Bullseye On My Back???

Ever notice how so many TV commercials make men out to be helpless half-wits? I'm starting to think WIMMIN are believin' that stuff.

Deb hates to do the grocery shopping. She's a browser. I'm not. I have it down to a science. Takes me less than an hour to get a $200 order - & get home & put it away.

So I'm at the deli.... Here's THE DELI LADY....





Me - I'd like 1/2 a pound of Boar's Head Imported Swiss please.
Deli Lady - The Publix Brand is cheaper
Me - Thanks but I'll stick with Boar's Head
Deli Lady - Huffs & puffs & rolls her eyes like I'm an idiot - "It ain't my money"
I order 3 more items - each time she gives me an attitude & a speech about belt tightening & cutting out frills. People are starin' at me.
Deli Lady - There's really no difference between brands. You're just wasting money.
Me - (Now I'm annoyed) Lady ... My wife prefers Boar's Head. I don't even look at lunchmeat so I could care less. It's my money to waste - not yours. Just get the stuff sliced so I can get outta here.
Old guy waiting with his ticket starts to laugh. Deli Lady is fuming.
Me - (One more jab - commenting to the old guy) "Can you imagine that some moron acually married her... on purpose?
Deli Lady slams my lunch meat & cheese on the counter - Old guy laughs out loud.

Coupla hours later I decide to get a haircut. The barber that's never open, isn't open. I go to a joint next to Starbucks, all Wimmin hair cutters. Get in the chair.
Me - Yaknow, I think I want it short. How 'bout a flat top?
Lady - You're dreamin' - hair's too thin for that.
Me - Well aren't you diplomatic. Look at it as your biggest challenge of the day.
Lady - Least ya don't try the comb over thing like Donald Trump.
Me - It's thin - not gone! (True - it's thin, but the thinning hasn't progressed)
Lady - If you say so....
Me - Guess we'll see if you can do miracles so ya get a tip.
(She did a good job - gave her a $5 tip)

My dad taught me to cook.... which means I can't cook. Tonight we weren't in the mood for a big dinner - in or out. Deb decided she wanted chicken. I detest chicken so I said, "I'll make one of those frozen pizzas later."
Deb - I'll make it for you. (She's in another room adding pics to FaceBook)
Me - I can do it. How tough can it be to stick that in the oven? Do what yer doin'
Deb - Okay - Don't burn it.
Me - (sigh!)
So I read the directions, heat the oven to 475, pop it in & return to the book I'm reading.
Deb - Later... from the other room..... Is your pizza done?
Me - Nah... it's got about 5 minutes to go. Meanwhile I'm running to the kitchen knowing it's gotta be burnt. It is. Now I have a dilemma. I ain't admittin' to burnin' the pizza. I can't eat the whole thing & don't like 'em anyway. Frozen pizza with black cheese is even worse. So... I eat the pieces that are the most burnt... to hide the evidence. I choke some of it down, wrap up the rest & throw it out. Maybe Deb will think I was hungry after all & wolfed it down. All is good. I'm in the clear.
Deb - Half an hour later - How was the burnt pizza?
Me - Whaddya mean?
Deb - (Laughing) I smelled it burning, that's why I yelled out to ya.
Me - Wasn't burnt THAT bad.
Deb - Was the cheese black?
Me - Yeah. Guess some of it was. Maybe just a little.
Deb - Yeah....right.... just a little.




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Why Do They Charge More For

Deb had her hair done today.... (Looks fabulous hon - really) but, I don't get the whole cost thing. Understand, I'm not complaining. She didn't buy "hair products" this time. Hint: Good ol' shampoo & conditioner is usually what - $6 or $8? Hair "products" are apparently up there in car payment range - so I need to feel grateful..... I guess.

There are always STORIES after the salon visit. ALWAYS. We were in Chicago for several weeks - too long to go without the hair 'being done'. Naturally, SARAH, Deb's stylist, had awful things (cat sounds in background) to say about the Chicago cut & color & this n' that and suggested - "You should have flown back here to get it done right, instead of getting it all screwed up like this - I would have fit you in." HELLOOOOOOO...... The airfare alone was almost $700 round trip for one person Sarah Scissorhands. What do I look like John Edwards? (I have no idea what was so AWFUL about it, but, hey, what do I know.)

Over dinner we debated (in good fun) the ridiculous cost of hair care for women. My point was, yes I know they have overhead & everyone needs to make a living but..... I pay less every month for the lawn folks & they cut, edge, weed-whack, rake/sweep & THEY do it every week using 3 men (not just 1 lady once a month) & they fertilize every 3 or 4 weeks. We're also comparing a decent sized lawn area to .... a head. Ok, I'll concede - they don't make riding clippers.

Next month maybe Sarah from Panache' will cut our grass & the dudes from The Lawn Ranger will take care Deb's hair.... Easy on the weedkiller guys.

Location - Location - Location

I don't like doughnuts - at all, but most of the cops I've met have been pretty decent. Of course, I've never had to wear a pair of those bracelets they carry or do the frog walk either.

When we bought our house, we narrowed the choices down, sort of, to 2. The first was on the island (Anastasia Island - also part of St Augustine), the other a mile inland. The price was the same - to the penny. The cost for flood insurance, for the one on the island, was about $7k per year. The one we chose? - wasn't required.

We bought our house the day it went on the market (after looking at the one on the island the same morning). The first set of sellers were willing to negotiate, so I was in the deal making frame of mind when we walked into the 2nd one. The realtor proceeded inside ahead of us, followed by Deb (my wife). Deb got to the foyer while I was still entering & announced "SOLD" - Totally negated my brilliant negotiating skills. That's OK - The location is great & I'm more than 20 grand to the good on insurance savings. Besides, there's not a doughnut shop anywhere within miles.

My Therapy

My daytime career is fun, demanding, self-satisfying, stressful, hilarious, aggravating, plenty of freedom, tightly scheduled, big bucks, tough budgets, way up, way down, spectacular, frustrating. It's a roller-coaster & I've been on that ride for 30 years as of this month - 41 if you count the days when I worked for my dad (a builder) beginning at the ripe old age of 11. I love what I do but sometimes it's nice to get a break.



Sooooo, when I get stressed out - I go to therapy. (We can drive on our beach, which is pretty cool - I think.)




It's free, quiet, & relaxing, especially at the end of a long day on the roller coaster.

Chubby Hubby

Last week I was pulling some weeds in one of the beds & heard myself huffin' & puffin' - I'd only been working at it for 15 minutes. I stood & muttered aloud that "I feel like I'm in the worst shape of my whole life." Later I started complaining that my shirts felt tighter. Did they shrink?

God Bless my wonderful wife - she encourages, never nags or lectures me about my health or the need to exercise more & maybe lose a few pounds. She does a great job taking care of my sorry a$$.

I've been buried for a few weeks, & we've had lots of out of town company. Hey food is a social thing right? It's a comfort thing when dealing with stress - right?

So last night I went into a full blown panic. I went out to the garage to puff a stogie & watch something on TV. (Most of my TV watching takes place in the garage while I'm smokin'.) Normally I hit the switch on the garage door opener & waltz over to my work bench, flip on the idiot box, light up & park my rear end on a bar stool for a bit & chill out. Last night it was raining pretty hard & all kinds of frogs were jumping inside - little green thumb sized buggers. Now they don't bother me, actually they're pretty cool, but they end up dying & I have to go around collecting their little cadavers. I hit the remote & shut the garage door & went back to whatever I was watching.

Ten minutes later I'd had enough & headed into the house. I'm walking behind Deb's Durango & my gut is getting stuck between the SUV & the "hurricane rated" garage door. I was freakin' out & when my escape was complete I rushed inside & declared "That's It! I'm goin on a diet & I'm gettin' in better shape. Deb was pleased & I was pissed.

A couple hours passed & I decided to finish the stogie that was waiting patiently in the workbench ashtray & walked down the hallway to the garage. I was about to hit the open button for the garage door and let every frog in St Johns County join me for a few soothing puffs when I noticed that the front bumper of the Durango was nearly 2 feet away from the storage cabinets (the ones I usually bump). No wonder I couldn't fit between the car & the door! I think Deb parked that way on purpose.

Amazingly, I feel much thinner today. Think I'll go buy some Oreos.

No Rain Dances Please

I can't believe it's been 5 weeks since my last post. Well, there are a few good reasons (excuses) for this.

1st of all, I'm involved in a 'mission nearly impossible' kind of project. One with a ridiculous schedule & a contract that includes penalty clauses if deadlines aren't met - In the meantime, we've lost 14 out of 40 work days due to rain.

2nd - I spent a couple of days in the hospital in late July. I'm OK, don't remember the first day. Home in time for my birthday which everyone forgot - as usual (except for Deb). Why is that I wonder?

3rd - Polishing (again) a manuscript. It's amazing how there's always something to tweak, especially when trying to show rather than tell. I've been doing an exhaustive line by line word by word final critique with modifications.

4th - We're struggling through tropical storm Fay - & we have relatives from Pennsylvania visiting all week - they've been stuck indoors for a couple of days now. Started with a rainy day Tuesday. The TS hit St Augustine Wednesday - & stalled off the coast. Day 1 - about 12" of sideways rain in 9 hours. Day 2 it started to move a bit - 4" of rain. Day 3 - The back edge of the storm so we're going to get another 6" - to go with the high winds. The storm is slow moving so as it spins - we keep getting nailed over & over again. Lots of flooding, bridges closed, power outages, & nuts trying to surf.

Hopefully things will settle a bit in September - though I hear there's a good chance for a rather large hurricane in our not so distant future.

Newspaper Magnets

My oldest son Michael emailed me an article from his local paper in Pennsylvania today. I can't convert the file to post it here. His email topic was 'We always make the newspapers' & below that was a picture of my grandson Jack at some newly opened play-gym of some sort.

Mike is right - Our boys always made the papers - mostly for sports, not the police blotter. This one time they 'made the paper' was a biggie - pictures above. It's from the Philadelphia Daily News, opening day for the Phillies in 2000 & there were fights & all kinds of nonsense going on in the stands that led to several arrests. The picture shows the infamous 700 level at the old Vet Stadium where this took place. My kids didn't join in the fisticuffs or bottle tossing, thankfully.

I always bought the Daily News in the morning along with a large coffee (& cigarettes - but I've quit them). What I immediately noticed, when I scanned the headlines, were my sons smack dab in the middle of the front page. NO I did not have coffee gushing from my nose!!!

The younger one (Chris, on the left) is pouring beer for the older one (Mike in my blue jacket on the right). Christopher was born in 1980, in other words, too young to buy beer legally. Nabbed again.

It's always been a source of annoyance for Mike that little bro' (4 years younger) looks older. It seems Mike (born in '76) forgot his ID that night & couldn't purchase alcohol. No problemo, lil' brother bought the beer. He didn't even get 'carded'.

We laugh about stuff like this now, but it wasn't amusing at the time. We were never dumb enough to say 'Not Our Kids' & we didn't (& don't) condone underage drinking.

The joy of parenthood. We survived it.

I had to add to this post - if I can stop laughing long enough... Deb just told me this a few minutes ago. Mike & Chris went to the Phillies game this past Saturday. They took Jack along - his first big league game! Mike (now 31) had to show ID to buy a beer - little brother Chris - didn't. Some things never change.

The Tree Out 'BACK'

I haven't posted anything since last week. My back went out Thursday night, turning to get off of one of the bar stools in the kitchen. I've been in agony for 4 or 5 days. Sitting in one place - to write, read, drive, etc, makes the pain almost unbearable. (I'm typing as fast as I can tonight.) The doc has preached surgery & injections as potential remedies, as opposed to Vicodin, Naproxin & Skelaxin, but there's a family history (my dad broke his back twice) that makes me edgy about taking either of those routes. I'll be writing about my dad in the near future.

The tree in the picture is just inside the edge of 'the jungle' behind my back yard. It's got a cool branch running through the middle on a downward trajectory that looks like a snake slithering it's way to eat some poor, unsuspecting critter below. Deb took several pictures of it at dusk a year or so ago & every pic came out with some blurry images mixed into it - & she has great cameras. We showed them to the kids when they visited & it weirded them out. One of the 'orbs' had a face in the center. I'll try to retrieve it from Deb's files one of these days. What does that mean? I dunno. They say St Augustine is one of the most haunted places in the country. Far be it from me to dispute that.

The crooked branches sorta look like how my back has been feelin' - twisted, outta wack, & kinda brittle. Hopefully another couple days & I'll be back to normal. I have a meeting tomorrow so we'll see what 166 miles of driving does to me.

Well, better quit while I'm ahead - need my ice packs.....

Kid Stuff

They don't make sliding boards like they used to. The new ones at least seem to offer a challenge.

Remember the good old days? Before video games & couch potato activities. When I was a kid, if you were hangin' out in the house, you were given chores to do. I'd sleep in my clothes so I could roll outta bed before my parents could think up somethin' for me to do.

We lived in a small town. There was no playgound or rec center but we had 'the woods'. The woods had a creek & part of it was deep enough to use for a swimmin' hole with vines close enough to swing & drop between the rocks that surrounded it. I missed a few times but if you acted like you were hurt, you'd be called a sissy & one of the bigger kids would beat you up to "give ya somethin' to cry about".

In the winter we skated on the swimmin' hole. Naturally, being the type to always push my luck, I ventured too far & fell through the ice one day. Dropped to the bottom like a rock, completely underwater. I don't remember climbing out but I managed. What I do remember is walking home (on skates) like the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz. My clothes were frozen so I couldn't bend my knees or arms. I caught the devil because I forgot to bring my shoes home. Such sympathy.

One fall during a visit to my beloved woods, some nitwit (not me) decided to build a fire next to our fort. It burned out of control so we got to meet the fire fighters up close & personal. Unfortunately for me, I was wearing a new coat, one with fake lambs wool lining which the pyro neighbor kid used to try to beat the fire out. That faux lambs wool melts fast. For my parents, a new coat was a big ticket item, so I caught the devil again. The initial punishment was bad enough, but I ended up having to wear that 'stinkin' coat for the fall/winter season. I was a 9 year old that smelled like he had a 3 pack a day habit.

It's too bad we didn't have a playground.

Try Something New?

I'm not the most adventurous eater. We decided to try something different today. The lady at The Seafood Shoppe in St Augustine Beach recommended Trigger fish. (This place is terrific. They're always friendly, everything is spotless & their seafood is always fresh - usually caught that day.) The filet looked appealing. The whole fish - Yikes - one ugly bugger with a captal UG. We like seafood, better than the usual landlubber fare, but after seeing the whole fish displayed in ice, I had my doubts. We took a shot at it anyway, but bought some Mahi, just in case.

Riding home from the store we debated about what to have with the ugly, don't know how it will taste, fish & stopped at another store to get some fresh vegetables and Deb's 'Vitamin Water'. Deb is a fantastic cook. She can flat out make anything. There have been times where we have gone out to dinner, liked what was served & 2 weeks later she has duplicated it at home. Me, I can barely get by making grilled cheese.

The trick with fish is to have a side dish that is light, like the fish. Deb decided on a modified rice pilaf. Modified because she added red beans, fresh tomato, scallions, & seasonings - like cayenne pepper & garlic salt. The fish was baked, covered with a very light dose of grated Romano, garlic, topped with freshly sliced tomatoes & shaved hot chile peppers & some seasoning. Now this is where I would screw it up - I assumed dinner would take at least an hour or more to prepare. I'm not much use in the kitchen, though I do help out with the clean up regularly, so I moved out to the porch to resume my writing. (It's going well today.) After checking my email I was all set to return to my WIP when I was summoned to the kitchen. Everything was ready in 10 minutes! (How does she do that? It takes me that long to make a PBJ!)

Well, lemme tellya - it was awesome. The fish was perfect, nice texture & taste, pure white. The rice (not normally a favorite of mine) was another show stopper, just enough spice to give it an interesting bite. I'll admit it here - I'm spoiled.

They say that in the water a Trigger fish is quite beautiful. I find that hard to believe but, on my plate, it looked like the prettiest fish ever. Thanks Deb!

Keep This In Mind

Look at the picture closely - then read the caption. I'm not sure where I got this little tidbit, but it has to be one of my favorites.

It's been my experience that those trying to prove they've got it together (when they don't), usually blow it by opening their mouths.

It's always better to solve problems without trying to stand out. Low key is the way to go & it's more efficient. When you're running your mouth - you're not engaging your brain.