Drinking Induces Exercise

Good news everyone, according to an article that I read yesterday on WebMD, drinking alcoholic beverages on a regular basis makes you more likely to exercise. Even better, the more you drink the more likely you are to work out and I found the article on the internet so you know it’s true.

The study, performed by Michael T. French, PhD, from the University of Miami reports that “Compared with abstainers, light drinkers exercised 5.7 more minutes per week, moderate drinkers 10.1 more minutes, and heavy drinkers 19.9 more minutes.” Finally a French man does something useful for a change. (You see what I did there?) So the next time you find yourself lacking motivation to get out there and run, Dr. French and I both suggest that you pour yourself a stiff drink and watch your motivation soar. You’ll be running in no time, running out of Jack Daniels that is.

If you think that’s good news wait until you hear the rest. The study classifies ‘heavy drinkers’ as men who have upwards of 76 drinks in a month. That seems high to me but who am I to argue with a PhD? This means that at worst I’m a ‘moderate drinker’ and maybe even a ‘light drinker’ by their standards. You hear that friends and family members, I’m not a heavy drinker so you can take your interventions and stick ‘em in your ear. In fact, drinking leads to exercise and exercise is good for you, ergo drinking is good for you. (That’s deductive reasoning at its finest.) I will point out however, that most of your runs probably last longer than 19.9 minutes so you’ll want to go ahead and exceed the study limits of what constitutes a ‘heavy drinker’ just to make sure that you have all the motivation that you need for that 16 miler.

In summation, drinking adds minutes to your exercise routine. Now I’m not sure how all this science stuff works, but I think it’s pretty safe to conclude from this study that heavy drinking leads to increased endurance while running. Bottoms up running friends!

Fantasy Football League Update
As of this morning we had 7 out of 12 spots filled and we need to fill the other 5 spots by the end of the day otherwise the league gets disbanded and we’ll all be sad. :( So if you want to play or were thinking of playing you should go sign up. Do it now. (League Password is: fartlek)

Sports drinks and your teeth, they go together like long post titles and your mobile feed reader when viewed on your tiny blackberry screen.

According to a new study publicized on WebMD today, sports drinks may be bad for your teeth. Quoting directly from the article:

“The popular energy drinks sipped by many athletes to increase stamina contain levels of acid that can cause tooth erosion, hypersensitivity, and staining, according to the findings of New York University dental researchers.”

Wait, they increase your stamina? Oh right... in sports. Good, because for a moment there I was going to start drinking sports drinks before bed on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and every 2nd Saturday. That’s the new spring schedule. (Hey, when you have 2 kids you schedule it or you take cold showers.)

The article goes on to say:

“The beverages also can cause excessive tooth wear and may damage underlying bone-like material, causing teeth to soften and weaken, the researchers say.”

Wow. That’s some heavy science talk right there. The bone-like material? It doesn’t have an actual name?

“The drinks may also possibly trigger conditions leading to severe tooth damage and loss.”

May also possibly? Talk about an all-time authoritative assertion. It may possibly be the least conviction I’ve read in a medical article. (Full disclosure: I read very few medical articles.) Also notice that it doesn’t say that it may possibly lead to tooth damage. No, it says that it may possibly trigger conditions and that those conditions can lead to tooth damage and loss. STOP THE PRESSES! Sports drinks may possibly lead to a condition that can, in some instances, lead to tooth damage? Why hasn’t the FDA banned these toxic tonics?

Craig Stevens of the American Beverage Association tries to explain and defend sports drinks with the following comments regarding the study:

“The testing procedures they used are outside the realm of what happens in real life. Beverages pass right through the mouth, and these beverages have a purpose, and are proven to enhance physical performance. To use them like this is simply providing unhelpful information to consumers.”

Yeah right, Craig. Next you’re going to tell me that the researchers unfairly cut the teeth in half and submerged them in the sports drinks for unrealistic periods of time? Oh. Really? That’s exactly what they did?

“In the study, cows’ teeth were cut in half. Half of the specimens were immersed in a sports drink, the other half in water, and then the halves were compared.”

Well I for one am shocked to learn that cutting your teeth in half and submerging them in an artificially colored, sugary drink could stain and erode them, but this should serve as a warning to those of you who follow this practice. Half-Fast is once again taking the lead to bring you critical new information in the field of running. Now that’s information that would be worth paying for, right? Hey, wait. Why are you leaving?

Sweaty Update

I mentioned a few weeks ago on the weekend splits that my sweat doesn't stink. I think that some of you may have thought that I was joking around, but now researchers are actually looking into this strange phenomenon. Duke University researcher Hiroaki Matsunami, PhD asked 400 people to smell the male sweat chemicals, androstenone and androstadienone.

“Some people found the smell pleasant and similar to the smell of vanilla.” Source: WebMD.

It's true, when I get a good run going and really start to get lathered up I smell like freshly baked cookies wafting past you. It's probably what makes me feel so hungry when I run. People continually find themselves strangely drawn to me.

You might be thinking "wait a second, aren't people dying of cancer and heart disease every day in this great nation? Shouldn't these scientists be spending their efforts on THAT?" And if you are, let me stop you right there. Sure, there are people suffering from innumerous terminal illnesses and diseases, but those people can be comforted by the fact that they won't stink. Besides they're probably being punished for something really bad that they did, either in this life or a previous one. I say that if we can't research the genetics behind sweeter smelling sweat, then the terrorists have already won.

Some people dare to dream about a world without death and disease. I dream about a world without body odor, a world far superior and more aromatic than your overpopulated world without death and disease.

Now, I don't like to throw the word 'hero' around willy nilly, but I believe that these scientists are the real heroes. Is there a nobler pursuit in life than stomping out body odor? It doesn't seem like there could be. Alas, I will have to content myself with spreading delight to the nation's nostrils one pair at a time, and enlightening this harsh world one blog-reader at a time.

Up next for research: What is it that makes me really, really, ridiculously good looking? How does my hair stay so shiny, full and free from split ends? Why do men and women alike find themselves lost in my deep blue eyes, dreaming about walks on the beach and hot cocoa by an open fire? Do not despair fair reader, science will one day triumph against these mysteries and we will all know the answers. Until then, keep fighting the good fight.