words" and tell Mommy what's wrong. His crying finally got quieter, and he looked right at me and said, "I wanted to give Daddy a kiss."
My heart basically melted.
He had been listening to the other kids say their goodbyes, and he had no way of getting in on the hugs and kisses and send-off. I was happy to finally know that there actually was a "real problem" and my "real solution" was that we could call Daddy on his phone and say good morning and goodbye all at once. I took Teague to the kitchen to get my phone and I told him my plan. I dialed Chip and he answered. Which I typically don't like him to do if he's in a car. "What's up?" he asked. He never knows what to expect when I call him. I don't do it often, but there's always a 50/50 that it's a good or bad thing. I said, "Teague was just waking up when you left and he is so upset that he didn't get to hug you goodbye." I fully expected Chip to say, "Put him on and I'll talk to him for a minute." Instead, Chip said, "I'm on my way home."
I was more than a bit surprised. Chip has a lot on his plate in life and at work these days. Several minutes had gone by since he had left home, so this wasn't just a quick turn around at the end of the block. I set the phone down and Teague just about had another meltdown right then and there. I grabbed his little hand and said, "come outside on the front step...Mommy wants you to get a surprise!" Kids love surprises, but not so much when they are just coming off of a meltdown and the drama of crying for the first several minutes of their day.
We sat on the front step. Brock joined us. We looked at the sky. We listened to a couple of birds. We saw the grass. And flowers. It must have felt to Teague as though I was the biggest phony surprise thrower of all time. At one point I finally told him to be quiet and listen. I could hear Chip's car coming down the street. Teague was on my lap on the front step clueless that his morning wish was about to come true!
I think Teague was about to start crying all over again when I told him to look down the street as far as he could to see if he could see anything. Brock was starting to grin at this point. And a few seconds later Chip's vehicle pulled back into our driveway. "Daddy's home!! Daddy came back! It's Daddy!"

Teague was so excited. I am getting a knot in my throat right now even as I type it out, because it was a truly magical moment. My little clueless, upset two-year old {at that time} suddenly had his whole morning turned around. His little heartbroken request that he had finally spilled out to me when "he used his words" hadn't just been a cry of hurt and disgust that fell on deaf ears. Instead, his cry had been heard, and more than loud and clear, his heartbreak at not being able to say goodbye and give a hug had turned to complete and utter joy at the surprise return from Chip coming back to more than meet his need.
I actually caught part of the whole scene on one of our iPad cameras. I snapped the picture in this post of Teague and Daddy together for that brief couple of moments that morning too, and those smiles are the real deal! Teague's fussing was so quickly forgotten and his tiny arms wrapped so tight around his dad and the 'drama' of our morning up to that point all melted into a beautiful embrace. I was so happy for Teague.
I was so proud of Chip and my heart melted at just how big his heart is at times too. He chose to come home, when a simple hello on the phone would have salvaged a part of Teague's hurt. He went beyond what he needed to do and it blew me and Teague away. The whole scene has played over and over in my mind the past few weeks.
It is so late and I am so tired, and there is so much more to this story. The part about how that picture in my mind so parallels what God has been doing in my heart and life too. It's been unfolding for months. Years, I believe.
God has been up to something.
I've been in a place where the only way 'out' {like Teague in his crib} was going to happen when God chose to get me out. I needed my Father to pick me up and open a door. I was kicking and crying, and even though I could have had a toaster waffle or juice or any number of things to bring me happiness, all the while He had a plan to bring me more than that. He has been up to something for awhile now. And I couldn't see it, hear it, or have a clue what it was. Just as Teague had no clue Chip was already on his way home with a big hug and kiss waiting for him on arrival.
He could have settled for a quick phonecall and chat with Daddy. But Chip had a better idea. And even though it temporarily broke Teague's heart for me to not let him talk on the phone, or even tell him that Daddy was coming home, I knew it was going to be a wonderful and even better surprise in the end.
I knew it would be worth Teague's confusion as he waited on a front step without a clue. I knew it would be more than worth it for him to see that Chip drove back home just to see him! I knew it was going to make the tears of the morning literally disappear. His sorrow would be turned to joy, and it was! Teague's whole morning was made!

My heart has been so hurt for a long time for many different reasons. Some days I haven't had a clue as to how life has played out the way it has for us. But for some reason- as reason I still don't know or understand- in the past few weeks too many things have happened that make me literally see God's hand in life's details. It has been wonderful. It has been amazing at times. It has been fun even! My heart has felt happiness in the truest sense of the word. Our house sold. A new one just happened to fall into place for us. At just the right place. At just the perfect time.
Chip and I somehow managed to go out on a date together. It has been more than a year since we have done that. And we didn't just get a date. We took a whole day trip together. And nothing went 'wrong' the whole day. In spite of the downpour we got stuck in as we walked from Navy Pier in Chicago to Millenium Park. We laughed together. We enjoyed each other. We had actual conversations. About things other than kids or work. There has been so much going on in the past few weeks that my head is still spinning and we still have a move ahead of us this coming Tuesday. I should be overwhelmed. I should be freaking out. I should be asking myself how on earth is everything going to get done that needs to get done?!
Instead I am blogging. I am doing something I rarely get a chance to do anymore. I needed to write. I needed to come here and tell the world that God is amazing. Even when we can't see Him or feel Him or have a clue if He is even listening to our fussing and cries. I want to assure myself and whomever else reads here that He is. He is real. He gives life to dry bones. He longs to do good things in the hearts and lives of those who love Him. He is trustworthy. He is faithful. He is good and kind and fun even! He is a God who listens, who loves, who makes time for us, who knows better than we know ourselves just how to fill our lives with goodness and joy.
I don't know if Teague even remembers the day that Daddy came back. But one day, maybe one day when all the world has let him down or life is threatening to steal his joy, I want to remind him of this story. That really happened. That was so beautiful and pure and true that it will hopefully stir in his heart a little something that makes him want to be a better person and believe in goodness and Love again.
I have sometimes wondered. I have doubted far too many times in my life.
I am ashamed because I have known since I was about Teague's size that I love a God who is bigger and more powerful than any mind can comprehend. Yet still my trust has worn thin at times and I have wondered if my prayers have even been heard.
He has heard every one. He has a plan to meet every need. His plans are good. His ways are higher. I am humbled and honored to give all my praise to Jesus, my Lord. I don't know what lies just ahead in this next adventure in life. I am just so thankful that I never need to doubt or wonder if God is real. He is. And He is so Good. He is so Good to me.

Good stuff and open roads for dreamin'.

 

Our family just marked another year gone by since the tragedy that claimed Teagan's life and altered us forever occurred. It has been 12 years now. I think one of the things that stood out most to me this year is just how much Teagan will always be a part of our life story~ no matter how much time goes on. The memories of that day are so vivid and clear to me, and I doubt they will ever fully fade. There was so much trauma and weeks of hospital and intense concern surrounding all of our injuries and recovery, that I am sure would take a lifetime to forget. I do know that it sometimes still feels like it all happened yesterday, and the ache of the reality that Teagan is truly gone doesn't ever diminish. The hole she left in our hearts and lives is still the same size as it was the day she was taken off of life support. We have done lots of living between then and now, but who she was and how she changed our lives for the better from the moment she was born will never change.
And for that, I am grateful, and I will always thank God for sending such a vibrant, sweet, beautiful girl into our lives.
I am glad that we didn't get stuck in that place of grief and sorrow that threatens to consume and overwhelm one's life in the days and weeks following death. There was so much pain and darkness in that pit of sorrow. I was so angry to be in it at times, knowing how amazing and pleasurable life had been before being thrown into this place unannounced. I was angry that life for our family was being defined by such an ugly event, and I was angry that our joy had been ripped from our hands without giving us a choice or chance to do anything about it. That was a hard place to be, for sure. All I wanted was out of there, and yet as our injuries and Wyndham's challenges became our new way of life, I realized we would never fully 'escape' the pain and grief.
Chip and I struggled with how to move forward through those early days. I spent many of them weeping and struggling to even catch my breath through my sobs, as my physical pain hurt and my broken heart hurt and life seemed only dark and daunting. I didn't believe we would ever be 'whole' again. I didn't believe there would ever come a day when we wouldn't feel sadness. I felt like all of life was tainted and the only thing I wanted back was a small taste of joy.
I didn't know how that could happen though, because our whole world was pain- from the  nightmares I woke up from in the night, to Brock's post traumatic stress syndrome, to Wyndham's injuries and meds and Chip's broken bones...it was all so painful. We didn't even come home from the hospital for 3 weeks. It felt like an eternity. It felt like our nightmare would never end.
In our sorrows and grief and heartache and pain, Chip and I knew we wanted something more. We wanted to be able to live again! We wanted days filled with laughter and fun and happiness. We were living in darkness and we wanted so much to believe that there was Joy for the taking somewhere in the world again. We made a vow to fight for that together. We cried together for what we had lost and for what our "new normal" looked like now. I knew I needed Chip to be by my side- but fully understood how marriages fall apart in those dark valleys of life. I am glad that as hard as some of the days and months and years have been, that after 12 years of hardship, we are still together. We have had ups. We have had lots of downs.
We have had miracles happen.
We have loved deeper and more easily.
We have looked for ways to make new happy memories.
We have fought for joy and laughter.
We have been blessed beyond measure.
We still miss Teagan everyday.
We still lean on God as our source of strength, comfort and Joy.
He is our Rock, our healer and the One who has held us together and carried us through it all.

Our family has grown in number and there have been days that have overflowed with joy and happiness in our life in the past 12 years. I never could have imagined ordinary days being able to be full of happiness again. But we have lived them, so I know they exist. The journey of grief is long and hard and I don't wish it on anybody. My heart goes out to everyone touched by loss of a loved one. Something as simple as going to Despicable Me 2 can be a simple pleasure. Having a healthy family and opportunities to watch my kids grow and learn and to make memories together as a family are the very things that make life so worthwhile. Seeing beauty in the smallest things shows just how merciful, gracious and loving God is. That He cares about all the details of our lives is amazing. It's humbling. That He would reach down and enter into our hurts and cry with us and guide us out of the valley of darkness and death into the fullness of life again is the miracle in our lives everyday.
I sometimes get lost in the place of pity and heartache much more easily than I ever did before our tragedy. I am so thankful that God doesn't allow me to sit and wallow forever.
I am so glad that He put in me- in Chip- the desire to want to live a life of joy again. Even in simple things like baking homemade chocolate chip cookies and dreaming of what lies ahead in life. I am glad that little things- like piles of laundry and noisy kids- are sometimes my biggest reminders of what I love and care most about- the special people in my life are my greatest blessings. The Hope of heaven keeps me going.
If someone had said I would have 6 kids, and be on a scrap team and blog and smile when I use a pink vacuum, and riding carts at Target would all be a part of my life at this time in 2001, I never would have believed it. But I am so glad that they way I imagined life playing out versus the reality of how it actually does look are so vastly different, that I hardly recognize the 'old life' anymore. I am holding on to the good memories as tight as I can. But I am ever grateful that my heart and hands were opened to embrace what God has placed back into our lives. It's pretty great, and I am so blessed to be able to say so!
In case you happen to like the scrap goodies you see in the pages I made here as much as I love them, you can get them for yourself starting tomorrow at Cocoa Daisy.com. It is a truly wonderful thing to me, to be able to use my hands and create something- just for the fun and joy of it. I never thought that would happen in my life ever again. And now I do it every single month! And lots of times in between too! God is a God of miracles. I take one look at my life as it is now and I know that it is true.

A day in the life.

It's Friday. Fridays are mixed emotion days for me, because while I love that the weekend is just around the corner, Friday nights have taken Chip away from us and leaves me with the 6 kiddos at home. We have come up with some things to fill the nights with fun and activity, but my inner/better mom still feels guilt that we "never do anything fun" as far as going out or doing anything exciting. Last Friday was another one of 'those nights'. Chip actually took Brock, Crew and Bella to work with him though. Brock got to hang out and bus some tables {and he managed to make some good tips too!}, and the kids always like to visit the club, eat dinner and play games in Daddy's office. It gave me a bit of a break with just 3 kids to entertain at home. I grabbed Happy Meals and shakes for the three that stayed behind so that they had some fun of their own.
Then that picture of Wyndham is a peek into the rest of our Friday night. I asked Wyndham if she wanted her picture taken on the iPad. She loves taking pictures of herself. My jean jacket just happened to be out on the arm of the chair she was in, so I put it on her and brought her next to the window in her room for the last bit of evening natural light. She is the one who started to pour on the charm and big personality. She was playing air guitar and doing silly faces and just making a big deal about her impromptu photo session. I was happy to get a front row seat to her show. =)
As I have been thinking about the way life goes sometimes, I was realizing this week just how awesome and lucky and special it can be to GET to stay home and do nothing. Sure it gets boring for middle schoolers and kids who want more of an active social life, but truly, as we hang out and play games and pop popcorn and laugh while answering random life questions around the table together, it is a pretty amazing thing all it's own. I know we are still making some wonderful memories to look back on. Even if we never leave our home. And that's  something you can't put a pricetag on. Even when it's considered "boring" to some. I am trying more and more to simply embrace the place we are at, the limited things we can do sometimes, and to see the spectacular in the typical day-to-day life we live. I sometimes wish it was more hyped up and exciting. But I am seeing more and more how it sort of is all that.
This week I have been scrapping Cocoa Daisy's May Record Label kit. I am so thankful each month to be on such a great team and to get to scrap such great stuff all the time. I love that it 'forces me' to put the memories and pictures of our lives right now down on a page. I am having a blast with the cool designs and funky bits and pieces in this new kit especially. I scrapped Wyndham's picture already and look forward to taking more pictures of our "boring Friday nights" and other exciting days in our life to scrap too. Here's to making memories- no matter where you find yourself having fun!

When they actually listen and act too...

My kids are growing up far faster and with lots of stories and details than I keep up with on my blog these days. I used to be so much better about it, but as I said, the ease of FaceBook to post short sentences, links and upload photos has taken much of the place of blogging in my life. But I do like to come here and write when I have more time and space to do so. I also have been reading back through months past and noticing just how neat it is to actually have all these stories, photos and memories in a place like this. It sort of inspires or motivates me to want to write more. But lately every time I say I will be better about writing it just leaves me missing yet another goal. So I will simply hope that I can do better about this- but I won't bank on that happening.
So here I go...some thoughts and a couple of stories about my kids lately.
Wyndham is doing very well right now. She loves being back in her aqua therapy and is quite the swimmer from what I hear. I have yet to have the chance to see her in the pool at her therapy facility because I am always home caring for Teague and Crew while she has her appointments. But Chip tells me that she loves it so much and often splashes and jokes around when she doesn't want her pool session to end. She has been healthy for quite a long stretch now and that makes things so much easier for all of us- obviously. Between last winter and this winter she has not had a major illness- at least the kind that requires hospitalization. Prior to that she was in the hospital every winter, sometimes several times and sometimes in the summer too. So I think she is stronger and her immune system might have finally caught up to where it should be. I have loved seeing her personality shine and it is extra fun to see her act more like a preteen than a little girl. She has a very sharp sense of humor and we all love that most about her!
One of the things that jumped out at me about her last night was that she was the last person sitting at the table for dinner. The younger brothers are always the first to leave {or be excused!} and the others had run off to play and do homework. I was starting to clean up the kitchen and asked Wyndham is she was ready to move to another room too. She got up {which she rarely does on her own} and then picked up her plate and fork and brought it over to the kitchen sink. I was so proud of her and praised her for being a good helper! She loves to help set the table and mix things when we're cooking, and even likes to wipe the table when we're done. But it was cool to see her take the initiative and just do something that she is fully capable of doing, but rarely does. I know I could and should 'demand' more of her and all my kids when it comes to stuff like this. It still made me happy inside to know that she did it all her own and that she was pleased with herself too. It's hard to know what respnsibilities she should have, and even hard to not just do them all ourself because it is easier on her and on us. She beams- just like you see in her picture here today- when she meets or exceeds expectations. Don't we all?!
Then there is Brock. he deserves the spotlight around this blog too. As the oldest of the kids that ARE so demanding around here, he often gets added chores or time blocks where we ask him to help out. He still is always so willing to do whatever it is we ask. I don't praise him enough for that, and although I sometimes take him along to Target or to Barnes & Noble- and he also gets to go to sporting events and hang out with his friends there and at youth group, it is still nice to hear the praise too. So I am going to publicly say thanks to him for his generous spirit and helpfulness to Chip and to me at home. The kids look up to him and love him- even as much as they annoy him and hang on him too. I thought it was pretty impressive that a young check-out girl at Target actually noticed and said to him, "You're a good big brother" as he pushed Teague in the cart while I unloaded and paid the tab. Just by watching the way he responded to and entertained Teague for those few minutes was enough to make an impression and speak to his character that was seen by the girl ringing up our groceries. It made me realize that he is dependable and kind in how he treats his siblings. He told her he likes being the oldest of the 6 kids and Teague put on quite the show by barking and panting like a puppy right back. =) hee hee
I was thinking today about how much time and effort and prayers and tears and feelings of inadequacy fill my life when it comes to parenting and raising kids these days. That is much of my life from morning til night- and often even in the middle of the night too! But oh how wonderful and affirming it is to have glimpses of your kids "getting it right". I am realizing that though they need endless reminders and lots of guidance, they are learning at the very least what the expectations are, and that when they hit that mark it hopefully fuels in them the desire to keep going and strive to be the best they can be.
I wondered how I am doing on that level in regards to my spiritual life. After years of knowing what to do and how to do it I still need reminders and lots of guidance and encouragment to do the right thing. The walk of faith can be long and winding and daunting. Yet I know that I am going in the right direction and my heart still yearns to beat like that of Christ's. But I fall short everyday. Still, I know that God loves my efforts...He loves to see me {and all of us!} try our best. He loves when we listen, follow and obey. No matter what the cost; no matter who is watching.
I know that even on the days I am less than beaming for Him that He still wants the best from me, and expects it too! I know nothing I can do will make God love me more or love me less. Still, it is a neat picture to imagine Him smiling down when we get it right. Simply because we are being who He created us to be. I am working on being a better listener too. That way you know just what He wants and I know in turn my kids will see a better example of what I hope they grow to be too. More like Him.

Behind the scenes.

I talk about keeping it real around here. Sometimes I have gotten 'in trouble' or scolded for doing that too outright. Even my own husband has said to me a time or two, "You didn't need to blog that!" In the past couple of years, I have had so many times words or pictures or both were on my heart. But I just couldn't bring myself to share them- for so many different reasons. Sometimes the overwhelming stuff in life is just that. Overwhelming. My outlet in life since I was a little kid was to write. To get it out. To put it down on paper. To put words to the ache or happiness or searching that was in my soul. I sometimes wish that blogs had been around when I was 12. And 13. And 14 too. Up til now. I wrote so much and sometimes I come across little poems or journals that I kept all these years and sometimes my words hit me in new ways or show me a glimpse of who I was way back then. It's amazing to me how powerful words can be.
So much so that I don't even know how to type them out in the way I feel I need to just to 'say it right'. Or to say it 'wrong' but at least it's out and I can process it and move through those feelings. This is one of those posts. Where something has been on my heart, but it's hard for me to put it into words. In part that hppens because this blog has touched a lot of people, and in so doing, there have been some who have responded in hurtful or even unintentional ways, which have made me more guarded in what I do share. And also in how I share it. Even though this is my personal space to write or share whatever. I know that words and pictures impact people. And stir things in others. Sometimes we're on such different 'planes' or simply can't begin to out ourselves in someone else's shoes, and so the message comes across all wrong. I get that. I get it to the degree that it affects what I share and how I share it.
But this thing- this longing in me to share whatever it is that presses on my heart for unknown reasons to me- is so great that it urges me to share. Even if I get misunderstood. Even if it makes no sense to anyone else but me, and even if it means nothing else to anyone. To think that maybe it DOES mean something, or maybe it can touch someone else, or shed some light, connect my heart to another, that is reason enough to share.
Maybe I didn't even need to write all that out. I sometimes feel the need to explain why I blog. I guess that is my issue and I should work on that. =) Today I just want to share some behind-the-scenes pictures that took on a whole new look to me in light of some of the trials I have been feeling and going through in life right now. Going through some tough daily routines in a place where I'd rather not be right now has been a big struggle. My heart has been so heavy, my days have felt long and pointless so many days in a row. Still I believe that there is a point to it all. I believe I am lucky to have some amazing people in my life- close up and far away. I am lucky to know and love and believe in a God who doesn't waste a single struggle in our lives when we are willing to look to Him to make something beautiful out of it all. I am seeking to see the beauty in the process. Even when it is overwhelming, all-consuming, not-so-easy, and harder than it seems it should be at times.
Our family went to a local beach on Lake Michigan at the beginning of December. We wanted to capture some family pictures and let me tell you, it is no small feat to do such a thing with just the number of people we have to get in one spot. We knew the boys would be okay, because Chip had taken them to walk along the beach a couple of times prior to this picture-taking event. We knew we were going to be lucky to get even one picture together, and my expectations were very low as to even how that photo might turn out. I simply wanted us all in one frame together. I wasn't remotely concerned about smiles or eyes shut or any of that. Just get us together and hopefully, some of us would even have a bit of fun out on the beach at the same time. That was my goal.
To pull it off though, as small as that goal was, took a whole lot of effort. Just getting everyone dressed and into the van and then up on the sand dune for the attempted photo was a major effort. The wind was blowing fierce that day, even though the temperature {for Decemeber!} was a balmy 50 degrees. The boys wanted to run one direction and climb and have fun. I wanted that for them too. We didn't tell them, "it's time to take pictures!" but instead slowly gathered us all to one spot and had our friend keep snapping frames the whole time. It's those behind-the-scenes pictures to me that tell a more true story. The airbrushed, over-edited, Photoshopped pictures are the ones we see in the media all the time. But the truth, more often than not, is that in real life the 'pictures' are rarely posed or neat the way we think they always are. I think one of my struggles has been falling into that comparison trap where what we see around us or as we look at the lives of others we think things are neater or simpler or easier or 10 lbs lighter than they are. the fact is life is alot more messy than that.
Marriage is hard!
Kids are hard!
Gas prices go up...salaries don't rise at the same rate!
Sometimes prayers get prayed and the answers don't come!
Winds blow.
Rains fall.
Burdens get heavier.
Smiles get hard to capture all in one frame.
Getting the 'perfect picture' takes a lot of energy, time, bribing with tiny boxes of raisins, carrying others up sandy dunes, and even then you're not guaranteed a good shot. Much less a great or perfect shot!
Therein lies my struggle. That battle or tension that no matter how good the intentions or efforts or cause, the result might fall far short.
But I am slowly learning and keep repeating to myself that no matter what the results, it is always worth the effort to try. And not to simply just get though it, but to actually put my best foot forward. That is easier said than done! It's never what it appears to be, but even as I look back and as I look ahead, filled with questions and wondering if it even matters, I know that there is coming a day when the purpose and point of all the tough scenes we've lived in life will be so clear. And not only clear, but they will be redeemed too. That is enough to keep me going. No matter how hard the winds blow. No matter how heavy the load gets. I want to be able to see the picture as it was meant to be seen- from glory's vantage point. By His grace, that day is coming and oh what a day that will be.

Note to self:

Sometimes more than any other person out there, I need my own heart to hear the message I share with the world. Earlier today I left a comment on a friend's blogpost. As soon as it posted and the words I had just written stared back at me from the computer screen, I just knew that I was the one that needed to see and believe in what I had just shared.
Maybe your heart needs to hear this same whisper of truth too.

The rising.

One of the wonderful parts about being a scrapper is that it makes it very much "okay" {not that anyone ever needs an excuse!} to go through photos, sift through memories, take lots of pictures, and hold onto mooments we might ordinarily miss in the busy, routine-ness of our days. I learned so much after Teagan's first year of life, just how quickly those days and moments fly by. So I had gotten better at grabbing my camera and snapping everyday moments during her second year and moreso as her baby brother, Brock, made his appearance in our lives.
Today I pulled out a small tote of photos and even just thumbing through a couple of sleeves of pictures I was taken back and reminded of some of the beautiful times I was lucky to have in my life. This picture of Teagan just jumped out at me today. We just had a big winter storm, so the dea of sunshine and short sleeves very muh appeals to me on this January snowy day in Michigan. =) The scene in that pictures is lost by the framing of the lens, but I still remember those days like they just happened. Brock {you can see his baby toes if you look closely} was 6 months old and was an easy going baby propped in his carseat where he could keep an eye on Teagan and me as we went about ur activities each day. Teagan was outside playing this day and I had handed her a few cheese crackers to munch on for afternoon snack. This is a rare look at her- where she is looking at me, but without all the normal mischief in her eyes. She probably turned and snacked her crackers while dancing in the grass after this picture. But those blue eyes and blond curls and perfectly shaped tiny lips were something that melted me everyday I spent with her.
As I flipped through the photo album today, I realized I have never stopped missing everything about her- even all these years later. My heart drops when I let myself accept the reality all over again, that yes, she was here. Yes, she was mine. Yes, she still makes my heart melt at the sight of her.
Oh to love someone so much and have them suddenly gone without one more time to dance and hug and sing a silly song together is the cruel reality of grief and death. It is the part that I have had to wrestle with and wrap my mind around- even as my heart longs for a different reality. It is the part that makes a good day just not as good as it could be. It is the part of living that makes the bad days that much worse. It is the part of living that makes me wish it didn't exist, but the very part that makes me want to rise above and choose happiness as much as I can.
The truth is I am not as good at rising as I once was. Or as I maybe thought I was. Or maybe I am just not as high as I had hoped to be in life by this time. Maybe I just never realized how far the climb from the pit of grief really is, but no matter the reason, I find myself wishing the happiness came easier. I posted about my word of the year being "soar". When I looked at this picture of Teagan today it brought a smile to my face and I could almost picture a soft pair of wings where her little sleeves are at her side. I know that wherever she is, she soars. I know that she still makes my heart flip- that I got to love her and hold her and nourish her and teach her new things and delight in her learning and at the end of the day I felt her hugs and nose rubs and kisses on my face. She is forever a part of me and I know that even on the days I don't soar the way I wish I could, that I have years of rising under my belt and sometimes if all I can do is look back and see how far I've come, that's a part of soaring too. I never want to lose sight of the rising. I am glad I have pictures of a little angel to help me reach higher too.

I can't help but love it. Sometimes.

Friday I washed four loads of laundry. I don't have a laundry room, so my laundry baskets get brought up to the top of their stairs and this is the sight you would see if you rang my doorbell and I opened it up to say hello. My task on Saturday {while Chip hosted 80 people throughout the day out golfing on his new course!He has a job again. We are thankful.} was to fold and put this laundry away. I managed to get three of the four put away. As well as wash 3 more loads.
Between towels and bedding and just daily dirty clothes, there is literally never a time when I don't have piles of clean or dirty laundry sitting around somewhere at our house. It is one of those things that actually drives me crazy at the same time I love and appreciate it so much. I DO love clean, fresh folded laundry way moreso than piles of dirty stuff. But when I fold it and it piles up and I throw yet another load into my wash machine I find myself still thanking God that I get to be the mom to do this thankless job. I even pray for and am thankful for my kids and Chip who wear and dirty the clothes and towels and sheets. I think back so many times to the day I first did a load of laundry- it was several weeks after Teagan had died and I was "happy" to be getting back to doing a normal chore again. I had spent a few weeks with Wyndham and Chip in ICU, and even then when we came home from Hurley I was in a wheelchair and unable to go downstairs to do the laundry. So when that day finally came that I could do something so ordinary and something I had done over and over, I was unprepared at how different it was to wash, dry and fold clothes with Teagan's clothes not in the mix. It rocked my already grief-stricken world and I it is one of the "cries" and memories that has struck me so many times since then throughout the years. I was totally unprepared for the "missing" of her in something so routine. It made me realize how much I had taken for granted. It made me realize how much she was and always would be a part of my life. It made me realize how lucky I was to still have Chip, Brock and Wyndham and my physical abilities back to even try to resume our "normal" life once again.
My heart had ached at the loss of Teagan and all our bodies, hearts and minds were healing from. But I never knew doing laundry that day would change my persective on so many levels. I have been buried in laundry every year since then with the addition of more babies and with the growing that everyone has done through the years. But when I see baskets of laundry, on my very worst days, I still see something to give thanks for. I am ever grateful for the baskets that overflow. It reminds me of how many people I have to love and care for inmy home. It reminds me of how blessed we are to have so many things- clean water and soap to wash with, clothes to wear, closet space to put it all away- when I get around to doing that. I don't always love a lot of things in my life. But I am always trying to be better at even loving the parts that aren't always so lovable.
My word for this year is "soar". I want to soar and appreciate the stuff that is ever-present and not always so thrilling. To do so gives my heart and mind the push to be thankful for everything. Seeking to love the 'gifts' in life that we don't always think of as gifts is one of the ways I am choosing to look at life. I know I won't always have this many full baskets in my life. So that makes me even more thankful for them now. And that is the kind of thing that makes my heart soar...and makes the laundry less of a chore and turns it into a precious gift. I think it's why I enjoy stocking up on Tide as much as I do too. {Seriously, I usually keep at least 8 jugs on hand...partlt because I buy them on good sales. And also in part because it isn't surprising how much we go through it and I never want to run out!}Oh the joys of life when we just start breaking down the stuff we have and seeing it in new ways. I am not always good at it. But that's part of what makes life a good challenge too.
And now I want to know, is there something in life you can't help but love, even though most other people might think it's not all that great or fun? And what about a word for the year. Do you choose one? Feel free to share. I would love to know what you you are all focusing on for this year. xo

That's a wrap!

Good-bye to twenty-twelve. It has been a wild year for me and my family in so many ways. A year of things we never imagined, planned or expected all sprinkled with some amazing new {lifelong!} friendships, memories to cherish forever, and lessons lived and learned that could only have been learned through the events and people that wrapped themselves up in the form of 2012. It was the year we moved twice. Across several state lines. With 6 kids- including 3 in diapers at one point, and with stress levels that would make everyone's blood pressure spike.
But there were gourmet cupcakes. And bunches of fresh bananas and chocolate milk in the midst of the stress too. There was laughter and hugs and prayers and good wishes. There was a little groundhog outside our window that was busy and playful and provided entertainment as we ate breakfast, lunch and dinner at a table that my parents got us that 8 people can actually sit at all at one time. There were new songs to be sung, names and faces to learn, new library cards and books that led us on new adventures all their own.
From the pigeon longing to drive a bus to my kids standing at their own bus stop and climbing aboard to new schools and friends that would force them to grow and change and step outside their former comfort zones too. There was much to see, do and embrace~ and even re-doing things too. Like taking driver's test for our licenses. And reconnecting with 'old' friends. It was a year of ups and downs and twists and turns and never quite knowing what was going to be around the next turn.
But isn't that what life is made up of? If there is one thing I have learned in my 40 years of living, it is that no matter how much we plan and prepare and think we know what life is going to bring, it very likely will go its own way and look nothing like the picture you imagined it to look.
I scrapped a mini book about welcoming the new year, two-thousand and thirteen, with the fantastic kit from Cocoa Daisy for January. You can order a kit or sign up to subscribe and get it every month here, if you like. Jumping back into scrapbooking has been one of the highlights of my year and I am excited to be on the team this year too. Creating has been the one thing that has helped me process some of the crazier parts of this past year and also it is my launching place for the hopes and dreams I hold for this new year too. It does take up some of my time and energy and sometimes I wonder if it is the best use of them, but even Chip has noticed that scrapping fuels my inner joy and helps bring out the best in me, so he approves and is very supportive of my hobby and creative time. I am lucky that he allows me to let things slide around the house in order for me to fill my heart and express myself through paper and stickers and ink. I just loved the process of making this little book of quotes and words that I want to set the tone for me as 2013 rings in later on tonight. I am using the word "soar" as my focus word and hoping that I can find new ways to be invigorated and stay positive as we wait for a job for Chip and continue to resettle back here in our Michigan home. It has been a hard transition for me, much more than the kids. Leaving such close friends and all the newness of what life held has been hard. I feel like it was a big 'trick' to get such enough taste of what life can and does hold, but then got taken away from us all too quickly. It has felt like a huge step backward in life to return to the place we had said our goodbyes too and have to try to start again, only this time the house and yard were in rougher shape, my spirits were low, my optimism dashed, and a big piece of my heart was left in Minnesota.
Making a little book and surrendering to the many things I have told myself and learned over and over- things like create your own Joy and trust in the One who sees the big picture- is the place where I find solace and rest. It is the place where my spirit is still and I find that in the quietness and surrender is a fountain of hope. This past year has been so many different things to me and my family. This new year will likely be filled with suprises, blessings, more challenges and ultimately more opportunities to rise to the occasion, dig deeper and shine brighter when it's all said and done.
I am thankful for all of you who hope for good things to come, and who cheer me and my family on through the rough waters too. You are a blessing to us and I am still working on mailing some of you cards too. So from my heart to yours, thank you and best wishes as you wrap up 2012 and watch 2013 take flight. I hope it is a year of adventure and growth and seeing things from places you never dreamed you would find yourself~ be willing to be amazed at the view. No matter your vantage point. We're seeking to make two-thousand thirteen our year where the good outweighs the bad. That is always a good approach to anything...especially a new year!

More milestones.

Brock, Bella and Ava started school two days ago. We are in full swing of adjusting to a new fall schedule/routine and that is always a bit challenging when you have 8 people plugging along nicely with a laid-back summer schedule. But I know we will find our new groove. As we do each year at this time. My biggest challenge is to get some ready and out the door and keep the others from following that are supposed to stay home! =) Teague and Crew would gladly throw on flip flops and join the 'big kids' for a bus ride. They think it looks fun and we have had a couple of mornings of "meltdowns" over not being able to accomodate their young wishes.
Wyndham is getting ready to start a new schedule soon too. We just don't have all the details of what that entails for her quite yet. But the process is underway. I wrote an update on my FB status yesterday about how hard the first day of school is for me as I process grief in the mix of my kids growing up too. I have never been able to picture Teagan growing up- even as all her siblings do- and so to think of my little girl as a sophmore this year literally brought me to tears yesterday morning. Not a long, hard cry. But the kind of cry where I realize we have had to surrender so many dreams we had for her and we missed out on so much of the living that we imagined with her through the years. Knowing she would be so grown up and yet having only photos and mementos left of her as such a little girl just makes my heart wince with a pain I have felt over and over the past decade and more. I miss her especially so on days like this. Yet I know without a doubt that even a split second in Heaven will more than make up for whatever it is I have had to endure here on earth. So I hold tight to the hope of glory and the promises that God is making all things new. In His time.
When the kids came home from school yesterday I had baked a brownie pie and as we sat around the table eating the fresh-baked after school snack and discussing the exciting events of the first day, Bella looked across the table at Wyndham for a moment. She then turned to me and said, "I wonder if Wyndham is sad that she didn't get to go to school today?" I explained to Bella that Wyndham went to a meeting and she will likely be starting her own classes soon.
I thought that would be the end of that conversation.
Instead, my thoughtful, new fifth grader looked right into my eyes and her eyes started to well with tears. Without a bit of hesitation, Bella replied to me, "I wish I could trade my body with Wyndham for a week so that she would be able to know what it feels like to be a normal kid like the rest of the kids in my class". She was so serious and so tender and passionate and even hurt about not being able to actually act on something she wanted for her sister so badly. My own throat got that feeling in it that I feel every so often about wishing things so different. At that moment I wished that none of us was having this be a part of our "first day back at school" afternoon chat. It's heavy stuff over a piece of warm brownie pie!
I couldn't hold back my own emotions. Not after I had cried over my broken dreams with Teagan earlier in my day. So I let my tears fall and I gave Bella a hug as her own lip quivered and I told her that that was a remarkable thing to wish to do for Wyndham. She seemed sort of surprised that I would say it's amazing to want to do that for Wyndham. She said to me, "I would if I could, Mom! I would give anything to let Wyndham just be a regular kid for once!" Oh my...my Mommy heart felt like it could burst. I was moved at the sincerity and empathy from one daughter; I was wishing the world for another; and I wanted a do-over with Teagan all at the same instance.
I don't live in this kind of emotional and heartfelt world all the time. More often than not there are arguments between kids over silly things, there is 'drama' over remotes and Wii's and who gets to play the computer next. But in that instance I realized that aside from all that stuff we are learning and experiencing stuff firsthand that makes us more sensitive to others- more aware of struggles. Ours and others too. A "normal" afterschool snack felt like a divine experience- even though I'm not even fully certain of what occurred. All  I know is I could "feel" Bella's heart. I could see Wyndham's own face with a smile on it as she ate her chocolate brownie bites, and my own heart was feeling gratitude, longing, amazement and peace all at once. It was just abit later that Wyndham was playing with her iPad and she literally poked me and turned the screen my way as she pointed to it. She has an app with all sorts of word choices that she has been getting to learn a bit at therapy and by playing with it at home. This time she had formed a 3-word sentence which read, "I want carrots". I looked at her beaming face and said, "You want carrots?" and she got so excited that I had got the message. She was so proud of herself and I was proud and blown away too! I of course, got right up from my spot at the table and brought back a little dish of mini carrots for her to eat. She was so excited all over again. It was so cute I took the picture even though the lighting was terrible. I knew I wanted to remember such a major milestone moment with her. I don't know how far she will go with the challenges that lie ahead of her. I don't know what any of my ids will face in our futures to come. But I do know that the ride is amazing and full of emotions at times that make my head and heart spin. I am so glad that 3 of my kids are off to a good start this school year. I am thankful that we have so many reasons to be thankful- no matter what we will face. I am thankful that my kids are learning to care about other people who are less fortunate than themselves and they have a front seat to how extra-special needs people can be the ones to enrich our lives- as Wyndham does in ours every single day.
The milestones may "look different" than I imagine them at times. But they are treasures and gifts that make the journey so great. Even at the twists and turns that I wish we didn't have to take at times. I am thankful that God is leading the way.