She's brought us more joy {and cupcakes too!}

My Bella. We call her Bella, but she was born, Isabella...10 years ago today. Oh how the years go by so quickly it seems! The days can feel long at times, but the years are swift and leave it to another birthday to remind me of that. So my sweet Bella is having a birthday today. She is out with Chip and all the kids for lunch- except for Teague, who is napping and which is why I am enjoying a quiet moment to blog. And to reflect.
I wrote an update on FaceBook today about how she was born early in the morning and under scary circumstances. For whatever reason, and we'll never know for sure, her heart rate stopped when I was at the hospital, in labor (at 8cm) and suddenly everything in the room went for normal, calm breathing to high alert/panic mode. I'll never forget the look on Chip's face. I'll never forget the stern, firm words from my doctor as they suddenly prepared to deliver her. The doctor told me, "Normally I wouldn't ask you to do this, but you have to just do what I say...you're going to push and have this baby in the next contraction. There's no other way." That was the moment Chip panicked and as the room sort of swirled and buzzed around me I remember that I pushed with all my might and much to all of our surprise and I am sure a helping nudge from above, Bella was born.
She was tiny. Not my tiniest, but at 5lbs. 10. oz. and 18 inches long, she was small. And after a moment or two of oxygen and rubbing from the nurses, she was healthy and doing just fine. That all happened on July 25, 2002. Four days shy of the first annivesary of our incident in which Teagan was taken from us so suddenly. It was almost surreal to me at that time, and it still i now when I pause to think about it all, that in the time span of one year we lost one daughter, had a brush with death with another and yet held her in our arms amazed at the new life God had given to Chip and me again. I remember feeling so overwhelmed. Not as I had been with becoming a mom all over again with my other kids, but with the knowledge that all my kids were gifts from God no matter how long they would be in my arms here on earth. I was overwhelmed with the way God was showing Himself to be real in our lives- in spite of our tragedy and broken hearts. He knew before Chip and I did, that the very thing we needed in life was someone so small and perfect to be a stunning visual, baby soft reminder of God's mercy, tenderness, might and sovereignty in our lives.
Isabella was all of that, and so much more. I have loved her and wept over her with tears of joy and the belief in my heart once again that I could absolutely trust in God's ways and in His timing. She was a gift to our lives and hearts when we would have closed ourselves off to goodness in this world simply because we were hurt so deeply. But God reached down into the depths of our hurt and sent Bella to us at such a perfect time. We couldn't have planned it any more perfectly than it happened.
She is 10 years old today. In those ten years we have watched her grow and change and continue to become more of the person God made her to be. She is sensitive. And feisty too. She loves Pokemon and computers and she is amazing at art and writing and she is quick-witted too. She would stay up reading late into the night every night if I let her. She would still probably be the first or second one awake. =) She is Crew's best buddy these days, but also connects with Ava as one would expect sisters so close inage to do. If I told her she could never go outside again, she would probably clap her hands and shout, 'hooray!'. She sys, "I am more of an inside kind of girl." I love that she knows what she likes and what she doesn't. But she sometimes surprises me at what she will venture to try too.
One night a little while back as I was tucking her into bed for the night she had sort of a downcast look about her. I sat on the edge of her bed and asked, "Bella, is everything okay? You look kind of sad". Her response blew me away...and yet totally affirmed what I already know to be true about her. She said, "Mom, I feel sad inside...do you know why?" I asked, "No...why?" She replied, "I can't stop thinking about some kids in the world. There are kids in the world who don't have a mom or dad or someone else to love them. I feel sad when I think about kids who don't get a hug or kiss goodnight." And then she told me this, "When I grow up I want to travel around the world meeting kids who don't get love and giving them hugs and kisses."
Wow.
If every heart were as sensitive and empathetic as hers, this world would be so full of extra hugs and kisses that I think we would overflow with love. I actually hope that she does grow up and find herself able to tend to people who need love and give some of hers away. She is good at showing her love and to know that her love could change the life of another person is an amazing thing to me. Her love already changed me. So I have no doubt that God is working in her and will do what He wants to do through her.
I was flipping through my scrap albums with Teague yesterday afternoon. He was surprisingly gentle and really interested in the pages in my books. I was surprised by that! One of the first pages we turned to was the one I posted here about Bella. She was 5 at the time. I love that I captured that conversation and moment in her life. I love that not much has changed. =)

If you believe in karma, you can't believe in her...

One year ago at this time Chip and I were dancing with Wyndham in our living room, then getting her into her jammies and tucking her as cozy as we possibly could into her bed. It was the eve of her double-foot surgery. We knew we were in for some major life changes, and comfort was not going to be one of them. For her, or us. We knew life was about to get as challenging as it's been for us in a long while.

We just didn't have a clue it was going to drag on. For a whole year. Or more.

Trust me.

We've lived through lots and lots of medical situations and injuries that require extensive care and treatment. We've been through the wringer with grief and trauma and all that it takes out of you as you process it and work your way through it. We're no strangers to doctors telling us what to expect- and having it turn out more on the "worst case scenario" end of the spectrum. I guess I could just tell you we're not rookies when it comes to recovery after injuries.

But this time it was different.

There were no medical helicopters or ambulances rushing one of our loved ones off with the outcome {literally} up in the air. We were feeling cautious, yet hopeful as Wyndham faced a few months of immobility and healing. We had several consulations of various doctors- all who agreed and supported the decision to go ahead with the realignment surgery and tendon lengthening. They used words like, "Wyndham is a good candiate" and "you should expect her to do very well" and "this is something that's been done before yielding great results, so we expect the same or better for you too". As hesitant and unsure as I was going into these consults, I walked away from them each time certain that Chip and I were making the best decision for Wyndham to have the surgery done. We felt educated and informed. We had asked lots of questions. We had exhausted other less invasive measures for a few years and finally felt like we were at the place where there really was only one best option.

So we went ahead and had her surgery done.

I dreaded it and prayed about it for over a year. I asked God for a miracle. I fully expected that at some point along the way my prayers would be heard. I figured that even right up to the very last set of x-rays taken that the doctors would come back to our room and tell us that they couldn't believe it or explain it but there would be no surgery needed. I fully believed that God wanted to use Wyndham as a real-life miracle in an orthopedic office setting. It seemed an unusual place- but I knew God could do miracles anywhere. That's the way this story went. In my head and in my heart. I wanted nothing more than for Wyndham to avoid the pain and suffering that she would endure. I wanted nothing more than for her to be able to keep going to school and be "just like all the other kids". I wanted her to keep growing and playing and laughing and signing and riding bike like she had been doing so well for the past couple of years. We certainly didn't need her laid-up in double casts. It would never be a "good time" for that. But certainly not just 5 weeks after her new baby brother had been born. That's supposed to be the time for the family to bond and nuture one another and adjust to sleepless nights and just take it all in. Because a new baby brings enough change of its own. We're no rookies in that department either.

So I knew, one year ago, as I danced with Wyndham and tucked her in and then swaddled Teague and nursed him to sleep, that the morning would either bring miracle or hurt. For all of us. Unfortunately, God chose not to heal Wyndham's feet on their own, but instead Chip gave her a nice warm bath, she had to skip breakfast, and then we hugged her and sent her off- with a smile on her face- to have surgery on both of her feet/legs.

Chip called me with an update at one point and said she had all the nurses smiling as she held out her finger for the pulse-ox and she was just being the best patient ever. I imagined that she would be. This was the first time she was hospitalized and not sick. She was as healthy and strong and happy as she'd ever been. Which made it all the harder for me.

I'm sure it was still the pregnancy hormones in my body, but I spent most of that morning in tears. I couldn't shake the feeling that it was the worst thing that I could do as a mom- sign the papers and authorize my little girl to have bone taken from her pelvis and placed in both feet, as well as have her legs cut lengthwise on the back of her calves for her tendons to be lengthened. It was as if I were signing us up for suffering. Her for the physical pain and limitations it would put on her; Chip and me for the added demands and emotional/mental suffering we would feel as we helped nurse for her and give her the care needed to get her back on her feet. I cried because I knew that everyone of us in our family was going to hurt in some way. And I had basically said, "Go ahead... you have my okay."

In my defense, I really feel that even though we asked a hundred questions, and even though the therapists supported us and the physiatrist supported us and recommended her surgeon and even though Wyndham loved her surgeon and we all seemed so confident and ready to get this done, I still feel (looking back a year post surgery) like we were not given the full scope of what the worst-case scenario might be. We were told she would be in double casts up to her knees for 8 weeks. Then she would be in some orthodics- which would be adjusted as she progressed with her rehabilitation. There was never, ever mention that she would be needing a wheelchair one year later. Or more.

That never crossed my mind. We looked at it as suffering and life-style changes that would last through the winter months, but then by spring we would be ready to breathe in the newness of springtime and feel energized and see Wyndham flourish. We never dreamed that things would take a toll on her the way they did. She hardly moved out of her wheelchair for the first 6 months at all. We never dreamed her lack of good progress would take such a toll on our marriage and family dynamics. I guess I thought Chip and I would find a rhythm and things would sort of move along differently. But we are adaptable people. We've lived through traumas and seizures and sort of expected that in taking it one day at a time we would manage the way we always do.

With humor getting us through most of it, and with the light at the end of the tunnel guiding our way. Only this time, there were too many days where none of us laughed. The pain was managable for Wyndham. But beyond that I couldn't help but grow more and more resentful as the progress seemed too slow and the recovery more demanding than any of us had imagined it would be.

I shut myself off from the world. In part because we had a new baby and 4 other kids just doesn't make it convenient to go out and do anything anywhere. But I think I shut myself out and grew a little bit more resentful everyday because truth be told, in my heart and mind we had already paid the price of suffering. And even more than Chip and me, Wyndham had paid more than her fair share of suffering. With each day that we had to lift her out of bed, and with each diaper change that we had to roll her to her side and try to bathe as she lay helplessly looking on or watched her siblings go off to school or play the games they wanted to, it just dug like a knife in my heart.

I've heard a lot about karma the past few years. You know, the idea that what a person puts out into the world is what comes back to them? Well, I believe it to a point. A really tiny one. And then I toss that notion out the window. Why else would there be so many things written about why bad things happen to good people? Or what about natural disasters- they take anyone in their wake. There is no mercy or stopping for people who have meant their quota of good. Sometimes bad just happens.

As I've watched Wyndham's life unfold over more than a decade now, I've only seen from her "good". I mean literally her life was turned upside-down and her chances to put anything out in the world were stripped before she had even sat up on her own. She never even had the chance to say a bad word. She has only shown determination and joy everytime she's had the world turn against her. And there have been a lot of times. Yet somehow, she overcomes. She's a fighter... most often with humor being her method of finding her way back too. She has always had a high pain tolerance and she always manages to be the one that makes me see the light is still there. No matter how dark it's gotten through the years.

In fact, one of the biggest reasons Chip and I have fought to keep our marriage together and have been able to find joy and happiness in life after loss and tragedy is because we have looked at Wyndham (and Brock, and all our other kids too) and we've said we want to keep it together and give them the best that we can in spite of how we feel.

But this year has been different.

I've had to fight with me (follow me here- I'm talking about the me inside of me) because I've blamed myself and felt regret and basically I have tried to figure out why the suffering we've lived with has had to follow us for as long as it has. I truly believe that God is able to change our circumstances. I fully trust Him with all that happens in our lives. So to feel pain for so long and not lose the happiness we worked so hard to get back through the years has just added to the hurt I've carried inside. It's been tough.

I've gone around in circles and tried to figure out what we could have done differently. That never helps anything for me anyway. It just makes me wish for a "do over" and we all know that can't happen. So I feel disappointed too. That even though we've tried our best, it just isn't turning out the way we imagine it to.

One year later.

I've been riding my bike for the past 4 months or so. I average 10 miles each day. I've ridden over 500 miles and in the time it takes to pedal that far I have had a lot of thinking and wrestling and praying along the way. I've pedaled some days out of frustration. I've pedaled some days out of fear. I've pedaled some days out of regret. I've pedaled some days just because I know Teagan never got to ride a big girl bike and Wyndham will never bike alone. So I've biked for them. I've pedaled some days because I can't believe how good I feel. I've sometimes wondered if I'd ever feel "good" again. {The answer is yes!} I've pedaled some days asking God to take all the pain away. I've pedaled on other days thanking Him for being merciful and keeping Chip and me together to bear the burdens and still see beauty rise from them. I've thanked God for giving me the ability to finally let go of needing answers or seeing outcomes that I've predetermined in my own heart and mind. I've pedaled and wondered why He's given me so much when I sometimes act like the biggest baby in my whole family.

One year ago I knew Wyndham was going to wake up and then be taken from her cozy home and the next thing she would find herself throbbing and her legs would be in bright orange casts and her hip would ache, but she would never know why. I am sorry that I let it happen to her. I am sorry one year later that I didn't know better than to say no. I am sorry that I couldn't change the fact that she would be in a wheelchair for a year and give up so much. I am sorry that I couldn't make it better for her. I am sorry I couldn't take away the hurt. I regret that she has suffered and been changed- even though she is content in her chair and doesn't seem to feel pain now. She isn't back to the way she was. She still needs maximum support and aid for so many daily activities.

Chip and I have found as much of a "normal" groove in the past year as we can with her needs and those of 5 other kids. We've only just begun to find our way back to one another. I am still on my way of letting go of why all this has had to happen to us. I am still holding on to the hope that even if God chooses to not reveal the answers to my questions, that I can still trust Him and know that He can work it all for good.

My faith isn't dependent on needing the answers. But it sure depends on knowing the One that has them all. That's the bottom line. It's not about karma. It's not about who has done what and how good or bad it's been. It's not about our energy being worse than another families, and it's certainly not about Wyndham deserving of something bad yet again. It's been a journey, that's for sure.

As you can see from the photos, she IS doing well. We're ALL doing well. In many regards we have nothing to complain about. We have more than we need or deserve. Would we change things if we could... yes. But we are taking things as they come. And Teague is happy to spend time in the chair during the times Wyndham is out of it.

I continue to bike as often as I can and with each passing mile I am feeling more confident that no matter what our family endures, we will come out shining. I can't say that I believe in karma. But I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, I DO believe in overcoming. And if you believe in that, then you most definitely believe in Wyndham. And I believe Wyndham is here because God knows we all need to see what a miracle looks like everyday. I most assuredly believe in those.

Distorted view...part 1.

I've had some thoughts going through my head about perfectionism and self-image and how those things affect our joy and contentment level in life. At least there seems to be a connection between them as I look at my own life. So I'm going to blog some of my thoughts and they may turn into a mini-series here if I get them all out of my head. I just don't know how coherent or meaningful they will be to you. But feel free to read along with me as I 'talk outloud' and as always, I'll read your comments and reflect on those too.

The pictures here (aside from the one of Crew, which I posted just to show you his grin and adorable tongue again...ha!) were some I forgot we took during spring break when our family visited the Grand Rapids Children Museum. Apart from waiting outside for about 35 minutes in a chilly breeze, we all enjoyed the activities and fun that took place in early April. The family picture we got in the ripple mirror just happens to be one where we are all looking into the camera at the same time. Isn't that the way it goes? The one time we actually all have our heads in the same direction is the one time we're standing in front of a mirror that takes at least 4 inches off your height and adds at least 25 pounds! But look at our smiles! We were all having fun and actually smiling more because of our mishapen bodies.

Which brings me to one of the points of writing this post. I'm well beyond my middle school and teen years in which I had such low self-esteem, and yet sadly, years later, I still find myself seeing my 'flaws" first and most obvious each time I look into a mirror or see my reflection somewhere. I'm wondering when and if that ever goes away?! I've fully come to accept my short height (I'm 5-2) and know that I'll never be a size 2, and that doesn't bother me. I've been size 8-14 for several years now and have found little correlation between the reading on a scale when I step on it and the happiness I experience in my day-to-day life. Don't get me wrong, I can get crabby and find myself grumpy about food when my weight starts to tip the scale more than I like, but it certainly doesn't hold true all that often. I've been my lowest weight and also been most unhappy too, so it's obvious to me that numbers don't determine happiness.

Just as true about weight is money, if you ask me. Having more of it doesn't automatically mean you'll be happier. Some of the people I've been around that have money/material wealth also have had a lot of heartache over 'stuff' and broken relationships too. More often than not, it seems to me that having money just adds to stress levels in life. As someone once said, the millionaires are striving to become multi-millionaires and the more you achieve, the more work it takes to try to achieve the success you are aiming for. Once you've arrived where you want to be you find there's another world awaiting you and you start climbing the ladder to the next level of success. It's never-ending and certainly doesn't get easier on the way up.

But that's sort of another topic all on its own.

What I've really been thinking about is how God loves us as we are- whether we've accepted His grace and love in our life or not. Other than asking Him for forgiveness and inviting Him into our hearts and lives, there is nothing we can do to earn His favor.

Nothing.

That reality- that God loves us as we are- is such a comfort to me and one I've been trying to think about as I go through my day-to-day activities, oftentimes doing the same tasks over and over, feeling as though they really aren't that significant in the scheme of life. But it's in the very ordinary, mundane tasks that I feel most affirmed in who I am too. It's crazy how that works, but I'm beginning to finally accept that I never will be {or ever claim to be!} SuperMom or SuperWoman or SuperAnything, and that's perfectly okay. It doesn't mean God can't use me or that I'm failing in my life. My faults, downfalls and inadequacies actually build in me more humility, more empathy, keep me dependent on God and serve to remind me that I'm forever a work in progress.

I know this is getting a bit long, but I have one more thought to get out of my head. I've been thinking about some of the "stories behind the stories" that I grew up listening to and now share with my kids from the Bible. One of my favorites has always been the story of the loaves and fish. Do you know the one? Jesus was teaching a great multitude of people and the day got longer and longer and soon the disciples realized that the people were going to need a dinner break. They went to Jesus and told them that they had no food to feed the thousands of hungry people and they asked him what they should do. Jesus basically said, "feed them". With what, the disciples wondered? So they went through the crowds and in the end found only one little boy with a couple of fish and a few loaves of bread. They brought it to Jesus and many of you will recall that Jesus not only multiplied the little lunch, but there were 12 baskets leftover too!

Recently, as a mom, when I read that story again, I couldn't help but think about the mother who packed the little sack lunch for her son. The Bible doesn't tell us anything about her, but I just wonder if she wasn't an overworked woman with household chores and duties that seemed never-ending and even a 'waste of her time' most days. Yet, she made sure her son had nourishment and she sent him off to hear a teacher one day and went about her business. I wonder what she thought when her boy came home full of excitement and out-of-breath, anxious and tripping over his words as he retold the story of the miracle Jesus did with his little lunch. I wonder if her heart was forever changed from that day on as she went about her day-to-day chores. What had once felt mundane and like drudgery, now served as a reminder that God didn't need her to be a superhero or even do anything all that significant. What He did was take what she had, which in this instance was a boy who was willing to share his lunch that his mom had made- she obviously had taught him to be generous and the combination of his little lunch and willing heart fed thousands.

I get overwhelmed at times- not with the tasks that I have to do each day- but more often than not, it's from a distorted view of who I am and what I should be doing. I thank God that He can take what I have to give- no matter how big or small my gifts may be- and He can use them and even multiply them in my life and others. How great is our God?! He has proved Himself in my life and others to be faithful and good, time and time again. I'm so glad that He doesn't demand perfection or even some crazy, expensive payment in order to receive His grace and mercy. He'll take whatever it is we have to offer. And He has the ability to turn it into something great. That's just who He is.

To think I almost got my "wish".

I am blogging one-handed and it feels amazing. I have the most delicate-smelling, soft, sweet, perfectly formed baby boy in my arm and on my chest. My heart feels as though it could explode. In the best way possible- from overflowing love and wonder. My mind can hardly wrap around the fact that I once made Chip prmise me we would never, ever have kids. It was the one wish- the one desire of my heart as I dreamed of my/our future together back in 1994.
And now here I sit...with a heart so dramatically changed- so transformed- so humbled that I am brought to tears.
I hardly recognize myself. I have thanked God a hundred times in just the past 3 hours that His plan for my future included not only Teagan, Brock, Wyndham, Bella and Ava, but someone so precious I couldn't have picked out a more amazing little one- Baby Crew.
I just want to give praise and glory and honor to God- from whom ALL things flow. I thank Him for the things He has given and blessed our lives with, and I thank Him for knowing what is best for us every single day. The trials and hardships definitely make moments and days like today a million times more incredible and memorable. Sometimes it's hard to accept all that we walk through...but there are mountaintop peaks from which I blog right now, and looking at life from this point just makes it so worth it.
Worth all the pain.
Worth the surrender.
Worth the questions I've asked.
Worth the concerns that I've entertained.
Thanks to so many of you for loving our family though all these things. For praying. For caring.
For just following "our story" and letting us touch your lives in some small way.
God is good.

I feel wonderful at this point and after such a speedy induced labor/delivery I am ready to have three more. It's Chip that needs the convincing now. And I know the hardest part would be choosing all the names!
I promise pictures as soon as I get my laptop. But until then, you can take my word for it that Crew is more than I thought a baby could be. At two hours and 15 minutes old, I stared down at him and the tears flowed freely. He's so perfect, like I said, I just couldn't believe he was mine. I have never deserved such a gift. But I am going to soak up every minute of him. He's just hours old and already I can't imagine my life without him. I am totally and completely smitten. And it's the most wonderful thing. Ever.

A little Scrapjack fun...and lots of prayers too.

Some of you may not be familiar with the fun and games that go on in the scrapworld. It's not all just memory-keeping and recording birthdays and holidays when it somes to scrapping pictures. I had the chance to play along with some of my Fashionista friends from SIStv and as we were invited to be 'guest Jackers' over at the Scrapjack blog.
What a scrapjack is really is looking at someone's page/project and taking away some sort of inspiration from it and then you go back to your scrap space and create your own page/project. (Here's the link to my page above.) It's a fun concept and this round happens to feature a SISter as well as offers a prize for the best Jack- which is a $25.00 gift certificate to the ScrapInStyle Boutique! How's that for fun and scrapping?!
I hope to do more scrapping and playing around and just plain ol' having fun this summer.
I also want to remind some of you about the needs of some of my 'online friends' as their summers aren't going quite as they had planned.
Of course, there is the Steven Curtis Chapman family who continues to appreciate and need our prayers as they grieve the death of Maria. I have found this blog to be a good source of keeping updated on how best to pray for them.
Also, Jaymun is in much need of our prayers and I know his family was so grateful for cards and gas cards and just the thoughts any of you can send their way as he battles for his life for the second time. I wish they were just looking forward to a summer of fun and games with him and the rest of their kids...but it looks like God has other plans at this time. Please keep praying and checking out his blog. I'm hoping we can watch another miracle unfold in his life.
Tomorrow {Monday} happens to be a really hard day for the Smith/Sponberg family. Many of you have followed and prayed for Todd and Angie as they welcomed Audrey into this world and then said their good-byes to her on the very same day. They have been a picture of God's strength and mercy in light of the death of Audrey. Yet I know they feel weak and incapable of bearing their grief and sorrow even though God is their rock. The feelings have been even greater the past few days as they joined Todd's sister Nicol and her husband, Greg, in sharing in the sorrow and pain of the death of their infant son, Luke. Monday is Luke's memorial service and Angie has been so gracious to share her thoughts and their addresses where anyone who wishes may send gifts and cards.
My heart is heavy for all these families and even others I know who I continue to pray for in time of grief, sickness and sorrow. Life can seem overwhelming at times. It's true. But I also know, without a doubt, that God is so real and shares in our burdens and when we give our pain to Him, He often turns it right around and makes it a gift to us. It doesn't always lessen the pain and sorrows we feel... but in time, there is often great peace and purpose and there is always Hope.
Thank you for caring for so many who need our prayers, for loving them through the web and your comments and cards. And for those of you who don't fully understand how God is able to bring good out of that which can destroy, I urge you to just bookmark these stories and watch the miracles unfold. God is good- ALL the time. Even when we don't understand His ways. I will never stop praising Him and giving Him glory for all He still does in my life and the lives of countless others.

Sometimes I don't know if I should laugh or cry...

To most of you reading here, these pictures just look like two sisters having fun outside in the grass. And you're right; Bella and Wyndham were rolling down the front lawn when Chip did the weeding and planting and it was just a mellow family night outside for a couple of hours.
What you can't see {and why I post this and make a 'big deal' out of these pictures} is that it really is such a huge thing for Wyndham to be in any of these photos...much less smiling and having fun. But our families know. And some of our close friends and her therapists know.
That this really is a big deal.
Wyndham's brain injury has affected her in so many ways, and honestly, since we have lived and 'grown along' with her special needs for almost 7 years now, they sometimes just seem 'normal' to us. It's not something I point out to people all that often- even though there are still so many issues with her. We have tried to make them a part of our lives and we try to treat her as 'normal' as the other kids and truly it is one of my favorite 'compliments' in life when we can go places and people don't even know she has issues at all.
It has come at a cost though.
Since August of 2001 she has had in-home or outpatient therapy/rehab from 2-4 times per week...from 1 to 3 hour sessions. I don't even know how to begin to add up how many hours that equals. I just know it is a lot.
She has had to try harder to do things that most kids do without even 'thinking'. She has had to overcome fears that don't even cross other kids' minds- like sitting on a swing, or stepping up to an 'automatic door', or even touching grass.
These 'fears' are real to her and there are medical terms for her sensory issues and needs, but I won't go into all of them here. I just had to post these pictures and {especially let our family and friends know} that God continues to be so good to Wyndham and it is in these little "big" moments that I am reminded of His ongoing love and care for us and truly I don't know whether to laugh or cry at times such as this.
I was watching Bella roll down the hill and she was laughing and having so much fun. I had taken a few pictures of Chip and had my camera outside and of course, I had to take some of Bell too. Wyndham had been watching Chip and was just sitting on blanket with a pair of big garden gloves on. She was content to watch and felt a part of the process simply because she had the gloves on her hands.
But then I saw her watching Bella too and she moved off of the blanket and sat in the grass. Now this in and of itself is a big deal. All last summer she wouldn't even put her bare feet in the grass. She wouldn't walk off of the driveway onto the grass- even to go to the swingset, by herself. She has an aversion to the texture and the uneveness of the grass/hill made her nervous too.
I watched her eyeing Bella and then at one point Bella came over to her and said, "Wyndham, you can roll too. It's fun!". And with that, Wyndham laid down in the grass and allowed Bella to help roll her down the front lawn. She seemed to love it as much as Bella! She rolled a few more times and then when she sat for a break, I asked to take her picture and she smiled and signed "grass" for me too.
I know it seems like such a small thing when there is so much pain and natural disaster and tough stuff going on in the world, but for me, at that moment, it was just a wonderful {loud!} yet tender reminder that God is in ALL things. The little stuff and the big stuff. I had to hold back tears, and even typing this gives me that familiar lump in my throat that has come so many times through the years as I have truly seen and felt God at work in our lives.
Sometimes I think we forget He is there- especially in the little stuff- because He just seems like He would be too 'busy' for us in the small things. Yet I am writing this, knowing in my heart that He is real and He cares and He loves and He heals and brings blessing and Joy when we allow Him into our lives fully. The big and the little.
I am sorry for the struggles that Wyndham has had and will continue to have in her life. But at the same time, I consider them some of my biggest blessings and I know that God will never let us down. Through it all. In those moments, I just breathe...because I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

The month of May

It's crazy to think my kids will be done with an entire school year at the end of this month. Despite the seemingly long and endless winter months, spring is here and suddenly there is much to do and the days are speeding by as summer approaches. I loved reading all your comments about what you love about nature. I love too, that God is SO evident in all of it- from the tiniest bud on a tree to the most ranging storms and calm afterwards. God is in beauty all around us.
The comment left by Cassie was the one that came up when I did the random number generator- so Cassie, email me your mailing address and I'll send you a butterfly card in the mail.
{ nitty.grittyjody@yahoo.com }
May, though, also makes me think of the Coble family. They lost 3 of their children in a truck accident last year (on May 4th, I believe). I have prayed for them and thought of them so many times throughout the year. As a mother who has lost a child though, I know that this month will be very difficult for them and the memories and pain will be very real. I know they were also expecting triplets and have never heard an update on how that pregnancy has progressed, but I know too, that it must bring mixed and overwhelming emotions sometimes.
So, if you think of their family, I invite you to pray for them.
I know if it was me, I would appreciate all the love and support I could get- even from strangers.
May you have a blessed and wonderful spring, with many things to be thankful for each day.
Edited to include this link from one of my readers here...thank you.
What amazing timing too...no wonder they were on my heart. I send my best to Lori, Chris and their babies.

A beautiful faith...

My own faith has been strengthened and encouraged the past few weeks as I've been following the story of a family who is facing unknowns in the pregnancy of their baby girl, Audrey. I invite you to read back through some of Angie's posts and see the amazing presence and spirit of God in her life. Even in the midst of a 'storm'.
I hope that many of you will pray for her, baby Audrey and the rest of her family as they surrendar this time in their lives to God and wait for His will to be done.
I have been blessed by the music of Selah for years now. It is touching to be able to pray and give back some of the blessing I have received from Todd's music. I hope you will be touched as well.

Follow that star~

This is a star ornament that I made after seeing some pretty glitter stars over at Martha Stewart...the directions and samples are here. The center and sequin loop to hang this star are fashioned from the embellishments that come in the SIS ZingBoom kit here. Very unique... I still need to get out and buy some glitter- there are so many projects to do with glitter and it just adds that sparkle and shine and little bit of 'oomph' that I like in crafts this time of year.
Now for my mini~sermon- because I just can't help but think and reflect this time of year, especially when I sit and make things like star ornaments. My kids have been singing and signing about the star over Bethlehem and so I have done some reading and thinking about the star and it made me wonder about some things. These thoughts are for me...but I know some of you get a kick out of what I think about sometimes- so that's why I share them here.
The angels announced the Savior's birth out in the middle of a field one night over 2000 years ago and told the shepherds that they should follow the star that shone brightly in the sky that night.
Now, I believe that the "Christmas story" happened- that it is true and not just a feel-good story to read and listen to and sing about in carols to warm our hearts this time of year. But sometimes I think it loses it's meaning and significance and I don't pause long and hard enough to reflect on the impact of this story in my life. I have often wondered about what it was like to be Mary and Jospeh. I have tried to put myself in their sandals and imagine what they were thinking and feeling as they traveled the long road to Bethlehem only to find there was no place to stay and how hard it must have been for them to 'keep their faith' that this was somehow all a part of God's plan for the birth of His Son.
I know that God was with them and that the peace and assurance He filled their hearts with was enough to make them do exactly as they were led- but still, it must have been hard to not question the circumstances.
I can just imagine me in similar circumstances. I would probably have griped and complained most of the way to Bethlehem and Chip would have been leading the donkey saying in his mind, "God, how could you have picked me for this woman?". He would have questioned his role in this plan, and then I can just see us stepping up to the counter at the inn and hearing the words, "there's no room here for you" after all those miles and I think I would have snapped and lost my patience right about then. I would have said, "Wait. You can't possibly understand or even want to believe what I am about to tell you, but the truth is, I am about to deliver the Savior- the Christ child. Certainly God prepared a nice warm room for me and my not-yet-husband, Joseph, where we will settle in and have an amazing birth experience. Now...maybe you should just check which room is waiting and ready for us."
That would have been me. In my nice tone. =)
But it didn't happen that way. Even though God could have blinked or said the word and the poshest hotel room could have been willed into being right then and there in that little town of Bethlehem.
No.
God's son was born in a cold, dusty stable. By His choice. He sent angels to earth to announce the babe's arrival. He sent them to some lowly shepherds out in a field in the middle of nowhere. And that is what grabs me in a new way this year. He sent angels to tell shepherds this good news. He put a special star in the sky and simply invited the shepherds to be a part of this miracle- but it was their decision to follow the star and become a part of this amazing 'story'- this miracle that changed the destiny of the lives of many.
I imagine the trembling shepherds and know that they must have been thinking they were crazy, or about to be killed or that they should just pretend none of it happened. I suppose they wondered for a few minutes, 'what should we do now?'...but their hearts had been moved and they could see the bright star, so it would have been almost an easy decision to follow the star to the babe in Bethlehem.
It makes me wonder why so many of us miss the 'heart of the message of Christmas', which I believe is simply wrapped up in the word, "Immanuel" which means "God with us". God sent His son to be Love for us, to be "Him" to us- a visual, tangible, living, breathing, walking, talking, healing Prince of Peace to a broken and needy world. The world has needed a Savior since Adam and Eve first broke the relationship between God and man. We needed someone to restore this relationship from the beginning of time, and God had a plan that He only He could put in place to make things 'right' again. This plan meant that God would 'put on human flesh' and live among us in order to 'become one of us- only spotless and blameless' that ultimatley ended in His sacrifice and death on a cross. Three days later when Christ arose victorious over death, it made a 'new way' for us to have restoration with God. We now simply have to believe that Jesus is God's son and that He died for our sin in order for us to live as 'new creations'- forgiven and free- that when we die we can stand blameless before God and worship Him for all eternity!
What an amazing story that is so easily overshadowed these days with the glitz and glam of lights and trees and presents and cookies and things that are so trivial in comparison to what God had planned all along.
Back to the star...I was thinking about all the 'commercialism' of this Christmas season in our society today and it makes me stop and think. Not just a little bit out of sadness that the 'real message' is so distorted and hidden in the festivities, but it made me stop and wonder if I would have seen the star on the hillside with the shepherds that day, and how God wants us to 'see Him' no matter where we are in our lives- even 2000+ years later.
I wonder if God were to hang a 'sign'- a star in the sky this Christmas- would I 'see it'? Would I be too busy to notice a star in the sky or to hear the message of His birth? Would I believe that He is who He says He is...or would I pretend that my 'inn was full' or that the angels' chorus was just a dream or part of my imagination? Would I tune out what the world wants me to believe- the idea that you have to be able to touch something and 'prove something' before you just accept it as truth? Yes. The star makes me wonder. Some of you may wonder what is true about Christmas and what one can really believe.
I thank God that my heart doesn't question, it doesn't resist, it doesn't fear. I thank God that His peace and His assurance fills me. Not just at Christmas. But all the year through. It's my wish for everyone to have this same Peace and Hope in life. I hope that those of you who are seeking and questioning and wondering will 'see' that God is who He is. And He is with us- not just back then in the form of a babe, but His spirit is alive and moves in those who accept Him into their hearts and lives. No matter where we are or how broken we may be. God's plan to restore us to Him includes one and all. May you be blessed to know Him and claim Him as yours this Christmas and for the rest of your life.

Her 'highs' are higher...

This is Wyndham as she appeared yesterday in one of her proudest moments ever. I have to admit I was equally, if not more, proud of her myself. This series of pictures shows her sitting, climbing and sliding on the arm of our couch.

My other kids have done it more times than I can count. Yesterday Wyndham climbed up on there all by herself, and at first just held her hands up and wiggled her fingers; she could see them in a mirror on the opposite wall of the room. She was fairly happy with that, and it was her laughter that drew me into the room in the first place. I was totally caught off-guard when I looked up and saw where she was and what she was laughing about- I never would have guessed she would be up to such antics.

My other kids are told to get "down from there" when I find them on the arms of the couches/chairs. But yesterday, for this moment, I just had to grab my camera. By the time I got back to take pictures, Wyndham was no longer just sitting and wiggling her fingers in the air at her reflection in the mirror, but she had {almost} held her breath and mustered enough courage and she was 'sliding down' onto two pillows and onto the couch cushion. It's about an 18 inch 'drop' to the seat...but her shrieks of laughter made it seem as though she was riding the world's biggest roller coaster! She was laughing so hard when she 'landed' that she had to stop and breathe 'on purpose'. It was literally magic to me to watch it all unfold.

She finally stopped laughing and turned and in a serious manner climbed back up onto the arm of the couch. It took some effort on her part. She sat there and bounced and then her laughter started to return and then after a couple of minutes she slid down onto the seat cushion once again. Her mood went from one of almost panic/fear to one of the most pure kinds of laughter that there is each time she climbed back up and slid back down.

I think she did it 7 or 8 times total. It was one of her shining moments in life; I must say.

Some of you are new readers, some of you just don't know the 'whole' story as I don't go into extensive details in regards to Wyndham's condition, but it is really the heart of the matter here today. It's hard to summarize her life in a single blogpost, but I'll try to at least bring some of you up to speed. At the time of our incident, Wyndham was just under 7 months old and she received a closed-head injury. (She is 6 and 3/4 now.) She was not expected to survive those injuries, but she did. She has had ongoing issues with gross motor, muscle tone, speech/language development and physical growth and thus has been in rehab and therapy since we took her home from the hospital originally in August 2001. It has been a constant part of our lives- we have logged more hours in doctor appts., in ER's, and in therapy sessions than I could begin to count. At age 2 Wyndham weighed 14 pounds. She gets a shot for growth everyday and likely will get them for the rest of her life. She sat up around age 2 1/2. At age 4 and 3/4 Wyndham hit a major milestone and began to learn how to walk. She went to preschool for two years and attends kindergarten with a personal assistant this year- she's in a 'regular' class and doing very well.

She has caught up in growth quite a bit in the past 2 years and 'looks like' a normal kid in class now. She comprehends fairly close to her age appropriate level. Meaning, when you tell her to do something, or when you ask her if she wants milk or juice, she understands. She can change the channel on tv and start a dvd if she wants. She can open the fridge door and she has likes and dislikes {her favorite color is orange}. =) In many ways she seems very 'normal'.

But on the otherhand, she has challenges in her life that other kids her age have never had to or ever will face. Things like aversions to certain textures or noises...things that make her feel 'threatened'- especially in new/different environments. We're still in the process of getting her potty-trained. Her greatest challenge at this point is her ability to speak.

While her comprehension is very good, her speech development presents at a 6 month old level right now. Although she has said a few words, that's just where she falls in the language assesment. She has gotten much more vocal and 'verbal' in the past few years, and she has been learning sign language as her means of communication. It has been something where we're not doing a formal program, but instead just learning signs that help her to make choices and give her the ability to express herself a little bit and also for the rest of us to be able to put words to the 'world around us'...like colors and animals and foods and the alphabet. That sort of thing. She has done really well with learning signs, but still, because of the type of brain trauma she received, her challenge is using them on her own. She makes progress each and every week, and has in the last year grown a lot with her ability to show you what she wants and to initiate signs or point to something she wants instead of always just waiting for us to ask her. We are waiting for a communication device which we are excited about. The hope is that it will give 'her a voice' and open up the communication both ways- especially when she is around people who don't know sign language.

I had gotten some emails and comments recently about Wyndham, and after this big event yesterday, of climbing on the couch and sliding down and the fun she had in that moment, I just felt it was the perfect time to let you into her 'world' a little bit more.

I never imagined my life with some of the challenges and issues we have gone through and continue to face each day, but I have to say that it has probably been one of the best things to happen in my life. Not that we have had to deal with pain and injuries and trauma, but for the fact that it put life in a new perspective for me. It has made be more patient and strong at the same time. It has shown me that there is SO much blessing in life when we just stop and pay attention.

My life was fairly easy and was whizzing by me in a blur before Teagan died. Now the little stuff has become some of the greatest highlights to date. I wrote in a journal shortly after our trauma that "life would forever be tainted for me"...no matter how great the day went. I just couldn't imagine seeing beauty or happiness ever again, without having tears and heartache rushing to the forefront of my mind because of Teagan's death and all that we would face in life as a result- most of the challenges would be physical and emotional injuries and scars.

But because of Wyndham and the triumphs she has made, I can honestly say that I no longer believe the words I wrote. Life can be and IS beautiful and graced with blessing and happiness even along the long, broken road that our family is on. I am amazed to have a 'front seat' at some of these events. I cooked dinner last night with a knot in my throat, not because this amazing moment was somehow 'tainted' by our tragedy...but rather because it would have been practically meaningless without it.

Teagan is my angel in Heaven as I go about my days...somewhere her spirit soars. But I have realized many times now, that Wyndham is equally an angel in my life...and her spirit soars too.

Music to my ears...

We had our regular school day today...PE, special art project, snack time, phonics lesson, pizza for lunch, recess, more seatwork and then finally time to head home. A long week when you have full-day kindergarten for three days and rehab/therapy sessions on the remaining days. We came home for snack and rest time. Then played outside (mid 80's today!), dinner, more playtime and then baths.

I wrapped Wyndham in a towel and sat her up on the counter so we could smile at ourselves in the mirror and brush teeth. She was glowing...we rubbed noses and signed 'I love you' and laughed at ourselves in the mirror another time or two.

Then I mouthed the word 'momma' and asked her to "use your words...say 'momma' ", I said. She smiled at me and said, "momma". Clear as day. My heart leaped...I was grinning and signing happy! "You just said 'momma' Wyndham! You did it!", I exclaimed, "say it again"! She smiled back at me and said in a more quiet, higher tone, "momma". This time I held back the tears. My heart was in my throat...and it felt amazing. So I pushed it and said, "Wyndham, you just said 'momma' with your words. I am so proud of you! Can you say 'momma' one more time?" and I signed the word "more".

She said "momma" three times in a row tonight. I may never hear it again...or maybe not for months...or maybe I will hear it tomorrow. I don't know...and I don't know who was happier to hear it- me or her. =)

Another ordinary day turned extraordinary. Just the way I like our days to go around here. The simplest things make all the difference in the world.

My head is spinning...

By Friday afternoon, after going to kindergarten field trips, lunches, recess hours, helping with special art projects and then teaching my yearbook classes...it makes my head spin and I am ready for a nap.
What really happens though, is my head keeps spinning- thinking and planning out all the activities that I have to add to my 'to do' list, or simply trying to figure out how I can get everything done that I need/want to do. Then when I realize it's too much, I blog or do things not on my lists. =) So tomorrow I will be hanging out and scrapping and just having a great time with my SISter friends- new and 'old'. Nothing like taking one's mind off the tasks at hand in order to be renewed. That is my hope anyway. =)
The pictures here are just a few recent ones that have been ready to be blogged, but just didn't get posted. (Oops! I just noticed a couple of them have been posted already. See what I mean? I need a nap on Fridays!) Someone recently asked about my camera and my photography skills. I do not consider myself a good photographer. I take 1000's of lousy, blurry photos. I get a few good ones from time to time. Those photos I then play around with in a photo editing program...and sometimes they look better when I'm done with them. That's my secret. =) I have a Sony CyberShot DSC-R1. It is a 10.3 megapixel camera with a Carl Zeiss lens. I love it- even though I don't know how to properly use all the settings. I am learning as I go {slowly. Reading the manual would help, I know...you'd think since I'm a teacher now I would do stuff like "read the book"...but I haven't. You'd also think I would use proper grammer and sentence structure...but I don't. I like doing things my way. See previous post if you haven't already...it will shed some light on why I dont' read camera manuals.}
The first two pictures here I was fairly proud of- not just for the fact that my girls are looking at me, but because I didn't have to edit them much to get these results. The picture of all three of my girls together I posted for my friends and family. I know it would have melted some of their hearts to see my girls holding hands walking down the street together. Not too long ago, this picture was simply a "dream". It still makes my head spin to see Wyndham walking and keeping up with her sisters and classmates. She is adapting so well to school that really, despite the fact that I'm not the most 'comfortable' in classroom settings- especially those with small children- I can't help but be thrilled to be in Wyndham's room watching her learn and thrive. It's my daily witness to a miracle. I personally think miracles should really make everyones' heads spin. To me, they just never get old. =)
Here's wishing each of you the eyes to see and the ability to appreciate miracles in the world around you. Have a great weekend!