The Hot Dad Dream!!

Are ‘Dream Books’ full of shit? Are psychotherapists full of it? Does anyone REALLY know what the hell it means when you dream?

I have to say that I don’t dream to much, or rather, I don’t remember my dreams. But there are times, like last night, where I toss and turn all night or wake up sweating and pissed off. I guess the range of emotions does vary as I have woken up sad, excited, scared…and even quite hard.

That being said…I don’t really get dreams. I mean, if I dream about running someone over in my car…does that mean that I want to? Does it mean that I fear that? Does it mean that it will happen in my future? What about the sex dreams? The murder dreams? The torn apart family dreams? The dreams about defecating in public (not that I have had those) …just saying.

Some say that dreams are your uninhibited and raw personality. Some say that it is a glimpse of the future. Some say that they are your worst fears and best dreams being realized. Some even say that everything in your dreams stand for something else in your life. Like if I dream about peeing on the steps of a police station…that it could be seen as; me showering our protectors with gold and warmth. (what a crock!!)

I don’t know…Ass I mentioned earlier…I don’t remember many of my dreams, but when I do…or when I talk to family and friends who do dream a lot…it kind of scares me as to what it could mean.

Trust me…I have woken up to elbows to the ribs and bloody lips…due to what I did in SOMEONE else’s dreams.

Someone please help me to understand!!!!!!

What is a Hot Dad to do?? Another Update

Quick update kids!!!
Well...An update on the update on the post (??????)

So yesterday Mariah and I were volunteering at the middle school (where the girl goes to school) and We are there during lunch time. I usually start by walking around the yard to find out 13 year old…so that she can come say “hi” and then we can embarrass her a bit. After finding her and starting to head back to the table that we sit at…I caught a glimpse of something bursting through the clusters of teen eating their lunches. Then I heard my name being yelled. It was her. She was bolting straight for me with her arms stretched out, yelling that she needs a hug.

Instantly I flashed to my posts here and the feedback I had gotten, then I flashed to me being hauled off to jail…after the principal and other teachers see a man hugging a pubescent teen (who he is not related to) in the middle of the school yard…Then I just ran.

The girl cut off my angle and was right behind me in a flash. She reached out, still screaming for a hug, grabbed the back of my shirt collar and repeated, “I need a hug!” I ducked out of her hold and said, “No.” Then…to my amazement she toned it down and said, “OK…can I at least get a fist bump?”

I, smiling, turned and said, “of course!”

I gave her the fist bumped and then I scurried back to Mariah’s side. As I turned around to tell Mariah, I noticed that the girl vanished…just as quickly as she appeared.

All is good…I just can’t believe the size of this girls balls…and that she was not in the least embarrassed with her behavior in front of the entire 7th grade.

The Mind, Body and Shit

I think that the majority of you know how I sometimes throw out some major randomness and how speaking my mind is not something that I am worried about doing….so here goes another edition of TentCamper’s Random Thoughts.

I know that it is something that everyone has thought about and even most likely had in depth discussions about….Yawning.

How is yawning so contagious? Why isn’t sneezing, coughing or clearing your throat? It is only yawning. Why does the brain only fuck with us on the yawning thing? I mean, you can see someone across a room yawning and …there you go a big yawn and you are not even tired. It could be someone talking about yawning or yawning right next to you. Even someone writing about yawning can make our dumb-ass brains think that we need to yawn.

What is the point of a yawn anyway? Is there any medical or biological purpose for yawns…or was this our creator’s way of fucking with us?

(How many times did YOU yawn while reading that?)

What about sneezing? Why can’t we sneeze with our eyes open? In follow up…I kind of think that those folks out there with severe allergies, who sneeze a lot….maybe should not be allowed to drive during allergy season.

Lastly, why are women's boobs considered 'privates' and men's are not? I think that my nipples are bust as sensitive as a woman's. If the reasoning is that they are considered a sexual organ....what about mouths? Should we cover those too? Shit...even hands can be quite the sexual organ. I say that we all pe-TIT-ion to have the requirement for women to wear shirt lifted. Men and women....equal! (Fine....some women should remain clothed...but the same goes for men... I guess I think that it should be a person's personal choice.) Let's get this done people!

Why has nobody developed an in the bowl vent for toilets? (I claim this as my idea so back the F up!)

Many (if not most) bathrooms are equipped with exhaust fans in the ceiling. This is indeed a helpful product. BUT what it essentially does is take the looming odor, which is directly under you, and pull it straight up your body, across your face and then up to the vent. Why not have a vent built-in (or even an ‘aftermarket’ product) that would take the emissions from one’s stink pickle and whisk it away…BEFORE one has to hold their breath as the vapors cross the facial area?!

The Journey of Life

I know that I am only 41 and can in no way (unless from the mouth of a wisecracking teenager) be referred to as old. But the fact of the matter is that I am getting older and …it kind of scares me.

The journey from cute little awkward kid to handsome, philandering young adult, to Hot Dad has been quite a ride. Yes, I’ve gone though some rough patches and yes, I’ve wanted to hit the ‘rewind’ button a time or two, but now I find myself frantically searching for the ‘pause’ button…or at the very least life’s slow motion controls.

Though I am semi comforted by Mariah’s adoration of old men, I am still having a hard time with the impending transformation from Hot Dad to decrepit and wrinkly geezer sporting a broken hip and wearing Depends.

Though I am in relatively good shape, I still find myself waking up slower with joints that creak for the first hour or so (or until well lubricated with multiple cups of coffee) of each day. My bladder and bowel control’s ‘motherboard’ seems to be on the brink as I tend to spend about as much time in the can as I do parenting. My feet get cramped and achy when I am up and walking around too much and a cool breeze can stiffen my neck before I can even get the window closed. My back has both good and back days, but when I use it for much more than picking up a pile of dirty clothes….she kicks my ass for days on end.

Now Mariah keeps telling me that I just need to exercise more and that I will feel better when I get on a good workout regimen. I don’t know if she is just looking out for me…or if she is looking for me to buff up and uncover the buried six-pack that was once visible and give the arms and chest of a college athlete. Regardless…when I hear her, or anyone else say, “Working out will make you feel better.” All I know is that when I work out…all that happens is that I get tired, sore and cranky.

Well, Thursday morning I have a full physical and though I want to go, I’m a bit scared that I’ll get some bad news…or that things are going to have to drastically change in my life.

Getting old like this would not be so bad...Look at how HOT Mariah is.

Is it normal for me to be going through these thoughts at 41 freaking years old??????

Normal Childhood - Military Training

We gathered at the edge of the woods as the sounds of clanking dishes filled the air. Full from the dinners we had all just finished, we sat and waited for the last two members of our squad.

All dressed in our fatigues (or as close as we could get) we had our briefing. The seven of us agreed that minimal talking/noise …and of course only using our code names would be the only way to keep our top secret mission intact.

We spread out slightly as we entered the woods. For the next ten minutes all we could hear was the faint crackling of pine needles beneath out boots and a random twig snapping as we pushed our way through the trees to our hide-out.

The air was still, breezes blocked by the acres of pine trees on all sides. We entered our 2 story fort one at a time, without making a sound. Once we were all inside, we began planning our day’s activities. In low, but commanding, whispers we discussed the three traps we were going to set along the paths to our hideaway.

*We’d seen enough Vietnam and random other war movies to know the best ones to ensnare the mistaken or intentional intruders.

Over the next 5 hours all seven of us worked diligently to perfect our military works of art. We split up into 3 groups; Pain, Sniper and Grunt worked on the bungee pit, Hammer, Red and Cap worked on the spring snare while Gunny, Top, Nuke and Camo perfected the suspended log (or mace trap).

**I will not tell you which of the above my code name was.

We regrouped as it began to get late in the day and began rounds to check out all of the work that had been done. All of the traps were set…satisfied with our ingenious success, we all headed home for dinner.

Around 8PM, we got back together, armed with flashlights to inspect our newly crafted traps…and to make sure that they were still in place.

The bungee pit was the first that we got to. It was just fine…a 4 foot deep ditch, which spanned the width of the path, covered with branches, twigs and leaves – hiding the bounty of sharpened wooden spikes that were positioned at the bottom, awaiting their first prey.


The spring snare was next. It was set with a young white birch tree, pulled back with a very sensitive network of ropes, a large slip knot and trip wire. We had high hopes for this one. We tripped it a few times and were thoroughly impressed.


Lastly we came to the mace trap. This was the hardest to set as the log, suspended 20 feet in the air, had to have weighed at least 100 pounds. Held in place only by a small stick attached to the rope acting as the trip wire…this was a sensitive one and we were all very careful not to trip it by accident.


Stay tuned to the ending of this story…in my next post.

(until then...go read the first, second and third installments about my childhood)

English Sucks!!!

This subject makes me absolutely insane at times. Maybe it is my ‘fragile’ mental state …or maybe it is just my longing for simplicity…but what the fuck is up with the English language?

I could go on and on about words that make no sense to me and will most likely have a series of posts on the subject. The first in the series has to do with words such as;
Immature (not mature)
Impossible (not possible)
Inaccurate (not accurate)
Insecure (not secure)
Infertile (not fertile)
Unacceptable (not acceptable)
Unfair (not fair)
Nonsensical (not make sense)
Nonbeliever (not a believer)
Etc.

Can’t they just pick one prefix? I don’t get why there needs to be 4 prefixes that mean exactly the same thing.

How do you rationally explain to a child why these words are different?

Maybe I should just start using the one that makes most sense to me…”UN” and say shit like, “Don’t be so unmature. The reason that you are giving me for why you feel unsecure is unaccurate.”

GGGGRRRRRR………….
10 AM and now I feel like I need a drink.
Someone fix this stupid language!!!!!!!!

Kids, Immagination and Yoda

Am I the only one who thinks that imaginary friends are an odd fucking thing?

I have come to find out that I live in a house with 3 girls and 1 (really sexy) woman who all have or had imaginary friends.

We talked about it at dinner tonight and I could not be convinced that having imaginary friends was a normal, everyday thing. I was bombarded with fun little chatter about everyone’s ‘friends’…including the chickens that lived in one’s eyes…who even had a slide, the little boy Charlie who had to go everywhere with them and even had to have plates of food prepared and set out for him, the hand/finger elephant that would play for hours on end, and yes, the group of stuffed animals and dolls that were actually alive and talked…but only one person could hear them….

I proceeded to say that I never had an imaginary friend, played with dolls, talked to my hand or any stuffed creatures that resided in my room. Along with all of that…I do not recall any of my 5 brothers and sisters having any of the above either. The closest I think I came was pretending that I was Yoda and trying to move shit 'with the force.'

Their response…almost simultaneously was…”you are no fun…lighten up!”

Maybe my thoughts have something to do with my mother being a child psychotherapist…me majoring in psychology or the numerous movies and TV shows that I’ve seen where the kids with those imaginary friends pick up an axe or flame thrower…or some shit like that and kill everyone who can’t hear their friend.

Any of you have thoughts on this subject?

Snake heads, heifers, and Carnaval

I thought I'd share just a few recent bits of the evidence I've been gathering that humanity is locked in a permanent mortal struggle with the Terrorists of Nature:

---

Heifer Runs for Her Life, and It’s Working So Far

Someone needs to EAT this slaughterhouse-escaping upstart immediately, raw and mooing if necessary, if only to send a message to all the other cows out there that resistance is futile-- they exist only to feed us, and if God didn't want them grown and harvested like so many tomato plants, he wouldn't have made them so Him-damned delicious.

---

Snake head in TGIFriday's broccoli

Can't wait for the "I told you so" to come out from George H.W. Bush. He had solid intel back in the '80s that Iranian terrorists were laying the groundwork to begin very slowly violating our broccoli supply with hundreds of snake heads over the course of thousands of years and billions of tons of florets. So this one is logically just the tip of a terrifyingly gross iceberg.

I'll tell you, though, I would probably be able to handle this kind of broccoli violation if only those bastards would be gentlemen enough to use the heads of the rare but delicious Cheddar Cheese Snake.

---

Brazilians avoid deadly reptiles in fleeing floods

This is like God's worst, most desperate, Fox-game-show kind of trial. Unbelievably rapid, record-breaking floods rife with man-eating, poisonous, and painfully irritating/horrendously creepy animals?!

Is hosting Carnaval really worth all that?! ...I'm receiving word that yes, yes it is.

---

Posted by LiteralDan

Insane Love

As many of you know, San Adams is my all-time favorite beer…actually more of a love affair. (As seen Here and Here)

Anyway…I was on TweetDeck and decided to do a search for Sam Adams…to see if I was alone in my obsession.

HOLY SHIT!!!!! I am not alone…not the crazy bastard that I thought I was.

Below are about a dozen tweets that I pulled (as they came in):

wish I had some beer STOP complaining! BEER BEER YUMMY BEER! SAM ADAMS ALL THE WAY!

oooh I had some sam adams summer whilst in chi and it twas delightful.

currently drinking Sam Adams seasonal and watching the NBA. In theory running a training session

$2 pints at the fox & the hound. Sam Adams here I come!

Is it wrong to drink an ice cold Sam Adams Lager for your recovery drink after a 35 mile ride? You know what i don't really care. mmmmm yum!

Cold Sam Adams- Penguins in the finals- Life is good.

Enjoying a Sam Adams with my bride.

6 pieces of ravioli with tomato sauce and a sam adams cherry wheat ale

Sam Adams Summer Ale. Yes we are double wristing it.

Yankees. Red Sox. Sam Adams. It's all good!

Cracking a Sam Adams to go with my from-scratch clam chowdah. Wicked good.

Case of Sam Adams cherry wheat for the game. Slightly more excited for the beer.

Need me a Sam Adams.

Eating at a sports bar. Appetizer combo and a sam adams beer. Yum.

Does anyone know where in Kazoo to get Sam Adams Black Lager?

How bad is it to ditch the post-work run in favor of potato chips with Sam Adams? Probably pretty bad . . . crunch crunch crunch

So…if you have never tried Sam Adams…put down whatever it is that you are doing and go to the fucking store. It is worth it. My favorite is the regular Sam Adams Lager.

**To Any and all Sam Adams PR, Marketing, Operations, Management and Executives…PLEASE KNOW THAT I AM OPEN, READY AND WILLING TO CONDUCT TASTE TESTING, REVIEWS, COMMERCIALS, OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT YOUR HIENESS WOULD ASK OF ME.

end of the world or a new beginning?

At this point we have about the same number of Hot Dads (14) as we do Hot Mamas (11).

What would happen if we all lived on the same block?
I can imagine that the local police would have a special unit (no ladies…not THAT kind of unit) to keep us in control. The block parties would be insane. Taking turns breaking out the steaks for BBQing and ….shit…we’d have to have our own liquor store at the end of the block…to keep us nourished. I could picture…on any given night folks changing and ‘other stuff’ in front of open windows…just to give the rest of us something to watch (and blog about).

What would happen if life ‘jumbled us up’ and we were paired up as couples?
Could you picture…

cIII married to The Mom Jen or Tonya shacking up with Hubman?
Would the world be safe if Irish Gumbo and Redneck Mommy filled a school with little Irish Rednecks?

Picture Cameron and LiteralDan duking it out over wise young Petra.

I could see Always Home And Uncool, Trooper Thorn, Russ, Tenakim and our (Barefoot) Brittany all shacking up in some compound.

Would Daddy Geek Boy, Dadshouse or Coachdad be a better fit for Scary Mommy?

Close your eye and imagine the posts if Sage and Happy Hour Sue hooked up.

Then after ManicMariah, Sammanthia and Loralee hook up… Me (TentCamper), Halftime Lessons and Heinous will no doubt be arrested for stalking, and being peeping toms at their little love shack.

Shit….where did all of that come from?


and....thank you to all of the above for filling my head with these crazy-ass ...hot...thoughts!

Random Daily Thoughts

It scares the shit out of me when I find myself at the tail end of a drive that I do all the time and then realize that I can’t recall the last 10 minutes. What if I had a car full of kids, what if there was some maniac on the road? Is it auto-pilot?…a lapse of short term memory?...a brain fart?...Are you actually ‘there’ and on the ball…but just don’t remember? DAMN!!! That annoys the hell out of me.


The saying, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” gets me like a freaking hot knife…right through the fucking eyeball!

I understand its meaning and intention…But here is why I have ‘issues’ with it. To start with…I am a man. I read into things and then THAT becomes their factual meaning and intended purpose on this earth.

I am in the midst of a nasty divorce and do not get to see my two boys as much as I should. I am unemployed and we are scraping by. I am not able to provide for my family the way I’d like to. I smoke. I have a tendency to ‘have talks’ about every ounce of waste that comes out of my body. I am not married to the woman that I love….and the list goes on.

BUT…I am happy. I am with the woman that I love. I do get to see my boys. Mariah and her kids love me. We are not starving. We have the things that we need to survive. We have friends. We are healthy and we have an amazing extended family …….SO…one way to look at it…It ain’t broke.

Do I just scrap the whole, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it thing? I HAVE to find work. I NEED to finalize my divorce. I YEARN to be a bigger part in my boys’ lives. Etc.

SEE….That is what goes on in this ‘so called’ brain of mine.

Pimpin The Hand-Me-Downs

So, the other day, ManicMariah and I were in a random conversation about aging and getting older. I guess part of it stemmed from her being the caretaker for her grandmother…and having to feed her and change diapers and such. The other part most likely came from me bitching about getting older and acting like a little girl…complaining about my random aches and pains.

She then said that she thought that I’d be a really cute old man. I asked if she would lovingly change my diapers and feed me. Feed me…I got a yes…as for changing diapers, she responded with, “Hell no! I’ll hire some hottie to change your diapers and bathe you.”

Anyway…I guess that got me thinking. Seeing the nurses and elder care workers that come here and that I see around town…nobody has a Mariah by their side. All of them are late middle aged, overweight, unkempt, immigrants who couldn’t fit into a nurse’s outfit if they wanted to.

Here is my idea…..

Company name: Bedside Tail
The deal:
What would be a better fallback job for ‘past their prime’ porn actresses and stripers? Elderly Care. It is not like they have their medical degree to fall back on or a corporate job waiting.

I have witnessed elderly people refusing pills, baths, meals, etc. BUT…I can guarantee you that if I had some buxom (retired) porn actress showing me cleavage and glimpses of her crotch…I’d be all….”I’m ready when you are!!!!”

If I start marketing now and reaching out to porn agents and club owners…maybe they could start sending me their ‘hand-me-downs.’ I’d be like a pimp for elderly clients.

Damn…..the outfits I could have them wear….bathing techniques….’bedtime reading’…


OH….this could be fun!!!!

(Oh…wait…this is not real…SHIT!!!!!!!!!

Shoulda Called It MILFy Mamas

I had this whole post written…and it was good as shit (well, not that shit is good per say, but you know…the saying.) Anyway, my computer froze up and had to be restarted…Yeah…I lost what I wrote.

So here goes a second attempt.

In our search for new additions to the Hot Mama recipient list, we have found several mommies whose humor, honesty, writing style and MILF-iness has earned them the infamous Hot Mama Award from us over here at Hot Dads. (Also, ManicMariah did mention that she was a bit lonely and that she’d love the company of a few more Hot Mamas.)

So…..without further ado, I’d like to announce that…

Redneck Mommy
Tenakim – MY Therapy
Barefoot Foodie
Jennsylvania
Scary Mommy

…are the newest recipients of this coveted award.

Now, please grab the award icon, place it on your blog, remove your pants and climb up on the podium with the first and foremost Hot Mama…ManicMariah.

(You girls MUST behave up there... you have a lot of people looking up to you now and you want to set a good example...right? but if you don't...who is going to be taking pictures?

We will get you added to our Hot Mama list once you have added our award/link to your blog.

*PLEASE NOTE - this is an ongoing search for the hottest mommy bloggers out there. suggestions should be pointed out to us on a regular basis.

When 'Recall' does not work

Ever had a nasty email go to the wrong person? The one that it was about?
Well, that just happened to my ex...and it was sent to me.

Here goes!

First Email…to a friend of hers – but it got sent to me accidentally

Can you please hang out at the school, at pick up to make sure he's there on time to get J (7 yr old)? How much you wanna bet the a-hole won't spend the time with them alone and takes them to Santa Monica to be with the other trailer trash? Not that I should trust him to do homework with J(7 yr old)...he can't spell for shit anyway!

Thanks and see you tomorrow night.

My response…

I am not refusing to communicate...you have sent me 5 or 6 emails today and are trying to 'run' my visits. I will pick them up and then have them home by 7PM.

Secondly, this weekend we are going camping and the boys will not be able to go to the birthday or the play date. Please let your friends know. We are leaving on Saturday morning and will be back Sunday evening.

1st 3rd and 5th weekends and every Wednesday are my time with the boys and, unfortunately for you, I will be deciding what we are going to be doing. It is not your place to; tell me what I should/can do with them, tell the boys about events on my weekends (you should inform me) or expect that I report in to you on everything that we do. You leave town and don't tell me where you are going, what flights you are on....I have yet to receive any reports from either school or doctors about how things are going...who is not communicating?

And feel free to stop bad-mouthing me to the boy's friends' parents...I think that just makes things much harder with respect to me bringing them to parties/events for those families.

Her response…

And, you are showing my friends that you are an asshole but doing things like this. And they see what you write about me. I'm not making you look bad, you are making yourself look bad.

Then she had my 4 year old call me to say that he wanted to go to a party that she told him about. Then she got on the phone and yammered on until I had to hang up on her.

Then I got this…

Wow. You are an asshole.

I am not trying to run your visits. You know nothing about the boys' day to day routine because of your refusal to communicate, so I have to let you know about their routine. You don't care about their dietary needs / restrictions even though I have mentioned them to you in the past. You haven't even logged into the Our Family Wizard site in weeks...on which I outlined our trip to Disney and the details. There haven't been any school reports, but again, I put everything including emergency numbers, etc in the Our Family Wizard because I am doing my part.

E is one of J’s (7 yr old) BEST FRIENDS and you already said you'd bring them to her party. If have it in an email and you told E’s mom you'd let them come.
C was one of J (4 yr old) best friends and you are denying them the opportunity to see him on his first and likely only visit back for a long time. You are purposely denying them of important events because of vengeance and ego. I just told the boys that you said they can't go to the party or to see C because you are taking them camping, and they said then they don't want to go to your house this weekend. They can go camping anytime. These are people that are important to them...who are a part of their everyday lives. All of their friends will be at these events. And, E’s Mom is calling you because E’s best friend now won't be at her party and she is very upset.

CANNOT WAIT TO go to court on the 9th.

...oh wait...then I got this one

I wish you would think about your children. You said you'd talk to them about it tomorrow? To put the burden on a 4 and 7 year old and go back on your promises to them, as you admitted on the phone, is awful.
And, clearly you were drunk when I just spoke to you --- are all the children in your house asleep?
Again, I look forward to our trip to court on the 9th.

....shit....and then this one

Also – I have many emails in which I offered to switch the weekends with you – weeks ago – because of this weekend’s important events. And, you said you’d bring them to the party since you couldn’t switch and would let me know about the Sunday event with their friend who moved away.

I will make sure to bring those emails to court. You can go camping anytime, but instead are choosing to lash out at me via to the boys’ detriment. That is quite obvious.

WTF?

Insane Love

So, if any of you are as interested as I am in seeing where my traffic comes from and what keywords are used to find me…read on!

BedsideTales

SOURCES

Blogger
ManicMariah
Oneway Trip To Hell
Twitter
Google
Sageville
Another Suburban Mom
Hot Dads

KEYWORDS

Free Porn
Hnt
Bedside Tales
Freeporn
Tales from the bedside
Youporn
Helga Hansen
Male stripper
Who is the bitch now

Hot Dads

SOURCES

Blogger
BedsideTales
Always Home and Uncool
Sageville
Another Suburban Mom
Google
CoachDad
BlokThoughts
Hubman’s Hangout

KEYWORDS

Hot dads
Hot moviesex
Hubman suburban
Irish gumbo
Kidsex movies
My hot wife
Obama cadilac pimp

Thank you to all of you who link to me and send your readers to the ‘True Blogging King’ (yeah right)

Also, I am glad to know that (after looking over the search keywords that got people sent to both of my blogs) There are LOTS of people out there looking for …anything to do with sex…and I guess I am ‘The Man’.

I’ll have to think about changing a few things around here…

Drama Unveiled !

I am completely losing my freaking mind here. I don’t even know where to start.

After getting home from volunteering at the kid’s middle school today, we got phone calls from both middle school kids saying that they were called into the school counselor’s office and were interviewed by Social Services. Upon hearing this, Mariah about lost her mind, while puking all over her insides.

We had no clue about any issues and we immediately called the school to find out what was going on. They explained that Social Services interviewed the two kids today due to an investigation that they are conducting. We hung up and could not dial the number for Social Services fast enough. With sweat pouring down our faces, we were given the number for the woman assigned to our case.

After leaving her a message that we were concerned and wanted to find out what was going on, she called back about 15 minutes later. She explained that they received a call from an ‘anonymous’ source claiming ‘general neglect and emotional abuse - that we; are alcoholics and drug addicts, leave the kids unsupervised for hours at a time and allow parties for our high school daughter with drugs and alcohol.

Now we were also told that the call came in on Saturday the 7th of February (the same day that I told my ex that if she did not bring my boys to me for my first overnight visit, that I would call the police.)

As the report is confidential, I can not say for sure who made the accusations, but I do have my suspicions. Now…I know that she dislikes, hates or distrusts me…and does not like Mariah (whom she has never met) but making accusations to CPS is absolutely out of control. How can someone who has never met Mariah or any of her kids, who has never stepped foot in our house, who has never spoken to anyone in this household and who knows no mutual friends…make any accusations?

I understand that she wants to punish me and …be the boss of me, but attempting to have Mariah’s kids taken away from us – just so that I won’t get further visitations with my boys, is absolutely insane!

Now…the allegations are false and the interviews today went very well…but I guess I am just at a loss for what to do. Do I find a way to fight back? Do I leave it alone? Do I say “OK…what do you want of me? Do you want me to walk away? Do you want me to be in our boys’ lives?....WHAT?” I kind of feel that she is just attacking with whatever she can …and since I’ve been granted the overnights…she has taken out the ‘big guns.’

I don’t know … but what I do know is that this drama needs to stop. Bottom line is that I think it would be great if we could invite her over to sit down with a glass of ‘JUICE’ and smooth things out …see what she wants and find some middle ground so that none of the kids are in the middle of this ridiculous battle.

GOD…GRANT ME THE SERENITY…

Picture of my... 'Package'

Being that it is the weekend…and nobody reads…or comments on blogs… I am going to do something ...

COMPLETELY OFF THE WALL!

Click the following link for a photo of my HUGE ‘package’!!!!!!

Overnight Excitement

I am very excited to announce that tomorrow I get to have my two boys spend the night with me. The last time I spent the night with them was September of 2005.

The divorce and visitation/custody proceedings have been long and drawn out. It is nice to know that things are finally moving forward. I have been spending weekend days with them but until now I have not been able to have them sleep with me.

I know that the first few sleep-overs will not be easy as they are used to being with their mother, but I am so happy that we will be having this time together. I have spent the last few days taping some shows and some of my favorite childhood movies for them, cleaning and setting up their room, preparing their beds and stocking up on their favorite foods.

Again…I can’t even venture to tell you all how happy I am …but at the same time I can’t help but to feel anxious and worried that they might have a hard time adjusting to sleeping at my house. I want it to be smooth and worry free for everyone. I know that it will all work out and that they will love spending every other weekend at my house.

Well….everything is ready and now…I just have to wait until tomorrow morning.

Spinal Worthititis

I need to know if there is a place to submit new words to be considered for addition into the dictionary. I think I have a few that should be in there.

MigraToot – A toot (fart) that instantly gives you a migraine when you walk by.
Bart – A burp that smells like a fart.
Shart – A “productive” fart (if you get my meaning)
Cellthumbitis – The updated version of Nintendo Thumb, that one gets from texting
Auto Digititis – The soreness in your fingers from clenching the steering wheel too tightly while driving behind a slow driver.
WUDs – The raised dots along the center of many long stretches of roadways. (WUD stands for Wake Up Daddy)
Gobble-ette – A woman that loves to give blow jobs.

Additionally I think there should be a new category for injuries – SRIs – for all Sexually Related Injuries...including:
Spinal Worthititis – The sore lower back that some of us get after a hot night in the sack. (but it was really Worth It)
Cranial Veincum Syndrome – When the veins in your head bulge out right before you cum.

I don’t know…I have plenty more but thought I’d just throw out a few…in case you all try to steal them from me.

By the way - CHECK OUT THESE GUYS:
Always Home and Uncool
Coachblogger
Daddyus Dorkus
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Get The Stink Off
GoodFatherBlog.com
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LiteralDan
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the Goat and Tater
Welcome to Sageville
Xbox4NappyRash

Posted By BedsideTalesMan

Moments Of Clarity

Admittedly, as a guy…no, wait…as an odd guy, I sometimes have some crazy ideas. You know…those ideas that sound ingenious at the time but then when repeating it the next day…are outlandishly ridiculous.

That being said, last night I had one of my ‘moments of clarity.’ I am not sure where it came from, but man…I had it all planned out. I was so excited about this new (make believe) company…I decided to name it “Ex-Site.” It would be a web-based store where people could send their disgruntled former partners ‘gifts.’

The line of ‘gifts’ that I came up with was freaking brilliant…well…brilliant in a sort of psychotic way. I would offer items such as; bags of poop - with your choice of (human, dog, cat or cow), asparagus pee in a sport bottle (labeled lemon lime), poo cupcakes (with vanilla frosting), bag of vomit (your choice of foods), diarrhea…and the grand finally….a dozen red roses (actually a bouquet of used tampons). All of the above items would be gift wrapped with ribbons and fancy wrapping. Cards would be attached reading, “From Your Secret Admirer” or “Missing You”.

All of the items would be shipped from random post offices with no return addresses.

So then, while talking to Manic Mariah about it…we thought about how illegal it would be. We had no clue. I looked it up this morning. After cracking up at some of the search results that came up after typing “What is illegal to send through the mail” into Google…I found that if I were caught, it would be a Federal offense, and that sending human waste/biohazard material is …I’m guessing….not a good move.

Well…That idea is off the books. Back to the drawing board…hmmmmmm

You guys have any good ideas for me?

Posted By BedsideTalesMan