Time to Think...

When the dynamics of your existence change so drastically it takes you a while to regroup...I am talking mentally, emotionally....everything! The way in which you process things changes...the way in which you react to situations changes....another words, although the core of me is still me....It just is starting to look vastly different than it did for many years...truth be known the "me" I am referring to was caged deep down within the bleck outer shell of  me...the me that lived robotically...the me that only reacted...the me that flew by the seat of my pants emotionally and physically. This is perhaps too deep for my own fingers to convey...but hold on, I am mustering the mental strength to put it into words..for no one else but  me basically. Let's take LOVE for instance....(never knew this blog would reference this so much but cripes when your left standing with the hideous badge of divorce from a person that consumed half of your adult life it's hard to overlook "love" and the deeper meaning that God wanted us to attempt to grasp . )
Finding a deeper level of connection with a certain man has taught me that I was often completely clueless in the past. I am thinking I should have allowed my eyelashes to bat in the direction of a different type of man about 20 years ago...but really, was it him? or painstakingly obvious it was me too...or the combination of the two.
It’s funny when you start a relationship based on mutual attraction and not on some premise of friendship. At least in my world. The boundary lines are more clearly drawn or, better yet, they don’t exist at all. Suddenly, I was in a place where I didn’t have to worry about competing with the prettier girl at work or the more amazing woman on the block or the facade of a woman on the TV or computer. . Sure, I tried to invent an imaginary arch nemesis, but it was clear that despite my attempts to have a rival, there was none to be found. It was just me . It was clear that in these years of practicing unrequited love I was clueless how to "just be."
Years ago this would have seemed so alien to me. How can one have a relationship without that underlying passion that grips you in the middle of the night that you may, in fact, lose that person? But now, what I know of love is much different. As a matter of fact, it seems I knew very little of love before. I used to place the term “passion” in places it didn’t belong. More than that, I couldn’t see that if it was just me with this passion, it probably wasn’t going to last. I can only sustain things for two people for so long.
I am not saying I have found that LOVE so please don't inbox me like mad...I am , lets just say, doing an extensive study on the subject. When I graduate I will let everyone know lol.
Issues in the past and the things that  happened to us over the past years have intensified those issues to some degree.  What they seem to have done is to bring out the side of me that gets insecure when instant reciprocation isn’t always available.To naturally assume I have failed again.   It seems that decades of unrequited love will do more than just spoil the taste of peanut butter…it will creep back up when you least expect it. When I plunge headfirst again in love I will have a clearer understanding that passion isn’t a fixed quantity for a relationship. It comes and goes with time and intervening events. It morphs and changes into new and exciting (and sometimes scary) forms. It surprises us. And, yes, sometimes it even alludes us. But I have to remind myself that I don’t always have to be competing anymore. Not every distraction is a sign of ultimate doom. Not every dry patch means The World is Ending. Believe me, when it comes to love, I will  have Chicken Little beat.
It seems as I get older  I realize that great passion doesn’t just exist when the possibility of losing someone lurks around every corner. That is a hellish way to live, And the fact that there may be times when youre  just hanging on without it doesn’t mean that there isn’t an underlying passion to your relationship. Let’s be honest, I will never be married to some romance novel cover guy with his hair whipping in the wind and his every word being about whisking me away to places unknown, quite honestly I would only enjoy that for about a minute then I would have to barf in my mouth . But that kind of passion isn’t just exhausting, it’s utterly unsustainable. But more than that, it also disguises where true passion really exists and makes us susceptible to living a solitary life working for our next fix. The next time I give this heart completely away it will be because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am with someone I want to be with and who wants to be with me. So simple...like pure vanilla. There is really no reason to substitute....I mean, why would you?
That, my friends, is passion. I hope one day I’m comfortable enough in it to lose those feelings of past inadequacies. I think I’m well on my way.