clarification

I think there needs to be some clearing up of what I meant in my last post...

There is a new show on the CW called Life Unexpected and it's about a young girl who is either 15 or 16 and she is on the hunt for her birth parents. She was given up for adoption and she was never adopted. Her life has been less then desirable in all her foster home stays and she wants to be emancipated. HOWEVER because of some paper work issues the correct papers were not signed and her birth parents are still her "parents" legally anyways. Well she finds them and it's just alot of different emotions. The "dad" didn't know that he was going to be a dad and so when he found out he was very surprised. Well there was a conversation between the two adults and then the girls said... Did you ever even think about keeping me? Did you ever want me?

In that moment I SAW in the girls face my WORST fear with my Haylee bug. Her asking about bio dad and wanting to find him and meet him and then wondering why in the world would he not even try to be a part of such am amazing life of such an amazing little girl. There has never been a time that I don't wonder why he would not try...

HOWEVER I am very thankful that I don't have to fight for where I want to live and only getting her every other holiday and every other weekend and not getting her all summer long... so in that sense I am very thankful, but is this selfish I ask myself?? I know that it is not because it is really what is the BEST for Haylee.

She has an Adam. And I couldn't ask for anything better. She thinks he walks on water and I love watching the way that they interact with each other. The kisses and the claiming him as hers and only hers. She has the "father" that she has never had before.

I just don't know how to address it when the questions come up, or when my precious baby says... I don't have a daddy... like its NO big deal.

So really... I am fine, this is just an ongoing feeling and thought and stress that I have. I am not sad or depressed... I just watched that show and then the feelings came. I originally had alot of this same blog but then right before I "posted" it I deleted it. There are times that I want to "journal" but then I am afraid it is too personal. Allowing all those that read this or happen across it see too deep into me and my feelings... I am private and have a hard time sharing intimate thoughts and feeling... so here I am... laying it out for all those to read. But really... I am doing just fine. My life is good... I am good.

Life Unexpected

Life and everything about life is unexpected...

I wish it was easy to share... I wish I could explain the thoughts in my mind and the way that I feel.

Haylee's Self Portraits

Haylee takes some AWESOME self portraits! I LOVE IT!

One of the things that we are thankful with Meridith is that she took alot of pictures of herself. She was always turning the camera around and taking one of herself. She would put others in the photo with her... but took alot with her in them. I am not sure where Haylee got the idea or started... I do it alot with her so that we can have photos of the two of us, but she is ALWAYS taking pictures of herself. She is so pretty! I am such a lucky mama.

Haylee's Camera

Haylee got a camera for Christmas and I try to get her camera to get her photos off before she "puts them in the trash". She told me she knows how to do that. I LOVE being able to see the world through her eyes. She takes amazing self portraits and likes to pose her babies and stuffed animals to take pictures of them. She gets some amazing pictures of Calan because he will do whatever she tells him too.

This is a bear Haylee got for her birthday... she was taking her picture with him!

She took pictures of everyone... so here is mine!

Haylee's FAVORITE cousin Calan baby... these two are BEST friends... which is EXACTLY what we wanted!

Haylee trying to take a pictures of me and her together.

Aunt Britty

Family Home Videos

This year we got out some old family videos and watched them on Christmas... I want to get out more and watch them all day long every day now. I think I was forgetting the sound of my sweet sisters voice. Her attitude. Our jokes and laughter. How we were a team and we had that sister bond.

The year Haylee was born we went out shopping after Thanksgiving... not super early cause Haylee had a doc appt that morning, but we went to Ace Hardware for some deals. One of them was cookie sheets and we got some. Well Meridith was away at school so we wrapped some and she got them! I put them from Haylee, cause she was there (3 weeks old!) When Meridith opened that gift she laughed... oh how I miss it! And then said... THANKS HAYLEE. That was the point that I cried and as I sit here I am fighting back the tears still. ONE of the hardest part is that they don't get to hang out and be buddies.

I am so glad that my parents took video... cause we have that. I NEED a video camera so that I can video more of my life and Haylee's life. My camera takes video... and I love the little videos that I have of haylee. I love being able to go back and watch them. I love watching how she was and my mom was right... I do regret not getting more on video.

26 days...

till my birthday... and this is the LAST birthday I will EVER celebrate!

I REFUSE TO TURN 30!

January 1, 2010

Well today starts another year. I wonder what the BIG points of this year will be??

Last year...
1. Me and Haylee moved out and we are finally a family of our own!
2. Got a new AMAZING job with the BEST people I could ask for.
3. Met and fell in LOVE with Adam!
4. Bought a new car... on December 31, 2009
5. Brett and Britt moved to Colorado and QUICKLY realized where the real family that LOVES them was and moved right on back to TEXAS!
6. Aaron and Kimmie FINALLY got married!
7. Me and Haylee took our first vacation with just the two of us... and we drove to Colorado!


Today I made black eyed peas. This is a family tradition. I guess it's a southern thing. My dad grew up in Dallas and every year you eat them on January 1. It is supposed to bring you good luck. I remember as kids all 4 of us HATED them. He would force us to eat ONE bite...and we would throw big ole fits and sometimes he would get mad, but we always ate ONE bite. Now as I am older I woke up this morning looking forward to going over to my parents house to eat my black eyed peas with my dad. This is one that that I will always do. HOWEVER I find out this morning that my dad and Brett went hunting and there is NO BLACK EYES PEAS! I was in panic mode... I know that they sell out! So we ran to Albertson's and they had a bunch... so I got some, came home and into the crock pot they went. And everyone had a bite. Haylee had a bowl (that girl loves all things bean). Chade and Adam had one bite, they aren't fans.. yet! I had a bowl too. I am so thankful that my dad always did that... I love the tradition and the memories that I have with them. I sure hope they got some dear... cause I missed my daddy's peas!