It's a Merry Christmas ....

Backing up a bit, we were burglarized November 30th. They took most all of our "valuables and what Christmas gifts I had already purchased. It was not a lot mind you ....I had just received my very first child support check and I did go shopping after Thanksgiving with that. ." I did not have renters insurance. Lesson learned, but the real lesson has been to never worry about things because God always takes care of us in the most loving and generous ways. He has put people in our lives that have come out of the woodwork to help us. My boys are having the most amazing Christmas.....it goes far beyond anything I could have provided for them in the first place! the best part is I have been able to give to others...truly help others have a great Christmas! It is so wonderful because it seems with each purchase or just when I think..that is it, I have done all I can do...I go to the mailbox or get a phone call and there is more coming our way. I am not bragging...please don't think I am bragging...I am just so humbled at Gods love and care. The details of His provision for us is unmistakeably personal. He love us and for some reason right now at this point in my life He is seeing fit to let me be loved on. I truly thank Him for that. My heart has been through so much...and I think it is finding reasons to look at life with breathless anticipation instead of fear of worry that so often crept in....I believe He will find ways to bring more peace into our lives...and although this divorce has been the most painful experience of my life aside from losing two children...it has taught me that God cares...he truly cares. He has enabled us to have a nice life here apart from my ex. He has enabled me to give my boys a home that they love and are proud of ....they never cease to sigh a big old sigh of relief when they return...and say lovingly....."home sweet apartment." I cannot tell you how good that makes me feel. One day my oldest came in and to my youngest he said...isn't it cool how no matter where you go or how big someone elses house is or how nice it is there is no place that feels as comfy or wonderful as home.
I love Christmas, I love we get to celebrate the birth of my Savior....I love that my boys are witnessing the Christmas spirit first hand and are enjoying the giving aspect as well. I love my life...and although the depths of my heart longs for that "special" person to ultimately share each and every day with me...I am content knowing that God has that in His plan as well, and I have learned the hard way that anything outside of His plan is simply not worth trying for!

Happy Thanksgiving!

It has been too long since I have posted here....what can I say I get so distracted with life...and I really have been addicted to Pinterest!

I love this time of year! Tonight we decorate the Christmas tree...and begin some of the meal preparation for tomorrows feast! My family of 3 together....thought about inviting the ex to eat with us but truly that felt just wrong....it isn't the way our life is....it is fake...it isn't joined on any level except for the kids and truly it puts me in such a funk being around him it just isn't worth it...or fair. I wanna be home with my boys and feel like its home...funny how a person can make you feel out of sorts...no thanks. I wanna be with my boys...and feel the love between us. Going to my good friends later that afternoon after making a pit stop to deliver a meal to someone who didn't have a place to go...they didn't really want the place to go persay, but welcomed the meal. :) Please Lord always show me where to serve you, the little places we overlook...the small gestures we forget to make. Lord keep my eyes and heart open.

I miss Him....for circumstances beyone my control we aren't right now...maybe never again. It is a massive hole in my heart and life right now....but I am in a good place. Counseling is my new lifeline....and although that process is crazy painful, it is all for the good. I am a trooper for once in my life. I am proud to say I am hanging in there.

soooo....I have a goal...I set a crazy goal for myself this morning. March is the deadline....well, not to divulge too much right now, but I am going to be seriously pushing to make this happen. I need to push myself...it has been way to long to feel driven towards something. The rewards will be massive. I can do it. I am strong, able, smart, deserving and finding that I love me enough to get the whip out .

A New Face...

 This morning I was thinking of my journey as a single person in blocks of time. I am well into my 3rd year. (no I am still not divorced officially I do despise the state of TN and anyone in the legal field)The first year of my "divorce" where I moved out....I went crazy...I was fearful of "being alone" so I would stay sooo busy...I had a friend who liked "going out" and I use the term "friend" loosely...(hard lessons learned about user/narcissistic friends) Long story short it got old...it got old fast. I was avoiding facing the pain....and thinking about him. Eventually I hit a wall. Reality hits....fear, remorse, regret, sadness, loneliness, realization that I did love this man with everything in me but then again was that ever in question?   yadayadayada.
Year 2.....try to fit into His life again....yikes what was I thinking? It was broke before and he hadn't had any heart changes...in fact he was anti relational period and a colder than ice....with me anyway and I repeatedly felt he was "doing me a favor by "allowing" me to be in his bed or his presence. . Jeez did I really waste a year trying to convince myself and him that we were about to embark on our new beginning? Crazy delusional girl Jess....I still shake my head at you and deep down my heart sobs for that naive glimpse of "hope:" you tirelessly held on to.
Year 3....I let go of the desire to be so crazy social and out there, defiantly let go of "him" and the idea of any new beginnings as far as he and I were concerned. .....and got myself someone everyone needs in any often confused stupor....a great therapist! This is probably the single biggest gift I have ever gotten myself ....Period. The blackout shades in my bedroom are a close second.
Theres a wonderful man in my life....oh my . I won't elaborate too much but for 10 mos I have been on a long journey of getting to know another soul...its a really great thing when two people can connect and it be ok that no one is ready to go anywhere with it. Beautifully comforting. I know I want to get to know myself on a deeper level first before I decide anything about a relationship. For reasons I can't explain in full comfort here we won't be pursuing a "relationship" here but then again the friendship we have is pretty darn amazing and everything I never thought it could be. The reality isI need to know what it is about myself that allowed me to remain so paralyzed for so long.. I wannt glimpse the me that God intended me to be. Perhaps she is in there and I can dig her out. Well, not me all by myself...but me with help of my therapist...

Heart

I saw this recently. My first reaction to it was, "Yeah."Then I read it again and thought, "No."
I agree that I cannot keep carving out space in my day to day life for people who make no effort to be in it. But kick them out of my heart? No way.
I may try to put someone out of my thoughts at times, which is easier said than done;
stop reserving so much space in my HEAD for trying to figure out why someone doesn't make any effort.
But my heart is another matter. I don't kick people out of their space in my heart.
Soft hearts have broken places in them that sometimes hurt.Trying to develop a heart with no empty, achy spots is not a good solution. In fact, it sounds to me like the beginnings of a hard heart.Something I never want. But I do intend to fill my LIFE with people who at least show some interest in being part of it!

Speed bumps??

I wasn't blessed with a speed bump on my tongue...and trust me I have overused that excuse! My new excuses involve this divorce...and how it has drug on for almost 3 years and yet I am still in the same old boat! UGH, I cannot describe my utter frustration...I'd give up but where would that get me?
Do you ever feel like if you don’t talk about your frustrations, you just might explode? Have you every unloaded a laundry list of annoyances on someone and wrapped it up by saying “Sorry . . . I just needed to vent.”Been there. Done that.
It’s a widespread belief that every once in a while we all need to blow off steam and that holding anger in is dangerous. But researchers have actually discovered that while venting may make you feel better temporarily it actually increases aggressive behavior later on. Simply put, venting is not an effective way of controlling your anger.
Maybe that’s why Jesus gave us this warning:
“But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken” (Matthew 12:36).
Whoa! Not a lot of room for rantings there. Jesus said we will give an account for every fruitless word we ever speak. That includes when we spout off every angry feeling in the name of venting.
That’s not the only warning Scripture gives on this subject.
Proverbs 29:11 says, “Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.”
In other words, spewing at the mouth simply isn’t smart.
This doesn’t just apply to the actual words that we speak. Have you ever hammered out a Facebook status in a fit of rage, hit “Send” on an email that you typed to get your frustrations out, or sent a text when you were really mad and needing to blow of steam? Me too. I believe we will give account for those empty words too and the fallout caused by digital venting is enough to prove that spewing is foolish. Uh oh...I am in so much trouble!
I want to do better about putting the brakes on my tongue when I have the temptation to vent, don’t you? I’m wondering what’s a better way to manage my feelings when I feel like I’m about to blow? I really gotta come up with a plan here....ideas? No offense but "just pray" and "read the bible" doesn't quite cut it for me in the middle of a rant urge....

Pin, Pin, Pinterest!

Oh how I love Pinterest! The ideas are endless...and for someone with ADD of the mind it is a virtual playground of neverending wants, ideas, to do lists, images and know hows all wrapped up in one website! You can be inspired, be lazy, be creative, take ideas from others, plan your events, your meals, your vacations,  your home decor, your fall wardrobe, your wish lists, your parties, your exercise routine....whew it is exausting but goodness gracious it is a good thing! It hasn't all been in vain, I have actually decorated a bit for fall....decided on some homemade christmas gifts to create, made some new recipes for my lil family of three. Keep pinning people, for those in life like me who is limited on what of the world they actually see it is a beautiful thing!

Observing....me

Recently I began counseling...it was a torrid mix of knowing I needed to start, and a fear of starting. Dreading the process....and fearing what I may discover about myself. I knew that something would eventually need to give way inside myself....find my truth.
I am happy that I have started....and that I lived through the first session....I have had several other sessions and I actually look forward to them. I am learning about the comforters I have had ever present in my life...they have worn them selves out protecting me from feeling things that I was in no way ready to feel. I let them know they are still welcome....just will slowly but surely minimize the job they ultimately feel they need to accomplish. In lessening their grip on me....I am clearer headed....and with a clear head brings realities, realizations, memories....not crashing like an avalanche...slow and steady trickles of things to ponder, recall and process in my mind. I realized that I have selected amnesia....or my brain has locked doors....I recall very little in my marriage....when I look at the grand scope of time together...I actually recall very little moments. Now moments with my kids? I have sooo many of those memorized !
I may eventually create a new blog....specific for this process but today I am just rambling about where I am, here today...this rainy Friday.

I missed saying my thanks last week! It has been a blur lately...kids back in school is truly kicking my tail! I miss staying up later and sleeping in an extra hour like we did in the summer :(

Today I am thankful for modern medicine, my church, my bath and body works lipgloss, flip flops, dear friends, the laughter my kids bring me daily, the blessing of being a mom, dearest friends whom I can be myself with,daydreams and soft cotton sheets.

Time to Think...

When the dynamics of your existence change so drastically it takes you a while to regroup...I am talking mentally, emotionally....everything! The way in which you process things changes...the way in which you react to situations changes....another words, although the core of me is still me....It just is starting to look vastly different than it did for many years...truth be known the "me" I am referring to was caged deep down within the bleck outer shell of  me...the me that lived robotically...the me that only reacted...the me that flew by the seat of my pants emotionally and physically. This is perhaps too deep for my own fingers to convey...but hold on, I am mustering the mental strength to put it into words..for no one else but  me basically. Let's take LOVE for instance....(never knew this blog would reference this so much but cripes when your left standing with the hideous badge of divorce from a person that consumed half of your adult life it's hard to overlook "love" and the deeper meaning that God wanted us to attempt to grasp . )
Finding a deeper level of connection with a certain man has taught me that I was often completely clueless in the past. I am thinking I should have allowed my eyelashes to bat in the direction of a different type of man about 20 years ago...but really, was it him? or painstakingly obvious it was me too...or the combination of the two.
It’s funny when you start a relationship based on mutual attraction and not on some premise of friendship. At least in my world. The boundary lines are more clearly drawn or, better yet, they don’t exist at all. Suddenly, I was in a place where I didn’t have to worry about competing with the prettier girl at work or the more amazing woman on the block or the facade of a woman on the TV or computer. . Sure, I tried to invent an imaginary arch nemesis, but it was clear that despite my attempts to have a rival, there was none to be found. It was just me . It was clear that in these years of practicing unrequited love I was clueless how to "just be."
Years ago this would have seemed so alien to me. How can one have a relationship without that underlying passion that grips you in the middle of the night that you may, in fact, lose that person? But now, what I know of love is much different. As a matter of fact, it seems I knew very little of love before. I used to place the term “passion” in places it didn’t belong. More than that, I couldn’t see that if it was just me with this passion, it probably wasn’t going to last. I can only sustain things for two people for so long.
I am not saying I have found that LOVE so please don't inbox me like mad...I am , lets just say, doing an extensive study on the subject. When I graduate I will let everyone know lol.
Issues in the past and the things that  happened to us over the past years have intensified those issues to some degree.  What they seem to have done is to bring out the side of me that gets insecure when instant reciprocation isn’t always available.To naturally assume I have failed again.   It seems that decades of unrequited love will do more than just spoil the taste of peanut butter…it will creep back up when you least expect it. When I plunge headfirst again in love I will have a clearer understanding that passion isn’t a fixed quantity for a relationship. It comes and goes with time and intervening events. It morphs and changes into new and exciting (and sometimes scary) forms. It surprises us. And, yes, sometimes it even alludes us. But I have to remind myself that I don’t always have to be competing anymore. Not every distraction is a sign of ultimate doom. Not every dry patch means The World is Ending. Believe me, when it comes to love, I will  have Chicken Little beat.
It seems as I get older  I realize that great passion doesn’t just exist when the possibility of losing someone lurks around every corner. That is a hellish way to live, And the fact that there may be times when youre  just hanging on without it doesn’t mean that there isn’t an underlying passion to your relationship. Let’s be honest, I will never be married to some romance novel cover guy with his hair whipping in the wind and his every word being about whisking me away to places unknown, quite honestly I would only enjoy that for about a minute then I would have to barf in my mouth . But that kind of passion isn’t just exhausting, it’s utterly unsustainable. But more than that, it also disguises where true passion really exists and makes us susceptible to living a solitary life working for our next fix. The next time I give this heart completely away it will be because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am with someone I want to be with and who wants to be with me. So simple...like pure vanilla. There is really no reason to substitute....I mean, why would you?
That, my friends, is passion. I hope one day I’m comfortable enough in it to lose those feelings of past inadequacies. I think I’m well on my way.

It's that time again! Today I am thankful for adoption, frozen yogurt, pretty shoes, changing seasons, my job (although I am seeking a better one) girlfriends that always inspire, google search, and the DVR which may be one of the greatest things ever in our world!